lockdown life

I am writing this from my new desk and chair! no more sitting uncomfortably on the sofa while writing. Hopefully this will give me the incentive to sit and write more often, although my crippling anxiety and disassociation likes to keep me frozen in one spot but hey, well see how it goes.

I’ve wanted a desk and chair for a long time but to me its never really been a priority, always something I put off and figured at some point I would get them. But here we are, finally able to get my shit together and get stuff I want and need and that will benefit me in the long run.

Lockdown has been good for the fact I’ve been able to save up for certain stuff I’ve wanted/needed, as usually I’m not the best at managing money, I’m not great at forward planning with money either. But without the distractions of life and getting caught up in everything, I’ve been able to focus a bit better on my needs/wants all be it in a material way but its that’s not always a bad thing.

There’s a lot in the flat that I would like to update, like the whole place needs redecorating, I would like a bigger fridge/freezer as mine is quite small, especially the freezer. I need a new mattress as well, so that is the more pressing one as mine is over 10 years old now and isn’t as comfortable as it once was.

Whilst I have and am struggling with certain aspects of lockdown and what feels like total isolation from the rest of the world, I have been able to focus more on certain things, that I was always putting off or too distracted or just thought I couldn’t do on my own. Like build a desk! I am way more capable then I give myself credit for, but my default thought is always, I can’t, I don’t want to get it wrong. Mainly because I was always told as I child I can’t, I’m not good enough, I’m stupid. So I tend not to bother, but right now with no one around to help there’s just me, myself and I and turns out I can do shit on my own and I am good at it. Who knew?! lol

So after I sort out getting a new mattress, I may start saving for some decent tools, a step ladder and get this place looking fresh with a new lick of paint. I wander if they make pet proof paint… cuz my place looks so grubby from those guys and the fact me and scrappy play indoor fetch so there are ball marks on the walls too! lol..

Man it feels good to be sat comfortably, bose headphones on as music always helps me focus, I do my best thinking with music on. Wtf I didn’t do this all sooner I don’t know, I don’t know why I put up with things, like sitting uncomfortably on the sofa to blog for all these years rather then getting a desk and chair. I suppose its a lot to do with how I value myself or maybe I just like to punish myself. Probably a bit of both..

Don’t put shit off, if something will make your life easier, do it! Save that money, make it a priority and do it! You will be kicking yourself for not doing it sooner!

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 41 on T

Its so strange how things can change for the better in a second. I’m feeling so much better then I have done over the past few months. My financial situation is finally sorted and I got a back payment. Its such a weight off my shoulders, I feel like I can breathe again.

I’ve not spent all the money yet and what I have bought so far has been an investment of sorts. I’ve booked a short holiday in Devon with a friend, I’m super excited as I’ve not been on holiday for about 10 years. I booked to see Eminem in July! with my best friend, we are super excited for this. I got myself a Nintendo switch, a tattoo session and a new hoover. I intend on doing an online course and get my passport sorted. So I feel its not been a waste, I’ve actually got stuff to show for it this time around. So I’m quite proud of myself, as I’m not the best with money lol! I’ve also paid off the people I owed money too, so that felt good.

So I feel right now that my mental health is much better then it was, I’ve had a few anxiety attacks but there’s been a real reason behind them and not just anxiety for no reason. I feel back to myself again, I can enjoy life again rather then just trying to survive. I’m looking forward to the future rather then dreading it. I’m 100% committed to moving forward and bettering myself, I don’t want to be stuck in this place forever. I feel like apart from the transition and coming out as trans, nothing else has really moved forward in the last 5 years or so and I feel now is the time to do something more worthwhile. I’m not going to dive into anything, just small steps, small changes and things will start moving.

Transition stuff is going ok, I had my fasting blood test this morning to check my T levels and then I had my injection. I’ve got to have another fasting blood test next week and then hopefully I’ll get the results before I go away. I’m still not 100% that my levels are right as the last 3 weeks my emotions have been all over the place and I’ve found it really hard to hold myself together. Part of it has been high stress levels but I also think some of it is hormonal as well. Its a waiting game and I realise it takes time to get theses things right and I know it will be an ongoing thing.

Gender dysphoria has been ok-ish and its been manageable. Some days its easier to deal with but other days its so much harder. It makes me feel anxious, agitated which makes me detach and disassociate. I intend on trying to ground myself daily in order to help me deal with the gender dysphoria and disassociation. I’ve been writing in my journal again and that’s helped me express how I feel daily and its been helpful to look back on it and reflect on how I’ve dealt with things and how I’ve been feeling. I also intend on looking after myself and my needs again properly as I’ve let the self care side slip a bit, so I have made a promise to myself to put myself first.

That’s all for now 🙂

Week 41 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 36 on T

Today I finally got around to doing a voice comparison video! woohoo! I’ve been meaning to do it for a while, but my throat has been really sore today, I keep having to clear my throat and my voice sounds a lot different, to me anyway it does. I can’t believe how different my voice sounds! Its so crazy but really cool.

Apart from my voice I’ve not really had any other changes, just getting more hairy and horny lol!

I’ve been quite busy and I haven’t really had much of a chance to sit and just be, which is cool but I haven’t really been able to check in with myself as much, as at the moment I’m always planning on how I’m going to get by money wise fortnight to fortnight. I’ve not really been able to be in the moment as much.

I’m still in the middle of sorting all my benefits stuff out… I gotta email some stuff off tonight and hopefully it won’t take too long for the charity I’m using to put together my MR for PIP. I want it over with now, its so stressful.

I’ve been getting a bit of dysphoria, but its not been too bad. Its been manageable, although I’ve figured that sometimes when I feel dizzy its because I’m disassociating. It makes me feel really weird, like I’m not real, everything else isn’t real… and then I feel dizzy and wobbly. When it happens I just try and focus on something, which isn’t always easy but it does help a bit.

Self care helps with the dysphoria, things I like to do are –

Napping, eating, binge watching tv, playing with my dogs, walking, housework, being with close friends, meditation, singing, listening to music…the list goes on.

Other self care includes making sure I’ve eaten decent meals, paid bills, that I’ve got enough money, taking my meds, housework, laundry..etc boring self care stuff but essential.

 

Week 36 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

^ Finally got around to doing a voice comparison video.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 21 on T

I’m writing this a day late this week, as yesterday I was having a bit of a hissy fit. So I ended up just sleeping and binge watching stuff on Netflix all day. I totally needed it and felt much better for it, the two previous nights I’d not slept well at all and I think it all finally caught up with me.

The reason I was having a bit of a moment was because at the weekend I had fraud on my card…again! For the 3rd time in about 3 years, its such an inconvenience being without a card. Also for some reason I had it in my head that I was getting paid this week… But I didn’t because I wasn’t due to get paid until next week URGH! I don’t know what happened, or how it happened but I totally mismanaged my money and was left with £8 for a week. I was totally kicking myself and I was so fucking angry with myself, I could not believe I fucked up so baldy. Some of my lovely friends though offered me money which was so sweet of them, but after much agonising I rang my grandparents and asked them for some money, which felt horrible! I hate asking for help and money especially from family. But thankfully they gave me £80, unfortunately £60 of that went straight into the bank for bills… and I’ve already spent the rest on food. But luckily I’m still owed a bit of money from a friend and my mum, so I won’t be totally skint.

So to say I was stressed was an understatement, I just couldn’t get over how I fucked up so bad. I ended up just sleeping on and off all day long, but I totally needed and I feel loads better today.

Anyway back to the transition stuff, I have noticed that the hair on my thighs have finally started growing and looking darker which is cool, the rest of my legs look like a forest and my armpits too, I’m so chuffed.

Yesterday I had my peak blood test for my testosterone levels and I should get my results tomorrow, which will tell me how often I will need to do my injections.

For a few days after my injection last week my appetite increased but that’s settled down now thankfully and from Fri-Mon my mood and energy was way up which felt good! Feeling a bit more settled and chill today and a bit more grounded.

Week 21 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

That’s all for this week,

Peace out

Dyllan

I feel into the darkness

A month ago since I last posted and I was attempting to write more regularly but life and my poor mental health has kinda got in the way and to be honest I don’t remember a lot of the past month. I know I’ve had a few good days with friends and my brother but the rest of the time has been pretty dark. I recently spoke out loud to someone about how I’ve been feeling so yeah now its like real so I can and need to talk  about it.

So I suppose I’ll quickly update about benefits and stuff..

Tomorrow is my ESA face to face assessment, so not looking forward to it but luckily I have someone coming with me. But I am still super fucking nervous, although I have heard ESA isn’t as hard to get as PIP.

I have my PIP tribunal on 23rd of this month.. which I am really not fucking looking forward too! proper freaking out! But again I have an awesome friend who is coming down especially to come with me. He is awesome.

I had a letter yesterday to say my bus pass will run out in a months time and if my PIP isn’t sorted by then, then I will be unable to renew it and I won’t be able to get to any groups or appointments. But I have emailed my OT about getting a social services blue card so I will always be eligible for a bus pass. Definitely not a stress I need right now.

Health hasn’t been great, had a sinus infection which went to my chest and out of hours and a&e wouldn’t help me… which they usually do! So ended up waiting to see my GP and he gave me a steroid injection in my bum and it made me feel so much better, energy wise anyway as I literally had no energy to get out of bed. My referral to Southampton has been sent! So I am mega happy about that and cannot wait to be seen by someone who’s got a clue how to treat me and will actually fucking listen.

I am off Tramadol altogether now which is great but the Gabapentin has caused me to gain a stone in weight, which has gone to the places I want it the least, my chest, stomach and hips and because I’ve not been well, I’ve not been able to get out and exercise and because my moods been low I’ve been binge eating… which makes me feel even fucking worse.

That brings me to the my mental health.. Well its not been fucking pretty I can say that for sure.

I thought I was doing ok but only because I was keeping my true feelings inside and not really being true to myself and probably lack of insight as well didn’t help. But I’ve not been well for months, I’m just an expert at hiding it well.

In Oct when I had a bit of a manic episode due to lack of sleep, it did take a few weeks to recover but then I think I was doing ok, from what I remember. (memory at the moment is so poor) I was fairly stable and coping with everything ok.

When my money first got cut in Feb, I was like ok this is fine, I’ll cut the bills where I can, change my outgoings where I am able to etc and I will just make it work and that was ok for a bit.

As time went on it got harder and harder, my physical health got worse, I was more isolated then I ever have been before and my mood became lower and harder for me to control.

So right now I am in a place where I am struggling to stay or be grounded because I keep disassociating all the time, to the point that I am losing hours of time just by sat staring into space, so if I have an appointment I have to set like 6 alarms just so I get out of the house on time but usually once I’ve had a shower and I’m back in my body again then its not too bad. But its so fucking difficult to deal with on a daily basis, its so fucking draining.

That I can sort of deal with though but what I am finding harder to deal with is the depression, the suicidal thoughts which are fairly fucking regular and the self harm thoughts, which are so strong and I’ve gone as far as going to the shop to buy razor blades, I did manage to walk out without any but that took every little bit of strength I had left that day and its something I think about doing every day because nothing is giving me the release I need! Even writing about it my whole body is just itching to do it! Trouble is at this point I wouldn’t be in control of it or myself…I probably wouldn’t want to stop once I started either.

So yeah right now I am in a really fucking dark place and I cannot get out of this myself, only medication will help and I refuse to up the Quetiapine! So will ring the mental health team for an appointment to see if I can try Lamotrigine as that is a non weight gaining medication. I really don’t want to as I feel like its going backwards once again.

I feel so helpless, fucking useless, hopeless and like I really don’t give a fuck anymore and for me feeling like this is not good, especially with the disassociation, that’s when really bad things happen because I am not aware and I am not in control.

It’s a scary place to be, I used to love feeling out of control because that’s all I knew for all my life, then I got well and I liked that even more because I felt some level of security in that.

Just hope my psych can see me this week..

Peace out

Batman

Forever waiting – Massive catch up

Again it’s been just over a month since I last wrote anything about my exciting life lol, I’ve been struggling to write at the moment because my life is in a bit of a limbo and the benefits saga seems to be over shadowing everything else and the other stuff seems to be a lot of inconvenient bullshit, that occurs on a regular basis it seems at the moment. But like I said the benefits saga is the main concern and looks like it will be that way for another 3 months.

Whilst I am on the subject of benefits I may as well do a proper update of this ridiculous situation. So in my last post I said that the courts had gotten the appeal with all the information I sent and they were waiting to hear from the Department of Work and Pensions. It’s now 5 weeks later and I rang the courts up last week to see what was going on and they said it can take up to 12-17 weeks for a court date and I am on week 5, so I’ve possibly got to wait another 12 weeks or 3 months which makes it sound longer, just for a court date. September should be when I get a date but fuck knows when the date will be for, probably for 3 months after that, by September it will be 7 months since my money stopped but it all started back last September, when I got the form to fill out, December I had my face to face assessment, January they said no, February I did the mandatory reconsideration, last month I appealed that… and here I am yet again waiting. If I get a court date by September then it will be a year since this whole thing started and to be honest I’m surprised I’ve got through without self harming because it has been incredibly stressful, soul destroying and just utterly horrific. Having to do the appeals and write down all the things I cannot do or that I struggle to do, it has totally destroyed any confidence or self esteem I had about myself and has knocked me to the floor and I’ve been struggling to pick myself back up again. When I read the statistics about the people who have killed themselves because they’ve been deemed fit to work and are no longer entitled to disability benefits, I totally fucking understand why! I totally get it! I have felt so close to the edge and I’ve wanted to end it all several fucking times because I felt like I could just not do this any more. It does make you question the fact of well am I fit to work? Am I really this ill? Is it all just in my head? Even though the rational part of you knows you are ill and you are entitled to the benefits. It’s horrible questioning you’re entire life, whilst having to prove it to others who simply have no fucking clue. Right now this isn’t living it’s existing and everyone is entitled to a decent quality of life. I’m lucky that I have a few good friends who’ve helped me out with money, emotional support, love and just everything a great friendship is made of and I’m lucky to live in such a beautiful place, where I can sit by the water with my dogs just a stones throw from my house.

That nicely brings me onto the rest of my life and what I’ve been up too. I don’t feel like I’ve done a lot really and that’s mainly because everything I do something I have to then spend time recovering from it, which is frustrating to say the least because someone of my age shouldn’t have to rest and recover from activities that most people do without thinking. I’ve spent a lot of time with L and the boys either being here at mine or being at their place and as always its a good laugh but so exhausting, I honestly don’t know how she does it with all her problems too, big respect to her. L dyed my Mohawk blue 😀 and yeah it looks so awesome! I’ve also been regularly going to my groups and counselling, which at times has been hard because I have been so unmotivated and just so low but I’ve pushed myself through it all. Like I previously said I live a stones throw away from the sea and its such a beautiful place, when the weather is nice I could just stay out there forever. I’ve just been trying to maintain some sort of normality, which includes the odd treat for myself and the animals, its been the very rare occasion but I think we all to often forget the power of treating/pampering yourself has, whether it be ice cream, a facial, a holiday or a Lego set. Treating yourself isn’t something you should be ashamed of or guilty about, because lets face it no matter what walk of life you are from, life gets fucking hard and whoever you are, you should have enough self respect to say YES I deserve this. Yes I am on benefits but does it mean I am less worthy to treat myself then someone who works hard for their money? No! that’s what the media wants you to think with all there shit fucking shows about a small minority of people on benefits and they do not at all represent people like me, who have a well documented and real health condition that effects my daily life because they don’t want you to know about genuine people like myself, they have their own agenda and they just demonise everyone on benefits, which if you haven’t already guessed really grinds my fucking gears. Anyway that was off on a bit of a rant lol so back to what I was talking about, so yes I have continued to treat myself, obviously not as much as I did before as I’ve just not had the money but it has been an important part of keeping me going and keeping me sane. I’ve also taken a lot of time over the past month to just be by myself and not talking to anyone and that’s also been a vital part of getting through all this. Overall the last month has been good but the really low darkness is always there in the background, I’m just working really hard not to let it overpower me on a daily basis and I don’t think people appreciate just how hard it is, to battle with your own mind every second of every day, its exhausting. I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve been really low and struggling and I still feel low and I am still struggling and in all honestly without my lovely friends, my groups and counselling I probably wouldn’t be here right now. Besides I do not want to die as the person that isn’t my true self, I need to go through my journey to be the real me.

Moving on to my physical health, which as usual has been a bundle of fun…NOT! Where to start… I suppose I’ll start with my transition stuff as that is fairly straight forward because I am still waiting for my first appointment. But I am going to send them a letter with my new NHS number and ask if they know roughly when I should be hearing about my first appointment. To be honest right now I’m happy to be waiting for this for a few reasons, even though I’m desperate to get on my journey, I have other things in my life that need to be sorted before hand, ie money and meds, so its not really high on my list even though I want it so bad. Sometimes wants and needs differ and needs are more important. Last time I wrote about my knee and trying anti-inflammatory’s, I tried two and neither helped so two weeks ago today I had a steroid injection right into the joint and it has helped to a degree but it still keeps swelling up and hurting, it’s not as bad but still its not great. Also two weeks ago I started Gabapentin which is a anti-epileptic which is also used as pain relief. It seems to be working well along side my Tramadol but I am slowly lowering the Tramadol as my body is addicted to it and I want to see how well the Gabapentin works by itself. The other reason I want to come off the Tramadol is because I will need strong opiate based drugs after the surgeries I have throughout my transition. So I need to detox off it and hopefully when I need it in the future it will be more effective then it is right now. Oh my appetite is great since starting the Gabapentin, it has the same weight gaining effect as Quetiapine and I’ve put on 5lbs in two weeks. It does seem to be slowing down now and I’m not nearly as hungry as last week, I just couldn’t stop eating lol! I am being mindful of what and how much I am eating but it is hard. But to be honest I’m just glad I’m eating and its not a stressful thing. I’ve spoken to my GP about what’s happening with my referral to Southampton hospital and it’s basically down to my gender change…DO’H! So because I’ve changed my gender and title I effectively have become a whole new person, which is true but what happens is that all your medical history is deleted from the doctors system and your are put back on as a new patient, so what they are currently trying to do is get hold of the hard copy of my medical records in order to send to Southampton as they need to know everything before they see me. I certainly don’t remember everything that’s happened to me medically in the last 31 years because well its been loads lol. But yeah I’ve been assured that the practice manager is on it, I feel better now I know what’s happening but it is another thing that I am in limbo with. I swear I spend most of my time waiting for shit to get sorted out lol! Other then that not much has changed, still struggling with fatigue and not sleeping well but it is what it is, I wake up a few times a night sometimes and I just get up have a drink or a wee and sometimes I go straight back to sleep but sometimes I have to get up for a hour or so. I’m not stressing about this because my insomnia or painsomnia issues have been going on for so long now and I’ve tried everything to help me sleep through the night but its clearly not meant to be. I’m on long term Doxycycline at the moment so I’ve not caught any colds, although I have a bit of a chesty cough at the moment but that’s probably down to my sinus gunk dripping down to my chest, which ironically the Doxycycline is meant to help with…I feel its not working lol, my ENT app isn’t until next month so not much I can do or my GP can do right now.

Wow that’s a lot of stuff about me aha! I shall end on a update of my 4 four babies, who are all just in perfect health and are all amazing and are all helping me get through the darkest times and I am totally in love with them ❤

Ooh also here’s a few pics of us all

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^^ yeah boi I am 😀 haha

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^^ Me and Harvey on his 9th Birthday last week ❤

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^^ Me and my boo boo ❤

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^^ Harley doing a bit of yoga lol

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^^Marley moo

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^^ Mr Scrappy doodle

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^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

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^^ I love this place

Right that’s all from this boi, its taken me hours to write this, its very therapeutic though and I do feel calm and grounded.

Peace out Batman

 

 

Am I losing it? – Update on my life

It has been another 7 days since I last posted on here, mainly because my mood has been really low and I’ve not had the motivation to do anything and a bit because my situation hasn’t really changed much and I’m so fed up.

So what has been happening in my life in the past 7 days.. Not much lol, mostly because like I said I’ve been depressed and I’ve isolated myself. I tried to go to the group social on Thursday afternoon but it was just way too much and I could only stay for an hour, it was just too overwhelming. I think the fact I had meditated before I went was a factor as while it is good, it can also have a negative effect.

I found this picture and it really spoke to me, I love it and look at it every day.

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It made me think about my current situation and yes while it is very stressful and I am struggling to pay my bills etc. I can still have a good day, I can still do things that will make me happy and I’ve been trying to do that by making sure the housework and laundry is all done, making sure me and my fur babies have what we need and by making sure I don’t isolate myself too much, which is hard when I don’t have much money but a day out doesn’t need to cost much. So yeah I am trying to make the most out of a bad situation but I am also allowing myself to feel depressed, stressed and overwhelmed, I’m just not letting my emotions rule my day.

I saw my GP last week and he said I have fluid on my knee, so he gave me more anti-inflammatory meds to try. So far they haven’t helped too much but I shall see how it goes and if it still hurts then he will give me a steroid injection into my knee joint :/ ouch! I also asked about changing to Gabapentin for my pain as the tramadol isn’t working so much any more.

A big thing happened this week and that was I left a site that I have used for 6  years, I won’t name it but its for people with physical and mental health issues and for carers of people with physical and mental health issues. It has been a huge part of my life and it has been helpful but I felt I no longer have anything left to give the members of that community as most of them just want to be validation and don’t want to recover and some members are down right toxic and I will no longer tolerate people who make me out to be the bad person and I will not tolerate people manipulating me to feel bad for them and that site has one or two people like that. I feel I am on a different path now and I no longer need that sort of thing in my life, I am trying to get away from toxic people. It does feel weird as it was a big part of my life for so long and I am feeling a bit anxious about it but I know it’s for the best.

Update on benefits stuff – I got a letter to say the courts have my information I sent and now they are waiting for the Department of Work and Pensions to get back to them and then I will be sent a court date. I just want it over so bad, I am SO close to it being over, I just gotta hold on a little longer. People keep telling me I’m doing great but I feel like I am losing control and just totally losing my shit, I’m desperately trying to keep it together but its so freaking hard!

My appetite has gone again, what a fucking surprise lol. So I’ve just been grazing on whatever I fancy and I’m trying not to put so much pressure on myself. The belief is that I have to eat 3 proper meals a day, but is that really fact? Do I really have too? No I don’t because I’m an adult and I cannot force my body to do something it doesn’t want too do and it doesn’t want to eat regular meals. I think because all my life I have been forced to eat 3 meals a day and always been told that is what I need to do etc and its a hard to break that thought pattern.

But yeah I have lots of stuff to work through as usual and its hard man, like so hard! I think I need to possibly seek help for the PTSD due to my physical health diagnosis at a young age, I think its really causing me a lot of issues right now, with my mood and just stuff. I can’t explain it.

Feeling a little relaxed for having wrote this, although I feel really disconnected so I’m not sure if that shows in who I write this but yeah.

My Mr Scrappy Doodles is 2 years old today 🙂 We took the bus to the park, it was so nice out, the sun was out and it was lovely and warm. Scrappy had lots of fun swimming in the sea and playing fetch and Foxy just followed us around peeing on everything lol.

Here are some pics from today

Peace out

Batman

I AM DONE!

I’m tired and stressed, tired and stressed…oh wait I’m tired and stressed 😥

I’m just struggling with everything, struggling with money, struggling to manage myself and my emotions, struggling with everything.

I am stressed out to the eye balls with everything that my stomach isn’t taking it well.. I feel sick all the time, its so hard to eat anything because I just don’t feel like it because I am too stressed to eat. But if I don’t eat much I feel sick and ill..its a catch 22 situation once again!

So sick of fucking dealing with the same fucking situation around food and eating! No no scrap that I am sick of my fucking life as it stand right now. I fucking hate it! I hate myself, I hate my fucking life, I fucking HATE being ill. I just hate everything! I am sick of this bullshit. Just done!

DONE

What a week and it’s only Wednesday!

Its only Wednesday and it has already been one hell of a week! I’m absolutely exhausted, in so much pain and so stressed out, literally don’t know how I am continuing to move forward and deal with all of this shit.

So Monday Scrappy went down hill, he was still being sick and he started pooping blood, he then went very lethargic. So I had to scramble around and got two of my friends to help me out but we managed to get him to the vets in the end. I was thinking the worse, as I’ve never seen him so poorly before. But the vet said he’s probably eaten something he shouldn’t have…which knowing scrappy is probably what happened lol. The vet gave him 3 injections, antibiotics, anti-sickness and anti-diarrhea and then some anti-diarrhea paste to give him for the next few days.

Yesterday Scrappy was still really subdue and not eating but today he’s really perked up. He’s eaten and played fetch, he’s still not 100% himself but he didn’t eat for 48 hours and didn’t sleep well for 48 hours so he’s probably exhausted and feeling really weak. I’m sure he’ll be back to his usual old self in a few more days. I’m just glad my baby boy is on the mend, I wouldn’t know what I would do without him or any of my babies.

Monday morning I spent ringing around my doctors and diverse abilities to sort out getting my case together for this tribunal for the disability benefits. I need to chase up one doc to see what’s going on, as I said I am at that hospital next week and can pick it all up.

My psych has been great, I saw him today to catch him up to speed with everything going on, so he’s going to write me an up to date letter for me to use at the tribunal, I just need to show him what I will be writing to them. So I am going to get diverse abilities to send me a copy of the appeal, so I can send to him because my case for the tribunal will still be along the same lines.

This fortnight after I pay out for everything I have £38… Yes I did treat myself to a £6 top and a haircut that cost £9 but I think I deserve a small treat after everything I’ve been through. But I can’t afford to get a taxi to my hospital app next week, so I’ve asked my brother to take me but I can’t afford to pay car parking because its expensive and I can’t expect my brother to either, so he’s just dropping me off. I have no money to socialise, which I know its not what it is for BUT because of my illnesses I get isolated very easily, so with no money to do anything, I will become isolated, bored and depressed.. This is no life at all, its just not fair! I just hate this so much, having to prove over and over that I am sick and “worthy” to be “awarded” these benefits. Its soul destroying to go over all my limitations and all the things that I struggle with or can’t do. I cannot WAIT for it all to be over, I will fight until I get my money, I need this money to live instead of just about surviving like I am right now.

Over the last few years I’ve watched helplessly as my health has gone down hill and I’ve not been able to do a thing about it. At the moment I am still having issues with my re-occurring sinus infections but next Fri I meet my new ENT doc. I am anxious about it but at the same time I can’t wait because it does need to be sorted out. Also this last week or so my right knee has been swollen after well doing anything and its has been really painful…But I can’t see my GP until next week. I had a letter to say he wants to see me, but the receptionists can’t possibly tell me why and they still cannot see me until Tues.. lol. I am over dealing with the gate keepers of the doctors, I just hope he doesn’t urgently need to see me for anything because well Tues will have to do.

So how do I feel right now? I really don’t know to be honest, overwhelmed is probably the right word to use right now. It’s all a bit too much and I have SO much to do and I am organising it all myself. I’m just grateful for the friends that I have around me right now and my brother, they are helping to keep me afloat.

I’m surprised that my dark passenger hasn’t made himself known, I think finally after 20 years I am totally in control of this dark addiction that I held so closely for most of my life. Finally there is a distance between us and he’s no longer walking anywhere near me. Throughout all of this stress I could have easily given my dark passenger permission to just take hold of me again but it hasn’t even crossed my mind, which is a huge step for me. I have cut once in about two and a half years and I am extremely proud of myself for that because before I stopped, cutting (my dark passenger) totally controlled my life, say if my current situation with benefits, health etc was to happen 4 years ago then I would probably be cut to shreds, I would probably be cutting every day because of the stress. Like I said I’ve not thought about and even now talking about it, isn’t a trigger at all, which again is a huge improvement for me. I’ve said before that I enjoyed cutting but now I understand myself a lot more and understand that I have sensory processing issues and that is why I enjoyed it. Now I am aware of that I have different things that I use when I need that sensory feeling or whatever, its difficult to explain.

I’m glad I’ve written about all this because it has shown me that despite all of the shit I am going through, I do have things that I can still be proud of 🙂 and that is a good mood booster, least I am still moving forward and making progress.

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Batman

This shit it my life!

Wow what to write that isn’t about what I’ve been talking about for fucking weeks! I don’t even fucking care any more if all I am talking about is my current situation because this current situation is so fucked up and is having a fucking massive impact on my life and my health.

So I hadn’t heard from Diverse abilities since I saw the lady to go through my appeal which was on the 1st February. I left another message with the office and the lady rang me back in the afternoon, now she said she didn’t send my form back until the 10th February and in the pit of my stomach I instantly knew that she’d fucked it up! Now she said give it another week but I couldn’t let any more time elapse, so I rang up the Personal Independent Payment which is a premium number, which in itself is a JOKE! But the lady I spoke to was really nice and she said they didn’t get my appeal until 16th February which was too late! they needed it by fucking 12th February! This is a massive fucking cock up! She said she will see if they will open the appeal again if not then I will have to start the whole process all over again! So I have paid a charity to help me only to have it fucked right up! Well I could have done that all by myself! Suffice to say I was extremely angry and could barely keep my shit together, I cried on the phone to the PIP lady and I cried whilst talking to the Diverse Abilities lady. The anger had to come out somehow and that was the most healthiest way. Nothing I can do now until Mon, so I will be talking to my Diverse Abilities lady again to see what the plan of action is, she needs to sort this out.

I just cannot believe this was just completely fucked up so fucking bad, so now I have to wait another 8-9 fucking weeks for the appeal process! I literally want to throw myself on the floor and have a full on tantrum like a toddler because I am that fucking frustrated with this whole thing. This is my fucking LIFE they are cocking about with! I mean WTF! It is beyond and joke and borderlining on cruelty! Literally do not know how much more of this bullshit I can deal with, its getting just too too much for me to deal with.

So my money lands on the end and first of the month, which is when two big bills come out… so it isn’t going to leave me with much money, well no money for anything, not even food. I am going to have to look at the next few months and see when these big bills come out and see if I will be able to afford them or not, if not then I will have to re-evaluate my outgoings and that possibly will mean having to cut off my internet and tv, but I will sit and work it out. Another thing I don’t have the energy for, it makes me feel tired just thinking about it, I hate maths!

I had to ask a friend for money for this fortnight just so I can survive. Now I HATE asking anyone for help with anything but I was desperate. This person I have pretty much known all my life and we’ve faced life’s hardships together and we’ve always helped each other out when either one is in need. This made me feel much better about her helping me because it feels more on par and I know when she needs help I can return the favour. So she’s saved my ass big time, this fortnight I will be able to pay my bills and eat. Another friend did offer to help but I don’t want to feel or be in debt to that person as I cannot afford to pay it back.

I am glad that Ian Duncan Smith has resigned but its not because he feels the government has gone too far, its because he’s saving his own ass and leaving before shit blows up!

Something I saw today and totally believe!

Our country cannot go on with these bastards killing off the sick, the disabled and the already impoverished. We cannot let this go on but how the hell do you beat the elite, they are already corrupt to the very core. I can feel an unrest with in society and within the things I read from people like me and I do think there will be an uprising of some kind.

So to change to subject to one that’s a bit more calm.. Today I took the pups for a proper walk for the first time in a week, I’ve not been well enough to go far and my depression as once again kept me housebound too. It was cold and windy today but it felt good to be out from within my four walls. The pups enjoyed it as well which always makes me feel good. I felt like the legs were going to fall off when I got home lol.

Just been relaxing the rest of today, or at least trying too. I have so much crap constantly running through my little brain, its really hard to switch of from. I find that playing the candy crush games and doing word searches helps distract me and helps me switch off the constant running commentary that I hear 24/7.

I am always banging on about how self care is essential to my continuing recovery…I am finding it extremely difficult to do, even the little things are hard. Its hard not to be awake all night and sleep all day, its hard to get out everyday, hard to do the housework, I’m just finding it hard to keep my shit together day to day. But I am trying to do one thing each day that is self care, just to keep afloat.

So how in this moment right now do I feel? I feel empty, my body hurts and I am tired. I really don’t know how I am going to continue, I’ve literally had my fill of this BS, it has to turn around soon, something HAS to start going well…right?! Just living hour by hour is taxing, I feel so powerless to change or stop any of this.

^^ Seem to totally fit today. I hope this has a good ending.

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

^^ Love this photo of my beautiful Scrappy Doodles

^^ I love living here ❤

^^ My beautiful Marley Moo

 My playful Harley ❤

I love my fur babies so much and they keep me going, they keep me company with them I am never alone ❤

Well that’s another depressive post written but hey this is shit is my life!

Peace out

Batman