Healing inner parts

Recently I’ve been really focusing on things that make me feel good, make me feel happy, safe and comforted, especially as here in the UK we’re back in a National lockdown and I’m here on my own dealing with it on my own.

It’s not just lockdown that has made me feel like I need to feel safe and comforted but doing inner work and realising that I didn’t really get what I needed as a child, my parents were emotionally distant and often my emotional needs weren’t met. Food and meal times were often a stressful event as often I was force to eat things I didn’t like and forced to eat even if I wasn’t hungry and that has caused me so many issues over the years and also despite voicing the fact I didn’t feel like I was a girl, I was basically ignored and that led to feeling so much shame, I felt like something was wrong with me and I despised myself, which led to an unstable sense of self, low self esteem, no self worth and it’s been a really long hard road to get where I am now.

So now I am trying to reparent myself and look after my inner boy because he was totally ignored and was made to be hidden and forced to live life as someone he wasn’t. He’s very emotional, sad, angry, still holds some shame and he just wants/needs to few heard and to feel safe and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing and I’m feeling good. The inner boy or little dude as I call him is feeling better but there is still some work to do

Now some of the things little dude craves may seem childish but you know what he is a child! He’s not aware that as a whole person we’ve grown up, he’s still 15, sometimes there’s a much younger part a younger boy.

I remember a time when I was 12 nearly 13 and starting secondary school and mum shamed me into getting rid of a lot of the toys that I really still loved playing with because I was too old and no one else would be playing with toys and everyone would think I was a baby etc. I think it was because she thought I’d struggle to make friends but I did anyway..

Because I wasn’t getting my emotional needs met from my parents I was very connected to my toys and things because they made me feel safe and comforted. But they were taken away from me and I was forced to grow up when I wasn’t ready. I definitely think my emotional maturity was way behind my peers.

Now the things I find comfort, safety and that makes me feel happy are probably viewed as childish things to those who aren’t aware of my process and what I’m doing trying to heal myself but I don’t care, I feel no shame because these things are helping me heal such deep deep wounds and I love my inner child, he’s so much fun and he and I are loving everything I’m doing to feel safe and comforted.

At the moment I’m totally obsessed with squishmallows 😍 which are super soft and squishy plush toys. Also can’t get enough of kinetic sand, there’s something about it that I just can’t explain it’s just so nice to play with. I’ve also got a whole bunch of fidget toys and a chewigem necklace that I love chewing on often when I’m writing or concentrating on something.

All of these things are sensory things which living alone I don’t have much sensory input from another human, no one to hug or cuddle with and that lack of human connection is really hard so I think I’m trying to find that similar feelings from different things. But sensory things also help keep me calm, calms my anxiety down and helps me focus on whatever I’m doing.

I think often we get so wrapped up in what we should and shouldn’t be doing because of how old we are, which to me makes zero sense. But because I was trying to fit in and be the grown up or the perception of what a grown up is that I pushed little dude away and made him hide away again because I thought that all my stuff was childish and I had to grown up now and what a load of bullshit that is! I mean yes I’m 35 nearly 36 and I manage my own place, bills, pets etc but why should that mean I can’t love plush toys or cartoons, why do we have to stop liking those things and having those things just because we’re older? I don’t understand it.

I am no longer influenced by other people, I don’t care if people think it’s silly or I’m too old etc because I know I am healing myself and that’s all that matters. I will continue to buy myself whatever little dude craves to feel safe and loved and do things to keep him calm and relaxed because when he’s calm, I’m calm.

Connect with the inner parts of yourself, listen to them and what they have to say, you’ll be surprised when you start listening and helping them how much better you will feel.

In strange times like these where things are so uncertain, we all need to feel safe and that will look different for everyone. For me it’s being curled up either in bed or on my sofa with blankets, snacks, my squishy’s and fidget toys, hot water bottle, tv and my fur babies, when I’m here I feel so safe and comfortable, it’s definitely making each day easier to get through.

That’s all for now

Peace out

Zak

Today is a win

Today is a win! Today my depression didn’t swallow me whole! I managed to do the things I wanted to do but more importantly I actually enjoyed doing them! I don’t really remember the last time I felt really happy, these last few years have been so hard. Lots of changes, loss of friendships, lost myself along the way, healing deep traumas, chronic isolation, lockdown.. it’s been so hard. I’ve been feeling so sad, so fragile like I could break at any moment.
But today I beat those demons even if it was just for a while, but I won’t stop fighting!

Peace out

Zak

Inner monologue

I wrote this early hours of this morning and thought I’d share the sort of stuff that runs through my brain.

Inner monologue

Body needs to rest but my brain needs that’s physical stimulation which is maybe where/when/why I get so agitated and frustrated as I’m not physically working moving enough and my brain needs that stimulation/sensation in order to be able to focus and function better

But obviously having a chronic illness rest time is hugely important and essential to keep my body well.

My brain is also easily overstimulated which can either leave me feeling drained and overwhelmed or hyper and unable to sleep or settle down.

It’s been such a great journey learning more about myself and how my brain is working and connecting those dots.

Pretty much everything I write isn’t based in science, just my own personal experience, discovery and exploration of myself and how I work and function, which is fascinating.

I’m heading towards 35 and I’m finally figuring myself out, in a way I’ve never really looked at before.

When I have counselling before it’s was always based around dealing with the situations I was currently dealing with like self harm and depression. I never really delved into my past and never really spoke about the why, why I am the I am, what’s making me tick.

This round of counselling, I mean yeah I was struggling big time with anxiety and depression. But I feel like I’ve been way more open with my current counsellor, I’ve delved deeper than just surface stuff and I’ve been given the space and opportunity to look at things completely differently and it’s been super fascinating and now when I’ll just get random thoughts much like how this post started from a light bulb moment I suppose and I’ve just been writing and writing and a lot of my scribbles don’t make it into a blog but I’ve got so many notes all over the place I will type them up and turn them into some kind of order as I think it’s such an important part of the process and journey of rediscovering who I am outside of friendships and relationships and outside of my transition.

I don’t think I’ve ever really known who I am and where I fit. But I’m slowly learning and discovering more about myself and it’s exciting.

I’m starting to like me and who I am, what I represent and what I can contribute to this life.

I’ve always felt like a lost soul, just kinda floating around, not really fitting in or not even really needed.

I’m started to feel more grounded in my body, in my mind and in my soul, the essence of who I am and why I’m here. Feels super weird but also pretty cool.

My sessions end this month and I’m feeling pretty confident that I can continue this journey myself. Just gotta keep writing out all these thoughts in my head and continue to listen to myself and the different aspects that make up me and make sure all needs are met where possible so I can continue to be the best version of me.

I did write another note of stuff I was thinking about last night but I will post that separately as its pretty long.

Also reading this back I have little recollection of writing this, I knew I wrote it but I was so in the moment and everything was just flowing, which I think the real me is able to come into power and be at my most raw and vulnerable.

Peace out

Zak

How do I move forward?

I just wrote a whole fucking post that didn’t save! because my internet went down! I am so pissed! I poured my soul out and now its fucking gone! Hopefully I can rewrite it, as I need to get this shit out.

Even stupid shit like what just happened makes me so angry and frustrated and my reaction is probably an over reaction, but when nothing feels like it ever goes right, every small thing that goes wrong feels like a massive failure. It feels like such a childish reaction, there’s so much sadness, anger and frustration bubbling under the surface.

I feel like the last 2/3 years I’ve been stuck and I’ve tried so hard to move forward and keep going but nothing I do seems to work, or seems to be enough. I’m still stuck in the same place, I’ve been left behind by life and everyone in it.

I feel like once I fulfilled my role/need in someones life, then I am no longer needed/wanted. Not all cases are the same, some will just continue to use me for their own gains, but I’ve wised up to that and I will remove myself from those friendships. But that seems to be the only thing that’s changed. No one seems to stay around too long, no one seems to remember me unless I put myself out there. This is just the story of my life, I’ve always struggled to make friends, I’m so tired of trying and failing, so tired of being lonely. Tired of trying my best to break this cycle and it never being good enough.

I feel like I’ve lost myself, I’ve tried my best to fit in, I’ve changed my style in order to try and look my age, rather then looking like a kid. Although I still feel like a lost little kid inside. I’ve tried to be what others have wanted me to be, but I’ve seem to have totally lost myself in the process. In trying to fit in I’ve just made myself invisible, lost who I am along the way, how do you even find who you are? I’m no longer being my authentic self, but I don’t know who that is anymore.

I think being in a relationship last year with someone a little older then me didn’t help, I wanted so much for it to work, I wanted so much to be loved, that I just tried too hard, I lost myself in trying to make someone else happy, I tried so hard to be what they needed me to be, it still wasn’t enough. I felt like I had lost everything, I’d lost the relationship and I’d lost myself, although I think I was already loosing my sense of self beforehand. It’s been a year and I’m still struggling with this, I’m still not over it. Stupid right? I’m 34 and never been in a relationship longer then 7 months. I can’t even keep someone for a whole year. I feel like such a loser! although I can’t even keep friends, so I’m never going to be able to keep a relationship.

Will it always be this way? Will I always feel like this? It is time to just stop trying? I just feel so sad all the time, but I still smile because lets face it, who wants to be around someone who’s always so sad all the time? I don’t really remember a time when I didn’t feel this intense sadness that I hold inside, not even when I was young, not teenage years, not my 20’s nor my 30’s. I’ve tried so hard to pretend to be happy, to just get on with trying to live, but I always end up just trying to survive.

When is my time to shine? when is it my time to be happy? When will I have friends? When will I be loved? So much self pity, victim shit! Urgh even I hate myself and my thought processes. So much wallowing is self pity, I’m drowning in it, this whole post reeks of it. But its unfortunately where I’m at right in this moment.

I’m totally stuck, I have no idea how to move forward, how to get myself out of this cycle. I went back to the mental health team and I saw my psychiatrist this week and it didn’t really fill me with hope, it just felt like a step back. I don’t feel like its the place that’s going to help me. I mean I’ve been under them for over 10 years and they’ve only helped so much. It didn’t quite feel right being there, I feel like I’m not going to get what I need from there. Although I’m not sure exactly what it is I need, I just feel its not going to be found in that particular system.

There’s so much I hold inside, good and bad, I can’t seem to let any of it go, let any of it out. I’ve been through so much pain and trauma in my life and its all trapped inside, every hurt, every bad word said, every embarrassing moment, every trauma, stuck inside causing this deep sadness and pain. Causing me to stand in my own way, stopping myself from moving forward.

Maybe one day it will be better, maybe one day I can let all the past pains go, maybe one day I can move forward. Maybe one day it will be my time.

Peace out

Zak

I hate gender dysphoria

So I’ve not been around for a while, mainly because I’ve been too tired by the evening to write, but partly because I just haven’t felt like it.

I’ve been really struggling this week, just in my over all life. I’ve struggled with my mind and the gender dysphoria and dissociation from my body and feelings. Also I’ve not been feeling well, I am struggling coming off the steroids, I am just exhausted all the time.

I’ve also had a complete nightmare regarding my little op to have two teeth removed. It was meant to be last week, but now it’s this Thursday and I did have someone to look after me afterwards but now I don’t…again! My family are useless, as I resorted to them to help. But non of them are able too, well not able to stay with me at MY house, I don’t want to be recovering at my nan and grandad’s as they don’t want the dogs there and I would rather be at home with all my babies. But the mothership is picking me up from hospital and staying with me for a bit and then I am on my own. But fuck it, I’ll be ok. I always am because I always have to be. Just reminds me of being 7 years old having my first asthma attack and being left in the children’s ward on my own all night, without my parents. I was ok then and I will be ok now, I’ve always been looking after myself. It just fucks me off that at the end of the day I have not one single person in my life that I can’t rely on 100% because most of my friends have physical/mental health issues or both and I get that and I hold not hate or resentment for that. But most of my friends at least have their family or other friends to support and help them. But as this situation proves I have no one, no family that are supportive in any aspect of my life. I miss my dad so fucking much because I know he would be here in a heartbeat, he would take time off and come down and help me. 4 years this year since he died and not a minute goes by that I wish it wasn’t him that had died. I am so full of anger because of this situation and well the gender dysphoria doesn’t help. But as usual this boy will be fine because I have to be.

Today I don’t really know how I feel other then really tired. I feel lost, I feel really lost but I don’t know why…is this just the gender dypshoria or what? I’m not sure. I’ve managed to do the housework and take the pups out but that’s it. I’ve just had to sit and just be because I’ve not been able to do anything else. Sometimes nothing works other then just sitting and being.

I feel like giving up on my transition, I know this is just a thought and I know that nothing will ever come of this thought but I want it too much. But it feels too hard right now, I hate the gender dysphoria, I just hate feeling so shit all the time. I just want to start testosterone already! Being in this limbo, waiting to get to the gender identity clinic is bullshit! I guess I’m just tired and depressed and just not feeling so good right now. This month is such a stressful month with having my teeth out, having my flu jab, sorting out the paper work for my new disability benefit and the anniversary of dad’s death as well. I just want this month over with.

So yeah that’s me caught up, I’m not doing great but I am trying my best just to keep going and at least pretend like I’m ok and having fun.

Urgh I just feel so fucking shit at the moment. I do have my trans group social tonight and I am still unsure if I feel up for going or not right now. I’m going to have dinner and see how I feel.

Anyway yeah that’s all from me.

Peace out

Batman