Over did it – catch up

I’ve not posted for a week and that’s because I’ve been so busy, I haven’t really stopped until today. Its been great and I’ve been having a good time but I’ve totally over done it and I feel so awful today, so exhausted.

I’ll do a quick catch up of what I’ve been up too this week.

Wednesday – I don’t really remember much from this day as its so long as. But I remember I had to stay in for someone to come and lower my shower pole, so I can now reach it when sat on my shower stool. I rang up the RSPCA to get a voucher to get Harley Spayed and microchipped. I think I just relaxed and pottered about the flat, doing the housework and laundry.

Thursday – This day was SO long! I saw my bone doc in the morning and WOW that was a real shit appointment and I really despise her!

This was my FB status about it..

I really dislike my bone doc. She doesn’t listen and she doesn’t care! I asked for my whole condition/symptoms to be reviewed and she kept asking me what I meant… If I want my hyper mobility looked into I have to ask my gp to refer me to some genetic place in Southampton… She wasn’t really clear about this.

She’s still banging on about coming off steroids… So in a few weeks after my blood results today I get to start azathioprine and it that goes well then she wants to start lowering steroids again…

My bloods are all negative and have been for ages but it doesn’t explain my constant sinus infection, the chronic pain and fatigue…
And she just put the burst blood vessel in my finger down to steroids and again she didn’t even take a close look, she just glanced at it.
I really dislike her.

But I didn’t write that she wanted to examine me, which is fine and I am totally used to that. So I took off my jumper and jeans but she asked me to take my off so she could listen to my chest…I refused too as she can listen to my chest without me being completely undressed. She did listen to my chest with my top still on but that’s not the point, she was totally out of order. She’s knows I’m trans and she obviously has no understanding and no desire to understand. Needless to say my gender dysphoria was horrific afterwards.

After that I headed straight to group, which was cool as usual 🙂

http://www.dorsetmind.org.uk/

I went and had fuzzy hair cut an styled, so I look much better now 🙂 I always feel so good after a haircut.

Met L and Boo Boo in town for a bit and then took Boo Boo home with me. Got home, sorted out Boo’s stuff, played with him for a bit, cooked us dinner, took pups for a wee, played a bit more and then put Boo to bed. I just spent the evening relaxing and watching tv.

Friday – Albert had me up early, so we went into the lounge and I put frozen on for him and I napped on the sofa for a bit, I wasn’t ready to be up at 7 am! But after that I was totally ready and we both had breakfast, Frozen was put on for a 2nd time and then we both had a shower an got dressed.

Took the pups for a quick wee and run around, which Boo Boo had fun playing with the pups. Dropped the pups home and Boo’s pushchair and walked over to the park, where we played for about an hour. I had to then bribe him into walking to a shop I needed to go to, I said I’d buy him chocolate if he left the park.

We just chilled out in the afternoon, doing lots of colouring and watching Disney films, he really got into Tangled which is one of my favourite films. I love Disney so I didn’t mind spending all afternoon watching them with Boo.

Boo and I had dinner and it was actually nice to have dinner with someone, rather then cooking for just myself. I did have to encourage him to eat it though, as he’s two and a half now and definitely asserting his right to say no, I don’t like it! Plus his taste buds are changing too, he’s gone from eating anything to very little, although he will eat chocolate all day every day lol.

We chilled out after dinner, playing with his dinosaurs and cars. He then asked me to read his book so he could go to bed, it was so sweet. Again in the evening I just spent clearing up and then relaxing.

Saturday – Boo had me up at 7:30 am..wanting to watch Frozen again! While he was doing that I had a little sleep on the sofa, as I do not do early mornings.

Again he wanted a shower with me and when we got dressed we both had Batman t-shirts on 🙂 Took the pups for a wee and a run across the road, so Boo had fun playing with them. He’s so good with the dogs, its so cute.

Boo and I had some lunch, I got his stuff together and cleaned up a bit. Then got the bus and dropped him off with his dad’s family, as L was still really ill and needed a little more time to recover.

I went over to see L and Harvey and as soon as I walked in Harvey was showing me his minecraft and what he’s been building, which is pretty cool actually. I took Arnie around the block for a quick walk and wee.

Headed home and while I was sat on the bus I had a migraine start…and I didn’t have any sumatriptan left!! While I was walking home, through town I nipped into the chemist and bought some sumatriptan, got in and stripped off, got into my pjs, took my Tramadol and got into bed. I hate migraines so much, all I can do is sleep when I get one.

I slept for an hour, I then had dinner, got a shower, got dressed into my new fancy shirt and jeans, took the pups for a quick wee and then E picked me up for J’s birthday party.

It was such a good night, I talked to loads of new people. I even got into a club without being asked for I.D which is great as I don’t have I.D lol!

Sunday – I got up quite early considering I got to sleep quite late. Did my usual morning stuff, got me and the pups ready and got the bus over to L’s.

We spent all day there which was cool, I went out and got some food shopping, I took the pups around the block for a wee. Then chilled out for a bit as I was so achy, probably because I was really tired. Then Harvey and I took the pups down to the park for an hour, he rode his bike as he wanted to show me how well he can do it now. So that was cool just spending some time with me and him, gave L a chance to have a lil snooze. When dinner was ready I sorted it all out. Afterwards I fixed the nob on her slow cooker as she’d managed to melt it…yeah don’t ask lol!

I think I left about half 8 pm, got home and jumped in the shower, got into bed and was sound asleep by 10:40pm.

Monday – I woke up quite early, ate a packet of jaffa cakes and got back into bed until lunch time…I totally needed it. Did the housework and laundry, took the pups for a wee. Sorted out my meds for the week, sorted out my list of what’s going on for the week. Then in the evening I went to the Breakfree trans group social. Which as always was a good laugh, even if it was just the 3 of us lol.

Today – I woke up this morning and I didn’t feel good, I hurt all over, I felt weak and tired, my nose was all blocked. So I just had some breakfast and went back to bed until lunchtime.

Dragged myself into the shower, then got dressed and took the pups for a wee but it started raining, so we came back and I got into my joggy bottoms, as I was still so achy and feeling delicate. Spent the afternoon catching up with X-files and Gotham, while I went through the box of Lego Harvey gave me. Most of it was just random bits and fake Lego, so chucked that out and I was left with a handful of real Lego bits. I then decided to sort through my Lego into bags of their colours.

I did go out for a bit to get electric and to pay my rent, I needed to stretch my legs a bit. Also went to Asda chemist to re-order more meds.

Just been relaxing this evening, had dinner, ordered my food shopping and caught up with emails and stuff.

How do I feel right now? I’m exhausted, I’m achy and I do feel frustrated with all my health crap because it gets my down so much. I feel ok-ish just a bit low but nothing I can’t handle.

Tomorrow I am meeting my Nan and Grandad for the first time since I wrote “that” letter. I’m a bit nervous about it especially as I’m physically not feeling great and not on top form. I’m sure it will be ok…

The mothership text me the other day and asked if she was seeing my for my birthday (which is next week) and I just said I don’t know and she said ok. To be honest no I don’t want to see her but she’s not getting the hint. Whatever though.. she’s a stress I don’t need in my life right now. She’s a negative influence in my life, that sounds awful as she gave birth to me, but regarding me emotionally she hasn’t put an ounce of anything into me. Yes I was always, fed, clothed and had a roof over my head but my emotional needs were never met. Anyway its just a complicated situation and I don’t want her in my life.

Little Harley is booked in this Friday to get spayed and chipped 😦 got to starve her from 8 pm Thursday night. Going to miss her, she’s not been away from me since I’ve had her.

Overall I have been doing ok considering everything I deal with on a daily basis, it is a struggle and it is hard. But I keep pushing through cuz daddy didn’t raise no quitter!

As usual I do have loads of pictures but I shall do that in a separate post.

Peace out

Batman

Chronic pain and fatigue

Days like today just reinforces my limitations of daily life. Yesterday was great fun but today I could barely drag my body around. All my anger towards this illness surfaces on days like today and I’ve got to try and “deal/process” it which is incredibly hard, especially as I’ve had zero emotional support surrounding my physical health issues.

Before I carry on I’ll have a quick update about the last few days.

Sunday – Didn’t really do anything just slept a lot, I was hurting from head to toe. I did go to my brothers for a few hours for dinner, which was nice. When I got home I spent a little time on the laptop but then spent the rest of the evening playing Lego Jurassic world.

Monday – I struggled to get going in the morning, I managed to drag myself around to do the housework and have a shower. Just in time for my friend to drop her boy over, for some boy time. We took the pups out for a quick wee, went and got some biscuits and then spent the rest of the time watching cartoons 🙂 which is a morning well spent in my mind.

In the afternoon I met L and the boys, went for a short walk. It was too cold to go far. They spent the rest of the day at mine, we played with the pups, watched Frozen and did some colouring. It was so much fun, I love playing with the pups an Albert. Harvey is much harder to engage with, as all he wants to do is either play on my ps3 or play fight, which he’s starting to get far to big for now. He’s nearly 9 and getting taller and stronger, he has no interest in colouring in, or anything where you have to sit and use your imagination. I really want to find something I can get him to engage with, as otherwise I feel like he’s a bit left out. He just ends up playing by himself in his own world, but it’s such repetitive play, just the same thing over and over every single time he comes round and even when he’s at home. Its just finding something that’s not play fighting or gaming related to get him to do something else. Its really difficult because when I ask him what he wants to do, he doesn’t really know. He does have potential to do whatever he wants its just unlocking it and finding him a hobby or a different form of play. Autism is complicated, but I will not be beaten and I will get inside his lil brain to unlock him. It fascinates me so much and I really want to help get him involved when we are all playing, I want to get him included but its hard when he won’t join in.

Anyway they left about nearly an hour before I was leaving to go to my trans group social. Which was good as usual 🙂

So back to today, I woke up at 8 am had a pee and went back to sleep until half 10. I still felt really tired and so achy, as I’d ran out of Tramadol and needed to pick my prescription up from the chemist.

I barely managed to get a shower and get dressed. I dragged myself across the road to let the pups run around, I just sat on the bench watching them. I just couldn’t walk around, my whole body felt heavy and slow.

Dropped the pups home and dragged my ass down to the shop to pick up my Tramadol and got a few other bits I needed. While I was in there, I suddenly felt this weird feeling in one of my fingers, if felt like it was about to explode…it was just a burst blood vessel. So I now have a very swollen and bruised finger..urgh.

I just spent all afternoon relaxing, I did try and sleep but I just couldn’t! Which was fucking annoying, I was tired enough for a sleep but I was just in too much pain. I couldn’t get comfortable, I couldn’t relax enough 😦 stupid painsomina.

Just been binge watching things I’ve recorded on sky, whilst playing fetch with Scrappy and the laser pen with both of them, also been playing with the cats. I just sit on the floor and they all surround me 🙂 I love it. They make days like today a bit easier to deal with…well along with some cookies!

I don’t have much planned for tomorrow either, I have to wait in for someone to come and lower my shower pole for me. Its too high for me to reach when I’m sat on the stool and I can’t raise my arms above my head for too long.

I still feel extremely exhausted so another day of rest is probably a good plan. I don’t get too bored staying in these days, mainly because of the dogs but I’ve really got into gaming and all my Lego I have now. I have more hobbies and things I like to to, whereas in the past I hated being bored because I never knew what to do, I didn’t have much to do. I’m able to focus myself more now into a specific task. I hate being bored, it really effects my mood and makes it really low.

 Both my babies have bandanna’s now 😀 they look so cute!

Anyway that’s all for now, I need to rest my eyes from this screen.

Peace out

Batman

Tired and achy but feeling happy

Right now I’m too tired to write but I am too tired to move and do anything else… I’m just glad I got through another stressful week with minimal damage.

I’m still not feeling any better then I felt on Thursday, still exhausted, achy, snotty and chesty. I can’t wait to see the nurse tomorrow and get some antibiotics for a bit of relief.

Today my arm and hand that I fractured last year has been so achy today, my thumb is the worst it proper hurts. May need to wear the splint for a bit as a bit of support. But I’ll talk to the nurse about it tomorrow.

Friday I spent relaxing and looking after my needs, which I totally needed. I took the pups out for a walk, it was windy and raining but it was actually quite nice. Not one single person was down where we walked, felt like the only person in the world. Loved feeling the wind and rain on my face, made me feel alive. The pups needed a good run around as they’d not been out since last weekend. After I just spent some time watching TV and then played on the PS3 until dinner. I had gammon for dinner with dumplings and veg, it was so nice and even though my appetite is better I’ve not put on any weight, so I’m well happy with that, I’m still 8st 13lbs.

Saturday L and boo came over and spent the day and mine. It was a good day, me and boo played with trains and cars. We did try and go for a walk but it was so so windy down there and boo was tired so we didn’t go far. Boo fell asleep before we got home, so L and I watched Legend and I made more cheese biscuits mmmmmmm 🙂

After they left I had a little sleep because I was tired and in pain. I made myself dinner and played on the PS3 for about 4 hours, which I love so much.

Today I struggled to get going, I was so tired and felt rough. Still wanted to go out and do something though, hate sitting about even when I do feel ill.

My friend F picked up me and the pups and we went to the beach for a walk. Again it was really windy but at least it was dry and the pups had great fun running around going all crazy.

F and Benny came back to mine for a bit, which was nice. I changed into my joggy bottoms and sat and the floor and Benny kept rubbing himself all over me lol, he’s so sweet and didn’t leave my side bless him.

After they left I chilled out for a bit and eventually I just couldn’t stay awake any longer and fell asleep for about a hour. Cooked myself another nice dinner again tonight, so chuffed that I got my eating back on track quite quickly.

How do I feel right now? Like previous posts, I feel tired, achy and not too well. But my mood has improved and I feel happier then I have done this week. That’s down to seeing my friends, taking the pups out, eating properly, resting and sleeping, oh and playing my games on the PS3 🙂

It’s been a hell of a few weeks and it’s totally mashed my head up, loads of things have been churned up by this benefits process and my continuing counselling etc. But as usual with the help of my friends I’ve managed to pick myself and carry on. Sometimes I wonder how/why I carry on but I do, life is precious and some people don’t have the choice of living their life. But I do and I choose to carry on and live it as best as I can.

 This is how I feel

 Scrappy at Baiter on Friday

 A wind swept Foxy

 Pups chasing each other

 Boo didn’t like the wind

 Playing with trains 🙂

 Muscle boys!

 Selfie 🙂

 Aw selfie ❤

 Pups down the beach

 Another wind swept Foxy running on the beach

 Scrappy loving the beach

 I love the beach in the winter.

Peace out

Batman

Living my life to accommodate an illness I hate

I don’t know even where to start 1 because I am SO tired and 2 because I have scrappy doodles staring at me, which is kinda off putting. He wants to play but I’ve already played fetch since I got home earlier, he’s so damn cute it’s distracting lol!

Anyway since my last post I don’t feel much better but well enough to go out and see people. I hate being stuck in, I get so bored and when I get bored it really effects my mood and makes me feel low.

Friday I was getting extremely bored by around 3 pm, but I felt too tired and weak to go out and do anything. Sometimes when I feel tired I just don’t know what to do with myself and I find it hard to settle down to do anything at all. But I eventually decided on making cheese biscuits, it’s time consuming but has a tasty result. I enjoy it as well, I’ve always loved baking and cooking since I was small.

After I had made my cheese biscuits I then felt much more settled in myself, I was still really tired but less restless I suppose you can say. I then was able to sit down and play Lego Dimensions and I played for hours. I love this game so so much! Cannot get enough of it. I get totally sucked into the game and lose track of everything, it’s such a great distraction and I played all evening. Such a rock and roll Friday night lol!

Saturday was good, L and the boys came over, although it wasn’t such a happy start as Harvey has been extremely naughty! So I had to have words again and boo licked and cheese biscuit and put it back and when I said that was dirty he kicked off at me, so they both went in a naughty spot! Lil sods. But eventually after they had calmed down and done their time outs we went to a kiddies play area.

It was great as this time Albert is older and big enough to do everything by himself, without having to follow him around and help him. So we just relaxed and chatted for most of the time, but to start with I did go in with boo and show him around, he soon went off and played on his own though…well until he came back for a drink and a person walked past in a Lemur costume and he said its a scary bear, he was so nervous and wouldn’t go back in until it had gone. It was so flipping cute though.

Man was it loud in there! Especially as it was a Saturday and there were about 4-5 parties going on as well. It was a bit of sensory overload for me and was a relief when I got out. I find it hard to concentrate and process things properly when I am in a situation where its loud, bright, colourful etc. I was ok but as I wasn’t feeling 100% it almost exaggerates it.

After we all came back to mine, so the boys could have their dinner before heading home. When they left I fell asleep on the sofa for about an hour but I so so needed it.

I tired to eat my child portion microwave meal but I couldn’t eat it all, I’ll come back to the subject of appetite soon. I still felt exhausted, achy and a bit under the weather. So I took the pups for a wee and then got us all snuggled up in bed and I watched the film Legend, which I cannot get enough of. It’s so good and they got paranoid schizophrenic spot on! A must watch.

Woke up feeling a bit better this morning, had a bit of breakfast and just chilled out. Got showered and dressed and took the pups out for a wee. When I got in I had some time to kill before going out to my friends, so I went for a nap for a hour. I definitely needed it, I just can’t get enough sleep right now.

I got myself on the train to my friends house, even though I’ve done this trip before, I felt so anxious. I just don’t like trains, they make me feel trapped and I am always worried about getting lost. This is going down in my Mindout Positive me journal as something that made me proud today 🙂

Had a good afternoon for Ravenoaks birthday, chilled out and chatted with everyone. Had some party food and even got cake!

Got dropped back to the train station and had to wait a bit for the train but that was ok, I’d rather be early then just on time.

The pups went insane when I walked through the door, scrappy cried and both were jumping all over me. Spent some time fussing over them and playing with them for a bit.

I did want to have a nap when I got in but I had other bits to do before chilling out.

So yeah that’s what I’ve been up too since my last post, it’s been good fun. I have struggled to get through it though, not because of my mood as that’s been alright. It’s been because of being sick on Wednesday and I’ve since struggled with my appetite…again.

Its so frustrating, just as I was back on track and eating properly, I get a set back. Some of it is because I am worried about being sick again and some of it is because my stomach is still a bit tender and I feel sick because I’m not eating properly and because I’m not eating properly I am just even more exhausted then I usually am, its such a vicious circle.

I find it so hard just to stop over thinking it and EAT! I have such a awful relationship with food anyway, which goes back to childhood and being forced to eat dinner even though I didn’t like it or wasn’t hungry. I’m not a foody person with a big appetite.

I know this will pass in time, its just such an annoying set back after all the hard work I put into eating better and properly. Its just like I have to work hard to do anything in my life, even simple things like eating. I can’t just eat, or I can’t just do anything without planning, or pacing myself, or whatever.

I just wish things were a bit simpler for me and I wish I didn’t have to live my life accommodating an illness that I just despise having. Having Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis not only causes me all the physical symptoms that I have but it also causes me so much emotional distress. It makes me angry, frustrated, down, depressed..etc but I get no emotional support for it. I got diagnosed at the age of 15 years old with this massive life changing condition and I got no help and I still don’t really and that in itself makes me really angry. Justifiably so as well because as I said I have to basically have to live my life around an illness that I do not want and hasn’t improved since my diagnosis.

Anyway I have eaten more today then I have since Wednesday, which is good and hopefully this will kick start my appetite back up again, as I certainly need a bit more energy.

I’m not looking forward to tomorrow afternoon, as someone is coming over from Diverse abilities to help me start my appeal for PIP, I just know its going to be so stressful and I just want it over with already. I know I can sort this and I will sort this because I am entitled to this money, I’m not a faker. I’m just emotionally, physically and mentally utterly exhausted and this is yet another battle to fight. It’s a pretty unnecessary fight as well because of our government, they are making it impossible for anyone to claim disability benefits, as they simply don’t want anyone on benefits…We won’t go down this road too far or I will just wind myself up even more.

Before this woman comes over, I have to do the housework as right now its a complete pit lol! and hasn’t been cleaned since Thursday. I feel extremely stressed already about tomorrow, definitely lots of mindfulness and relaxation is needed to get through and after I will have to do something nice to de-stress, like take the dogs out or play on the ps3 or have a sleep lol!

Going to wrap this up now as I’m tired and want to get to bed.

So how do I feel right now? I’m emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. I’m feeling stressed about tomorrow but I know I will get it sorted and win my case. But I do feel ok and that’s ok.

Peace out

Batman

I will never stop fighting – Benefits suck!

Ah Sunday evening…which means I have another week ahead of me to deal with! Urgh Undecided and I have a few battles to deal with this week.

I had some shit news through the post and WOW it’s utterly disgusting and I got so mad! So my disability living allowance benefit was ending so I had to re-apply but for something called personal independent payment, which is the same benefit just different name. I had to fill out a form and go for a face to face assessment with a physiotherapist who doesn’t know me or anything about my illnesses. Anyway whatever she wrote was obviously a load of SHIT! Because a few things weren’t mentioned like the fact I walked in with my walking stick and my recent manic episode. It goes by a points system and you have to get between 8-12 points to qualify for this benefit. I got 4 fucking points! and that was because I have a stool in my shower and a stool in the kitchen, it didn’t take into consideration anything else. My assessment was 2 hours long, I may as well have sat there and said fuck all! because it wouldn’t have made a difference. It’s disgusting it really is, I am ill, I am unable to work. Yet all of a sudden I am not ill enough to be awarded (which sounds like I’ve won a lottery or something, which it pretty much is) this money. If anything my condition has got worse over the years! I mean WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

Now I have to appeal this bullshit, another battle I have to find the strength for. But there is a charity called Diverse Abilities who I can use to help me with this process. I’ll sort that out tomorrow at some point, but the sooner I sort it out the better. So I will push myself to get on it.

Despite all this bullshit going on, I still managed to have a good weekend and I tried just to put it all to the back of my mind. Which I managed for the most part.

I did the housework Saturday morning, sorted out a place for Harvey to sleep in my bedroom.

I left to go pick him up and as soon as I walked in Albert wanted to fight me and Harvey was showing my minecraft stuff.

Harvey and I got the bus to Poole, which takes so LONG! We were just chatting about all sorts 🙂 He’s so grown up now, love being able to have proper conversations now.

Grabbed him some lunch, stopped at the post office to post something to a friend’s kids. We had a look in a few shops while on our way down to the comic book shop. WOW I could stay in that shop all day long and buy like everything Batman. I got myself a comic and Harvey picked a deadpool comic.

We went and picked up the dogs and went for a walk down baiter. It was freaking cold down there by the sea and at one point I picked up foxy and put her in my jacket because she was shaking so much lol. Harvey had fun climbing across the rocks and the pups had fun running about and my crazy scrappy even went in the sea for a swim. I enjoyed the walk, it was definitely refreshing.

I took ages to warm up when we got in and I hurt so much, because I’d got so cold and I was standing around waiting for Harvey to climb over the rocks.

We chilled out watching both of the Ghostbusters films which was cool, I love these films as I grew up watching them and it’s great to share that with Harvey too.

H came over for the evening which was nice, Harvey asked my several times if she was coming over. He adores her so much, I love watching them together, it’s just so lovely.

Treated Harvey to pizza hut and I definitely deserved a treat. He’s a growing boy and ate 3 slices of pizza, which was about how much I ate.

We just chilled out chatting, watching tv. Harvey said he was hungry…and I don’t really have snack foods in, so I went to pick up some munch for my boy and my meds too.

Whilst I was out H and Harvey were having an argument about speed running, as Harvey didn’t believe that H can do it and that she’s 11th in the world. So H set up my ps2 and speed ran through Jak and Daxer at any percent. Harvey loved it, he sat and watched and asked lots of questions about what she was doing. H timed it and everything to prove to him, it was so funny.

Put him to bed after the speed running fun, it was 10:30 pm! H left too as she was intending to stay that long lol! Was good of her to stay and show Harvey.

I was just chilling, watching tv and playing on my tab. But I kept feeling anxious, like I felt sick to my stomach. I hate anxiety so much, I’ve not had bad anxiety like that for a while. It feels like I am about to die or my hearts about to beat out of my chest.

The anxiety settled a bit eventually, after lots of deep breathing and mindfulness. I didn’t get the bed until 2 am though, as I knew I wouldn’t sleep if I went to bed as anxious as I was.

I didn’t wake up until 9:30 am and Harvey was already awake but just being quiet playing on his phone.

We just relaxed, watched Cartoon Network and I had a nap for a bit on the sofa. I could have done with a bit more sleep but I had to get us over to L’s.

It didn’t take long to get me, Harvey and the pups ready to go. We headed out in the freezing cold to get the bus, I so hope it doesn’t snow..boo.

Harvey and I nodded off on the bus lol! I woke up just as we got to the stop before the one we had to get off at! PHEW!

The pups were all happy to see each other and Arnie was so happy to see me that he pissed all over me…. What if humans did that lol!

Just relaxed playing with Albert and the pups and talking to L too 🙂 while she was sorting out dinner.

Dinner was SO nice and I even managed to get Albert to say and eat carrot! WOOHOO! He’s hit terrible twos and is really fussy with his food at the moment. He’s such a funny boy though.

I did my manly duties and did the washing up for L 🙂 I dropped a plate in the washing up bowl and I managed to get bubbles on scrappy’s head! which he didn’t notice right away.

I didn’t want to stay too late, as I am tired and wanted to just go home and relax. But before I left I had to sort out Harvey’s ps3 as he’d accidentally put another disc in when there was already a disc in there, luckily I managed to get both of them out!

Me and the pups got back just before 6 pm, the flat was so cold. I stuck the heating on high and put my joggy bottoms on, my hips were aching and needed some comfy, soft trousers.

So ages ago when scrappy was small, he ate a wire that connected the sky box and internet. But I’ve finally got around to getting another wire…which I got before xmas lol! and I’ve been meaning to sort it out since then. But I was feeling hella manly so I decided to do a bit of DIY! and used tower cable clips to attach the wire to the wall, up and above the curtain rail. Surprisingly it didn’t take too long to do and I didn’t injure myself! WOOHOO!

Still feeling manly and like I needed to DO something, I sat and painted some boxes black. I am waiting for them to dry before I can cover them in PVA glue, so the paint won’t flake off. I made lots of mess and the cats ran across the sheet I was using and now I have foot prints on the kitchen floor! Cannot wait to cover them in glue tomorrow 😀 eeep.

Just been chilling this evening and the pups have been asleep since we got in. They are always shattered after seeing Arnie 🙂 least they’ve had good fun and I did too. I am really tired too but I needed to get this all out before I can sleep tonight.

My plan for tomorrow is to contact Diverse abilities to start this appeal. I am going to cover my boxes with glue, I’ve got to do the housework at some point and I might put one of my new Lego sets together. I then have my trans group social in the evening, which I am looking forward too. We are starting up our formal therapy sessions again on the 2nd of Feb at over the rainbow, so looking forward to that as well 🙂

I’m feeling MUCH better then I did yesterday, I’m not angry, depressed or anxious now. I’ve just accepted what has happened and what I have to do to fix it and I will make sure that I take extra care of myself while going through all of this.

“Accept the things you cannot change & change the things you can” Something I try and live by and it really helps in situations like I am right now with my benefits.

I love taking pictures.

Harvey having fun climbing across the rocks.

 My beautiful boy 🙂

 Bournemouth balloon looks so pretty at night.

I got nice and messy, it is the best! I love getting messy.

 Really tired pups ❤

Even with all the bullshit I have to deal with, from my health, dealing with doctors, medications and side effects, benefits, gender stuff… I still come out fighting and I have now idea how, or even why sometimes. But I do, there’s a fire within me that burns because I want to live and I want to keep my independence, I want to keep my animals, I want to keep my life how it is right now. My life is no where NEAR perfect and I am always a work in progress and I will always keep fighting and when I think I can’t I have a handful of friends that I know will help carry me until I can fight again. I am very blessed to have them in my life ❤

I am proud of how far I have come, I was a different person now then I was say 4-5 years ago. I am a much better person then I was but like I said I am a work in progress, I am not aiming for perfection, I just want to be the best me I can be 🙂

I needed to end this post on a positive note, to remind myself that I am a good person and I have worked hard with my therapy to change bad behaviours etc. And to remind everyone, it’s never to late for change and you can change.;:

  🙂

Peace out

Batman

This is what a good week feels like :)

I have had a long, busy but good week. I don’t really know where to start.

I’m feeling good though, despite the joint pain and the lingering sinus infection, I’ve been able to maintain a stable mood.

I was going to do a video blog this weekend but didn’t get around to it. Going to definitely try and do one at some point this week.

Mon 4th – I don’t remember much from Monday, as it’s so long ago now lol. I probably did the housework in the morning but I do remember I had a friend and her pup over in the afternoon for a few hours which was cool, I got us burger king for lunch and then we chilled out. I made myself a nice steak dinner.

Tues – 5th Just relaxed for most of the day until I had to go over to pick up Arnie from L’s as she was in hospital with an asthma attack. Didn’t really do much the rest of the day other then play with the pups and game.

Wednesday 6th – In the morning I did the housework, took the pups for a run and then picked up my nephew.

I looked in a few shops on the way back to mine with Leo, when we got back to mine I set Leo on the floor with his toys but he was happy playing with the pups lol.

I put dinner on in the slow cooker, sausage and bean casserole. Not made it for a while and it was really nice.

Lunch time, I fed Leo and I had something to eat too. He was getting sleepy so he went down for a nap for and hour. Whilst he was sleeping I filled out my forms for ESA. Not sure if they will be able to read it though, my writing is awful.

Played with Leo and the pups after his nap, then took him home.

I had dinner and chilled out for an hour or so, I was so so tired!

Then got the bus to take Arnie home, only stopped there for 10 mins and then walked over to my friends house, T&C. We exchanged our Christmas presents which was cool, they got me some nice things. I didn’t stay too late because I needed to get home to sleep.

Thursday 7th – I had a chilled out morning, then went to my Mindout LGBTQ mental health group. It was a good session 🙂 I took part of the session where we talked about trans stuff, like the difference between trans and transvestite etc. They all loved the word search too 🙂

After group I went to the hospital to get my bone density scan done, didn’t have to wait around too long and was pretty much in and out.

I don’t remember what happened in the evening, I’m tired so my brain fog is really bad right now.

Friday 8th – I slept well again, my sleep has been loads better since being on the 50 mgs of Quetiapine and my appetite has been better too. I’ve put on a 3lbs but as long as I don’t put on any more I will stay on this dose.

Had the Weymouth Mindout group and again I took part of the session on trans stuff and again it went well and I really enjoyed it 🙂 I also got called gentleman by a police officer while I was tidying up.

Just chilled out in the evening, playing with the pups and the cats. I did the housework before going to bed so I didn’t have to worry about it over the weekend.

Saturday 9th – Had a relaxing morning, I took the pups across the road for a quick run an wee.

I watched a few animated Batman films and put my new Batman Lego set together which didn’t take long at all.

Spent time playing with the pups trying to tire them out. Didn’t really work though.

I spent a few hours gaming, playing blur. Ah love it! I got so into it, I kept shouting when I failed lol!

In the evening I had a friend over, we had Pizza hut, we talked and we watched a film called Sucker Punch, which is a top favourite of mine. After we went for a short walk with the dogs down the the Quay and back. It was nice spending time with E and she said today that it helped her too 🙂

Sunday 10th – I slept until 11 am which was much needed. I got showered and dressed, went into town and got myself chilli cheese bites for lunch, I went to Asda to get a few bits in that I needed.

Had some lunch and messaged and friend to see if her and her dog wanted to go for a walk, so she came and picked me and the pups up. We went to Hamworthy park and we as got there is rained so so hard! It didn’t last long though thankfully, we were able to get out and walk the pups. They all got nice and wet and muddy! and me and F got some nice fresh air, which is always a good thing.

Came back to mine after the walk, towel dried off all the pups. Watched The Lego Movie 🙂 and just chatted more. Which was really nice.

After I made some cheese biscuits, which were so simple to make and didn’t take long at all. I did it all by hand as I don’t have a blender, only a hand blender and that made a bit of a mess lol! But they are so nice but next time I will definitely use a bit more cheese.

Just been relaxing this evening 🙂 and writing this has taken up most of my evening, but I don’t mind.

I have a bit of a quieter week a head, got my 1:1 gender counselling, will be meeting with a few different friends at some point or another, pups are both having their hair cut on Friday and obviously Mindout group on Thursday. So yeah should be a good week.

I am going to try and make myself a beef stroganoff at some point this week as I really enjoyed it when I had it Christmas eve. So I am going to see if I can cook it as well, I don’t see why not. A resolution of mine, which I just thought of today is to try and learn how to cook different meals, rather then just cook the same old thing all the time. I need to learn to cook different meals to mix it up a bit and maybe this will help with my food issues.

I do find cooking difficult for a few different reasons, one is the fact it takes energy and causes me joint pain. But with the stool that’s eased it a lot, so I can enjoy it more. I struggle with concentration and will wander away from what I am doing, so I can re-focus myself.. Although it has been known I stop to do something else getting completely engaged and nearly burning down the flat! and I struggle with timing as well, my maths is ok-ish. But I get the concept of time but I struggle with what 5 minutes feels like because sometimes 5 minutes to me feels like an hour..so I find it hard to judge time… haha I just got side tracked to see if I could find out why I can’t really judge how long a period of time is but couldn’t find anything. It’s probably the adhd and dyslexia. But anyway yeah it takes a LOT of energy, organisation and brain power for me to cook a meal, I can’t just do it on auto pilot, even meals I’ve cooked before I still have to look at the recipe to make sure it’s right.

Anyway that’s enough from me. I will let you all know if the cooking a new dish goes well for me or not…fingers crossed it will 🙂

Oh I did have some awesome things happen this week, I got called Sir and Gentleman both on a separate occasion. So I was well happy with that 🙂 it sadly doesn’t happen often at the moment. I’m sure it will in time and further along my transition.

 Picture of Benny and the pups playing 🙂

 Cheese biscuits.

 New Lego set

 Harley and Marley 🙂

Scrappy, Arnie and Foxy all watching me eat dinner lol!

Peace out

Batman

Happy 2016 :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I cannot believe it’s 2016! Last year just flew by so so fast.

I’m going to start this year with a short post as I am very tired and need to go to bed. But I also need to find the motivation to get up and take the pups out before I can go to bed lol.

So New years eve morning I did the housework and laundry. I then picked up Harvey and Arnie and came back to mine.

Arnie was mega excited to see his buddies and him and the pups spent pretty much all night chasing each other lol.

Harvey was just sat playing games on his phone and I was playing on my tab, with cartoons on in the background.

H came over and Arnie was scared of her, it was proper funny. He calmed down after she took off her waterproofs. We chilled out chatting for a bit.

Harvey and I had pizza hut for dinner and the lil beast had eaten 2 slices before I had even had 1 lol! H was indecisive about what to eat lol, so she eventually went out an got Mcdonalds.

We spent the evening play fighting and gaming 🙂 which was so much fun. We also watched Men in black 3! which is a cool film.

I said to Harvey he could stay up till midnight, which he did. We watched the fireworks display they did at London and me and H made Harvey dance to Auld lang syne lol!

He made it to 12:30 am and he was still going, but H and I wanted some down time to ourselves.

H and I watched a film called The Voices which is so good! We didn’t get to bed until 2:30 am, I however didn’t get to sleep until about 3 am because Arnie wouldn’t stop chasing the cats lol! He eventually snuggled up with me and went to sleep.

Harvey didn’t get up until 10:30 am which was cool, me and him had breakfast and watched cartoons. I was still so tired so fell back to sleep on the sofa until midday.

H got up around 1-ish pm I think, we all just chilled out for a bit. I eventually found the motivation to get showered, dressed and tidied up the flat.

We all got ready to leave, H went into town with us to go in a few shops and get lunch. I took Harvey and Arnie on the bus home, which took ages, we had to stop at Bournemouth and get on another bus.. urgh.

Dropped Harvey and Arnie home, only stayed about half hour or so. Didn’t want to stay too long because I was so tired, achy, cold and hungry, I just wanted to get home and chill. Arnie was so excited to see L he could hardly contain himself, it was his first time away from her since she got him. He did really well bless him, he wasn’t too much trouble. He cried loads though when Harvey went to bed, which was so sweet.

I got back at 5 pm and I was hoping to pick up a Burger King for dinner but they had shut! Just bloody rudeness lol, I was looking forward to a Burger King. So I got in, put the heating on, did my hot water bottle, got loads of munch and stuff. I fully reclined both sides of the sofa and snuggled up with the pups 🙂 and ate.

So I accidentally fell asleep for just over an hour, but it was so needed. I’ve spent the rest of this evening, playing with the pups and cats, watching tv and eating crap! Evening well spent I feel 🙂

I have no solid plans for tomorrow, other then I need to pick up a package from the sorting office. Definitely need a rest day, a self care day.

Some pictures from last night.

 Yeah man feeling fly!

 Me and Arnie

 Best friends ❤

 Gamer boys

 🙂

Happy New year everyone, don’t forget that this year is what you make it!

Peace out

Batman

Stuck

It’s been nearly a whole week since I have sat down to write properly, I usually like sitting down to write but this past week I’ve either been too tired or I’ve just not felt like it. I’m only writing tonight because I’m not feeling too good at the moment, mood has crashed and my dark passenger is walking near. I’m struggling.

Hmm quick catch up I suppose…

Saturday – I had Leo for most of the day, L and the boy’s came down in the afternoon and we all went to a little park near me and spent the afternoon there. My bro picked up Leo and stayed at the park for a bit. L fed the boys at mine before heading home. Just chilled in the evening.

Sunday – Slept until midday, I definitely needed it. Had a shower and got myself ready, spent the afternoon at my brothers, had dinner, played Lego with Jack. Had a good time. Chilled out in the evening.

Monday – I chilled out, cleaned the flat, spent 3 hours colouring in my new adult colouring book, went to the trans* group social in the evening, which was good.

Tuesday – Had a boys day with Harvey, spoilt him a bit but had good fun hanging out with him. Chilled in the evening.

Wednesday –  Didn’t get much sleep because I was so sore and achy. Woke up feeling like utter crap. So just stayed in and slept. I did manage to clean up a bit.

Back to today Thursday – Actually slept ok-ish last night, was up at 7 am did the usual morning things, was out by just gone 9 am. M picked me up to take me to a meeting for Mindout. Meeting went ok. Met L and the boy’s for a bit before group.

Group was good, had some commissioner people come in wanting to know what we thought about the mental health services, as they know it’s flawed to say the least. It was SOOOO good to be able to get it all off my chest and there will be a opportunity to help reform the mental health services, which I really want to do because it is so flawed and people have died as a result.

Met L and the boys for a bit after group. I headed home, got dinner on the way as I’d forgotten to put my dinner in the slow cooker before I left this morning.

Just been relaxing this evening, tried to do some colouring, couldn’t really get into it though, so gave up and started on this instead. Going to get to bed after this, I feel that crap that the best thing I can do is just go to bed.

I found out today that a fellow blogger died over a year ago now. She’s been on my mind in that time but for some reason today she was more so and I read the comments on her last blog and yeah a few people wrote R.I.P and stuff. She had bipolar but was very tormented by the loss of her baby and she never ever came back from that trauma. In some way I’m pleased she’s now no longer in the awful awful pain she was in every day, but just so so sad that nothing helped. No amount of medication, therapy, counselling etc, nothing helped her move on. I just hope that now she’s at peace with her baby boy ❤

My health has been it’s usual crap this week, been really achy, really sore leg muscles, felt a bit sick a few times, really tired. Usual shit, I can’t wait for my appointment with my new bone doc next week. I want off this fucking methotrextate, I want my condition to be looked at again and look into either another diagnosis or whatever. I just want some fucking answers as to why this yr has been so shit and I’ve gone down hill. I think this is part of where my anger is coming from.

Mentally not been doing great, just been faking it really because I’ve worked so hard to get to two yrs self harm free and to be as stable as I have been and I really don’t want it all to fuck up now. Because I will fucking hate myself for it and I will be so disappointed in myself and if I do cut, if I do fall to pieces it will be like starting all over again from the start and I just haven’t got the strength to do that. But neither can I carry on like this. I don’t know what to do. I’m irritable and angry, they are BIG warning signs that something is going to kick off. Like FUCK do I want to up the fucking quetiapine! I HATE THAT SHIT! I’m stuck. I don’t know how to get this all out without it being totally destructive. Constructive ways feel like it’s not getting it all out properly and it feels trapped. I feel trapped. But good old me has got this because I fucking have too!

I’m fucking done, I need to go to sleep

Peace out

Re-charged and a happy chilled out boy

Ahhhhhhh I am feeling rested and recharged 🙂 I have had the entire weekend to myself and I have chilled right out.

Saturday I was meant to spend with L and the boys but sadly poor Harvey was being sick all day bless him. So I spent most of the day sleeping, I didn’t have a shower, I played lots of Lego Batman 3 and generally just chilled out. It was so nice and definitely needed.

Today has been pretty much the same, although I did clean up a bit, did some laundry too and made myself a baked potato in the slow cooker for my dinner, which was really nice. I completed the main story of Lego Batman 3! Whoop! just got to go back through it all to get all the trophies and stuff. This evening I took the pups for a walk along our usual route, which was so nice.

I totally needed to rest and recharge and just have some me time. I’ve had a great week and I love being with my friends and family but I do need the balance and have some Dyllan time too.

I start my 1:1 gender identity counselling on Tues and I’ll be having a 1:1 once a fortnight, so really looking forward to that 🙂

Ooh I took a great video on Saturday of Scrappy and Harley playing together, it’s so so cute! He’s so gentle with her, he’s such a good boy. And I got a picture of Marley and Harley together on the cat post just relaxing 🙂 I’m so glad they all get along so well, I love my lil fur babies ❤

Don’t think I have much planned tomorrow other then group social in the evening. Gives me time to play with my Lego 🙂 lol.

I am just feeling really good, nice and relaxed. I’m feeling quite tired tonight so I am really hoping I won’t wake up a few times. But I am just thinking that it’s a summer thing, I often have trouble sleeping all night in the summer. Trying not to stress to much about it, as long as I am able to catch up on the sleep then it’s not too bad.

That is all from me, the Lego Movie is now over. I may put on a short Lego Batman movie 🙂

Peace out

Batman

*insert*cool*title*here*

I have been one busy boy today! and I’ve been on the go since 7:30 am.

When I woke up I cleaned up the flat, had a shower and got dressed, had breakfast and went up to my hospital appointment about my little finger. She said she’s happy with it and it is healing well, it’s just taking longer because I did really over stretch the tendons and they are going to take a bit longer to recover, but she’s given me another splint to wear at night just to help straighten it out more. I’m pleased it’s nothing serious and it is just because I damaged it quite bad. I dropped off my sputum sample after my appointment, so hopefully the antibiotics did the job and the staph infection is all gone.

I got home, hung out the washing to dry, took the pups out for half an hour and when I got back I still had just over and hour till I had to leave for group, so I did try and have a nap but ended up just laying on the sofa with my eye’s closed. I just couldn’t sleep even though I was so so so tired. Having so much trouble with sleeping and staying asleep at the moment, it’s so frustrating.

I just made it to group in time and luckily everyone was running a bit late so I didn’t miss anything. Group was good, we finished looking at the model of coming out. I really enjoyed looking at it and it was really interesting, the model we looked out was a little bit out dated, so we are going to look at another model another time but it was interesting to learn the stages some people go through when they come out as gay, lesbian or bi. This model didn’t look at gender.

After group I met up with L and the boy’s and we went down to the seafront and played in the water fountains 🙂 We all had fish and chips for dinner as well. It was really nice to spend some time with them just chilling.

Got home to my very happy furkids 🙂 and put a load of laundry on, then I took the pups across the road for half an hour, to burn off some energy.

Just been relaxing this evening 🙂 got the Weymouth group tomorrow, so I’m looking forward to that.

Anyway I’m off to bed after this and I am hoping to actually sleep tonight and not wake up 3-4 times.

Peace out

Batman