A day in the life of a trans guy

I’ve not written on here for a while, mainly because I’ve not really had anything much to say and partly because I’ve not had the concentration to be able to sit down and write, so I thought I would write a bit of an update regarding my transition.

On the 20th Feb was my 18 month post op top surgery! Which is so crazy, time has flow so quickly and I am still so pleased with the results of surgery, the scars look fab and its healed so well. I am beyond grateful and still just so happy with how my chest looks.

And on the 22nd of Feb was my 3 years and 6 months on testosterone which is just so crazy, can’t believe its been nearly 4 years already! Still trying to grow my beard in lol! but its getting there. Testosterone and surgery saved my life and I will be forever grateful for access to trans healthcare.

One thing I have been thinking about for a long while is my pronouns, I have been going by he/him which is cool that fits me fine but I’ve recently been thinking about going by they/them as well as he/him. Because I’m not out here trying to be a cis guy, I’m just trying to be me and for me I feel that he/him is just too restrictive and that in order to be he/him I have to be a certain way, which just isn’t me. I still identify as a trans masculine guy but I have a much softer, far more sensitive side and I don’t feel like who I am fits into the narrow view of what it is to be masculine and that’s totally fine with me, I definitely feel like they/them gives me more room to breathe and continue to explore myself, without such restrictions. It feels far more freeing already.

Being trans isn’t just hormones and surgery, its a constant journey of self discovery, for me it has been anyways and I think a lot of that is down to my growing confidence within myself and free from toxic/negative/gaslighting situations and free from others judgements so I’ve been able to really look at the things I really love and enjoy and not worry about what other people think about it because I AM happy and that’s all that matter and I am looking forward to continue to explore this part of my journey.

Always be yourself and if the people around you don’t like it or don’t respect you, get rid of them. If someone cannot respect you for who you are, they don’t deserve to have a place in your life. We all deserve to be treated with love and respect and we shouldn’t accept anything less.

Peace out

Zak

G.I.C workshop @ Charing Cross hospital

I am so so so tired, I probably should get to bed right now. But I need to get stuff out my head before I can sleep and rest properly.

Monday night it took me nearly an hour to get to sleep because I was so anxious about Tues morning and it was so weird not having the pups in bed with me. But I eventually got to sleep…not for long though as I was up at 5:45 am Tuesday morning.

I got up, had breakfast, showered, dressed and sorted my backpack out. Man it was so weird, the flat was so quiet without the pups lol. Mind I didn’t miss scrappy following me about with his toys waiting for me to play fetch every 2 seconds! I had some time to watch a bit of tv and check my backpack like a hundred times to make sure I’ve got absolutely everything I needed. Anxious much! eeeep!

Whilst walking to the coach stop, my heart started racing, I was hot/cold and sweaty, I was shaking internally. I was a mess lol and at one point I felt like walking back home. But I carried on and I got on the coach, put my seatbelt on and off the coach went.

As the time went on my anxiety lessened because well, I was on the motorway on the way to Hammersmith London, there was no turning back lol. So I just had to get on with it! I had a nice lady sat next to me and we chatted a bit, she also gave me some directions as well which was great and totally spot on 🙂

The fucking weather was crap, it was raining heavily on and off all day. When I got off the coach I managed to walk and find my way to the gender identity clinic. I was an hour early but I was there, safe and sound. Oh on the way though some absolute fucking cock drove straight through a puddle and soaked me! I was not fucking impressed, so I flipped him off and shouted cunt at him lol!

Oh I was the first person waiting…haha. There was another guy that turned up not long after me, so we sat and chatted while we were waiting and he took my number. Loads of people soon started piling in! Which as a bit overwhelming but cool to see so many trans peeps in the same place 🙂 Some were out like me, some weren’t and some were non binary etc, so yeah it was cool.

The workshop itself was good, talked about what to expect, went through the process and what sort of things are available to us, what is covered by the NHS and what things aren’t (all is covered apart from a boob job) Talked us through the surgeries, female to male and male to female, saw some graphic surgery pictures lol! That was a bit gross, especially the male to female surgery! EEEEP! But overall it was really good and I enjoyed it. Oh and I was chatting to a lady in there and I gave her to details of the trans group I go to as she doesn’t live too far from me which is cool.

I headed back to the coach stop, picking up a sandwich on the way through because I was so freaking hungry. But I could have actually stopped to eat something properly because the coach was an hour late! My phone had died and the plug on the coach where I was sat was broken… and the battery life on my tab is awful. I couldn’t really relax because I was just so anxious to get to L’s to get my babies!

The coach was 40 mins late getting to Bournemouth but the traffic and road works was fucking awful on the way back. I hopped into a taxi and went to L’s 🙂 OMG it was soooo good to see my happy babies! Scrappy was crying bless him and foxy was happy barking at me lol!

I stayed at L’s for a little bit, just to catch up 🙂 didn’t stay too long because I just needed to get into my bed so bad.

Got the bus home with the pups, chatting to a few friends.

Got in, grabbed some food, meds, chargers for phone and tab, chucked phone and tab in my bedroom, got a nice cold can of Pepsi and collapsed onto my bed with a big sigh of relief. Ah meds, food and a nice cold can of Pepsi was so lush!

I caught up with a few peeps online who were asking me about my day but I couldn’t stay up much longer. So I was sound asleep by about half 11 pm I think.

Wow it was a really long day but I am so so chuffed that I went and I did it all by myself 🙂 and I made some friends too!

Today I woke up at 9 am, went for a pee, had something to eat and drink and went back to bed until 12 pm, I soooo needed it but I’m still not really fully functional lol. I’ve been in my own world most of the day.

I did do the housework this afternoon, did a load of laundry…that leaked grey and black onto lighter coloured clothes…oops lol! But whatever..

Went into town, got electric, paid my rent and treated myself to some new stuff. I got new trainers, boxers and two t-shirts. I think I bloody well deserved it 😀 that’s my story and I am sticking to it! haha.

Got back and relaxed for a bit, took some pain meds as my legs were aching. Then took the pups out for a nice walk 🙂

This evening I’ve just been relaxing, wasn’t really hungry so just had a sandwich for dinner. Been catching up with my groups online which has been cool 🙂

I suppose I am feeling ok tonight, just tired. I don’t really feel really happy or really depressed. I just feel ok…maybe I feel a little down but I think that’s because well it has been a hell of a week. I think the London trip was a massive distraction from what’s actually going on in my head if that makes sense. I was so anxious and wrapped up with worrying about the workshop that everything else I was worrying about has been pushed away. But I can feel it all slowly creeping back into my head, which sucks but there are things I need to deal with, like the shitty benefits wankers! URGH! So yeah I am fully expecting my mood to drop again.

Physically I’m ok, just really achy and tired. My skin on my right hand is really peeling all over my fingers. I’m not complaining because I like picking it but it does get a lil sore. I think I’m having a lil flare up because every day I feel a bit run down, which is a really crappy feeling.

Right I need to get to bed,

Peace out

Batman