Gappy boy!

Ah I am so tired again…and my mouth is a bit sore. I am really struggling to concentrate tonight.

I don’t really have much to say but I thought I would write a quick post.

I haven’t really done much this weekend apart from sleep, I’ve just been so exhausted and I have felt a bit ill too. Even though it wasn’t major surgery, it still takes a big toll on a body that isn’t already performing at 100% so it’s no wonder I feel so crap.

Yesterday evening I did go to a&e to get my hand checked out from where the cannula was. It was so sore and really swollen, I could barely move my hand. I thought it best to get checked out because nothing with me is ever straight forward. The doctor said it’s probably where they got fluid under my skin and if I can get it moving, it will get the fluid moving but it will take a few more days to heal up properly. She also said that I’ve got to keep an eye on it, for redness and the swelling getting worse because that could be a sign of infection. Luckily non of that so far, just still pain and a little less swelling now. I can move my hand a bit better today, which is good.

Today I managed to do the housework, which made me feel better. I hate it when it looks messy in here, there wasn’t loads to do but it still made me feel better.

One of the gaps that a tooth was taken from is really sore and there is stitches all around where the tooth was and around the tooth next to it. That tooth was only a root left, so looks like they had trouble getting it out! All under my tongue is really bruised, I thought it was blood clots under my tongue…but it’s actually my tongue that’s been battered! No wonder it’s all really sore in that area!

Tomorrow I have my flu shot in the afternoon, I hope I don’t feel to ill as a result. I am going to try not to nap until I got to have my shot at 1 pm and then come home and sleep the afternoon away and hopefully I’ll feel ok to go to my group social in the evening πŸ™‚ *fingers*crossed*

I’m doing ok I suppose, I need to spend some time tomorrow sorting out when and where and what I am doing for the next few weeks and I need to sort out my P.I.P form too…I’m anxious to get it all done. Plus I know I have a few appointments in the next few weeks but I’m not sure when etc. I think I am just rambling now lol..

My brain has switched off…I was going to write something about something but I can’t remember what it was lol!

Right I’ll be off to bed then!

Peace out


What a nightmare.. :/

Well this week has been utter bullshit. Literally it couldn’t have gone any worse, well it probably could have but hey. I’m glad the week is over and the weekend is here, so I can try again next week. Mind on Wednesday I have to go in hospital to have 2 teeth taken out while I’m asleep.

Thursday – Urgh I felt rough when I woke up but I managed to get myself to group although when I got there I wished I hadn’t gone because I felt so flipping ill, it’s down to the fact I’m only taking my steroids every other night and my body is not liking it. So the day I don’t take my steroids is the day I feel really ill.

I got home, had a nice shower because I was so sweaty and horrible, I put my pjs on and went to sleep for a bit because I was just so flipping tired and felt so ill. But I only slept for about an hour.

Just had a sandwich for dinner as I just wasn’t up for eating anything else.

Took the pups across the road for a wee and a bit of a run as they’d not been out much. But wow that didn’t go well either.. Both the dogs were off their leads and at first we were the only ones there but then we came across some woman with two huge dogs and for some reason scrappy got spooked and ran off and I couldn’t find him anywhere! I was calling him for ages but couldn’t find him, so I headed home as I thought he may have headed that way too. I dropped foxy home and picked up my phone to see if anyone had rang as he’s got my phone number on his tag on his harness. I had a look around by Asda as that’s another place we walk, so he may have gone there. Thankfully I found him tied up just inside the door of Asda! WOW I was so pleased to see him, I cried. Luckily someone we know saw him and picked him and and took him to the shop with him. He found him running about in the road and thank god there was not a scratch on him! I’ve never been so happy to see my boy!

Had lots of snuggles with my boy when I got in and a good cry too. Chatted to some friends and went to bed because I was so achy I needed to rest.

Today hasn’t been so horrible though, although it did take me a while to get to sleep last night and it was a really restless sleep as well, I woke up really sweaty and really hot.

I slept most of the morning as I was still feeling a bit achy and poorly.

Did the housework and laundry as it needed doing. Had a nice shower and got dressed. Had something to eat, while waiting for my parcel to come.

After my parcel had arrived I took the pups up to the heath again, just up out of the way of the majority of the population. We only saw a few people and the pups had a nice time πŸ™‚

Got home, chilled out, had dinner. I went to my brothers for a bit to give Leo his birthday present. I can’t believe he’s one already! it has gone so so fast. I didn’t stay too long though.

I got in and took the pups out for a wee straight away, got back in again and got straight into my pj’s lol and I’ve just been relaxing ever since.

Got my metoject injection tonight and no steroids tonight tomorrow I am going to feel like fucking shit! So I am not looking forward to how crap I am going to wake up feeling in the morning. But I have no plans tomorrow so I can just hibernate for the day.

Well I better go jab myself in the stomach! and get my butt into bed.

Peace out


Past traumas

Tonight I’ve been thinking and writing and I think I have found some causes/reasons as to why I think and feel the way I do sometimes. But it’s not a bad thing, it’s good to know why I am why I am, I don’t really think there’s much I can do about it though. Time will tell I suppose.

I’ll catch up quick before I go into the “deep thoughts” lol.

Thursday – L had a rare day and evening without the boys, so I decided to give group a miss and spend the day with her and have some adult time πŸ™‚

We took the pups for a walk, which was so so nice because it was so sunny and beautiful.

We had lunch at mine and chilled out for a bit and had a laugh. Settled the pups in the hallway with treats and toys, so they would be ok while we were out.

I took L to her hospital appointment, as I knew where she had to go. It was a good appointment and she did get a few answers, although I am sort of hoping that the bloods will revel something else as it would be a bit more of an answer then just fibro… but we will see.

After the appointment we went to the cinema πŸ™‚ we saw Sinister 2. L had never been to that cinema before so that was cool to show her where I love seeing films. We were the only 2 people in the entire showing lol, it was a good job because L screamed out LOUD like twice lol!

We came back to mine, ordered pizza hut for dinner πŸ™‚ which was so lush! Took the pups out for a wee and we sat in bed and both did some colouring, while the first Sinister film was on in the background, we didn’t watch it all though. Both our meds kicked in so we needed to sleep.

It was an interesting nights sleep lol, with 3 dogs in the bed. L’s dog Arnie kept sleeping on my head and they were all a bit restless. So I didn’t sleep that well but I slept enough to get through the day.

Friday – I woke up at 10 am, L had woken up before me. We chilled out for a bit. L got ready and left mine, so I had to get off my butt and get myself ready…urgh which I had to push myself because I just wanted to sleep. I managed it though..just lol.

M picked me up for the Weymouth group, it was nice to catch up on the way there. The group was good and it was nice to see everyone. When I got there though and I felt so tired, cold and poorly but I got through the group ok.

I got in at half 6, I cuddled my happy pups and kitties πŸ™‚ just seeing them makes me feel better. Sadly I couldn’t sit down for long, but I did make some money and sold a Superdry coat that I’ve hardly worn, I nipped into the shop to get a few bits.

I felt so awful when I got in and just wanted to snuggle up in bed but before I could do so I had to take the pups out for a quick wee and run. I then snuggled up in bed with my tab, my colouring, food, Pepsi, tablets, tv and my pups.

It was very much needed, I relaxed, had some food, finished my picture in my Animorphia book and started another in my new book. I played on my tab, snuggled with the pups and went to sleep πŸ™‚

Today I woke up early, had a drink, breakfast and pain meds and then went back to sleep until 11 am.

I cleaned up my shit pit of a flat but I felt better for it. Got myself cleaned up too and I took the pups out for a wee and a quick run.

I spent the afternoon, watching a film and I finished colouring in the lil Hedgehog I started last night, who is really cute and I love it πŸ™‚

Had a nice chunky soup for dinner, then took the pups out for a walk, we were out for 2 hours. It was nice and sunny but the weather was chilly.

This evening I’ve just been relaxing and writing.

So this all brings me back to the now, I’m feeling a little chesty, snotty and tired but that’s nothing unusual. I think I am having a lil flare right now because the skin on my index fingers are peeling too which is another sign.

Mentally I am doing ok-ish, I’m struggling a little, with a bit of everything I suppose. Struggling with the gender dysphoria, my mood, eating/food/appetite/food shopping and unpicking my past and why I feel the way I do.

I think it’s weird how things come out as I am writing and talking about things. I suppose it’s a good thing though because then I can deal with these things that pop up and unpick things.

I was having a conversation with someone about why I feel like a boy and this was my reply –

I suppose I do feel like a boy because I’m pre hormones and pre any operations so at the moment I am only a boy in mind and how I express myself (how I dress etc) I always refer to myself as a boy.

But I also feel young as well, even though I am 30, I live on my own, look after myself and my flat and my pets. I still feel about 15 but I think that is down to trauma… maybe. The trauma being my parents divorced 2 years before I was 15 but it was extremely messy for a long time after. At 15 years old I finally got a diagnosis of a life long illness which is a auto immune disorder. Β So I think I’ve processed all these events as trauma, so I still feel at that young age.

I also feel quite young because of my interests, I love Batman and playing with Lego’s, colouring in and I just want to play, mess about and have fun. But again I know that comes down to being forced to grow up quickly and had to let go of my childhood and toys when I wasn’t ready at all. So again I think I just regress.

But yeah so I’m a boy but I’m ok with that. But after my transition I have this image of being a suave, handsome gentleman lol but I’ll still be this lil skater boy that might look a little bit older lol and that’s all.

Yeah so I discovered that what I went through at 13 and 15 is/was a trauma/traumatic event. Which is why I feel young and portray myself or others see me as young because I am stuck at that age, I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it.

I feel as though I have made my peace with my parents divorce, it is what it is and dad isn’t here now anyway. I do feel though that the situation has impacted on the relationship with my mum and it is the way it is in part to that whole horrible, ugly situation. But her actions since then haven’t helped out relationship at all either.. and I do have a lot of resentment towards her and I would go as far as saying that I actually hate her and I have no real desire for her to be in my life any more. That sounds awful because she brought me into this world but she’s not been the best mother ever. But it doesn’t mean that my feelings aren’t valid just because she’s my mother. I am pretty much done with the relationship but a tiny part holds on because we she is my mum… But it’s toxic and there’s nothing I can do to improve it because I’ve tried over and over. I feel like I am going around in circles a bit with this relationship…

The trauma at 15 of being diagnosed with a life long illness, now I act like I am fine with it and I deal with it. But I do struggle with it, I struggle with it a lot more then I probably let on to people. But I really have no choice but to just get on with it, look after myself etc because no one else is going to do it for me, maybe it makes me a bit closed to other people but I have to protect myself because any small thing could tip me over and it’s very hard to get myself back on a even keel. It was hard growing up with an illness and invisible illness, it was hard missing out on lots of my schooling. I’ve never had any help in dealing with the emotional toll that dealing with a physical illness leaves you with. That help has never been there, even though I’ve asked more then 100 times over the past 15 yrs. Just left to deal with it.. and it’s not like mum was really there to help either.

Urgh so yeah…. lots of things even coming out from writing more now. I think I’m going to take all this to counselling on Tues and maybe pick through it there.

It’s late now, so I need to start wrapping this up and getting some sleep.

Wow this was a heavy one but it all comes from the heart.

Peace out


Tired of being so tired.

Urgh not so much of a great day… I am feeling so run down and a bit snotty and chesty but only a little. Just not feeling it all today, not even now lol.

I slept really well last night and woke up at 9 am, had breakfast and watched tv and fell back to sleep until midday.

Still didn’t feel good, so had some lunch and just sat on the sofa because I didn’t really know what to do with myself and time passed really quickly.

Eventually got up and had a shower, got dressed and sat across the road in the sun with the pups for a bit, in hopes that the sun would give me a bit of an energy boost…but no such luck. I felt utterly exhausted! So I slept again for an hour and a half, just because I had too, I was far too tired to do anything else. I really hate days like this 😦 it’s so frustrating.

Decided not to go to group because I’m still tired and I just didn’t feel like being around anyone yet.

Urgh even writing this is just taking it out of me :/ meh. My brain has just stopped working and I don’t even know what I’m writing.

I had a bit of money left so I had pizza hut for dinner lol, screw it I’m ill and I just couldn’t be bothered.

I sorted out my money for the my groups and counselling this week, so that’s all put aside. Sorted out what I am doing and when for the next fortnight and what bills etc are coming out and when, feels good to be organised and at least look like I know what I’m doing lol.

I ended up taking the pups out for an hour, I took a short cut down to the sea. It was really nice to get out with the pups for a bit, I love so much being by the sea. Feel so at peace by the sea.

Just been relaxing this evening and I still feel like fucking shit! I just want to hide away from everyone and everything forever.. :/ I think I’m just feeling like this because I’m tired and a bit poorly….Well hopefully.

Tomorrow is busy-ish. Gotta go out to pay rent and electric, gotta take the pups to the vets in the afternoon, might order food shopping and going to see if I can get dog and cat food delivered again from the pet shop. Also got someone coming to pick up some clothes that are going to help the homeless, which is good least they are going somewhere useful. I’m not sure I will do all of that tomorrow, it depends how I feel.

Seen a new pair of jeans I like on Amazon, so going to treat myself to them πŸ™‚ non of my jeans fit me since losing all that weight. I definitely deserve a nice new pair of jeans πŸ™‚ and they are so cool. I can’t seem to find any loose fit jeans in the shops, which totally sucks!

Anyway’s whatever, this boy needs to get some sleep… again!

Peace out


Exhausted, poorly boy

Urgh I am so tired, I look really pale, I feel shaky and just really unwell. My chest aches, I’m all snotty and gross and the tiredness is just unreal.

Thursday – I could not stop sleeping, my whole body felt like jelly and I was just so exhausted. I was meant to spend the day with my bro but I just couldn’t wake myself up enough. By 2 pm I managed to come around enough to throw on my clothes and sort the pups out, my bro came and picked us up and we went out for a walk. The walk was nice but man it was such a freaking effort, my legs felt like heavy jelly! Picked his gf up from work and went somewhere to have a snack and the pups had a play about.

When I got back home I just sat on the sofa and didn’t move…well I couldn’t move I was so so so exhausted! I did however manage to get to asda to get some gel stuff for the thrush in my mouth, pick up a prescription and get a few bits and bobs.

I was in bed by 10 pm and asleep not long after and I slept really well until about 5 am.

I got up, had something to eat and drink and went back to sleep until 10 am. The post man delivered the pups new dog bed, which is just big enough for both of them to sleep in πŸ™‚ so really happy with that and its so much better then having just blankets on the floor.

Just spent the morning just watching tv feeling sorry for myself and feeling so ill. I had a bad stomach, achy joints, bad chest, snotty nose, so exhausted, glands are up and thrush in my mouth.

I managed to have a shower and get dressed and I took the pups across the road for half and hour. It totally wore me out but they needed to go pee.

Had some lunch and watched more tv, played with all my babies ❀

Managed to put a load of washing on and clean up the flat a bit, it so needed doing and it makes me feel worse when the flat is a mess.

I’ve not had a nap today so that I can sleep right through tonight and I hope I feel better tomorrow so I can go and enjoy pride! I don’t want to spend another day at home if I can help it.

Feeling a little better but still so so tired and achy. I’m going to take the pups across the road again for a lil run, have some dinner and just chill out and get an early night.

Peace out


I’ve been a poorly boy. Also #LoveWins

So the last few days have not been cool! But I am on the mend and on the up once again..mostly.

Wednesday was rough I couldn’t get going, I managed to get to my hospital appointment at the hospital 4 mins late…but I got there. And ended up being there for 2 freaking hours! Had another x-ray on my teeth, did all the pre-op stuff and hopefully I will get a date soon to get two teeth out under general anesthetic.

My bro picked me up, went to see his new place for a bit. Went with him to pick up his gf from work and we sat by the sea in the car for a bit, which was nice.

All afternoon though I was NOT feeling good, I kept feeling sick but I thought that was because I didn’t eat much. As the day went on my stomach pains got so bad, I couldn’t eat any dinner. I was in agony! spent all night up and down with a bad stomach from both ends πŸ˜₯ and eventually settled to sleep.

So yeah that’s Erythromycin making me feel so ill…so after a few phone calls with my GP (Thursday) he said I can try Azithromycin to get rid of this infection. Need to pick it up from the chemist and give it a bash.

Thursday I spent most of the day sleeping and just resting. I was SO gutted I had to miss group though 😦 but I felt so so rough. I managed to get to the shops to get myself a few bits, lucozade, crackers and some other stuff I needed. Also managed to shave my hair off number 1 all over cuz it was pissing me off and had a nice refreshing shower πŸ™‚ and I managed to take the pups across the road for an hour in the evening. I did keep some food and drink in me as well so that was good. A pretty boring rough day but I got through it.

Today has been ok, my stomach still feels a lil sore but I think I pulled my stomach muscles when I was sick and I’m probably still a bit hungry, I’ve only managed to eat a little today but I’ll get back on track.

I slept ok-ish, I was up early but I fell asleep on the sofa for a bit. Cleaned up the entire flat and did 4 loads of washing. Had a nice shower and took pups across the road for a run before I went out with my Bro and step dad to the pub for a quick drink for my step dads birthday which was really nice.

Chilled out watching Friends for a bit, played 3 hours of Lego Batman 3, had some dinner..literally like a few bites lol watched OITNB (Orange is the new black)

The pups were bugging me, jumping on me and just generally trying to get my attention lol! So I ended up taking them for a for and we were out for an hour and a half, it was really nice to get out and the pups loved it and they’ve been sleeping for ages now πŸ™‚

Just be catching up online, watching OITNB and writing this πŸ™‚

It’s nearly 1 am now and I am feeling so much better then I have done the last 2 days πŸ™‚ nothing can beat this boy!

Tomorrow I am going to my lil cousins 6th Birthday party BBQ late afternoon so should be fun.

I am so proud of the USA! Equal marriage for all in all 50 states! History has been made #lovewins

Peace out


Happy despite health issues

And its Monday once again, that also reminds me I must do my med box up soon.

Today hasn’t been that exciting, just a regular day where I wake up paying for the previous day.

I woke up feeling tired, snotty, chesty cough, painful joints…the usual long list. There was no way I was sitting on the bus for an hour to get to my hospital appointment, so I rang up to rearrange it. And then spent most of the day sleeping on the sofa, playing fetch with scrappy while sat on the sofa, having snuggles with foxy girl on the sofa, watching tv and just generally lazing about. I did feel better for it though, well mostly. I have ordered some more antibiotics and left a note saying that I feel better while on them and as soon as I am off I feel ill and that I have a friend over this weekend so want to be able to do things. And I have booked and appointment for next week to discuss this with him.

The sun was shining again today and I did eventually get my butt showered and dressed and I spent an hour out just across the road with the pups πŸ™‚

I had a nice minted lamb burger for dinner, it was actually really nice πŸ™‚

Tomorrow I have to pay my rent, get electric and sort out food shopping. Miss foxy has the groomers in the afternoon, to be pampered and have a haircut and that’s about it really. I may take them for a walk at some point. Depending on how I feel, I may take them up to the heath.

I have booked a dentist appointment for next week as I cannot ignore this toothache any more :/ it really hurts.

I am being more mindful about sucking my thumb at the moment because I know I am doing it more then usual and I am also pushing on my front teeth and making them hurt.

Did some mindfulness today, I sat and coloured in one of my mandala’s. It was really nice just to relax, be in the moment and concentrate on the pencil.

Have a blessed week

Peace out


Conflicted. Happy things, but also sad things :(:

Sat here feeling pretty conflicted about how I should feel. I have good things going on in my life and that’s cool, I’m happy about that. But there are other things that a really crappy, so sort of stuck in the middle, not sure how to feel…

Urgh I’m really tired, so this is taking ages to write.

So last I think I was in bed by like 2:30 am, I played on the tab for a bit and was asleep by around 3 am.

Think I was up around just before 9 am. Had some breakfast and watched tv. I felt really tired still so I snuggled up with the pups and slept again till about 12:30 pm I think.

Just relaxed for a bit, still felt a bit tired and unmotivated. But eventually got my butt up, cleaned up the kitchen, cleaned the litter tray and hoovered up and washed my blanket. I have group tomorrow, so I don’t want to have to rush in the morning but it will be nice to come home to a clean flat. I then got myself showered and dressed, just had time to nip across the road with the pups. Dropped them back and headed down to the tattoo shop.

Got to the shop and it was so great to see everyone πŸ™‚Β had a really warm welcome, so that was really nice. A said so what are we doing I’ve forgotten, but because the tattoo is on my leg and I’ve not been shaving I wanted to come out to her first before she looked, so I didn’t have to explain the hairy legs. The shop is pretty small and it was full, so just took her outside and said yeah Dyllan’s a boy and she was like…what?! So I was like yeah I’m a boy and I’m gonna transition, I don’t think she was really surprised about it but yeah she was really happy for me and that was so cool and meant a lot. So yay πŸ™‚Β She had a look at my leg and talked about what we were doing. I had my Joker tattoo coloured in and I had “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stranger” written on the back of my leg. A set up her stuff and cracked on tattooing me and we were talking, catching up and she was asking questions and stuff, I told H the other tattooist and she was like oh that’s really cool. They were just so accepting it was amazing. Oh how I have missed the pain of the tattoo gun, loved it! And DUDE! did the back of my leg HURT! Ha. So good though. It was really good to be there and just be accepted for me. After my tattoo was done, I sat in the shop and chatted with everyone more, told B who does piercing about being trans, she was really nice and asked me questions and stuff, so yeah it was really cool. Felt good πŸ™‚Β Oh and I got given some nice home made jam, yum.

My step dad’s back in hospital again. He’s in the hospital nearest to me, the one I went to the other week. So we’ve been texting and I text him before I left the tattoo shop to see if he was still up for me to go visit him and if he needed anything. He said he was still happy for me to come up and that he didn’t need anything. I popped into a shop on the way up and got myself a drink and cheese roll, I also got my step dad a bar of galaxy chocolate as that’s his favourite.

Got up to the hospital just after half 5 pm. My step dad was laying on the bed hooked up to oxygen, he said he can’t even walk about without taking his oxygen tank with him, bless him. But we chilled out and chatted for a while, which was nice. I think its nice for him to talk to me because he knows that I am dealing with chronic health issues, so he knows I understand what he’s going through. I stayed till just gone 8 pm…although visiting times were up at 7 pm lol. But whatever no one kicked me out. I said to him I’ll text him tomorrow to see if he’s still there and if he is I’ll pop in and see him on my way home from group. And if he is still there Fri I can pop and see him in the afternoon as I need to go up to the hospital and get my bloods done anyway so he said that would be nice. He’s pretty poorly, so I want to see him as much as I can. He maybe taken to a different hospital soon, one that’s further away from me 😦 which really sucks. I love my step dad so much. He’s my dad’s brother and was like a second dad to me, we were really close when I was growing up as well. Just makes me feel so so sad πŸ˜₯ I don’t want him to die too.

I seen yesterday that Kieran’s funeral lands on my bday…so I said to H to not worry about my bday if she really needs to go and wants to go. I’m not going, not because its my birthday. But because its not something I want to deal with right now. I could be losing my step dad…I’m still angry and K for not helping himself. I’ll say goodbye in my own way. I can’t say I’m not a little upset but it is what it is there’s nothing I can do.

Got home at 8:30 pm. The pups were so freaking excited, they make me smile so much. After making a fuss of them, I did myself dinner. I was so freaking hungry, luckily I had a dinner that as quick to do, smoked haddock, peas and chips. Lush.

Just been doing my usual this evening, watching tv, catching up on fb and writing my blog.

Physically I’m am ok although I am a little chesty again…meh. I’m really tired as well and can’t wait for bed. It’s been really hard to concentrate tonight and writing has taken a while longer.

Mentally I’m tired, but feeling free and like a weight has been lifted. But I’m also feeling so sad about my step dad, like really really sad and keep feeling guilty for feeling good. Meh I don’t know, just confused, happy, sad. Whatever :(:

My tattoo

Β Joker got coloured in πŸ™‚

Β Had the gap under Harley Quinn filled

Β This says What doesn’t kill you only makes you stranger! Totally love it and so freaking true lol.

Peace out


Christmas Eve 2014 :) <3

Christmas eve and I am a excited boy!

Although my morning got off to a pretty gross start….. My poor scrappy has a bad tummy….and yup he pooped in the bed…YUCKY! So I stripped off the effected area and he even got my jeans. I washed it all off in the shower before I put it in the washing machine. I took the pups food up, going to starve scrappy for a bit.

I can’t remember if I had any breakfast…I don’t think I did. I got myself up and cleaned the flat as it was a tip. Even though if felt like it took hours, it didn’t really take that long. Just as I jumped in the shower, my buzzer went. TYPICAL! lol. So I jumped out the shower, buzzed him up and grabbed the towel…I think I’d scare him off if I answered naked lol! But I was really happy as it was my package that my friend had sent me. I inboxed her to say it had come and I jumped back into the shower. I got dressed into a batman top and my jeans.

Got myself and the pups ready to go across the road for a lil run and a wee. It was really nice out, the sun was shining and it wasn’t that cold really. A nice Christmas eve day.

We came back and I had a little look at my package and just WOW am I a lucky boy to have such a great friend! There’s loads in there. All wrapped in Batman paper πŸ˜€ The pets even got presents as well. I opened my cards from her and one from her mum. There was one thing unwrapped, which was a box of loom bands πŸ™‚ yay. So so happy. I can’t wait to open mine tomorrow.

Then my family came over, my mum, step dad, nan and grandad, my brother, his gf and two boys Jack and baby Leo. It was really nice actually. I’d put out some sweets and crisps. Jack was having fun playing with the pups. We all opened our presents and everyone liked what I got them. Jack was so happy when he opened his, bless him. I got him Mr Bean boxset. So yeah I’m happy everyone loved their bits. Nan and Grandad gave me money, my step dad gave me chocolates, my mum actually gave me something that I LOVE! A Β£20 Animal voucher, a Batman bowl and a Batman towel that is also a cape! πŸ™‚ so awesome. My brother and his gf got my a game voucher. Really happy with everything I got. So blessed, such a happy boy.

After they left I cleaned up the wrapping paper that was everywhere. I sat down and put on a film…but then felt hungry, so I went over to Burger King to get my lunch. I came back and settled back on the sofa, with my lunch, pepsi and the box of quality streets ❀ perfect afternoon ❀ After that I put the tv back on and snuggled up on the sofa with my babies and had a sleep for an hour. Ah I’ve not had an afternoon nap in ages! It was lush.

My favourite film was on this evening! A Muppets Christmas Carol πŸ˜€ Eeeeek, love it.

After the film, I opened my Christmas eve presents for myself and the animals πŸ™‚ even though I knew what it all was, it was still exciting.

I wasn’t really hungry, but I made myself cheesy mash for dinner. It was yummy.

I then opened the presents from my friend, for the animals. Only because I have bought them so much for tomorrow. Scrappy was excited with his treats and he was sat ripping up wrapping paper lol. I cleaned up the paper.

This evening we have been relaxing, watching films on tv and eating chocolates πŸ™‚ YUM.

Christmas eve has been a good one. I’m pleased it went well.

Mentally I am feeling ok, just a bit drained though. Think my mood has crashed a bit after being so busy and manic the last few weeks. I think I need a good nights sleep to get me back on track.

Physically I’ve been feeling less pain as I’ve been trying to take my pain killers on a more regular basis, so I am grateful for such relief.

I wish you all a Wonderful Christmas, may it bring you peace and happiness ❀

Much love

Peace out


Feeling down, down, down

So since Saturday, I’ve not really done much, but then I’ve not really felt well.

Sun Z came over in the afternoon. We had a look around the shops and I got myself a new batman top πŸ™‚ We came back to mine, chatted and chilled out. We watched Frozen as Z had not seen it before. I was singing along…well I tried to lol. I did her some dinner. I just had toast as I was still feeling quite sick. We watched a documentary about the autopsy of a Woolly Mammoth, it was really interesting. I think I’d had a short nap before lol. Z left shortly after. I didn’t walk her to the bus as I wasn’t feeling so great. I took the pups out about midnight, but I felt so sick when I got in, so I was a bit hesitant to take my medication as I didn’t want to wake up to be sick. So I went to bed and fell asleep for a little bit. Woke up at 2 am and took my meds and ended up sleeping well and didn’t wake up throwing up.

Mon I didn’t really do much, just caught up on sleep. Didn’t have the energy to do anything. Took the pups across the road a few times for a run. Just trying to keep my head above water. My friend is ill again…the mental health system are just not helping! It’s disgusting at how she is being treated. Animals get treated better. I wish I could help her and make it go away. I did tidy up a bit, got my meds sorted, so I didn’t have to worry about that when I got in from group.

The trans group went well. I was the only “guy” there. I’ve been thinking a lot about my journey and I think for now I am happy with being gender fluid and at the moment am not wanting to transition.

After group I got in to two happy puppies πŸ™‚ I went on the laptop for a bit. I ordered myself a new bag. I went to Asda and treated myself to some bits, a dvd, cd, chocolate and other bits so I didn’t have to go out again.

Then I had some toast, did my hot water bottles up for bed and got things ready. I took the pups for a wee and we came back and snuggled in bed and I slept fairly well.

Tues again I didn’t do a lot. I slept a lot but I did clean up the flat, which made me feel better. Then C text me to see if I was still coming over…and in all honesty I had completely forgotten. So I nipped to asda and got C a birthday card and presents and some Pepsi and a pot noodle to take with me. I came home and had some toast and pain killers before I left.

I got to C’s just gone 7:30 pm. Her bf C showed me far cry 4 on his new xbox one and man its freaking amazing! Graphics are just so good, as it the game play. After C had finished what she was doing, I went down stairs and gave her they birthday presents and she liked them all πŸ™‚ We had a nice evening, just chilling and chatting.

Got home at 1 am and I got home to doggy diarrhoea all over the bathroom floor…It was gross! I was pretty sure it was scrappy as he went and stood by the balcony door as soon as he saw me, bless him. I couldn’t deal with it straight away as I as feeling a bit icky. I had really bad trapped wind. So I laid down on the sofa for a bit, rubbing my belly and burping and farting away..well trying too. I took 2 ranitidine and that helped a little.

I went and cleaned up the poop and I came back in the lounge to put the bath mats in the wash…only to find more poop on the floor…so had to quickly clean that up. My poor baby boy. I took their food up as I thought the best thing to do was to starve him. Just for a bit to see how he goes. I decided the best idea was to sleep on the sofa with the pups so if scrappy did need to go at least he would go somewhere that was easy to clean. So I did my hot water bottle, got myself my pillows and blanket all ready and took the pups for a wee. We got back in, took my meds and put a film on. I didn’t get to sleep till gone 4 am!

Weds…well today! I woke up about half 9 am and put the tv on. The postman buzzed up and I went down to get my post and I got my new bag already πŸ™‚ yay. Got a new appointment for my CT scan, which is next week at 8 am…! Bit early but, I can’t change it as I need it done before my other app on the 19th. Scrappy only had a bad stomach once in the night, so cleaned that up. I let him out on the balcony and he just peed. Still not giving him any food, just fresh water. Been giving foxy a bit of food though. I snuggled back up on the sofa after putting on a load of laundry and I fell back to sleep for a bit. I’ve just spent most of the day in and out of sleep. I did eventually get showered and dressed and took the pups out for a little run. Scrappy was running about like a crazy thing.Definitely nothing wrong with him other then a poorly tum.

Just chilled out watching tv this afternoon, I put my old badges on my new bag πŸ™‚ sorted that out, ready to use tomorrow. I gave scrappy a bit of his food to see how his tummy went.

I’ve just been eating jam on toast all day. I settled down this evening to watch a film. I took pain killers, did my little hot water bottle, got myself some toast, Pepsi and chocolate buttons and snuggled up to watch The Guardians of the Galaxy. BUT I didn’t get to watch most of it as it was my turn to have diarrhoea…*sigh* it felt horrible, because my stomach was so empty, but it was still trying to go.. 😦 But I took something to stop it and its been ok since.

Just been on the laptop this evening while watching tv. Although one show I watched I just cried my eyes out. It was about these poor kids living in absolute poverty. It was heartbreaking and I cried the whole way through. I think I am too empathetic sometimes.

I have just been feeling so over emotional at the moment. Crying at every emotion provoking thing. But I’m not sure if its just pent up emotion or what…because I don’t cry often, no matter how I feel. Oh I don’t know. Being so ill physically doesn’t help either. Just feel so alone, dealing with all this. It’s so hard! I hate it. I don’t know, I’m just feeling very fed up at feeling so poorly 😦

Peace out