Transition update – 1 year on testosterone

I cannot believe that today I am 1 whole year on testosterone, its absolutely crazy!

I don’t really know what to write right now, but I felt like I needed to do a quick update.

So what’s changed? well I’m much hairier then I was lol, voice has changed a little bit, I sound more like my brother lol and my shoulders have look a bit different to me.  My chest has kinda deflated a bit, which is good and well there are some more intimate changes but I don’t feel comfortable at the moment talking/writing about that.

I’m really tired at the moment as I’ve been up since 6:30am and I’ve not slept well at all, so this blog post isn’t as good as I want it to be, as I’m not quite feeling connected with myself as I’m so tired.

I’m gonna try and write again soon.

1 year on T

^ Can’t believe I am 1 year on testosterone!

1yr on T comparrison

^ Comparison picture, pre T and 1 year on T

^ 1 year on T video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 34 on T

Its been another week on testosterone and again its just flown by, I’ve barely been able to keep up. Its been like a whirlwind but its been good, for the most part anyway. I’ve been dealing with a few stressful situations over the last few weeks, one which has been resolved but the others I’m still working on. I’ve felt like I’ve been dealing with them better then I usually do when I’m put under a lot of stress, so that feels pretty good.

I had another shave today, which feels so awesome! Its hard to explain how it feels, but it just feels right, it just feels natural. I’m so happy I got over my anxieties and just went for it last week.

I noticed the other day that the hair on my arms are starting to get a bit thicker and darker… maybe just my imagination though, but the hair on my chest and stomach is slowly getting thicker and darker too which is cool.

My  voice is finally starting to break and its more noticeable now, even on the phone which is really cool. Sometimes when I say something my voice goes all weird and squeaky lol and I’m like what was that!! so funny.

Got my next T injection next week so looking forward to that as always! 🙂

Everything is just generally going well at the moment, I’m feeling good, feeling positive and making small changes to move things forward.

 

Week 34 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 30 on T

Another week on T, I think I’ve been on testosterone for about 7 and half months now which is cool.

I had my peak testosterone blood test this morning, hate the fasting ones! especially at the moment as I’m on a higher dose of steroids for my chest, so I’m so hungry all the time. I can’t wait to come off them again, I should be finished them by next Friday I think.

Feeling good, nothing much to report really with the physical transition. I sent my deed poll back yesterday! So really excited about that, can’t wait until its all sorted.

I got a new nephew on Sunday which is super exciting! He’s right lil chunk, 9lbs 3! I’m going to see him a bit later, can’t wait.

I’ve got such brain fog at the moment because of the steroids, I can’t really think straight. My heads all foggy, its so frustrating.

I’ve not really been up to much, I’ve just been trying to get better, as I’ve had a really bad chest infection. It finally seems to be shifting now, which is good.

I did a Tai Chi class yesterday, which was really cool. I really enjoyed it, definitely want to find one locally, if I have the confidence to join.

All transition stuff is going well, I can’t wait for my first consultation of top surgery in July, it can’t come soon enough. Its the only thing that’s really distressing and I want sorted like right now. I may look into how much it would cost privately and see if I’m eligible for a credit card… because the wait is just so long. Its something I’m going to look into and do some research.

That’s it for now.

Week 30 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 29 on T

This week I have some big news! But before I talk about that I’ll talk about other stuff that’s transition related.

This morning I had a blood test to check my testosterone levels, this is the trough which means that my testosterone levels will be at their lowest. I then had my testosterone injection done, which went well. Next Tuesday I have another blood test which will be the peak of my testosterone levels and from that they can work out if my levels are too low or high enough. I’m still not convinced that my levels will be high enough but I’ll find out next week.

Again no massive physical changes going on, other then my hair on my face, chest and stomach is getting darker which is really cool. I’ve still not had the confidence to start shaving yet but I’m in no rush. Voice is definitely starting to change, it sounds more noticeable to me now, so that’s pretty cool and others are starting to notice it too.

The gender dysphoria hasn’t been too bad over the last few days, that’s mainly because my mood has lifted a bit, which makes everything a lot easier to deal with. I feel like I’ve got a bit more positive energy going on. I felt a real energy shift on Saturday and I’ve been feeling really calm and peaceful, it feels so nice.

I’m ill yet again at the moment, I have a chest infection so I have more antibiotics and a higher dose of steroids. Hopefully it will kick it soon, I’ve had a high temperature, I ache so much and my chest has been really sore. I’m anticipating a bit of insomnia though being on 35mgs of steroids, hopefully it wont be too bad.

So the big news! which I have left till last on purpose. 9 years ago before I even realised I was trans, I changed my name to Dyllan. I wanted to change my name as I’d always hated my birth name, it never felt right, it never felt like it was me at all. I always felt disconnected from my birth name. I purposely picked Dyllan as its the unisex was of spelling it and I was so sure I wanted a unisex name, but I couldn’t tell you why I wanted a unisex name, I just did. Now it all makes sense as to the why I did what I did.

Recently I have been thinking a lot about my name and how I want to change it to a masculine name, rather then have a unisex name. Since starting testosterone and having physical changes to my body, I’ve been wanting to move away from everything associated with pre-transition. So I have decided to change my name to Zak, its a name that I’ve always loved and it was the name I really thought about a lot when I changed my name to Dyllan. My middle nephew Leo’s middle name is Zack, so it’s cool we’ll have that little connection.

I told my bro and sister in law the other day and they’re both happy about it. My bro said oh well least I can spell that! lol!!! and I’ve told all my friends and had a good response from everyone which is really awesome. I ordered my deed poll yesterday morning, I’m super excited and it shouldn’t take too long to sort out.

The only people I’ve not told yet is my mum and grandparents… But mother is never happy with anything I do in my life, so I know she won’t be happy. I’m not sure how my grandparents will react. But I’m already anticipating a negative response but in all honesty their opinion really means nothing to me. We have no emotional connection, yes we are family but they’re like strangers to me.

Anyway I’m super happy with my new name, it feels so good and feels really right. It feels like the natural progression of my transition, the next step. I feel really content and peaceful and I’ve not felt like that in a few weeks, so its a nice relief.

That’s all for now 🙂

Week 29 on T

^ This weeks picture

Week 29 on T comparison pic

^ Can’t believe how different I look! so awesome

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 27 on T

Another week has just flow by, another week where I’ve not slept a whole lot and my mood is low. Right now I just want to hibernate until this cold weather is over and I feel better.

I have noticed one change this week and that’s the hair on my stomach and chest is getting a bit darker and move obvious, so that’s pretty cool. But that’s it, I’m still struggling so much with dysphoria around my chest. I just want top surgery like now…then maybe I would feel less disconnected from everything.

I feel so lonely, like I’m trapped in my own little world, unable to connect with anything and anyone. It feels horrible and is probably why my mood is so low at the moment.

Being trans is more then just the physical transition, it certainly takes its emotional toll, which I am finding more and more challenging, especially with new hormones flying around. But I’ve got some good friends who are always there for me, which makes things easier.

Yesterday I met up with my grandparents and my mum because its my birthday on Friday, but urgh I only did it out of duty and not because I wanted to be there. They didn’t ask how I was, no mention of my transition, nothing. Its like I’m invisible, seeing them didn’t help my mood, never does when I see them.

Week 27 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 26 on T

Today I had my testosterone shot, I was meant to have it done at the doctors surgery but I got there and my appointment had been cancelled!! I was so angry as I didn’t sleep well last night and I was rushing around to get myself ready. So I stormed out and I was like whatever I’ll do it myself.

Luckily when I got home, I had enough of everything to do the injection myself. The receptionist said they’d rang me but they fucking didn’t or I would of have a missed call! So absolute bullshit! But whatever I’ve done the shot now which is the main thing.

I again haven’t noticed any changes but a few people in the last week have asked me if I have a sore throat but I don’t I just think its my voice changing, so that’s been pretty cool. But my ear is still blocked so I can’t really hear myself still, so I can’t really hear how I sound.

The thing I’ve noticed recently is that I can’t really control my anger, when I’m angry or frustrated it just comes out! I can’t hold in it, I can’t be polite to people. The rage just takes over, which isn’t great! But even with an awareness of if I still can’t seem to control it. I used to be able to control my anger and it used to take a lot to make me frustrated and angry but not since I started testosterone.

The only emotions I can really connect with at the moment is anger and depression, I don’t really feel anything else. I’m just so disconnected from myself and my emotions, which is a bit frustrating as I know I should be feeling things. An ex GF of mine from 7-8 years ago killed herself and I know I should be feeling sad but I don’t feel anything, just numb, nothing. Yes sometimes when people die you can go into shock and feel numb, but I feel like this a lot, so I know its not shock. Sometimes when I go outside I purposely go out without enough jumpers on so I feel the cold, so I can feel something!

I don’t really know how to fix it other then have an awareness of it. Maybe it will get better after top surgery… but it might not.

That’s all I really have to say this week, it feels good to have written everything down and got it all out.

^ Testosterone shot stuff 😀

Week 26 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 25 on T

I don’t know where to even start this week, its not been the best week ever.

I’ll stick to transition stuff for now and I may write another blog about everything else I’ve got going on. I probably need to get it out, as I find writing always helps me process me emotions a bit easier then just talking about things.

Anyway transition stuff, again not much to report but I suppose there wont be as I do these updates weekly. Some people have said my voice sounds a bit different this week so that’s cool.

I can’t write anymore, my brain has shut off. I’m tired and even sure how I’m doing right now.

Week 25 on T

^ This weeks pic

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 24 on T

Another week on testosterone and there’s no changes to report, well apart from my voice I think is a bit deeper. I’ve been coughing a lot the last few days so that could be why.

I had a letter from the bank on Monday, it was from the fraud team and it was in my birth details! I was so furious!! It’s bad enough they had the wrong details, but the fact it was from the fraud team makes it fucking worse!

I went into the bank to explain the situation and the lady I spoke to was really nice and I didn’t even have to explain that I was transgender, which was really cool as I get fed up of explaining myself all the time. She spoke to the fraud people for me and from what she was saying I think they thought that I was 2 different people… which I can kinda understand. But hopefully its all sorted now and I won’t get another letter like this.

When this sort of thing happens, it makes me so angry and causes so much dysphoria and distress. It takes a day or two to calm down and get over it, I usually try and do things to that I know will make me feel better. For example, I have a nap, watch a film or series that I love, take the dogs out, be with good friends.. etc That usually helps me feel a bit better, sometimes I even look at letters that I’ve got that are written in the correct details, to remind myself that it was just this one letter that was fucked up.

Other then that I’m doing good, just been really tired and achy this week as I’ve been over doing it a bit. Generally my mood has been really good, I think the testosterone has a lot to do with that I think.

Week 24 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 23 on T

Woohoo! Today was injection day, that always makes me feel really good. Not that I wasn’t feeling good before but its just something I always really look forward too.

I update twice last week as my GP rang to say my T levels were low and I could inject every 3 weeks, rather then every 4 weeks.

He also wants me to get my injections done at the doctors surgery rather then me doing it and to be honest I’m happy with that. My surgery is literally across the road so its not far to get too and I’ve been struggling to open the testosterone bottles because I have hyper mobility, I just don’t have the power in my hands to crack them open safely. So I don’t mind someone else jabbing my in the butt.

Hopefully now I will see some significant changes, as its all been super slow and very minimal. Although some of my friends don’t agree with that, I don’t see the changes they do and I don’t feel it either. So I’ve been feeling really frustrated with the whole thing, hopefully this will sort it out but I’m still sceptical that its still going to be too low.

I’ve gotta have some more bloods in 9 weeks before my 3rd injection and then another blood test 7 days later. Then we’ll be able to see if my testosterone levels have improved or not.

Other then feeling frustrated with low T levels, everything else have been going alright. My PIP forms are currently being assessed, I so hope I don’t need to go for a face to face assessment, they’re so horrible and so degrading.

My mood has been a lot better then it was in December, I feel much calmer and more settled. Anxiety is still an issue but its not as intense as it was, its far more manageable now.

Week 23 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Well that’s it for now

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 22 on T part 2

I thought I’d post a quick update about my testosterone levels.

I spoke to my GP yesterday and he said my levels were low, which I already knew they as the physical changes have been really really slow, especially my voice. It should have broken by now and its now even close to it, which is fucking frustrating.

As my levels are low, he said I can do my injection every 3 weeks for 9 week and then have some more bloods done. I have a feeling it still wont be enough but I’ll just have to wait and see in 9 weeks time.

I’m feeling a bit better knowing for sure my T levels are low, just wish it was sorted out sooner.

As next week is the 3rd week after my last injection, it means I can inject on Tues, so really looking forward to that. Hopefully my voice will start breaking properly!

Peace out

Dyllan