2018 – What a year!!!

Yet another year is nearly over and 2019 is just on the horizon.

Its been another year full of ups and downs and for the most part its been an absolutely incredible time.

March was probably the most eventful months of this year, I got snowed in on my birthday due to storm beast from the east, two weeks after my birthday my 3rd nephew came into the world, I changed my name to Zak and the end of March was when I started a relationship with someone I’d been getting to know for a few months.

That was the start of an incredible 7 months and despite how things have ended I wouldn’t change a single thing.

The summer weather definitely made up for the freezing cold, snowy March. Summer was crazy hot! For months! And England qualified for the semifinals for the first time in forever!

I applied for and got my first passport in this millennium! My last passport ran out 14 years ago! I now have valid ID… which I’ve not needed yet πŸ˜‚

I took my partner and my dogs on my first holiday in 10 years. We went to Dawlish in Devon, it’s such a beautiful part of the country. It was so nice to get away and that’s probably where I knew I was in love with this lovely human being.

Then came the Eminem concert at Twickenham stadium with my best friend. It was such an incredible experience, once in a lifetime opportunity! Just amazing.

End of July I had my first consultation for top surgery! Which is great!! I’ve picked a surgeon, I just need to chase up about a second appointment.

Towards the end of the summer, my partner and I went to Rize Festival in Chelmsford, which was an amazing experience as I’d never been to a festival before. It was insane! But so much fun, we saw some amazing artists like Rita Ora, Manic street preachers, Rag n bone man, James bay, Bastille many others. But my favourite by far was seeing Plan B! He was on fire! I definitely want to go to another festival again!!

In September I did something that made me hugely anxious but I braved it and I’m glad I did. I went to London, to a spiritual channeling to meet my beautiful, wonderful friend Pamela in real life. We’ve known each other for 10 years + but we’d never actually met. But when we met all my anxiety left, it felt like we’d known each other forever, I so didn’t want to let her go. I’m so pleased I went, it was amazing and just what I needed.

Towards the end of September, things sort of unravelled but that’s life. Things ended with my partner, mainly because I know exactly what I want and they were unsure. No point either of us wasting each other’s time, but we’re still friends, we still talk, even though sometimes I find it hard, I’m grateful we still talk.

We had an incredible 6 months together, made amazing memories together and despite what happened those things will never change. We will always have those memories together.

Sometime in the summer I quit my volunteer work, I was no longer getting anything from it and felt like I wasn’t being treated fairly and felt like my mental health was used against me and I was just surrounded by toxic people which is never good for anyone.

But I now volunteer at pause cat cafe as a cat care person, which basically means I make sure all 12 cats are happy and healthy, fed on time, clean up behind them and obviously have lots of snuggles and play time. It’s good fun πŸ™‚

As in previous posts I’ll be starting the new year without certain people who I’ve removed from my life, which is good but scary, as I feel like I don’t really have anyone.

Anyway here’s to another year, I don’t know what’s in store but we’ll see.

^ what a difference a year makes

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 24 on T

Another week on testosterone and there’s no changes to report, well apart from my voice I think is a bit deeper. I’ve been coughing a lot the last few days so that could be why.

I had a letter from the bank on Monday, it was from the fraud team and it was in my birth details! I was so furious!! It’s bad enough they had the wrong details, but the fact it was from the fraud team makes it fucking worse!

I went into the bank to explain the situation and the lady I spoke to was really nice and I didn’t even have to explain that I was transgender, which was really cool as I get fed up of explaining myself all the time. She spoke to the fraud people for me and from what she was saying I think they thought that I was 2 different people… which I can kinda understand. But hopefully its all sorted now and I won’t get another letter like this.

When this sort of thing happens, it makes me so angry and causes so much dysphoria and distress. It takes a day or two to calm down and get over it, I usually try and do things to that I know will make me feel better. For example, I have a nap, watch a film or series that I love, take the dogs out, be with good friends.. etc That usually helps me feel a bit better, sometimes I even look at letters that I’ve got that are written in the correct details, to remind myself that it was just this one letter that was fucked up.

Other then that I’m doing good, just been really tired and achy this week as I’ve been over doing it a bit. Generally my mood has been really good, I think the testosterone has a lot to do with that I think.

Week 24 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan

Quick catch up – Big News

I haven’t posted for a while as my head hasn’t been in the best place for the last few months or so because I’ve been dealing with so much bullshit. But a few things have changed since the last time I posted, so things are moving forward slowly.

My biggest piece of news is that I finally won my PIP case and its all sorted, which is a massive relief. On the flipside of that I have to reapply for ESA next April/May and my PIP in September. I’m trying not to worry about it too much but its hard not to as I’ve been through 14 months of hell with PIP. I am just trying to concentrate on the now and getting through this coming “Joyful” season.

So that’s my main news, its a bit bittersweet but hey such is life. My other good news is that I finally have an appointment at Southampton General Hospital to see a Vasculitis specialist in January and it couldn’t come sooner, I’ve been waiting for a long long time for this to be sorted out. I know exactly what I want and need out of this appointment, so I am almost bursting to get there and start getting the ball rolling.

I’ve also had an appointment through for the endocrinologist and that’s in March. They’ve already started me on Vitamin D tablets as my levels are really low and they need them to be at a certain level before I can start hormones. So super excited for this appointment but I know that until I come off my steroids I cannot start hormones, which is why the Southampton appointment is so important.

I think that’s all the big stuff that’s been going on over the last few months. My head has been all over the place recently, so its hard to remember things. My mood has been up and down as well but I am starting to feel a bit more settled now.

This is just the tip of the iceberg really, there’s tons of other stuff that I haven’t even mentioned but I will try and post again soon.

Peace out

Batman

Don’t listen to that little dark voice.

A lot has changed in 3 days, a good kind of change though. I’m feeling much better then I did when I last posted on Wednesday. I am much more articulate now and I am able to write a decent sentence…Well I hope so anyway.

On Thursday I wasn’t going to go to my LGBT mental health group, I just didn’t want to go. The little dark voice was whispering in my ear saying “don’t go” “you’ll have a better day at home” “you don’t need that group anyway” etc you get the picture, the depression whispering lies into my ear constantly, trying to keep me at home, keeping me away from people, keeping me from helping myself to push through and feel better. Because the dark voice disappears if I ignore him, so he shouts as loud as he can for as long as he can, until the little ray of light starts talking sense, telling me that there is hope and I will feel better again.

That little ray of light gets louder and stronger the more I pushed on with my day. He got a little louder after I had my breakfast, a little louder still after having a shower and getting dressed. The dark voice was shouting too both in equal measure, my head was so loud but I knew what path I had to follow. I carried on and took the dogs out for a walk, I kept having to sit down as the dark voice was making my body feel so heavy and weak but I pushed through. By this point both voices were raging at each other, I was just listening to them both, both made good points. But ultimately listening to the dark voice would mean just perpetuating the liar that is depression, he would win, the only way I was going to feel better is if I listened to the light voice and went to group.

So I managed to get my stuff together, it took every fibre of my being to do this. As I walked out the front door, locking it behind me, the dark voice realised he’s lost. So he went back to whispering softly in my ear, whispering things like “you won’t have a good day” “you’re stupid” etc… :/

By the time I got on the bus, my head was fairly quite again and my whole being felt so exhausted. I kept falling asleep on the bus trip and very nearly missed my stop but I suddenly realised where I was and pressed the button to get off.

Group itself was good, I don’t remember what we did but I think that’s because it was such a huge battle to just get there, I struggled to be present. But I was there, I stayed, I participated as much as I could and I felt better as a result.

I still didn’t feel 100% better but I felt more myself for going out. I had a good evening, I made myself dinner, played with the pups while waiting for my food shopping, snacked on a peanut butter and syrup sandwich and went to bed.

Friday I went to the Weymouth LGBT mental health group and again it was a bit of a battle to get up and ready, but the struggle wasn’t nearly as bad as the day before. So it just goes to show that my mood was on the way back to normality again.

As always the journey there and back was good and the session itself was good. I think I’ve been going to that group for about a year now, which is cool and makes me proud πŸ™‚

Got home from group about 6pm, I was so tired but I took the pups out for a quick wee and run. When we got back in I stripped off, my binder was hurting so off that came, jeans came off and were replaced by joggy bottoms, although if it was warmer I would just be walking about in boxers and top…but its still too cold for that unfortunately.

I had no energy or motivation to do anything, so I flopped onto the sofa, narrowly missing Harley and Foxy who were both on the sofa, waiting for attention. I reclined both sides of the sofa and I was soon surrounded by all four of my fur babies, I didn’t however appreciate scrappy standing on my back because he’s so freaking heavy! It was nice though, I spent about an hour just laying in silence, with my babies all round me.

Managed to muster up the energy to make myself some dinner which was nice. I just spent the evening watching tv and chatting to friends online.

Today the sun was out and it was like a cool spring day, its been so nice. Before I could go and enjoy the sunshine, I did the housework as its been a bit neglected this week due to my low mood . I felt better for doing it and the place no longer smelt of stinky cat litter, which isn’t a good smell.

I got myself together and I took the dogs for a walk and we went on the longer route. I thought it a bit ambitious of me to walk the long way and it worked out that yeah it was a bit ambitious. I kept having to sit down and resting along the way, but that was ok as I got to just sit in be in the moment.

Once again when I got in, I stripped off the chest binder and my jeans and adopted the much more comfortable joggy bottoms and I rested for a bit with my babies.

I started my dinner early as its quite a time consuming dish and didn’t want to eat too late in the night. I made myself a chicken and leek pie and it was very nice if I do say so myself. I did the washing up as I went along so it wasn’t overwhelming.

I have spent my evening playing with the animals and listening to music. Which makes a change from having the TV on all night and its been a nice change.

Recently I’ve been conscious about the amount of time I spend on my phone, laptop, ps3 and watching tv and I know that it doesn’t always have a good effect on me. So I’ve been switching off my mobile phone, not going on the laptop every night, now watching tv every day. I’ve been mixing up my routine a bit more, cuz before I would watch certain things in the day, then spend all evening with the TV on and my laptop on.

I like people not texting and talking to me all day long, sometimes I just turn my phone off and sit and play with the dogs, or do some colouring or whatever. Not having to be plugged in 24/7 is very freeing, just to sit and be in the moment and to be in whatever is going on around me is nice. It means I’m not missing out on spending quality time with friends or the animals, I’m not missing out on moments because I am not being sucked into my phone. I am learning more and more how to just be and it is difficult but I have found that if one of my senses is being occupied then I can be in the moment, being still and quiet.

I know people worry when I don’t text straight back or whatever but they don’t need to worry because I am ok, I’m just going back to basics.

So after sitting here for about 3 hours writing, well not solidly I may add, how do I feel? I feel calm, happy and connected with myself. I feel hopeful and excited to see L tomorrow for her birthday πŸ™‚

My life is by far simple but I somehow get myself through it, I will drag myself through this life kicking and screaming until the very end! I will not give up, that dark voice will NEVER win the war.

That is all for now, as my heads starting to hurt from looking at the screen. Glad I took the time to update this though, as its been a while and I always feel better for getting it all out and hopefully I will sleep peacefully tonight.

Peace out

Batman

DBT rules in times of stress

Not even sure where my head is at right now, I don’t know where to start or what even was right about today! Ok maybe it wasn’t THAT bad but my buttons were pushed today and I did get mega angry and stressed. I am a lot calmer this evening I am worried that tomorrow will be a repeat of today but I shall explain that in a bit.

I was thinking today about Tuesday when I suddenly came over feeling rather ill and it dawned on me that it wasn’t a bug because it was so short lived and a bug would have at least lasted 24 hours. I only had a bad stomach for a few hours and it was the classic symptoms of a reaction to my methotrexate! I haven’t been ill with it for a while so it didn’t click straight away. I’m glad it wasn’t a bug though.

I couldn’t sleep last night, which again is frustrating. I must have woke up at least 4 times and I was finally up by 7 am. I had something to eat, drink, showered and dressed and just straightened up the flat a bit. Took the pups out for a run for half an hour before I headed up to the doctors..

Now the trip to the doctors was a complete waste of time, the chemist had picked up my prescription for my new sharps box. I knew that once I got to the chemist that they would not have the right box as the box I need they do not stock. So the anger and frustration rises. I dropped my full sharps box and the doctors and headed back into town to the chemist.

Got to the chemist and not to my surprise at all they had the wrong size sharps box! Right colour but it was small and it only fits a few of my pens in it and that is at a push. Anger rises while talking to the chemist! I said in future that they are NOT to pick up and prescription for my sharps boxes because they do not stock the right ones and if the receptionists do not write the right prescription I can sort it out there and then at the doctors.

I then had to ring the doctors up and try and explain the situation without totally losing my shit! Which I did but I was so fucking angry and frustrated with them that I just couldn’t hold back the tears, I was that angry I cried! and I’ve not been that angry in a long time. She said she’d sort something out and to ring her back later, at that point in time there was NO FUCKING WAY! I was speaking to any of them again today!

I just sat on the sofa shaking, trying to choke back the tears as it wasn’t long till I was leaving for group and I did not want red eyes. I ended up just sucking my thumb to calm myself down, I totally zoned out just to briefly escape those intense feelings and to let it die down a bit before dealing with it again. I used my DBT skills in a very skilful way to get my feet back on the ground after being on the ceiling and it was really effective.

I composed myself and got myself ready to go to group. On the bus trip there the events of the morning kept going over in my head but I just tried to concentrate on listening to my music and looking out of the window.

Group was good, well the teaching part we were talking about grief. We looked at Worden’s 4 tasks of grief and it was really interesting, sadly we didn’t get through it all but I still have the handout that I might finish reading at some point. Some of the group dynamic stresses me out though and I did text M right after group saying that if she was talking to a certain person because another person had complained then I wanted the chance to have my say on the situation but if I was way off then to ignore me. She didn’t or hasn’t replied just yet but I feel some tensions in the group and it’s hard to find it enjoyable when there are such tensions present and as usual it it involves the same circle of people…so I left group just as stressed as when I went. Which sucks but it’s not going to be perfect when you have a group of people with mental health issues and or learning disabilities.

I was quite glad to get home to my happy pups and my kitty cats πŸ™‚ they are always happy and stress free. I took the pups across the road for half an hour to run about and play.

I had calmed down enough to ring the doctors back up and sort out another prescription to pick up tomorrow. I then had to go down to the chemist to stress to them NOT TO PICK UP THE PRESCRIPTION FOR MY SHARPS BOX! or I may just fucking explode! So fingers crossed for tomorrow and everyone does what they are meant to do and I should be coming home stress free with the RIGHT! sharps box.

Had myself some dinner, just did some little potatoes, beans and cheese πŸ™‚ filled a lil hole.

Spent the rest of this evening chilling, watching some films and taking hours to write this whole story out lol!

I am feeling very tired and my legs are really achy again today but I’m not as angry as I was this morning, just apprehensive about getting my sharps box sorted tomorrow but now use me stressing now because I now cannot control what happens tomorrow.

Going to take the pups out in a min and then get to bed. No solid plans for tomorrow but I could really just use a day to chill. But we shall see.

Peace out

Batman

Mega Lazy Sunday

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLexgOxsZu0

Bruno Mars – The lazy song, this has totally been my song ALL day πŸ™‚

I have done nothing all day long and man I totally needed to just veg out and stay in and rest.

I feel totally rested and happy, that’s all I really have to say. I just watched Orange is the new black and now I am starting from season 1 again. Played a few hours of Lego Batman 3 too, totally loving that game!

Got the doctors first thing tomorrow morning for bloods, I have 2 more blood forms and if they can’t do it there then I’ll have to go to hospital to have it done. I’ll probably take the pups out in the afternoon and I have the trans* group social in the evening. So that should be a good day.

Took some pictures of myself the other day and I was feeling fly and felt so good and I looked like a guy πŸ™‚Β woop! totally noticing that small changes in myself, I feel so much more confident and I even keep getting mixed up when I’m talking to people about my transition, like I keep saying M – F ….LOL! It’s good I suppose because well I am a boy through and through.

I have now lost a total of 2 stone! (28lbs) back to my original weight. Hoping to lose a little more. Feeling fly! totally loving it!

Just feeling so freaking goodΒ πŸ˜€

Peace out

Batman

Family BBQ

Last night I didn’t get to sleep till gone 2 am πŸ™‚ and I slept pretty well.

Slept until gone 9 am, got up had breakfast and fell back to sleep on the sofa until like 12/1 pm lol…I totally needed it though.

Just chilled out listening to music and stuff, eventually got showered and dressed and that was only because I was going out, otherwise I would probably have stayed in my boxers and vest top for a few more hours lol. Totally obsessed with Lazy by Bruno Mars πŸ˜€

Spent the afternoon at my aunts house for my lil cousins 6th birthday party, we had a BBQ with the fam and that was really nice πŸ™‚ hard having people refer to me as she and using my birth name… just means I need to start telling the rest of the fam as clearly the mothership isn’t going to fucking bother or whatever. But anyway it was really nice πŸ™‚

I got in about 8:30 pm to my happy pups, so I had a piss and took the pups for a walk, as they’d been in all day. We went on our usual walk and didn’t get back until 10 and the pups have pretty much been asleep since.

Just been chilling watching tv and taken ages to write this short post lol.

My lil miss foxy girl has gunky eyes at the mo, so going to try a wet teabag on them as a home remedy before I have to take her to the vets, so I am hoping this will work.

I got NO plans for tomorrow πŸ˜€ gonna chill in my boxers ALL DAY! Nah I’ll prob take the pups out at some point, but I totally need to just relax πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

A lil bit of everything

So I’ve not blogged for a while, mainly because I’ve been busy with my buddy J who was down Fri-Mon and sort of because I’m doing well and haven’t really had much to talk about…or not needed to write about. But I thought I would do a bit of a catch up now, enjoy.

I sit here once again and it’s mid week, it’s crazy how fast time is going.

Feeling much less sick, dizzy and faint today. That is because I have made an effort for actually eat! The last few weeks I’ve lost so much weight without really doing anything and my appetite has just vanished. It’s good because I’m now not far off a healthier weight, I feel better, look better. When I my appetite lessoned I wasn’t eating much because I wasn’t hungry but that didn’t make me feel too good. So now I have been eating little and often and I’ve been trying to eat more healthy things as well, I’ve ditched drinking Pepsi when I’m at home and I’m only going to try and drink lemon squash, I need to consume more water. I’ve been eating fruit and veg and proper dinners. They’ve only been small portions but it’s better then nothing. I think my body just had a hard time adjusting from wanting to eat loads and being fed all the time to not being hungry and not being fed as often. Going to try and keep this up as I know a good diet will definitely be my friend when I stop my bipolar meds altogether. I’ve lost 16lbs so far want to loose another 14lbs that will take me down to pre quetiapine weight.

The first part of my day was spent laying on the sofa with the pups, sleeping, watching tv and just being lazy. I did get my lil butt into gear and cleaned the whole flat, which felt like it would take FOREVER because it was so messy! But it took about the same time as usual so not too bad. Ooh and I have planted my sunflower and some peppers, I want to start growing stuff out of my lil balcony πŸ™‚

I made the pups loads of ice treats with some stock and their treats, that was a bit of a balancing act getting it all in the freezer without spilling it all everywhere lol oh and making space too, it was like tetris! They love playing with ice and licking their ice treats πŸ™‚ lucky pups.

After messing about I got myself ready and rush out to get the bus, just made my appointment with like 1min to spare…phew! I was cutting it fine lol. But I had a great appointment πŸ™‚ I am going to be lazy and just copy and paste what I put on fb, saves writing it all out again.

Facebook status

Ah man binding hurts and I can’t wear it for too long… Hoping it gets easier.

Good doctors app, he’s agreed to let me continue to take doxycycline for the next 50 days, the plan after that is to have a break for a month and if I get a sinus infection after then he’s going to refer me back to my ent specialist for further investigation.

He’s going to chase up the pain clinic for me and it shouldn’t be too much longer till I get a letter to book an appointment with a new bone doc at Poole hospital.

He’s happy with my weight loss and he’s glad I’m doing really well coming off the quetiapine.

He’s been on the Charing cross website and found it extremely helpful. He’s half way through the referral as he said it’s huge! But I should hear from them in the next 8-12 weeks and after my initial appointment with them he’s happy to talk about me getting a full hysterectomy. And he’s just so happy that I’m doing well

So yeah! Here is to the future, I cannot wait for the next steps in all of it.

And binding does hurt, I can’t bind for too long. It makes me back and chest hurt… It can be very dangerous, so I’ve got to be really sensible about it.

Spent some time out with the pups this evening, just sat in the sun on the grass, watching them run about playing πŸ™‚ wish I could stay in those moments forever. So at peace, happy, content, bliss ❀

Been thinking about my dad lately, he’s been on my mind. Maybe because he’s close with me right now, I don’t know. But I miss him so so much! My heart hurts when I think about him not being here, I hate not being able to ring and talk to him or see him. The pain never goes, it just gets easier to deal with. I would do anything to be with him again. But he will forever and always be in my heart and soul ❀ I love you daddy and I miss you so much that words just can’t describe it.

I’ve just been putting some new music on my phone, as I was getting bored with what was on there.

Group tomorrow, so looking forward to it πŸ™‚

Over all this boy is good πŸ™‚ super nervous and excited about tomorrow being my last day on quetiapine…Hopefully I can do this without meds.

Peace out

Batman

Guy styling :)

I got my boy hair cut! And I must say that I look very handsome πŸ˜‰ lol.

After I had posted last night, I sorted myself and the pups out for bed. I love my bed lol πŸ™‚ I slept well a good solid 8 hours. It’s so nice to sleep like a normal person, like a normal amount and it not being a drug induced sleep. Some mornings I wake up feeling like I’ve actually slept, when I was taking a higher dose of quetiapine I used to always wake up feeling drowsy and drugged up. It’s nice to wake up feeling fairly with it, obviously it depends on how my physical health is. I just feel so much better for being on a much lower dose, I think I only have a few weeks till I am on 50mgs πŸ˜€

I woke up 15 mins before my alarm went off. Had to get up earlier then I usually do before group as I had my hand physio app before group. Had time to chill, eat and watch tv. I so hate rushing first thing, always set enough time so I can take it easy as I’m not functional straight away lol! I need to wake up slowly. Had my chocolate lucky charms for breakfast, got myself showered and dressed. Took the pups over for a nice run for 20 mins, it was sort of sunny today and the sun helps with a lil energy boost.

I brought the pups back and got them all settled in the hallway, I got my stuff together and headed up to the hospital for my appointment about my little finger.

My finger appointment went well. She said it will be 9 weeks before it is fully healed and I might not be able to hyper extend it back again like I can the others :/ so that’s a bit pants as it needs to click really bad. I still haven’t got full movement and it still hurts but she’s happy for me to only wear the splint if I am out with the dogs just in case I fall and hyper extend it again. She said it will get to the point where it won’t hurt so can’t wait for that because some movements or some things I do still really hurt it. But at least it’s healing and improved a lot. She signed me off so I don’t need to see her again but she said if I need to see her again if I’m worried about anything then just to ring and book an app with her, which is good.

Made my way over to the bus stop, I was going to get to group a bit early but that was ok. I am obsessed with Taylor Swifts song Blank Space, listened to it over and over on the bus trip. Darling I’m a nightmare, dressed as a day dream – Love it! I was a bit early for group, so just chilled out listening to my music.

Group was good, although check in was LONG. I really like doing the more focused work because I tend to find it really hard to concentrate when others are talking especially as some of it is a bit the same each week and the advice that has been given hasn’t been listened to or put into place :/ it makes me question why some people attend but that is totally up to them. I attend to see people, so I am not isolated and to better my skills to help keep me well and to get support. I love this group, as this year has been so tough already I’d be lost and I probably would have self harmed and undone all my hard work without this group.

I met Z in town after group was over. We haven’t seen each other for a while, so was really good to see her. Went to the hair dressers but it was rammed so I decided not to wait. But I bumped into little Raven and his daddy, it was so sweet lil man was so surprised to see me πŸ™‚ hehe so cute. Z and I had a look in a few shops in town and chatted. I spent a voucher I got for my birthday, got two t-shirts πŸ™‚ It was nice to spend time with Z had a giggle, we went back up to the hair dressers and they weren’t so slammed, so I waited. The guy was so lovely and I explained my situation and that I want a proper guys cut and he was so great and cut it exactly how I wanted it. So pleased with it πŸ™‚ I’ll definitely be going back there. After I got sexy again lol Z and I went up to flirt and had a little sit down and a drink, I love flirt so much, such a great atmosphere and a funky lil place.

Didn’t get home till nearly 8 pm and my pups were so freaking happy lol! Bouncing all over hehe. I sorted out the pee and chewed up toys lol. I took them out for a wee and run as they’d been for longer then they are usually left on a Thursday. They were so funny tonight, racing around, bouncing all over the place. Foxy tries her best to catch up with scrappy but he’s so fast, way too fast, so she just barks at him lol! I’d love to know what she’s saying to him.

Sooooo needed a shower I HATE being all itchy after a hair cut. But my shower head has pretty much had it. I only de-scaled it the other day and it needs doing again…time for a new one me thinks. I am so lucky to live near a 24 hour shop that pretty much has everything in it. I was able to nip down and get a new one, I also a little bit accidently bought new batman boxers and I bought Leo a batman top hehe πŸ™‚

I got back in and finally had myself a nice shower and got dressed. Was chatting to my bro and he’s got a ps2 going for sale, so I said I’d have it off him. I met him outside the shop so I could get some money out for him and he came up to the flat and we hung out for a bit which was pretty cool πŸ™‚ it was nice, we need to do it more often just us two.

Didn’t get online till gone 10 pm. Haven’t had dinner tonight, not really hungry though.

Feeling pretty good today, I felt a bit grumpy this morning. Once I got going at group I was feeling much better.

Physically the pains been bad again, I think its more muscular then my joints as nothing really made it better but I do try and stretch out a bit to ease it.

Oh jeez I am tired all of a sudden. Bed very soon for me. I don’t have any plans for tomorrow, so a chill day. Or if I feel good I’ll take pups out for a walk.

Peace out

Batman

Dark passenger surfaces!

I have spent a considerable amount of time just staring blankly into the screen in hope I will be inspired..In hope my brain will make some sort of sense of today. Also been busy listening to Sia, totally obsessed with Chandelier and Breathe me. Finding it hard to concentrate tonight, keep flitting about the flat but not actually doing anything in particular..It’s just one of those days…

Yesterday my dark passenger decided it had been a while, so it came to say not to forget it was still about. Grrr, just as I think I am over the worst of my addiction. It pops its head up just to make sure I never fucking forget! BASTARD can just do one now. It was not too intense and pretty short lived. But I did however find myself trying to justify reasons to cut…and I ended up arguing with myself about it. On one had one side was saying, well one small cut just along your thumb won’t notice, it won’t matter…That argument got me really thinking…well would it matter if it was just one small cut?? No one had to know…Ok its triggering just writing this, but I need too. So yeah one small cut along my thumb, could pass it off as a cooking accident or whatever..I knew deep down it would still be real and yes it would bloody matter! and I’d be back to square one. I couldn’t do it then carry on saying I was so many months free because I would have totally cheated myself. I tried very hard to ignore the part of me that was trying to rationalise it and making it ok. But deep in my soul I knew I didn’t want to cheat myself, I do not want to go back to square one. I do not want to fail myself. I’ve come WAY too far. Dark passenger I know you are there. I will never become to that thinking again. I know you will forever be my addiction. I know I will never truly be free from you. I fucking hate that you will never be gone. But you know what you will never fucking beat me and you will never have control of my life like you did 8 years ago! You were nasty and you were strong. But the tables have turned my old friend. I am strong now! Never forget your place. I am the master of you. I am on control. Yes you will always be with me. But you will never be me. Not again. Know your place dark passenger! Maybe in the future we can part ways forever. But for now it is what it is……

So yeah that was last night and then I decided to go to bed. I think I was in bed just gone 11 pm…Now the only trouble of going to bed that early is that I have been falling asleep pretty quickly and sleeping on average about 8 hours, which apparently is what happens for normal people….wow. Yeah…I woke up at 7:30 am! I didn’t need to be up, nor really did I want to be up that early. Because it means more hours of the day that I have to deal with. GAH! However I’d woken up with a really bad headache, not sure if it would turn into a migraine or not. So I dosed up on my sumatriptan and did the very sensible thing of eating two bowls….small bowls may I add though. Of Chocolate lucky charms, I just cannot get enough of them! They are just so yummy. I then snuggled up on the sofa with the pups and Marley moo cat came and sat on my back lol and we had a lil nap till just before 10 am.

I would like to say I bounced up feeling better and ready to face the day ahead…yeah truth being, my head was still hurting a bit. So I took more pain killers, I had another bowl of chocolate lucky charms…well helps me get through lol πŸ˜€ It does honestly. Sat about a bit more…looked at the time and thought I’d better throw myself into the shower and get myself looking half decent, it takes a while. I was taking my time in the shower….I think last night was still playing on my mind. Have to be on alert again. That takes a lot of energy I don’t have….But still must press on and try and get through each day.

I had scrappy following me about most of the morning with his favourite ball in his mouth lol. Sorry boy no time for games today :/ But I took them across the road for a wee and a run. Scrappy kept picking up stones and throwing them about. Foxy wasn’t happy about being dragged out, so I had to keep encouraging her to keep going and chase scrappy etc. We got in and I had a little time to kill, so I sorted my bag out and played fetch with scrappy for a bit.

Headphones in, music on, bag on back, cap on, hood up, keys, wallet! Boom ready. Off I go to group. I love sitting on the bus just getting lost in my music.

Group was good. Hard going in some parts but I stuck with it. Some weeks do feel frustrated as I don’t feel I get as much out of it as I want too, sometimes I want to walk out because I get bored when I have to listen for a long time. But people listen to be blab on lol so that would be rude to leave. Just have to learn to sit with things. I try and be present too and not zone out but that’s also hard. Sitting still and being quiet is hard…I just feel itchy like I need to move. I’m getting better because I had to be still at lot at group for DBT. But its still an uncomfortable feeling for me. When I write my blog it takes me a long time and its not always written in one go. Most of the time I am up and down, fiddling about with various things…yeah being still isn’t one of my strengths, either is being quiet for long periods. I can almost feel is all bubbling up inside like I’m going to explode lol! Some weeks I can deal with it better then others. I think this week has been such a mixed bag and I’ve not really expressed myself well in my blogs lately. It’s just been day to day what I’m doing. I need to get more involved in writing the emotional side of my life. But sometimes that’s hard when I’ve had a bad pain day because I am just exhausted in so many ways..anyway I digress. Right yes group was good. Got a lot out of it. πŸ™‚

Home and scrappy hasn’t destroyed anything! Yay nor has he peed or pooped anywhere. Woohoo! Slowly getting there.

I got them ready and took them straight out for a run. Scrappy needed to burn off energy and they both needed to pee and poop. It was bloody freezing! But I tried to say out for about 15 mins. But coming home to a warm flat makes it better.

Got my dinner sorted as time was getting on and I was hungry. Dinner was good, ate it all and pups and the cat had Β some chicken too πŸ™‚

So this evening how has it been spent…well it started off with being wrapped up as it was cold tonight. I currently sit here in my pj top, socks and boxers lol! I got hot…what can I say, I am starting to get cold now.

Wow its 1:20 am! How the hell did that happen…I started writing nearly 2 hours ago. Well they say that good work takes time πŸ˜‰

Ooooh I nearly bloody forgot something important that has had my lil cogs ticking and I’ve spent time looking things up. So I was talking to M who runs group, I think I was talking about finding reading things overwhelming like official things, paper work etc. And the topic of dyslexia came up…may I just say that’s a stupid fucking word for people who can’t spell etc. She noticed that when I fill in forms I can’t write in a straight line. I’ve NEVER been able too. I always put that down to being left handed. I got LOTS of negative things from teachers at school about my hand writing and its because I’m left handed etc. But M said she does the same, can’t write in a straight line because she’s dyslexic too. So all evening I’ve been thinking about how I read and write, I’ve looked up about it as well and I did a free test online YES I KNOW ITS NOT OFFICIAL! But a lot of the symptoms and what people who are dyslexic do and yeah its makes sense as to why writing my blog takes so long, why my concentration is so poor. I re-word a sentence a few times until I am sure it will make sense to others and not just myself lol and some words even small words takes me a few goes to get the letters in the right order..it all kind of makes sense now. So I am not just getting stupid. I think I’ve got away with it because I’m not stupid…I was able to keep up. Plus I missed lots of school because of my health, so I probably slipped through the cracks. But yeah it makes a lot of sense. Another one to add to my ever growing list of issues! I’m not going to pursue getting an official diagnosis…well I don’t think there would be a real point in it. I don’t really want an official label. It’s just good to make sense of me.

Wow long blog today! I need to get this body to bed soon. Everything is starting to hurt, I need to rest my mind and body πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman