Empowered

Writing and looking at myself and shown me how much I let others have such a huge influence on my life, no wonder I felt so lost, confused and frustrated! I wasn’t living my life for myself! I was bending myself into who I thought I should be for everyone else but myself! WTF was that?! No wonder I completely lost myself, I was too wrapped up in being everything for everyone else.

I let other peoples opinions influence me far more then I should have done. I completely lost myself in my last relationship, they were older then me so I thought I need to ‘grow up’ but that wasn’t being true to who I am and how I express myself.

Looking back on those times I just can’t believe how much of a hold other people’s opinions over me and my own thoughts of who I should be and I should present myself to other people.

I let other people have an influence in my hairstyle, my clothes, the things I have in my house! I felt like I needed to be a ‘proper grown up’ But I am a grown up, I am just very in touch with my inner child and there’s no one way to be an adult! It’s so ok to be 35 and love watching Spongebob! Its ok to wear clothes that don’t make you look like a grown up! Its ok to be 35 and still wear Adventure time socks and a batman T-shirt.

I also got rid of all my build a bear bears, I got rid of all my lego (although I don’t miss that, it was getting an expensive and I lack space for it)

But over the years I have changed myself so much for everyone and I have neglected myself so much, I haven’t been living my life for myself and haven’t been living my life how I want too, I haven’t been expressing myself and my personality for myself!

I regret so much letting many different people having such a big influence over my life, for so long I felt so f*cking lost! But now I see it was because I wasn’t being there for myself, I wasn’t being who I am.

I am so glad that now I can see all that and I am absolutely living my life for myself and expressing myself exactly how I want too! and I feel great, I don’t feel lost anymore. I know who I am and I will never get so wrapped up and get myself so entangled with other people like that, I will find people who accept me for me 100% and don’t want me to change how I dress or how I have my hair, or that I still watch cartoons! I will not settle, I will not change for anyone!

I feel such a great sense of self and a sense of empowerment that I’ve never felt before and I want to share that with everyone, I want to help others, I want to keep shining so people can see they can get through their battles too! I’ve never felt so happy before like in my entire life and it feels so great! I can’t wait to see where life takes me next!

Peace out

Zak

trauma

This lockdown has been kinda good for one thing its allowed old wounds and pains to surface and its made me face the reality of the route cause of this pain that’s been there forever.

I’ve had counselling and different therapies since I was 15 years old on and off over the years and I’ve always skirted around this issue, cuz its painful and embarrassing to admit and as I’ve gotten older its got harder.

I find it super hard to be vulnerable and honest with myself let alone anyone else. But today I was able to verbalise it, which was very uncomfortable.

My parents divorced when I was 15 and my memories from around that time are patchy. It was a pretty traumatic experience and the years running up to that weren’t that great either and again memories are patchy.

For some that may not be seen as a traumatic event but for me it was and my mental health wasn’t great before it happened as I started self harming when I was around 9/10 years old. I can’t explain why I started self harming as again memories are fractured, not in order or missing completely.

I was an extremely anxious and extremely shy as a little kid, I struggled to make friends, I always felt left out and I still feel the same now at the age of 35 years old.

I think as you get older you tend to romanticise what your childhood was like, with me I don’t remember much at all. But I remember what it made me feel, what I felt then is what I feel now. No matter how hard I try to heal, to move forward. I am always dragged back to how I felt at the age of 15 years old.

I still feel like a little kid standing in a room full of adults trying to be seen and heard, I feel like I don’t exist, I feel alone, intense loneliness, I feel so sad, I’m in so much pain, I feel lost, I feel scared, I feel numb, I feel unloved and unlovable, I feel unwanted.

I can’t keep bleeding over the same thing, hurting over the same thing. It’s just too hard, too painful.

I feel so left out, everyone has their circle of friends and I’m standing way on the sidelines, waiting to be seen and heard, waiting for the scraps, waiting to have my existence remembered. I can’t do it anymore.

I’ve not hit any expected adult mile stones, I’ve never been in a long term relationships, I’ve never lived with anyone, I’ve never been engaged, married, I don’t have kids, never had a long term employment (mainly due to my physical health) 1 long term friendship which I no longer have. I don’t have kids, don’t own my place and never have. Never travelled anywhere, never done anything.

I feel like I’ve missed out on so much because of this trauma that hides inside me and seems to have such a strong hold over me. I end up bleeding on everyone around me and no one wants to deal with that. But I don’t mean too, I try so hard but doesn’t seem to be working. But I’m just a traumatise kid inside.

I’m so exhausted, so tired of trying, tired of feeling this pain, tired of fighting to be seen and heard, tired of existing. I’m tired of looking after myself, tired of acting like I’m a grown up when really I maybe 35 but emotionally, socially etc I’m still just a 15 year old kid inside. It exhausting trying to pretend I’m ok when I’m not.

This is hard

Peace out

Zak

Breaking very old patterns

As I mentioned in my last post, I had written 2 long posts early hours of this morning, but I knew I would need to proof read the spelling and if they made sense or not before posting as they were both written pretty quickly, as I didn’t want to forget anything and wanted to get everything out.

So here goes…

Stuck in patterns especially with friendships and relationships. Experiencing the same same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

I didn’t just need to step out of these friendships, I also needed to look at myself and where I was going wrong and why these patterns kept repeating.

A lot of it was because I let it happen and let those patterns continue as I wasn’t in tune, I wasn’t learning, changing or moving forward.

I also thought it’s all I deserved and because shitty friendships and relationships kept happening, so must be me right? I must have been the reason I was being treated in the ways that I was. That’s a little bit true in the fact I left my behaviour unchecked and unchallenged but I also didn’t challenge others about what they said and the way they treated me, I didn’t express how I felt when someone did or said something. I just shut up and accepted that’s all I deserved.

I’ve always struggled to maintain friendships and relationships. I know I’m not an easy person, I’m overly sensitive and I take things to heart. I used to view these as bad qualities because I was told constantly I’m too emotional, I’m too much to handle etc.

But my sensitivity is what makes me special, it’s what makes me different, it’s what makes me me!

I think these people just didn’t have the same emotional capacity, emotional intelligence as me, so it was easier to make out that I’m the bat shit crazy one and I’ll be the first to admit that I am absolutely bat shit crazy but I’m absolutely cool with that.

I wasn’t built for this cookie cutter society, I was built to stand out and shine bright. But all my life I’ve been surrounded by people who’ve slowly helped to dim that light until I was completely lost in the darkness, just serving others and not looking after myself because myself was completely lost.

I felt invisible like I was only here to serve the needs of others, regardless of the cost to myself. It’s what I deserved, after all I was only a shadow.

The last two years have been the most brutally beautiful and eye opening. It’s like my light has been switched on again and is starting to flicker and with every passing day it gets a little bit brighter.

2018 was the year I fell in love after being on my own for 5 years. Even though it lasted only 7 months I fell hard but it was hard not too as she’s an incredible human, it was the first relationship since starting my transition and as short as it was the longest relationship I’ve had.

I was completely broken when it ended but we remained friends which was really painful to begin with and I think it’s only been really recently that I can say that I’m over her. I still adore her and I’m glad we’re still friends but she was definitely sent to teach me a huge life lesson.

After we broke up my world went from sunshine to perpetual darkness, it was devastating. I withdrew from everyone, withdrew from life, I was so angry, so sad I would spend days crying, which felt like the tears would never stop.

But it gave me the opportunity to analyse what happened, where I went wrong and what I could improve on in the future. Now this isn’t something I’ve ever done before, usually I just get depressed and eventually get over it without learning any lessons so ultimately end up repeating the same shit over again.

It wasn’t a nice process looking at what a needy, emotional, childish diva I was. How intense I was and it’s proper cringeworthy stuff, so bad that I wished I just didn’t exist, that didn’t happen and no one remembered 😂

I mean fair play to her for surviving with me as long as she did.

Even though I did have some awareness of my behaviours and how needy I can be, I tried my hardest to act like a grown up and whatever but those not so great qualities of mine snuck in and soon took over and I couldn’t control myself.

I was overly needy, paranoid, super insecure.. the list goes on.

I’ve been able to step back and take a look at myself and it’s been hard. Especially admitting my flaws but I mean it’s been an essential part of me growing and changing.

It’s taken a lot of work to process the pain and move on from that dark place but I’m doing better now and I hope that if/when a new relationship arises that I’ll be better equipped to deal with myself and have a healthy relationship.

This all led to me taking a step back from important friendships in my life.

Often with long term friendships we don’t tend to take a step back and look at it and see the toxicity that’s slowly crept in along with the complacency.

Whilst this particular person was the one who actually took the plunge and said we need to take a step back from each other, it was something that I was already contemplating and thinking over. They just got to it quicker then I did. But I wanted to take my time look at everything, process everything before I made a decision but my hand was forced and this person did the ending off.

Which as time has gone on has been more of a relief then I imagined.

I won’t go into the ins and outs but toxic behaviour on both sides, a difference in needs/wants/expectations of the friendship which ultimately for me led to feeling disappointed and let down a lot.

I did though put in an important boundary for myself and blocked this person from all my social media as I feel like I wasn’t supported as much as I needed/wanted/expected, so they don’t get to know/see the next parts of my life. Plus a clean break from a bad environment is always good.

The other friendship, well I dunno just things had changed, I had changed and it was just too much of an effort and I just couldn’t be bothered anymore, we’d outgrown each other.

The other friendship, well I was sick to death of hearing the same old depressing shit over and over again and giving my advice and practical help but nothing changed. I walked away for my own sanity.

These decisions weren’t taken lightly as it left me extremely lonely as these people were the only ones that were the closest to me.

I feel like I’m no longer being strangled by others expectations and need. Which has been really freeing.

I’ve spent the last 6 months with huge chunks of time just on my own and it’s been amazing.

The friendships/people I still talk to now is such a different set up. No expectations of anything, we talk as and when, I meet-up with people as and when I feel up to it. I can say no and mean it, without feeling guilty about it. I can put in boundaries without feeling guilty. Proper grown up stuff lol!

I feel like a weight has been lifted, my light is shining bright, my confidence and self esteem is slowly building. I’m becoming the person I’m actually proud of.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Holy shit who is this person that wrote this deep stuff?! like wow! ahaha. Its amazing what flows out at 4am.

Again another hugely raw and vulnerable post but its good to get this stuff out. I feel good, I am good.

Peace out

Zak

Vortex of negative thoughts

I really want to decorate and replace most of my furniture.

I don’t feel capable enough to do it myself. Although I know I’d love to do it myself, I love creating things.

I really want to create a cozy, safe spot space.

I know how to re-decorate and I have a vision of how I want it to look, but I’m scared I’d mess it all up. Which is so stupid.

My fear of messing up stops me doing so much. It physically holds me in place, so I can’t move. I then just get stuck in a vortex of negative thoughts and it just perpetuates the fear and anxiety.

I’m so trapped inside myself, I can’t find my way out of my head. It’s so frustrating, I could be so much better then I am. But I’m scared to try, I hold myself back and hold everything in. Making myself invisible, so I’m not seen.

I suppose it’s because I feel so unworthy, sometimes I even feel unworthy of being alive, like I’d happily swap places with someone who would benefit the world, even if it meant I wasn’t here anymore. I dunno if other people have felt the same or just me.

I’ve tired so hard to change over the years, it’s so exhausting. I keep thinking maybe this is just me, I can’t change, I just have to deal with this darkness forever. M

I feel like everyone grew up and moved on without me, I just can’t figure out how to do that. I must be stupid if everyone else can figure stuff out but not me.

My soul is so tired, filled with more darkness then light. Maybe one day I’ll figure stuff out and start stepping into the light, but for now I’m just drowning in the darkness, trying to grasp the thin rays of light.

Peace out

Zak

Random brain stuffs

Thought I’d share some stuff I’ve previously written but not posted. Here’s some random stuff from my weird brain

Written 28th March 1am (I remember crying towards the end which is why I didn’t finish it or post it.

Feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed right now and struggling to know how to keep moving forward.

I need to stop blocking people out and let the right people in.

I’m trying my best to put myself out there but it’s so hard.

I don’t feel like I belong to a community and I so need a community around me to help me grow, to help guide and mentor me. But I feel I’m too difficult to be around and I feel people are to busy with their own lives that I’d just be in the way.

I’ve never truly felt wanted by anyone and that’s so hard to deal with. It’s why I keep people away.

I think I’ve been disguising my depression and low self worth by keeping busy and keeping distracted but this evening I just let myself be and just sit. My brain is going a million miles just streaming all this stuff I want and need to get on with and just continue that purge. I’ve not really been sticking to one task at a time, it’s all been a bit disjointed and all over the place.

I don’t know if I’ll ever feel worthy of anything, I don’t know if I’ll ever have good friends, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel wanted.

I feel directionless and like I need help but I don’t know who I’d ask. I don’t feel worthy enough of someone’s time and help anyone.

I feel like a lot of my life I’ve just been let to just survive and figure stuff out by myself and in that respects nothings changed.

I’m heading towards some life changing events that I just feel so unprepared for and I feel like I’m going to have to figure it out myself and get through it on my own.

I miss my dad so much, there’s so he’s not here to teach me. He’s not here to just be there for me, I always felt unconditional love from him and he’s the only person I’ve ever felt safe to be truly vulnerable and honest about my mental health because he never judged me. I feel like I don’t have that anymore, I feel shut off from being like that because I’ve just had to survive and get through. But also I feel nobody really listens anymore, he may not of understood me completely but he tried his best and he always listened without judgement and without advice, he just sat, he listened and let me talk through it and then we’d have a laugh. I miss that so much and I need that again. But I don’t know where to find that.

I just feel so lost in my identity, there’s so much I wanna change with how I look, how I dress, my place. I want it all to reflect who I know I am inside, I need to shine. I just don’t know how too.

………………………………………………………..

Written 5 April just before midnight (again I was crying writing it)

Still a lost, scared, lonely little kid. Nothing feels like it’s changing.

I’ve always been lonely, there was a time I had lots of friends but only when I made an effort.

………………………………………………………..

Another one written on the 5th April

Pushed away everyone because I didn’t want to fit into a box.

I don’t want to be around the mental health community, I don’t feel I have it bad enough.

I don’t feel I fit into the trans community because I’m not trans enough.

I don’t feel I fit into the disabled community cuz I’m not sick enough.

I don’t fit anywhere, I’m not anyone.

Maybe it is me, I’m not perfect but I’m not a bad person.. but it must be me

………………………………………………………..

Another 5th April, it’s more of an unfinished poem

Sitting in a rickety old boat, out in the middle of the sea.

I’m screaming and screaming but no one can hear me.

I hate the silence, it’s so loud.

Do I keep rowing in the darkness hoping I’ll eventually find the land? Or do I just stop and see

………………………………………………………..

That’s all I’ve written lately, well I’ve had more running around my head but I’ve just not taken the time to write it down.

Peace out

Zak

Lost boy

When I’m feeling low and I make silly mistakes it’s hard not to tear myself down.

For example, I’m currently on the coach to London and I was feeling ok. But then I forgot to pick up my appointment letter and deed poll. So now I feel like shit, negative thoughts running through my head. Like how can I be so fucking stupid!? I even had it out on the side ready to go… I just didn’t pick it up! 🤬😡 so angry at myself.

The difference is, if I was feeling ok it wouldn’t bother me, I’d just get over it.

But at the moment I feel super sensitive, overly emotional and pretty worthless. I hate feeling like this so much, I just wanna feel happy. It’s hard getting out of this negative funk 😔 but I’m trying hard.

I hate feeling so sensitive, every little thing cuts really deep and hurts a lot. I don’t want to feel like this but I can’t seem to get a handle on it.

Just feel so vulnerable and exposed, it’s not a comfortable feeling. As I’m usually quite closed off. But I feel naked, like my heart is exposed for all to see. I can’t hide how I feel.

I feel like a lost child, who’s been left out in the wilderness to fend for himself. I’m terrified of my emotions, scared of feeling vulnerable, scared of feeling so deeply, scared of feeling happy because often with happiness come heartache.

I feel so fragile like a egg shell, the slightest knock will shatter me and I won’t be able to piece myself back together again.

Some people will saying feeling sensitive is a strength, but how comes I feel so weak?

I just want to feel happy

Peace

Zak

*Insert*Title*Here*

I don’t often write in between my weekly transition blogs, but I feel like I needed to write today, I got things I just need to get out and maybe it will help me make sense of everything.

It’s probably gonna come out a bit all over the place and scattered, but that’s how my brain is feeling at the moment. It probably won’t be strictly transition related but a bit of everything that happening in my life at the moment, so transition, physical health, mental health, family etc…

I can’t even remember the last time I just wrote a regular blog entry, must have been a while ago now.

I literally don’t know where to even start… Ok I’ll start with the good stuff going on, so I can get into the flow of things and unpick my brain as I go along.

My name change is all official now, which is really awesome and feels so good. I am now legally Mr Zak Dyllan Mills! Woohoo! I’ve already changed it at the bank and the doctors and I’ve written some letters too, they just need posting. It just feels really right and just the next part of my transition, I feel much more like me now. Which probably sounds weird as its just a name but for me a name is quite an important part of my identity and how the world views me and how I view myself. So yeah feeling pretty awesome about that.

Last Sunday my new little nephew Alex came into the world, weighing in at 9lbs 3! the lil fatty lol but he’s so damn cute. I already had cuddles on Tuesday with him, he was just so content just laying on my lap fast asleep, he’s so chill. Proud uncle to 3 nephews, which is insane! the eldest will be 9 this year, its just flown by so fast. I absolutely adore all of them.

Physical health hasn’t really been too great this year, I’ve had infection after infection. Over the new years I kept getting nose bleeds, I then had a sinus infection, then last month I had a ear infection and at the moment I’ve had a chest infection for about 3 weeks and I’ve had lots of really bad nose bleeds as well. So I’m not sure what’s really going on, but I went to Southampton hospital this week and he took some blood to see what was happening. As he didn’t want to up the cellcept and make me more immuo-suppressed just in case its just been back luck that I’ve been getting ill and not due to my Churg Strauss Syndrome playing up, but he can’t tell until he gets the results. I’m hoping I’ll hear about the results soon and I’mm also kind of hoping its just been a bad run of luck getting ill and nothing more serious then that. But when nose bleeds are involved I know its more likely to be my condition as nose bleeds were one of my first ever symptoms. I’ll just have to see what happens with all this… I am hoping its nothing serious, I’d rather not up any medication if I don’t have too.

My mental health has been a bit of a mixture recently, its been quite difficult to deal with and I know its made me a bit harder to be around as well. Its not really been the bipolar that I’ve been struggling to control, although fighting with the depression and bad thoughts some days seems like the easy part of it all. I’ve been really struggling with the gender dysphoria, it hits so hard and its overwhelming and intense beyond words. The slightest thing can kick it off and I feel like I have zero control over it, which in itself is kinda frustrating and a bit scary.

Its my chest that is causing all the distress, anxiety and stress. I want top surgery so bad. I’ve never liked my chest, its always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. When the dysphoria hits, I feel so detached, I feel like a ghost, I just want to be as far away from myself and my body as I can get, so I just disassociate but then I find it hard to get back in my body again. It really effects my mood, it makes me feel so depressed and really agitated because I’m not comfortable in my skin, because it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, its never really belonged to me. I know I have to do some work around acceptance of self etc, as I know surgery will not fix all the emotional stuff but it will ease it. But right now that seems like a big thing to work on by myself.

I’m already starting to stress about summer and the warmer weather, as I get hot easily so it wont be as easy to cover up while remaining comfortable. I’m already aware that its gonna cause me a huge deal of stress and anxiety and it may make me less likely to go out far, I’m already anticipating how I’m going to feel, be etc… So I don’t know how I’m going to handle that and get through it.

Not being able to bind my chest makes it all the worse, I think maybe if I could bind that would take a bit of anxiety and stress out of it, I’ve been still trying on the high impact sports bras as they were the most comfortable out of everything I tried but its still not comfortable enough, especially with my chest problems I experience anyway. Its just so fucking frustrating! and doesn’t seem to be getting any easier to deal with, but the longer I’m on T the worse its getting to deal with and most days I feel pretty agitated and anxious. Its not so bad if I’m just at home and not really going anywhere, but as soon as I’ve got to go out for any period of time, especially on my own then I feel so self conscious, agitated and anxious.

I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo, like life can’t move forward right now and I know I’ve stopped moving forward, I wouldn’t know where to go now anyway. I just feel stuck, waiting for life to start again but I can’t find the button. I know I shouldn’t be waiting for top surgery but that’s what it feels like, I feel like after that then my life can start going again, where too I don’t know. I know my life can be better then it is right now, but I don’t know where I’m going, what I want, what direction, what I should or shouldn’t be doing… I’m in a rut and I hate it. Desperately trying to find things that make me really happy and not much is making me as happy as before. I mean I’m not totally unhappy, but I know things can and should be better, I just lost the drive to find it, I feel lost.

Ok… so maybe I needed to write this a more then I really realised but feels good to get it all out, I can breathe now. Been feeling mostly ok today, as I’ve stayed close to home, I’ve only been out to take the dogs for a run. Have felt so so tired today, I’ve just been chilling and looking after myself. I also finished writing out my ESA forms, I just need to get my paperwork together and then Monday I can post it all off recorded delivery, so they can’t say they didn’t get it. But I’ll sort that out on Monday I think, gonna spend the rest of the weekend just relaxing and looking after myself.

That’s it for now, am getting hungry…bloody steroids lol! Gonna go cook myself some food, although I’d really love a take away but money is low.. so cooking it is lol!

Peace out

Zak

Emotional Robot

I don’t know if I’ll post this but I needed to write to get it all out of my head before I go insane.

I feel so disconnected from everything, I feel like a robot, nothing feels real. I’m just doing things because I have to, just emotionless, going through the motions.

Yet inside, my heart is just burning up with pain. It feels so overwhelming and I don’t know what it is.

And I just can’t let myself be vulnerable with anyone because I’m scared, I’m scared of people knowing I’ve not got it all together like I show people, I’m scared of being rejected for it, I’m scared I won’t be able to get myself back together again.

I feel so fucking broken, so lost.

I feel so anxious all the time, I only go out the absolute bare minimum. I just can’t face the world. I can’t keep putting on the mask.

I feel like I could scream and shout, punch and kick and still I wouldn’t be heard. Why would anyone care anyway?

This pain is crippling, squeezing ever last ounce of my soul out, into just a puddle of nothing on the floor.

I just want it to stop.

Peace out

Batman

Not feeling myself at all

Its been a week since I updated last and that’s mainly because I haven’t done much and I haven’t been feeling quite myself either, I’ve been feeling a bit empty and lost, something I haven’t felt for a while.

I’m finding it hard to think of anything to write about as like I’ve said I’ve not done much and my mood has been pretty low. I hate feeling empty and lost but I don’t even know what’s caused this, which is even worse because I don’t know how to fix it.

I hate my body right now because my man boobs are so swollen and sore, reminding me I am  genetically female.. yeah like I need a reminder. I don’t know why they are, I am hoping it stops soon because this is not helping at all. I have been disassociating from my body way too much but it helps me cope with the gender dysphoria but long term it makes me disconnect from my whole self, which is possibly why I’ve been feeling empty and lost. I’m going to do some meditation before bed tonight just to ground myself and see if that helps.

Isolation hasn’t helped with how I’ve been feeling, I’ve seen like 4 people in 2 weeks. First it started out with just needing a bit of time out and then I got ill so I had isolation forced upon me, as I felt too ill to go anywhere and it just got worse from there. I’ve literally been spending my days waking up and then waiting for bed time again with the middle part being incredibly bored.

I have had to good days out this week thanks to my bro, he’s such a good brother. On Tues we went for a drive with the pups and stopped at a few places so they could go run around, which they loved. Scrappy did loads of swimming about and getting muddy lol and Foxy kept sitting in the pushchair with Leo. On Fri he took me to Monkey world for the day and that was awesome fun, I love it there. We had a little drive on the way home which was nice. It’s taken me 2 days to recover though, I slept for 13 hours Fri night and didn’t wake up still gone 1pm Saturday afternoon, haven’t slept that long in ages and today I’ve struggled to stay awake because all I’ve wanted to do is sleep. Think I am over the worst of it now, feeling much less drowsy. On these two days my mood was much better because I was occupied and not alone.

Next week I am pretty booked up and busy, which is good. It means I have to get out and about at a reasonable time and do stuff and be social. Hopefully it will help me to feel myself again. Its such a weird feeling not feeling myself but I can’t really explain it either, its just weird.

I so don’t want to take the pups out tonight, its raining so hard out! It has been for most of the day. Thought it was meant to be spring! haha, typical British weather.

Really don’t have much else to say…my mind has gone blank and well there’s nothing much in there anyway lol. So I shall wrap this up for now and hopefully I’ll have something more interesting to write about soon.

Peace out

Batman

I hate gender dysphoria

So I’ve not been around for a while, mainly because I’ve been too tired by the evening to write, but partly because I just haven’t felt like it.

I’ve been really struggling this week, just in my over all life. I’ve struggled with my mind and the gender dysphoria and dissociation from my body and feelings. Also I’ve not been feeling well, I am struggling coming off the steroids, I am just exhausted all the time.

I’ve also had a complete nightmare regarding my little op to have two teeth removed. It was meant to be last week, but now it’s this Thursday and I did have someone to look after me afterwards but now I don’t…again! My family are useless, as I resorted to them to help. But non of them are able too, well not able to stay with me at MY house, I don’t want to be recovering at my nan and grandad’s as they don’t want the dogs there and I would rather be at home with all my babies. But the mothership is picking me up from hospital and staying with me for a bit and then I am on my own. But fuck it, I’ll be ok. I always am because I always have to be. Just reminds me of being 7 years old having my first asthma attack and being left in the children’s ward on my own all night, without my parents. I was ok then and I will be ok now, I’ve always been looking after myself. It just fucks me off that at the end of the day I have not one single person in my life that I can’t rely on 100% because most of my friends have physical/mental health issues or both and I get that and I hold not hate or resentment for that. But most of my friends at least have their family or other friends to support and help them. But as this situation proves I have no one, no family that are supportive in any aspect of my life. I miss my dad so fucking much because I know he would be here in a heartbeat, he would take time off and come down and help me. 4 years this year since he died and not a minute goes by that I wish it wasn’t him that had died. I am so full of anger because of this situation and well the gender dysphoria doesn’t help. But as usual this boy will be fine because I have to be.

Today I don’t really know how I feel other then really tired. I feel lost, I feel really lost but I don’t know why…is this just the gender dypshoria or what? I’m not sure. I’ve managed to do the housework and take the pups out but that’s it. I’ve just had to sit and just be because I’ve not been able to do anything else. Sometimes nothing works other then just sitting and being.

I feel like giving up on my transition, I know this is just a thought and I know that nothing will ever come of this thought but I want it too much. But it feels too hard right now, I hate the gender dysphoria, I just hate feeling so shit all the time. I just want to start testosterone already! Being in this limbo, waiting to get to the gender identity clinic is bullshit! I guess I’m just tired and depressed and just not feeling so good right now. This month is such a stressful month with having my teeth out, having my flu jab, sorting out the paper work for my new disability benefit and the anniversary of dad’s death as well. I just want this month over with.

So yeah that’s me caught up, I’m not doing great but I am trying my best just to keep going and at least pretend like I’m ok and having fun.

Urgh I just feel so fucking shit at the moment. I do have my trans group social tonight and I am still unsure if I feel up for going or not right now. I’m going to have dinner and see how I feel.

Anyway yeah that’s all from me.

Peace out

Batman