LIFE IN LOCKDOWN..CONT

This feels like a never ending saga… Although things are starting to slowly get back to normal-ish. More places are starting to open and you’re allowed to travel a bit more and the level has been lowered to 3.. which I’m unsure of the exact do’s and don’ts but for me I am meant to be isolating now till the end of this month, although that could change. It’s just a case of waiting to see what happens next, I do think a second wave is inevitable as that’s just how a virus works.

For me I don’t feel quite comfortable going to any shops in town just yet, although I will have to go to primark at some point at I have one pair of shorts and the ones I’ve seen in Asda either don’t feel right or just aren’t my style. I’m also feeling quite anxious about using public transport, luckily at the moment I don’t have to go anywhere, despite bursting to take the dogs out for the day somewhere, I think for me right now the risks still outweighs the wants. Plus I need a mask which I don’t have and don’t feel comfortable wearing due to not being able to breathe properly. I think I’d feel to claustrophobic wearing a mask, especially on the bus. So for now, I’m staying local..which is boring AF but I got to keep safe.

I wish I could say I was coping better with this lockdown life, but sadly I can’t. I’m still really struggling, my depression is pretty bad, anxiety is bad and the disassociation is really crippling.

I decided that today I was going to try my best to actually participate and engage in life, rather then the disassociation take over and its been extremely exhausting trying to stay present and in the moment. But I’ve been able to get things done that have just been impossible to do in the last few weeks.

Most days I am so disconnected, disassociated and switched off that all I can do is sleep, eat snacks as cooking has just been too difficult and walk the dogs. I haven’t even been able to really watch anything either, I’ve just been watching things I don’t have to concentrate on, things I’ve seen a million times as its kind of comforting and eases my anxiety. There’s a few new seasons of shows I love on netflix that I’m bursting to watch, but for some reason I can’t start them. I feel too anxious, I know it makes no sense. I’m not really enjoying doing anything either, I just feel so numb, I can’t remember the last time I actually felt something other then feeling so numb and just nothing. I feel like most days I’m just going through the motions, just to get through another day of monotony.

I struggle to even start a task, it takes forever to do the basics, as I’m so trapped my anxiety and fighting to stay in the moment that I spend a lot of time sitting down trying to motivate myself enough to unfreeze and move. Its such a battle every day just to do the simplest of things and its so exhausting. I’m meant to be taking my blood pressure every day, but I’ve been unable to do that, as I just don’t remember and for some reason it feels like an overwhelming task, even though its so simple.

I’m just trapped inside my head all by myself all the time and my head is such a dark place to be but I’m stuck there. I need outside stimulation and interaction, I need outside help. But it’s just not there right now.

I’m so withdrawn from life, that I just don’t reach out anymore, I just can’t bring myself to it. I’ve kinda resided to the fact that this is life now, just on my own, loneliness forever. I’m not ok with that but I’m too tired to keep trying to insert myself into people’s lives.

Even when I’m out with the dogs and people talk to me, I keep stumbling over my words, I feel super awkward and incredibly anxious. I love being out with the dogs but I hate being seen, I just want to walk and chill on my own, which just isn’t me at all. I usually love talking to random strangers but now it just makes me feel so vulnerable and awkward I really don’t enjoy it and I wish I didn’t feel this way as I am quite a social person usually. But my anxiety is so strong and the constant negative thoughts is making everything impossible.

I’m kind of dreading everything getting back to normal, I can see myself keeping myself very withdrawn and isolated, it feels a bit scary getting back to normal. I don’t know how I’m going to get myself back out there into society, just thinking about it freaks me out. I’m not agoraphobic but the thought have having to go a bit further a field, like say to a hospital app is terrifying. Not just getting public transport but also interacting with others and also being able to organise myself enough to get myself somewhere on time. This lockdown has had a huge negative impact on my mental health and its not something that I’ll be able to easily fix.

I’ve had very little sleep today, under 4 hours I think. I got up early and did the house work and made some breakfast and I was out just before 10 am, I took the dogs for a walk and sat down where we scattered dad’s ashes which was nice and peaceful. Spoke to him and wished him a Happy Fathers Day, something I do every year. After our walk I had some lunch and watched and film, then jumped onto the laptop while my brain was still engaged in real life and I’ve been sat here for about 4 hours now. I feel a bit better for blogging and getting stuff out, I’m bloody exhausted now. I’m going to try and get an earlier night.

A couple of weeks ago I decided for my own mental health and sanity to cut ties with my ex completely, which meant deleting messages, blocking on FB and burning the break up letter they gave, which wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be. I couldn’t keep tormenting myself and I felt like I was still holding on, waiting, hoping that maybe I’d be wanted again. I didn’t really want to remain friends in the first place, it’s what they wanted and rather then be strong and stand up for myself I just went along with it. But I can’t heal from the situation whilst stuck in it and still wishing and hoping we’d get back together. I kept thinking I was over it but its still just as painful as when we broke up. I hate feeling so deeply, cuz sure as hell they don’t miss me or were even hurt by the break up, even if they did they didn’t show it. But why would they be hurt, I mean its only me right. Not speaking to them is so painful but being friends was painful, I can’t win.

Man, writing all this shit out makes me feel so broken.. no wonder I’m alone! lol who the fuck wants to take me and all my baggage on?! I don’t even want me.. Maybe this will always be the way, maybe one day I’ll find the light in all this darkness.

Peace out

Zak

Trying to keep it together

I decided to write today, mainly so I can get all this crap out my head and stop it from just going around in circles.

I finally managed to get onto my doctors notes… I can’t use any of it though! Its so inaccurate and just not detailed enough. I’m so angry because I was hoping I would be able to use it for my PIP evidence. But no yet another fucking obstacle has been put in my way. I’m so seriously over this bullshit already! I’m done.

In my notes it says I was diagnosed with granulomatosis with polyangiitis when in 2003, which is wrong, I was diagnosed in 2000 I only remember this really clearly because I was still in secondary school and I was ill a lot of the time and I struggled to keep up with the work. It also keeps saying I’m an ex smoker! which I’m not, I’ve never smoked. There’s just so much that is either wrong or just totally missing altogether. Its s fucked up!

And to top off yesterday I waited in all day for an Amazon delivery but I got an email to say delivery attempted! which was fucking bullshit because I was in waiting! I was so furious because I could have taken the dogs for a walk or whatever.

I was so angry and so stressed out and I just couldn’t see how I was going to get this shit sorted out. I was so close to cutting because I just felt so angry and like nothing was within my control and I felt out of control as well. I just felt so intense and just didn’t know what to do and cutting is my crutch, my go to thing to do for release. It has been for most of my life. I managed to control myself and I didn’t cut because I knew if I did I would have momentary release and then I’d beat myself up about giving in. I wish that cutting still wasn’t my instant reaction when I’m stressed out or feeling intense feelings. I have a much better control over it now but it still bugs me that its my brains default setting when things become unbearable.

I don’t know what more I can do other then control the urges, I can’t seem to change this default setting because its been like it since I was like 9-10 years old, so well over 20 years now. There’s a part of me that loves cutting so much because its a buzz and makes me feel great, hence why I’m covered in scars, but it also comes with a lot of shame a guilt and that doesn’t feel so good. Because you’re told its wrong, its not the right way to deal with your emotions etc.. but that guilt and shame isn’t always mine, its given to me from others.

Anger seems to be default mode right now, I seem to tap into it really quickly. Sometimes I can calm myself down quickly, sometimes its takes longer. It depends what’s pissed me off. Again its something I wish didn’t happen so easily, I can go from feeling ok, feeling calm, to just feeling enraged and such intense anger and frustration. Although its not like it every day, I think often it depends on how much I’ve already just dealt with, how I feel physically and what the trigger is that’s made me so angry.

Benefits make me instantly angry because claiming PIP last year was just so traumatic and so stressful and I was just pushed to the edge of sanity. So now my instant reaction is anger because I’m still not over how badly I was treated.

People shaming me for being ill and not being able to do what they want me to do on that specific day also makes me instantly angry. I will not be shamed for something I have no control over.

I’m sure there are other triggers, I don’t want to list them all. I don’t want to get rid of my anger because it often motivates me to do something to change the situation, like today I got up and I was straight onto the laptop writing and letter to the practice manager and my GP surgery to get them to sort out getting me a copy of my actual notes. I just wish it wasn’t my instant response to certain situations. I wish I was more level headed and calmer.

I feel a bit calmer and less crazy today, although as its now midday and Amazon still haven’t delivered my package I’m starting to feel more agitated because I do actually want to take the dogs for a walk today. I don’t want to sit in all day again.

Last night I remembered I was given a health journal ages ago now and I’ve never used it. So this morning I dug it out and started to fill it out for this morning, I think it will be really useful for myself and my doctors that are all involved in my care to be able to see how my day to day life really is. Often when I go to appointments and they ask me how I feel, I answer how I feel that day. I can’t remember how I’ve felt over the last 6 months and that’s another thing I’ve not really discussed is my poor memory. I swear its got worse over the years, I struggle to remember anything and nothing is in order either. Anyway I am going to make it a part of my routine to fill this in on a daily basis and build up a better idea of my over all health. It may also be helpful for PIP, I can copy the pages and print them off.

It’s going to be difficult writing down everyday what hurts and where, what doesn’t feel good etc. But I think its going to be a really important tool for myself and my doctors.

^ This is the health journal

That’s all for today, I think I’ve spilled my guts enough lol.

Peace out

Batman

Don’t listen to that little dark voice.

A lot has changed in 3 days, a good kind of change though. I’m feeling much better then I did when I last posted on Wednesday. I am much more articulate now and I am able to write a decent sentence…Well I hope so anyway.

On Thursday I wasn’t going to go to my LGBT mental health group, I just didn’t want to go. The little dark voice was whispering in my ear saying “don’t go” “you’ll have a better day at home” “you don’t need that group anyway” etc you get the picture, the depression whispering lies into my ear constantly, trying to keep me at home, keeping me away from people, keeping me from helping myself to push through and feel better. Because the dark voice disappears if I ignore him, so he shouts as loud as he can for as long as he can, until the little ray of light starts talking sense, telling me that there is hope and I will feel better again.

That little ray of light gets louder and stronger the more I pushed on with my day. He got a little louder after I had my breakfast, a little louder still after having a shower and getting dressed. The dark voice was shouting too both in equal measure, my head was so loud but I knew what path I had to follow. I carried on and took the dogs out for a walk, I kept having to sit down as the dark voice was making my body feel so heavy and weak but I pushed through. By this point both voices were raging at each other, I was just listening to them both, both made good points. But ultimately listening to the dark voice would mean just perpetuating the liar that is depression, he would win, the only way I was going to feel better is if I listened to the light voice and went to group.

So I managed to get my stuff together, it took every fibre of my being to do this. As I walked out the front door, locking it behind me, the dark voice realised he’s lost. So he went back to whispering softly in my ear, whispering things like “you won’t have a good day” “you’re stupid” etc… :/

By the time I got on the bus, my head was fairly quite again and my whole being felt so exhausted. I kept falling asleep on the bus trip and very nearly missed my stop but I suddenly realised where I was and pressed the button to get off.

Group itself was good, I don’t remember what we did but I think that’s because it was such a huge battle to just get there, I struggled to be present. But I was there, I stayed, I participated as much as I could and I felt better as a result.

I still didn’t feel 100% better but I felt more myself for going out. I had a good evening, I made myself dinner, played with the pups while waiting for my food shopping, snacked on a peanut butter and syrup sandwich and went to bed.

Friday I went to the Weymouth LGBT mental health group and again it was a bit of a battle to get up and ready, but the struggle wasn’t nearly as bad as the day before. So it just goes to show that my mood was on the way back to normality again.

As always the journey there and back was good and the session itself was good. I think I’ve been going to that group for about a year now, which is cool and makes me proud 🙂

Got home from group about 6pm, I was so tired but I took the pups out for a quick wee and run. When we got back in I stripped off, my binder was hurting so off that came, jeans came off and were replaced by joggy bottoms, although if it was warmer I would just be walking about in boxers and top…but its still too cold for that unfortunately.

I had no energy or motivation to do anything, so I flopped onto the sofa, narrowly missing Harley and Foxy who were both on the sofa, waiting for attention. I reclined both sides of the sofa and I was soon surrounded by all four of my fur babies, I didn’t however appreciate scrappy standing on my back because he’s so freaking heavy! It was nice though, I spent about an hour just laying in silence, with my babies all round me.

Managed to muster up the energy to make myself some dinner which was nice. I just spent the evening watching tv and chatting to friends online.

Today the sun was out and it was like a cool spring day, its been so nice. Before I could go and enjoy the sunshine, I did the housework as its been a bit neglected this week due to my low mood . I felt better for doing it and the place no longer smelt of stinky cat litter, which isn’t a good smell.

I got myself together and I took the dogs for a walk and we went on the longer route. I thought it a bit ambitious of me to walk the long way and it worked out that yeah it was a bit ambitious. I kept having to sit down and resting along the way, but that was ok as I got to just sit in be in the moment.

Once again when I got in, I stripped off the chest binder and my jeans and adopted the much more comfortable joggy bottoms and I rested for a bit with my babies.

I started my dinner early as its quite a time consuming dish and didn’t want to eat too late in the night. I made myself a chicken and leek pie and it was very nice if I do say so myself. I did the washing up as I went along so it wasn’t overwhelming.

I have spent my evening playing with the animals and listening to music. Which makes a change from having the TV on all night and its been a nice change.

Recently I’ve been conscious about the amount of time I spend on my phone, laptop, ps3 and watching tv and I know that it doesn’t always have a good effect on me. So I’ve been switching off my mobile phone, not going on the laptop every night, now watching tv every day. I’ve been mixing up my routine a bit more, cuz before I would watch certain things in the day, then spend all evening with the TV on and my laptop on.

I like people not texting and talking to me all day long, sometimes I just turn my phone off and sit and play with the dogs, or do some colouring or whatever. Not having to be plugged in 24/7 is very freeing, just to sit and be in the moment and to be in whatever is going on around me is nice. It means I’m not missing out on spending quality time with friends or the animals, I’m not missing out on moments because I am not being sucked into my phone. I am learning more and more how to just be and it is difficult but I have found that if one of my senses is being occupied then I can be in the moment, being still and quiet.

I know people worry when I don’t text straight back or whatever but they don’t need to worry because I am ok, I’m just going back to basics.

So after sitting here for about 3 hours writing, well not solidly I may add, how do I feel? I feel calm, happy and connected with myself. I feel hopeful and excited to see L tomorrow for her birthday 🙂

My life is by far simple but I somehow get myself through it, I will drag myself through this life kicking and screaming until the very end! I will not give up, that dark voice will NEVER win the war.

That is all for now, as my heads starting to hurt from looking at the screen. Glad I took the time to update this though, as its been a while and I always feel better for getting it all out and hopefully I will sleep peacefully tonight.

Peace out

Batman

A lil bit more motivated

I’ll start by saying my anger and anxiety over the elections has lessened now. But it’s got me wanting to be much more involved with it all, so I am going to look into how I go about doing something to help create change.

I do have some good news though 🙂 my motivation is back! well it’s better then it was. So I’ve actually had a really good weekend and I didn’t spend it all at home.

Yesterday I had a chilled morning, as I’m always a bit drowsy the day after my metoject. But I was up and out with the pups by 1 pm. We walked down to the quay where there was a boat show, there were massive ships that looked like pirate ships, so cool! It was really busy and hotter then it looked. I met up with my bro his gf and baby Leo for a bit, we sat and had lunch down by where we scattered dad. That was nice to be down there altogether in a special, beautiful place, while watching the pups play and scrappy went for a swim. They left to meet and friend and I carried on walking with the pups around our usual route and that was fun. It was busy because of the boat show and the nice weather. We didn’t get back till 5 pm and I had a red face, neck, ears and arms lol!

I hung out with some friends in the evening which was alright, kinda shouldn’t have gone because half way back on the bus I felt ROUGH as…I think it was heat/sun stroke. I felt so sick and everything hurt. I didn’t get home late late so I led on the sofa with my puppies because urgh I felt awful and I sipped on some water too. I felt a little bit better after a rest and was able to take the pups for a pee and get us all to bed.

Slept really well last night, not surprisingly after all the walking and that I did yesterday. I spent this morning until about 1 pm just relaxing and sleeping 🙂

I did eventually get my butt up and I did clean up the flat a little bit, I’m going to start doing what I did before I lost my motivation and that was cleaning every other day. So that made me feel good for getting that done. I got showered and that and I nipped down to the shop as I needed a few bits and bobs.

Had some lunch, did some laundry, played on my tab, watched some Daredevil on netflix and it’s not that bad. Just pottered about the flat sorting out different things around the place.

Spent an hour across the road with the pups, having a play about 🙂 that was nice just watching them play.

Spent this evening relaxing and the time had completely run away with me today!

Not doing much tomorrow, just got a few bits of paper work to sort out and I have my trans group in the evening, so looking forward to that 🙂

My mood has picked up a bit this weekend, I’m feeling less down and agitated and I am hoping I will be able to maintain this.

Some pictures of my weekend

Peace out

Batman

Feeling so great :)

Mid week already and half way through April ALREADY! What the hell?? It’s going crazy fast. I think the first 20 years of my life went sooooo slow lol. Now it’s just going so fast in the blink of an eye.

Yesterday was a chilled day, relaxed and slept most of the morning. I took foxy to the groomers in the afternoon for her summer haircut. While me and scrappy were waiting we played on the field and went to the pet shop and got some treats 🙂 It was so freaking hot out, apparently we are in for a heatwave for the next few months. We picked up miss foxy and she looked gorgeous, all happy and she looks even tinier now, I booked scrappy in as well, he needs his tail trimmed, the hair on the backs of his legs and she’s going the thin out the rest of his hair on his back because its so thick. My gorgeous boy.

We got in and I was so tired from being out in the sun, I think I played on my tab and watched some tv. Then went and laid on the bed for an hour and a half. I didn’t sleep the entire time, mainly just rested. But it was nice and I had the bedroom door open so Marley moo came in and joined me and the pups for a snooze.

I spent the evening over at my friends C&C they gave me my birthday presents as I’ve not seen them since just before my birthday, so that was really nice and yeah just had a nice evening chilling out, chatting, catching up and stuff. I didn’t leave as late as I usually do because I was starting to feel really achy and snotty.

The pups were happy to see me when I got in, I took them straight out and we got into bed, watched a film and I played on my tab.

Today I have been crazy busy! So busy that I had to write a list to remember everything I had to do and everything was completed.

It started with waking up, eating breakfast and falling back to sleep again for a bit.

After I woke I up did my list of things I needed to do and I did my shopping list that I needed to order.

I cleaned the entire flat and throughout the day I did 4 loads of laundry and it is SO hot that I can hang it all outside so it dries quicker. I made some plain ice cubes for the dogs and some ice treats with chicken stock and their dog treats.

My bro dropped by to pick up some money I was lending him.

Ordered my food shopping which is being delivered tomorrow evening. In the food shopping, I ordered the pups some bits to make them some ice treats. I’m going to make them with banana’s, peanut butter and natural yogurt, blend it all up and freeze, hopefully they will love it. While I was online I did my letter that I need to send to ESA about my change of title, so printed that out, put a copy of my deed poll and sorted out the envelope. I also went back through my journal and wrote down all my good things I’ve done, as I’ve not been keeping up with that at all. So I have done all of January now, so my jar looks a bit less sad lol.

I got myself showered and I sadly had to say goodbye to the leg and armpit hair…. Because it is SO freaking hot, I need to wear my shorts and vest top and because I am not binding yet I can’t go out with hairy armpits and hairy legs because I still look like a female. I’ve had an email about my binders so I can track where they are and they should be here next week. So yeah that totally sucked, it’s been great not shaving anything. But yeah that took ages to do lol, I am SO hairy pre-T I’m going to look like a freaking bear on T lol. Ooh and had a nice minted lamb burger for lunch.

After getting rid of the fuzz, I went out in shorts and a vest top. I went back to the pet shop to exchange to clockwork rat I bought scrappy as the one I picked up didn’t work. So got him a new one, had a lil chat with the ladies in there. Went up to the doctors and picked up my prescription for antibiotics and I got them at the chemist. I took the first two on the bus home so I didn’t forget.

At about 6 pm I took the pups across the road for a run as it was a bit cooler. I took their water over with us as scrappy get thirsty quickly. We spent over an hour over there just chilling, playing about. Met Loki the big Husky, he came out to play with scrappy and foxy for a bit. He’s got a new 100m lead so he could actually run about and play with them. I took some really lovely pictures as well 🙂 I love being outside with the pups so so much, I never used to like it. But I think maybe that’s been down to anxiety and now I don’t really have social anxiety I just want to be out all the time and the pups are a great motivation to be out more too.

Chilled out played on my tab for a bit. Sorted out some more laundry. I nipped into Asda to pick up my pain killers and order more injections. I got myself some bits as well that I didn’t order online, as I order from Tesco’s and they don’t have the pups favourite treats in and just some over bits I needed.

Had another minted lamb burger for dinner, watched some tv and caught up on fb.

I CANNOT wait until Fri when my main man J comes down. YEAH BOY! He gets in town just before midday so when we get back to mine we are going to have lunch and chill, then take the pups across the road and pack some cans of fizz and some sweets and just chill and play about over there with the dogs 🙂 Just cannot wait!

Going to give group tomorrow some feedback about what I took from the Weymouth group. But need to say it in a way that its not a judgement to the our group, I think I am just going to totally own it saw I saw this, I think this etc and see what they think. As I do think the group needs to change a little. I am going to tell the group that as from next Thursday I will be no longer on my bipolar meds and that I would really appreciate if they asked me how it was going, how I am coping and if they see any changes in my mood when they see me at group then I would love some feedback and I think that is totally what group is about. We should be supporting each other, we need to be closer, move on from what’s happened in the past if we can. We need to be more of a community as at the moment it feels disjointed and everyone just comes for themselves. Hopefully I’ll be able to do all this fairly well.

Peace out

Batman

Apathetic

Been sat staring at this screen for about 20 mins now hoping that some how my fingers will start typing with words that sound good…But I don’t have much to say. Not really sure how I’m feeling. I don’t think I’m depressed nor manic, I just feel ok quite calm. It’s a weird feeling though…maybe I am just tired..I don’t know.

It’s been an average day, slept better last night because the last few nights its taken me a while to get off to sleep.

Had a chilled morning, had breakfast, showered, dressed. Took pups for a wee…..didn’t stay out as long as I wanted because I was in pain with my joints and head. Got the pups settled in the hallway with treats and toys 🙂 and forced myself to go out to group. I was in two minds about going but I pushed myself as I could have easily just stayed in laying on the sofa in my pjs all day.

Group was ok..there was a bit of a confrontation from someone with a strong opinion. But our group facilitator stepped in and helped us sort it out. Not what I needed when my head was killing but it is what it is I suppose.

After group I went to a shop and picked myself up a second hand ps2 controller because I’m sure that’s the reason I can’t play. I was also brave and went into another shop and asked about a shapewear top (its a woman’s thing to squeeze everything in) Thought it was worth a shot. I told this lady straight up what I was looking for and the reason why and she was mega helpful and so nice. So I tried it on and nearly broke my arms off in the process lol! But it didn’t flatten much sadly. But the lady suggested some other places I could go. I’m happy I had a positive experience, I didn’t go into the other shops as that was enough for one day, but proud I did it 🙂

Got home to my happy puppies and ignored them until I cleaned up their mess…pee and poop and fluff from poor Mr penguin lol. Took them across the road for a run and play.

Watched tv for a bit and decided I needed to eat. Didn’t really fancy anything though. So I decided to go to the shop as I needed to get cereal anyway. Ended up being in there for what felt like AGES just wondering aimlessly, I don’t really have an appetite at the moment and not because I can’t be bothered to cook but I just don’t really want anything. I did pick something in the end, I decided to have hot dogs but with proper sausages and not the horrible things out of a tin.

Came home, cooked 2 sausages and ate 1 and a half. Just been sat in front of the laptop since. I am off to bed after this.

Meeting a friend tomorrow to walk the pups…the thought of it makes me feel tired. Maybe I am just feeling apathetic right now..no motivation.

Meh…

Peace out

Batman

Early Birthday surprise :)

Ah I didn’t update on Wednesday….Um I think that was because I felt ill, ah what a surprise!

Oh and Tues evening at my friends was a good night, lovely to see them both 🙂

I didn’t really do much yesterday as I was clucking (withdrawing) from my tramadol as I’d run out and my prescription wasn’t ready for the evening, so I felt so unwell. My pain was awful, my jaw was tense, I felt sick and anxious. Gah! So I slept most of yesterday. In fact I didn’t get my ass up off the sofa until 3 pm…*tut* Lazy boy lol.

But when I did sort myself out, I cleaned the flat up which was a bit painful with this stupid finger. Occasionally I’d knock it or pull it the wrong way. Freaking hurt! I had a shower, got dressed and took my rubbish out. I then took my babies across the road for a lil run and the weather had cleared up, the sun was out and the rain had finally stopped.

I then caught up with my old counsellor for just over an hour. I’d not seen her for a while so I thought it would be nice to catch up say hello. So yeah that was great and I came out to her and yeah she was happy for me, so that felt good. And she’s proud of how far I’ve come in the 8 years she’s known me and she’s worked with me for about 5-6 years. She’s so lovely. It was really great to catch up.

Got in to my happy babies 🙂 and I had some dinner, watched a bit of tv. Popped into asda to pick up my medications and I treated myself to some chocolate buttons…yum.

When I got home, I really didn’t feel so good. I was really hot but my temperature was low. 35 degrees…I felt like I had a temperature of about 39 degrees. So that was a bit odd. I just didn’t feel good. So I took my pain killers and got my stuff ready for bed, then took my babies for a wee and run. Got home and went straight to bed. I did chat to friends for a little, but I ended up feeling asleep by about just after 11 pm. I was so exhausted.

I did manage to sleep well last night despite still feeling in pain. I think sometimes just pure exhaustion takes over.

Think I was up early this morning, around 7:30 am…gah! I think I had something to eat and had a nap.

Still didn’t feel too great and along with zero motivation all I wanted to do was stay in a snuggle on the sofa and just generally hide away from everyone. It’s less emotionally draining.

My body however had other ideas, I felt extremely restless and the dogs haven’t been out properly for a while, so was feeling a bit guilty about that. The weather was crap though…rain, rain, rain..and grey and miserable. Urgh. So I decided to stop hiding away and go out to the group social with the pups.

Got myself showered and dressed, got my bag ready with stuff for myself and the pups and headed out in the horrible rain. But on the bus there the weather picked right up, the sun came out and the rain went away 🙂 yay! Just as we got to the cafe and we had already got nice and soggy lol!

The pups were so happy to meet everyone and they were pleased to meet them too, the had lots of fuss and attention 🙂

I went up and got myself a drink and when I had come back, I heard this happy birthday music and one of the people that worked there was walking towards our table with a cake and the number 30 candles…everyone stopped and looked and sang happy birthday. Omg I was so embarrassed, but SO happy 🙂 hehe and so surprised. I didn’t expect anything like that it was great and the cake was yummy. I got a card too. Totally made my day and so glad I ventured out to group. Ah was so great. I really enjoyed chatting with everyone and the pups had fun having a cheeky bit of cake and snuggles with everyone.

After group because the weather was so nice, I decided to walk down to the beach so the pups could have a nice run about. One of the members joined me, so that was really nice. It was gorgeous down there and I got some great pictures. My joints were starting to ache despite taking pain meds before I’d left the cafe, so headed back up and got the bus home.

We got in and scrappy still wanted to play, I sat on the floor with him to play for a bit. Caught up on my fb games and other online bits. Had some dinner and watched some tv. The pups have been snoozing most of the evening. I think today wore them out lol.

Mentally I am feeling ok, I know I need to get myself a bit more motivated and get my ass up and out a bit more often, I think maybe its a little bit of anxiety I am having, but don’t want that to get worse.

Physically…meh not great. But I have an app with my specialist on the 10th March, so not too far away.

A few pictures from today

Peace out

Batman

Monday blues and zero motivation

So it’s Monday yet again! It rolls around so quickly each week.

I was in bed by 10:30 pm, put the Box Troll’s on to watch and I was playing on my tab for a bit. I think I fell to sleep just before midnight.

Slept well…although miss foxy girl woke me up lol. Her new thing is to dig about to get comfy and she was doing it right next to me and kept scratching my back lol.

I got up, had some breakfast and chilled out on the sofa. Eventually snuggled up and fell back to sleep because I couldn’t stay awake any longer lol.

Woke up about 1 pm…animals all snuggled with me. Looked around…the flat is a fucking PIT! URGH! No motivation to be bothered to do it. But I have too…I sat for another hour, then I got my butt up and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned! Woohoo! The place hasn’t been cleaned since last week. But I’ve been sick..that’s my excuse.

Had a shower, got dressed and took the pups across the road, for a wee and a run.

Just been chilling out this afternoon. I need to leave for group V soon..But I gotta be up V early tomorrow for my GP so may not be on here before bed.

Feeling pretty flat, not really depressed, nothing. Hate feeling like this. I think the past few weeks have caught up with me. Just excited about talking about my journey at group.

Meh yeah..that’s it.

Plan tomorrow, gp in the morning and gotta pay bills etc.

Peace out

Batman

Recovery day

I’ve not really done much today, so not a lot to write about.

I had a good 8 hours sleep last night, definitely needed that after being in so much pain all day yesterday.

Still felt tired, I think yesterday just totally knocked it out of me. No motivation and no energy. So I snuggled up on the sofa and fell back to sleep for about 2 hours.

After about half an hour of waking up, I decided I needed to get my butt up and sort myself out.

Had a shower, got dressed and I got the dogs ready and took them across the road….Brrrrr it was so bloody cold and very windy. I was going to have a look in town…but yeah decided it was too cold and I needed to keep myself warm.

Just been sat playing with the pups most of the afternoon, watching tv…etc Nothing exciting, cleaned up a little and did dinner.

Currently waiting for my food shopping and I can’t WAIT for my lucky charms 😀 yummy.

Feeling ok I suppose, just drained in every sense. Spending so much time in pain, is so so draining in so many ways. But I think I needed this day of just nothing to recuperate from yesterday.

I did try and do some writing today. I wrote a letter to my dogs….its alright I think..

Nothing to say tonight. I am looking forward to group tomorrow….

Going to spend some more time with my cheeky animals 🙂

Peace out

Batman

Midweek flatness

Well I’ve done nothing all day! The weather is pants, I have very little money and not much motivation to do anything.

I had some hospital letters come in the post today. One was a reminder letter…but it was weird because I didn’t even get the first letter for the app lol. So got an app for my bone doc. Also got a CT scan of my sinuses this month.

Starting to tell a few close friends about me being a guy etc. Had really positive feedback, so feeling really good about that.

The weather looks like it maybe a little better tomorrow. I really NEED to get my butt out and take the pups on a proper walk. Need to stop being lazy. Also need to get my sleep back on track. It’s all gone a bit skewiff at the moment.

That’s it really. Mentally feeling pretty good and physically not so bad.

Peace out

Batman