Don’t listen to that little dark voice.

A lot has changed in 3 days, a good kind of change though. I’m feeling much better then I did when I last posted on Wednesday. I am much more articulate now and I am able to write a decent sentence…Well I hope so anyway.

On Thursday I wasn’t going to go to my LGBT mental health group, I just didn’t want to go. The little dark voice was whispering in my ear saying “don’t go” “you’ll have a better day at home” “you don’t need that group anyway” etc you get the picture, the depression whispering lies into my ear constantly, trying to keep me at home, keeping me away from people, keeping me from helping myself to push through and feel better. Because the dark voice disappears if I ignore him, so he shouts as loud as he can for as long as he can, until the little ray of light starts talking sense, telling me that there is hope and I will feel better again.

That little ray of light gets louder and stronger the more I pushed on with my day. He got a little louder after I had my breakfast, a little louder still after having a shower and getting dressed. The dark voice was shouting too both in equal measure, my head was so loud but I knew what path I had to follow. I carried on and took the dogs out for a walk, I kept having to sit down as the dark voice was making my body feel so heavy and weak but I pushed through. By this point both voices were raging at each other, I was just listening to them both, both made good points. But ultimately listening to the dark voice would mean just perpetuating the liar that is depression, he would win, the only way I was going to feel better is if I listened to the light voice and went to group.

So I managed to get my stuff together, it took every fibre of my being to do this. As I walked out the front door, locking it behind me, the dark voice realised he’s lost. So he went back to whispering softly in my ear, whispering things like “you won’t have a good day” “you’re stupid” etc… :/

By the time I got on the bus, my head was fairly quite again and my whole being felt so exhausted. I kept falling asleep on the bus trip and very nearly missed my stop but I suddenly realised where I was and pressed the button to get off.

Group itself was good, I don’t remember what we did but I think that’s because it was such a huge battle to just get there, I struggled to be present. But I was there, I stayed, I participated as much as I could and I felt better as a result.

I still didn’t feel 100% better but I felt more myself for going out. I had a good evening, I made myself dinner, played with the pups while waiting for my food shopping, snacked on a peanut butter and syrup sandwich and went to bed.

Friday I went to the Weymouth LGBT mental health group and again it was a bit of a battle to get up and ready, but the struggle wasn’t nearly as bad as the day before. So it just goes to show that my mood was on the way back to normality again.

As always the journey there and back was good and the session itself was good. I think I’ve been going to that group for about a year now, which is cool and makes me proud 🙂

Got home from group about 6pm, I was so tired but I took the pups out for a quick wee and run. When we got back in I stripped off, my binder was hurting so off that came, jeans came off and were replaced by joggy bottoms, although if it was warmer I would just be walking about in boxers and top…but its still too cold for that unfortunately.

I had no energy or motivation to do anything, so I flopped onto the sofa, narrowly missing Harley and Foxy who were both on the sofa, waiting for attention. I reclined both sides of the sofa and I was soon surrounded by all four of my fur babies, I didn’t however appreciate scrappy standing on my back because he’s so freaking heavy! It was nice though, I spent about an hour just laying in silence, with my babies all round me.

Managed to muster up the energy to make myself some dinner which was nice. I just spent the evening watching tv and chatting to friends online.

Today the sun was out and it was like a cool spring day, its been so nice. Before I could go and enjoy the sunshine, I did the housework as its been a bit neglected this week due to my low mood . I felt better for doing it and the place no longer smelt of stinky cat litter, which isn’t a good smell.

I got myself together and I took the dogs for a walk and we went on the longer route. I thought it a bit ambitious of me to walk the long way and it worked out that yeah it was a bit ambitious. I kept having to sit down and resting along the way, but that was ok as I got to just sit in be in the moment.

Once again when I got in, I stripped off the chest binder and my jeans and adopted the much more comfortable joggy bottoms and I rested for a bit with my babies.

I started my dinner early as its quite a time consuming dish and didn’t want to eat too late in the night. I made myself a chicken and leek pie and it was very nice if I do say so myself. I did the washing up as I went along so it wasn’t overwhelming.

I have spent my evening playing with the animals and listening to music. Which makes a change from having the TV on all night and its been a nice change.

Recently I’ve been conscious about the amount of time I spend on my phone, laptop, ps3 and watching tv and I know that it doesn’t always have a good effect on me. So I’ve been switching off my mobile phone, not going on the laptop every night, now watching tv every day. I’ve been mixing up my routine a bit more, cuz before I would watch certain things in the day, then spend all evening with the TV on and my laptop on.

I like people not texting and talking to me all day long, sometimes I just turn my phone off and sit and play with the dogs, or do some colouring or whatever. Not having to be plugged in 24/7 is very freeing, just to sit and be in the moment and to be in whatever is going on around me is nice. It means I’m not missing out on spending quality time with friends or the animals, I’m not missing out on moments because I am not being sucked into my phone. I am learning more and more how to just be and it is difficult but I have found that if one of my senses is being occupied then I can be in the moment, being still and quiet.

I know people worry when I don’t text straight back or whatever but they don’t need to worry because I am ok, I’m just going back to basics.

So after sitting here for about 3 hours writing, well not solidly I may add, how do I feel? I feel calm, happy and connected with myself. I feel hopeful and excited to see L tomorrow for her birthday 🙂

My life is by far simple but I somehow get myself through it, I will drag myself through this life kicking and screaming until the very end! I will not give up, that dark voice will NEVER win the war.

That is all for now, as my heads starting to hurt from looking at the screen. Glad I took the time to update this though, as its been a while and I always feel better for getting it all out and hopefully I will sleep peacefully tonight.

Peace out


Video blogging boy :D

Ah so it’s been a crazy evening! I’ve pretty much been on the laptop since getting home this evening. It’s been really productive though 🙂 I’ve not just been wasting my time on here and I’m feeling really good today too, considering I started today not really knowing how I felt.

I slept ok last night but I was up at 7 am for no reason, so I did my usual had something to eat and fell back to sleep on the sofa till 10 am when my alarm went off, which was a far more reasonable time then bloody 7 am! Plus I’m still recovering from the London trip, I am so tired and achy today. The bottom of my feet are sore, the muscles hurt and the skin on my hand is really peeling today.

I did my normal morning getting ready to go out stuff and took the pups for a quick walk and wee. Settled them in the hallway with treats and toys and headed out to get the bus to group.

Group was really good today 🙂 since certain people have left its been such a breath of fresh air, the group dynamics definitely needed shaking up and it’s worked, it’s so refreshing. The mood is much lighter which is what you need when you are having a rough time. Had a good giggle today and we talked about opposite to emotion action, which I did a little bit of explaining about 🙂 and yeah it was just a really fun group.

On my way to get the bus, I did have a lil look at a few shops. I didn’t buy anything I was just browsing. Mainly getting ideas for xmas..eep! lol.

When I got into Poole I popped into the sweet shop and got myself some sweets and said hello to S and W, was nice to catch up with them.

I finally got home to my very happy puppies and kitty’s 🙂 and I had a light bulb moment and made a YouTube video of how to make a inexpensive dog treat toy 🙂 which so far has been a hit with my friends. I spent some time sorting out my YouTube and arranging my videos into playlists.

I made a start of my very first video blog! I was pretty nervous about it but I just went for it! and as it stands at 11:27 pm I have 9 views! Which I am really chuffed with as its only been uploaded for 2 hours. This blog was just an introduction to well me and a brief overview of all my illness’s and I briefly touched upon being trans as well. I will do more in depth videos on being trans, living with bipolar and living with a chronic illness, I need to put a bit more thought into what I am going to do, what I am going to say etc. I may do a video at some point tomorrow… I’ve got lots of ideas and I really want my channel to take off 🙂 and I hope I am able to help people.

I ordered my food shopping this evening, thought I better sort it out lol!

Anyway here are some pictures 🙂

I saw this Tuesday morning before I left for London, it was put in my view for a reason 🙂

Me on the bus to group, looking and feeling fly. I love taking pictures of myself now I’ve lost weight.

Monday when I took the pups to L’s 🙂 they were just all relaxing together like best buddies ❤

My gorgeous sleeping babies ❤

My scrappy boy loves swimming in the sea 🙂

Foxy girl checking out the beach ❤ this is where we scattered my dear dad ❤

My gorgeous Harley and Marley. Lil Harley was pleased I bought a new box home for her to play with 🙂 ❤

My beautiful Scrappy and Foxy girl ❤ my four babies are my absolute world ❤

Well that’s it for tonight,

Peace out


Guy styling :)

I got my boy hair cut! And I must say that I look very handsome 😉 lol.

After I had posted last night, I sorted myself and the pups out for bed. I love my bed lol 🙂 I slept well a good solid 8 hours. It’s so nice to sleep like a normal person, like a normal amount and it not being a drug induced sleep. Some mornings I wake up feeling like I’ve actually slept, when I was taking a higher dose of quetiapine I used to always wake up feeling drowsy and drugged up. It’s nice to wake up feeling fairly with it, obviously it depends on how my physical health is. I just feel so much better for being on a much lower dose, I think I only have a few weeks till I am on 50mgs 😀

I woke up 15 mins before my alarm went off. Had to get up earlier then I usually do before group as I had my hand physio app before group. Had time to chill, eat and watch tv. I so hate rushing first thing, always set enough time so I can take it easy as I’m not functional straight away lol! I need to wake up slowly. Had my chocolate lucky charms for breakfast, got myself showered and dressed. Took the pups over for a nice run for 20 mins, it was sort of sunny today and the sun helps with a lil energy boost.

I brought the pups back and got them all settled in the hallway, I got my stuff together and headed up to the hospital for my appointment about my little finger.

My finger appointment went well. She said it will be 9 weeks before it is fully healed and I might not be able to hyper extend it back again like I can the others :/ so that’s a bit pants as it needs to click really bad. I still haven’t got full movement and it still hurts but she’s happy for me to only wear the splint if I am out with the dogs just in case I fall and hyper extend it again. She said it will get to the point where it won’t hurt so can’t wait for that because some movements or some things I do still really hurt it. But at least it’s healing and improved a lot. She signed me off so I don’t need to see her again but she said if I need to see her again if I’m worried about anything then just to ring and book an app with her, which is good.

Made my way over to the bus stop, I was going to get to group a bit early but that was ok. I am obsessed with Taylor Swifts song Blank Space, listened to it over and over on the bus trip. Darling I’m a nightmare, dressed as a day dream – Love it! I was a bit early for group, so just chilled out listening to my music.

Group was good, although check in was LONG. I really like doing the more focused work because I tend to find it really hard to concentrate when others are talking especially as some of it is a bit the same each week and the advice that has been given hasn’t been listened to or put into place :/ it makes me question why some people attend but that is totally up to them. I attend to see people, so I am not isolated and to better my skills to help keep me well and to get support. I love this group, as this year has been so tough already I’d be lost and I probably would have self harmed and undone all my hard work without this group.

I met Z in town after group was over. We haven’t seen each other for a while, so was really good to see her. Went to the hair dressers but it was rammed so I decided not to wait. But I bumped into little Raven and his daddy, it was so sweet lil man was so surprised to see me 🙂 hehe so cute. Z and I had a look in a few shops in town and chatted. I spent a voucher I got for my birthday, got two t-shirts 🙂 It was nice to spend time with Z had a giggle, we went back up to the hair dressers and they weren’t so slammed, so I waited. The guy was so lovely and I explained my situation and that I want a proper guys cut and he was so great and cut it exactly how I wanted it. So pleased with it 🙂 I’ll definitely be going back there. After I got sexy again lol Z and I went up to flirt and had a little sit down and a drink, I love flirt so much, such a great atmosphere and a funky lil place.

Didn’t get home till nearly 8 pm and my pups were so freaking happy lol! Bouncing all over hehe. I sorted out the pee and chewed up toys lol. I took them out for a wee and run as they’d been for longer then they are usually left on a Thursday. They were so funny tonight, racing around, bouncing all over the place. Foxy tries her best to catch up with scrappy but he’s so fast, way too fast, so she just barks at him lol! I’d love to know what she’s saying to him.

Sooooo needed a shower I HATE being all itchy after a hair cut. But my shower head has pretty much had it. I only de-scaled it the other day and it needs doing again…time for a new one me thinks. I am so lucky to live near a 24 hour shop that pretty much has everything in it. I was able to nip down and get a new one, I also a little bit accidently bought new batman boxers and I bought Leo a batman top hehe 🙂

I got back in and finally had myself a nice shower and got dressed. Was chatting to my bro and he’s got a ps2 going for sale, so I said I’d have it off him. I met him outside the shop so I could get some money out for him and he came up to the flat and we hung out for a bit which was pretty cool 🙂 it was nice, we need to do it more often just us two.

Didn’t get online till gone 10 pm. Haven’t had dinner tonight, not really hungry though.

Feeling pretty good today, I felt a bit grumpy this morning. Once I got going at group I was feeling much better.

Physically the pains been bad again, I think its more muscular then my joints as nothing really made it better but I do try and stretch out a bit to ease it.

Oh jeez I am tired all of a sudden. Bed very soon for me. I don’t have any plans for tomorrow, so a chill day. Or if I feel good I’ll take pups out for a walk.

Peace out