Xmas and binge eating

I’ve struggled a lot with binge eating without purging and emotional eating and Christmas for me is a big trigger as its an excuse to binge eat/overeat and binge drink too and generally just do everything to excess.

Last year I used ‘oh its ok its December’ as an excuse to binge eat and I found it really hard to stop and put on about a stone which I’ve not been able to shift this year.

I’ve been super aware of that this year as we hurtled into December and I’ve had much more of an awareness how much I’m eating, because I eat to the point I feel sick and my stomach hurts for days because it gets so bloated and I feel so sluggish and gross.

I’m super proud that I’ve been able to really stop, think and look at these excuses and behaviours and catch myself before I eat when I’m not hungry and try and figure out what it is I actually need instead. It’s usually an emotion that’s been left unnoticed, like if I’m feeling sad, or I need to feel comforted etc, so instead of eating to temporarily fill those feelings, I try and do a bit of self care instead, redirect my concentration.

If I feel like I need comforting then I fully recline my sofa, cover it with blankets and pillows, get a drink and small snack and chill out on the sofa with a favourite film and maybe message friends, use my fidget toys and chewigem to redirect my concentration. And things like this have been really helpful to help me deal with the urges to just eat everything in sight, which never ends well, it makes me feel much worse then if I was just to take a moment to sit and ask myself what do I actually need right here in this moment.

I’ve really learnt this year to really look at my actions, feelings, emotions etc and instead of mindlessly just do things based on how I feel, I’ve been looking at what my brain is trying to tell me it needs. It is a bit like trying to decipher a code that I didn’t write lol and its hard work and frustrating but it has definitely been worth the work.

I’ve still had a few days where I have eaten a bit too much but it hasn’t been to the degree where I felt sick after, I’ve been able to control it much better.

Hopefully I can continue to keep on top of my binge eating and maybe even shift a few pounds too. But even if I have times where I don’t that’s ok too, I can always start over again.

Just to finish off with as this just popped into my head, but I’m not great at trying new food, even new drinks because it causes me a lot of stress and anxiety. But my mum bought me a Pukka tea advent calendar and at first I was really apprehensive and nervous about trying them, especially ones I’ve never tried before which is the majority of them.

So everyday when I get one I don’t think I’ll like, or I’m unsure about trying, I try and put those anxieties and thoughts aside and just sit and be in that moment and not judge it until I’ve had a few sips of tea before I decide I don’t like it and its really worked, there’s not been one yet that I haven’t liked or haven’t drunk. I mean there are one that I prefer over others but I think that’s pretty normal. I am pretty proud of myself for trying something new everyday, its a pretty big deal for me. I am definitely getting better at trying new food and drink but it does have to be under the right circumstances, like I can’t be super anxious or stressed or I won’t try it/won’t enjoy the experience. I have to be relaxed and opened to it.

Yeah man I am destroying these old fears/traumas! I am kicking butt!

Peace out

Zak

Food diary – Another update

Once again I’ve been a bit slack on a few things but I’ve been really struggling with disassociation and binge eating. I’ve been trying so hard to get on top of it all and I’ve been stressing out so much. Stressing out has been making everything worse and I’ve been eating so much until I feel so so sick and my thoughts and memories are so disorganised, disjointed and just strange and unreal.

The last few days I’ve been trying to get back on track with reading and meditating daily and I have felt a little more settled.

I was watching a TV show called This Morning and this lady was on and she was cooking Prawn and Chicken Jambalaya. I was sat thinking that it looked really nice, well apart from prawns as I don’t like them, so I decided that I was going to make it for dinner tonight.

I’ve been doing my food shopping as and when I need things, I was finding I was getting 2 weeks worth of shopping and not eating everything I bought and had a lot of wasted food. Even though shopping as and when takes up more time and energy, its a bit more cost effective as I’m not wasting food.

Today along with the chicken jambalaya, I also tried some green olives and I can safely say that I am not a fan! They were gross, even the dogs didn’t like them lol. But I am pleased I tried them.

So this evening I cooked the chicken jambalaya, it took me a little longer then the lady on TV said it should take lol but it turned out so well and I really really enjoyed it and I was mega surprised as well. Its not usually something I would eat, mainly because its a bit spicy but I am so pleased I just went for it and made it. I even have enough left for 2 more dinners, which is awesome.

This probably isn’t the most well written blogs I’ve ever done because I am struggling to organise my thoughts right now but I’ve tried my best. As usual I’m not going to say if I’ll try something new next week as I think that’s just a bit too much to ask from myself right now. My main goal is to keep on top of the binge eating because if I cannot do it alone I’m probably going to have to seek help because it cannot continue.

Peace out

Batman

Food diary – Week 5

This week has been a bit difficult food wise, eating has been giving me anxiety. I think its related to my weight and gender dysphoria, as that’s been pretty bad this week.

For those who don’t know, I am a trans guy. That means I was born female but I don’t identify with the female body parts and this causes a great deal of distress. I am currently waiting for an appointment to talk about starting testosterone, so that’s super exciting. My weight gain hasn’t helped with how I feel about my body but I am changing my diet little by little but its difficult with all the other things I have to contend with.

Anyway, I tried two different things this week. One was Kippers…I didn’t like them, is the short answer to trying that one lol. But I did also try pineapple, I just bought fresh pineapple that was already sliced up. I live on my own and didn’t want to waste a whole pineapple. I really enjoyed the pineapple, it was so sweet and sharp but tasted good.

As usual I googled to see if the dogs could eat pineapple and turns out they can, so they both had a try but only Scrappy ate it, Foxy was not impressed lol. It said I can freeze the pineapple for tasty summer treats for the puppers, so that’s good to know.

As usual no plans of what I’m gonna have next week, can’t think about that right now.

Peace out

Batman

Food Dairy – Week 4

I am pretty proud that I am 4 weeks in and I am still trying new foods, 5 years ago I wouldn’t/couldn’t have done something like this. I definitely want to continue and I want to try new meals and new places to eat out at.

Earlier today I popped to Asda and decided to pick up a new fruit to try and I got some plumbs as they were 6 for 50p which is cheap, loads cheaper then everything I’ve tried so far.

I got home around half 3-4 pm and I was a bit hungry, so I decided why not try a plumb. As usual I looked up to see if the dogs can try a bit too. Dogs are allowed the fleshy bit but the stone is dangerous and can poison them. I enjoyed the plumb so much the pups didn’t get a look in, they were so nice, juicy, a bit sharp but I was like why have I never eaten this before lol! So yay another fruit I can snack on.

I’ve been trying to think back to when I was a kid as to whether I have eaten a plumb before and I couldn’t remember. which is why I chose it, its a possibility that I have tried it as a kid but didn’t like it but I don’t remember. There’s a LOT of my past that I have little or no memory of because its traumatic. Wow just disassociated for a moment, just writing about my past triggers disassociation.

From today I am eating less, I’ve been indulging too much, too many takeaways, too much Pepsi, eating too many packets of crisps as an easy snack. So today I’ve eat less then I have been and actually feel a bit better for it. I am so so addicted to sugar and I really want to give up Pepsi completely but I’m addicted and I drink it for emotional reasons. It’s a comfort thing, that’s probably really weird. It actually makes me anxious to even think about not drinking Pepsi everyday…this definitely isn’t normal but this is the same thought process as an addict. I can say this with confidence as that’s how I felt when I thought about not self harming every day back when I used to cut loads every day. I have only self harmed twice in the last 3 and a bit years. But yeah Pepsi doesn’t even taste of anything any more because I drink it so much, I’m totally powerless over this addiction. I do want to quit but I don’t, I’m not quite there yet.

That’s all for now

Peace out

Batman

My food diary – Week 3

So there are two parts to this weeks blog, I haven’t tried new food per-say but I tired a new meal and a new restaurant.

I’ll start with the new restaurant, so on Sunday I felt so so ill with a sinus infection, which I get all the time at the moment as my immune disorder isn’t currently under control. My head was so sore, I hurt all over, the weathers been rubbish and I was really hungry. I really didn’t have the energy to cook, I didn’t really fancy pizza hut. So I ordered from a place called Chicken N Blues, now this may seem easy for most people but when you have a issue with food its really not easy or simple eating at new places. I have a real fear of eating at places I never have before, I get worried about if I’ll like the food, will the food make me sick…the list goes on. So a simple thing to most people was actually a big thing for me. I ordered a grilled chicken wrap and corn on the cob and waited for it to be delivered.

My food arrived, I got a can of Pepsi and my tray and got comfy on the sofa. I unwrapped my chicken wrap and took a huge bite and wow omg I can’t believe I’ve never eaten that before, it was amazing and I ate the whole thing. It was so good, I literally could eat that every day lol. It was so good I had it Monday night too lol. I’m so glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and got food from a new place. I’m definitely getting better at this food bizz lol.

Part 2 of my diary is that I cooked a meal tonight, I had sweet and sour pork stir fry, with egg noodles. I used a rainbow stir fry veg mix, sweet and sour sauce with pineapple, pork and egg noodles, all from Asda. Now I don’t think I cooked the noodles properly as I’ve never cooked fresh pasta before, so I didn’t end up eating them. But hey cooking is about trial and error I suppose. But I really enjoyed the rest of it, all of it I’ve eaten before but I don’t think I’ve eaten it altogether before. I certainly haven’t cooked it for myself before and its definitely something I will eat again.

I know this isn’t strictly trying a new food but I still feel its helping me tackle me issues with food by stepping out of my comfort zone a bit. Oh I got food shopping delivered today and I bought myself more raspberries as I really enjoyed them last week.

Again no plans for what I’m going to try next week, will probably see on the day.

Peace out

Batman

My Food Diary -Week 2

So it has been a week since I last posted and my appetite hasn’t been great. I’ve been eating breakfast and lunch but not dinner. This is down to a few things, low mood, lack of energy and the fact I want to lose weight and I know the less I eat the quicker the weight will fall off, maybe not the best way but right now I’m really struggling with my mood.

This week the food I tried was raspberries and to my surprise I actually like them. I found them really sweet and tasty. I definitely think I’ll be eating them again, my only issue is that they are so expensive, £2 for 150gs and people wonder why we have a obesity issue. For £2 I can get 12 packet of crisps. Anyway I digress, I think I’ll be finishing these raspberries because they were so nice.

Next week I think I might try a new vegetable as then it might encourage me to actually make dinner so go with it. Again I’m not going to plan too much in advance but it will require a bit more planning as I’ll have to plan the meal to go with it.

That’s all for now

Peace out

Batman