LIFE IN LOCKDOWN..CONT

This feels like a never ending saga… Although things are starting to slowly get back to normal-ish. More places are starting to open and you’re allowed to travel a bit more and the level has been lowered to 3.. which I’m unsure of the exact do’s and don’ts but for me I am meant to be isolating now till the end of this month, although that could change. It’s just a case of waiting to see what happens next, I do think a second wave is inevitable as that’s just how a virus works.

For me I don’t feel quite comfortable going to any shops in town just yet, although I will have to go to primark at some point at I have one pair of shorts and the ones I’ve seen in Asda either don’t feel right or just aren’t my style. I’m also feeling quite anxious about using public transport, luckily at the moment I don’t have to go anywhere, despite bursting to take the dogs out for the day somewhere, I think for me right now the risks still outweighs the wants. Plus I need a mask which I don’t have and don’t feel comfortable wearing due to not being able to breathe properly. I think I’d feel to claustrophobic wearing a mask, especially on the bus. So for now, I’m staying local..which is boring AF but I got to keep safe.

I wish I could say I was coping better with this lockdown life, but sadly I can’t. I’m still really struggling, my depression is pretty bad, anxiety is bad and the disassociation is really crippling.

I decided that today I was going to try my best to actually participate and engage in life, rather then the disassociation take over and its been extremely exhausting trying to stay present and in the moment. But I’ve been able to get things done that have just been impossible to do in the last few weeks.

Most days I am so disconnected, disassociated and switched off that all I can do is sleep, eat snacks as cooking has just been too difficult and walk the dogs. I haven’t even been able to really watch anything either, I’ve just been watching things I don’t have to concentrate on, things I’ve seen a million times as its kind of comforting and eases my anxiety. There’s a few new seasons of shows I love on netflix that I’m bursting to watch, but for some reason I can’t start them. I feel too anxious, I know it makes no sense. I’m not really enjoying doing anything either, I just feel so numb, I can’t remember the last time I actually felt something other then feeling so numb and just nothing. I feel like most days I’m just going through the motions, just to get through another day of monotony.

I struggle to even start a task, it takes forever to do the basics, as I’m so trapped my anxiety and fighting to stay in the moment that I spend a lot of time sitting down trying to motivate myself enough to unfreeze and move. Its such a battle every day just to do the simplest of things and its so exhausting. I’m meant to be taking my blood pressure every day, but I’ve been unable to do that, as I just don’t remember and for some reason it feels like an overwhelming task, even though its so simple.

I’m just trapped inside my head all by myself all the time and my head is such a dark place to be but I’m stuck there. I need outside stimulation and interaction, I need outside help. But it’s just not there right now.

I’m so withdrawn from life, that I just don’t reach out anymore, I just can’t bring myself to it. I’ve kinda resided to the fact that this is life now, just on my own, loneliness forever. I’m not ok with that but I’m too tired to keep trying to insert myself into people’s lives.

Even when I’m out with the dogs and people talk to me, I keep stumbling over my words, I feel super awkward and incredibly anxious. I love being out with the dogs but I hate being seen, I just want to walk and chill on my own, which just isn’t me at all. I usually love talking to random strangers but now it just makes me feel so vulnerable and awkward I really don’t enjoy it and I wish I didn’t feel this way as I am quite a social person usually. But my anxiety is so strong and the constant negative thoughts is making everything impossible.

I’m kind of dreading everything getting back to normal, I can see myself keeping myself very withdrawn and isolated, it feels a bit scary getting back to normal. I don’t know how I’m going to get myself back out there into society, just thinking about it freaks me out. I’m not agoraphobic but the thought have having to go a bit further a field, like say to a hospital app is terrifying. Not just getting public transport but also interacting with others and also being able to organise myself enough to get myself somewhere on time. This lockdown has had a huge negative impact on my mental health and its not something that I’ll be able to easily fix.

I’ve had very little sleep today, under 4 hours I think. I got up early and did the house work and made some breakfast and I was out just before 10 am, I took the dogs for a walk and sat down where we scattered dad’s ashes which was nice and peaceful. Spoke to him and wished him a Happy Fathers Day, something I do every year. After our walk I had some lunch and watched and film, then jumped onto the laptop while my brain was still engaged in real life and I’ve been sat here for about 4 hours now. I feel a bit better for blogging and getting stuff out, I’m bloody exhausted now. I’m going to try and get an earlier night.

A couple of weeks ago I decided for my own mental health and sanity to cut ties with my ex completely, which meant deleting messages, blocking on FB and burning the break up letter they gave, which wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be. I couldn’t keep tormenting myself and I felt like I was still holding on, waiting, hoping that maybe I’d be wanted again. I didn’t really want to remain friends in the first place, it’s what they wanted and rather then be strong and stand up for myself I just went along with it. But I can’t heal from the situation whilst stuck in it and still wishing and hoping we’d get back together. I kept thinking I was over it but its still just as painful as when we broke up. I hate feeling so deeply, cuz sure as hell they don’t miss me or were even hurt by the break up, even if they did they didn’t show it. But why would they be hurt, I mean its only me right. Not speaking to them is so painful but being friends was painful, I can’t win.

Man, writing all this shit out makes me feel so broken.. no wonder I’m alone! lol who the fuck wants to take me and all my baggage on?! I don’t even want me.. Maybe this will always be the way, maybe one day I’ll find the light in all this darkness.

Peace out

Zak

Mindful Sunday

So the week has come to an end once again and it’s been an interesting week, a bit up and down and all over the place. But The main thing is I got through it with the help of my beautiful pups and the use of my DBT skills.

I slept ok-ish last night and woke up briefly quite early this morning but managed to get back to sleep until a reasonable hour.

Just chilled out this morning, playing with the pups and watching cartoons.

The weather was once again that of a winters day…in the middle of July! So I threw on some joggy bottoms and a hoodie and took the pups out so they could pee and poop, although foxy wasn’t impressed with the rain lol.

I a little bit got myself some more Lego, another 3in1 set so I spent some time making them this afternoon which was cool. Spent some time playing with all the animals 🙂 which was fun. Just chilled out watching tv and relaxing.

The weather cleared up so I took the pups for a walk, we ended up at Baiter just where I scattered my dad, I didn’t walk any further though. Even though it was cold scrappy still went in for a swim lol, he’s so crazy! Foxy was just happy running about saying hello to everyone and other pups. I walked a different way home and there was one point I wasn’t quite sure where I was, as I had walked through the houses but I managed to find my way and got home.

When I got in I sorted through some drawers and stuff, threw some junk out and moved stuff about. Feel better for it 🙂

Had myself some dinner and watched a film, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It’s such a top film, it’s fucking hilarious!

Thought I would get my blog done early tonight so I can spend more time playing with my Lego and I might colour in another manadal mindfully 🙂 just to end the week and start a new week totally relaxed and in a good place.

I got a few bits to do tomorrow, I have to wait in for my shower stool and I am hoping that comes in the morning.. but we shall see. I do need to pop up to the doctors for my sharps box, gotta do the housework and stuff. I am also starting my new regime I suppose you can call it where I’m going to start and end the day with a glass of water and 5 mins of mindfulness. I don’t drink nearly enough water so I want to get into a better habit of drinking it and I think if I start the day with a bit of mindfulness it will set me up for the day and if I’ve had a stressful day then it can help me unwind 🙂 so fingers crossed it will make a bit of difference to my life.

That’s it for now,

Peace out

Batman

Granulomatosis polyangiitis worries

I haven’t posted again for a while but I’ve been really busy so when it comes to sit and write, I just want to go to sleep. I am really tired this evening, but I can sleep in tomorrow.

Monday would have been my dads 55th birthday, so I did take a moment to think about all the good times with him. I spent all day sleeping, I needed to catch up. I did go out to the trans* group social in the evening, just to get out for a bit. That was nice 🙂

Tuesday was so busy, I saw the hand therapist in the morning because my knuckle was/is popping out of the joint when I move it, so she referred me to the hand surgeon as she wasn’t sure what the issue is. I then had two hours to wrap birthday presents for Harvey and chill before heading out to see Jackie to do my DBS form for my volunteer work and that went well and hopefully we filled it out properly so it won’t take too long to come back. I met L and the boys after and gave Harvey his presents which he liked…well I think its hard to tell with him lol. I took them to town to the 6D cinema and burger king 🙂 which was nice and we had so much fun. C text me to see if I was up for coming over and as I was in the area I popped over for a bit, so that was nice to see her.

Wednesday, L and boo came over after the school run and my bro came over with Leo and that was really nice. My bro dropped me up to the hospital for my appointment and that went well, he said I’ve over stretched the tendon and apparently because I am hyper mobile all my other knuckles do the same pop out, its just where the tendon is sore I can feel it more if that makes sense, but hopefully it will heal ok, I’ve got 2 more weeks of the splints. I met L in town for a little before she had to go get the boy from school and I had to go get a clothes airer as the legs fell off mine and wouldn’t stand up lol! I was so tired when I got in I napped for 2 hours… :/ and woke up at 7 pm, I just couldn’t stay awake any longer, I just snuggled up with the pups and I was out and I was back into bed just gone midnight.

Today again has been really busy, I had a chilled morning. My friend sent me a box of treats for the dogs and Marley and a few bits for me too 😀 they got loads of toys and treats, she’s way too kind to us bless her. But it did make my day and make me smile lots. My bro and Leo popped over 🙂 to hang out while I got myself ready an took the pups out for a run. We went to Asda to have a look and pick up a few bits and bobs that he needed, he then dropped me to group. We were a bit early so we sat in the car for a bit and chatted to kill a bit of time.

Group today was good, well for the most part. I struggle to listen when people are checking in especially if they don’t put the story in a nut shell and have to tell you every little detail of everything.. I’m trying to listen and tolerate it and be kind etc but when you have limited time and sometimes not everyone that needs it gets the times they need but others do, its difficult. I suppose I feel bad if someone gets left out by accident or doesn’t get out what they need to say, or doesn’t get the support they need because others are taking up the time. But I know this is something that is difficult to get a good system in place. I also try not to show the boredom on my face too because I know sometimes that I can look visibly bored, I try to be mindful and to stay in the room and just be respectful but it’s difficult.

After group I met up with JJ for a few hours, which was really cool. He was just down for 2 days, so just a flying visit. I took him to the 6D cinema, we just chilled and chatted and stuff, so yeah it was good to see him 🙂

I got home to two very happy puppies and a happy kitty, it was really nice out still so I decided to take the pups for a walk. I did sit down for a bit and relax, took my pain meds and got the pups stuff ready and we headed out for about just over and hour I think. It was so nice out there and we came across a fair few jellyfish that had washed up, scrappy doodle was in and out of the water swimming away and foxy was just following me about. We chatted to some lovely people and the pups played with other pups, I just love being out by the sea with my babies. I could just stay out there forever.

When we got in we all just flopped onto the sofa and non of us have moved since lol! Pups are fast asleep and have been since we got home, I felt like just going to sleep too. But I’ve been catching up on emails and stuff on the laptop. I’ll be off to bed after this is posted though.

I downloaded a white noise app the other day to help me sleep and it’s been really good. It’s helped me get to sleep much quicker and stay asleep longer and it’s better then falling asleep with the tv on. Its called white noise free on android and you can download different sounds for free too. My favourite is called sleep fan, I also like beach and water sounds. I’ve been trying different ones out to see which helps the best but so far the sleep fan is the best, there’s still loads to try 🙂

Even though I’ve been keeping myself busy and just getting out and trying to do as much as I can, I’ve been pushing through and ignoring my joint pain and the urge to just sleep all the time. The pain from my lower back and hips downwards for the last few months has begun to be unbearable, sometimes just walking across the road to take the dogs out just tires me right out and causes so much pain. The tramadol is no longer even taking the edge off, I ache and hurt all day every day and I am just exhausted all the time, like I just want to sleep and at least one day in the last few weeks all I have done is catch up on sleep for the entire day. I’m really worried that things are going down hill and that maybe I’m going to need extra assistance..and I can’t even write it down because if I think it then it may become true. I am still waiting to see the new specialist so I am in a bit of a limbo as to whether do I wait or do I see my gp, I just know I can’t keep going on like this, small tasks seem HUGE but while I can I really want to make the most of things. I’m worried I’ll lose my independence… So yeah things are rough with my health and I don’t really know what to do and I don’t really feel supported with it.

Wow it’s late now, so I’ll wrap up. I still need to take the pups for a wee before we can all go to bed. Both are still snoozing, scrappy is snoring away and foxy is dreaming 🙂 ❤

Peace out

Batman

We had snow! Yay! :)

Starting this a bit earlier this evening. I want to be in bed before midnight…that’s the plan anyway.

I didn’t manage to get to bed until 2:30 am an it had started to snow 🙂 Eeek I was so excited, but really tired lol, so didn’t take long to fall asleep.

Woke up at 9 am and totally forgotten that I’d seen it start to snow lol! I was still a bit sleepy and I let scrappy out for a pee, then I had the sudden realisation that OMG IT SNOWED! WOOHOO! It wasn’t a huge amount at all, but still exciting.

I was too excited to remember to eat lol, so I quickly got showered and dressed and took the pups across the road to show them the snow. I knew the snow wouldn’t last all day, so I wanted to make the most of it. First thing scrappy did was to lick it lol! I was throwing snowballs at him and he was SO confused! he was expecting to catch it I think..hehe, he was looking for it, so sweet and so funny. Foxy however wasn’t so impressed as it was cold and wet an she just wanted to be a home hehe, but with some encouragement she was soon chasing scrappy boy about.

I was out with the pups for as long as I could stand, it was pretty chilly even though I was all wrapped up and poor foxy needed to get into the warm too.

Decided I needed to treat myself today and I went to go see Big Hero 6 in 3D, I had a complimentary ticket to use 🙂 got myself some popcorn and Pepsi and went and sat down. I was the only person in there hehe, I think it was because it was a 12 pm showing at its a kids film. But fuck it, loved every min of it. Such a great film, the usual Disney tear jerker moments too lol.

After the film, I went to the shop and got myself some lucky charms as a treat. I a little bit ate my two boxes in a week 😀 but whatever I’ve still lost weight. Got the bus home and yeah the snow had all gone..its meant to snow more this week. Went to the sweet shop to see how S and her big bubba bump is doing, ended up chatting for a while. I went into another shop and got scrappy a new indoor ball, as I popped his by accident :/ but now he has a nice shiny new one.

Got home and no pee or poop! Woohoo, not much mess either as I’d put everything up out of his way. However he had pulled more fluff out of his bloody bed, so I’ve decided to throw it! He’s destroyed it lol. Pups were so excited to see me hehe, love their little faces. I got them ready and took them out for a quick wee and run, the temp is dropping and it was starting to get cold, I was really starting to feel it.

I threw scrappy’s ball away..the one I popped. His face was great! As if to say why are you throwing that away 😦 he was so sad haha. Then gave him his new ball and he was SO happy, started bouncing about. So we played a little. To see him go from looking sad to looking so so happy was so sweet, he’s so full of character, so full of soul. He’s amazing. My poor little fox was shivering, the flat was a bit chilly. So I snuggled her up in her blanket and she soon settled and went to sleep, she’s such a gentle soul, so sensitive, so sweet. Makes my heart melt. I couldn’t imagine life without them. I miss them when I go out for a few hours lol.

Just relaxed on the sofa for a bit, warmed up…well tried. My mind was busy…I was thinking of what needed to be done, in what order I need to do it, what I’m doing tomorrow etc…went into overdrive. In the end I got up and started cleaning up, first I started in the bedroom, stripped the bed and put on new sheets, got out new pjs and tidied up the bottom of my wardrobe….as things just end up on the floor in there lol! So my bedroom is all nice and ready for bed time 🙂 Oh and sprayed my lavender bedtime spray all over my bed, eeek can’t wait for bed now. Cleaned up the kitchen, did 2 loads of laundry, cleaned up the lounge, sorted out the litter box…yeah BOOM! sorted. Oh and in between doing all that I made some pasta and mixed it with mayo, tuna and sweetcorn and had a bit of that for dinner.

Been chilling this evening, literally! It’s cold in here lol. Face is still red, blotchy and itchy..so annoying. Booked a gp app for Fri morning, to sort out getting slow release tramadol and if my face is still itching…and to see if there is another contraceptive pill I can take that won’t give me migraines.

Plan for tonight…well its now 11 pm, so after I’ve published today’s mega exciting blog, I am going to take the pups for a wee, come back and have a nice fresh shower before getting into fresh pjs and bed sheets. Ah best way.

My plan for tomorrow…I don’t have one as of yet. Depends on my mood, weather etc. So we’ll see how it turns out.

My mood has crashed this evening 😦 Not sure why…….but hey I gotta deal and roll with it. Need to try and relax and stop being so hyper aware of my mood, just the slightest mood change and I’m freaking…mindful…mindful…relax!

Snow pictures from this morning

Peace out

Batman

Tired, low, lonely boy :/

It’s Friday….yay…. :/

I’ve had a headache all day and its not been gone for very long.

Pain has been ok-ish. Just felt uncomfortable really today.

Haven’t been able to keep warm, this evening I am so cold. Earlier today I felt like I was in a cold sweat which is horrible.

Mood has been pretty low today 😦 zero motivation, no appetite, not even the slightest…forced food down me today.

Spent most of the day on the sofa either asleep or feeling agitated and low.

I managed to get up showered and dressed by about 2:30 pm. Good job really seeing as I actually needed to go further then just across the road to take the pups to the vets…my only motivation to do anything.

Pups are both in good health and both at the same weight as last time. Just had their flea treatment. I have some granules to give scrappy as the worming tablet he had last time didn’t agree with him, so she gave me some food to mix the granules into and hopefully he’ll eat it all and keep it all down *fingers*crossed* But she said to give it to him at the weekend because of having the flea treatment today.

Dropped the pups home and I went back out to the chemist to pick up my medication. I don’t like to leave the pups outside shops, so I always take them home first. Round here lately a lot of dogs have been stolen, even right in front of the owners 😦 so I’d never risk it. But anyway yeah I think they forgot the one medication I am owing from when I put my prescription Monday…but I don’t need that yet, so I’ll sort it out in the week.

Got in….eventually got round to sorting my dinner out even though I had a nice beef joint in the slow cooker. Did some roast potatoes and veg. Sat down to eat and I really didn’t want it 😦 ate a bit, but gave most to the pups so least it didn’t go to waste. I’m sat here and I am hungry. But I don’t want to eat. I don’t feel hungry, but my stomach feels hungry if that makes any sense at all lol :/ meh. I was doing well with eating better. But last few days I’ve just not been interested. Maybe it’s linked to the low mood.

So sat here thinking about my low mood. Freaking out a bit because of my plan to come off medication…I HAVE to cope with this well or it will go tits up. I think though I’ve had a lot to deal with physically, so that really hasn’t helped. And its ok for my mood to change. Think maybe sometimes I am hyper aware of my mood change, because I want them to stay within the normal range and not go too low or too high. But its ok to feel low I know that. I need to relax, just go with it and try and do things that make me happy rather then laying on the sofa all day because that will feed the depression.

I have no plan as of yet tomorrow, but I have a few ideas. I’ve not got anything out for dinner as I don’t want to cook something that I am just going to waste. I do really need to clean up a bit tomorrow, so I’ll do that in the morning. Then I have a few ideas for the day, if its not too cold or horrible out, I may take the dogs on the bus and down to the beach for a nice run and maybe take them up to the cafe to warm up after. The other idea is to go see a film, I still have my free ticket to see a 3D film, I really want to see Big Hero 6….well looks like that is the only 3D film out and the only one I actually want to see lol. So all depends on the weather and how my joints are feeling. But I will really try hard to have some sort of structure to my day.

Everyone says I am so strong to deal with all I do. I know I am. But its times like this I feel so alone. I spend a lot of time just me and the pups, but I don’t mind that. But when I feel this low I notice the absence of my friends in my life more. I understand everyone is busy and has their own life, but no one has initiated contact with me this past week and a bit and that hurts…I will own how I feel and say I feel that sometimes I am always the one to contact my friends make arrangements or whatever…or I feel that sometimes I am there only when I am needed :/ I dunno, feeling a bit let down I suppose, but feeling low is making it worse. Look whatever. I am the only one that can get myself through this dip. So I gotta try and be good to myself.

I better do my injection very soon and get myself to bed :/ I’ll try and make tomorrow a better day

Peace out

Batman

Sleep, Lego and sweets

I didn’t get to bed until 4:30 am, it was just messing about.

This happened while we went for a walk before bed

I swear down scrappy thinks he’s a bloody lion. We were out walking around our usual route and he spotted something, kept growling etc, kept telling him to leave and be quiet as it’s early hours and I couldn’t see what he was making a fuss about. So we walk round a bit further up, look around to see where they both are, foxy was behind me and scrappy had wandered off into the tree’s. Seconds later he comes darting across the green chasing a bloody fox! Wtf lol. He actually chased away a fully grown fox. My boy is insane.

Woke up 4 hours later! Yeah thanks body lol. Snuggled up on the sofa with the pups, with a can of Pepsi and some lucky charms for breakfast 🙂 yum.

Fell asleep on the sofa until about 12:30 pm, so least I caught up. Just chilled for a bit, then had a BURST of energy so jumped in the shower and got myself dressed into my comfy batman joggy bottoms again lol. Got the pups ready and we went across the road and had a run about for half hour 🙂 well they ran I walked. It was really lovely out today, wish I felt well enough to take them for a proper walk.

Foxy won dog of the day on a facebook group called I love my Yorkie, I mean she should because she is utterly gorgeous 🙂 Made my day! Felt so proud when I saw it.

I got all settled on the sofa, Pepsi, sweets, crap tv and my Lego set 😀 Yeah my afternoon sorted. Took me nearly 2 hours to put together, which compared to my last set was a piece of cake! Love putting it together so much. Keeps me so focused, not many things I can solidly focus on without a break. I love writing, but sometimes I can take hours to write my blog. Because I get up and down, get lost in my head, watch tv, eat, play with the dogs lol. It takes a lot for me to concentrate, that’s why I love my lego so much because with that I can be truly mindful and totally in the moment. Which feels great and I have something to show for it as well. So yeah 🙂

After that I sorted out the big pile of washing up that was stacked up waiting to be done lol. Gah I hate cleaning up so much lol, but it was done and I got my dinner on. I had a nice steak, roast veg, roast potatoes and onion gravy YUM!

Just been relaxing this evening. I am feeling a little better but I’m still really chesty. I have an appointment to see my GP in the morning, then I am going to see Into the Woods in the afternoon and then just chilling out in the evening.

I’m not feeling as down today, but I have made sure I’ve properly looked after myself today. Just gotta roll with it.

My beautiful babies this afternoon getting ready to go across the road for a run 🙂

Peace out

Batman

Quiet, calm, mindful place….ah this is my bliss

To start with I am sat with just my laptop on, only this tab and another tab for youtube up. Phone and TV is OFF!

Feeling really irritable this evening….I’m not sure why. Usually I multi-task while I’m writing and I’ll be on FB, chatting with peeps through snapchat and whatsapp…have the tv on…GAH NO! I just can’t be doing with that tonight.

Just listening and watching some of Sia’s video’s. I love her music so much. Breathe me is my all time favourite for lyrics. Chandelier is my favourite video, really wish I could express myself through dance like that, so beautiful. #siabreatheme

I felt ok when I woke up this morning, although I did wake up at 8 am because of the stupid noise from the work they are doing near me! All day that stupid noise went on. I tried to get back to sleep for a bit…But ended up just resting instead.

Eventually got off my butt, got showered and dressed. Just managed to get it together before I had to leave to take scrappy to the groomers.

Scrappy had a good time at the groomers, although she said he was scared of the hairdryer lol. But he smells much better and looks a bit less scruffy now, bless him. While I was waiting for him I went to the pet shop that’s near and got him some treats that contain charcoal which are all natural treats and will be good to give him when he’s got a poorly tummy.

We got home about 2:30 pm. Watched TV for a bit, then decided I was going to make the special dog cupcakes I bought for fox, but had to nip to Asda to get vegetable oil as I only had olive oil…probably would have been the same…but didn’t want to risk it. But anyway I made them and they turned out great, they actually smelt nice as well emoticon smile

Relaxed for a bit, I think this is when I was starting to feel irritable. So I got up, put the washing away, sorted out my veg for my dinner, washed up etc, generally just pottered about. Was feeling restless.

Dinner was lovely, although I struggled to eat tonight. But I was hungry…gah I hope my appetite isn’t changing again. But I will persist with eating properly!

Spent some of this evening doing my usual thing. But I’m feeling restless. I feel too ill and tired to anything energetic. I don’t know how to focus this feeling. I may just go to bed. At least there I can be in the dark, the quiet and lay feeling comfortable and in little pain..There is much to be said about taking pain meds and being peaceful. Such bliss.

I am craving more to be in a peaceful, quiet, calm, mindful place. Noise from my mind, the tv, fb, my phone. Is just too much. I need a break. I’ve taken that.

Hoping my mood will have lifted again by the morning. I’m not sure what my mind is playing at today.

Just thinking about laying in bed in the quiet is ah just pure bliss. That is where I am headed after this.

Night all. May you find your quiet place. Your mindful place. Your bliss ❤

Peace out

Batman

Chilled out Sunday

Yay little man slept right through till 8 am 🙂

Came into the lounge changed his butt. I just chilled out on the sofa while boo played with the pups. Watched spongebob and gave boo some breakfast.

He just ran about playing all morning, I was throwing him about and chasing him around lol. He loved it, pups did too. Albie and scrappy were playing fetch, its so cute.

Boo was starting to get a bit grumpy and was starting to be naughty, so I put him down for a nap. He went straight down, so I think he was tired. I snuggled up on the sofa with the pups as I was feeling tired. I woke up at 1:30 pm and boo was still sleeping! I was awake for a little, then I fell back to sleep until 2:15pm when I heard boo crying. I went in but he wasn’t really awake, he was crying, but he still had his eyes closed. But as the time was getting on, I thought I’d better get him up or he’ll never sleep tonight. We had cuddles on the sofa for a bit while he woke up properly. Then he was pointing that he wanted to go in the high chair, so stuck him in and gave him some lunch, so I jumped in the shower and got dressed.

Got boo all wrapped up ready to take pups out for a wee. Got the pups ready. We headed out and it wasn’t as cold as it looked. Walked around the small green a few times, to give the pups a good run and get Albie some fresh air. Albie loves watching the pups run about, he was sat there laughing and hanging out his push chair just to see them, its so cute.

We came back and did the same as we did this morning lol, just playing about, playing with the pups and watching tv. Just being in the moment with myself, the pups and another little human is just the best feeling in the world. I wasn’t worried about what is going to happen tomorrow, I wasn’t worried about a stupid thing I may have said a few days ago…Or whatever. I was just happy just chilling and playing about. Being in the moment, being mindful makes me happy.

At just after 5 pm, lil man was getting grouchy as he was hungry. So I gave him some cheesy biscuits while I was sorting out his dinner. He had the same as yesterday so all I had to do was microwave it. Just before it was ready I stripped him down to his nappy, so he could get really messy without messing up his clothes. It was finally ready lol and he gobbled it all up, like a whole adult portion. He ate the lot! and then I asked him if he wanted more biscuits and he starting shouting at me..so yeah he wanted more lol! Gave him some, but he didn’t eat it all. He did sit there throwing them about. I did him a bath, put the heating on in the bedroom and got his pj’s and a nappy ready for after the bath. Cleaned him off a bit, so I didn’t get myself covered in his dinner and put him in the bath and washed him off, then let him just splash about. He didn’t want to get out again lol. But got him out and he screamed lol.

Got him dried and dressed, he was tired and a bit grumpy. But I let him run about till half 7 pm so he was really tired when I put him down. We had cuddles on the sofa before I put him down, which was nice. Snuggled him up in bed and came into the lounge. He cried for a little bit, so I put my dinner on. I did have to go in to settle him, but that was it.

I had a nice dinner, chicken breast with the cheesy mash and roast veg that I had left over from yesterday. With onion gravy. It was so nice and ate the lot 🙂

Just been relaxing this evening. Both pups have been sleeping lol. I think boo wore them out. Been eating my gingerbread biscuits 🙂 yum.

Lil man has woken up a few times, coughing and crying. I’ve gone in and he’s not actually been awake. Still sleeping, so I just covered him back up with blankets and left him. I am hoping this isn’t the sign of what tonight is going to be like lol! Fingers crossed he will sleep well for me.

Feeling good today. Happy and relaxed 🙂 Cannot wait for group on Thursday. I’ve really missed it, makes me smile just thinking about it. The trans group isn’t back till the 12th as R who runs it has the flu, otherwise it would have been tomorrow evening.

Physically I am feeling a bit better. Not coughing up as much crap now. Keep tensing my though, but I think that’s where I am taking my pain meds on a semi-regular basis, so when I need more I think that’s where the tense jaw comes from.

Plan tomorrow is to chill in the morning. Taking boo home for about 4 pm and I’m going to look after the boy’s while L goes down the road to pick up a washing machine. The tomorrow evening I will be relaxing. So yeah all good.

Peace out

Batman ❤

FOOD!

OMG will my cravings ever STOP! lol. Can’t seem to stop gorging…only wish I was able to purge! but alas I HATE being sick! and my IBS has been playing up a treat this week so no help needed there atm. Main cravings are chocolate (which is unusual for me as I am not a massive chocolate fan) cheese and bread! It’s so fucking frustrating, as much as I am working out, its just maintaining my weight as I am eating WAY! too much. Least I can fucking own it! I know where I am going wrong. But I am on 2 meds that do NOT help! and I think coming off the pill hasn’t helped either. I need to get more focused and be much more mindful of what is going on my fucking fat mouth! Deffo going to start tomorrow! I need to shift this weight for my health and for my own self confidence. I mean my p-doc weighed me and he was like well you are over weight but not obese! Yeah cheers for the reminder lol! 

So yesterday was foxy’s 2nd bday. I think she had a good day. I woke up, cleaned the flat as it was a total fucking PIT! had a shower and got dressed. I didn’t want to spend too much time out as I worked last night. So foxy and I got a taxi to the pet shop, I got her a new hoodie, some treats and I bought them all a water fountain 🙂 Got a taxi back. Set up the water fountain, gave all the animals some treats, totally spoiled them all. I then spent to afternoon resting, watching CSI and I think I had a little sleep too. I took foxy out for a wee. Had my dinner and got my stuff together for work and headed out. I was a bit early again. Always hard trying to get the timing right.

Work was fun 🙂 made Chinese lanterns and yeah just over all good night. 

Got bad and took a while to wind down. Ended up going to the shop to get bits to make hunters chicken. Didn’t get to bed till about 2 am. But I fell asleep pretty much straight away, which is cool. At the moment the lower dose doesn’t seem to be effecting my sleep.

Didn’t wake up till gone 11 am and it took me ages to come round! Just sat on the sofa in a bit of a daze feeling like CRAP! I sorted out dinner and left it to cook. Put on a load of washing. I had a shower, got dressed and took foxy out for a wee… cold fucking sweats is not nice! Decided to drop foxy and go into town and treat myself. I came back with jeans, a top, boxers and a new lego batman set 😀 BOOM! 

(gah taking me ages to write this…. keep getting distracted and my tummy is playing up)

Spent this evening, trying to relax and watch CSI. I had dinner and it was really nice, but it was quite sweet, even for me. Downloaded Skylar Grey’s album, so glad she’s brought one out! 🙂

Feeling good mentally. But I feel like crap physically, I keep getting cold and hot sweats, I ache all over, my chest is sore, I’m more tired and snotty then usual… *sigh* I rang the docs… the nurse isn’t in this week and my GP is full… AWESOME! So I’ve got to ring 1st thing to try and get an appointment. But I am busy tomorrow so will have to be Friday.

Got a tattoo session tomorrow 😀 an hour on my back and getting a shooting star behind my ear! cannot wait! totally need it 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl