Self Care

I’ve not written much about self care recently, as after surgery self care was kinda a given. I had to listen to my body and look after myself.

Recently I haven’t been feeling great, I’ve been feeling absolutely exhausted and generally just been feeling unwell, but not enough to definitely say I have an infection or something. It maybe a delayed reaction to surgery. But I see my specialist tomorrow morning so I’m hoping to get more answers.

So because of feeling so exhausted all , I’ve been listening to my body and resting and sleeping when I’ve needed too. Which sometimes is a little frustrating as I feel like I’ve wasted a day. But self care isn’t a waste of time.

Today I’ve been resting and sleeping, as I’ve felt so exhausted. I eventually got up and did the housework which always makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something.

Took the dogs out for a quick wee, it’s been so grey and miserable today. Despite that I decided to go into town. I got myself some frankincense essential oils, as it’s meant to help relax the chest and help with colds and infections. I went to lush to take in my old pots in exchange for a free pot of face mask stuff, I also got myself a shower bomb too. I then went to Asda to get a few things.

I could have easily just gone to Asda, but I knew I needed to get out for a bit. Even if it was just to a couple of places.

I’m pleased I treated myself to some self care things 🙂 It’s important to me to look after myself and my needs. It’s keeps me relatively well, physically and mentally.

It’s important to slow down and listen to what your body needs. You only have one body, there is only one you.

Certain self care aspects of my days are non negotiable, like taking my meds in the morning and evening, making sure I sleep when I need too, eating as and when I feel hungry, putting my incense sticks on in the morning and evening, doing housework every other day, attending appointments. There are more I could list but it would take a while.

I’m feeling pretty exhausted now, so I’m going to wrap it up. I’m not sure this blog will make much sense lol.

Peace out

Zak

Dealing with disassociation – with self care

Schedule for tomorrow, this helps so much with disassociation and trying to get some stuff done. It’s mostly dependent on weather, pain and energy levels. I’m hoping I don’t feel as wiped out tomorrow so Scrappy and I can get out for a good walk, I may take Fox if it’s not too cold.

For me this is a form of self care whilst helping me stay in the moment. But I always make sure how I’m feeling before doing anything, so that my physical health is also taken into consideration, as well as my mental health.

I’m hoping I can get out and walk the dogs tomorrow as I was so wiped out this weekend because of the pneumonia jab I had Friday, but if I still need another day to rest and recover the that’s ok too, I have other low energy things that need to be done at some point as well.

I never put pressure on myself to complete everything and in the time scales I’ve set. It’s more of a reminder of what I need and want to do and having a rough time scale helps. If I manage everything then brilliant, it does make me feel good and even if I don’t manage everything but do a few things then that’s great as well and also makes me feel good because at least I’ve done something. But if I don’t manage anything at all because I’m in too much pain or too exhausted or both then that’s also absolutely fine too, because resting and doing nothing is as good as being productive because it’s still extremely important self care

Peace out

Zak

Living with a chronic illness – Hospital appointments

I’ve not written about my physical health for a while, but in the last week I’ve had 3 hospital appointments which was crazy! They’re like buses all come at the same time!

The first hospital appointment was Wednesday 16th Jan was my first physiotherapy appointment and it went really well. He gave me some exercises to do, which I’ve been doing most days. I know I need to do them everyday, but I’m feeling overwhelmed at the moment, so most days is better then non. He basically said that physio and insoles in my shoes will be something I need for the rest of my life because I am on the higher end of the scale for hyper-mobility, of which he said I score 9/9 which wasn’t really news to be. But I came away feeling happier, it seems like I will have continual care regarding physio, which isn’t something I’ve had before and its something I feel I will need for a while in order for me to make sure I’m doing my exercises and that its continuing to help with the chronic pain. He said where my muscles and ligaments are fairly weak from the hyper-mobility, these regular exercises will help strengthen them in hopes that is will help the main areas of my chronic pain, which is lower back, hips, knees and ankles. Overall a good appointment, my next one is in March so I have sometime to do my best with these exercises.

This Wednesday 23rd I has 2 hospital appointments in the same day, which made for an incredibly long, exhausting day.

My first appointment was at Christchurch hospital at 11 am and that was for Rheumatology, as soon as I got there I saw the nurse and she came over and said hello to me, I asked her if she needed a pee sample as I was bursting to go! and she said yeah sure that would be helpful and got me a sample point so I could go. I waited for about 10 mins for my appointment, as I was a bit early. Man its so bloody hot in hospitals! I was all wrapped up in a million jumpers as it was cold outside and had to take them all off when I sat down, for fear of boiling to death! When she had finished up with her previous patient she called me in. She’s quite a young nurse, I think she’s around my age (I’m 33) or a bit younger, she’s so easy to talk to and we talked about everything from my physical health to my transition. Which is great to have a nurse ask questions and actually be interested in me as a whole person. She’s going to ask me physio to write me a letter for the gender clinic re top surgery, as its something I forgot to ask him when I saw him. I said that the physio had said my posture needs correcting and I explained to her, my posture is bad because I often roll my shoulders in and hunch my back to hide my chest as I don’t bind very often and I explained that having top surgery would correct my posture because I wouldn’t have to be always hiding my chest. I asked if he could write a letter in support of top surgery as it may help push things along, she was very understanding and said it makes total sense. The plan is to have a dexa scan (bone density scan) to check my bones, as my last dexa was in 2016, so I’m due a scan. She also agreed its time to see how well I do coming off steroids, as I’ve been on them half my life and its time to see if I can remain well off them. The plan is to go from 5mgs to 4mgs for 4 weeks, longer if I don’t feel great. She said to go which how I’m feeling and then after that go down to 3mgs for 4 weeks and by then I’ll be seen by her again to catch up with how everything is going. I start on the lowered dose tomorrow, I’m a bit nervous, as I know its not going to make me feel so great to start with but I’ll stick with it. Overall another great appointment.

I got the bus into town and I had some time to kill and I was hungry, I decided to treat myself and I went to a ice cream parlour, where I had a Oreo waffle, covered in chocolate sauce, crumbled Oreos and toffee ice cream. I couldn’t eat it all but it was sooo nice and very much needed, seeing as I’d been up since 6:45am!

I got the next bus to Poole hospital and this was an ENT – ears, nose and throat appointment. My appointment was at 2:30pm and I got there 10 mins early and again MAN it was so freaking hot in there! They ran 50 mins late, I was so exhausted and getting a bit agitated because I was hot and wanted to go home. But it was worth the wait and thank god for our NHS we are so lucky to have it. This was a new ENT doc to me, she was super nice and easy to talk too and had clearly read my notes which was great. There were a couple of students in there, observing appointments, I love having students in my appointments because these young people will be looking after me when I’m older and if they are interested in specialising in rare medical conditions then I am definitely all for it! I’ve had meetings with rooms full of doctors, I’m always participating in studies where the hospital shares my tests results ets, I’ve spoken to many student doctors and nurses over the years and I think its really important for them to be observing and learning different aspect of patients that in the future will be their patients. I digress, but its an important point. We had a brief chat about my medical history and asked how I’m currently doing, as to which I said I’m doing well although I’ve had quite a blocked nose recently but I think that’s to do with the cold weather and going from hot to cold environments. She saw me at her voice clinic, so she could have a look up my nose and down to my vocal chords. It was pretty cool to see it on the screen, as she recorded it so I could have a look. She was surprised that I don’t have a hole in my septum, as that is often a symptom of my condition, which as a reminder is called Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis/Churg Strauss syndrome, so that’s good news! She was also surprised that I have no irreparable damage up my nose, vocal chords or wind pipe, despite the fact I’ve had my wind pipe chemically widened a few times in my late teens early 20’s. She said everything looks great and it shows that my condition has been well controlled over the years. She agreed to see me again in 6 months to touch base but if I need anything in between then I can call and see her sooner if I need too. Again despite the long wait, it was worth it.

I”m really happy with how things are going for me health wise at the moment, I have a great team of doctors looking after me and I feel listened too which for me is so important and I also feel involved in my care, which is something I’ve not had before, mainly because I was 14/15 at the time I of my diagnosis.

The long day didn’t hit me until Friday afternoon. Friday morning my mum came round at 9:30 am, she helped me sort out the curtains in the bedroom as I had just thrown them up years ago, they’re too long and I’d not pulled the string through so they were really baggy at the top. She showed me how to do all that which was cool as they look better now. We went to a cafe, for a drink and a scone which was nice. She dropped me back and I went for my testosterone shot at 12pm. After I walked home, I got the dogs ready to go out (didn’t leave straight away) and as it was nice sunny and fairly warm, we got the bus to Hamworthy park. It was such a nice walk, at one point I was sat on the bench watching scrappy running in and out of the sea and foxy just wandering about with the warm sun hitting my face, just perfect. We got back about 3:40, scrappy had to have a shower as he was covered in sand. I fully reclined both sides of my sofa, covered it with blankets, did up the hot water bottles and ordered some lunch/dinner. After I’d eaten a wave of tiredness came over me, I snuggled up on the sofa with the dogs and the cats and I think I fell asleep for about 2 hours. It was so needed, I’d felt exhausted all day but it didn’t really hit me till I stopped and that exhaustion lasted till Saturday.

Its funny I don’t always feel the effects of a long day like that, till a couple of days later. But I’m feeling better today, although that may change this week when I start lowering the steroids!

That’s it for now,

Peace out

Zak

Vasculitis sucks! – living with a chronic illness

Yesterday was so long and exhausting, not only did I have to go to Christchurch hospital but I also had to go to the chemist in Bournemouth hospital… but that’s a whole other story.

Yesterday I saw a vasculitis nurse because I’ve been having nosebleeds and I’ve had a chesty cough for a few weeks.

But this nurse wasn’t qualified to write a prescription and she wasn’t qualified to listen to my chest. It was all very frustrating because as my bloods, blood pressure and pee sample we’re all fine there wasn’t much she could do…

So she ended up calling in my Doctor to listen to my chest, which of course was clear. But he gave me a prescription for antibiotics as I have been coughing up green crap so that’s indicative of an infection, but I have no other real signs then that. He also is going to refer me to another ENT doctor as my current one is a jerk! Last time I saw him I was really ill but because my nose looked fine then I must be fine… so hopefully a new ENT doc will be more thorough.

The only good thing the nurse did notice with me is that I’m not steady on my feet and she asked me questions about my legs and I explained my knees bend back and both knees turn in and as a child I had my shoes built up by the hospital and had special in souls made as well, but I’ve had nothing as an adult other then physio on my legs. So she’s going to refer me to a physiotherapist, which is cool and a pediatrist to have a look at me, although I’m not sure in souls will fix this problem but we’ll see what happens. I’ve had problems since with my legs since I was born so I’m not sure how much these appointments will help, but I can only go and see.

After I got my prescription they said I needed to go to the boots in Bournemouth, so I assumed they meant in town, but what they didn’t say was they meant Bournemouth hospital.

I got to the boots in town and they said I needed to go to Bournemouth hospital. I was so angry because by that point I’d been up since 6 am, out since 7:45 am and it was now midday and I was absolutely exhausted and in so much pain with my joints.

I had to wait for half an hour for the bus and when I got to the hospital I was waiting for about 25 mins for my meds.

I didn’t have to wait too long for the bus back but that took an hour. M

I slept for a bit when I got in, which was much needed.

I’m hoping the antibiotics work and my chest feels better and hopefully these nose bleeds will stop.

On top of all that my gender dysphoria was bad but I’ll leave that for another blog.

Peace out

Zak

Meh…

So it has been over a week since I last posted and that’s mainly because I’ve been ill with a sinus infection but my mood has also been pretty low too.

I don’t really know where to start, its been such a long week or so and so much has happened.

Fri 26th Feb – Harley got spayed and chipped, everything went really well and she’s healing nicely 🙂 so proud of my gorgeous girlie.

27th Feb – L, the boys and the pups came over. We went for a walk and then came back to mine and chilled out. Had my nephew Leo for a few hours in the evening.

28th Feb –  Had F and Benny over for the afternoon and I cooked us a meal from scratch which was hard work but really nice.

29th Feb – Feeling so ill.. Harley had a check up at the vets and is healing fine.

1st March – Feeling so ill…Mother came over but luckily my bro came over too with Leo, which made her visit a lot easier to deal with as I just played with Leo. She gave me my birthday present..she gave me some money and a top..from the fucking woman’s section! She’s such a fucking dick! She did the washing up though. That’s the last time I reply to her though, I don’t  want her anywhere near me any more. I did have a good evening though as E came over and we had pizza and she bought me a birthday cake and presents 🙂 so at least I had a good evening.

2nd – My 31st Birthday! Feeling so ill and full of snot! But I had a good day L came over with boo and the pups which was cool and she spoilt me loads 🙂 We just chilled out watching Disney films as I was feeling too ill and tired to do anything else. I had another friend H.A pop over late afternoon which was nice. Didn’t do anything special in the evening, just the usual.

3rd – Feeling so ill, felt far too ill to go to group. So I stayed at home all day, I did manage to take the pups to baiter, not really because I wanted to but cuz the pups needed to go out for a good run. Played some of my new Lego Movie game which was cool.

4th – Still poorly but I ordered antibiotics Tuesday and picked them up, pretty much instantly felt better after taking them. Just rested all day again.

5th – Went over to L’s in the afternoon, I gave her her mother days present from the boys 🙂 just chilled out all day which was nice.

6th – Tried to distract myself all day, fucking stupid mothers day! Played on my ps3, played with Lego..just doing stuff…felt so bored and restless 😦

7th – Exhausted, took ages to do anything but I did mange to do laundry and the housework. Had my nephew in the evening for a few hours which was nice.

8th- Had to sort out the fucking bank AGAIN! Didn’t do much in the day. Had my trans group therapy session which was a good session.

9th – I’ve done fuck all! Well I got showered and dressed and cooked dinner. F and Benny came over for a bit which was nice and she gave me my birthday present 🙂 a top that says master builder which is so cool!

So yeah a brief overview of my life, not very exciting.

Having the sinus infection effected my mood and my appetite. My mood is still low and I’ve only just got my eating/appetite back on track. I can eat again without gagging! Urgh I hate this bullshit going around and around in circles!

Fed up of it all…Meh.

Batman

Over did it – catch up

I’ve not posted for a week and that’s because I’ve been so busy, I haven’t really stopped until today. Its been great and I’ve been having a good time but I’ve totally over done it and I feel so awful today, so exhausted.

I’ll do a quick catch up of what I’ve been up too this week.

Wednesday – I don’t really remember much from this day as its so long as. But I remember I had to stay in for someone to come and lower my shower pole, so I can now reach it when sat on my shower stool. I rang up the RSPCA to get a voucher to get Harley Spayed and microchipped. I think I just relaxed and pottered about the flat, doing the housework and laundry.

Thursday – This day was SO long! I saw my bone doc in the morning and WOW that was a real shit appointment and I really despise her!

This was my FB status about it..

I really dislike my bone doc. She doesn’t listen and she doesn’t care! I asked for my whole condition/symptoms to be reviewed and she kept asking me what I meant… If I want my hyper mobility looked into I have to ask my gp to refer me to some genetic place in Southampton… She wasn’t really clear about this.

She’s still banging on about coming off steroids… So in a few weeks after my blood results today I get to start azathioprine and it that goes well then she wants to start lowering steroids again…

My bloods are all negative and have been for ages but it doesn’t explain my constant sinus infection, the chronic pain and fatigue…
And she just put the burst blood vessel in my finger down to steroids and again she didn’t even take a close look, she just glanced at it.
I really dislike her.

But I didn’t write that she wanted to examine me, which is fine and I am totally used to that. So I took off my jumper and jeans but she asked me to take my off so she could listen to my chest…I refused too as she can listen to my chest without me being completely undressed. She did listen to my chest with my top still on but that’s not the point, she was totally out of order. She’s knows I’m trans and she obviously has no understanding and no desire to understand. Needless to say my gender dysphoria was horrific afterwards.

After that I headed straight to group, which was cool as usual 🙂

http://www.dorsetmind.org.uk/

I went and had fuzzy hair cut an styled, so I look much better now 🙂 I always feel so good after a haircut.

Met L and Boo Boo in town for a bit and then took Boo Boo home with me. Got home, sorted out Boo’s stuff, played with him for a bit, cooked us dinner, took pups for a wee, played a bit more and then put Boo to bed. I just spent the evening relaxing and watching tv.

Friday – Albert had me up early, so we went into the lounge and I put frozen on for him and I napped on the sofa for a bit, I wasn’t ready to be up at 7 am! But after that I was totally ready and we both had breakfast, Frozen was put on for a 2nd time and then we both had a shower an got dressed.

Took the pups for a quick wee and run around, which Boo Boo had fun playing with the pups. Dropped the pups home and Boo’s pushchair and walked over to the park, where we played for about an hour. I had to then bribe him into walking to a shop I needed to go to, I said I’d buy him chocolate if he left the park.

We just chilled out in the afternoon, doing lots of colouring and watching Disney films, he really got into Tangled which is one of my favourite films. I love Disney so I didn’t mind spending all afternoon watching them with Boo.

Boo and I had dinner and it was actually nice to have dinner with someone, rather then cooking for just myself. I did have to encourage him to eat it though, as he’s two and a half now and definitely asserting his right to say no, I don’t like it! Plus his taste buds are changing too, he’s gone from eating anything to very little, although he will eat chocolate all day every day lol.

We chilled out after dinner, playing with his dinosaurs and cars. He then asked me to read his book so he could go to bed, it was so sweet. Again in the evening I just spent clearing up and then relaxing.

Saturday – Boo had me up at 7:30 am..wanting to watch Frozen again! While he was doing that I had a little sleep on the sofa, as I do not do early mornings.

Again he wanted a shower with me and when we got dressed we both had Batman t-shirts on 🙂 Took the pups for a wee and a run across the road, so Boo had fun playing with them. He’s so good with the dogs, its so cute.

Boo and I had some lunch, I got his stuff together and cleaned up a bit. Then got the bus and dropped him off with his dad’s family, as L was still really ill and needed a little more time to recover.

I went over to see L and Harvey and as soon as I walked in Harvey was showing me his minecraft and what he’s been building, which is pretty cool actually. I took Arnie around the block for a quick walk and wee.

Headed home and while I was sat on the bus I had a migraine start…and I didn’t have any sumatriptan left!! While I was walking home, through town I nipped into the chemist and bought some sumatriptan, got in and stripped off, got into my pjs, took my Tramadol and got into bed. I hate migraines so much, all I can do is sleep when I get one.

I slept for an hour, I then had dinner, got a shower, got dressed into my new fancy shirt and jeans, took the pups for a quick wee and then E picked me up for J’s birthday party.

It was such a good night, I talked to loads of new people. I even got into a club without being asked for I.D which is great as I don’t have I.D lol!

Sunday – I got up quite early considering I got to sleep quite late. Did my usual morning stuff, got me and the pups ready and got the bus over to L’s.

We spent all day there which was cool, I went out and got some food shopping, I took the pups around the block for a wee. Then chilled out for a bit as I was so achy, probably because I was really tired. Then Harvey and I took the pups down to the park for an hour, he rode his bike as he wanted to show me how well he can do it now. So that was cool just spending some time with me and him, gave L a chance to have a lil snooze. When dinner was ready I sorted it all out. Afterwards I fixed the nob on her slow cooker as she’d managed to melt it…yeah don’t ask lol!

I think I left about half 8 pm, got home and jumped in the shower, got into bed and was sound asleep by 10:40pm.

Monday – I woke up quite early, ate a packet of jaffa cakes and got back into bed until lunch time…I totally needed it. Did the housework and laundry, took the pups for a wee. Sorted out my meds for the week, sorted out my list of what’s going on for the week. Then in the evening I went to the Breakfree trans group social. Which as always was a good laugh, even if it was just the 3 of us lol.

Today – I woke up this morning and I didn’t feel good, I hurt all over, I felt weak and tired, my nose was all blocked. So I just had some breakfast and went back to bed until lunchtime.

Dragged myself into the shower, then got dressed and took the pups for a wee but it started raining, so we came back and I got into my joggy bottoms, as I was still so achy and feeling delicate. Spent the afternoon catching up with X-files and Gotham, while I went through the box of Lego Harvey gave me. Most of it was just random bits and fake Lego, so chucked that out and I was left with a handful of real Lego bits. I then decided to sort through my Lego into bags of their colours.

I did go out for a bit to get electric and to pay my rent, I needed to stretch my legs a bit. Also went to Asda chemist to re-order more meds.

Just been relaxing this evening, had dinner, ordered my food shopping and caught up with emails and stuff.

How do I feel right now? I’m exhausted, I’m achy and I do feel frustrated with all my health crap because it gets my down so much. I feel ok-ish just a bit low but nothing I can’t handle.

Tomorrow I am meeting my Nan and Grandad for the first time since I wrote “that” letter. I’m a bit nervous about it especially as I’m physically not feeling great and not on top form. I’m sure it will be ok…

The mothership text me the other day and asked if she was seeing my for my birthday (which is next week) and I just said I don’t know and she said ok. To be honest no I don’t want to see her but she’s not getting the hint. Whatever though.. she’s a stress I don’t need in my life right now. She’s a negative influence in my life, that sounds awful as she gave birth to me, but regarding me emotionally she hasn’t put an ounce of anything into me. Yes I was always, fed, clothed and had a roof over my head but my emotional needs were never met. Anyway its just a complicated situation and I don’t want her in my life.

Little Harley is booked in this Friday to get spayed and chipped 😦 got to starve her from 8 pm Thursday night. Going to miss her, she’s not been away from me since I’ve had her.

Overall I have been doing ok considering everything I deal with on a daily basis, it is a struggle and it is hard. But I keep pushing through cuz daddy didn’t raise no quitter!

As usual I do have loads of pictures but I shall do that in a separate post.

Peace out

Batman

Chronic pain and fatigue

Days like today just reinforces my limitations of daily life. Yesterday was great fun but today I could barely drag my body around. All my anger towards this illness surfaces on days like today and I’ve got to try and “deal/process” it which is incredibly hard, especially as I’ve had zero emotional support surrounding my physical health issues.

Before I carry on I’ll have a quick update about the last few days.

Sunday – Didn’t really do anything just slept a lot, I was hurting from head to toe. I did go to my brothers for a few hours for dinner, which was nice. When I got home I spent a little time on the laptop but then spent the rest of the evening playing Lego Jurassic world.

Monday – I struggled to get going in the morning, I managed to drag myself around to do the housework and have a shower. Just in time for my friend to drop her boy over, for some boy time. We took the pups out for a quick wee, went and got some biscuits and then spent the rest of the time watching cartoons 🙂 which is a morning well spent in my mind.

In the afternoon I met L and the boys, went for a short walk. It was too cold to go far. They spent the rest of the day at mine, we played with the pups, watched Frozen and did some colouring. It was so much fun, I love playing with the pups an Albert. Harvey is much harder to engage with, as all he wants to do is either play on my ps3 or play fight, which he’s starting to get far to big for now. He’s nearly 9 and getting taller and stronger, he has no interest in colouring in, or anything where you have to sit and use your imagination. I really want to find something I can get him to engage with, as otherwise I feel like he’s a bit left out. He just ends up playing by himself in his own world, but it’s such repetitive play, just the same thing over and over every single time he comes round and even when he’s at home. Its just finding something that’s not play fighting or gaming related to get him to do something else. Its really difficult because when I ask him what he wants to do, he doesn’t really know. He does have potential to do whatever he wants its just unlocking it and finding him a hobby or a different form of play. Autism is complicated, but I will not be beaten and I will get inside his lil brain to unlock him. It fascinates me so much and I really want to help get him involved when we are all playing, I want to get him included but its hard when he won’t join in.

Anyway they left about nearly an hour before I was leaving to go to my trans group social. Which was good as usual 🙂

So back to today, I woke up at 8 am had a pee and went back to sleep until half 10. I still felt really tired and so achy, as I’d ran out of Tramadol and needed to pick my prescription up from the chemist.

I barely managed to get a shower and get dressed. I dragged myself across the road to let the pups run around, I just sat on the bench watching them. I just couldn’t walk around, my whole body felt heavy and slow.

Dropped the pups home and dragged my ass down to the shop to pick up my Tramadol and got a few other bits I needed. While I was in there, I suddenly felt this weird feeling in one of my fingers, if felt like it was about to explode…it was just a burst blood vessel. So I now have a very swollen and bruised finger..urgh.

I just spent all afternoon relaxing, I did try and sleep but I just couldn’t! Which was fucking annoying, I was tired enough for a sleep but I was just in too much pain. I couldn’t get comfortable, I couldn’t relax enough 😦 stupid painsomina.

Just been binge watching things I’ve recorded on sky, whilst playing fetch with Scrappy and the laser pen with both of them, also been playing with the cats. I just sit on the floor and they all surround me 🙂 I love it. They make days like today a bit easier to deal with…well along with some cookies!

I don’t have much planned for tomorrow either, I have to wait in for someone to come and lower my shower pole for me. Its too high for me to reach when I’m sat on the stool and I can’t raise my arms above my head for too long.

I still feel extremely exhausted so another day of rest is probably a good plan. I don’t get too bored staying in these days, mainly because of the dogs but I’ve really got into gaming and all my Lego I have now. I have more hobbies and things I like to to, whereas in the past I hated being bored because I never knew what to do, I didn’t have much to do. I’m able to focus myself more now into a specific task. I hate being bored, it really effects my mood and makes it really low.

 Both my babies have bandanna’s now 😀 they look so cute!

Anyway that’s all for now, I need to rest my eyes from this screen.

Peace out

Batman

Happy, content and refreshed

The mid week slump was much needed, I was totally wiped out by Wednesday afternoon and I had to stop everything I was doing and just sleep. I think that this in part has helped with my mood, I feel good, happy and refreshed. It feels nice but a bit weird, just trying to hold onto it and not look to destroy it.

We had a really nice sunny day on Thursday, wow I felt great! So energised and happy. Even my neighbour said I look really refreshed.

It was the first day of wearing my sports bra all day and that also contributed to my good mood. It hurt like hell at the end of the day, my ribs an back ached so so much! But it was worth it, I felt great! I’m not going to wear it all day every day, will have to build up to it. Plus as its cold I can get away with wearing hoodies so my chest looks less noticeable.

Group was good on Thursday, M and I agreed that I could use the group as I did before, whilst also being a volunteer. Which is great because I get to help but also continue getting support, its a good balance.

M dropped me home, which cut loads of time of my usual journey. I got home, threw my bag on the floor, peed and grabbed the dogs and went for a walk down Baiter. It was so nice and the pups loved it, we caught the sunset which was so beautiful ❤

I was glad to have dinner already made, I just had to heat it up. I was achy and tired after walking the pups but I felt happy, I love being out with them and it was definitely worth the pain! I then played Lego Jurassic world for the rest of the evening. I’m cutting down the amount of time I spend online, just because I see so much crap on social media and it does have a negative effect on me. Plus playing my games or doing Lego feels much more productive and it makes me feel loads better then surfing the web all night.

Friday M and I went to the Weymouth group, the group met for lunch before hand and it was really nice. I couldn’t eat my lunch any quicker lol, it was so yum! The session itself went well, I really enjoy this group. M and I had quite a deep chat on the way home, which is unusual for us, it’s usually quite light and funny. But it was good though and very much appreciated.

I got in and took the dogs straight across the road for a run, I met my sister in law to pick up Leo for a few hours. They both needed a few hours without a screaming child lol…so I got him! He was tired and teething, after he played with scrappy for a bit I managed to get him off to sleep in his pushchair for an hour, so I could eat and relax.

I ate loads today, I had 3 crumpets and 2 pancakes for breakfast, I had a jacket potato for lunch, then biscuits and I had more crumpets and pancakes for dinner. Its the first day in so long that I’ve felt really hungry and have snacked between meals and I ate without even thinking about it and without it being such a huge stress.

After they picked up my lil chubs and robbed all my sweets lol! As they always do when they come over, but I hide the good stuff!! I played Lego Jurassic world for a few hours, I got sucked into and away from my head. I love it so much 🙂 makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. I’ve never completed a game 100% before, so I’m already half way through now 53% 🙂

I got to bed and sleep just after 1 am I think. I woke up at 9 am, had breakfast and went back to sleep until midday 🙂 I felt nice and refreshed, ready for another day.

Did the housework, had a shower and got dressed. Not wearing my sports bra today though, my chest bones are still recovering from wearing it all day Thursday.

Took the pups across the road for a run and wee, before walking through to high street to the bus stop. Its a Saturday so it will be busy and the last thing I need is for them to stop and poop in the street lol! Because they are small people don’t see them, I don’t like walking through the high street on a Saturday let alone with the dogs.

I took the pups to their vets appointment, just for flea treatment but I prefer to have an appointment so I remember when they are due what treatment. Mr Scrappy has put on 200gs, he’s now 6.7kgs! She said he should maximum weight now as he’s nearly 2 years old and should be finished growing. She’s happy that they are both happy and healthy and that now for a while Foxy has been maintaining her weight, rather it then dropping up and down all the time. I think a better quality of food has helped so much with her in so many aspects 🙂

I got home and chilled out for a bit, I then sat and played Lego Jurassic world for a bit, going round collecting more Amber and gold bricks. Had myself some dinner, I had gammon that I’d made on a previous night, which was nice.

I spent some time making some cakes and cheese biscuits, which I always enjoy. I’m going to my brothers for dinner tomorrow, so will take some of each with me.

Spent the rest of the evening catching up on online, social media stuff and writing my blog of course.

How do I feel right now? I feel happy, content and refreshed. I can’t put my finger on why, its probably to do with a few things. But I’m not going to analyse it, I’m just going to enjoy it and hope it lasts.

Here are some pictures from the last few days.

 Pups loved their walk on Thursday and didn’t want to go home.

 Foxy taking in her surroundings ❤ she looks so peaceful and happy

 Typical pose for my boy, willing that ball to move lol.

 Foxy in her pjs, chowing down on treats 🙂

 My gorgeous boy didn’t want me to leave him.

 The view from the room for out Weymouth LGBT mental health group.

 Eating the last cookie, whilst waiting for M to pee before we left. I was feeling pretty goofy 🙂

 Pups all ready for bed, they are such lil posers.

 Marley moo loves sleeping in bed with me

 Harley checking out what everyone was doing.

 Home made cakes are the best!

 Home made cheese biscuits are the best!

 The pups waiting for anything to drop on the floor lol

 Harley checking out what’s going on as usual.

That’s it for now, will be around again soon.

Peace out

Batman

Mid week slump

Mid week and I am totally wiped out and I don’t really know where to start what to say as usual.

It’s been a pretty busy 3 days and I feel quite overwhelmed with everything. I started out strong on Monday with phone calls etc to sort things out…but yeah now I just have no energy to chase it up and sort things out. Maybe I’ll try again next Monday when I feel up to it, I just can’t right now its all a bit too much.

I had the nurse Mon afternoon and she gave me a nose spray to help clear up my sinuses. She couldn’t print off my prescription, she had to hand write it and when I asked at reception she said it was because they are waiting for my new NHS number 🙂 This makes me well happy, just can’t wait for it to be sorted.

After my counselling on Tuesday I went shopping, I needed a new jeans and shirt for my friends birthday party next week. I got myself some bootcut jeans that gives me a much less scruffy look and a nice shirt. I went to sports direct to again look at sports bra’s and I tried on one, this time I didn’t get stuck in it…last time I tried one on it was a bit of a disaster. Anyway this time it went well and it fit nicely and it flattened my chest well enough that makes me happy.

So I’ll talk a bit about chest binding… Trans guys bind their chests to look more male before they are able to get surgery to remove them. I myself have sensory issues with many different things especially with clothing so for me binding my chest has been extremely difficult. The binders I’ve bought are chunky, thick and the material is just not nice and I would totally over heat in them. So this sports bra is high intensity, so it holds everything down enough to make me look a bit more passable. The material is nice and not too thick and chunky, so I don’t see myself getting any hotter then usual in the summer. Its just as tight as a binder and it is quite hard to breathe with the sports bra on but I can’t get away from that, it needs to be tight in order to flatten my chest down. I can’t wear it all day long though as its not good too. But yeah I’m proper happy now I don’t have to stress about the summer and binding and stuff.

Today I had a few jobs to do and I did do most of them but then it got to lunch time and I just couldn’t go or do another single thing. I just had to sleep, I was so exhausted and in so much pain from head to toe.

I managed to do the housework, laundry, took the pups for a quick wee and run. Then went up to the hospital to drop off a sputum sample and get my bloods done, by the time that was all done I was done.. literally could barely move. When I got home I stripped off and got back into my pjs and got into bed and I slept for nearly 3 hours. I just hope I sleep well tonight as Sun and Mon night I struggled to sleep right through the night, without getting up and down 3-4 times.

I hate sleeping so much in the day and having to rearrange things, just because I’m tired and in pain. I just want a regular life… 😦 I have no choice over this which is the most frustrating part of this stupid invisible illness. I have no control over it either, it just happens to me. I feel like I’m not in control of vessel that I happen to be in.

I could talk forever about how my illnesses effect me because they are a huge part of me and it changes how I live my life. I also hold a lot of anger and resentment towards my illnesses.

How do I feel right now? I’m tired, overwhelmed but I’m ok, just trying to take it easy and go with how my body is feeling. After writing this I’m going to spend some time playing with the pups and cats.

That’s all for right now, got the Bournemouth Mindout group tomorrow and the Weymouth Mindout group on Friday, really looking forward to both groups as always 🙂

http://www.dorsetmind.org.uk/

Peace out

Batman

Tired and achy but feeling happy

Right now I’m too tired to write but I am too tired to move and do anything else… I’m just glad I got through another stressful week with minimal damage.

I’m still not feeling any better then I felt on Thursday, still exhausted, achy, snotty and chesty. I can’t wait to see the nurse tomorrow and get some antibiotics for a bit of relief.

Today my arm and hand that I fractured last year has been so achy today, my thumb is the worst it proper hurts. May need to wear the splint for a bit as a bit of support. But I’ll talk to the nurse about it tomorrow.

Friday I spent relaxing and looking after my needs, which I totally needed. I took the pups out for a walk, it was windy and raining but it was actually quite nice. Not one single person was down where we walked, felt like the only person in the world. Loved feeling the wind and rain on my face, made me feel alive. The pups needed a good run around as they’d not been out since last weekend. After I just spent some time watching TV and then played on the PS3 until dinner. I had gammon for dinner with dumplings and veg, it was so nice and even though my appetite is better I’ve not put on any weight, so I’m well happy with that, I’m still 8st 13lbs.

Saturday L and boo came over and spent the day and mine. It was a good day, me and boo played with trains and cars. We did try and go for a walk but it was so so windy down there and boo was tired so we didn’t go far. Boo fell asleep before we got home, so L and I watched Legend and I made more cheese biscuits mmmmmmm 🙂

After they left I had a little sleep because I was tired and in pain. I made myself dinner and played on the PS3 for about 4 hours, which I love so much.

Today I struggled to get going, I was so tired and felt rough. Still wanted to go out and do something though, hate sitting about even when I do feel ill.

My friend F picked up me and the pups and we went to the beach for a walk. Again it was really windy but at least it was dry and the pups had great fun running around going all crazy.

F and Benny came back to mine for a bit, which was nice. I changed into my joggy bottoms and sat and the floor and Benny kept rubbing himself all over me lol, he’s so sweet and didn’t leave my side bless him.

After they left I chilled out for a bit and eventually I just couldn’t stay awake any longer and fell asleep for about a hour. Cooked myself another nice dinner again tonight, so chuffed that I got my eating back on track quite quickly.

How do I feel right now? Like previous posts, I feel tired, achy and not too well. But my mood has improved and I feel happier then I have done this week. That’s down to seeing my friends, taking the pups out, eating properly, resting and sleeping, oh and playing my games on the PS3 🙂

It’s been a hell of a few weeks and it’s totally mashed my head up, loads of things have been churned up by this benefits process and my continuing counselling etc. But as usual with the help of my friends I’ve managed to pick myself and carry on. Sometimes I wonder how/why I carry on but I do, life is precious and some people don’t have the choice of living their life. But I do and I choose to carry on and live it as best as I can.

 This is how I feel

 Scrappy at Baiter on Friday

 A wind swept Foxy

 Pups chasing each other

 Boo didn’t like the wind

 Playing with trains 🙂

 Muscle boys!

 Selfie 🙂

 Aw selfie ❤

 Pups down the beach

 Another wind swept Foxy running on the beach

 Scrappy loving the beach

 I love the beach in the winter.

Peace out

Batman