Ah Sunday evening…which means I have another week ahead of me to deal with! Urgh and I have a few battles to deal with this week.
I had some shit news through the post and WOW it’s utterly disgusting and I got so mad! So my disability living allowance benefit was ending so I had to re-apply but for something called personal independent payment, which is the same benefit just different name. I had to fill out a form and go for a face to face assessment with a physiotherapist who doesn’t know me or anything about my illnesses. Anyway whatever she wrote was obviously a load of SHIT! Because a few things weren’t mentioned like the fact I walked in with my walking stick and my recent manic episode. It goes by a points system and you have to get between 8-12 points to qualify for this benefit. I got 4 fucking points! and that was because I have a stool in my shower and a stool in the kitchen, it didn’t take into consideration anything else. My assessment was 2 hours long, I may as well have sat there and said fuck all! because it wouldn’t have made a difference. It’s disgusting it really is, I am ill, I am unable to work. Yet all of a sudden I am not ill enough to be awarded (which sounds like I’ve won a lottery or something, which it pretty much is) this money. If anything my condition has got worse over the years! I mean WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!
Now I have to appeal this bullshit, another battle I have to find the strength for. But there is a charity called Diverse Abilities who I can use to help me with this process. I’ll sort that out tomorrow at some point, but the sooner I sort it out the better. So I will push myself to get on it.
Despite all this bullshit going on, I still managed to have a good weekend and I tried just to put it all to the back of my mind. Which I managed for the most part.
I did the housework Saturday morning, sorted out a place for Harvey to sleep in my bedroom.
I left to go pick him up and as soon as I walked in Albert wanted to fight me and Harvey was showing my minecraft stuff.
Harvey and I got the bus to Poole, which takes so LONG! We were just chatting about all sorts 🙂 He’s so grown up now, love being able to have proper conversations now.
Grabbed him some lunch, stopped at the post office to post something to a friend’s kids. We had a look in a few shops while on our way down to the comic book shop. WOW I could stay in that shop all day long and buy like everything Batman. I got myself a comic and Harvey picked a deadpool comic.
We went and picked up the dogs and went for a walk down baiter. It was freaking cold down there by the sea and at one point I picked up foxy and put her in my jacket because she was shaking so much lol. Harvey had fun climbing across the rocks and the pups had fun running about and my crazy scrappy even went in the sea for a swim. I enjoyed the walk, it was definitely refreshing.
I took ages to warm up when we got in and I hurt so much, because I’d got so cold and I was standing around waiting for Harvey to climb over the rocks.
We chilled out watching both of the Ghostbusters films which was cool, I love these films as I grew up watching them and it’s great to share that with Harvey too.
H came over for the evening which was nice, Harvey asked my several times if she was coming over. He adores her so much, I love watching them together, it’s just so lovely.
Treated Harvey to pizza hut and I definitely deserved a treat. He’s a growing boy and ate 3 slices of pizza, which was about how much I ate.
We just chilled out chatting, watching tv. Harvey said he was hungry…and I don’t really have snack foods in, so I went to pick up some munch for my boy and my meds too.
Whilst I was out H and Harvey were having an argument about speed running, as Harvey didn’t believe that H can do it and that she’s 11th in the world. So H set up my ps2 and speed ran through Jak and Daxer at any percent. Harvey loved it, he sat and watched and asked lots of questions about what she was doing. H timed it and everything to prove to him, it was so funny.
Put him to bed after the speed running fun, it was 10:30 pm! H left too as she was intending to stay that long lol! Was good of her to stay and show Harvey.
I was just chilling, watching tv and playing on my tab. But I kept feeling anxious, like I felt sick to my stomach. I hate anxiety so much, I’ve not had bad anxiety like that for a while. It feels like I am about to die or my hearts about to beat out of my chest.
The anxiety settled a bit eventually, after lots of deep breathing and mindfulness. I didn’t get the bed until 2 am though, as I knew I wouldn’t sleep if I went to bed as anxious as I was.
I didn’t wake up until 9:30 am and Harvey was already awake but just being quiet playing on his phone.
We just relaxed, watched Cartoon Network and I had a nap for a bit on the sofa. I could have done with a bit more sleep but I had to get us over to L’s.
It didn’t take long to get me, Harvey and the pups ready to go. We headed out in the freezing cold to get the bus, I so hope it doesn’t snow..boo.
Harvey and I nodded off on the bus lol! I woke up just as we got to the stop before the one we had to get off at! PHEW!
The pups were all happy to see each other and Arnie was so happy to see me that he pissed all over me…. What if humans did that lol!
Just relaxed playing with Albert and the pups and talking to L too 🙂 while she was sorting out dinner.
Dinner was SO nice and I even managed to get Albert to say and eat carrot! WOOHOO! He’s hit terrible twos and is really fussy with his food at the moment. He’s such a funny boy though.
I did my manly duties and did the washing up for L 🙂 I dropped a plate in the washing up bowl and I managed to get bubbles on scrappy’s head! which he didn’t notice right away.
I didn’t want to stay too late, as I am tired and wanted to just go home and relax. But before I left I had to sort out Harvey’s ps3 as he’d accidentally put another disc in when there was already a disc in there, luckily I managed to get both of them out!
Me and the pups got back just before 6 pm, the flat was so cold. I stuck the heating on high and put my joggy bottoms on, my hips were aching and needed some comfy, soft trousers.
So ages ago when scrappy was small, he ate a wire that connected the sky box and internet. But I’ve finally got around to getting another wire…which I got before xmas lol! and I’ve been meaning to sort it out since then. But I was feeling hella manly so I decided to do a bit of DIY! and used tower cable clips to attach the wire to the wall, up and above the curtain rail. Surprisingly it didn’t take too long to do and I didn’t injure myself! WOOHOO!
Still feeling manly and like I needed to DO something, I sat and painted some boxes black. I am waiting for them to dry before I can cover them in PVA glue, so the paint won’t flake off. I made lots of mess and the cats ran across the sheet I was using and now I have foot prints on the kitchen floor! Cannot wait to cover them in glue tomorrow 😀 eeep.
Just been chilling this evening and the pups have been asleep since we got in. They are always shattered after seeing Arnie 🙂 least they’ve had good fun and I did too. I am really tired too but I needed to get this all out before I can sleep tonight.
My plan for tomorrow is to contact Diverse abilities to start this appeal. I am going to cover my boxes with glue, I’ve got to do the housework at some point and I might put one of my new Lego sets together. I then have my trans group social in the evening, which I am looking forward too. We are starting up our formal therapy sessions again on the 2nd of Feb at over the rainbow, so looking forward to that as well 🙂
I’m feeling MUCH better then I did yesterday, I’m not angry, depressed or anxious now. I’ve just accepted what has happened and what I have to do to fix it and I will make sure that I take extra care of myself while going through all of this.
“Accept the things you cannot change & change the things you can” Something I try and live by and it really helps in situations like I am right now with my benefits.
I love taking pictures.
Harvey having fun climbing across the rocks.
My beautiful boy 🙂
Bournemouth balloon looks so pretty at night.
I got nice and messy, it is the best! I love getting messy.
Really tired pups ❤
Even with all the bullshit I have to deal with, from my health, dealing with doctors, medications and side effects, benefits, gender stuff… I still come out fighting and I have now idea how, or even why sometimes. But I do, there’s a fire within me that burns because I want to live and I want to keep my independence, I want to keep my animals, I want to keep my life how it is right now. My life is no where NEAR perfect and I am always a work in progress and I will always keep fighting and when I think I can’t I have a handful of friends that I know will help carry me until I can fight again. I am very blessed to have them in my life ❤
I am proud of how far I have come, I was a different person now then I was say 4-5 years ago. I am a much better person then I was but like I said I am a work in progress, I am not aiming for perfection, I just want to be the best me I can be 🙂
I needed to end this post on a positive note, to remind myself that I am a good person and I have worked hard with my therapy to change bad behaviours etc. And to remind everyone, it’s never to late for change and you can change.;: