LOCKDOWN SUCKS

I’ve not written anything for a while because there is SO much in my head, so much to write it feels too overwhelming to even begin to think through and process.

Things keep popping up that I thought I was done dealing with, one thing/person in particular and it sucks! Sometimes I really hate being so sensitive as things seem to take forever to stop hurting over and over about the same thing, people, situations etc. I wish so much was different, I wish I was different but there’s little I can do to change any of that now.

I was searching through paperwork on Monday and found a few receipts and a letter that stirred up a lot of emotions. I don’t know what to do with this letter, keeping it isn’t good but I’m not ready to let go. I’m not ready to let go of this person, I still feel as raw as when we broke up, that was 19 months ago. I know healing isn’t linear but I feel like some of my wounds never fully heal, despite the work I put in, despite not wanting to be hurting anymore.

Lockdown has stirred up so much stuff within me and its hard being lockdown on my own. Lockdown has stripped me of any kind of intimacy, there’s loads of different ways to be intimate, social, emotional, intellectual, physical etc. And this part of lockdown is starting to become increasingly difficult to deal with. I didn’t realise how much I miss intimacy, how much I need it. I definitely miss it so much in a more romantic way, fuck I miss that so much, but I miss that person so much too.

This disconnection from humans is brutal and unnatural, we’re not built to be alone, we’re not built for this much with no physical contact. It’s not good for anyone’s mental health and it feels like I’m being pulled and dragged back into a place I worked so hard to get out of, 1 step forward 1000 back. I feel disconnect but at the same time I feel overwhelmed and feel everything.

I am getting used to the new routine, letting go and trying to focus on the day to day rather then looking into the future. That part is easy to deal with now, it was really hard at the start because I struggle with changes, especially big changes and changes in routine. But kinda feels nice to be relaxing more and being outside more with the dogs, I like that most places I walk feels calmer, I don’t miss the busyness of town and the noise of the people doing food shopping.

Some days are better then others but everyday the swirling mess of feelings is stuck inside my brain.

I’ve always felt quite lonely for as long as I can remember, never felt like I quite belonged and these feelings kinda come and go. But lockdown has stirred all that up again and it kinda feels like I’m gonna be alone forever.

Going over the same old thoughts, same old circles round and round. Feel like I’ll always be stuck here. I’m always being told that working on yourself comes from within, only you can change yourself etc. But I try so hard and it doesn’t seem to be good enough, it never changes, not really. Maybe I just can’t do it alone, but also meant to be alone. Feel like I’m gonna be stuck with this internal pain forever.

Peace out

Zak

Inner monologue

I wrote this early hours of this morning and thought I’d share the sort of stuff that runs through my brain.

Inner monologue

Body needs to rest but my brain needs that’s physical stimulation which is maybe where/when/why I get so agitated and frustrated as I’m not physically working moving enough and my brain needs that stimulation/sensation in order to be able to focus and function better

But obviously having a chronic illness rest time is hugely important and essential to keep my body well.

My brain is also easily overstimulated which can either leave me feeling drained and overwhelmed or hyper and unable to sleep or settle down.

It’s been such a great journey learning more about myself and how my brain is working and connecting those dots.

Pretty much everything I write isn’t based in science, just my own personal experience, discovery and exploration of myself and how I work and function, which is fascinating.

I’m heading towards 35 and I’m finally figuring myself out, in a way I’ve never really looked at before.

When I have counselling before it’s was always based around dealing with the situations I was currently dealing with like self harm and depression. I never really delved into my past and never really spoke about the why, why I am the I am, what’s making me tick.

This round of counselling, I mean yeah I was struggling big time with anxiety and depression. But I feel like I’ve been way more open with my current counsellor, I’ve delved deeper than just surface stuff and I’ve been given the space and opportunity to look at things completely differently and it’s been super fascinating and now when I’ll just get random thoughts much like how this post started from a light bulb moment I suppose and I’ve just been writing and writing and a lot of my scribbles don’t make it into a blog but I’ve got so many notes all over the place I will type them up and turn them into some kind of order as I think it’s such an important part of the process and journey of rediscovering who I am outside of friendships and relationships and outside of my transition.

I don’t think I’ve ever really known who I am and where I fit. But I’m slowly learning and discovering more about myself and it’s exciting.

I’m starting to like me and who I am, what I represent and what I can contribute to this life.

I’ve always felt like a lost soul, just kinda floating around, not really fitting in or not even really needed.

I’m started to feel more grounded in my body, in my mind and in my soul, the essence of who I am and why I’m here. Feels super weird but also pretty cool.

My sessions end this month and I’m feeling pretty confident that I can continue this journey myself. Just gotta keep writing out all these thoughts in my head and continue to listen to myself and the different aspects that make up me and make sure all needs are met where possible so I can continue to be the best version of me.

I did write another note of stuff I was thinking about last night but I will post that separately as its pretty long.

Also reading this back I have little recollection of writing this, I knew I wrote it but I was so in the moment and everything was just flowing, which I think the real me is able to come into power and be at my most raw and vulnerable.

Peace out

Zak

Grumpy boy

The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a struggle, I’ve been feeling so agitated, grumpy, achy and exhausted. A lot of it has to do with having stopped taking trazadone, which is slowly working its way out of my system.

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything as well. I’ve taken a bit of a step back from life, by not answering messages straight away, as it feels too much and I just need that time and space and also taken a step back from people, some days the thought of having other people near me, especially a lot of people almost feels like a physical pain, which is really hard to explain Even just going to the shops to get food is difficult and I put it off until I really have to go. I also feel like I need a protective bubble around myself as I’m always nervous about people being near me, touching me etc, especially random people I don’t know.

Being just on my own is so much easier, as I don’t have to explain myself, or feel like I have to perform, or be happy or whatever. I can just be grumpy and irritable, without upsetting anyone by accident.

Its just much less pressure and feels freeing. 1:1 with someone isn’t as daunting, I think my social anxiety has really been kicking in due to coming off my meds. But I’m sure with a little time and patience I’ll be alright again. Just need to give myself some space to breathe.

I get so frustrated with myself for feeling grumpy and irritable and I know its usually because I’m trying to stop myself from feeling low, as if I let myself feel low, its a hard work to make myself feel better again. So I fight against just allowing myself to feel how I feel, which just makes the whole process longer, then if I just let myself feel sad in the first place!

I’ve also come to realise that I’m an introvert, I also used the think I was a bit of an extrovert. But I don’t think I am at all. I’m still really quite shy, which has something that has never really changed since I was small. I need my own space to be and recover from social interactions, I prefer my own company, being around lots of people is exhausting.

I think because I am quite good at coming across who is someone who is fairly confident but I’ve spent my life being my own advocate to get what I need from services, mainly hospitals/doctors etc.

But yeah I’m a pretty shy, anxiety filled human lol.

Hopefully in the next few weeks when the trazadone has come out of my system fully, I’ll start to feel a bit better again.

I got a SAD lamp, which I’ve been using most days. Haven’t noticed a difference just yet, but I’ll keep with it and maybe use it in the morning rather then the evening.

Peace out

Zak

Lost boy

When I’m feeling low and I make silly mistakes it’s hard not to tear myself down.

For example, I’m currently on the coach to London and I was feeling ok. But then I forgot to pick up my appointment letter and deed poll. So now I feel like shit, negative thoughts running through my head. Like how can I be so fucking stupid!? I even had it out on the side ready to go… I just didn’t pick it up! 🤬😡 so angry at myself.

The difference is, if I was feeling ok it wouldn’t bother me, I’d just get over it.

But at the moment I feel super sensitive, overly emotional and pretty worthless. I hate feeling like this so much, I just wanna feel happy. It’s hard getting out of this negative funk 😔 but I’m trying hard.

I hate feeling so sensitive, every little thing cuts really deep and hurts a lot. I don’t want to feel like this but I can’t seem to get a handle on it.

Just feel so vulnerable and exposed, it’s not a comfortable feeling. As I’m usually quite closed off. But I feel naked, like my heart is exposed for all to see. I can’t hide how I feel.

I feel like a lost child, who’s been left out in the wilderness to fend for himself. I’m terrified of my emotions, scared of feeling vulnerable, scared of feeling so deeply, scared of feeling happy because often with happiness come heartache.

I feel so fragile like a egg shell, the slightest knock will shatter me and I won’t be able to piece myself back together again.

Some people will saying feeling sensitive is a strength, but how comes I feel so weak?

I just want to feel happy

Peace

Zak

Transition update – Week 45 on T

Its been a funny old week this week, I’ve mainly been feeling really overwhelmed with different emotions and I’ve started to unpick them and try and make sense of it all, in order to hopefully ease how I feel.

I’ve mainly been feeling super anxious, awkward, uncomfortable and generally out of place. I think part of that is the dysphoria but some of it isn’t.

Things are going well and its uncomfortable so a part of me wants to hit self destruct and fuck it all up because its easier but the other part of me wants so much to push through these uneasy feelings and get past all the negative patterns. Self destruction would be the easiest option but I will never move forward if I do… so I’m gonna work hard to push through this uncomfortable stage because I do deserve to be happy (even if I don’t always believe it)

I’ll get through I always do, I just gotta keep working on myself to move forward.

It’s hard to know what’s the gender dysphoria and what’s not as it’s all a bit jumbled up but I’m working on slowly unpicking things and mainly trying to name my emotions so I can see what’s what.

I have my first consultation for top surgery in 3 weeks which I’m super excited for! I literally can’t wait!

Week 45 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 12 on T

Woohoo 12 weeks on testosterone, time has flown so quickly. I did my 4th injection today in my butt and that went well, although I did hesitate a bit but I’m putting  that down to the traumatic blood test I had this morning.

This morning I had to have a fasting blood test to check my testosterone levels, I hadn’t eaten since 9pm last night. I have had fasting blood tests done before so I knew the drill. Usually when you go in for a fasting blood test they ask you when you last ate or drank anything but the nurse didn’t ask me that but I didn’t think anything of it. Then as she starts looking for a vein I notice her hands are really shaky, definitely not something you want a nurse to be doing when they are about to stick you with a needle. She jabbed my arm the first time and wow she had absolutely no control over the needle whatsoever and she tried again and it was pure luck that she got it, not because she was skilled at it. As she was taking the needle out she pricked me in the arm with the needle because her hands were so shaky. I have never had an experience like it in the 17 years that I’ve had regular blood tests, in no way should that nurse be taking anyone’s blood at all! She left me with a severely bruised vein which was sticking up out of my arm, luckily its gone down now but it really hurt.

When I got in I look at my notes to check they had taken to correct blood test and they hadn’t! I rang the doctors to explain they’d made a mistake and luckily they had enough blood to test my testosterone levels. I should have the results next week, although I’m not sure the GP surgery will know what to do with them, we shall see.

I haven’t really noticed anymore changes but that’s cool, although feeling a bit impatient with the voice changes. I really want it to break, I think that would help me feel less self conscious and anxious.

Last week I wrote about feeling self conscious and anxious and I’ve still been feeling really anxious and really overwhelmed. Even when someone texts me I instantly feel overwhelmed and crowded, I don’t know why though, I just can’t put my finger on it. The thought of being around people, even 1 on 1 makes me feel so overwhelmed and anxious. Once I am with people I feel ok but apart of me just can’t wait to get back to my flat away from everyone. I think it maybe depression but I’m not sure…

Week 12 on T

^ Week 12 on T

JDTVE0333

^ comparison pictures

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Batman

Am I losing it? – Update on my life

It has been another 7 days since I last posted on here, mainly because my mood has been really low and I’ve not had the motivation to do anything and a bit because my situation hasn’t really changed much and I’m so fed up.

So what has been happening in my life in the past 7 days.. Not much lol, mostly because like I said I’ve been depressed and I’ve isolated myself. I tried to go to the group social on Thursday afternoon but it was just way too much and I could only stay for an hour, it was just too overwhelming. I think the fact I had meditated before I went was a factor as while it is good, it can also have a negative effect.

I found this picture and it really spoke to me, I love it and look at it every day.

IMG_1428.JPG

It made me think about my current situation and yes while it is very stressful and I am struggling to pay my bills etc. I can still have a good day, I can still do things that will make me happy and I’ve been trying to do that by making sure the housework and laundry is all done, making sure me and my fur babies have what we need and by making sure I don’t isolate myself too much, which is hard when I don’t have much money but a day out doesn’t need to cost much. So yeah I am trying to make the most out of a bad situation but I am also allowing myself to feel depressed, stressed and overwhelmed, I’m just not letting my emotions rule my day.

I saw my GP last week and he said I have fluid on my knee, so he gave me more anti-inflammatory meds to try. So far they haven’t helped too much but I shall see how it goes and if it still hurts then he will give me a steroid injection into my knee joint :/ ouch! I also asked about changing to Gabapentin for my pain as the tramadol isn’t working so much any more.

A big thing happened this week and that was I left a site that I have used for 6  years, I won’t name it but its for people with physical and mental health issues and for carers of people with physical and mental health issues. It has been a huge part of my life and it has been helpful but I felt I no longer have anything left to give the members of that community as most of them just want to be validation and don’t want to recover and some members are down right toxic and I will no longer tolerate people who make me out to be the bad person and I will not tolerate people manipulating me to feel bad for them and that site has one or two people like that. I feel I am on a different path now and I no longer need that sort of thing in my life, I am trying to get away from toxic people. It does feel weird as it was a big part of my life for so long and I am feeling a bit anxious about it but I know it’s for the best.

Update on benefits stuff – I got a letter to say the courts have my information I sent and now they are waiting for the Department of Work and Pensions to get back to them and then I will be sent a court date. I just want it over so bad, I am SO close to it being over, I just gotta hold on a little longer. People keep telling me I’m doing great but I feel like I am losing control and just totally losing my shit, I’m desperately trying to keep it together but its so freaking hard!

My appetite has gone again, what a fucking surprise lol. So I’ve just been grazing on whatever I fancy and I’m trying not to put so much pressure on myself. The belief is that I have to eat 3 proper meals a day, but is that really fact? Do I really have too? No I don’t because I’m an adult and I cannot force my body to do something it doesn’t want too do and it doesn’t want to eat regular meals. I think because all my life I have been forced to eat 3 meals a day and always been told that is what I need to do etc and its a hard to break that thought pattern.

But yeah I have lots of stuff to work through as usual and its hard man, like so hard! I think I need to possibly seek help for the PTSD due to my physical health diagnosis at a young age, I think its really causing me a lot of issues right now, with my mood and just stuff. I can’t explain it.

Feeling a little relaxed for having wrote this, although I feel really disconnected so I’m not sure if that shows in who I write this but yeah.

My Mr Scrappy Doodles is 2 years old today 🙂 We took the bus to the park, it was so nice out, the sun was out and it was lovely and warm. Scrappy had lots of fun swimming in the sea and playing fetch and Foxy just followed us around peeing on everything lol.

Here are some pics from today

Peace out

Batman

I am still a work in process – update on life.

WOW so it has been a long old few weeks since I last posted and a lot has happened.

First of all I would like to say that I cannot believe I have kept my shit together, despite all the trials and tribulations I have been through recently. If this was to happen to me say 4-5 years ago then I would have lost my shit ages ago and I would have self harmed A LOT! But I have kept as calm as I could and I’ve not self harmed at all, which proves to me that I’ve grown and that I do not fit the BPD diagnosis any longer.

Um so where to start….

So Scrappy had another trip to the vets last week as he was still poorly but not as bad as his first trip to the vets, so he was given something to balance all the good bacteria in his stomach and it worked really well and he was back to his usual self in no time at all. The vet suggested he be muzzled when he’s out to prevent him from eating shit he’s not meant too. My friend took us to get him a muzzle and it will be ok for now but he can get it off but hopefully he’ll get used to it. All my other fur babies are absolutely fine 🙂

Medical stuff – I saw my new ENT doc and he was ok, he has ordered me a CT scan of my sinuses to see where we go from there and antibiotics until we know what the next step is. He also did me a letter for my PIP.

I also saw my GP and he is doing my referral to Dr Edwards in Southampton hospital! woohoo! FINALLY! He also gave me some naproxen for me knees as they keep swelling up and are really painful.

Disability benefits stuff – So I have been working really hard on writing my appeal as the Personal Independent Payment people have refused my mandatory reconsideration, I feel I was penalised because it was in late, which was not in my control as I had a charity helping me and it was their responsibility, I have since had an apology from the charity but I am still planning on making a official complaint about it. But anyway the appeal has been written and amended by someone who knows what the requirements are etc and its absolutely spot on. It’s all slowly coming together and I will be able to post it on Monday.

Sorting this out has had a huge impact on my physical and mental health and my ability to do anything. I’ve missed a lot of my groups and counselling, I’ve been quite isolated and lonely. I’ve struggled just to do day to day tasks because I have been so tired, in so much pain and feeling far too overwhelmed, even taking a shower feels too much. It has certainly taken a massive toll on me and this whole process has been a huge trigger for the deep routed anger that is inside me.

This whole process has brought up a lot of stuff and has bought up a load of thoughts about all the times I’ve been let down by nearly everyone in my life, at every crucial moment in my life. My core memories aren’t all happy, great memories, they are mostly negative with a bit of trauma thrown in. I am feeling a lot of anger and I don’t know how to get rid of it in a normal healthy way, I know I am on the right path because I know I need to do something about this anger in a healthy way and my behaviour hasn’t been destructive at all, which is a vast improvement since I completed DBT. I just need to work out how to process it, where to start, what do I do?! I will meditate on it, look up ways to process deep routed anger and see where we go from here. I think though I need to stop fighting and rest, my fight, flight or freeze is stuck in fight mode just to get me through all this but, I need to stop for a bit, stop fighting and just be, that will be easier said then done, as I have spent a lot of time in fight mode recently just to get through each day!

How do I feel right now? I feel emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I need to rest and I will, I need to tend to all my needs and listen to my inner child and what he needs, this reminds me I want to learn more about this and re-parenting my inner child etc.

Just writing this has helped a bit but now I need to eat something and sleep 🙂

But just before I go, here are a few pictures of me and my babies ❤

^^ Marley Moo

^^ Harley playing with her new toys that my lovely friend made 🙂

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

^^ My photography

^^ Scrappy doodles love swimming in the sea 🙂

^^ Me, I actually quite like this picture of me.

Peace out

Batman

What a week and it’s only Wednesday!

Its only Wednesday and it has already been one hell of a week! I’m absolutely exhausted, in so much pain and so stressed out, literally don’t know how I am continuing to move forward and deal with all of this shit.

So Monday Scrappy went down hill, he was still being sick and he started pooping blood, he then went very lethargic. So I had to scramble around and got two of my friends to help me out but we managed to get him to the vets in the end. I was thinking the worse, as I’ve never seen him so poorly before. But the vet said he’s probably eaten something he shouldn’t have…which knowing scrappy is probably what happened lol. The vet gave him 3 injections, antibiotics, anti-sickness and anti-diarrhea and then some anti-diarrhea paste to give him for the next few days.

Yesterday Scrappy was still really subdue and not eating but today he’s really perked up. He’s eaten and played fetch, he’s still not 100% himself but he didn’t eat for 48 hours and didn’t sleep well for 48 hours so he’s probably exhausted and feeling really weak. I’m sure he’ll be back to his usual old self in a few more days. I’m just glad my baby boy is on the mend, I wouldn’t know what I would do without him or any of my babies.

Monday morning I spent ringing around my doctors and diverse abilities to sort out getting my case together for this tribunal for the disability benefits. I need to chase up one doc to see what’s going on, as I said I am at that hospital next week and can pick it all up.

My psych has been great, I saw him today to catch him up to speed with everything going on, so he’s going to write me an up to date letter for me to use at the tribunal, I just need to show him what I will be writing to them. So I am going to get diverse abilities to send me a copy of the appeal, so I can send to him because my case for the tribunal will still be along the same lines.

This fortnight after I pay out for everything I have £38… Yes I did treat myself to a £6 top and a haircut that cost £9 but I think I deserve a small treat after everything I’ve been through. But I can’t afford to get a taxi to my hospital app next week, so I’ve asked my brother to take me but I can’t afford to pay car parking because its expensive and I can’t expect my brother to either, so he’s just dropping me off. I have no money to socialise, which I know its not what it is for BUT because of my illnesses I get isolated very easily, so with no money to do anything, I will become isolated, bored and depressed.. This is no life at all, its just not fair! I just hate this so much, having to prove over and over that I am sick and “worthy” to be “awarded” these benefits. Its soul destroying to go over all my limitations and all the things that I struggle with or can’t do. I cannot WAIT for it all to be over, I will fight until I get my money, I need this money to live instead of just about surviving like I am right now.

Over the last few years I’ve watched helplessly as my health has gone down hill and I’ve not been able to do a thing about it. At the moment I am still having issues with my re-occurring sinus infections but next Fri I meet my new ENT doc. I am anxious about it but at the same time I can’t wait because it does need to be sorted out. Also this last week or so my right knee has been swollen after well doing anything and its has been really painful…But I can’t see my GP until next week. I had a letter to say he wants to see me, but the receptionists can’t possibly tell me why and they still cannot see me until Tues.. lol. I am over dealing with the gate keepers of the doctors, I just hope he doesn’t urgently need to see me for anything because well Tues will have to do.

So how do I feel right now? I really don’t know to be honest, overwhelmed is probably the right word to use right now. It’s all a bit too much and I have SO much to do and I am organising it all myself. I’m just grateful for the friends that I have around me right now and my brother, they are helping to keep me afloat.

I’m surprised that my dark passenger hasn’t made himself known, I think finally after 20 years I am totally in control of this dark addiction that I held so closely for most of my life. Finally there is a distance between us and he’s no longer walking anywhere near me. Throughout all of this stress I could have easily given my dark passenger permission to just take hold of me again but it hasn’t even crossed my mind, which is a huge step for me. I have cut once in about two and a half years and I am extremely proud of myself for that because before I stopped, cutting (my dark passenger) totally controlled my life, say if my current situation with benefits, health etc was to happen 4 years ago then I would probably be cut to shreds, I would probably be cutting every day because of the stress. Like I said I’ve not thought about and even now talking about it, isn’t a trigger at all, which again is a huge improvement for me. I’ve said before that I enjoyed cutting but now I understand myself a lot more and understand that I have sensory processing issues and that is why I enjoyed it. Now I am aware of that I have different things that I use when I need that sensory feeling or whatever, its difficult to explain.

I’m glad I’ve written about all this because it has shown me that despite all of the shit I am going through, I do have things that I can still be proud of 🙂 and that is a good mood booster, least I am still moving forward and making progress.

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Batman

Mid week slump

Mid week and I am totally wiped out and I don’t really know where to start what to say as usual.

It’s been a pretty busy 3 days and I feel quite overwhelmed with everything. I started out strong on Monday with phone calls etc to sort things out…but yeah now I just have no energy to chase it up and sort things out. Maybe I’ll try again next Monday when I feel up to it, I just can’t right now its all a bit too much.

I had the nurse Mon afternoon and she gave me a nose spray to help clear up my sinuses. She couldn’t print off my prescription, she had to hand write it and when I asked at reception she said it was because they are waiting for my new NHS number 🙂 This makes me well happy, just can’t wait for it to be sorted.

After my counselling on Tuesday I went shopping, I needed a new jeans and shirt for my friends birthday party next week. I got myself some bootcut jeans that gives me a much less scruffy look and a nice shirt. I went to sports direct to again look at sports bra’s and I tried on one, this time I didn’t get stuck in it…last time I tried one on it was a bit of a disaster. Anyway this time it went well and it fit nicely and it flattened my chest well enough that makes me happy.

So I’ll talk a bit about chest binding… Trans guys bind their chests to look more male before they are able to get surgery to remove them. I myself have sensory issues with many different things especially with clothing so for me binding my chest has been extremely difficult. The binders I’ve bought are chunky, thick and the material is just not nice and I would totally over heat in them. So this sports bra is high intensity, so it holds everything down enough to make me look a bit more passable. The material is nice and not too thick and chunky, so I don’t see myself getting any hotter then usual in the summer. Its just as tight as a binder and it is quite hard to breathe with the sports bra on but I can’t get away from that, it needs to be tight in order to flatten my chest down. I can’t wear it all day long though as its not good too. But yeah I’m proper happy now I don’t have to stress about the summer and binding and stuff.

Today I had a few jobs to do and I did do most of them but then it got to lunch time and I just couldn’t go or do another single thing. I just had to sleep, I was so exhausted and in so much pain from head to toe.

I managed to do the housework, laundry, took the pups for a quick wee and run. Then went up to the hospital to drop off a sputum sample and get my bloods done, by the time that was all done I was done.. literally could barely move. When I got home I stripped off and got back into my pjs and got into bed and I slept for nearly 3 hours. I just hope I sleep well tonight as Sun and Mon night I struggled to sleep right through the night, without getting up and down 3-4 times.

I hate sleeping so much in the day and having to rearrange things, just because I’m tired and in pain. I just want a regular life… 😦 I have no choice over this which is the most frustrating part of this stupid invisible illness. I have no control over it either, it just happens to me. I feel like I’m not in control of vessel that I happen to be in.

I could talk forever about how my illnesses effect me because they are a huge part of me and it changes how I live my life. I also hold a lot of anger and resentment towards my illnesses.

How do I feel right now? I’m tired, overwhelmed but I’m ok, just trying to take it easy and go with how my body is feeling. After writing this I’m going to spend some time playing with the pups and cats.

That’s all for right now, got the Bournemouth Mindout group tomorrow and the Weymouth Mindout group on Friday, really looking forward to both groups as always 🙂

http://www.dorsetmind.org.uk/

Peace out

Batman