Shining light

It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote anything and I’m feeling less angry and frustrated then I was in my last blog.

I took the decision to up my trazadone again to help me sleep better and hopefully help me feel less depressed and so far I’m sleeping a better most nights and I’m starting to feel a little better too. I don’t feel so hopeless and so lost in the darkness, I still don’t feel great but I can see the shimmer of light at the end of the darkness, I’ve just got to keep reaching out for it.

I’ve been trying to make little changes to my daily life, that will help continue to make me feel a bit better and to prepare myself for the winter months. Each year I struggle with my mood during the winter and every year it really hits me, so I’ve been trying to prepare myself so its not going to be so much of a shock when it rolls around.

I have written up a rough plan of things to do day to day, some of these things are non negotiable, like take my meds in the morning and evening, getting to bed at a reasonable time things like that. But also to get outside for at least 30 mins each day, especially when the clocks change. As some days I like to just chill and I don’t get dressed until 4pm, which during the summer months is fine as I have loads of time still to enjoy the sunshine. But in the winter it gets dark by 4pm, so I’m going to make sure that no mater how I’m feeling I make sure I spend time outside, soak in that vitamin D from the sun. I love being outside in nature so it shouldn’t be too much of a drag. Even something as small as that I know will make a huge difference to how I feel from day to day.

I love my lists and I’ve been spending nearly every day just writing and writing. One list is of self care stuff, things like washing my face masks regularly as that’s a new thing I need to do better, or using my SAD light every day, listening to what my body wants and needs. Just simple things.

This winter is going to be a tough one as we’re heading into another lockdown and firs time around I found it so hard and winter on top of that is going to bring added stress. But I feel much more prepared this time, that’s why I’ve been writing lists down, mainly as a reminder of things I can be doing to make myself feel better and help me get through this next part a bit easier and I know what to expect now so its not going to be so much of a shock to the system.

I think I mainly operate from my inner child, he’s in charge most of the time. Which is fine but at the moment he’s feeling scared, anxious and unsafe and that’s the main reason I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the winter months to ease the anxieties of my inner child and to make him feel safe. Which he is a bit more settled then he was but he’s still highly anxious and just wants everything in place to feel as safe as possible. Which I am currently working on and I’m not far off having everything ready but I’m not quite finished.

Trying to calm my inner child down has been difficult, but I’ve been trying to listen and trying to identify his needs and what he wants, but it’s tricky as he has complex needs from traumatic events in our life. Slowly I will heal us both, through counselling and lots of patience and self care. I’ve been trying to heal myself for the last 20 years but I’ve never even really scratched the surface until now, I think I’m finally ready to heal. I can’t keep bleeding, I can’t keep letting this little boy hurt, he deserves to feel better now. I want my life to be better now, I want things to be different, I want to break the patterns that I’ve been repeating for the last 35 years. I’m ready to be happy.

One of my self care/regular activities is to try and blog on a bit more of a regular basis. I love writing/blogging and my anxiety/procrastination stops me just getting on with it. I think sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed I can’t physically do anything so I don’t and then I feel annoyed because I haven’t done anything. So I am going to try and make more of a conscious effort to push through the anxiety and sit down and write. I always feel so much better for it, I just need to get over myself and do it! With any luck I’ll be here writing again soon and not with weeks or even months in between posts.

Now I’m sleeping much better at night, I’m getting between 7-9 hours a night, which is much better then the 4-6 hours I was getting, my appetite is a bit better as well. I’m not binge eating sugar because I’m tired. Hopefully I’ll loose a bit of weight now, as I’m not eating half as much as I was, I’m actually eating a proper breakfast every morning as well and I’m trying to eat dinner too, whether that be something I cook or a takeaway at least I’m eating meals rather then just shovelling chocolate into my face all day long.

Getting a good nights sleep for me is so important, it improves my mood, my appetite, I can manage my chronic fatigue better. It’s so easy to slip into bad habits when depressed but at the moment I’m really aware of what makes things worse for me and having all these lists of things will definitely help. Getting into a routine of going to bed at a reasonable time and having a slightly more structured day is slow going, it won’t ever be perfect but I’ve got a good start on it.

Well that’s all for now

Peace out

Zak

Self care during self QUARANTINE

I suffer with mental health issues, mainly depression and anxiety. But also struggle with disassociation and gender dysphoria. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I started myself back on trazadone to get through this tough, uncertain times. I’ve been back on it for around 5 days now and I’m already feeling a little better then I was feeling.

I know what its like to be socially isolated and it freaking sucks! It’s super hard! Even though I can be shy and a bit of an introvert, I do love being with other people. But as I am vulnerable to getting the covid19 I am staying away from people, ie not having people over and stuff. So I’ve been thinking of ways that I can stay connected with people, so the social isolation doesn’t hit me so hard and I can stay sane and mentally well.

One thing that has helped so far is that I’ve been reaching out to others who I know are in the same situation as myself and making sure they’re doing good. I find it hard to reach out to others when I need help, but this is a unique situation, we’re all kinda feeling the same anxieties and uncertainties, so I don’t need to express explicitly that I need help or support, as we’re all in the same boat right now. Which is making it much easier for me to reach out, as I feel like I’m helping others instead of asking for help/support which I’m not keen on doing.

I’ve offered people video calls/voice calls and messaging, to ease the social isolation and I’ve had a few video calls and voice calls with a few different people already and its been an absolute blast. Talking with my friends has definitely helped! Video calls makes it feel like I’ve socialised and got that essential interaction with people that we all crave. It makes the days feel less lonely and isolated.

I know I am often viewed as someone who is strong and capable, as I rarely let myself be truly vulnerable in front of people. So I feel like sometimes people don’t check in on me, as I’m seen as someone who can look after themselves quite happily. Whilst yes I am more then capable of looking after myself but I have my struggles. I’m trying my best to keep reaching out and talking to people. So I can feel connected with others and feel like I’m making a difference to others.

At times like this it’s important to remember no matter how alone we may feel, we are not alone! There is a community out there to help get you through this, you just have to be brave and reach out.

I’ve also been trying to keep some sort of routine, although its super flexible, I’ve just been trying to keep doing the things that for me are non negotiable for example I have to make sure I take my meds in the morning and evening, doing my sinus rinse morning and evening, do the housework every other day, walk the dogs twice a day, eat 2 meals a day. I’ve kinda given up on my sleep routine as I’m more awake in the evening hours anyway. I’m still making sure I get enough sleep, whether that’s napping in the day or waking up late.

I try and split my day up into units of time so the day doesn’t feel so overwhelming. I also try and remember that I don’t need to fill every second with an activity, its totally ok to just sit and be.

I roughly know how much time certain things will take me to do, like doing the housework takes about 30-40 mins, having a shower and getting dressed takes between 10 and 20 mins depending on how long I’m sitting in the shower for. So I know that when I decide to wake up and start my day how long it takes for me to get ready for the day and that’s like the first unit of the day and then depending on how I feel and what the weather is like helps me decide on what to do with the dogs, either a long walk or a short run around across the road. That’s another unit of time take up and you get the idea, cutting the day into more manageable chunks without feeling so overwhelmed about having to fill a whole day.

I wrote a list of things I can do on my own whilst were all on lockdown, so I’ll share with you what I wrote down

Things to do during self isolation –

Check in with myself daily

Video call friends

Reach out on social media

Write and blog

Try and read (I have adhd so I struggle to concentrate sometimes)

Listen to podcasts and audiobooks

Colour/draw/create something

Teach Scrappy new tricks

Play video games

Teach myself to play solitaire with playing cards

Nextflix/Amazon/DVD’s

Spring clean the flat

Walk the dogs

Watch YouTube videos

Create a cosy fort/nest

Yoga

Make bread, cakes, biscuits, meals

Nap

Be silly

I hope you’re all coping as well as you can during these uncertain times. We need to come together as one, show each other the kindness, the compassion and the unconditional love that I know we are all capable of.

If there’s anything you want me to write about/comment on please let me know and I shall try my best. Please like, share, comment and follow my blog

Peace out

Zak

Surviving self isolation

I’ve spent the last few days thinking about stuff, I think being forced into self/social isolation has a tendency to do that. Whilst I am used to social isolation, its something that is really bad for my mental health. So I’ve had to really think about how I am going to get through this, without spiralling into the darkness.

The first thing I decided was to start back on trazadone, I decided to stop taking it as I felt like I no longer needed it. Although having stopped it, I realised they were helping more then I thought they were. They helped me focus, stop disassociating as much as I am right now, took the edge off anxiety and depression, all which have come back but I’ve been able to keep on top of them a bit. Now we are in this self isolation and not being able to do everything I enjoy I know my mood, anxiety and disassociation will get worse, so I know I need to get on top of this. Not something I really wanted to do but I need to do.

I need to write down a list of things I need and see if I can try and get hold of them, I don’t need much just a few bits to get by. But as I’m vulnerable to this condition I need to try and be as prepared as possible.

I also need to write a list of things I can do inside, things I can do to keep the fur babies occupied as well. I can still take them for walks but with my chronic pain and fatigue I can’t always be outside with them.

I need to write out a rough routine that I can try and follow, I do better with a routine. Although I know I easily get bored of routine, so it won’t be something I will follow strictly just guidelines really so I don’t feel like I’m just floating around.

My asthma clinic appointment was cancelled as my doctors aren’t doing face to face appointments unless they are an emergencies, which I understand. I can still get my testosterone injection as that is something I need, so that is booked in for 14th April. I did ask if I can get paracetamol on prescription just for now, as I cannot find it anywhere and I don’t want to search the shops. I was told to ring back, but wasn’t able to get through, so I will try again tomorrow.

I plan on writing more, whether that is a blog or just scribbling down in my notebooks. I’ve felt so disconnected from myself I’ve struggled to write anything that I felt connected with.

Once I have some stuff written down about how to get through this self isolation, I will share it on here and hopefully as a community we can come together and help each other get through this.

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy – How I prepared for top surgery.

I thought it might be helpful to write about how I prepared for top surgery, as I don’t think there’s enough information out there about it. There’s lots on the surgery itself and not much about post surgery, especially if you don’t have family to support you.

As soon as I got my date for surgery, I wrote a list a big list of everything I thought I would need and what I would need to do running up to surgery. I’m a bit of a control freak, so I’m pretty good and planning and organising myself and being over-prepared.

I also have 2 cats and 2 dogs, who are my absolute world so I needed to make sure not only was I prepared but they were also going to be cared for and had everything they needed.

LISTS! cannot express enough about how helpful lists are and also feels great when you finally get stuff ticked off. Plus they are a great visual aid to see how much you need to get and for me its just a great way to help organise my brain and figure out when I need to get things and in what order.

I belong to a great facebook group called TMSA social and support, they have two separate groups. They have files for surgeons which is where I picked mine from and everyone is super friendly and were so helpful when I asked for advice about what I needed post op top surgery. Highly recommend this group.

So here is what I bought and organised for top surgery pre and post op.

One of the hardest things was asking for help, I created a FB group chat with friends asking for help, I needed a lift to my pre op appointment and back, then a lift to hospital for surgery and a lift home again. I needed someone to stay at my house and look after my fur babies. I needed people to come over and help me take the dogs out, help with housework etc.

Everyone was amazing I got the support I needed, which was amazing. I had friends who took me back and forth to the hospital for my pre op appointment, surgery itself, post surgery and post surgery check up appointments. I also had friends stay at my flat and look after my fur babies, who had the best time.

Unfortunately I didn’t really have the support once I was back home, which sucked but I managed. I did have a couple of friends who came over and cooked for me, which was great but I was hoping for a little more help. Maybe I expected a bit too much, but I’ve made my peace with this all now.

I bought myself a amazon fire tablet, heaphones and microSD card, so I could download films to watch while I was in hospitals. I’m glad I bought it, it came in real useful, I watched quite a lot of films.

After surgery you aren’t allowed to shower for a while, so I bought some Clinitex body wipes from amazon and man am I so glad I did they were amazing, they made me feel pretty clean. I definitely recommend them.

I bought slippers and a dressing gown but I didn’t actually end up needing them, as they were provided but if in your paperwork they suggest them I’d buy them just in case, that’s if you don’t already own them.

I bought 2XL vest tops to wear after surgery, as it was in August and they were easy to slip on and off. I wore zipped hoodies as they were easy to get on and off too, as after you have limited movement in your arms for a few weeks. I bought the vest tops from Primark as they were only Β£2 each.

I am on lots of different prescribed medications and over the counter medications. I asked my GP for 2 months worth of all my meds so I didn’t have to worry to much about them and then I made sure I had enough of my over the counter medications, paracetamol, sinus rinse and vitamins.

I am on a key meter for my electric, so over the weeks running up to surgery I kept adding more then I usually put on my electric, so I knew I would be covered, same with my rent, I made sure I put extra money on my rent too.

I stocked up on basic household stuff, toilet rolls, washing up liquids, you know the boring adult household stuffs lol!

(NOTE I did a lot of stocking up no stuff! lol)

I stocked up on dog/cat food, cat litter, poop bags, treats.. again general stuff I would normally get to care for my gorgeous fur babies.

As I had a few friends stay over, I made labels for all the cupboards so it was easy for them to find stuff. I also made a list of instructions for the fur babies and just general information…yeah I said I was a bit of a control freak, which stems from anxiety.

I love my incense sticks and candles so I made sure I had them in.

I have a battery pack I took to charge my phone at tablet whilst I was in hospital, I made sure that was fully charged the day before I had surgery.

I made sure I had snacks, drinks and easy to make food in the flat. I mainly ate snacks and takeaways lol!

I bought these great hydration tablets O.R.S hydration tablets from amazon, they were great and I still use them now, especially for days I don’t drink enough.

These last few things were probably the most helpful of all.

So after surgery you aren’t meant to lay flat for a while, so I bought two V shaped pillows, two regular pillows and a memory foam neck pillow.

The neck pillow came in handy whilst I was in hospital after surgery, I used it when I was sleeping and it made the whole experience more comfortable.

The V pillows and two other pillows were great for when I was at home recovering, I spent 4/5 weeks sleeping on the sofa, as it was just the most comfortable place for me.

I honestly can’t say enough at how much those 3 particular pillows helped so much.

So for me that was is really, I’m pretty good at self care and looking after myself, so that part wasn’t too hard.

I couldn’t have done it without spending months of organising and planning, without the people who helped me.

If you’ve found this helpful, please feel free to share and use this as a guide to going through top surgery.

Peace out

Zak

What self care means to me and how it keeps me well

Ah self care day πŸ™‚ It was very much needed and I feel better for it.

Part of being able to stay well (as I can) with my physical health and my mental health is down to making time to look after myself and my needs, as it is easy to forget to look after me because sometimes I don’t feel important, so it’s easier to make sure everyone else is ok.

Depending on how many groups and appointments I have on in one week I will have about 2-3 days a week, where I will rest and take care of my needs.

So what does a self care day consist of for me, well I start by having breakfast and if the housework needs doing I’ll do that. It may not sound very relaxing but if all my housework and laundry is done then it is one less thing to worry about. Also when I have cleaned up my head feels more in order and it generally makes me feel better.

I then have a shower and get dressed, in nice fresh clothes. I then have some lunch, which usually depends on what I fancy.

Depending on the weather and my physical health is dependant on what I do next. So if the weather is good and my pain levels are ok, I will take the pups out for a walk somewhere. If the weather is good but my pain levels are bad then I will just take the pups out for a wee and maybe just sit across the road with them and watch them play for a bit…You get the idea.

But if my pain is really bad it usually makes my mood low, so I just do things at home to make myself feel better. I take my pain meds every 4 hours, I take tramadol and paracetamol. I have my hot water bottle pretty much attached to me, to help ease the pain. I will take a nap as being in pain is so damn exhausting. I make sure I eat and drink things that I fancy. I watch tv, game, meditate, colour my colouring books and generally just relax.

That’s what I do on a specific day I set aside to relax and take care of my needs. But there are things that I do every day which is also making sure my needs are met and everything is ok. It’s hard work maintaining “normality” when you don’t know how you will feel mentally and physically from one day to the next and fighting with the brain fog to remember things is sometimes like wading through mud.

So every day things may seem ordinary to people who don’t have mental health or physical health issues, but they are more important then you know.

Every Monday I refill my pill box up for the week and if I need to re-order stuff I make sure that goes on my todo list. I do the housework every other day and do the laundry when the basket is full. Like I said earlier, a tidy house equals a tidy mind. It’s also good for your self esteem, don’t ask me why I just know it makes me feel pride about myself.

Also on a Monday I write a list of what I am doing and what day for that week, any appointments will be written on the calender. But I find if I write it out again on a weekly basis it helps me combat the brain fog and helps me to remember. On the list I also write when I get my benefits and what bills come out when e.g electric, rent, phone bill..etc. This a very important part of my life, it’s important I don’t miss any appointments. It is also very important that I know what money is going out and when and that I make sure I pay my rent on time and have plenty of electric. This list will sit on my laptop which is by the sofa on the side I sit, so I see it every morning to check what’s on for that day.

Having a shower or bath is part of most people’s daily routine but when you have physical and mental health issues such a small task becomes a massive chore. I myself don’t often struggle with the lack of motivation to shower because I simply can’t get dressed if I haven’t had a shower because I feel all gross…yes its weird lol. Anyway since getting my stool for my shower I find it much less taxing and I find it less of a chore, I am also now able to take a shower in the evening to ease any pain I am in because of the stool. But yeah having a shower and taking care of my personal hygiene also lifts my self esteem πŸ™‚ and makes me feel confident.

Sleep, sleep is very important to my physical and mental health. Insomnia kicked off my last manic episode. I have to take 50mgs of Quetiapine a night in order to sleep a bit but I still struggle some nights. On the nights I struggle to sleep or feel I might, I make sure I have a full belly, I try and make sure I will be warm or cool enough, if I am in pain then I will take a warm relaxing shower with my lavender baby wash. I get all snuggled up in bed with the pups and listen to a guided meditation on an app called Stop, Breathe & Think and it always helps me get to sleep.

If I wake up early which sometimes I do, usually because I am in pain or its just insomnia. So I get up, pee, eat breakfast if I’m hungry, take pain meds and watch tv for a bit. I will then either go back to bed and sleep or I will just fall asleep on the sofa. If I am having a bad day with my physical health then I will have a nap during the day as well to keep me going.

Food is important to keep you going and to help keep your physical health well. I sometimes struggle with my lack of appetite but with all my physical health issues it’s not surprising. But I do try my best to have breakfast and dinner, sometimes I am hungry enough to have lunch as well. I try and eat a proper home cooked meal every day but also have the odd take away. I have a perching stool for my kitchen, so it makes cooking and washing up so much easier and I enjoy cooking again. I sometimes cook meals in the slow cooker, so it will make enough for me to freeze, so on a bad pain day when I don’t feel like cooking all I have to do is microwave something. If I don’t really have an appetite for a meal I will at least try and eat little an often, as I need to take my meds on a full stomach.

As I am unable to work due to my health issues, I spend a lot of time at home being ill with my physical health. Being alone too much effects my mental health and makes me feel very low. I attend two support groups once a week, which I really enjoy and some weeks they are the only people I see.

One group is called Breakfree, we meet on a Monday evening 7-9pm. It’s a therapy/support group for people who are transgender or who are questioning their gender. I have met some amazing friends in this group πŸ™‚ some who I now class as my family.

The other group is called Mindout which is an affiliate of National Mind. It’s a drop in support group for people who are LGBTQ who have mental health issues. Again I have met some great friends in this group πŸ™‚

These two groups keep me afloat and give me what I need to keep learning about myself, my transition and my continuing recovery. I can’t stress how important these groups are too me, they help me meet my emotional needs.

I also have 1:1 gender identity counselling once a fortnight, which is with the same guy that runs the Breakfree group. Which is so refreshing to speak to a counsellor who has first hand knowledge of what it’s like to live with a long term illness. I’ve also learnt a lot about myself and my past makes much more sense too. This like the groups is important to meeting my emotional needs.

In 2015 I built up a better support network of friends, who have been so great to me. I cannot wait to spend 2016 making some great memories with them all ❀ Spending time with my friends and making memories with them is so so important. Even if it’s just hanging out at mine, with pizza and movies and my wonderful friends, it’s better then being alone.

So yes this is how I look after myself, this is my self care. This is how I control my bipolar on a low dose of Quetiapine and make the most of my life. It’s incredibly hard work and yes there are days where I don’t even make it off the sofa, but ya know what?! That’s totally fine too, I like having a day where I do absolutely nothing, some days all I am able to do is eat and sleep and that’s ok because that’s what my body needs.

My life is by no means perfect, I still mess up, I forget to pay a bill now and again or forget to take my pain meds on time. I still have really low days, I still really struggle with life in general.

But living with life changing physical health issues and mental health issues makes me view life a little differently to most and it has certainly made me stronger then I ever thought I could be. Life has thrown me so many curve balls last years, I watched as my health went down hill and there was nothing I could do to stop it or make it better. But I came out fighting and I came out a better person for it. Some days I didn’t know if I could go on, or if I could take any more but some how I go through, there is a fire deep inside that keeps burning, that keeps pushing me to go forward. I think it’s my desire to live my life for as long as I can with the best quality of life because one day my illness will kill me and I do worry and get scared about my future, but it’s out of my hands. I want to make sure I make the most of my life because I don’t know when it will end, yes anyone can say that but with a unpredictable condition such as mine its all that more urgent.

All of these things that I have written about, help me make the most of my life and help me stay out of hospitals of both kinds.

To those who read this, who are in the same position as me, I hope this will be of some value to you and I do wish you well.

Please feel free to comment and if you have any requests on a subject you would like me to write about then just ask and I will try my best to write a decent blog for you πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Christmas chaos

Well it’s 2 weeks until Christmas eve and I am no where near organised for anything lol, like I just feel like I am just wandering around in a haze with no real direction at all… I need to get myself sorted but right now I feel too tired and ill to do anything.

Last year I was super organised, cards were sorted, shopping was done, tree was up. I was ready. I haven’t even got a tree at the moment, I don’t know who I still need to get presents for, I haven’t done any food shopping, like literally I have nothing. I have done NO cards because well I can’t be fucking bothered.

I am still finding my feet after this manic episode and I just have so much going on. I have so many appointments, group meals an stuff before Christmas and just not enough time to do it all. Plus I am currently suffering from a sinus infection so I feel so ill.

Going to try and get myself a bit more organised at the weekend, I need to look at the presents that I already have got and what I need to get. I need to get myself a new tree if I have the money. Going to write myself a shopping list, will get that delivered though as no way am I carrying it all. I also need to make sure the animals have everything they need as well. A lot of work goes into celebrating a few days. But until the new year everything is all over the place so I like to have everything I need to get by.

I’ve had a long difficult week with one thing or another, which hasn’t helped with the disorganisation and time has just slipped away as well, it’s gone incredibly fast. I do need to get my butt into gear and sort it out. I want to make sure I have another good Christmas and that takes a lot of work.

Oh I have the name of a specialist in Southampton hospital and I have left a message with my GP to ask him to refer me to him. So I am hoping this will be straight forward but it might not be but I can always hope that something in my life is straight forward lol.

I have written a letter to my family to cut ties with them, apart from my brother as our relationship is different because we are brothers. I am going to post it to my grandparents house for them to pass around. I can no longer carry around the anger and the emotional baggage they bring into my life. It needs to be done and this year I have built up my friendship circle and they are now my family. Family isn’t always blood. I feel better for having written it, I can’t wait for this part of my life to be over with, so I can let go of the anger and move on. I am fed up with all the fakeness the holidays bring, I can’t fake my way through another Christmas. It’s a big scary step but I know that this ultimately is for the best.

Still not sleeping amazing, still waking up at least once. But I’m not waking up for that long and I am dealing with it. It is slowly getting better and I am definitely on the right track πŸ™‚

I have altered my routine a little bit, I go on the laptop earlier in the evening so I have more time to watch a film or play on my ps3 and I am not spending as much time online as I did and I am finding I mentally feel less drained..not the right words but can’t find the words to explain it. Or I go on my laptop in the day, so I can chill in the evening.

My appetite is better but that’s because I’m still on 50mgs of Quetiapine. Even though I am hungry I struggle to eat, sometimes I try not to gag when I’m eating sometimes. But I carry on because I’m hungry and I need to eat. I just try and ignore it and enjoy eating, it’s hard but I need to gain a better relationship with food. I’m not forcing myself to eat though as I know that will make it worse, I just take my time to eat.

Transition stuff is ok I guess, still get misgenered like all the time which is really getting me down now but not much I can do about it :/ it’s just really frustrating.

Think that’s all that’s happening in my lil crazy life

Peace out

Batman

I love guided meditation

Ah yes! Sunday this bullshit week is practically over! And I am feeling a bit better then I have done. But that’s mainly down to doing some guided meditation, which really helped to ground me.

A quick catch up –

Saturday – Β I actually woke up feeling ok, because I did my metoject injection the night before I was half expecting to feel really poorly but thankfully I felt ok.

I’m sat here trying to remember what I did but I can’t remember. I didn’t feel too great though, I felt really restless. I was trying to relax but I just couldn’t.

By about 1:30 pm I was so restless that I just had to get out. So I took the pups down to Bournemouth beach. It was a really nice walk once I was able to actually get on the beach. There was a marathon thing on, which is great cuz it’s for charity and whatever…BUT it was really fucking difficult to get on and off the beach! I just wanted to fucking walk my dogs! WOW even that was fucking hard work. Whoever organised it, did not do it well! But whilst actually on the beach me and the pups had fun, so least that was good.

Oh I got some bad news in the post…They’ve cancelled my appointment to take my teeth out while I’m asleep…just said due to unforseen circumstances. I have been waiting 10 fucking months for this appointment! I am not impressed. But I have to wait till tomorrow to sort it out.

I didn’t have any dinner, just munched on bits and bobs, I was too tense to eat anything. The stress and the anger of the week had all built up and I was feeling really agitated.

I was in bed by half 10 pm and I knew I needed to do some meditation but I wasn’t able to do it on my own. So I found an app called Stop, Breathe and Think, for guided meditation and it was so good and really relaxed me and I felt all the heaviness go and the anger melt away. I fell asleep pretty much straight away.

Well today I woke up about half 8 am but I felt like I’d actually slept for the first time this week. Had my breakfast and watched tv. I did have a lil nap for a bit which was nice.

My friend text to see if I was up…I was up but only just lol! So I hopped in the shower, got dressed and nipped to the shop to get a few bits and waited for my friend to come over.

We spent the afternoon just chatting and watching films and the x-files. It was nice just to relax and catch up, also it was a really nice day and there’s only been one other day this week that’s actually been good, so 2 out of 7 is ok I suppose lol.

I had my dinner, sorted out all my lists for the week. My list of what I am doing and when, what bills are coming out and when. Then what dinners I am going to cook and this week on the menu is cottage pie, veg and ham risotto and corn beef hash! I cannot wait to eat it all πŸ™‚ I’ve done my shopping list so I know what I need to get too. I am thinking of trying going to Lidl instead of Asda as I know it will be loads cheaper. Will have to see how that goes and whatever I can’t get in there I can go get in Asda.

I am feeling a lot better today, my head is in a much better place. Meditation is so powerful and this app I found is great, definitely going to do it before I go to sleep tonight.

Have a busy-ish day tomorrow, got the housework and laundry to do in the morning, I need to go up to the hospital and get my bloods done and possibly see if I can sort out re-booking my hospital app while I’m there, that will probably be much easier then trying to ring them. I’ll just go to where I went to book it the first time round and take the letter and see what happens.

In the evening I have my trans group social at a cafe called Flirt, that’s always fun, I always look forward to going up there with the pups.

That’s it for tomorrow…I say that’s it but that’s more then enough lol.

Anyway I’m going to wrap this up, as I need to take the pups out before I get to bed and do some guided meditation.

Peace out

Batman

Separation anxiety

Urgh I am really struggling to concentrate right now, but I’m going to keep going.

I didn’t sleep too well last night, kept tossing and turning. But I felt ok not too tired.

This morning I was pretty productive, I wrote my lists, sorted out what bills are coming out this week, did a load of laundry, wrote out my xmas list, cards, who I’m getting presents for, xmas food etc. I felt better having it all sorted.

Headed over to L’s this afternoon and I sat at hers with the pups while she went to pick up the boys. It was nice chilling with all 3 pups πŸ™‚

I stayed there for a bit when she got back, helped Harvey do his homework.

I left because I needed to sort myself out before tomorrow. As soon as I left I felt hot, sick, shaky, my heart was racing and I could barely breathe! I was so so anxious about being away from my babies 😦 I’m not feeling much better now, but I’m not as bad as I was.

Went to the shop and got bits for my coach trip tomorrow. So that’s all sorted.

I’m just trying to relax now but finding it really difficult. I’m going to sort my backpack out soon and try and get an early night as I’ve got to be up mega early….URGH!

My stomach is doing back flips right now lol…eeeep.

I am super nervous about tomorrow but excited too. OMG I can’t believe I’m actually going and doing this! AHHHHHHHH! LOL!

Peace out

Batman

I’m back!

So I have a week to catch up with, wow now I have to remember lol.

Last Thursday at group we did a session on ADHD which was really great, I felt like the penny had dropped. I really think that I have the wrong diagnosis…so I am going to gather more information to take to my psych.

Fri – I just slept for most of it, chilling out watching tv. I spent the evening over at my brothers house which was cool.

Sat – I spent the day with my friend J-C We went out with the pups to see the Mini steam fair and walked the pups down my usual route. It was such a lovely day and I got quite burnt…again lol!

In the evening I met up with a friend and her friends as it was her bday, so we went for dinner at Nando’s. I didn’t eat much and I’m glad I didn’t because I had sun stroke and felt sick on the way home.. But it was really nice to see her and the other guys πŸ™‚

Sun – I spent recovering from sun stroke…which sucked! But I did clean up a bit and get some bits sorted. So not an entirely wasted day.

Mon – I did nothing much but I did go to my trans group in the evening which I really enjoyed πŸ™‚Β I just spent time playing with all my babies in the day.

Tues – I hung out with my friend in the day time. I’ve not seen her for ages, so it was really nice to see her and boo boo πŸ™‚Β In the evening I did a list of everything I needed to do and I did my food shopping, I got some nice healthy stuff too πŸ™‚

Wed – I was up mega early, I couldn’t really sleep. So I did all my cleaning and then some lol! I washed the balcony windows inside and out. I did rest for a little, I sorted out stuff that needed posting, posted it, went to the pet shop and got the pups some decent food, more natural without loads of cereal in it. I got in and crashed out as I physically couldn’t go on, so I slept for a few hours. I can’t remember what happened in the afternoon after I slept…But in the evening straight after I took my meds, I threw them ALL back up 😦 so I just took the queitapine again, a fresh one I may add lol not the one I just threw up lol! I took the pups for a wee and went to bed.

Today has been pants! I’ve spent most of my day fast asleep. I think I woke up about 8 am, snuggled on the sofa with the pups and fell asleep for a bit. I still didn’t feel so good I think it was a migraine. I did try to eat a bit, took some meds and I did try and get ready for group as I really wanted to go. But it just wasn’t happening 😦 so I ended up going to bed at 12pm and didn’t wake up again till gone 4 pm. I didn’t think I was going to sleep that long lol, just relaxed in bed for a bit. Had some cereal as I wasn’t really hungry. My head is feeling a bit better now, I’m still feeling tired. I just think I wayyyy over did it yesterday and used ALL my spoons by lunch time lol!

So this last week, wow. It’s been good for the most part πŸ™‚

My head has been SO busy though but I’ve been writing lists so I make sure everything gets done. That’s been really helpful for me and I still have a few bits to do but all the important jobs have been done.

Mentally I’ve been doing ok but I think I’ve been experiencing some sort of disassociation as I keep losing time, not track of time, just time. For example I can be sitting on the sofa at 5 pm and the next time I look at the clock it’s 7 pm and I cannot account for those 2 hours. But I’m still sat on the sofa and I’ve not been asleep, it’s so weird and I can’t really describe it. I’ve had this before and it’s frustrating. But other then that I’ve been doing okΒ πŸ™‚

No plans for tomorrow yet, although I really need my haircut so I may sort that out.

I think that’s all nothing much else to say, both the pups are doing really well, they had the vets on Tues for a check up and scrappy is now 6kg! the lil fatty lol. They are both going in a dog show on Mon, nothing serious just one that a local cafe is putting on, so should be good for a laugh πŸ™‚Β I’m going to put foxy in her rainbow top and scrappy is going to be wearing a tie hehe. I hope they win somethingΒ πŸ™‚

Well that’s it for now, I’m going to try and write more regularly again.

Peace out

Batman

Feeling so great :)

Mid week already and half way through April ALREADY! What the hell?? It’s going crazy fast. I think the first 20 years of my life went sooooo slow lol. Now it’s just going so fast in the blink of an eye.

Yesterday was a chilled day, relaxed and slept most of the morning. I took foxy to the groomers in the afternoon for her summer haircut. While me and scrappy were waiting we played on the field and went to the pet shop and got some treats πŸ™‚ It was so freaking hot out, apparently we are in for a heatwave for the next few months. We picked up miss foxy and she looked gorgeous, all happy and she looks even tinier now, I booked scrappy in as well, he needs his tail trimmed, the hair on the backs of his legs and she’s going the thin out the rest of his hair on his back because its so thick. My gorgeous boy.

We got in and I was so tired from being out in the sun, I think I played on my tab and watched some tv. Then went and laid on the bed for an hour and a half. I didn’t sleep the entire time, mainly just rested. But it was nice and I had the bedroom door open so Marley moo came in and joined me and the pups for a snooze.

I spent the evening over at my friends C&C they gave me my birthday presents as I’ve not seen them since just before my birthday, so that was really nice and yeah just had a nice evening chilling out, chatting, catching up and stuff. I didn’t leave as late as I usually do because I was starting to feel really achy and snotty.

The pups were happy to see me when I got in, I took them straight out and we got into bed, watched a film and I played on my tab.

Today I have been crazy busy! So busy that I had to write a list to remember everything I had to do and everything was completed.

It started with waking up, eating breakfast and falling back to sleep again for a bit.

After I woke I up did my list of things I needed to do and I did my shopping list that I needed to order.

I cleaned the entire flat and throughout the day I did 4 loads of laundry and it is SO hot that I can hang it all outside so it dries quicker. I made some plain ice cubes for the dogs and some ice treats with chicken stock and their dog treats.

My bro dropped by to pick up some money I was lending him.

Ordered my food shopping which is being delivered tomorrow evening. In the food shopping, I ordered the pups some bits to make them some ice treats. I’m going to make them with banana’s, peanut butter and natural yogurt, blend it all up and freeze, hopefully they will love it. While I was online I did my letter that I need to send to ESA about my change of title, so printed that out, put a copy of my deed poll and sorted out the envelope. I also went back through my journal and wrote down all my good things I’ve done, as I’ve not been keeping up with that at all. So I have done all of January now, so my jar looks a bit less sad lol.

I got myself showered and I sadly had to say goodbye to the leg and armpit hair…. Because it is SO freaking hot, I need to wear my shorts and vest top and because I am not binding yet I can’t go out with hairy armpits and hairy legs because I still look like a female. I’ve had an email about my binders so I can track where they are and they should be here next week. So yeah that totally sucked, it’s been great not shaving anything. But yeah that took ages to do lol, I am SO hairy pre-T I’m going to look like a freaking bear on T lol. Ooh and had a nice minted lamb burger for lunch.

After getting rid of the fuzz, I went out in shorts and a vest top. I went back to the pet shop to exchange to clockwork rat I bought scrappy as the one I picked up didn’t work. So got him a new one, had a lil chat with the ladies in there. Went up to the doctors and picked up my prescription for antibiotics and I got them at the chemist. I took the first two on the bus home so I didn’t forget.

At about 6 pm I took the pups across the road for a run as it was a bit cooler. I took their water over with us as scrappy get thirsty quickly. We spent over an hour over there just chilling, playing about. Met Loki the big Husky, he came out to play with scrappy and foxy for a bit. He’s got a new 100m lead so he could actually run about and play with them. I took some really lovely pictures as well πŸ™‚ I love being outside with the pups so so much, I never used to like it. But I think maybe that’s been down to anxiety and now I don’t really have social anxiety I just want to be out all the time and the pups are a great motivation to be out more too.

Chilled out played on my tab for a bit. Sorted out some more laundry. I nipped into Asda to pick up my pain killers and order more injections. I got myself some bits as well that I didn’t order online, as I order from Tesco’s and they don’t have the pups favourite treats in and just some over bits I needed.

Had another minted lamb burger for dinner, watched some tv and caught up on fb.

I CANNOT wait until Fri when my main man J comes down. YEAH BOY! He gets in town just before midday so when we get back to mine we are going to have lunch and chill, then take the pups across the road and pack some cans of fizz and some sweets and just chill and play about over there with the dogs πŸ™‚ Just cannot wait!

Going to give group tomorrow some feedback about what I took from the Weymouth group. But need to say it in a way that its not a judgement to the our group, I think I am just going to totally own it saw I saw this, I think this etc and see what they think. As I do think the group needs to change a little. I am going to tell the group that as from next Thursday I will be no longer on my bipolar meds and that I would really appreciate if they asked me how it was going, how I am coping and if they see any changes in my mood when they see me at group then I would love some feedback and I think that is totally what group is about. We should be supporting each other, we need to be closer, move on from what’s happened in the past if we can. We need to be more of a community as at the moment it feels disjointed and everyone just comes for themselves. Hopefully I’ll be able to do all this fairly well.

Peace out

Batman