I love guided meditation

Ah yes! Sunday this bullshit week is practically over! And I am feeling a bit better then I have done. But that’s mainly down to doing some guided meditation, which really helped to ground me.

A quick catch up –

Saturday –  I actually woke up feeling ok, because I did my metoject injection the night before I was half expecting to feel really poorly but thankfully I felt ok.

I’m sat here trying to remember what I did but I can’t remember. I didn’t feel too great though, I felt really restless. I was trying to relax but I just couldn’t.

By about 1:30 pm I was so restless that I just had to get out. So I took the pups down to Bournemouth beach. It was a really nice walk once I was able to actually get on the beach. There was a marathon thing on, which is great cuz it’s for charity and whatever…BUT it was really fucking difficult to get on and off the beach! I just wanted to fucking walk my dogs! WOW even that was fucking hard work. Whoever organised it, did not do it well! But whilst actually on the beach me and the pups had fun, so least that was good.

Oh I got some bad news in the post…They’ve cancelled my appointment to take my teeth out while I’m asleep…just said due to unforseen circumstances. I have been waiting 10 fucking months for this appointment! I am not impressed. But I have to wait till tomorrow to sort it out.

I didn’t have any dinner, just munched on bits and bobs, I was too tense to eat anything. The stress and the anger of the week had all built up and I was feeling really agitated.

I was in bed by half 10 pm and I knew I needed to do some meditation but I wasn’t able to do it on my own. So I found an app called Stop, Breathe and Think, for guided meditation and it was so good and really relaxed me and I felt all the heaviness go and the anger melt away. I fell asleep pretty much straight away.

Well today I woke up about half 8 am but I felt like I’d actually slept for the first time this week. Had my breakfast and watched tv. I did have a lil nap for a bit which was nice.

My friend text to see if I was up…I was up but only just lol! So I hopped in the shower, got dressed and nipped to the shop to get a few bits and waited for my friend to come over.

We spent the afternoon just chatting and watching films and the x-files. It was nice just to relax and catch up, also it was a really nice day and there’s only been one other day this week that’s actually been good, so 2 out of 7 is ok I suppose lol.

I had my dinner, sorted out all my lists for the week. My list of what I am doing and when, what bills are coming out and when. Then what dinners I am going to cook and this week on the menu is cottage pie, veg and ham risotto and corn beef hash! I cannot wait to eat it all 🙂 I’ve done my shopping list so I know what I need to get too. I am thinking of trying going to Lidl instead of Asda as I know it will be loads cheaper. Will have to see how that goes and whatever I can’t get in there I can go get in Asda.

I am feeling a lot better today, my head is in a much better place. Meditation is so powerful and this app I found is great, definitely going to do it before I go to sleep tonight.

Have a busy-ish day tomorrow, got the housework and laundry to do in the morning, I need to go up to the hospital and get my bloods done and possibly see if I can sort out re-booking my hospital app while I’m there, that will probably be much easier then trying to ring them. I’ll just go to where I went to book it the first time round and take the letter and see what happens.

In the evening I have my trans group social at a cafe called Flirt, that’s always fun, I always look forward to going up there with the pups.

That’s it for tomorrow…I say that’s it but that’s more then enough lol.

Anyway I’m going to wrap this up, as I need to take the pups out before I get to bed and do some guided meditation.

Peace out

Batman

Busy boy in over drive.

It’s only Tuesday and my lil brain is in over drive and I feel like I’ve done a whole weeks worth of work lol.

I am feeling a bit better today, my mood isn’t so low and physically I don’t feel as grotty and horrible as I did at the weekend.

So what have I been up too…

Mon – I was up at 7 am for some reason, so I prepared my beef casserole and put it in the slow cooker. It smelt amazing 🙂

I wasn’t feeling it (not sure what IT is lol) but yeah I just felt crap. So I slept until midday because I just couldn’t be bothered to do anything else and I was up stupidly early.

Eventually got showered and dressed and just pottered about the flat, I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I just couldn’t settle down, I tried to do some colouring but I couldn’t get into it, tried to watch a film…couldn’t get into it. I didn’t feel agitated just really restless, maybe it was anxiety about something. I’m not sure, I’m still not fully in touch with my emotions at the moment so I am struggling to name how I feel because I just don’t know. It is getting a bit better though, I am making more of an effort to be mindful or my emotions.

I did manage to get myself together eventually. I didn’t eat my beef casserole as I wasn’t hungry at the time it was ready. Put it on low for the rest of the evening.

Took myself and the pups up to Flirt for the trans group social. I was really hungry by the time I got there, so I got myself a nice jacket potato. The pups love going to Flirt and they get so much attention as well 🙂 they have great food too. It was a really nice evening, I am so lucky to have such a great group of people and to have the support and also to be around people in the same situation.

When I got home, I did the washing up, took the rubbish out, cleaned the balcony of dog poop, cleaned the cat litter box. So all I needed to do in the morning is hoover. I’m glad I got it all sorted before getting to bed.

So today, I was up at 8 am, hoovered up straight away so it was done! Then did the rest of my morning routine, which I did without feeling it was too much effort. Although my hip and knee was really sore this morning, I think its from laying on that side all night.

Headed out to see L 🙂 now Albert is at nursery 3 mornings a week, we can now spend some much needed adult time together without dragging Boo about with us.

We looked around in a few shops, went to the 6D cinema and watched a new scary short film called Lost in Fear. It was so good! Very jumpy and we got a bit wet lol. I LOVE the 6D cinema! It totally rocks! And we had Burger King for lunch. It was a really nice to just chill out and have a good laugh and it really was 🙂

I had my gender identity 1:1 this afternoon and it was a really good session, my mind was a bit more focused so I got more out of it today. I’ve decided that I am going to do a letter to all of the doctors that take care of my physical health and explain about my transition and what is going to happy re – hormone therapy, surgery and stuff, so they are aware of everything and if any changes need to happen with my current medication, then the sooner the better. So yeah I want to start to get organised with everything regarding my transition and getting them linked with all my other doctors because I think that will be really important for all my doctors to be involved and interact with each other. So it’s less for me to worry about and remember etc.

Got back to my lil fur babies 🙂 and I was going to have a lil snooze…but it didn’t happen lol. I started organising my folders that I got for my new courses and I’ve got a folder for my 1:1 as we write bits down and if it’s al in one place I can’t lose it.

I did have a rest and closed my eyes for a bit, I didn’t sleep though. I just needed a rest in the quiet and had snuggles with my babies ❤ Which was pretty perfect ❤

Had some of my beef casserole for my dinner and it was very yummy if I do say so myself 🙂 and all the fur babies had a lil taste too.

I took the pups out at half 5 pm, I’m making the most of being able to take the pups out in the evening. As soon it will be dark at 5 pm, which means a whole change in routine and making sure I am up relatively early so I actually see the daylight! for more then a few hours lol. It also means planning on taking the pups out in the day time rather then evening walks. I think for the winter I will write out my daily planner so I have things planned and if it’s written down I am more likely to do it. I do tend to get the winter blues but I think that is partly down to less sun and partly down to the fact that I usually get more coughs and colds etc in the winter and I ache way more too. So having fun things planned and everything written down gives me more of a purpose and a bit of drive to actually do things too.

Just been relaxing this evening, chatting to some friends online. But I am logging off soon, as I need to be up at 7 am. I start my Recovery Narrative course tomorrow which is 10 am – 1pm, really looking forward to it…but not getting up at 7 am lol! That I can do without! but hey it is what it is.

Right this boy is off.

Peace out

Batman

G.I.C workshop @ Charing Cross hospital

I am so so so tired, I probably should get to bed right now. But I need to get stuff out my head before I can sleep and rest properly.

Monday night it took me nearly an hour to get to sleep because I was so anxious about Tues morning and it was so weird not having the pups in bed with me. But I eventually got to sleep…not for long though as I was up at 5:45 am Tuesday morning.

I got up, had breakfast, showered, dressed and sorted my backpack out. Man it was so weird, the flat was so quiet without the pups lol. Mind I didn’t miss scrappy following me about with his toys waiting for me to play fetch every 2 seconds! I had some time to watch a bit of tv and check my backpack like a hundred times to make sure I’ve got absolutely everything I needed. Anxious much! eeeep!

Whilst walking to the coach stop, my heart started racing, I was hot/cold and sweaty, I was shaking internally. I was a mess lol and at one point I felt like walking back home. But I carried on and I got on the coach, put my seatbelt on and off the coach went.

As the time went on my anxiety lessened because well, I was on the motorway on the way to Hammersmith London, there was no turning back lol. So I just had to get on with it! I had a nice lady sat next to me and we chatted a bit, she also gave me some directions as well which was great and totally spot on 🙂

The fucking weather was crap, it was raining heavily on and off all day. When I got off the coach I managed to walk and find my way to the gender identity clinic. I was an hour early but I was there, safe and sound. Oh on the way though some absolute fucking cock drove straight through a puddle and soaked me! I was not fucking impressed, so I flipped him off and shouted cunt at him lol!

Oh I was the first person waiting…haha. There was another guy that turned up not long after me, so we sat and chatted while we were waiting and he took my number. Loads of people soon started piling in! Which as a bit overwhelming but cool to see so many trans peeps in the same place 🙂 Some were out like me, some weren’t and some were non binary etc, so yeah it was cool.

The workshop itself was good, talked about what to expect, went through the process and what sort of things are available to us, what is covered by the NHS and what things aren’t (all is covered apart from a boob job) Talked us through the surgeries, female to male and male to female, saw some graphic surgery pictures lol! That was a bit gross, especially the male to female surgery! EEEEP! But overall it was really good and I enjoyed it. Oh and I was chatting to a lady in there and I gave her to details of the trans group I go to as she doesn’t live too far from me which is cool.

I headed back to the coach stop, picking up a sandwich on the way through because I was so freaking hungry. But I could have actually stopped to eat something properly because the coach was an hour late! My phone had died and the plug on the coach where I was sat was broken… and the battery life on my tab is awful. I couldn’t really relax because I was just so anxious to get to L’s to get my babies!

The coach was 40 mins late getting to Bournemouth but the traffic and road works was fucking awful on the way back. I hopped into a taxi and went to L’s 🙂 OMG it was soooo good to see my happy babies! Scrappy was crying bless him and foxy was happy barking at me lol!

I stayed at L’s for a little bit, just to catch up 🙂 didn’t stay too long because I just needed to get into my bed so bad.

Got the bus home with the pups, chatting to a few friends.

Got in, grabbed some food, meds, chargers for phone and tab, chucked phone and tab in my bedroom, got a nice cold can of Pepsi and collapsed onto my bed with a big sigh of relief. Ah meds, food and a nice cold can of Pepsi was so lush!

I caught up with a few peeps online who were asking me about my day but I couldn’t stay up much longer. So I was sound asleep by about half 11 pm I think.

Wow it was a really long day but I am so so chuffed that I went and I did it all by myself 🙂 and I made some friends too!

Today I woke up at 9 am, went for a pee, had something to eat and drink and went back to bed until 12 pm, I soooo needed it but I’m still not really fully functional lol. I’ve been in my own world most of the day.

I did do the housework this afternoon, did a load of laundry…that leaked grey and black onto lighter coloured clothes…oops lol! But whatever..

Went into town, got electric, paid my rent and treated myself to some new stuff. I got new trainers, boxers and two t-shirts. I think I bloody well deserved it 😀 that’s my story and I am sticking to it! haha.

Got back and relaxed for a bit, took some pain meds as my legs were aching. Then took the pups out for a nice walk 🙂

This evening I’ve just been relaxing, wasn’t really hungry so just had a sandwich for dinner. Been catching up with my groups online which has been cool 🙂

I suppose I am feeling ok tonight, just tired. I don’t really feel really happy or really depressed. I just feel ok…maybe I feel a little down but I think that’s because well it has been a hell of a week. I think the London trip was a massive distraction from what’s actually going on in my head if that makes sense. I was so anxious and wrapped up with worrying about the workshop that everything else I was worrying about has been pushed away. But I can feel it all slowly creeping back into my head, which sucks but there are things I need to deal with, like the shitty benefits wankers! URGH! So yeah I am fully expecting my mood to drop again.

Physically I’m ok, just really achy and tired. My skin on my right hand is really peeling all over my fingers. I’m not complaining because I like picking it but it does get a lil sore. I think I’m having a lil flare up because every day I feel a bit run down, which is a really crappy feeling.

Right I need to get to bed,

Peace out

Batman

Separation anxiety

Urgh I am really struggling to concentrate right now, but I’m going to keep going.

I didn’t sleep too well last night, kept tossing and turning. But I felt ok not too tired.

This morning I was pretty productive, I wrote my lists, sorted out what bills are coming out this week, did a load of laundry, wrote out my xmas list, cards, who I’m getting presents for, xmas food etc. I felt better having it all sorted.

Headed over to L’s this afternoon and I sat at hers with the pups while she went to pick up the boys. It was nice chilling with all 3 pups 🙂

I stayed there for a bit when she got back, helped Harvey do his homework.

I left because I needed to sort myself out before tomorrow. As soon as I left I felt hot, sick, shaky, my heart was racing and I could barely breathe! I was so so anxious about being away from my babies 😦 I’m not feeling much better now, but I’m not as bad as I was.

Went to the shop and got bits for my coach trip tomorrow. So that’s all sorted.

I’m just trying to relax now but finding it really difficult. I’m going to sort my backpack out soon and try and get an early night as I’ve got to be up mega early….URGH!

My stomach is doing back flips right now lol…eeeep.

I am super nervous about tomorrow but excited too. OMG I can’t believe I’m actually going and doing this! AHHHHHHHH! LOL!

Peace out

Batman

The fatigue monster will not beat me!

Hmm so my brain keeps stopping today because I’m so tired and I’ve been tired since I woke up… the joys of chronic fatigue. But I shall try to string some sentences together in hope they make some sort of sense lol.

I slept ok last night up until 5 am, when I woke up feeling really hot. I got up to pee and cool down a bit, got back into bed and put my white noise app on because I felt really unsettled for some reason and my alarm wasn’t going off until 10 am.

I did get back to sleep until 10 am but I still felt unsettled but I have vague memories of weird dreams… all I remember is being stuck in a room with dismembered bodies..but I don’t know what the context was lol.

Did my usual morning things to get ready to leave the flat. Everything felt like it took forever and it was such a fucking massive effort, putting on 1 sock felt impossible… but I managed to get showered, dressed, took the pups out for a quick wee and got myself off to my 1:1.

My 1:1 was a good session, although I felt like my brain was jumping about a bit because I was just so exhausted and I had little concentration. But it was a good session 🙂

On my way home I got myself a jam donut and croissant, I needed a little snack before dinner and I’d not eaten lunch, only breakfast. I snuggled up on the sofa with my pups and just chilled right out. I did intend to have a lil nap but I sat doing some colouring in for ages, until my hand was sore. It was really relaxing and I enjoy it so much and probably much better then having a nap as I really want to sleep well tonight, I hope last night was just an off night.

I had some dinner, I didn’t eat it all but I did manage to eat most of it. I am putting real effort into not stressing about how much I eat, as long as I eat something then that is totally better then nothing. But whatever I ate something 🙂

Even though my lil fatigue monster was wanting me to just stay sat on the sofa, I fought against him and took the pups out for a walk, we were out for just over an hour. The pups needed it and I needed it, despite the fatigue. A gentle walk always helps me centre myself and just feel a bit better, despite being in pain and being exhausted. I suppose that’s the happy hormones that makes me feel that way 🙂 but whatever it is I’m glad I went.

This evening I’ve just been relaxing, I did do a bit more colouring in of Mr Froggy 🙂

I have a plan of what I want to accomplish tomorrow but I feel it maybe a little over ambitious. Although that maybe because I am feeling exhausted right now. My plan is to do the housework in the morning, have lunch and take the pups up to the heath for a walk and cook myself a nice dinner in the evening, oh and hopefully do some colouring too lol. I really hope I am able to do this because I’ve not taken the pups to the heath for ages and I love being up there 🙂

Fingers crossed I feel up to doing it all ❤

I’m feeling ok this evening mood wise, just wish someone else could carry my load for a little while, so I can have a break.

After that bit of self indulgent crap lol, I shall end this ramble.

Peace out

Batman

Mental health courses

Only going to write a quick one tonight, as it’s late and I need to get some sleep.

I slept well last night, I was up at 8:30 am but I did fall back to sleep on the sofa until 11 am, which I needed as I was still a bit tired.

When I finally got my butt up off the sofa, I did my housework, laundry and took the pups out for a walk. Chilled out for a bit and had some lunch. Love it when the place looks organized, makes me feel better.

This afternoon I met with a woman from the Recovery Education Centre and we talked about some courses that are available. I was initially only going to do one course at a time…..But I couldn’t pick between the two I was really interested in and they only over lap for 2 weeks, so I would have 2 courses in those two weeks. That’s manageable I reckon, even if it means dropping going to one of my groups for those two weeks. So really looking forward to starting them in two weeks, one is called Recovery Narrative and that’s about learning how to share your story of recovery, the other course it called Mindful Living 🙂 Can’t wait to start.

After I sorted that out I chilled out at home with the pups for a bit and I decided to take them up to Flirt cafe for the trans* group social tonight as my arm is getting a bit stronger so I am able to control them a bit better now. Even though I left at the same time I usually do there was like no traffic, so we got to flirt half an hour early lol! so weird, I was starving as I had realised that I’d not eaten since 8:30 am… did wonder why I felt a bit funny lol! So I had dinner there, which was really nice and killed some time waiting for others to arrive.

Group social itself was really good, was nice to catch up with everyone 🙂 I won’t be there next week because I will need to rest as I’ll be travelling to London the next day.

I’ve spoken to my counsellor today and he’s read my post about my past trauma’s so we are going to look at that at tomorrow’s session, which will be rough but it needs looking at.

Feeling ok tonight, just tired as I’ve done quite a lot.

Well I’m going to get to bed and do a bit of colouring before sleep 🙂 I haven’t done any all day and I’m getting itchy fingers and withdrawal from it lol.

 Foxy’s cute new pjs 🙂

 My gorgeous foxy girl in her new coat 🙂 hehe Thug life! She’s one spoilt pup! She’s got 8 coats that she wears and 2 fleece coats that she wears to get her dry after a bath or when she’s been in the rain.

Peace out

Batman

Wrapping up another week..

Sat on the sofa with the balcony door open just listening to the rain, there’s something relaxing about listening to the rain when I’m sat inside nice and dry.

I’m still feeling the effects of getting my head around everything I wrote in yesterdays post about past traumas because well it’s pretty heavy stuff. But it needs to come out and it needs to be worked through, unpicked and sorted into a bit of a neater pile then its in right now. Because right now it’s in a massive great big mess in my head but the more I write about it, the more I talk about it, the more I can make sense of it all.

I haven’t done much today, I’ve just slept lots, coloured in a few pictures as well, took the pups across the road a few times for a run, cooked myself a sausage and bean casserole in the slow cooker as well. It’s been a good day, just been trying not to reflect on things too much because that can bring my mood down.

I forgot to mention something on yesterdays post, I made some cakes yesterday evening and I’ve not made any for a long while, in fact it’s the first time this YEAR I made cakes, which is unusual for me. But in between breaking bones I’ve just not had the energy to stand and bake cakes. Anyway last night I made some yummy lil cakes as its something I enjoy, plus I enjoy eating them too 🙂 I used my perching stool and wow it does make such a difference to me, I could bake and not been exhausted and in agony afterwards. But with the stool, I wasn’t in too much pain or extra pain and I wasn’t too tired either 🙂 So chuffed with it but I suppose it’s bitter sweet because it sucks that I’m 30 and need this to help me. But yeah whatever..

Tomorrow I am meeting someone from the Recovery Education Centre to talk about doing some courses with them. All their courses are around dealing with mental health, all the courses look amazing and I want to do them all lol. Usually people do 3 courses at a time but I think with the groups I do I’m only going to do one course at a time, as I think that will be enough for me to take on right now. I am really looking forward to getting my teeth into something new 🙂 It should be fun and if it aids my continuing recovery then it can only be a good thing.

I have my gender identity counselling again Tuesday, so looking forward to that. Thursday I have my LGBT mental health group Mind out and that’s all I really have planned this week. In between all of this I need to rest, as I have London a week on Tuesday, so I need to be fairly well in every way to cope with such a long day.

I still don’t really know what this workshop is but I am excited to go up and see where to gender clinic is and just get a feel of things 🙂 Plus I get to see my best friend too! I am mega excited to see him again!

The weather has been loads cooler again today and I was able to go out in jeans, hoodie and baseball cap and not feel hot! FINALLY! I feel and look much more like a boy too 🙂 which makes me very very happy!

Just looked over at my pets 🙂 I have 3 of them next to me, Harley is right next to me, stretched right out fast asleep and foxy and scrappy are on the other side of the sofa snuggled up together 🙂 so so sweet, I love how close they are. Miss Marley moo is sat up on her post having a bit of peace and quiet away from them us all lol. I love them so so much, I just look at them and beam with pride and they make me feel so emotional because I love them unconditionally, with every ounce of my heart and soul and I would do anything to make sure they are happy, healthy and have their needs met. I’m fiercely protective of them too ❤ Scrappy did paw today, finally after trying to teach him all summer, he’s finally got it 🙂 lol! Practice make perfect I suppose, bless him my lil dude.

I’m just trying to figure out where my head is right now and I’m not really sure where it’s at… I think I’m just numb right now, to be honest I think that’s the best, as it probably has to potential to bring my mood down.

I better get myself and my beautiful pups into bed very soon, so I’m going to finish off now. I’m really tired tonight so I know I’ll sleep well.

Peace out

Batman

Past traumas

Tonight I’ve been thinking and writing and I think I have found some causes/reasons as to why I think and feel the way I do sometimes. But it’s not a bad thing, it’s good to know why I am why I am, I don’t really think there’s much I can do about it though. Time will tell I suppose.

I’ll catch up quick before I go into the “deep thoughts” lol.

Thursday – L had a rare day and evening without the boys, so I decided to give group a miss and spend the day with her and have some adult time 🙂

We took the pups for a walk, which was so so nice because it was so sunny and beautiful.

We had lunch at mine and chilled out for a bit and had a laugh. Settled the pups in the hallway with treats and toys, so they would be ok while we were out.

I took L to her hospital appointment, as I knew where she had to go. It was a good appointment and she did get a few answers, although I am sort of hoping that the bloods will revel something else as it would be a bit more of an answer then just fibro… but we will see.

After the appointment we went to the cinema 🙂 we saw Sinister 2. L had never been to that cinema before so that was cool to show her where I love seeing films. We were the only 2 people in the entire showing lol, it was a good job because L screamed out LOUD like twice lol!

We came back to mine, ordered pizza hut for dinner 🙂 which was so lush! Took the pups out for a wee and we sat in bed and both did some colouring, while the first Sinister film was on in the background, we didn’t watch it all though. Both our meds kicked in so we needed to sleep.

It was an interesting nights sleep lol, with 3 dogs in the bed. L’s dog Arnie kept sleeping on my head and they were all a bit restless. So I didn’t sleep that well but I slept enough to get through the day.

Friday – I woke up at 10 am, L had woken up before me. We chilled out for a bit. L got ready and left mine, so I had to get off my butt and get myself ready…urgh which I had to push myself because I just wanted to sleep. I managed it though..just lol.

M picked me up for the Weymouth group, it was nice to catch up on the way there. The group was good and it was nice to see everyone. When I got there though and I felt so tired, cold and poorly but I got through the group ok.

I got in at half 6, I cuddled my happy pups and kitties 🙂 just seeing them makes me feel better. Sadly I couldn’t sit down for long, but I did make some money and sold a Superdry coat that I’ve hardly worn, I nipped into the shop to get a few bits.

I felt so awful when I got in and just wanted to snuggle up in bed but before I could do so I had to take the pups out for a quick wee and run. I then snuggled up in bed with my tab, my colouring, food, Pepsi, tablets, tv and my pups.

It was very much needed, I relaxed, had some food, finished my picture in my Animorphia book and started another in my new book. I played on my tab, snuggled with the pups and went to sleep 🙂

Today I woke up early, had a drink, breakfast and pain meds and then went back to sleep until 11 am.

I cleaned up my shit pit of a flat but I felt better for it. Got myself cleaned up too and I took the pups out for a wee and a quick run.

I spent the afternoon, watching a film and I finished colouring in the lil Hedgehog I started last night, who is really cute and I love it 🙂

Had a nice chunky soup for dinner, then took the pups out for a walk, we were out for 2 hours. It was nice and sunny but the weather was chilly.

This evening I’ve just been relaxing and writing.

So this all brings me back to the now, I’m feeling a little chesty, snotty and tired but that’s nothing unusual. I think I am having a lil flare right now because the skin on my index fingers are peeling too which is another sign.

Mentally I am doing ok-ish, I’m struggling a little, with a bit of everything I suppose. Struggling with the gender dysphoria, my mood, eating/food/appetite/food shopping and unpicking my past and why I feel the way I do.

I think it’s weird how things come out as I am writing and talking about things. I suppose it’s a good thing though because then I can deal with these things that pop up and unpick things.

I was having a conversation with someone about why I feel like a boy and this was my reply –

I suppose I do feel like a boy because I’m pre hormones and pre any operations so at the moment I am only a boy in mind and how I express myself (how I dress etc) I always refer to myself as a boy.

But I also feel young as well, even though I am 30, I live on my own, look after myself and my flat and my pets. I still feel about 15 but I think that is down to trauma… maybe. The trauma being my parents divorced 2 years before I was 15 but it was extremely messy for a long time after. At 15 years old I finally got a diagnosis of a life long illness which is a auto immune disorder.  So I think I’ve processed all these events as trauma, so I still feel at that young age.

I also feel quite young because of my interests, I love Batman and playing with Lego’s, colouring in and I just want to play, mess about and have fun. But again I know that comes down to being forced to grow up quickly and had to let go of my childhood and toys when I wasn’t ready at all. So again I think I just regress.

But yeah so I’m a boy but I’m ok with that. But after my transition I have this image of being a suave, handsome gentleman lol but I’ll still be this lil skater boy that might look a little bit older lol and that’s all.

Yeah so I discovered that what I went through at 13 and 15 is/was a trauma/traumatic event. Which is why I feel young and portray myself or others see me as young because I am stuck at that age, I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it.

I feel as though I have made my peace with my parents divorce, it is what it is and dad isn’t here now anyway. I do feel though that the situation has impacted on the relationship with my mum and it is the way it is in part to that whole horrible, ugly situation. But her actions since then haven’t helped out relationship at all either.. and I do have a lot of resentment towards her and I would go as far as saying that I actually hate her and I have no real desire for her to be in my life any more. That sounds awful because she brought me into this world but she’s not been the best mother ever. But it doesn’t mean that my feelings aren’t valid just because she’s my mother. I am pretty much done with the relationship but a tiny part holds on because we she is my mum… But it’s toxic and there’s nothing I can do to improve it because I’ve tried over and over. I feel like I am going around in circles a bit with this relationship…

The trauma at 15 of being diagnosed with a life long illness, now I act like I am fine with it and I deal with it. But I do struggle with it, I struggle with it a lot more then I probably let on to people. But I really have no choice but to just get on with it, look after myself etc because no one else is going to do it for me, maybe it makes me a bit closed to other people but I have to protect myself because any small thing could tip me over and it’s very hard to get myself back on a even keel. It was hard growing up with an illness and invisible illness, it was hard missing out on lots of my schooling. I’ve never had any help in dealing with the emotional toll that dealing with a physical illness leaves you with. That help has never been there, even though I’ve asked more then 100 times over the past 15 yrs. Just left to deal with it.. and it’s not like mum was really there to help either.

Urgh so yeah…. lots of things even coming out from writing more now. I think I’m going to take all this to counselling on Tues and maybe pick through it there.

It’s late now, so I need to start wrapping this up and getting some sleep.

Wow this was a heavy one but it all comes from the heart.

Peace out

Batman