LIFE IN LOCKDOWN..CONT

This feels like a never ending saga… Although things are starting to slowly get back to normal-ish. More places are starting to open and you’re allowed to travel a bit more and the level has been lowered to 3.. which I’m unsure of the exact do’s and don’ts but for me I am meant to be isolating now till the end of this month, although that could change. It’s just a case of waiting to see what happens next, I do think a second wave is inevitable as that’s just how a virus works.

For me I don’t feel quite comfortable going to any shops in town just yet, although I will have to go to primark at some point at I have one pair of shorts and the ones I’ve seen in Asda either don’t feel right or just aren’t my style. I’m also feeling quite anxious about using public transport, luckily at the moment I don’t have to go anywhere, despite bursting to take the dogs out for the day somewhere, I think for me right now the risks still outweighs the wants. Plus I need a mask which I don’t have and don’t feel comfortable wearing due to not being able to breathe properly. I think I’d feel to claustrophobic wearing a mask, especially on the bus. So for now, I’m staying local..which is boring AF but I got to keep safe.

I wish I could say I was coping better with this lockdown life, but sadly I can’t. I’m still really struggling, my depression is pretty bad, anxiety is bad and the disassociation is really crippling.

I decided that today I was going to try my best to actually participate and engage in life, rather then the disassociation take over and its been extremely exhausting trying to stay present and in the moment. But I’ve been able to get things done that have just been impossible to do in the last few weeks.

Most days I am so disconnected, disassociated and switched off that all I can do is sleep, eat snacks as cooking has just been too difficult and walk the dogs. I haven’t even been able to really watch anything either, I’ve just been watching things I don’t have to concentrate on, things I’ve seen a million times as its kind of comforting and eases my anxiety. There’s a few new seasons of shows I love on netflix that I’m bursting to watch, but for some reason I can’t start them. I feel too anxious, I know it makes no sense. I’m not really enjoying doing anything either, I just feel so numb, I can’t remember the last time I actually felt something other then feeling so numb and just nothing. I feel like most days I’m just going through the motions, just to get through another day of monotony.

I struggle to even start a task, it takes forever to do the basics, as I’m so trapped my anxiety and fighting to stay in the moment that I spend a lot of time sitting down trying to motivate myself enough to unfreeze and move. Its such a battle every day just to do the simplest of things and its so exhausting. I’m meant to be taking my blood pressure every day, but I’ve been unable to do that, as I just don’t remember and for some reason it feels like an overwhelming task, even though its so simple.

I’m just trapped inside my head all by myself all the time and my head is such a dark place to be but I’m stuck there. I need outside stimulation and interaction, I need outside help. But it’s just not there right now.

I’m so withdrawn from life, that I just don’t reach out anymore, I just can’t bring myself to it. I’ve kinda resided to the fact that this is life now, just on my own, loneliness forever. I’m not ok with that but I’m too tired to keep trying to insert myself into people’s lives.

Even when I’m out with the dogs and people talk to me, I keep stumbling over my words, I feel super awkward and incredibly anxious. I love being out with the dogs but I hate being seen, I just want to walk and chill on my own, which just isn’t me at all. I usually love talking to random strangers but now it just makes me feel so vulnerable and awkward I really don’t enjoy it and I wish I didn’t feel this way as I am quite a social person usually. But my anxiety is so strong and the constant negative thoughts is making everything impossible.

I’m kind of dreading everything getting back to normal, I can see myself keeping myself very withdrawn and isolated, it feels a bit scary getting back to normal. I don’t know how I’m going to get myself back out there into society, just thinking about it freaks me out. I’m not agoraphobic but the thought have having to go a bit further a field, like say to a hospital app is terrifying. Not just getting public transport but also interacting with others and also being able to organise myself enough to get myself somewhere on time. This lockdown has had a huge negative impact on my mental health and its not something that I’ll be able to easily fix.

I’ve had very little sleep today, under 4 hours I think. I got up early and did the house work and made some breakfast and I was out just before 10 am, I took the dogs for a walk and sat down where we scattered dad’s ashes which was nice and peaceful. Spoke to him and wished him a Happy Fathers Day, something I do every year. After our walk I had some lunch and watched and film, then jumped onto the laptop while my brain was still engaged in real life and I’ve been sat here for about 4 hours now. I feel a bit better for blogging and getting stuff out, I’m bloody exhausted now. I’m going to try and get an earlier night.

A couple of weeks ago I decided for my own mental health and sanity to cut ties with my ex completely, which meant deleting messages, blocking on FB and burning the break up letter they gave, which wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be. I couldn’t keep tormenting myself and I felt like I was still holding on, waiting, hoping that maybe I’d be wanted again. I didn’t really want to remain friends in the first place, it’s what they wanted and rather then be strong and stand up for myself I just went along with it. But I can’t heal from the situation whilst stuck in it and still wishing and hoping we’d get back together. I kept thinking I was over it but its still just as painful as when we broke up. I hate feeling so deeply, cuz sure as hell they don’t miss me or were even hurt by the break up, even if they did they didn’t show it. But why would they be hurt, I mean its only me right. Not speaking to them is so painful but being friends was painful, I can’t win.

Man, writing all this shit out makes me feel so broken.. no wonder I’m alone! lol who the fuck wants to take me and all my baggage on?! I don’t even want me.. Maybe this will always be the way, maybe one day I’ll find the light in all this darkness.

Peace out

Zak

trauma

This lockdown has been kinda good for one thing its allowed old wounds and pains to surface and its made me face the reality of the route cause of this pain that’s been there forever.

I’ve had counselling and different therapies since I was 15 years old on and off over the years and I’ve always skirted around this issue, cuz its painful and embarrassing to admit and as I’ve gotten older its got harder.

I find it super hard to be vulnerable and honest with myself let alone anyone else. But today I was able to verbalise it, which was very uncomfortable.

My parents divorced when I was 15 and my memories from around that time are patchy. It was a pretty traumatic experience and the years running up to that weren’t that great either and again memories are patchy.

For some that may not be seen as a traumatic event but for me it was and my mental health wasn’t great before it happened as I started self harming when I was around 9/10 years old. I can’t explain why I started self harming as again memories are fractured, not in order or missing completely.

I was an extremely anxious and extremely shy as a little kid, I struggled to make friends, I always felt left out and I still feel the same now at the age of 35 years old.

I think as you get older you tend to romanticise what your childhood was like, with me I don’t remember much at all. But I remember what it made me feel, what I felt then is what I feel now. No matter how hard I try to heal, to move forward. I am always dragged back to how I felt at the age of 15 years old.

I still feel like a little kid standing in a room full of adults trying to be seen and heard, I feel like I don’t exist, I feel alone, intense loneliness, I feel so sad, I’m in so much pain, I feel lost, I feel scared, I feel numb, I feel unloved and unlovable, I feel unwanted.

I can’t keep bleeding over the same thing, hurting over the same thing. It’s just too hard, too painful.

I feel so left out, everyone has their circle of friends and I’m standing way on the sidelines, waiting to be seen and heard, waiting for the scraps, waiting to have my existence remembered. I can’t do it anymore.

I’ve not hit any expected adult mile stones, I’ve never been in a long term relationships, I’ve never lived with anyone, I’ve never been engaged, married, I don’t have kids, never had a long term employment (mainly due to my physical health) 1 long term friendship which I no longer have. I don’t have kids, don’t own my place and never have. Never travelled anywhere, never done anything.

I feel like I’ve missed out on so much because of this trauma that hides inside me and seems to have such a strong hold over me. I end up bleeding on everyone around me and no one wants to deal with that. But I don’t mean too, I try so hard but doesn’t seem to be working. But I’m just a traumatise kid inside.

I’m so exhausted, so tired of trying, tired of feeling this pain, tired of fighting to be seen and heard, tired of existing. I’m tired of looking after myself, tired of acting like I’m a grown up when really I maybe 35 but emotionally, socially etc I’m still just a 15 year old kid inside. It exhausting trying to pretend I’m ok when I’m not.

This is hard

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 26 on T

Today I had my testosterone shot, I was meant to have it done at the doctors surgery but I got there and my appointment had been cancelled!! I was so angry as I didn’t sleep well last night and I was rushing around to get myself ready. So I stormed out and I was like whatever I’ll do it myself.

Luckily when I got home, I had enough of everything to do the injection myself. The receptionist said they’d rang me but they fucking didn’t or I would of have a missed call! So absolute bullshit! But whatever I’ve done the shot now which is the main thing.

I again haven’t noticed any changes but a few people in the last week have asked me if I have a sore throat but I don’t I just think its my voice changing, so that’s been pretty cool. But my ear is still blocked so I can’t really hear myself still, so I can’t really hear how I sound.

The thing I’ve noticed recently is that I can’t really control my anger, when I’m angry or frustrated it just comes out! I can’t hold in it, I can’t be polite to people. The rage just takes over, which isn’t great! But even with an awareness of if I still can’t seem to control it. I used to be able to control my anger and it used to take a lot to make me frustrated and angry but not since I started testosterone.

The only emotions I can really connect with at the moment is anger and depression, I don’t really feel anything else. I’m just so disconnected from myself and my emotions, which is a bit frustrating as I know I should be feeling things. An ex GF of mine from 7-8 years ago killed herself and I know I should be feeling sad but I don’t feel anything, just numb, nothing. Yes sometimes when people die you can go into shock and feel numb, but I feel like this a lot, so I know its not shock. Sometimes when I go outside I purposely go out without enough jumpers on so I feel the cold, so I can feel something!

I don’t really know how to fix it other then have an awareness of it. Maybe it will get better after top surgery… but it might not.

That’s all I really have to say this week, it feels good to have written everything down and got it all out.

^ Testosterone shot stuff 😀

Week 26 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 13 on T

Another week on testosterone, times just flying by so fast. I feel like I can’t keep up right now. I feel like I’m just tumbling towards Christmas and I am so unprepared and just not in the right head space, I can barely organise myself getting out the house at a reasonable time. I keep saying I need to write a list of things that need to be done, but I’ve got so many lists of things.. I can’t be dealing with another one.  I wish time would slow down a little bit, so I can catch up.

I’m sat here trying to check in with how I’m feeling today and I honestly couldn’t tell you. I suppose my mood is still low but I mainly feel numb. I’m not grounded at all and I just feel like I’m floating around and nothing feels real. I hate feeling like this but I’ve been trying to ground myself with little success. I literally need to feel like my feet are on the floor, because I feel like I’m hovering just above it. Such a odd feeling and in the summer its easier to ground myself, I just walk outside without my shoes and socks on but its too cold to do that now. I kinda feel like I’m in a pinball machine, just being beating from side to side, up, down and every place in between, not being able to hold on or stop.

I’ve had now new changes from the testosterone this week, my leg and armpit hair are getting nice and long now so that’s pretty cool. I just want my voice to hurry up and break lol. But everything transition wise is going ok, I just wish things would move along a bit quicker but not much I can do about that. I do need to find out the results of last weeks bloods.

Yesterday was Trans day of Remembrance, on Sunday I went to a TDoR service where they read out the names of the 325 trans brothers and sisters who died due to transphobic violence this year, although I suspect the number is much higher then that. It was hard to listen to all these names being read out and to hear how they died. It made me feel grateful to live somewhere that I feel safe to be who I am and I’ve not come across any transphobia in real life. I hope that one day, there will be no ones name on that list and everyone will be able to live their life happily and in safety.

If you’re trans and your reading this or you’re questioning your gender identity, keep strong, live your truth, you are loved, you are wanted, you’re not weird, broken or damaged. You are a wonderful human with the strength the live your life in the most authentic way. Trans is beautiful ❤

^ Trans day of Remembrance service ❤

Week 13 on T

^ This weeks pic… excuse the fluffy hair lol

 

That’s it for this week,

Peace out

Batman

Hospital appointment

Woke up at a reasonable time again this morning and had some yummy ready brek 🙂 But for some reason I over indulged and kept eating even though I was full….Kinda of just did it without really being mindful of what I was doing. So felt a bit sick and my head was hurting, so I led on the sofa for an hour and had a little sleep. 

I woke up at 12 pm, did 30 sit ups and then had a shower and got dressed. Took my foxy girl out for a wee, then came back and had lunch. I’m trying to eat 3 decent meals a day so I don’t eat in between and luckily eating lunch this afternoon before I went out worked! I didn’t eat till I made dinner. I was feeling a bit achy so I took some pain killers, I hid some treats around the flat for the animals 🙂 and I chilled out playing fb games before I had to head out to my hospital appointment. 

I headed out at just before 2 pm, a bit later then I anticipated, but glad I didn’t leave earlier. I got on my 1st bus to Bournemouth and just chilled out looking out the window listening to my music. Got off at Bournemouth and crossed the road and waited for my 2nd bus, that stops right outside of the hospital. I got there 20mins before my appointment time, but they are such a good hospital as it is only a little village hospital, I got seen straight away. We had so much to talk about as it had been 6months since he last saw me. He was more interested in the results of my CT scan of my sinuses, we looked at my scan pictures, but there wasn’t a report to go along with it. But even I could see that one side of my sinuses is worse then the other. He pushed up my methotrexate to 25mgs a week, which is max dose and he wants to see me in 3months. But I might ring up tomorrow to ask if he can sort out getting the steroid injection in my big toe joint as he got distracted by my scan. He’s over all happy with how I am doing, just bumbling along. Not in remission, but not massively ill. So yea I’ve got some questions I want to ask my ENT doc on Thursday, like is it possible for reconstruction surgery on my nose and if it is worth being referred back to the Royal national throat nose and ears hospital in London to see if there is anything more they can do for me. Took me an hour and a half to get home on the bus. Came home to a very happy puppy 🙂 I just chilled out before I made dinner.

I had a chicken breast, roast potatoes, peas and onion gravy for dinner 🙂 it was yummy!

Just been chilling out this evening, feeling a bit tired after my hospital app. Feeling ok…. not happy or sad, just ok…. verging on numb.

Peace out

Tank girl x