LOCKDOWN SUCKS

I’ve not written anything for a while because there is SO much in my head, so much to write it feels too overwhelming to even begin to think through and process.

Things keep popping up that I thought I was done dealing with, one thing/person in particular and it sucks! Sometimes I really hate being so sensitive as things seem to take forever to stop hurting over and over about the same thing, people, situations etc. I wish so much was different, I wish I was different but there’s little I can do to change any of that now.

I was searching through paperwork on Monday and found a few receipts and a letter that stirred up a lot of emotions. I don’t know what to do with this letter, keeping it isn’t good but I’m not ready to let go. I’m not ready to let go of this person, I still feel as raw as when we broke up, that was 19 months ago. I know healing isn’t linear but I feel like some of my wounds never fully heal, despite the work I put in, despite not wanting to be hurting anymore.

Lockdown has stirred up so much stuff within me and its hard being lockdown on my own. Lockdown has stripped me of any kind of intimacy, there’s loads of different ways to be intimate, social, emotional, intellectual, physical etc. And this part of lockdown is starting to become increasingly difficult to deal with. I didn’t realise how much I miss intimacy, how much I need it. I definitely miss it so much in a more romantic way, fuck I miss that so much, but I miss that person so much too.

This disconnection from humans is brutal and unnatural, we’re not built to be alone, we’re not built for this much with no physical contact. It’s not good for anyone’s mental health and it feels like I’m being pulled and dragged back into a place I worked so hard to get out of, 1 step forward 1000 back. I feel disconnect but at the same time I feel overwhelmed and feel everything.

I am getting used to the new routine, letting go and trying to focus on the day to day rather then looking into the future. That part is easy to deal with now, it was really hard at the start because I struggle with changes, especially big changes and changes in routine. But kinda feels nice to be relaxing more and being outside more with the dogs, I like that most places I walk feels calmer, I don’t miss the busyness of town and the noise of the people doing food shopping.

Some days are better then others but everyday the swirling mess of feelings is stuck inside my brain.

I’ve always felt quite lonely for as long as I can remember, never felt like I quite belonged and these feelings kinda come and go. But lockdown has stirred all that up again and it kinda feels like I’m gonna be alone forever.

Going over the same old thoughts, same old circles round and round. Feel like I’ll always be stuck here. I’m always being told that working on yourself comes from within, only you can change yourself etc. But I try so hard and it doesn’t seem to be good enough, it never changes, not really. Maybe I just can’t do it alone, but also meant to be alone. Feel like I’m gonna be stuck with this internal pain forever.

Peace out

Zak

Hibernation mode

I’ve been really struggling to write on a regular basis, even though I know it helps me. I’ve been trying to write in my notebook, as that feels a bit less pressure then writing my blog, as it doesn’t have to make sense, or even full sentences. It’s mainly just random, partially formed thoughts, that are rolling around in my head.

I’ve had a lot of blog ideas, stuff I want to write about, delve deeper into. But I just haven’t had the motivation to do so.

The weather has been so sucky recently, we’ve had so much rain! There’s been very few nice days in what feels like forever! and this really hasn’t helped with my low mood, lack of motivation.

I’ve also been overeating, ugh! which makes me feel so shitty. Throughout December my excuse for eating crap was its Christmas, so it was cool to eat crap. But I was cooking dinner for myself every day, which in the past I’ve really struggled with. In recent weeks, I’ve kind of lost control over my eating and I’ve been eating too much, eating when I’m not even hungry and eating more crappy shit then I actually did in December.

I’ve recognised that I am overeating due to low mood and being bored, which is the first step to getting my eating back to not normal but eating less. I’ve stopped buying in crappy snacks and I’ve been trying intermittent fasting, which has helped me in the past to regain control over my overeating.

I know this will help improve my mood, as overeating makes me feel so crap and I’ve put on so much weight as well, which makes me feel so gross about myself. Now I’m on testosterone any weight I put on goes straight to my stomach and man I just look like a pot bellied pig right now! I already have pretty low self esteem and right now its really low.

Since December, I’ve been in hibernation mode, eating snacks and mainly staying at home on my own, out of choice. It’s been great, I’ve really needed to recharge and relax. Usually I don’t like being alone for too long and it in the past has effected my mood. But I’ve actually really enjoyed this time alone, I’ve not missed being around people, it hasn’t effected my mood like it usually does. It’s definitely been a huge spiritual change that I’ve been going through recently and it feels great. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of something great but I’m not quite ready to make that leap out of my cocoon and fly over the edge and that’s ok, things take time.

I’m still not ready to come out of hibernation mode just get and that’s cool, I just need to maybe push myself a little bit to write actual blog posts as well as my random notes I’ve got floating around in my millions of notebooks lol!

Peace out

Zak

The darkness

I wrote this 12/10/19 in the morning, I woke up feeling sad.

Urgh I feel as shitty as this shitty weather. It’s been so grey and horrible, constantly raining! I’m so over it. It hurts my legs and does nothing for my mood.

I didn’t sleep well last night and I’m absolutely exhausted. My anxiety has decided to rear it’s shaky head today. Back to breath holding again, urgh!

This full moon energy sucks, it’s so heavy and feels like it’s draining me and pulling everything out of me.

Disconnected and discombobulated, just meh.

Feels like the sun will never shine again.

I know this phase will pass eventually, but I’m so tired of doing this on my own.

A week Tuesday till my psych app. I so hope I can go back and do DBT, I deffo need a bit of support and a fresher.

Peace out

Zak

Left behind

I always feel like I’m being left behind, left out, like I’m still a little kid just still struggling to figure out what’s happening.

I feel like I’m missing out and being missed out of things.

I feel like no one really knows me or even wants to invest that time into me.

I feel that because I’m sensitive and emotional, it just puts people off.

I’m just a small person with big feelings and I know I’m weird and childlike but life is far too short to be serious.

I’ll never fit in anywhere properly, my life seems like it will be me and my animals and just temporary people.

That’s not what I want though, I want to find my tribe, people who truly accept me for me and truly mean it.

I find it hard to trust others now because I’ve always been let down and disappointed by people.

I’m tired of feeling lonely and being alone.

I won’t change who I am to fit in with who anyone wants me to be. I’ll meet you where you’re at if you’ll do the same for me.

The path I’ve been walking for the last few years have been incredibly lonely, with brief times of sunshine and happiness but never lasting long.

I want someone to take my hand and show me how proper love and friendship is meant to be.

I’m tired of the darkness, I want to see the sunshine again

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy – Top Surgery

I’ve not posted anything in a while, I always think I have to be ‘in the right mood’ in order to be able to write a good post, but I realised that was just me being lazy and procrastinating. I decided I just need to get over myself and WRITE! I enjoy writing, it always makes me feel better, so I’m not sure why I stop myself.

A lot has happened in the last 2 months, since my last post. The main big news is that I’ve finally had top surgery! I had it 5 weeks ago 20th August! Everything went really well, my scars and new nipples look amazing! I am beyond happy! I’m still having to wear a compression binder..Urgh! But hopefully another week longer and I’ll be free!

I have a check up on Thursday, as I have a clot of blood sat on my right side of the chest, that they just need to drain and hopefully after that I won’t need to go back again. Wearing the compression binder has been pretty brutal, as I’ve been wearing it for nearly 5 weeks straight. I’ve had a few days where I’ve taken it off and given my chest a break. My skin is a bit sore where the binder has been rubbing on my skin and my ribs on the left are a bit swollen and this is exactly why I didn’t wear a binder in the first place, because its just too painful, uncomfortable and hot.

I have had a handful of good friends who’ve been so great during this time, I was so grateful to have people take me to the hospital before my op, bring me home, friends looking after my fur babies and friends taking me back and forth for check up apps and a couple of people coming over. It was one of the things I was worried about but I got there and back and my fur babies were look after, those were the most important things. So that made things easier.

Recovery has been a bit more difficult, its been pretty lonely and boring. I think week 3 of recovery was when I went out on my own, as I was so bored and I just needed to get out and then I also took the dogs out for the day which was great but man did that put me on my ass for the next few days. I’ve been trying to walk and get out as much as I can to start building myself up again, but still gotta take it easy and there’s still things I’ve got to be careful doing. I can’t reach my arms over my head yet and I can’t lift anything heavy still either.

Just been trying to occupy my time with different things, reading, meditation, gaming, playing inside with the dogs, napping, Netflix, colouring in. I keep I suppose its disassociating and just sitting staring and hours pass by and I haven’t moved or done anything. I also keep getting bouts of really bad anxiety, like anxiety I’ve not experienced before, it’s been so bad that I can’t move, I can’t tolerate noise, I’m just frozen and I felt so exhausted. Some days I was able to push through and make myself get out of the house, even just to walk to dogs, but even that was a massive effort. So things haven’t all been great just because I’ve had surgery, like it doesn’t solve all the issues, that I previously was struggling with. I think loneliness and isolation has really made it worse, as usual. It sucks not being able to volunteer and not having the energy to be out as much as I would like to be. It has had a huge emotional toll and I still haven’t really processed it and I think that’s another reason I’ve put off writing, because it means I don’t have to empty my guts out onto a page and examine what the fucks going on in that crazy brain of mine. I suppose this could be the start of the process but who knows.

So yeah its not been all flowers and rainbows, its been hard. I think the first 2 weeks after surgery, I kept having moments of feeling so blissed out, which was incredible. But then like I said the issues I had already before surgery reared their ugly heads again. But I mean I’m ok, I’m just frustrated, I miss not being in a routine and just doing things, I miss volunteering and seeing people. Kinda feels like a bit of a step back with the isolation… but I mean yeah.. I’m sure that will get better once I can do stuff again.

Above are pictures of my hospital room, me before and after surgery. I’m pretty impressed with how incredibly well my body has healed so far. The body is an amazing thing! I’m so blessed not to have had any major complications and everything has gone relatively well.

Just before surgery I had to have a ultrasound scan of my womb, as I was coming up to two years on testosterone, so its something they do. Results came back to say the lining of my womb is still thick and it shouldn’t be, so gotta go to gynaecologist in Dec, not overly looking forward to that, but its good they are looking into what might be happening.

2 days after surgery was my 2 years on testosterone anniversary 22nd August! I can’t believe it! It’s gone so quickly! I look so different too! In spite of all the mental health stuff I have going on, I do feel better on a more spiritual level, I feel more me, I just feel right now, well getting there, but I do feel more comfortable being me. I’m sure as more time passes the better that will get. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come and I still have a way to go, but I’m finally on the road I want to be.

Well that’s all for now, I hope whoever read this, enjoys it.

Peace out,

Zak

The light at the end of the darkness

I feel happy again and I can say that now and actually mean it.

Just a few months ago I was in the darkness, struggling to get through a day. At times I felt so tired, I just didn’t want to keep going.

I recognised that it’s not that I wanted to die, I just needed the pain to end.

At that time if you had told me to just hold on because you’ll soon be surrounded by some amazing people and you’ll soon be having top surgery, I probably wouldn’t have believed you.

My world was so dark, I just couldn’t see that there would ever be light and happiness again in my life.

But sat here now late at night, I feel happy, I feel content, I feel understood, I feel connected, I feel loved, I feel like I’m wanted. And it’s the most amazing feeling ever because I don’t feel I’ve ever really experienced it, I’ve never been around a group of friends who encourage each other, genuinely care about each other, have different passions and talents, who build each other up, help each other without question.

Most of my past friendships have come with conditions and they were about what I could offer, non of those friendships have endured and non of them really helped me grow, but they opened my eyes to the fact my kind nature attracts damaged souls and can easily be taken advantage of.

But now it feels different and for that I am eternally grateful, I let myself be vulnerable and open, which was scary but it’s paid off.

I know these people won’t all be in my life permanently and I’m ok with that, I know we were brought together to help each to continue to grow through our each individual journeys, by coming together as a collective, who’s knows where this will take us in 6 months/ a years time.

Its already helped me and started to heal some of the hurt I was carrying inside, I feel happy, I want to live, I’m actually excited about life now, I want to start looking to the future and what that will bring.

The only changes I made was I let myself be open and vulnerable and fuck that was scary but it’s something I’m going to continue to do, so I can keep experiencing life and hopefully new friendships and opportunities will arise.

You know who you are and I’m so grateful 💜

And to everyone in my life, know I love you, I appreciate you and I support you 💜

Peace out

Zak

Psych app!

So a few months ago I asked my GP to refer me to the my psychiatrist and I was meant to have an appointment last month, but I had to to reschedule.

Anyway I had my appointment first thing this morning. 9am… why do they book such early appointments lol!

I felt fairly awake this morning though, so it wasn’t too much of a struggle and I had enough energy for to get the bus up there.

I didn’t have to wait too long before I got seen.

I knew what I wanted to say and what I wanted from the appointment. I think that always helps, to have an idea of what you need/want etc.

So I told him everything that’s been going on recently and what I’ve been struggling with. About the anxiety, depression etc.

I said I would like to maybe do DBT again, maybe not the main therapy group but maybe the group people do whilst waiting for the main therapy.

I also said that it’s been 6 years since I finished DBT and then there’s no follow up. And he thankfully agreed that it would be a good idea, he also gave me Trazodone to help me sleep better and hopefully it will help with my anxiety too.

My next appointment is in 3 months and then I’ll have an appointment with Deirdre, she heads up the DBT group.

I last saw my psychiatrist January 2018 and I wasn’t open, I didn’t know what I wanted or needed and I didn’t want to be there. So nothing happened as a result, but I don’t think I was ready.

This appointment was different from most appointments I’ve had there, because I wanted to be there, I know things need to change and I know I can’t do it alone. I’m ready for the extra support and I need the extra support.

I’m glad I have things put in place for now and after my surgery in August. Feeling pretty proud of myself 🙂

Peace out

Zak

Dear friends,

Dear friends, old and new. To those who I’ve known for 20 years and to those who I’ve known for 2 months. I wanted to write this to catch everyone up on where I am and where I’ve been.

In January, I was in a really dark place, which is somewhere I haven’t been for a long time and I feel like I’m only just coming out of the other side of it, but I still have a way to go.

As a result of this darkness I removed everyone from my Facebook for a good 3/4 months. I was angry, frustrated, isolated, depressed and struggling to survive.

But in that time I did a lot of soul searching, I know such a cliche, but I did.

I realised that over the years I’ve been quick to shut people out of my life, I’ve been quick to give up on friendships. I was trying to cut out “bad energies, drama” etc but in doing that I closed myself off to the good energies and good stuff.

I think I became so closed off because I’m so willing to help everyone, that sometimes I get burned. That’s not necessarily down to people themselves but due to my lack of boundaries and respect for myself. I thought if I made other people happy then I’d be happy but it doesn’t work like that.

Then about 5 years ago I started exploring my gender and came out as trans and I began my journey. Which again I was really open about but I was also wary of being people’s token trans friend and I was just anxious about not being accepted or whatever. So again I made my friend circle smaller.

In making my world smaller, I’ve missed out on living. I’ve missed out on friendships with some really great people. I gave in to the negative inner voices and the darkness, I allowed myself to become isolated and alone, the anger and frustration grew within.

January was my breaking point but in the weeks and months after I spent most of time alone, thinking, reflecting and meditating.

I started to allow myself to be open, slowly I began to add people back on FB, I began to reach out to friends. I started to ignore the negative inner voice and the darkness and walked towards the light.

It’s by no means perfect, I still struggle with anxiety and depression but I’m finding it a bit easier to deal with.

I often felt my expectations of people were too high, but I realised I rarely expressed my expectations in my friendships, I can’t have expectations if people don’t know what they are.

My voluntary work has helped me so much, it’s helped me with not being so isolated, I’ve made some incredible new friends who’s friendships I am so incredibly grateful for and hopefully in 20 years plus we’ll still be friends, still having adventures and experiencing this life together.

For those who I’ve not spoken to in a long time, who I’ve recently added back, I hope you’re well and forgive me for being so distant, I had to go off in order to grow into a better version of myself and I hope to hear from you soon, much love to you.

For everyone else, know that I appreciate you, I may not say it as often as I should or even show it but I do very much appreciate every friendship I have. You’ve kept me going even when I didn’t want too. I will continue to try and be open with you about everything, it’s something I’m still working one. But I’ll get there.

Thank you to everyone for your patience, love, support and sheer awesomeness!

I love and appreciate you all!

In 6 weeks time I will embark on the next stage of my journey, my physical transition, my spiritual journey.

I’m excited, I’m a bit scared, I’m nervous but I am so ready for it, I know it’s going to be a challenge but I’m ready to face it head on.

I know I will have my friends by my side helping me through and I’m so excited to have you guys with me! I can’t wait for this next adventure!

Peace out

Zak 💜

A day in a life of a trans guy

T shot day!

It really struck me today and it’s not just a sudden realisation, it’s something I’ve always known but don’t always acknowledge. I think it’s important to acknowledge the fact that I know I’m super lucky to have access to testosterone and free healthcare for my physical transition and for that I am extremely great.

I think it’s important to acknowledge privilege and be grateful. Because not everyone gets free healthcare, let alone healthcare for their transition.

Being trans for me has been a long road and the road ahead seems to be endless.

At a point the physical transition will end but I feel that the emotional transition will continue, I’m not sure it will ever end. We are always changing, I hope I can continue to change and grow into who I am.

I know I’ve not posted regularly about my transition recently but I think it’s because I’ve felt vulnerable, anxious, self conscious, depressed and I don’t just not good enough.

I’m trying my best to open myself back up, but I’ve been so shut off it’s hard to move towards that light again. But I’ll eventually get there I’m sure 😊

Peace out

Zak

The darkness surrounds me

I wrote this last night, despite a nice day the darkness still takes a hold of me and I can’t shake it off

You ever just feel like you’re a total inconvenience to everyone?!

But it’s almost like they only stick around out of duty and pity they feel for you.

You ever feel so lost and alone, fractured and broken that nothing seems to make a difference anymore.

I feel like I’m being left behind, like I’m on the outside of life, peering in to catch a glimpse of things that could have been.

I feel like I’ve wasted so much time doing nothing and I still have no idea what to do.

Like why am I even here? I have no purpose, no point.. directionless child who is just floating around in the darkness all alone.

Faking being ok for my whole life, I can’t keep it up, it’s a heavy weight. But I feel I can’t be depressed all the time because well people don’t like that.

I’m just an old toy left upon the shelf, battered and bruised, broken and dusty. Left unloved, forgotten and alone.

I want to step into the light out of this darkness, I’m tired of going it alone

Peace out

Zak