What a nightmare.. :/

Well this week has been utter bullshit. Literally it couldn’t have gone any worse, well it probably could have but hey. I’m glad the week is over and the weekend is here, so I can try again next week. Mind on Wednesday I have to go in hospital to have 2 teeth taken out while I’m asleep.

Thursday – Urgh I felt rough when I woke up but I managed to get myself to group although when I got there I wished I hadn’t gone because I felt so flipping ill, it’s down to the fact I’m only taking my steroids every other night and my body is not liking it. So the day I don’t take my steroids is the day I feel really ill.

I got home, had a nice shower because I was so sweaty and horrible, I put my pjs on and went to sleep for a bit because I was just so flipping tired and felt so ill. But I only slept for about an hour.

Just had a sandwich for dinner as I just wasn’t up for eating anything else.

Took the pups across the road for a wee and a bit of a run as they’d not been out much. But wow that didn’t go well either.. Both the dogs were off their leads and at first we were the only ones there but then we came across some woman with two huge dogs and for some reason scrappy got spooked and ran off and I couldn’t find him anywhere! I was calling him for ages but couldn’t find him, so I headed home as I thought he may have headed that way too. I dropped foxy home and picked up my phone to see if anyone had rang as he’s got my phone number on his tag on his harness. I had a look around by Asda as that’s another place we walk, so he may have gone there. Thankfully I found him tied up just inside the door of Asda! WOW I was so pleased to see him, I cried. Luckily someone we know saw him and picked him and and took him to the shop with him. He found him running about in the road and thank god there was not a scratch on him! I’ve never been so happy to see my boy!

Had lots of snuggles with my boy when I got in and a good cry too. Chatted to some friends and went to bed because I was so achy I needed to rest.

Today hasn’t been so horrible though, although it did take me a while to get to sleep last night and it was a really restless sleep as well, I woke up really sweaty and really hot.

I slept most of the morning as I was still feeling a bit achy and poorly.

Did the housework and laundry as it needed doing. Had a nice shower and got dressed. Had something to eat, while waiting for my parcel to come.

After my parcel had arrived I took the pups up to the heath again, just up out of the way of the majority of the population. We only saw a few people and the pups had a nice time πŸ™‚

Got home, chilled out, had dinner. I went to my brothers for a bit to give Leo his birthday present. I can’t believe he’s one already! it has gone so so fast. I didn’t stay too long though.

I got in and took the pups out for a wee straight away, got back in again and got straight into my pj’s lol and I’ve just been relaxing ever since.

Got my metoject injection tonight and no steroids tonight either..so tomorrow I am going to feel like fucking shit! So I am not looking forward to how crap I am going to wake up feeling in the morning. But I have no plans tomorrow so I can just hibernate for the day.

Well I better go jab myself in the stomach! and get my butt into bed.

Peace out

Batman

Writing helps me make sense of my brain

I was going to post some pictures of the last few weeks but my laptop is being so slow! and it’s really irritating so I shall try again tomorrow.

Feeling much better today, I think writing yesterday really helped me to work through everything that was going through my head. It got it all out an I have things that I can work on to help.

I actually slept well last night πŸ™‚ probably for the first time in a while.

Woke up with really achy legs, my leg muscles are always so so sore the day after I do my injection 😦 but they didn’t feel better until I had a little nap.

Got myself showered and dressed and on days like this I am so grateful of my shower stool because there was no way I could of had a shower without sitting this morning, my legs hurt too much.

Didn’t feel confident enough to take my stick out with me today even though I should have. I managed without it ok though.

I met L and the boys in town, L treated me to a tattoo πŸ™‚ I love it so much and I so needed a bit of pain therapy! Was good fun

After we slowly made our way back to L’s picked up the pup and went to the park for a few hours, which was good.

Headed back to mine, all my furkids were happy to see me πŸ™‚

Did the house work, so I don’t have to do it tomorrow. Went and got stuff to make dinner with next week and picked up my prescription.

Just been relaxing this evening watching CSI Vegas and playing with my furkids πŸ™‚

Having a nice roast dinner tomorrow at L’s so looking forward to that, can’t beat a good roast.

Think I am going to do a little bit of colouring in my book before getting myself to bed.

11873967_10155854556405456_1074638198_nΒ our tattoo’s πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

DBT rules in times of stress

Not even sure where my head is at right now, I don’t know where to start or what even was right about today! Ok maybe it wasn’t THAT bad but my buttons were pushed today and I did get mega angry and stressed. I am a lot calmer this evening I am worried that tomorrow will be a repeat of today but I shall explain that in a bit.

I was thinking today about Tuesday when I suddenly came over feeling rather ill and it dawned on me that it wasn’t a bug because it was so short lived and a bug would have at least lasted 24 hours. I only had a bad stomach for a few hours and it was the classic symptoms of a reaction to my methotrexate! I haven’t been ill with it for a while so it didn’t click straight away. I’m glad it wasn’t a bug though.

I couldn’t sleep last night, which again is frustrating. I must have woke up at least 4 times and I was finally up by 7 am. I had something to eat, drink, showered and dressed and just straightened up the flat a bit. Took the pups out for a run for half an hour before I headed up to the doctors..

Now the trip to the doctors was a complete waste of time, the chemist had picked up my prescription for my new sharps box. I knew that once I got to the chemist that they would not have the right box as the box I need they do not stock. So the anger and frustration rises. I dropped my full sharps box and the doctors and headed back into town to the chemist.

Got to the chemist and not to my surprise at all they had the wrong size sharps box! Right colour but it was small and it only fits a few of my pens in it and that is at a push. Anger rises while talking to the chemist! I said in future that they are NOT to pick up and prescription for my sharps boxes because they do not stock the right ones and if the receptionists do not write the right prescription I can sort it out there and then at the doctors.

I then had to ring the doctors up and try and explain the situation without totally losing my shit! Which I did but I was so fucking angry and frustrated with them that I just couldn’t hold back the tears, I was that angry I cried! and I’ve not been that angry in a long time. She said she’d sort something out and to ring her back later, at that point in time there was NO FUCKING WAY! I was speaking to any of them again today!

I just sat on the sofa shaking, trying to choke back the tears as it wasn’t long till I was leaving for group and I did not want red eyes. I ended up just sucking my thumb to calm myself down, I totally zoned out just to briefly escape those intense feelings and to let it die down a bit before dealing with it again. I used my DBT skills in a very skilful way to get my feet back on the ground after being on the ceiling and it was really effective.

I composed myself and got myself ready to go to group. On the bus trip there the events of the morning kept going over in my head but I just tried to concentrate on listening to my music and looking out of the window.

Group was good, well the teaching part we were talking about grief. We looked at Worden’s 4 tasks of grief and it was really interesting, sadly we didn’t get through it all but I still have the handout that I might finish reading at some point. Some of the group dynamic stresses me out though and I did text M right after group saying that if she was talking to a certain person because another person had complained then I wanted the chance to have my say on the situation but if I was way off then to ignore me. She didn’t or hasn’t replied just yet but I feel some tensions in the group and it’s hard to find it enjoyable when there are such tensions present and as usual it it involves the same circle of people…so I left group just as stressed as when I went. Which sucks but it’s not going to be perfect when you have a group of people with mental health issues and or learning disabilities.

I was quite glad to get home to my happy pups and my kitty cats πŸ™‚ they are always happy and stress free. I took the pups across the road for half an hour to run about and play.

I had calmed down enough to ring the doctors back up and sort out another prescription to pick up tomorrow. I then had to go down to the chemist to stress to them NOT TO PICK UP THE PRESCRIPTION FOR MY SHARPS BOX! or I may just fucking explode! So fingers crossed for tomorrow and everyone does what they are meant to do and I should be coming home stress free with the RIGHT! sharps box.

Had myself some dinner, just did some little potatoes, beans and cheese πŸ™‚ filled a lil hole.

Spent the rest of this evening chilling, watching some films and taking hours to write this whole story out lol!

I am feeling very tired and my legs are really achy again today but I’m not as angry as I was this morning, just apprehensive about getting my sharps box sorted tomorrow but now use me stressing now because I now cannot control what happens tomorrow.

Going to take the pups out in a min and then get to bed. No solid plans for tomorrow but I could really just use a day to chill. But we shall see.

Peace out

Batman

This boy WILL win :)

Another good weekend πŸ™‚

Yesterday was good, I spent most of the morning sleeping off the Metoject, bloody thing wipes me out. But within an hour I managed to get up, showered and dressed and got myself and the pups ready to get the bus over the L’s.

Got over there and the pups were happy to see each other, it’s so sweet. We chilled out until it was time to drop boo off at his nan’s and meet her brother Joey and head off to see Jurassic World in 3D.

Jurassic World 3D was good, Harvey did fairly well to sit relatively still to watch it lol. The storyline was a bit weak but you see it to see the dinosaurs, the graphics were amazing, definitely worth seeing in 3D.

After the film, we picked up boo, walked back to L’s to see what destruction the pups…and by pups I really mean scrappy had done. But surprisingly he’d not eaten anything he wasn’t supposed too! so that was good and boy did he cry when he saw me lol, foxy was excited to see me but scrappy was like a little baby and cried! lol.

I stayed for a lil bit before heading home with the pups, I think I got home just gone 11 pm, took my meds and got into bed with the pups and pretty much went to sleep straight away. I’ve found that brown noise on the white noise app works the best!

I slept really well last night and even woke up at 9:40 am, which is the latest I’ve woke up all week! I had breakfast an hour later and went back to sleep until the afternoon.

I put together the smaller Batman Lego set, that only took an hour. Ah I LOVE Lego so much, it’s a total escape something I can fully concentrate on with my all πŸ™‚

After finding a place for my Lego, I put a load of washing on and cleaned up the flat, had a shower and got dressed. I then sat down with an ice cream, put the footie on England VS Slovenia Euro qualifier game and started my bigger Batman Lego set.

An hour and a half later and I had to stop for dinner and I’m glad I did because it was so yum and I was pretty proud of myself, I did gammon in Pepsi in the slow cooker, microwave chips and a poached egg which I have never done before and it turned out really nice, I ate the lot. I’ve got more gammon left over.

I continued to build my Lego, I watched The Secret World of Lego which was so amazing and Humans too which is just “them” preparing us for things to come. 4 hours later my Lego set was complete! YES! Feels great πŸ™‚ I put it in it’s new place in my bedroom. I’ve totally run out of space now..I need some shelves or something.

So yeah I’ve had another really good weekend and I’m feeling so good.

I see my psych tomorrow morning.. I don’t really know what to say to him, I mean most of it will be positive as I’ve done so so well on the lowered dose of quetiapine. I might talk to him about the ADHD and my diagnosis being that rather then bipolar and see what he thinks. I may even ask to be discharged as I really no longer need them and again see what he thinks. A bit nervous about it all but I’m sure it will be fine, it’s always a source of anxiety.

Saturday I got a letter stating that I have 21 days to re-home the pups due to various reasons, 1 being noise complaints..yeah from the neighbour that doesn’t like me! and it’s the first I’ve personally heard of it, oh and the 4 small bits of dog poop on the balcony when some guys came over to look at the balcony! I’d been ill for a few days and forgot they were coming over! Also she said in the letter she’d been trying to contact me all week but that’s total SHIT! I’ve had NO calls or missed calls or even a voicemail from them so that is a complete fabrication! So yeah I am TOTALLY pissed off, I WILL NOT LOSE MY PUPS. Luckily my psych did me a really good letter to them, so I am going to do a written reply because if I ring I know I will lose my cool, so writing will be a better way for me to get my point across calmly. I’ll sort that out tomorrow, I’m going to also see if my next door neighbour will either ring them or do me a letter to state that he has no issues of noise from the pups and he lives closer to me then the guy that actually made the complaints! I WILL win this! I am going to use my mental and physical health and the fact I am trans* to go in my favour. I shall post a copy of what I send to them so you guys can see too. This boy will NOT lose his babies.

Anyway’s I got a good week ahead of me and it’s only 2 weeks and 2 days till Harley can come home πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Another small step

Woohoo! πŸ™‚ Had some fab news today, so I’m feeling pretty good.

I had a bit of a slow start this morning and woke up at 10 am and considering I spent most of yesterday asleep I was surprised I woke up at that time, but I suppose I needed it.

I eventually got my butt out and went and got my haircut and now I’m looking like a real smart boy πŸ™‚

Got in, cleaned up a bit, had a shower. Chilled out a bit and had some lunch, caught up with online stuff.

I had a phone call from my GP and well the short story is that he’s booked me in to see him next week as he needs to do a full health check on me and I need a bunch of blood tests done before he can send my form off to the gender clinic πŸ™‚ so EEEEEK! so exciting! It’s another little step closer to where I want to be.

Because I’d spent all yesterday sleeping I felt bad for the pups so I took them out for a nice walk so they could let off some energy. Scrappy went for a swim and just generally being all crazy lol! Racing about like a crazy thing and foxy was flirting with other dogs lol. It was just really nice to be out enjoying the dogs and just being out.

Got home and chilled out for a bit and I felt like going to sleep lol, I think it was all the fresh sea air, the pups were tired too and flopped onto the sofa with me for a little bit. Had some dinner and got me and the pups ready to go out to go over to my brother’s place for the evening.

Had a good evening with my bro, his GF K and lil Leo. We played some good old 80’s games lol! connect 4, guess who and a pac man board game…which was pretty boring haha but it was funny. It was just a good evening πŸ™‚

I did my metoject injection in the top of my thigh this evening and now I’ve lost weight it’s so much easier to pinch my skin to inject into. Still freaking hurts though lol!

Oooh so my friend has taken her cat and kittens to the vets and the one that I am having is definitely a girl πŸ™‚ YAY! I’m so excited to get her! woohoo!

No solid plans tomorrow as of yet, I may see my bro and hang out or something. Whatever happens I’m going to try and make the most of it πŸ™‚

New haircut, I’m a handsome boy πŸ˜‰ lol

Peace out

Batman

Honeymoon period is over, I need to get on it

Ok so I haven’t really been present on here for a while for a number of reasons and the main reason is that I haven’t really been present in real life. I’ve just been going on, not really doing much of anything at all and I’ve spent a lot of time in my head.

I think the honeymoon period after coming out is over and the magnitude of the situation facing me has hit me.

I will have to prove myself to the people that have my transition in their hands, without their approval and if they do not think I am ready or whatever then my transition will not go ahead. I have to play the system a little bit in order to get what I want, like have to say the right things etc. It’s going to be a long hard road and I am under no illusion that it’s going to be easy. While I understand why it takes so long and why they do the things they do but it’s very long and I know that for some people its too long and they don’t make it sadly. I won’t become a statistic in that respect, I will get to the end of my transition and be the person I am inside, I’m up for this fight. I just know it’s gonna be hard.

I’ve spent most of my life proving myself for one thing or another to mainly doctors and psychiatrists. And I have to now prove myself to another lot of people, asking questions like explain why you think you are male….etc :/ how do I explain my gender without just using the gender stereotypes. Gah! I’ll cross that when I come to it and try not to freak out about it now.

I’ve been eating a bit better this week, so I haven’t been feeling so weak and dizzy all the time.

I’ve only really been attending my groups and group socials. I’ve been being lazy as fuck! basically, I can make loads of excuses for myself as to why I’ve been doing nothing, just sleeping, watching tv,doing nothing. The weekends are difficult because I feel so crap after my injections but that’s been made worse by not eating properly. So now I am, I hope the side effects won’t be so bad this weekend.

I need to really sort out getting back into some sort of routine, I need to just get out more, just do stuff! I need to get on top of bills, appointments, I need to see more friends, I need to stop hiding away because it really isn’t helping things. It’s compacting how I feel and making me feel how I did all those years ago pre DBT which is a feeling I don’t want any more. I totally know I am not doing enough to ensure my mental health is stable. I need to get my head out my ass and stop being a dick lol! basically is what I’m saying.

Also having a few issues with some people and I know that in order to maintain friendships and stuff I feel like I am the one carrying these friendships. I feel like the friendships I have aren’t 50/50 and I am the one to put in all the effort in, organising to meet, up texting to see how they are etc. So there are a few friendships where this is happening and I am going to be strong and stop with this behaviour and stop carrying these friendships because if they are as strong as I think they are they will last and the people concerned will hopefully pull their weight. It hurts as I’ve been trying to do this for a few days now and it is hard because I do feel like I am the bad person, but I know I’m not. I need to let it ride and see what happens. That’s my own issues with feeling alone, no friends etc..that goes back to being a kid when I was unpopular and had few friends. But I am not alone, I do have some healthy friendships that I am going to concentrate on for now. And being alone isn’t bad either, me time is good, just not every day. I’ve also been making great friends at my groups and I need to utilise that fact and begin to build friendships with my new friends πŸ™‚ and widen my friendship circle.

So all in all I need to just get back on in it, get out of my head and carry on πŸ™‚

I’m hopefully going to see my friend a bit later *fingers*crossed* I need to get out the flat.

Feeling a bit better for writing and working all this through.

Peace out

Batman

Blessed boy

Ooh well I haven’t been around for a few days.

I have some catching up to do, it’s been all good.

Fri I attended the Weymouth Mindout group and it was so great, I really enjoyed it. All the members liked me and a few asked if I was coming back as a volunteer, which I have said yes too. It’s only once a month and it’s a great group and think they would really benefit from my input and vica versa πŸ™‚ so excited. I have already emailed the relevant person so fingers crossed I hear something and get the job.

Just chilled out in the evening. I did spend sometime with the pups across the road for a bit, before I just had dinner and chilled out. Didn’t get to bed till late but I didn’t have anything to do the next day.

Yesterday was spent mostly snuggled on the sofa with the pups snoozing. That metoject always takes it out of me the next day and I wasn’t feeling too well anyway. My head hurt for most of the day too. But by the evening I felt a bit better and I was a social boy and went and met some of the ladies from my trans group. We had a drink, a chat and a good laugh πŸ™‚ I had some much fun and so glad I went out. Didn’t get back too late and was in bed just gone midnight πŸ™‚

Today has been really awesome, just chilled out this morning. I went to the shops to get food and drink to take out with me.

I have spent the day with my brother, sister-in-law, my nephew Leo and the pups. We went out to a river, it was so nice out there. Scrappy had fun swimming in the water and Foxy had fun watching him, they loved running around in and out of the bushes. We had a little drive about and stopped at a few other places and just pulled up to eat and dogs had a little run too.

After our walk we went back to my brothers and just chilled out. The pups were well tired lol. After lil Leo was in bed we watched a film called Blended and I actually liked it. I usually don’t like those sort of films but I really enjoyed it.

My bro dropped me home about 8:30 pm, I sorted my stuff out, put a load on to wash and tried to decide what I wanted to eat for dinner…..but I just don’t want anything. I’m really not hungry at all. I might have some cereal soon.

Tomorrow I have a hospital appointment for my chest, so that’s like a whole day trip. It takes an hour to get there on the bus, then I’ll probably be there for about an hour or so and then an hour back. So that’s pretty much ALL of my day tomorrow as my appointment is at 2 pm. Least I get to chill out in the morning.

Mood, anxiety, anger, compulsion and everything else related to having bipolar and ADHD has been really good. I just can’t believe that I am doing so well on such a low dose of quetiapine and I cannot wait to see how I go without it at all. It’s not been easy, I’ve been working so hard on looking after myself and utilizing every skill I learnt while doing DBT. But it has been so totally worth it! I feel so much better being on such a low dose, I’ve lost weight, I sleep better and I just feel much better and less drugged up all the time.

The only issue I am having at the moment is my appetite but it’s totally gone the other way now and I have no appetite and have to force myself to eat and when eating some things I just don’t want them in my mouth….like its really hard to eat and swallow. Gah, I don’t know what to eat at all, I’m not even craving anything which is unlike me. I’m hoping that this will just pass at some point but I am trying to force myself to eat just little and often at the least as I need to eat in order to keep well and keep going. I’m just trying not to stress too much about it and make it into a bigger issue, so it is what it is right now.

Anyway overall I am good, things are good πŸ™‚ and I have a good week ahead of me. I cannot WAIT until Fri when my best mate comes down to stay for a few days πŸ˜€ yay!

A few pics from today

Peace out

Batman

Happy re-birth day to me! :)

I am going to start by saying its a happy re-birth day to me (sounds like something from Alice in Wonderland lol) But I got my deed poll through today so I am now Mr πŸ™‚ this is a big step towards my journey.

Didn’t update yesterday because I felt unwell an just couldn’t be bothered.

Went to bed Thursday night, did my usual routine. I took the pups out for a wee, gave the cat some treats and took my meds.

I didn’t sleep a wink all fucking night!

Still managed to make it out with my friend and the pups. We took the pups down to the beach and had a nice walk. We then walked up the Flirt a cafe and had lunch and just chilled out. It was really nice and the pups enjoyed it. It tired out Scrappy, he fell asleep on my lap the whole bus trip home bless him.

We got home about 4:30 pm. I had some Pepsi and some cereal, then got into bed for 2 hours, just to rest. I don’t think I slept…maybe I was in and out of it.

Just spent the evening sat on the sofa feeling rather crap. But I was chatting to friends so that was nice and helping me to feel a bit better.

Eventually managed to take the pups out for a very quick wee. I went to take my meds…only to discover that Thursday nights meds were still in the med box….So that’s why I didn’t sleep! lol because I didn’t take my meds! I could have SWORN I did though…hmmm. Anyway’s took my meds, did my injection and got into bed with the pups. I watched tv for a little bit. Then fell asleep.

I slept right through last night until 8 am and my hip was killing where I’d woken up in the same position I’d fell asleep in lol, obviously didn’t move an inch all night, so that’s been sore all day today.

I felt better when I woke up, less sick and tired. Had some breakfast and watched some cartoons πŸ™‚ as you do. Snuggled up on the sofa with my babies and fell asleep till gone 1 pm. I definitely needed it πŸ™‚ and the weather is grotty today so didn’t fancy going anywhere.

Tided away bits and bobs and sorted out my paper work. Had a shower and got dressed…that took a while as I didn’t know what to wear lol. Ended up wearing my batman joggy bottoms, something nice and comfortable just to sit about in πŸ™‚

Took the pups across the road to play about for a bit. It was cold and miserable out BOO! I dropped then back and went to the shop and got myself a few nice bits of food πŸ™‚

Chilled out the rest of the day, had a little nap too. Had some dinner and yeah just been chilling out, playing on fb, chatting to friends and that.

Feeling pretty good today, nice and relaxed. I have my nephew tomorrow morning for a bit so that’s cool.

We lose an hour tonight as our clocks go forward. I’m just looking forward to it being lighter later, I love taking the pups out in the evening πŸ™‚

Physically doing ok, just tired still and really achy but that’s nothing new.

I am now a bit worried about completely coming off my meds… as they do help me sleep. As the quetiapine has a sedative effect. Yesterday I went down to 50 mgs so will see how my sleep is on that. But I do want to be off it completely as I shouldn’t really be relying on meds to help me sleep every night! That’s not good… I have my psych Mon so I’ll talk to him about my worries about that.

Β My babies chilling out in Flirt cafe πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Head cold…YUP sick AGAIN!

Today has been crappy again! I have a head cold…yeah sick AGAIN! Now there is a surprise…NOT! GAH. Everything hurts, my whole face, head and ears 😦

I felt crap last night and was in bed by 11 pm and pretty much asleep not long after. Exhausted after my metoject.

Slept a solid 11 hours, which I only usually do after the metoject. Woke up with this stinking head cold, my head feels more woolly then usual. Just totally exhausted despite the 11 hours of sleep.

I snuggled up on the sofa with the pups, had some breakfast and pain killers, I watched tv and I did end up sleeping again until gone midday.

Watched TV for a bit, just felt so fucking bored and restless but feeling so fucking ill too…argh hate this! Makes me feel agitated.

Eventually I got my butt into the shower, it took a while but I got cleaned and got dressed. Put the pups in the hallway and went down to the shop and treated myself to some sweets and a Lego set because I was bored and ill.

Came back and took the pups across the road for a run, we met a friend over there a guy with a dog called Rocky so the pups were chasing each other about which is funny to watch. I was chatting with this guy, his English isn’t very good so I don’t always get what he’s saying lol but I get the general jist.

Got back in with the pups, I couldn’t stay out too long because I was frozen! Couldn’t even decide what to watch on tv so just ended up watching the Simpsons, had some chocolate and put my Lego together.

Played with scrappy, playing fetch and tug πŸ™‚ he loves it. Foxy just watches us play lol and stays out of our boy play time.

Just sat about…chatting to friends online and stuff. Had myself a nice steak dinner πŸ™‚

Been doing my usual nightly things. Going to get to bed soon, I got to get up for the GP. Need to do a little list of things I need to say, even if I don’t show it writing it down helps me to remember.

Another day I feel low and unmotivated…but I think that maybe the exhaustion rather then depression…I think I am doing really well despite everything especially on a low dose of quetiapine. I am proud of myself for that.

It’s mothers day here. I did send her a card and she sent a text to thank me. But that was it. She’s not bothered with me since my birthday. She is far too busy sorting out her new life and new family with her new bf and his kids to be worried about me. She didn’t even bother to ask about my hospital appointment which she knew that was coming up. We aren’t close at all and I don’t expect any less from her. It still hurts though. I hate mothers day so much, all rammed down your throat that mums are so amazing and whatever but they fucking aren’t some fucking suck! My transition is going to happen regardless of whether or not she approves so yeah tough shit. GAH! needed to get that out.

Β Just saying

Peace out

Batman

I give up. Chronic illness sucks..

Don’t even know where to start tonight. Been sat crying tonight, it was either that or punch walls but I don’t want another broken finger.

I didn’t post yesterday because well I don’t think I had time. Only remember bits of what happened because right now I am tired and emotional and just beyond fed up.

Just looking through facebook for hints of what happened.. I know I didn’t get a late night on Sun. I did however spend most of Monday clucking because I had run out of tramadol again. Couldn’t get them till much later in the day.

I had little Leo Mon morning until lunch time. He was quite easy, we had cuddles, he had a little sleep. We took pups across the road and he was watching them. Sat on the sofa playing with his toys, fed him and he fell asleep again, until mummy picked him up. It was lovely to have him. Although I felt a bit crappy, it was a good distraction.

Think I had a nap…maybe I didn’t but most likely did. Just relaxed, played with pups and whatever. Had a early dinner, took pups out for a wee and got them settled in the hallway with their treats, toys and blankets. Got myself together and headed out to get my tramadol.

After picking up my tramadol I headed back into town to get the bus to breakfree my trans group. Group was really good, although my mania had kicked right in so I was on form. But it was good, shared my news and got some of my questions answered so that was really cool.

Did night time stuff…do up med box, took pups out etc. Was in bed by just before midnight but didn’t sleep until gone 1:30 am. I was too busy chatting to friends online but I did finally crash out.

So back to today…meh. I was up early about 8:30 am I think I had a sleep, but I can’t remember. I remember sorting out a shit load of things all at once. I ordered some dog food, I ordered my food shopping, I downloaded some music for my phone and I took a big step and I sorted out my new deed poll to change my title from Miss to Mr, so I am very excited about that and I cannot wait for it all to be sorted.

Fuck started to run out of time, so dashed to have a shower, took pups out for a quick wee and walk. Settled them in the hallway with all their bits. Got my stuff together and headed out.

Took just over an hour to get to my appointment. When I left my appointment I just wanted to cry. It was fucking shit. This is why….

1st the bloods that show how active the gpa is. Is negative. My inflammation levels are still high, but lower then they were.
Explained how ill I’ve been so far this winter. He just said well you are just prone to sinus and chest problems. So he may as well have said tough shit get on with it
Talked about my pain and my tramadol use. Didn’t say I’m physically addicted, I’m not stupid. He in December told me to take them moreregularly to keep on top of the pain. Today he said I need to limit my use of them. I’m yeah ok…. I’m still in pain even though I take then regularly
He’s slowly upping the metoject to max dose. After already telling him that the injection can wipe me out for days. So upping it will make the fatigue much more worse!
So no action answers and just the attitude of just get on with it oh and limit the pain meds, so I’ll be in agony and really ill. So tough shit! He just isn’t doing enough and seems not to even care about the pain I am in or my quality of life, which right now is very poor.

Took me two hours to get home. I got in just before 7 pm, I had left at 2:15 pm! I fucking hate that trip let at the best of times let alone to be fucking let so angry.

At least the pups were happy to see me. I sorted myself out and took the pups across the road for 20 mins. I feel bad when I have to leave them for so long.

Pretty much been sat on the laptop since just before 8 pm. It is now 10 pm and I shall be going to bed very soon.

I feel beaten down, not listened too, not cared about, just everything negative. I just totally give in.

Tomorrow the plan is to clean up in the morning and then spend the day with my friend who is off due to a really bad back bless her, so the pups and I are off over to hang out πŸ™‚

Meh I can’t write anymore. Feeling so low.

Peace out

Batman