A day in the life of a trans guy

I’ve not written on here for a while, mainly because I’ve not really had anything much to say and partly because I’ve not had the concentration to be able to sit down and write, so I thought I would write a bit of an update regarding my transition.

On the 20th Feb was my 18 month post op top surgery! Which is so crazy, time has flow so quickly and I am still so pleased with the results of surgery, the scars look fab and its healed so well. I am beyond grateful and still just so happy with how my chest looks.

And on the 22nd of Feb was my 3 years and 6 months on testosterone which is just so crazy, can’t believe its been nearly 4 years already! Still trying to grow my beard in lol! but its getting there. Testosterone and surgery saved my life and I will be forever grateful for access to trans healthcare.

One thing I have been thinking about for a long while is my pronouns, I have been going by he/him which is cool that fits me fine but I’ve recently been thinking about going by they/them as well as he/him. Because I’m not out here trying to be a cis guy, I’m just trying to be me and for me I feel that he/him is just too restrictive and that in order to be he/him I have to be a certain way, which just isn’t me. I still identify as a trans masculine guy but I have a much softer, far more sensitive side and I don’t feel like who I am fits into the narrow view of what it is to be masculine and that’s totally fine with me, I definitely feel like they/them gives me more room to breathe and continue to explore myself, without such restrictions. It feels far more freeing already.

Being trans isn’t just hormones and surgery, its a constant journey of self discovery, for me it has been anyways and I think a lot of that is down to my growing confidence within myself and free from toxic/negative/gaslighting situations and free from others judgements so I’ve been able to really look at the things I really love and enjoy and not worry about what other people think about it because I AM happy and that’s all that matter and I am looking forward to continue to explore this part of my journey.

Always be yourself and if the people around you don’t like it or don’t respect you, get rid of them. If someone cannot respect you for who you are, they don’t deserve to have a place in your life. We all deserve to be treated with love and respect and we shouldn’t accept anything less.

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy – 6 Weeks post op Top surgery

Today marks 6 weeks since I had top surgery and its still feels a bit surreal and kinda dream like, but its the dream I’ve been dreaming for so long and it feels amazing.

I am really fussy with clothes and one of my concerns was that I non of my top would feel right after surgery, but so far I’ve not had any problems, in fact today I tried on a t-shirt that I’ve not worn in a while because it was tight across my chest area and it now fits perfectly! which I’m so happy about, its an Adventure Time t-shirt and its one of my faves.

I can finally sleep on my side properly now! which feels great. I don’t sleep well on my back but I’ve had too. So I’m hoping I can get my sleeping pattern a bit better and hopefully I’ll be able to sleep a bit better now as well.

Now my scars are healed and I have no scabs left I can go swimming! which I am beyond happy about, I love swimming and I love being in the water, near the water. I’m such a water baby! So now I need to get myself some swim shorts and find somewhere to swim. My local pool is always chilly which hurts my bones, but I know another pool close to me is always warmer. But I know the thought and actually doing it will be 2 different things, it will be scary but so freeing!

Apart from like once or twice, I’ve mainly been seen as male when I’m out and about which is amazing! Especially when out with my dogs and people are calling me their DAD! instead of mum, which used to really kill me each time, it was like a dagger through me. I’ve also noticed I get spoken to differently, it’s often quite nuanced but some occasions its more clear.

I’m starting to feel like I’m finding my place, like where I’m meant to be, who I’m meant to be. I don’t think in the 34 years I’ve ever felt like my real self or like I belonged anywhere, I’m slowly starting to feel who I am on the inside. I always felt trapped inside my head, inside this body but now I feel like its all starting to come out and I can live life as the real me and it feels good.

Peace out

Zak

Continuing my gender identity journey

Oooh so I haven’t written about this for a while.

So after looking after a toddler for a week…I think I have decided that I don’t want a child. Thinking about it properly and yeah being a bit selfish about it. I don’t think I’d cope emotionally or physically. Maybe…Maybe if I was in a stable relationship..but even then I think I would struggle. Kids change your entire life, change it right around. By the end of the week of looking after a 16 month old, I was feeling really emotional, exhausted and I felt ill. I feel like this anyway without a child in tow, but it was exaggerated. I was glad to give that boy back. I just don’t think its an option for me. Also the age thing, I’m nearly 30 and still single. If I find the person I want to marry say in 6 months, I’d want to be with them for at least 2 years before marriage, then the tricky business of children..that’s if she wants one too…I’ll be about 35 by then and I don’t want to be an older mother because of my physical illness and it will/could get worse as I get older. It’s going to kill me! Fact. Also if I physically gave birth to a child and then decided to transition along with all my other illness’s well that just aint fair on the kid. That kid could have my health issues etc.

I’ve done a LOT of thinking about the baby situation. Although my whole being craved for a child ever since I could remember, thinking about everything logically and rationally I don’t think that it could/should be something I do. It would be unfair on the child in many aspects. Especially if I couldn’t care for it, I’d hate that. I always knew there was a possibility that I couldn’t have children because of my physical health, but yeah I think I have come to the certain conclusion that yeah its not a responsible thing for me to do. Personally I think people are in love with the idea of having a baby, but aren’t prepared for the reality of it. They just jump in and have loads lol and yeah we need to procreate. But kids will change your entire life! They need you 24/7 and will not appreciate you until they are adults lol. Yeah good luck guys! I always say never say never….but I think I will be hard pushed to change my mind about this.

This brings me not so swiftly lol onto my gender identity journey. My few friends that know are slowly adjusting to calling me he and using the right pronouns and whatever, which is really cool. I know its a massive change, so when they mess up I don’t get upset about it. Sometimes I correct them, depends how I am feeling on the day. But yeah I’m pretty relaxed about it. An old guy the other day referred to me a he, which was a funny situation…he just started chatting to me about random stuff. Then he said to me friend “oh do you believe him” My friend said yes and we all laughed lol. It was random, but it felt good.

I’ve been thinking more being HE and yeah it just seems to fit.

Been dressing a bit differently lately, as well as my usual style. Just been mixing it up a bit. And when wearing the new style I’ve been gendered more as a guy which has been really good.

Today I went to the cinema on my own. Which I love doing, I saw Woman In Black 2 – Angel of Death. Ah I loved it! So good, I jumped a few times. After the film I had to go pee….Now this threw up a load of complications….Why everywhere can’t just have unisex toilets I don’t know. But yeah it was a bit of a mind field and not something I’d really thought about before. But today despite having these stupid womanly monthlys…I feel really male and I was in my batman jogging bottoms, batman hoodie and baseball cap, so yeah I looked like a teenage boy. I was thinking of going into the men’s for a pee, but it was early evening and it was starting to get busy so I chickened out and went into the woman’s and that in itself I hated because I got stared at for being in there because the woman probably think I’m a boy…even though I’m not binding yet. When I’m all in black my chest looks smaller. So yeah I felt uncomfortable at being in the woman’s toilets and felt uncomfortable at the thought of going into the men’s…Ahhh so where do I pee…I don’t fit into the stereotype MALE FEMALE toilets. GAH! So that was a real head fuck today. I’m going to see another film on Fri earlier in the day, so hopefully it won’t be so busy and if I need to pee and I feel brave, I might go into the men’s toilets…That is my goal for this week. So scary but a big step.

So yeah that’s me gender journey as it stands at the moment 🙂

Peace out

Batman