Happy New Year – 2021

Hey, how is everyone doing? I hope the first few days of the new year have been treating you well so far.

So far the first few days for me have been fairly good, I haven’t set any new years resolutions for this year, mainly because I feel very soon we will be back into a national lockdown so it seems kind of pointless. Although I do have things I want to aim for and things I want to achieve but I don’t like to share them, or even have them written down, as then I am less likely to do it. It just feels too much pressure to have specific things written down, but I know what I want to do/achieve but also if I don’t that’s totally cool as well because we’re all still stuck in such a weird time and feels like nothings really moving forward very far. I am quite happy with how my life is moving forward anyway right now and even though I initially found lockdown really hard, I am actually really loving my own company, like I am really enjoying it.

New Years day was extremely quite, even though I didn’t actually get to bed that late, I was so exhausted! That all I could manage for most of the day was sleeping and resting, not a terrible way to spend the first day of the new year though. But I did cook up the rest of the veg I had left over from Christmas so it didn’t go to waste, the last of which I will have tonight for dinner, can’t beat a good roast dinner!

Yesterday I did the housework and took the dogs for a walk around the Quay, which I forced myself to do, as it was cold and I was exhausted. But with fatigue its such a catch 22 situation, the less I do the more I’m exhausted but on the flip side if I do too much, I’m also exhausted! So I am making a conscious effort to try and walk a little more every day and try and build my energy levels back up a bit. It’s going to be hard but I’ve done it before, however I am fighting against a under active thyroid as well at the moment, so it may not go quite to plan.

After our walk, I got in and had a rest for a bit before cracking on with some paperwork for my disability benefits. The form filling service needed some information before the phone call, which will help with filling it in, so I spent 2 hours sorting through everything and writing down all the information they needed. I hate sorting through this crap, its so emotionally exhausting and draining!

I treated myself to a Pizza hut for dinner, as I was just too tired to cook or even think about cooking. I had a nice surprise and my friend B video called me, which was lovely as we’d not done that in years! We spent about an hour and a half catching up which was really lovely.

After my video call, it was back to finishing off sorting through the paperwork and I emailed the form filling service with all the information they wanted and holy shit! I felt so much better for having that all done and sorted! The benefits process is so long and draining, but I am so glad I am not doing it alone, because I would just put it off till the last second! Because I hate it so much!

I was so tired after all that I decided to get ready for bed and watched the Simpsons curled up in bed with my 4 fur babies, a perfect way to end a productive day.

Today has been a pretty good day and I am really proud of myself! It was so hard to get going, as its been so cold and grey today, I mean when isn’t it in the UK LOL! But it does make it much harder to get motivated to want to do anything.

I did eventually get myself up, showered, dressed and fed I had peanut butter and honey porridge which I am obsessed with! So tasty and filling. I then got the dogs ready and took them across the road for a run around, Foxy wasn’t overly impressed because she was getting cold. She did what she needed to do and she was done lol. We went back home and the whole time I was trying to decided whether or not to take Scrappy out for a longer walk on his own, but that meant walking further from home… which is something I have been really struggling to do.

We got in and I was going back and forth in my head and decided fuck it! I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing it because Scrappy loves going for long walks and being by the sea. So we went… I did nearly have a panic attack as we got further away from home but I managed to control it and carry on. Once we got down to the sea I felt so much better, I was still feeling a bit tense but I tried to focus on taking pictures and playing fetch with Scrappy. I was just trying to enjoy the moment and watching Scrappy run, play and swim always helps. He’s always so happy whatever he’s doing and that always makes me smile.

I had a great walk with my boy, all be it a chilly walk lol and I am SO proud of myself for pushing myself to get out and not turning back when the panic attack kicked it, but it did not win! We got back in and I made myself a nice cuppa to warm up and curled up on the sofa with a film.

I didn’t come on the laptop to blog initially… but here we are! I still have a few bits to sort out for my disability benefits, which is actually what I came on here to do. I need copies of all the information I need to send, but I still have this evening and tomorrow that I can sort that stuff out. It’s not too much of a rush to get done.

I’m actually feeling pretty good, that walk did me the world of good and also getting so much sorted regarding my disability benefits, I feel like I have some sort of control over the situation.

Life under lockdown has been far from easy but I am so proud that I’ve been able to mange and handle all the change and deal with everything its thrown at me and taken away from and I’ve still come out fighting and smiling. Although some days it does and has gotten the better of me but I mean that’s the nature of living with chronic depression that would happen in any situation. I don’t think my younger self would have been able to deal with this at all, I definitely think that a younger me would have given up, because younger me needed to be around other people to feel like a valid human. Me now at age 35 (very nearly 36) has finally realised that the only person that I need to be happy with is myself, I am the only one I will have a life long relationship with, so it better be a good one! I am valid, worthy and loved all by myself! I don’t need outside validation for that anymore, I know exactly who I am now and I am freaking awesome! I am happy on my own and I know whatever else is thrown at me, I am capable of dealing with on my own.

Here’s a few pictures from the first few days of this year

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Zak

Christmas and New Year 2020 Round up

Wow what can I say about this year… It certainly has been a wild ride, I’ve had to learn how to adapt quickly to new situations and be ok with the things that are completely out of my control and I’ve had to learn how to be ok completely on my own, which has been incredibly hard but interesting.

I’ll jump back to Christmas before continuing with the round up of the year. I thankfully was able to spend Christmas and Boxing Day with my friend, which was good fun. I got some great presents, I cooked a delicious roast dinner, we went for a walk, watched movies, ate and played games. I really had a good time, it was very much needed after such a crazy year.

Yesterday it was announced that we are now in Tier 4 which means sadly my friend can’t come over for New Years.. but thank god for technology! We’ll still be able to chat which won’t be the same but it’s the safest way.

Oh on the 19th Dec disability benefits decided to send me assessment forms! Absolute assholes! They’ve got to be back for 13th Jan, which just isn’t long enough. So I rang up for a time extension.. although its not much better and I booked myself in for a form filling service because I’m not doing it myself, its just too stressful. So all I really need to do now it gather evidence to send off with my assessments. I really don’t understand why they’re assessing me every 2 years, its not like I’m suddenly going to be healed! But whatever… they’ve extended my money until Oct 2021 so hopefully non of my payments will stop which will take a lot of stress out of the situation… But yeah URGH! they suck!

Speaking of my health, this year it has definitely got worse. I not only have Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis, but I have high blood pressure and borderline under active thyroid… and my fatigue has been so bad that my whole body sometimes feels like jelly and I feel so shaky and sick. My fatigue hasn’t been this bad in years and its just so awful, whatever I do I have to have a sit down and rest afterwards, which is really frustrating. I can’t even really explain how bad my fatigue is some days, but I really hate it so much.

Other then all of that I’m actually mentally feeling alright, I’m getting used to being on my own for very long periods of time, not being able to just go out and do anything. It doesn’t really bother me now, earlier on in the year the lockdown and all the change that came with it was extremely stressful because I wasn’t really sure what was happening, what I was/wasn’t allowed to do. But now I feel like I’m more settled, I’m used to not doing the things I would usually do and being home more. I mean in the winter I’m home more then I would be in the summer anyway, so its not so bad. Although there doesn’t really seem to be an end of this in sight just yet, but I’m sure at some point in the new year life can slowly start getting back to normal.

It’s not easy everyday though, some days I’m still finding thigs really difficult. Even simple things like making breakfast feels like a mammoth task, but I do what I always do and just push through. However I am trying to sit more and try and really concentrate on connecting with how I’m feeling because pushing through regardless is easy but doesn’t always acknowledge what you really need/want and can make how I’m feeling worse. So I do try and connect with myself to see how I’m feeling and what I need in that moment. Most of the time what I need is a nap lol! which is easy enough and its actually a good way to have a little break from everything.

I think overall this year has been a good one, despite the strange circumstances that we’ve all found ourselves in this year.

I like a lot of people have experienced loss this year, I lost a friend to Covid-19 and my stepdad also passed away this year, which I don’t think the grief for either has entirely hit me yet, but I think that’s been my brains way of protecting me in order to get through these times safely. I think the sadness and grief has come out when I’ve watched a movie that’s made me cry, which happens quite often as I’m a sensitive soul but that’s ok.

I’ve made huge progress through counselling which I am so proud of! I feel like I can tackle any friendship/relationship and relationship with myself in a much more healthy way and finally healing those deep routed trauma’s, which feels good.

I feel like I’ve changed so much in just 12 months, I am unapologetically myself and I am confident in who I am now and that feels good. For the first time ever I know myself, I listen to myself, I know what I want and need and I know what I won’t put up with and I don’t feel guilty for asking to be treated better. I don’t feel embarrassed to be seen or even to exist, I feel solid.

So 2021, I have no idea what this year will bring and I’m not going into the new year with any resolutions. But I am going to continue to heal and continue on this journey with myself.

That’s it really, see ya all in the New Year.

Stay safe

Peace out

Zak

2018 – What a year!!!

Yet another year is nearly over and 2019 is just on the horizon.

Its been another year full of ups and downs and for the most part its been an absolutely incredible time.

March was probably the most eventful months of this year, I got snowed in on my birthday due to storm beast from the east, two weeks after my birthday my 3rd nephew came into the world, I changed my name to Zak and the end of March was when I started a relationship with someone I’d been getting to know for a few months.

That was the start of an incredible 7 months and despite how things have ended I wouldn’t change a single thing.

The summer weather definitely made up for the freezing cold, snowy March. Summer was crazy hot! For months! And England qualified for the semifinals for the first time in forever!

I applied for and got my first passport in this millennium! My last passport ran out 14 years ago! I now have valid ID… which I’ve not needed yet 😂

I took my partner and my dogs on my first holiday in 10 years. We went to Dawlish in Devon, it’s such a beautiful part of the country. It was so nice to get away and that’s probably where I knew I was in love with this lovely human being.

Then came the Eminem concert at Twickenham stadium with my best friend. It was such an incredible experience, once in a lifetime opportunity! Just amazing.

End of July I had my first consultation for top surgery! Which is great!! I’ve picked a surgeon, I just need to chase up about a second appointment.

Towards the end of the summer, my partner and I went to Rize Festival in Chelmsford, which was an amazing experience as I’d never been to a festival before. It was insane! But so much fun, we saw some amazing artists like Rita Ora, Manic street preachers, Rag n bone man, James bay, Bastille many others. But my favourite by far was seeing Plan B! He was on fire! I definitely want to go to another festival again!!

In September I did something that made me hugely anxious but I braved it and I’m glad I did. I went to London, to a spiritual channeling to meet my beautiful, wonderful friend Pamela in real life. We’ve known each other for 10 years + but we’d never actually met. But when we met all my anxiety left, it felt like we’d known each other forever, I so didn’t want to let her go. I’m so pleased I went, it was amazing and just what I needed.

Towards the end of September, things sort of unravelled but that’s life. Things ended with my partner, mainly because I know exactly what I want and they were unsure. No point either of us wasting each other’s time, but we’re still friends, we still talk, even though sometimes I find it hard, I’m grateful we still talk.

We had an incredible 6 months together, made amazing memories together and despite what happened those things will never change. We will always have those memories together.

Sometime in the summer I quit my volunteer work, I was no longer getting anything from it and felt like I wasn’t being treated fairly and felt like my mental health was used against me and I was just surrounded by toxic people which is never good for anyone.

But I now volunteer at pause cat cafe as a cat care person, which basically means I make sure all 12 cats are happy and healthy, fed on time, clean up behind them and obviously have lots of snuggles and play time. It’s good fun 🙂

As in previous posts I’ll be starting the new year without certain people who I’ve removed from my life, which is good but scary, as I feel like I don’t really have anyone.

Anyway here’s to another year, I don’t know what’s in store but we’ll see.

^ what a difference a year makes

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 19 on T

This is my first post of 2018, I survived another year. 2017 wasn’t all bad I mean after all I started testosterone but it has definitely been another challenging year and I know there is more to come. That’s life I suppose but when you have challenges coming at you from all angles 24/7 it gets difficult to deal with. I have totally got this and I am going to put things in place to look after myself.

Nearly 5 months on testosterone! woohoo. Next week I go my 6th injection and my fasting bloods are finally all sorted for this month. So I’ll know how often I need to inject, whether that be every 3 weeks or every 6 weeks, it depends on how high or low my testosterone levels are.

My chest is starting to cause me huge dysphoria, its got worse now I’m on testosterone because I’m starting to look a bit more male then before. I can’t bind my chest either which is stressful and I’m not confident enough to not wear a bra.. something I cannot WAIT to stop wearing. Its super frustrating and I’m already dreading the summer because I’m going to look even more male and wearing vest tops because its hot…my bra will be visible and yeah urgh! can’t it just be spring all summer, cool enough for a t-shirt and shorts but nice and sunny. I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with it… But I suppose I’ll deal with it as it comes…

I feel a huge disconnect but that’s not a bad thing I suppose, it means I’m not really anxious or depressed. I’m not connected with my inner self, it kind of makes things easier to deal with but I don’t really feel anything, just empty, flat, nothing. I suppose its a mechanism to protect myself from myself.

Starting my 2018 back at the community mental health team…urgh! I have an appointment tomorrow morning, flipping 10 am! why so early! My alarm is set for 7 am, I hate rushing around in the morning, plus I have to take the dogs out before I can go anywhere. I’m gonna write some notes to take with me, so I don’t forget anything and I still have print outs of some blogs so I may take them too.

Last week I bought a book called The Self Care Project written by the lady who founded Blurt Foundation and I read it within 5 hours and I had an amazing conversation with Jayne Hardy. Blurt Foundation shared the PDF files for the worksheets that are in the book and yesterday I printed them out and today I bought a new folder and put all the print outs in it. I also ordered some school workbooks to use a my journal, I’m going to try and write every day just to get everything out of my head.

My main goal this year is to find out who I am, since starting testosterone I haven’t really checked in with who I am as a person, if my likes or dislikes have changed or stayed the same. I’m going to work through the self care project book, I aim to make a scrapbook, I aim to write in my journal daily.

So that’s me in 2018.. Hope you all have a great one.

Week 19 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This is my self care project and journal

 

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan

Happy 2016 :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I cannot believe it’s 2016! Last year just flew by so so fast.

I’m going to start this year with a short post as I am very tired and need to go to bed. But I also need to find the motivation to get up and take the pups out before I can go to bed lol.

So New years eve morning I did the housework and laundry. I then picked up Harvey and Arnie and came back to mine.

Arnie was mega excited to see his buddies and him and the pups spent pretty much all night chasing each other lol.

Harvey was just sat playing games on his phone and I was playing on my tab, with cartoons on in the background.

H came over and Arnie was scared of her, it was proper funny. He calmed down after she took off her waterproofs. We chilled out chatting for a bit.

Harvey and I had pizza hut for dinner and the lil beast had eaten 2 slices before I had even had 1 lol! H was indecisive about what to eat lol, so she eventually went out an got Mcdonalds.

We spent the evening play fighting and gaming 🙂 which was so much fun. We also watched Men in black 3! which is a cool film.

I said to Harvey he could stay up till midnight, which he did. We watched the fireworks display they did at London and me and H made Harvey dance to Auld lang syne lol!

He made it to 12:30 am and he was still going, but H and I wanted some down time to ourselves.

H and I watched a film called The Voices which is so good! We didn’t get to bed until 2:30 am, I however didn’t get to sleep until about 3 am because Arnie wouldn’t stop chasing the cats lol! He eventually snuggled up with me and went to sleep.

Harvey didn’t get up until 10:30 am which was cool, me and him had breakfast and watched cartoons. I was still so tired so fell back to sleep on the sofa until midday.

H got up around 1-ish pm I think, we all just chilled out for a bit. I eventually found the motivation to get showered, dressed and tidied up the flat.

We all got ready to leave, H went into town with us to go in a few shops and get lunch. I took Harvey and Arnie on the bus home, which took ages, we had to stop at Bournemouth and get on another bus.. urgh.

Dropped Harvey and Arnie home, only stayed about half hour or so. Didn’t want to stay too long because I was so tired, achy, cold and hungry, I just wanted to get home and chill. Arnie was so excited to see L he could hardly contain himself, it was his first time away from her since she got him. He did really well bless him, he wasn’t too much trouble. He cried loads though when Harvey went to bed, which was so sweet.

I got back at 5 pm and I was hoping to pick up a Burger King for dinner but they had shut! Just bloody rudeness lol, I was looking forward to a Burger King. So I got in, put the heating on, did my hot water bottle, got loads of munch and stuff. I fully reclined both sides of the sofa and snuggled up with the pups 🙂 and ate.

So I accidentally fell asleep for just over an hour, but it was so needed. I’ve spent the rest of this evening, playing with the pups and cats, watching tv and eating crap! Evening well spent I feel 🙂

I have no solid plans for tomorrow, other then I need to pick up a package from the sorting office. Definitely need a rest day, a self care day.

Some pictures from last night.

 Yeah man feeling fly!

 Me and Arnie

 Best friends ❤

 Gamer boys

 🙂

Happy New year everyone, don’t forget that this year is what you make it!

Peace out

Batman

Happy New Year 2015 <3

Wow its 31st of December 2014. This year has gone so so fast.

Just a quick catch up and a short summary of 2014.

So yesterday my poor baby boy scrappy, had a really bad reaction to his worming tablet. He was so so sick for about 2 hours, I was so upset. It was so horrible my poor thing. But he did stop being sick, I managed to give him little bits of water that he kept down and later in the evening he kept down a little food. He had a good nights sleep and is back to his cheeky self today thankfully.

This morning, I cleaned the flat as it was a complete tip! Felt loads better for doing it. Don’t have to worry about it now.

Just chilled out this afternoon. Went into town and posted something that I’d bought in the sales for my friend. I hope he likes it.

I met my auntie and little cousin Layla, we looked in a few shops, then went to Starbucks for a drink. I gave Layla her Christmas present and she gave me mine. I got socks, a picture of Layla and £10. Layla loved her present, I got her a big chocolate coin and a frozen bracelet. We had a look round some more shops. I bought Scrappy a new lead, its so cute, red with stars. I bought myself a new top with the money my auntie gave me. I also bought some BIG sparklers for tonight. So yeah pretty much my day. It’s been good so far and I’m feeling positive.

So 2014…It’s been a hell of a year. I’ve met some amazing people, I’ve done some pretty awesome things, like camping, I got Mr scrappy home, I went to see Dolly Parton, I’ve had some amazing times with my wonderful friends. This August marked a whole year since I last self harmed. It’s been a LONG hard journey, but I continue to be self harm free 16 months on. I am so proud of myself as I know at one point I thought I would never stop. So yeah self harm recovery is possible.

I think I’ve really grown as a person this year. I feel like I’ve changed for the better. I feel more stable, more settled sense of self, calmer, more able to maintain relationships, more confident in everything, in myself, my actions. I feel like a better person. I hope that others would agree.

Mental health wise I’ve had my highs and my lows, but I’ve always got through it.

My physical health hasn’t been the greatest this year. My methotrexate tablets made me very sick for about a year, but now I am on injections and doing so much better. I have my aches and pains, coughs and colds. But I am so blessed not to have been too ill this past year. I have great doctors that always take good care of me. I’m blessed to be under there care. I am also very grateful to have the NHS.

So yeah 2014 has left a big mark on my life. I’ve had good times, bad times. But overall its been great.

I am blessed to have Miss Marley moo cat, Foxy girl and Scrappy do. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. I can honestly say that they have enriched my life no end. They are the reason I get up every day, they are the reason for still being. They make me get out and meet other dogs and people, when we go for walks. They help keep me motivated. I love them will every fibre of my being.

I am also blessed to have such amazing friends too. They have been so kind, so generous, thoughtful, supportive. Just totally amazing. To think back over this year and all the things my friends have done for me, the things we did etc. Is just overwhelming. I am so lucky to have such lovely people in my life. I am truly blessed.

Another year gone by without my dad. He is always in my heart. I miss you dad and I love you so much more. I wish you were here to share this life with me. But I know you are watching over me. I hope I’ve made you proud this year. R.I.P The most amazing man I’ve ever met ❤ Love you dad ❤

I hope you all keep safe tonight and have a great time 🙂

Happy New Year, I hope you’ve all had a great year and I hope there are many more to come 🙂

2015 onwards and upwards baby!

 This is my jar FULL of every single good thing I did this year. From big things like seeing Dolly Parton, so just hanging out with friends. Tomorrow I am going to look all through them. Remember all the amazing times. Such a great thing to do 🙂

Peace out

Batman

See you in 2015! ❤ ❤ ❤

Happy 2014! :)

Well a big shock I actually went out for new years :O lol. I went over to see C and C (her bf) and their friend B came over as well. We all sat for a few hours chatting and eating crisps and stuff. Then we got invited over the a friends of C and C, so walked over there. I knew a few people that I had met at C’s bday a few months previous and there were two doggies there so I was good. Chatting and chilling 🙂 All shouted in the new year lol, got hugged and kissed by like everyone lol! We didn’t stay too long after midnight. We headed back the C’s in the rainy stormy weather. I jumped on the bus home around 2 am, there was a guy chatting to me and not making too much sense as he was SO drunk lol, hopped off the 1st bus and ran across the road and jumped on the bus home and OMG it was PACKED full of drunken people, pretty funny really listening to all the drunk talk. Some of them I just don’t know how they were even standing. Town was rammed full of semi naked young girls and guys, some of whom where wandering in the road, some with no shoes on… It’s scary really, anything could happen. I don’t understand why people put themselves into such positions. Some big lass on the bus came hurtling down the bus to get off and went crashing right into me, as I was stood up at the front and bloody hell did she hurt me lol. Her bf still had half a pitcher of alcohol in his hand, how he managed to get that out of the pub and on the bus! I was so glad to be off the bus! Got home to a mega excited puppy 🙂 argh I missed her so much lol. Took her straight out for a wee. We came back, I had meds, toast and a wee and hopped into bed with foxy and snuggled down to watch Alice in Wonderland – Tim Burton version. My heart started racing like mad for ages! Really worried me, but I was so tired! So didn’t do anything about it, but I didn’t get to sleep till gone 5 am.

I woke up at 8:30 am, as I was going to have baby Albert for the day, but the weather has been horrendous! SO windy and its constantly rained so hard. Albert isn’t well either, so I decided to stay as home as my chest is still not good and its not fair on either of us to be dragged out in this weather. Poorly bub has bronchiolitis had to get the ambulance people out to check him over. I went back to sleep for a few hours and woke up aching so much, so I took some pain killers. This weather just wasn’t letting up, so I put on my jeans and coat and dragged out my poor girl for a wee, it was awful and we both got soaked! I dropped her back and wrapped her up in her fleece coat and I went back out to the shop to get some bits as I wanted a jacket potato for dinner. Although I forgot to get some Ribena! I really fancy a hot Ribena right now. I got home, put the shopping away and had a nice hot shower and got back into my pjs. 

I put my jacket spud in the slow cooker for 4 hours and have spent the afternoon doing NOTHING all day other then sit and chill and watch films! Perfect way to start the year and with such miserable weather there wasn’t much else to do. 

My jacket spud was so scrummy! I had it with ham, cheese and spring onions! 

Urgh my chest feels even worse today! 😦 I think its a chest infection again. Another reason I couldn’t sleep is because I couldn’t breathe! My nose was so blocked up 😦 I am going to try and get a doctors appointment tomorrow, I think I need a course of antibiotics, plus I’m a bit worried about my heart as it has been racing on and off since last night. 

Apart from feeling poorly, I am feeling pretty happy and contented and mega buzzed for everything up and coming 🙂

 Bat dog 😀 

Peace out

Tank girl 

BUZZING! :D

It’s been a productive day 🙂 got so many exciting things coming up. 

My alarm did go off this morning and I had every intent to get up, but as soon as I heard that wind and rain I snuggled back in for a few more hours lol. Mr postman woke me up, I was excited as it was the T-shirt I had ordered for my friend, but once I had opened it I was pretty disappointed as it was tiny! It was meant to be a ladies large, but looked like a kids t-shirt, so got straight on to them an emailed them to say I was not happy! It wasn’t cheap either. So awaiting a reply from them. 

I surveyed the state of the flat and did NOT know where to start, my heads been so buzzing lately I just wanted to do it all lol. But I used my mindfulness skills just to calm my head down and complete one task at a time. It was hard work, but eventually the flat all got cleaned. As I was cleaning I had a brilliant idea! and have since put that idea into action. I was thinking about all the stuff I have and that I need a proper sort through, but instead of selling it for my own gain, I decided to have like a coffee morning to sell cakes and biscuits and have a bit of a rummage sale in order to raise money for a charity called Vasculitis UK, which is a charity that helps raise awareness for people like me who have different forms of vasculitis conditions. So I got straight on it and made an event for it on FB and contacted a few friends and family members to see if they have anything to donate and one friend is lending me a few hours to help with making cakes and biscuits and just to get everything ready. I am going to have an open house for the whole weekend and every penny I raise will go to this charity. I have also decided that in the new year I am going to try and do more to raise money for this charity. 

After all the excitement of my little buzzing head, I got showered and dressed and had cheesy beans on toast for lunch. Then I said to fox do you want to go for a walk and OMG did that pup get excited lol. So got us ready and we went for a walk, it wasn’t a long walk, we were only out for about an hour.

Got back and chilled out, my brain still going at a million miles an hour. But watched a few films on tv. I do need to write a list of everything I need to do for this fund raiser, its not till the 18th, but I will do a list soon. I need to do a few lists and get myself organized! Got so much to do and plan, so many things in my head. But I need to take it easy lol. I am going to do my weekly routine sheets again to get me back on track. But pointless doing this until the first full proper week of the new year, because up until then things are still a bit up in the air. 

I am not spending new years alone! I am going to spend it with C and her bf 🙂 I cannot WAIT! should be fun.

New years day I am having baby Albert for the day 🙂 and I am having him on Saturday as well. I can’t wait. L needs a break from him as his dad isn’t being very helpful! So I am more then happy to have lil man. 

Feeling SO buzzed! 🙂 and so excited! I’ve got so much planned, so many exciting things going on. 

Pics from today’s walk

Peace out

Tank girl x

 

Falling down that dark hole

Not sure where to start.

Did the usual waking up, watching tv and having breakfast thing. And fell back to sleep for a bit. Stupid periods make me so tired and I’m all chesty and coughing up shit again. 

Got up about 12 pm ish. Showered, dressed. Took foxy out for a wee and she had a little run about 🙂 I dropped her home and sorted out my chicken casserole in my new slow cooker and went into town to pay bills and pick up a few bits and bobs. I got a dvd and some t-shirts with the vouchers I got for Christmas 🙂 and I bought foxy a new little hoodie! 

Got back and put my shopping away. Then just chilled out the rest of the evening, waiting for my casserole to cook. 

Feeling all snotty and chesty again and my ears hurt 😦 Will see if I can get a doctors appointment on Monday. 

The casserole was ok, but the stock wasn’t strong enough so didn’t taste to great. Going to try beef casserole tomorrow. 

Feeling so down about this whole J thing…. 😦 I don’t know what to do. 

Not sure what to do tomorrow, got a few things in my mind that I could do, but not sure if I can even be bothered! I want to get up early, get the food from asda that I need to make the beef casserole and put that on, then take foxy for a nice walk and then come back and start sorting though my stuff and my paper work. Perfect Sunday. But all I really want to do is hide in bed and cry! The reality is I will probably just take foxy for a wee, get stuff for dinner and do nothing…. 

Looks like I will be spending new years the same way I started this year. On my own with my babies. Have asked a few friends what they are doing, but they are busy. Mind with everything going on with J atm I don’t want to see anybody, less stress and worry. Least if I am alone I won’t hurt anyone. :/

Feeling pretty fucking shit! 

Tank girl