What a week and it’s only Wednesday!

Its only Wednesday and it has already been one hell of a week! I’m absolutely exhausted, in so much pain and so stressed out, literally don’t know how I am continuing to move forward and deal with all of this shit.

So Monday Scrappy went down hill, he was still being sick and he started pooping blood, he then went very lethargic. So I had to scramble around and got two of my friends to help me out but we managed to get him to the vets in the end. I was thinking the worse, as I’ve never seen him so poorly before. But the vet said he’s probably eaten something he shouldn’t have…which knowing scrappy is probably what happened lol. The vet gave him 3 injections, antibiotics, anti-sickness and anti-diarrhea and then some anti-diarrhea paste to give him for the next few days.

Yesterday Scrappy was still really subdue and not eating but today he’s really perked up. He’s eaten and played fetch, he’s still not 100% himself but he didn’t eat for 48 hours and didn’t sleep well for 48 hours so he’s probably exhausted and feeling really weak. I’m sure he’ll be back to his usual old self in a few more days. I’m just glad my baby boy is on the mend, I wouldn’t know what I would do without him or any of my babies.

Monday morning I spent ringing around my doctors and diverse abilities to sort out getting my case together for this tribunal for the disability benefits. I need to chase up one doc to see what’s going on, as I said I am at that hospital next week and can pick it all up.

My psych has been great, I saw him today to catch him up to speed with everything going on, so he’s going to write me an up to date letter for me to use at the tribunal, I just need to show him what I will be writing to them. So I am going to get diverse abilities to send me a copy of the appeal, so I can send to him because my case for the tribunal will still be along the same lines.

This fortnight after I pay out for everything I have £38… Yes I did treat myself to a £6 top and a haircut that cost £9 but I think I deserve a small treat after everything I’ve been through. But I can’t afford to get a taxi to my hospital app next week, so I’ve asked my brother to take me but I can’t afford to pay car parking because its expensive and I can’t expect my brother to either, so he’s just dropping me off. I have no money to socialise, which I know its not what it is for BUT because of my illnesses I get isolated very easily, so with no money to do anything, I will become isolated, bored and depressed.. This is no life at all, its just not fair! I just hate this so much, having to prove over and over that I am sick and “worthy” to be “awarded” these benefits. Its soul destroying to go over all my limitations and all the things that I struggle with or can’t do. I cannot WAIT for it all to be over, I will fight until I get my money, I need this money to live instead of just about surviving like I am right now.

Over the last few years I’ve watched helplessly as my health has gone down hill and I’ve not been able to do a thing about it. At the moment I am still having issues with my re-occurring sinus infections but next Fri I meet my new ENT doc. I am anxious about it but at the same time I can’t wait because it does need to be sorted out. Also this last week or so my right knee has been swollen after well doing anything and its has been really painful…But I can’t see my GP until next week. I had a letter to say he wants to see me, but the receptionists can’t possibly tell me why and they still cannot see me until Tues.. lol. I am over dealing with the gate keepers of the doctors, I just hope he doesn’t urgently need to see me for anything because well Tues will have to do.

So how do I feel right now? I really don’t know to be honest, overwhelmed is probably the right word to use right now. It’s all a bit too much and I have SO much to do and I am organising it all myself. I’m just grateful for the friends that I have around me right now and my brother, they are helping to keep me afloat.

I’m surprised that my dark passenger hasn’t made himself known, I think finally after 20 years I am totally in control of this dark addiction that I held so closely for most of my life. Finally there is a distance between us and he’s no longer walking anywhere near me. Throughout all of this stress I could have easily given my dark passenger permission to just take hold of me again but it hasn’t even crossed my mind, which is a huge step for me. I have cut once in about two and a half years and I am extremely proud of myself for that because before I stopped, cutting (my dark passenger) totally controlled my life, say if my current situation with benefits, health etc was to happen 4 years ago then I would probably be cut to shreds, I would probably be cutting every day because of the stress. Like I said I’ve not thought about and even now talking about it, isn’t a trigger at all, which again is a huge improvement for me. I’ve said before that I enjoyed cutting but now I understand myself a lot more and understand that I have sensory processing issues and that is why I enjoyed it. Now I am aware of that I have different things that I use when I need that sensory feeling or whatever, its difficult to explain.

I’m glad I’ve written about all this because it has shown me that despite all of the shit I am going through, I do have things that I can still be proud of 🙂 and that is a good mood booster, least I am still moving forward and making progress.

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Batman

Anger Issues and Great Friends

Sunday again..it seems to come around quicker every week and wow what a week it’s been.

How would I describe this week? Well this week has been filled with high emotion, mainly anger and frustration, with a bit of crying and some happy days. But the anger was really fucking intense, like I felt like the hulk and just wanted to smash everything. I hate feeling like that though because I feel so out of control and I kinda scare myself too..like is that normal? I don’t know, maybe it is.

My anger issues became worse after my dad died, which is a normal part of the grieving process and it did subside for a while. But since coming out as transgender my anger is a bit of a issue again, some days even smalls things makes my blood absolutely boil and I become angry in an instant.

It’s probably due to a number of things, like having issues with changing my details at my doctors and the fact he took so long to refer me to the gender clinic, which is another battle I have to fight. Then on top of that I am dealing with gender dysphoria, so disassociation from myself, mind and body. The frustration of constantly being misgendered and the fact I can’t bind my chest..yeah the list of frustrations about the transition as it is right now just goes on and on. I know I will be happier in the long run and it will be worth it, but it’s been a massive trigger for me not being able to control my anger. Through all of this crap though I’ve only resorted to cutting once 🙂 which I am proud of because before I did DBT, if faced with a situation like this then I would have just succumbed to my self harm addiction and it would have totally taken over me and I would have had NO control. But because I have done DBT and I have grown as a person, the addiction, my dark passenger is no longer in control of me. I am totally in control of my dark passenger now and he’s never far behind me and he will probably always be with me, but right now my dark passenger has now power, I’ve taken the power back. In two and a half years I’ve only cut once and that’s just a huge thing for me, as at one point in my life I cut every single day. So yeah I have come a hell of a long way and I am extremely proud of myself for that.

I did a course on anger management, not for myself though. I did that course when I was working with young people, so it was about how to work with people with anger issues..anyway I mention this because I think I may still have the paper work some where and it could be useful for me to look at and do some of the worksheets…Might be worth a bash!

I am still doing my mindfulness, although the last few weeks it has been difficult to sit and do because I’ve either been too tired and it’s made me fall asleep or I’ve just not been calm enough or been able to get myself into a place where I have been able to sit and meditate. Next week is a fresh week and I will try again 🙂 I do need some grounding and relaxation, I need to get back into my body and relax my body.

Since my last post I have had 3 good days and I do feel more relaxed and happier then I have done this past few weeks. I love that I have amazing network of friends around me now, a few years ago I didn’t and I would have just sunk. But now with my friends and my groups I can keep myself afloat.

Friday was really busy, the dogs had their haircut in the morning and I had the doctors in the afternoon and I spent 4 hours in the evening baking things for the weekend.

The doctors went ok, I have more antibiotics and if after them I still feel rough then I’ve gotta do a sputum sample and he will refer me back to ears, nose and throat. Also got to mention it to the chest doc tomorrow and see if he has any ideas about what we can do. My gp is going to back me up to the benefits people, as he’s been asked to do a report for ESA. So yeah I am really pleased about that. The last few times I’ve been to see him I’ve been really emotional lol and close to crying, out of sheer frustration. But he’s great and he’s such a lovely GP.

Saturday I did the housework in the morning and in the afternoon I had friends over for Foxy’s birthday party. Which was so much fun, all 4 dogs had a great time playing with each other and eating their little cakes. We also went for a short walk and got home just before it started raining.

H came over for a few hours, which was so great to see her as I know she is really struggling right now. So I really appreciated the fact she came over 🙂

L and Harvey ended up staying the night, so that was cool. We had burger king for dinner and watched Batman films. I let Harvey have a go on my Lego Jurassic world game and he LOVED it lol and asked me to buy it for him, cheeky boy. So I said I might get it for his birthday if he’s a good boy.

After Harvey went to bed, L dyed her hair pink and we put a bit on foxy too lol. Then we watched Sinister 2 🙂 and I had to watch something funny after or I wouldn’t have slept lol!

L and Harvey left early this morning, so I could go nap for a bit. I then got on it like sonic, did the housework, put dinner on in the slow cooker, had a shower and took the pups out for a quick wee.

Then I was all calm and ready for my two friends who came over for dinner. They spent all afternoon until the evening with me, they enjoyed the dinner I made and I really enjoyed cooking it. E had brought over a crumble that she had made and that was so yum. We played the card game that E taught me how to play and I really love it 🙂

So yes a great 3 day which I totally needed, I am extremely blessed to have these people in my life. I hope I lift them up as much as they lift me up.

This week isn’t too busy, I have the hospital tomorrow and group social in the evening, that’s if I feel ok enough. I have my 1:1 gender counselling Tues and Mindout LGBT mental health group social on Thursday and I am hoping to feel well enough to go to my friends boy’s birthday party  on Sunday.

Apart from tomorrows appointment, I am looking forward to this week. I do have lots to sort out, I need to look through my bills and see what I can cut or get down a bit. Need to ring Diverse abilities again to get an appointment with someone to help sort out my ESA. I just need to get super organised and stock up on essentials for me and the pups, in hope to take the pressure off when my money goes down in two weeks from this Tues.

Urgh when I did I get so grown up and have to deal with all this lol! I hate this adult stuff, I want a refund! It is NOT as it was advertised.

How am I feeling right now in this moment after writing this blog? Well I am extremely tired and I wasn’t going to write but I kinda needed too and I feel so much better for it, I always do. I feel happy and I suppose you could say I feel content in this moment, I feel relaxed too. I also feel strong, strong enough to sort my benefits out, strong enough to win this fight. I know there will be times when I won’t feel strong. But in this moment I feel very strong and capable, this is down to cooking for friends this evening, I feel proud of myself for that.

Here are some pics from the last few days

 Me looking and feeling hella fly!

 My beautiful foxy girl after her haircut.

 Harvey

 Foxy, Scrappy and Arnie 🙂

 Benny and Arnie 🙂

Peace out

Batman

I will never stop fighting – Benefits suck!

Ah Sunday evening…which means I have another week ahead of me to deal with! Urgh  and I have a few battles to deal with this week.

I had some shit news through the post and WOW it’s utterly disgusting and I got so mad! So my disability living allowance benefit was ending so I had to re-apply but for something called personal independent payment, which is the same benefit just different name. I had to fill out a form and go for a face to face assessment with a physiotherapist who doesn’t know me or anything about my illnesses. Anyway whatever she wrote was obviously a load of SHIT! Because a few things weren’t mentioned like the fact I walked in with my walking stick and my recent manic episode. It goes by a points system and you have to get between 8-12 points to qualify for this benefit. I got 4 fucking points! and that was because I have a stool in my shower and a stool in the kitchen, it didn’t take into consideration anything else. My assessment was 2 hours long, I may as well have sat there and said fuck all! because it wouldn’t have made a difference. It’s disgusting it really is, I am ill, I am unable to work. Yet all of a sudden I am not ill enough to be awarded (which sounds like I’ve won a lottery or something, which it pretty much is) this money. If anything my condition has got worse over the years! I mean WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

Now I have to appeal this bullshit, another battle I have to find the strength for. But there is a charity called Diverse Abilities who I can use to help me with this process. I’ll sort that out tomorrow at some point, but the sooner I sort it out the better. So I will push myself to get on it.

Despite all this bullshit going on, I still managed to have a good weekend and I tried just to put it all to the back of my mind. Which I managed for the most part.

I did the housework Saturday morning, sorted out a place for Harvey to sleep in my bedroom.

I left to go pick him up and as soon as I walked in Albert wanted to fight me and Harvey was showing my minecraft stuff.

Harvey and I got the bus to Poole, which takes so LONG! We were just chatting about all sorts 🙂 He’s so grown up now, love being able to have proper conversations now.

Grabbed him some lunch, stopped at the post office to post something to a friend’s kids. We had a look in a few shops while on our way down to the comic book shop. WOW I could stay in that shop all day long and buy like everything Batman. I got myself a comic and Harvey picked a deadpool comic.

We went and picked up the dogs and went for a walk down baiter. It was freaking cold down there by the sea and at one point I picked up foxy and put her in my jacket because she was shaking so much lol. Harvey had fun climbing across the rocks and the pups had fun running about and my crazy scrappy even went in the sea for a swim. I enjoyed the walk, it was definitely refreshing.

I took ages to warm up when we got in and I hurt so much, because I’d got so cold and I was standing around waiting for Harvey to climb over the rocks.

We chilled out watching both of the Ghostbusters films which was cool, I love these films as I grew up watching them and it’s great to share that with Harvey too.

H came over for the evening which was nice, Harvey asked my several times if she was coming over. He adores her so much, I love watching them together, it’s just so lovely.

Treated Harvey to pizza hut and I definitely deserved a treat. He’s a growing boy and ate 3 slices of pizza, which was about how much I ate.

We just chilled out chatting, watching tv. Harvey said he was hungry…and I don’t really have snack foods in, so I went to pick up some munch for my boy and my meds too.

Whilst I was out H and Harvey were having an argument about speed running, as Harvey didn’t believe that H can do it and that she’s 11th in the world. So H set up my ps2 and speed ran through Jak and Daxer at any percent. Harvey loved it, he sat and watched and asked lots of questions about what she was doing. H timed it and everything to prove to him, it was so funny.

Put him to bed after the speed running fun, it was 10:30 pm! H left too as she was intending to stay that long lol! Was good of her to stay and show Harvey.

I was just chilling, watching tv and playing on my tab. But I kept feeling anxious, like I felt sick to my stomach. I hate anxiety so much, I’ve not had bad anxiety like that for a while. It feels like I am about to die or my hearts about to beat out of my chest.

The anxiety settled a bit eventually, after lots of deep breathing and mindfulness. I didn’t get the bed until 2 am though, as I knew I wouldn’t sleep if I went to bed as anxious as I was.

I didn’t wake up until 9:30 am and Harvey was already awake but just being quiet playing on his phone.

We just relaxed, watched Cartoon Network and I had a nap for a bit on the sofa. I could have done with a bit more sleep but I had to get us over to L’s.

It didn’t take long to get me, Harvey and the pups ready to go. We headed out in the freezing cold to get the bus, I so hope it doesn’t snow..boo.

Harvey and I nodded off on the bus lol! I woke up just as we got to the stop before the one we had to get off at! PHEW!

The pups were all happy to see each other and Arnie was so happy to see me that he pissed all over me…. What if humans did that lol!

Just relaxed playing with Albert and the pups and talking to L too 🙂 while she was sorting out dinner.

Dinner was SO nice and I even managed to get Albert to say and eat carrot! WOOHOO! He’s hit terrible twos and is really fussy with his food at the moment. He’s such a funny boy though.

I did my manly duties and did the washing up for L 🙂 I dropped a plate in the washing up bowl and I managed to get bubbles on scrappy’s head! which he didn’t notice right away.

I didn’t want to stay too late, as I am tired and wanted to just go home and relax. But before I left I had to sort out Harvey’s ps3 as he’d accidentally put another disc in when there was already a disc in there, luckily I managed to get both of them out!

Me and the pups got back just before 6 pm, the flat was so cold. I stuck the heating on high and put my joggy bottoms on, my hips were aching and needed some comfy, soft trousers.

So ages ago when scrappy was small, he ate a wire that connected the sky box and internet. But I’ve finally got around to getting another wire…which I got before xmas lol! and I’ve been meaning to sort it out since then. But I was feeling hella manly so I decided to do a bit of DIY! and used tower cable clips to attach the wire to the wall, up and above the curtain rail. Surprisingly it didn’t take too long to do and I didn’t injure myself! WOOHOO!

Still feeling manly and like I needed to DO something, I sat and painted some boxes black. I am waiting for them to dry before I can cover them in PVA glue, so the paint won’t flake off. I made lots of mess and the cats ran across the sheet I was using and now I have foot prints on the kitchen floor! Cannot wait to cover them in glue tomorrow 😀 eeep.

Just been chilling this evening and the pups have been asleep since we got in. They are always shattered after seeing Arnie 🙂 least they’ve had good fun and I did too. I am really tired too but I needed to get this all out before I can sleep tonight.

My plan for tomorrow is to contact Diverse abilities to start this appeal. I am going to cover my boxes with glue, I’ve got to do the housework at some point and I might put one of my new Lego sets together. I then have my trans group social in the evening, which I am looking forward too. We are starting up our formal therapy sessions again on the 2nd of Feb at over the rainbow, so looking forward to that as well 🙂

I’m feeling MUCH better then I did yesterday, I’m not angry, depressed or anxious now. I’ve just accepted what has happened and what I have to do to fix it and I will make sure that I take extra care of myself while going through all of this.

“Accept the things you cannot change & change the things you can” Something I try and live by and it really helps in situations like I am right now with my benefits.

I love taking pictures.

Harvey having fun climbing across the rocks.

 My beautiful boy 🙂

 Bournemouth balloon looks so pretty at night.

I got nice and messy, it is the best! I love getting messy.

 Really tired pups ❤

Even with all the bullshit I have to deal with, from my health, dealing with doctors, medications and side effects, benefits, gender stuff… I still come out fighting and I have now idea how, or even why sometimes. But I do, there’s a fire within me that burns because I want to live and I want to keep my independence, I want to keep my animals, I want to keep my life how it is right now. My life is no where NEAR perfect and I am always a work in progress and I will always keep fighting and when I think I can’t I have a handful of friends that I know will help carry me until I can fight again. I am very blessed to have them in my life ❤

I am proud of how far I have come, I was a different person now then I was say 4-5 years ago. I am a much better person then I was but like I said I am a work in progress, I am not aiming for perfection, I just want to be the best me I can be 🙂

I needed to end this post on a positive note, to remind myself that I am a good person and I have worked hard with my therapy to change bad behaviours etc. And to remind everyone, it’s never to late for change and you can change.;:

  🙂

Peace out

Batman

G.I.C workshop @ Charing Cross hospital

I am so so so tired, I probably should get to bed right now. But I need to get stuff out my head before I can sleep and rest properly.

Monday night it took me nearly an hour to get to sleep because I was so anxious about Tues morning and it was so weird not having the pups in bed with me. But I eventually got to sleep…not for long though as I was up at 5:45 am Tuesday morning.

I got up, had breakfast, showered, dressed and sorted my backpack out. Man it was so weird, the flat was so quiet without the pups lol. Mind I didn’t miss scrappy following me about with his toys waiting for me to play fetch every 2 seconds! I had some time to watch a bit of tv and check my backpack like a hundred times to make sure I’ve got absolutely everything I needed. Anxious much! eeeep!

Whilst walking to the coach stop, my heart started racing, I was hot/cold and sweaty, I was shaking internally. I was a mess lol and at one point I felt like walking back home. But I carried on and I got on the coach, put my seatbelt on and off the coach went.

As the time went on my anxiety lessened because well, I was on the motorway on the way to Hammersmith London, there was no turning back lol. So I just had to get on with it! I had a nice lady sat next to me and we chatted a bit, she also gave me some directions as well which was great and totally spot on 🙂

The fucking weather was crap, it was raining heavily on and off all day. When I got off the coach I managed to walk and find my way to the gender identity clinic. I was an hour early but I was there, safe and sound. Oh on the way though some absolute fucking cock drove straight through a puddle and soaked me! I was not fucking impressed, so I flipped him off and shouted cunt at him lol!

Oh I was the first person waiting…haha. There was another guy that turned up not long after me, so we sat and chatted while we were waiting and he took my number. Loads of people soon started piling in! Which as a bit overwhelming but cool to see so many trans peeps in the same place 🙂 Some were out like me, some weren’t and some were non binary etc, so yeah it was cool.

The workshop itself was good, talked about what to expect, went through the process and what sort of things are available to us, what is covered by the NHS and what things aren’t (all is covered apart from a boob job) Talked us through the surgeries, female to male and male to female, saw some graphic surgery pictures lol! That was a bit gross, especially the male to female surgery! EEEEP! But overall it was really good and I enjoyed it. Oh and I was chatting to a lady in there and I gave her to details of the trans group I go to as she doesn’t live too far from me which is cool.

I headed back to the coach stop, picking up a sandwich on the way through because I was so freaking hungry. But I could have actually stopped to eat something properly because the coach was an hour late! My phone had died and the plug on the coach where I was sat was broken… and the battery life on my tab is awful. I couldn’t really relax because I was just so anxious to get to L’s to get my babies!

The coach was 40 mins late getting to Bournemouth but the traffic and road works was fucking awful on the way back. I hopped into a taxi and went to L’s 🙂 OMG it was soooo good to see my happy babies! Scrappy was crying bless him and foxy was happy barking at me lol!

I stayed at L’s for a little bit, just to catch up 🙂 didn’t stay too long because I just needed to get into my bed so bad.

Got the bus home with the pups, chatting to a few friends.

Got in, grabbed some food, meds, chargers for phone and tab, chucked phone and tab in my bedroom, got a nice cold can of Pepsi and collapsed onto my bed with a big sigh of relief. Ah meds, food and a nice cold can of Pepsi was so lush!

I caught up with a few peeps online who were asking me about my day but I couldn’t stay up much longer. So I was sound asleep by about half 11 pm I think.

Wow it was a really long day but I am so so chuffed that I went and I did it all by myself 🙂 and I made some friends too!

Today I woke up at 9 am, went for a pee, had something to eat and drink and went back to bed until 12 pm, I soooo needed it but I’m still not really fully functional lol. I’ve been in my own world most of the day.

I did do the housework this afternoon, did a load of laundry…that leaked grey and black onto lighter coloured clothes…oops lol! But whatever..

Went into town, got electric, paid my rent and treated myself to some new stuff. I got new trainers, boxers and two t-shirts. I think I bloody well deserved it 😀 that’s my story and I am sticking to it! haha.

Got back and relaxed for a bit, took some pain meds as my legs were aching. Then took the pups out for a nice walk 🙂

This evening I’ve just been relaxing, wasn’t really hungry so just had a sandwich for dinner. Been catching up with my groups online which has been cool 🙂

I suppose I am feeling ok tonight, just tired. I don’t really feel really happy or really depressed. I just feel ok…maybe I feel a little down but I think that’s because well it has been a hell of a week. I think the London trip was a massive distraction from what’s actually going on in my head if that makes sense. I was so anxious and wrapped up with worrying about the workshop that everything else I was worrying about has been pushed away. But I can feel it all slowly creeping back into my head, which sucks but there are things I need to deal with, like the shitty benefits wankers! URGH! So yeah I am fully expecting my mood to drop again.

Physically I’m ok, just really achy and tired. My skin on my right hand is really peeling all over my fingers. I’m not complaining because I like picking it but it does get a lil sore. I think I’m having a lil flare up because every day I feel a bit run down, which is a really crappy feeling.

Right I need to get to bed,

Peace out

Batman

Peace, love, happiness <3

I am 19 months self harm free today 🙂 So freaking proud of myself!

My trans group was good last night, got a lot out of it. I got home to my happy puppies, I sorted the mess out they had made, I then took them out for a wee and I was in bed by just gone 11 pm. Put on Despicable me and ended up watching the whole film and playing on my tab. Took me a while to fall asleep, so I did some mindfulness to help me relax enough to fall asleep and it helped.

Slept well last night, not sure what time I woke up but it was before 9 am. I did my usual, had breakfast, watched tv and snuggled up on the sofa with the pups and I ended up falling back to sleep for a bit.

I was up showered, dressed and in town by midday. Went and paid my rent and got some electric. I treated myself to some new Batman stuff that I found 🙂 I was so happy with my find. I got a new Batman top, cup and a Batman double duvet set! SO chuffed with it! I’ve been searching for AGES for a reasonably priced duvet set and I’ve finally found one! YAY!

Got home and put my electric on and sorted out my new bits. I put the new duvet set onto wash to get rid of the plastic smell. I tidied up a bit as well.

Sat down and had some lunch, played on my tab and watched a bit of tv.

Pups had a vets appointment this afternoon, so I got us all ready and we went across the road for a pee before going through town to the bus. Got to the vets a bit early but I don’t mind waiting in there, the staff are all really nice and the pups love being fussed. They both had their flea treatment and foxy had her worming tablet. They both got weighed and foxy is 3.1kgs and scrappy is 5.8kgs, he’s put on weight since last month lol my little fatty. They were both so good being at the vets, not scared or anything. She gave me some advice about foxy’s tooth but for now I am going to leave it be as it isn’t causing her any issues but I do need to get her spayed first.

We got home about 4 pm man I was feeling tired just after that little trip lol. I fully reclined the sofa and AHHH relaxed watching Futurama and The Simpsons for a bit.

Did myself a nice steak dinner with roast potatoes, peas and onion gravy 🙂 NICE!

After dinner I took the pups out to play across the road for half an hour to enjoy to last bit on natural sun light 🙂 It was so nice to be out there, made me feel so happy, relaxed and energised. I can’t wait for the clocks to go forward this weekend.

Not been doing much this evening, just watching tv, on the laptop. Put some bits up to sell on gumtree.

Feeling pretty good today, I did some good deeds as well. I sent my step dad some more money so I hope that helps him a little, I also sent my friend some money to treat herself and her cat to a lil something 🙂 It feels good to be able to help the people I love. I feel great to cutting negative influences out of my life too, I am all about positivity, peace, love etc and that feels so much better then how my life was a few years ago. I’ve come such a long way and I am SO proud of myself.

Anyway that’s enough of me. I am tired and need to get myself to bed.

Tomorrows plan is to clean up the flat in the morning and if its nice and I feel ok I really want to take the pups across the bridge to go for a nice walk 🙂 or I’m gonna take time to chill

Peace out

Batman

Sleep, Lego and sweets

I didn’t get to bed until 4:30 am, it was just messing about.

This happened while we went for a walk before bed

I swear down scrappy thinks he’s a bloody lion. We were out walking around our usual route and he spotted something, kept growling etc, kept telling him to leave and be quiet as it’s early hours and I couldn’t see what he was making a fuss about. So we walk round a bit further up, look around to see where they both are, foxy was behind me and scrappy had wandered off into the tree’s. Seconds later he comes darting across the green chasing a bloody fox! Wtf lol. He actually chased away a fully grown fox. My boy is insane.

Woke up 4 hours later! Yeah thanks body lol. Snuggled up on the sofa with the pups, with a can of Pepsi and some lucky charms for breakfast 🙂 yum.

Fell asleep on the sofa until about 12:30 pm, so least I caught up. Just chilled for a bit, then had a BURST of energy so jumped in the shower and got myself dressed into my comfy batman joggy bottoms again lol. Got the pups ready and we went across the road and had a run about for half hour 🙂 well they ran I walked. It was really lovely out today, wish I felt well enough to take them for a proper walk.

Foxy won dog of the day on a facebook group called I love my Yorkie, I mean she should because she is utterly gorgeous 🙂 Made my day! Felt so proud when I saw it.

I got all settled on the sofa, Pepsi, sweets, crap tv and my Lego set 😀 Yeah my afternoon sorted. Took me nearly 2 hours to put together, which compared to my last set was a piece of cake! Love putting it together so much. Keeps me so focused, not many things I can solidly focus on without a break. I love writing, but sometimes I can take hours to write my blog. Because I get up and down, get lost in my head, watch tv, eat, play with the dogs lol. It takes a lot for me to concentrate, that’s why I love my lego so much because with that I can be truly mindful and totally in the moment. Which feels great and I have something to show for it as well. So yeah 🙂

After that I sorted out the big pile of washing up that was stacked up waiting to be done lol. Gah I hate cleaning up so much lol, but it was done and I got my dinner on. I had a nice steak, roast veg, roast potatoes and onion gravy YUM!

Just been relaxing this evening. I am feeling a little better but I’m still really chesty. I have an appointment to see my GP in the morning, then I am going to see Into the Woods in the afternoon and then just chilling out in the evening.

I’m not feeling as down today, but I have made sure I’ve properly looked after myself today. Just gotta roll with it.

My beautiful babies this afternoon getting ready to go across the road for a run 🙂

Peace out

Batman

Buz Buzz Buzzz Buzzzz

Last night I was in bed by 11 pm and I think I pretty much managed to sleep soon after. 

I got up at a reasonable time this morning, had something to eat and just relaxed a bit. Did the usual morning routine and got showered and that. Waited till 12 pm for my friend D to come over.

When D arrived we pretty much went straight back out and took miss foxy girl for a walk. Which was really nice as the sun was shining again 🙂 

Dropped foxy home and D and I went into town, I bought myself a sleeping bag, as I am going camping at the weekend. I am SO excited for this. I am going away with work friends as it is G’s 50th bday, so D and I bought some banners, balloons and a few silly things to take with us, should be so much fun. I want to pack now lol! I bought myself a pirate top ready for Harry Paye day in June, so excited for this. Hopefully going with L and the boys and I am hoping my friend S will come down to stay with me, so he can come too. I got G a batman top for his bday present. 

Took the shopping back to mine and headed back out to Bournemouth where we went to the pub for dinner and looked in a few shops to kill time before work. 

Work was awesome 🙂 felt like I did some really good youth work tonight, so pretty proud of myself. 

I got back and took fox for a wee, then I went to the shop to get some bits for camping! I am like uber excited and almost want to pack right now lol! But not going till Fri. It will be foxy’s 1st camping trip 🙂 

It’s now 2:30 am and I am still freaking buzzing so much lol. I need to take my meds and get my ass to bed really WOOOOOOOOOOOOO 😀 lol

Peace out

Tank girl

Feeling ok…

So doc referred me back to the Thoracic medicine (chest doc) To look at my chest again and maybe my windpipe. Yeah just chatted about my treatment of my WG etc… so we’ll see how it all pans out.

Spent Fri with L and the boys. So proud of Harvey for getting a certificate for trying to be good 🙂 We chilled out, had KFC for dinner, yeah it was good.

Saturday was spent mainly chilling out on the sofa! watching American Horror Story, which is my new addiction. I got up and showered etc and was in town by 4:30 pm and did a few bits. Paid rent, put some money on a gift card so I can save up for the PS4, got some sweets. Went out for dinner with, S, M and W, so that was nice. Came back to mine and packed up my stuff and S came and picked me up.

Me and foxy stayed and G and S’s for the night. We spent the evening chilling, eating and chatting. I got to sleep at gone 2 am and was woken up early by G as he was off to work lol.

S made us breakfast after I had a shower etc, then we caught the bus and took the dogs for a nice walk. It was good to get out with the girls for a bit. S dropped me and fox home about 3 pm. I went to Asda to get a few bits and bobs. Came back, sorted my bag out etc and put the tv, ended up falling asleep for a few hours on the sofa, didn’t mean too, but I felt so tired. 

Just been relaxing this evening. Addicted to playing odd socks lol. Going to go to bed soon. I’m tired.

I am meeting up with a girl I met on Plenty of Fish on Tues 🙂 so looking forward to it.

Been feeling a bit nervous and anxious and not really sure why… hmm

Peace out

Tank girl

Goodbye 2013 its been a hell of a year

So what can I say, its the last day of 2013. Just sat here eating cheese and drinking Pepsi thinking about everything that has happened this year.

It’s been a hell of a year, I’ve been in love, I’ve been happy, I’ve been heart broken and hurt, I’ve lost friends and gained friends. I’ve got new pets. I’ve pushed myself, I’ve been hard on myself. I’ve done voluntary work, I’ve dressed as a zombie, I’ve laughed lots, I’ve cried lots. I was there just after baby Albert was born. I’ve walked lots, I’ve rested. I’ve achieved so much, passed my maths, finished therapy. I’ve grown, I’ve fought through. I’ve seen Paloma and Russell Brand. I’ve seen old friends. People in my live have passed away *R.I.P BRUCE* *R.I.P HARRY AND CODY* *A BOND LIKE NO OTHER* I’ve worked hard and played harder. I am proud of myself and what I have been through. This haven’t always been so easy, but I am a fighter and a survivor and I will never give up. Every day I strive to do my best and make my dad proud! 

2014 holds so many new and exciting things, I go back to voluntary work, I am doing some fund raising work. I have many more things up my sleeve that I am going to put into place. But the most important of all I am going to continue to grow, continue to keep well. I am going to love myself, my animals, family and friends and do the best I can 🙂

The future doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom! You make your own happiness and success.

Keep strong, keep fighting, keep LIVING 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl x

Proud dog owner :)

Had a slow start to the day, just chilled out sleeping mainly lol! 

Then I took my foxy girl for a walk, which took about 2 hours as we had to stop at say hello to nearly every dog and person! We got to the big green field and I’ve been bursting to take her off her lead for ages! But been to scared too. But this field is big so I thought I would let her off the lead. OMG I was so freaking anxious about it lol, but had to remain calm as I didn’t want to freak her out. At first she was just walking beside me as she hadn’t caught on that she was free to run, then she started running and OMG my lil heart was racing, but I calmly bent down and called her back and she came straight away and I did that a few times and also told her to wait a few times and she did! and she did it all without the offer of treats 🙂 I am still smiling ear to ear now about! Can’t wait to do it again. 

After my walk I went to see S as she wanted me to take the library as she needed to do some photo copying but didn’t know where it was. So I sat in the shop for a bit while her mom had a cup of tea, then S and I went into town. She decided not to do her paperwork at the library as it would of cost too much, so we went back to the shop and S let me do my own pick and mix 😀 so cool! then I kept her company up stairs while she put her files together for court. She is trying to get her husband over here from Egypt and Egypt is not in the EU and he’s Muslin so yea they are fighting a really hard battle. He’s not going to be coming over to claim benefits, he’s going to be working and S will be supporting them both until he does find a job. Anyway its been really stressful for them both and she has a court hearing in 12 days to plead her case! Prayers for S and Mally! I pray they are able to be together soon ❤ We were naughty again tonight and all went out for dinner lol.

Just been relaxing this evening, heads hurting as usual! 😦 Been meaning to go to bed but, I needed to write on here. Got my ENT app tomorrow, my mom and friend C are coming with me, so that’s cool.

Right I need to take my meds and go to bed!

 Foxy girl off her lead 😀 proud moment!

 Baiter 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl x