Toxic positivity

What is toxic positivity? Well its this

Its something I experience a lot from others but also I do it myself. I invalidate my own feelings, mainly because I get sick to death of feeling so shit all the time, I just try and fake it till I make it, but that’s such a bad thing. As it doesn’t acknowledge or validate your situation and feelings and without that validation then how you feel will often last longer as your not being true to yourself.

It’s also something that I have really noticed recently in the spiritual/new age community and its not cool. Over the last few months I’ve felt increasingly like I don’t belong in the spiritual community because I’m not as knowledgeable, I’m not spiritual enough, I’m too depressed etc the list goes on. No matter what religion/community you belong too, it shouldn’t make you feel like an outsider. It should be a place of love and unity but its not and I’ve found that it’s just full of fakes, who say one thing but who’s actions are the complete opposite of what they speak and I’m not ok with that. That’s not the type of people I want to be associated with, so I decided to leave every facebook page and group I belonged to and remove most people from that community off my facebook.

I was sick of seeing the streams and streams and positive shit, I mean I love my quotes and stuff but it got to the point where seeing all this stuff was making me feel more worthless then I already do because everyone in these groups makes living life and being happy seem so fucking simple, its like they all know this secret to a happy life but aren’t allowed to tell me, I’ve just got to put up with seeing the fake stuff, oh just meditate and you’ll be happy, connect to your higher self and you’ll have all these special gifts… and yeah it all feels so unobtainable to someone like me, who’s on my own and I don’t have anyone to guide me or teach me.

It was just all getting to be really overwhelming and then its like all of a sudden I saw just how self centred and fake everyone is because life isn’t fucking perfect no matter how spiritual you are because your still here living the human experience. I often feel that there’s a sense of superiority within the community, because they have all these gifts and whatever that they are better then everyone.

This is all just how I feel and it could well be a reflection of how I’m feeling in general right now, but no one’s noticed I’ve left or removed them of my facebook, so kinda makes my point really. Community is meant to care for everyone not some.

I’ve also had a lot of toxic positivity from friends who will over generalise whatever I say by saying oh well everyone is struggling right now, everyone is in the same situation. Which while yes its true, that doesn’t make me feel good and I struggle to open up to people and be vulnerable and tell people the truth about how I feel. I very rarely express how I really feel because I don’t easily trust people’s words, I often don’t feel safe enough to be honest and the times I have been honest I either get one of 2 reactions. I either get invalidated and they’ll talk in general or the person will over react and in doing that then makes it about them. So either way I often left feeling invalidated, so my automatic response is usually I’m good thanks as it doesn’t invite any more questions. Also I find people want to fix it for you, they listen to reply, they listen to help and that’s not always helpful either. Being heard by someone can make you feel 10 times better then any advice as often all I want it be heard, acknowledged and validated and sometimes that’s all anyone needs.

I know I am a rescuer type personality and its something I have become very aware of over the last few years and its really hard walking away from people but constantly rescuing something is draining. But its so hard not to rescue people, not go above and beyond to help people just to make myself feel better, to make myself feel useful and worthy. But I can’t rescue the world when I can barely rescue myself.

I’m not completely sworn off spirituality despite the situation I find myself in, I still have my spiritual beliefs and I will still be open to learning more. I just don’t want to be stuck in a box or community, I want to explore what’s out there. I will always try to be one with earth and the universe.

Maybe this post has helped you recognise toxic positivity, whether that’s because you’ve experienced it or are guilty of it. Which I think we all are to a degree, non of us are perfect.

Keep being authentic

Peace out

Zak

Self care – Being brave and asking for help

Dinner date and movie with myself tonight.

Something I’ve not done in a while, been too caught up with the negative stuff in my head, I forgot to love and take care of myself. Trying my best to get back on track.

I also did something that was huge for me this week… I asked for help and close friends will know this, it’s something I do very rarely and avoid where possible.

But in August I’m finally getting top surgery done πŸ™‚ and I’m going to need help during recovery from more then one person. As it’s a lot to ask from one person, so I was brave and created a group chat. I was so scared that I would be rejected and everyone would be too busy to help but to my surprise everyone was just amazing and everyone was so happy for me and more then happy to help.

It’s such a huge relief to know I have people around me that love and care for me. I always knew I had friends but I’d convinced myself I wasn’t good enough to have real friends and eventually if you tell yourself something long enough you believe it.

I need to work on my self esteem and self worth, this is definitely going to help πŸ™‚ I’m not as lonely as I thought I was.

I’m going to try and trust more and open my heart more. I’m always standing in the way of myself, I need to move out of my way.

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 11 on T

I can’t believe I’m week 11 on testosterone, it’s gone so quickly and my fourth injection is next week. I’ve got to go and have a fasting blood test in the morning before I do my injection to figure how how often I will need to have my injections. It depends on how high or low my testosterone levels are, but I’m not 100% certain how all that jazz works.

This last week has been a mixture of good and not so great but I made the choice to try and ignore the negative crap and just concentrate on the things that have been positive. Which isn’t always easy to do but I will always chose happiness over ruminating on the negative, especially as its a situation beyond my control.

I went out of my comfort zone last night and attended a ukulele group, which I really enjoyed and I’ll definitely try and go as often as I can. I was so anxious about going and meeting new people, learning a new thing. But despite the anxiety I’m so glad I went and pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I’ve got loads to catch up and and try and practice as much as I can.

I want to try and learn more new things instead of just waking up sticking the TV on and watching mind numbing bullshit all day long. It will challenge me to change my negative thoughts and believes around my abilities to learn anything. The negative thoughts are ‘I’m stupid, I can’t learn anything, I’m dumb, I’ll never learn anything, I’m lazy’ the list of negative thoughts go on. It mainly stems from being at school, I was always told I was lazy and I didn’t apply myself well enough and when you’re told that for all of your school life it becomes apart of the narrative in your head. So by challenging it hopefully it will change that negative narrative, plus learning new things is always a good things. On the TV thing I am thinking about getting rid of my SKY TV and just stream stuff instead, which is what I do most anyway and I’ll save money too.

My best friend sent me the most awesome starting T present at the weekend, which was so cool of him. It contained a razor and some shaving gear, its my first razor so its pretty special that its from my best friend.

I have been thinking about having my first shave but I’m still feeling pretty self conscious about it. My transition so far has shown me how self conscious I actually am, I mean I knew I was pretty self conscious before I came out a trans but this has amplified it. I’m always conscious of how I look, how I sound and even what I say like 99% of the time when I’m around people. When I’m on my own all that doesn’t matter so much, because its just me. Before my transition I got to a point where I accepted myself as I was, even though deep down I wasn’t totally happy with my body, I always knew something was different but I’d gotten used to ignoring it. I was kind of ok with that but now everything is in question, like where in society do I fit, what kind of guy will people think I am, just questions like that so my sense of self has been a little shaken. I thought my sense of self was pretty stable but maybe it wasn’t so stable after all.

As I carry on through this transition I know I will learn my place in society and regain a more stable sense of self. I will just have to carry on learning more about the man I am becoming. This includes my first shave and I’ve decided to wait until my voice changes a bit more and I feel more confident in myself and my changing body.

Well that was an intense blog this week but its been my truth.

Week 11 on T

^ This weeks picture of me, next week I’ll do a comparison side my side picture

^ This is my T present from my best friend

^ This week YouTube upload, I will try and do a voice comparison next week if I can figure out how to do it

Peace out

Batman

Let the good times roll – Things clicking into place

It’s Monday afternoon here right now and as I’m feeling OK and had a good weekend, I feel up to writing a new post.

So Friday was good, I met L and the boys off the bus in the afternoon and I took the boys over to my brothers and L went back to mine to rest as she wasn’t feeling well. We spent a few hours there and Albert and Harvey loved playing with my two nephew Jack and Leo.

My bro got my a PS4 πŸ˜€ he put it on his Argos card and I’ve got to pay some of it off but not right away. But YAY! So so so happy with it, as I’ve been wanting one for so long. I love my bro he’s awesome.

Saturday was so busy and long but it was good. So it was Jacks 7th birthday and we all went into a indoor play area for a few hours. It was so noisy and busy in there but all the kids had fun. Went back to my brothers after for cake, which was nice and Albert didn’t want to leave bless him.

We got back and I picked up the post and opened it and I was jumping about with excitement! I had got a letter to say my first appointment with the Gender Clinic in London on the 15th September!! which is like 3 weeks away! I am so so fucking super excited its unreal! I am so nervous as well. It’s a really long appointment too 75 mins, then a hour and 15 mins of admin… Finally on the path to being who I really am now.

Sunday was spent my best friend, we just chilled out and watched Stranger Things which was really cool. It was a day well needed πŸ™‚

I spent a few hours with my bro, sister in law and nephew today, went to the pub for a drink and the arcade and played on the 2p machine and won loads of lollies.

Why is it the good things always happen after you’ve given up? I’m glad that I’ve had a good few days and that I got a PS4, its really picked my mood up. I do still feel really stressed but I feel able to cope again for now.

I have PIP court tribunal tomorrow afternoon, I am so anxious and stressed about it. I can feel that its all so close to being over with now and I am just so anxious for it to hurry up and be over with already. I am glad I have my J coming down for the day especially to help me, I am so grateful for that. I should know tomorrow if they are going to give it to me or not, I am just trying to stay positive about getting the outcome I deserve.

I am hoping these good days are going to keep rolling and the good news keeps coming and that everything is now finally starting to click back into place, that this is the break I need.

So yeah I’m feeling fairly ok, feeling confident about tomorrow, although I’m trying not to feel cocky about it and I am trying to read up about the PIP tribunal as possible and I am going to make notes as well.

Well I better start sorting some notes out, so I’m gonna wrap this up.

Peace out

Batman

Decoupage – My new hobby

Ah yet another Sunday has rolled around and it is the first day of spring πŸ™‚ it didn’t start getting dark until 6:45 pm and the pups and I managed to catch the last bit of sunshine before it disappeared for the day.

So I am able to write a today that isn’t about my shit life but about the positive and good day I have had. YES a short relief from the utter crap that is my life, it was due.

Got up at a reasonable hour this morning and didn’t go back to sleep…shocking! I did the housework as well, again something I’ve not done properly for a few weeks. Had a shower and got dressed and took the pups across the road for a run.

I saw a thing in tv the other morning about doing different arts and crafty bits to do over Easter and one thing jumped out at me and it is called decoupage, its where you get scraps of well anything like tissue paper, paper etc and you glue it onto whatever surface you choose. So I got a box and cut a square and some holes and started to cover it with tissue paper. Not only did I really enjoy this but it looks so effective as well, this box is for the cats to play in. I have other boxes that the cats play in that I can do the decoupage too πŸ™‚ This has really helped lift my mood today as I feel like I’ve done something really productive and fun.

Its amazing how something so simple can change my mood so dramatically, but its definitely a new hobby that I will be doing more of.

How do I feel right now? I feel good and settled, which is a nice feeling and a relief from how I have been feeling recently.

Short post tonight but I don’t have much to say.

Here’s some pics of my day.

^^ My decoupage cat box πŸ™‚

^^ My beautiful girls ❀

^^ Its SPRING!

^^ Scrappy doodles being cute

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

Peace out

Batman

Benefits SUCK…continued..

WOW my previous post was rather positive at the end lol, I always seem to be able to be positive, I have NO idea where/why or how I continue. Like seriously how how do I do this?! I really don’t get it, I suppose it’s because I don’t have a choice. Well I do but then I would die a female and I don’t want that. So I am sort of stuck..stuck with this body that is wrong for so many fucking reasons, stuck with this bullshit government for the next 4 years. Being in this limbo is horrible, it’s the worst place ever. Definitely feel like I am stuck in some kind of purgatory right now. It’s like I am screaming as loud as I can but no one can hear me, it’s horrible.

I have had even more fucking shit news and have been screwed over YET again my that cock at number 10 Mr Cameron! My money has been cut AGAIN! So yeah I’m screwed… and I have to appeal this as well. Although I am not going to attempt to ring anyone or whatever until Monday because I just cannot deal with it right now and I want to enjoy the rest of the week and weekend. Plus I need the anger to subside otherwise nothing will productive will come out of my brain or my mouth lol.

I just cannot believe that as someone with all the health issues that I have, that I have to appeal to get money to live on because I am unable to work. It is beyond disgusting and I didn’t think I would have any issues with this at all and I did keep thinking maybe I was just being cocky…and yes it proves that I was! But seriously it’s disgusting and people who are even sicker then me are being denied benefits! It’s outrageous! It’s sick that in this world right now, unless you are elite you simply don’t matter. We are just their little pawns in all of this.

I could write pages and pages about how I HATE this world right now, there are parts of the world I love, I love the progress the LGBT community has made even in the last year and many other communities. But I hate what this world has become, maybe because I now am seeing the worlds through an adults eyes and because I believe I am awakened and I see what is going on, I see through what is put out by the media, I see through all the propaganda. I have learnt not to trust everything I read or even see in the news. I have learnt to question everything because of how the world is right now. I want to see this world as a child again, it was less scary, less depressing, less hopeless.

So how am I feeling…I am stressed, really fucking stressed. But right this second I am trying really hard to be mindful and to stay in the moment because right this second I cannot do anything about my situation about my benefits and I’m not going to until Monday because I want to enjoy the rest of the week and weekend and reboot for the fight that I have on my hands.

I’m still fighting a sinus infection too, that I’ve had since well forever it feels like. Yesterday all I could do was sleep, I was just so exhausted and so achy and I felt so weak, feeble and helpless, that sleep was pretty much the only option. I ached that much I had to go back to bed and not on the sofa like I usually do for a nap, as I needed something to support my joints a bit more. I see my GP tomorrow and I am going to ask him to refer me back to ears nose and throat. Something is obviously going on, that is beyond the help of antibiotics alone. I’ve had 3 weeks worth so far and they’ve not touched it.. I think I needed my sinuses cleared out again, it’s been a few years since that was last done.

Actually I have a hospital appointment on Monday for thoracic medicine, this hospital currently has an our break of the norovirus. This is raging through the wards and they have actually shut wards down because of it. I always get paranoid going to hospitals when they have an outbreak of anything, even though I won’t be going to the wards I will still be in the building. Anyway I will also be able to talk to this doc about my sinus issues and see if he can help or suggest anything.

I have one bit of awesome news today though and that’s M from Mindout asked me if I wanted to be a volunteer at the Bournemouth group as well as the Weymouth group πŸ™‚ I obviously accepted because I love being part of that group and I love being able to share my experience and the things I have learned that have helped me. Although this means I have to be really nice to everyone even if I feel like I want to punch them in the face….I don’t feel like that really.. πŸ˜‰ lol! No it’s cool and will be good fun and I think my first session I will be taking will be about mindfulness. M does have a knack for making me cry…I don’t know what it is, out of all the counsellors, therapists and even friends and partners, I do not cry in front of ANYONE. But I have now cried twice, proper bawling my eyes out, with snot and everything! Just rudeness lol, but I never feel embarrassed or stupid. It’s weird… maybe its cuz I know she won’t hug me, or try and make it better and she just lets me be. I don’t know how to explain it or why it’s happened twice now. But crying for me is an massive issue, like it’s just not something I do and if I do, then I cry alone and don’t tell anyone about it. Stiff upper lip and all that British-ness..lol and manliness lol.

My head is hurting now as are my joints, so I need to wrap this up and get myself into bed so I can rest enough to deal with another day. Actually tomorrow isn’t that awful, the pups have the groomers in the morning and then I have to doctors in late afternoon.

My beautiful Foxy girl is 4 years old today πŸ™‚ She got a new laser pen, which all 4 of them love and on Saturday she is having a party with her doggy friends…I know some would think its a bit sad but I do not care!

Β Foxy with her new bandanda πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

I will never stop fighting – Benefits suck!

Ah Sunday evening…which means I have another week ahead of me to deal with! UrghΒ UndecidedΒ and I have a few battles to deal with this week.

I had some shit news through the post and WOW it’s utterly disgusting and I got so mad! So my disability living allowance benefit was ending so I had to re-apply but for something called personal independent payment, which is the same benefit just different name. I had to fill out a form and go for a face to face assessment with a physiotherapist who doesn’t know me or anything about my illnesses. Anyway whatever she wrote was obviously a load of SHIT! Because a few things weren’t mentioned like the fact I walked in with my walking stick and my recent manic episode. It goes by a points system and you have to get between 8-12 points to qualify for this benefit. I got 4 fucking points! and that was because I have a stool in my shower and a stool in the kitchen, it didn’t take into consideration anything else. My assessment was 2 hours long, I may as well have sat there and said fuck all! because it wouldn’t have made a difference. It’s disgusting it really is, I am ill, I am unable to work. Yet all of a sudden I am not ill enough to be awarded (which sounds like I’ve won a lottery or something, which it pretty much is) this money. If anything my condition has got worse over the years! I mean WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

Now I have to appeal this bullshit, another battle I have to find the strength for. But there is a charity called Diverse Abilities who I can use to help me with this process. I’ll sort that out tomorrow at some point, but the sooner I sort it out the better. So I will push myself to get on it.

Despite all this bullshit going on, I still managed to have a good weekend and I tried just to put it all to the back of my mind. Which I managed for the most part.

I did the housework Saturday morning, sorted out a place for Harvey to sleep in my bedroom.

I left to go pick him up and as soon as I walked in Albert wanted to fight me and Harvey was showing my minecraft stuff.

Harvey and I got the bus to Poole, which takes so LONG! We were just chatting about all sorts πŸ™‚ He’s so grown up now, love being able to have proper conversations now.

Grabbed him some lunch, stopped at the post office to post something to a friend’s kids. We had a look in a few shops while on our way down to the comic book shop. WOW I could stay in that shop all day long and buy like everything Batman. I got myself a comic and Harvey picked a deadpool comic.

We went and picked up the dogs and went for a walk down baiter. It was freaking cold down there by the sea and at one point I picked up foxy and put her in my jacket because she was shaking so much lol. Harvey had fun climbing across the rocks and the pups had fun running about and my crazy scrappy even went in the sea for a swim. I enjoyed the walk, it was definitely refreshing.

I took ages to warm up when we got in and I hurt so much, because I’d got so cold and I was standing around waiting for Harvey to climb over the rocks.

We chilled out watching both of the Ghostbusters films which was cool, I love these films as I grew up watching them and it’s great to share that with Harvey too.

H came over for the evening which was nice, Harvey asked my several times if she was coming over. He adores her so much, I love watching them together, it’s just so lovely.

Treated Harvey to pizza hut and I definitely deserved a treat. He’s a growing boy and ate 3 slices of pizza, which was about how much I ate.

We just chilled out chatting, watching tv. Harvey said he was hungry…and I don’t really have snack foods in, so I went to pick up some munch for my boy and my meds too.

Whilst I was out H and Harvey were having an argument about speed running, as Harvey didn’t believe that H can do it and that she’s 11th in the world. So H set up my ps2 and speed ran through Jak and Daxer at any percent. Harvey loved it, he sat and watched and asked lots of questions about what she was doing. H timed it and everything to prove to him, it was so funny.

Put him to bed after the speed running fun, it was 10:30 pm! H left too as she was intending to stay that long lol! Was good of her to stay and show Harvey.

I was just chilling, watching tv and playing on my tab. But I kept feeling anxious, like I felt sick to my stomach. I hate anxiety so much, I’ve not had bad anxiety like that for a while. It feels like I am about to die or my hearts about to beat out of my chest.

The anxiety settled a bit eventually, after lots of deep breathing and mindfulness. I didn’t get the bed until 2 am though, as I knew I wouldn’t sleep if I went to bed as anxious as I was.

I didn’t wake up until 9:30 am and Harvey was already awake but just being quiet playing on his phone.

We just relaxed, watched Cartoon Network and I had a nap for a bit on the sofa. I could have done with a bit more sleep but I had to get us over to L’s.

It didn’t take long to get me, Harvey and the pups ready to go. We headed out in the freezing cold to get the bus, I so hope it doesn’t snow..boo.

Harvey and I nodded off on the bus lol! I woke up just as we got to the stop before the one we had to get off at! PHEW!

The pups were all happy to see each other and Arnie was so happy to see me that he pissed all over me…. What if humans did that lol!

Just relaxed playing with Albert and the pups and talking to L too πŸ™‚ while she was sorting out dinner.

Dinner was SO nice and I even managed to get Albert to say and eat carrot! WOOHOO! He’s hit terrible twos and is really fussy with his food at the moment. He’s such a funny boy though.

I did my manly duties and did the washing up for L πŸ™‚ I dropped a plate in the washing up bowl and I managed to get bubbles on scrappy’s head! which he didn’t notice right away.

I didn’t want to stay too late, as I am tired and wanted to just go home and relax. But before I left I had to sort out Harvey’s ps3 as he’d accidentally put another disc in when there was already a disc in there, luckily I managed to get both of them out!

Me and the pups got back just before 6 pm, the flat was so cold. I stuck the heating on high and put my joggy bottoms on, my hips were aching and needed some comfy, soft trousers.

So ages ago when scrappy was small, he ate a wire that connected the sky box and internet. But I’ve finally got around to getting another wire…which I got before xmas lol! and I’ve been meaning to sort it out since then. But I was feeling hella manly so I decided to do a bit of DIY! and used tower cable clips to attach the wire to the wall, up and above the curtain rail. Surprisingly it didn’t take too long to do and I didn’t injure myself! WOOHOO!

Still feeling manly and like I needed to DO something, I sat and painted some boxes black. I am waiting for them to dry before I can cover them in PVA glue, so the paint won’t flake off. I made lots of mess and the cats ran across the sheet I was using and now I have foot prints on the kitchen floor! Cannot wait to cover them in glue tomorrow πŸ˜€ eeep.

Just been chilling this evening and the pups have been asleep since we got in. They are always shattered after seeing Arnie πŸ™‚ least they’ve had good fun and I did too. I am really tired too but I needed to get this all out before I can sleep tonight.

My plan for tomorrow is to contact Diverse abilities to start this appeal. I am going to cover my boxes with glue, I’ve got to do the housework at some point and I might put one of my new Lego sets together. I then have my trans group social in the evening, which I am looking forward too. We are starting up our formal therapy sessions again on the 2nd of Feb at over the rainbow, so looking forward to that as well πŸ™‚

I’m feeling MUCH better then I did yesterday, I’m not angry, depressed or anxious now. I’ve just accepted what has happened and what I have to do to fix it and I will make sure that I take extra care of myself while going through all of this.

“Accept the things you cannot change & change the things you can” Something I try and live by and it really helps in situations like I am right now with my benefits.

I love taking pictures.

Harvey having fun climbing across the rocks.

Β My beautiful boy πŸ™‚

Β Bournemouth balloon looks so pretty at night.

I got nice and messy, it is the best! I love getting messy.

 Really tired pups ❀

Even with all the bullshit I have to deal with, from my health, dealing with doctors, medications and side effects, benefits, gender stuff… I still come out fighting and I have now idea how, or even why sometimes. But I do, there’s a fire within me that burns because I want to live and I want to keep my independence, I want to keep my animals, I want to keep my life how it is right now. My life is no where NEAR perfect and I am always a work in progress and I will always keep fighting and when I think I can’t I have a handful of friends that I know will help carry me until I can fight again. I am very blessed to have them in my life ❀

I am proud of how far I have come, I was a different person now then I was say 4-5 years ago. I am a much better person then I was but like I said I am a work in progress, I am not aiming for perfection, I just want to be the best me I can be πŸ™‚

I needed to end this post on a positive note, to remind myself that I am a good person and I have worked hard with my therapy to change bad behaviours etc. And to remind everyone, it’s never to late for change and you can change.;:

Β  πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Purposeful :)

I’ve been sat here for ages just looking at the screen zoning out because I’m actually quite tired. But the rain is hammering down outside, so I’m going to write this entry in hope that it dies down a bit before I take the pups for a wee.

I’m feeling really good today, well I’m feeling really tired and achy but mentally I’m feeling good. I was so worried about lowering the quetiapine, I thought it would be much harder then it actually has been, my moods have been pretty stable apart from the normal ups and downs of just life I’ve not really had any major struggles, no real depressive or manic episode. I feel a lot more centred, happy and settled, I think maybe that has a lot to do with transitioning but also it’s age and the fact I have and still do put a lot of effort in each day to continue to have good mental health.

Yesterday was good but it was hot! really hot. I had a pretty chilled morning, was able to take my time in getting ready for group. I was up early again about 7 am, so I did have breakfast and had a short nap until my alarm went off. My sleep is a bit restless at the moment and I keep waking up so early but still being so tired, I think maybe it’s just a blip.

Group was good, trying at times with the check in and my struggle to listen, focus and look interested. But overall it was good, we looked at a model of coming out as LGB, didn’t get far into it but it is really interesting, I look forward to looking through the rest and giving my input on how it is to come out as trans*

When I got home to my happy puppies, I chilled out for a bit and I chased up all the peeps I had rung on Monday, I now have permission for both dogs which is great, I went through my form the social services, so should hear from them by the end of next week and the receptionist at the doctors wasn’t sure if he’d seen my message so she flagged it up again and said to ring to check next week. So I felt really good for chasing it all up. After all that I had myself some dinner and as it was so nice and the pups had been in all afternoon we went on our usual walk along the water . It was really nice out and we were out for about 3 hours, just strolled along and kept sitting to rest and take everything in. Scrappy had fun swimming in the sea and foxy was saying hello to everyone. It was like a jellyfish graveyard along the water, so so many of the barrel jellyfish had all washed up. The walk didn’t end too well though, as we were heading back along the water and scrappy was running in and out of the sea I noticed that he wasn’t putting one of his feet on the floor, so I had a look at his paw and it wasn’t bleeding but it did look sore, he’d tore a bit of his pad off maybe on a sharp stone or something. He was shaking as he was cold but he was so wet and sandy I didn’t want to pick him up, so I wrapped him up in my hoodie and then picked him up and carried him all the way home, which isn’t really that far but it felt MILES carrying a 6kg pup lol. He was really good though and sat really still all snuggled up like a lil baby, so so sweet and miss foxy was so great she walked all the way home without a lead as I couldn’t carry him and walk her, even across the roads she did so well. She’s such a good girl off the lead πŸ™‚

After we had got home I gave scrappy a shower to warm him and up wash all the sand off him and I put a lil bandage over his lil paw just to keep is dry and clean. I took my meds and we all went to bed, I was shattered after all that fresh air. I think I was probably asleep but just gone 11 pm.

Again I was up at 7 am, so I got up and let scrappy on the balcony to pee. I had a drink and some breakfast and snuggled back up on the sofa for a nap until about 10 am. I was still really tired so I don’t know why I can’t stay asleep at the moment, it’s so frustrating.

But once I got going I felt less fatigued, got myself showered and dressed and had something else to eat. Took the crazy pups across the road for a 20 mins run, scrappy’s bandage came off while he was out but he wasn’t holding it up so it must feel less sore now.

I got myself ready to go meet M who was taking me to the Weymouth group. The car trip as always was fun and we had a good chat about things πŸ™‚

The group itself was really good, I was actually asked by a member if I was a counsellor as he said by the way I talk it sounds like I am, which is pretty cool πŸ™‚ I have done basic counselling skills courses and other such related stuff. I was pretty chuffed with that comment though, I must be doing something right. I really hope that my being at the group and talking to them that I help at least one person with something.

The car trip back was hilarious too, we get on so so well πŸ™‚

Got home at 6 pm to my very happy pups, I took them straight across the road for a run about as it looked like it was going to rain and it did lol! So we spent about half hour over there.

Just been trying to stay awake the rest of the evening, I’ve just wanted to fall asleep but that definitely wouldn’t help with the restless sleeping. So I’ve been on the laptop trying to keep distracted.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow, I’m going over with the pups to see L in the afternoon and in the evening we’re going to take Harvey to see Jurassic world in 3D πŸ™‚ it should be good fun. So yeah that should be a really good day, I have nothing planned for Sunday but I feel that maybe a Lego day! Well after I’ve found space to display them.

The rain has settled a lot now so I’m going to post this, take my meds and do my metoject (methotrexate injection) take pups for a wee and get to bed.

Peace out

Batman

Yesterdays blog that I didn’t actually post lol!…DO’H!

Today has been good but frustrating all in one.

I slept well last night, I was in bed before midnight again! Woohoo trying to get a better sleep routine…again lol but after my injection it seems to throw it all out. Also this lack of motivation too hasn’t helped. So my aim is to get to bed around 11 pm most nights. I would say every night but some nights I may go out or whatever.

Was rudely awoken by the alarm I set hahaha. I was having a nice sleep so it was pretty alarming! It was 8 am, I got my butt up and had some breakfast, checked my phone like its the daily newspaper lol.

I went to go have a shower but the fucking thing would not warm up! After I punched it a few times and screamed at it lots I decided it wasn’t going to work… so I had to wash in the sink. Because I like to have a good wash I made so much mess, water everywhere! But I felt really clean so I was happy with that.

Just had time to get dressed, put pups into the hallway with treats and head out to get the bus up to see my GP.

My app with him went so well! First we talked about trans stuff and said its something I am definitely taking forward and want to fully transition. I said I want to go to Charing Cross hospital in London. He said I am his first trans patient so he’s going to look into what he needs to do to get me there (I think its as simple as a referral) He said he’s really happy for me and he thinks this will be so great for my mental health. So yeah feel freaking awesome about that.

I then told him about my last appointment with my specialist and that I wasn’t happy with any of it. He said I don’t have to up the dose of methotrexate if I don’t want too and I said I really don’t, so he’s happy for me to continue with what I am on. He also said he is happy for me to continue taking tramadol and will be prescribing me 200 tabs at a time rather then 100. So happy with that. He also agrees that a different course of action should be taken with regards to the medication I am on right now. He is happy to refer me to another specialist that’s in a hospital much much closer to me. So yeah I am mega happy with that! He is totally on my side. Finally I’ve been listened too

Sprang out the doctors to the bus stop. I got into town and had to go order some meds, I totally forgot to ask when I saw my GP lol.

Got in to my happy puppies emoticon smile I sorted out their destruction and then took them across the road for 30mins to run about.

We got in and snuggled on the sofa to warm up. I rang my housing company to get my shower sorted and to tell them about being transgender and what are their policies to protect me etc and what I need to do when I get my deed poll for the title change and she was really nice and helpful.

Just relaxed with the pups, played on my tab and watched tv. The contractors didn’t ring me within the 2 hours that they were meant too. So I took the pups across the road again for a run for 20 mins. And when we got in I rang them back and they said someone will be over between 8-9 am tomorrow morning. I freaking hope so as I have to be out the house by 9:30… 10am if I decide to get a taxi as fox has an app for the groomers at 10:15 am.

Spent some time on the laptop posting on different forums and threads on here. Which has been good and I hope it’s been helpful to others.

I had myself some dinner, although I wasn’t really hungry. My appetite has seemed to have gone down the last few days. Just not really been hungry. Today I’ve eaten chocolate lucky charms and then half of my dinner and a few jelly beans for lunch lol! and that is it. It’s good in a way but I need to eat breakfast lunch and dinner. I just need to get things back on track a little but one thing at a time, as long as I am eating 2 meals then that’s ok for now.

Sat down thinking I need to sort this bloody binder out. But I got advised to look at another site called GC2b FTM. So I’ve been emailing them and they’ve been super useful. I’ve decided I am going to order 2 from them and it works out about $93/Β£62. It’s expensive but hopefully be worth it! I am beyond frustrated with this. I just want a boys chest now! Meh…

Feeling drained by this whole binder thing.. feeling a bit chesty tonight as well. But over all I am ok. I know I will get there eventually and the wait will totally be worth it. I just can’t wait lol!

So yeah that’s me, a mixed bag as ever but that makes it exciting lol!

Peace out

Batman

Awesome day! Shopping, sweets, cartoons and Lego

Updating early tonight. As I wanna get an early night and I also want to spend my evening putting a Lego set together, rather then sitting at the laptop all evening.

I got an early night last night, 11:30 pm. So much better then 4 am lol. I watched tv for a bit and played on my tab. Think I was asleep just gone midnight though because I was sleepy.

Woke up early again, I think this is because of the lowered dose of quetiapine, I don’t mind though, I’m still getting between 6-8 hours sleep so its not that bad. Had some breakfast and replied to a ton of facebook messages, which was cool. They were all so nice and positive πŸ™‚ all good to wake up too.

I did have a lil nap for an hour and that tide me over for the day. I’ve still been feeling pretty fatigued as usual but its not been so bad.

Got myself showered and dressed. Today I am rocking my new Adventure Time top, yeah boy! I took the pups across the road for a wee and run. Ah sun is shining, so nice and not as cold today. Spring is nearly here. Dropped the pups home and went into town to spend my birthday money.

Eeeek I had fun shopping! and I managed to get quite a lot too. I bought myself some new trainers, 3 tops obviously 2 were batman ones lol Adventure Time season 2 on dvd and a batman rubber band bracelet thing. Productive shopping trip πŸ™‚

I got in to my happy puppies πŸ™‚ and put my shopping away. Put a load of washing on. Just relaxed for a bit, my legs were so achy. I think its my muscles more then my joints. I didn’t sit still for long though. I went through all my clothes again lol! and there are so many that I just don’t wear or are too small. I got 2 girl vest tops, so giving them to my friends daughter. I might just take my clothes to the clothes bank box thing, too much effort to sell.

As the lovely sun was still shining but didn’t feel well enough to take pups out for a proper walk, I took them across the road again for a run. My bro text me to see where I was and he came over with lil Leo and we had a walk around. His gf had finished in the shop, so they all came over to mine for an hour. That was nice just chilling out with them and having snuggles with Leo πŸ™‚ They both asked me loads of questions and being trans and operations and what happens etc. It was a bit overwhelming, but I didn’t mind talking to them about it.

After they left, I hung up my washing and settled down on the sofa. I had my sweets, Pepsi, pups surrounding me, Adventure Time and my Star Wars Lego set πŸ™‚ Yeah perfect. It only took me 45 mins to put together, but it was pretty cool!

I needed to stretch out, so took the pups across the road again for another little run πŸ™‚ enjoying the last bit of sun.

Did myself some dinner a bit earlier tonight. I’ve just been chilling out watching Adventure time and playing fb games.

Been so achy today hate it. But least I am feeling great. Feel so free and happy πŸ™‚

Oh forgot to say I did get my chest binder….stupid thing doesn’t fit..*sigh* so gotta send it back. I’m going to order the next size up and a full length vest one. So fingers crossed! Getting frustrated with the binder shit lol. Sucks that there isn’t a shop that sells them.

I have group tomorrow, looking forward to that.

Β Yeah man rocking!

 ❀

Peace out

Batman