Psych app – Not where I want to be but where I need to be

Thought I would write a quick update from my post the other day as I had my psych appointment this afternoon.

My appointment was roughly 10 minutes long, barely that I would say. I wasn’t able to actually express myself properly and how bad I’ve actually been feeling, I was able to say my mood was low but that was about it. So yeah he really didn’t get the extent of what I am feeling right now.

He didn’t want to try me on Lamotrigine, he wanted me to see how I felt after the tribunal for benefits. He so didn’t get that I didn’t want to go to this appointment in the first fucking place! It took a lot for me to ring up and book an appointment as I feel like I’ve failed!

But I put my foot down and said no I really want to try it, even if its for 6 months just until I get back onto my feet again. So he reluctantly gave me Lamotrigine to try and I am glad I was able to put my foot down and get what I wanted.

I left feeling really fucking angry, mainly because I just felt rushed and that he just didn’t understand me at all! It took a lot for me to go there in the first place let alone say yeah I’m really fucking suicidal all the time…

But whatever its done, I got the meds I wanted so I shouldn’t hang on to it too much.

My OT rang this morning and she has done the paper work for me to get a social services blue pass so I will be able to renew my bus pass without waiting for PIP results, so I feel a bit more relieved about that I just hope it comes through quickly.

I’ve also decided to go on homeswappers just to see whats available, because if I leave it up to the council it could take forever, after all 1% of people are being adequately housed right now..URGH!

Oh my ESA assessment on Mon went well, the lady was a nurse and it was all over fairly quickly. She was really nice and totally understood my situation. So I am hoping I will here pretty soon.

Not really sure how I feel, I’m trying to let go of the anger about my appointment and just get over it but easier said then done right now.

So yeah I’m not where I want to be but I am where I need to be

Peace out


What a week and it’s only Wednesday!

Its only Wednesday and it has already been one hell of a week! I’m absolutely exhausted, in so much pain and so stressed out, literally don’t know how I am continuing to move forward and deal with all of this shit.

So Monday Scrappy went down hill, he was still being sick and he started pooping blood, he then went very lethargic. So I had to scramble around and got two of my friends to help me out but we managed to get him to the vets in the end. I was thinking the worse, as I’ve never seen him so poorly before. But the vet said he’s probably eaten something he shouldn’t have…which knowing scrappy is probably what happened lol. The vet gave him 3 injections, antibiotics, anti-sickness and anti-diarrhea and then some anti-diarrhea paste to give him for the next few days.

Yesterday Scrappy was still really subdue and not eating but today he’s really perked up. He’s eaten and played fetch, he’s still not 100% himself but he didn’t eat for 48 hours and didn’t sleep well for 48 hours so he’s probably exhausted and feeling really weak. I’m sure he’ll be back to his usual old self in a few more days. I’m just glad my baby boy is on the mend, I wouldn’t know what I would do without him or any of my babies.

Monday morning I spent ringing around my doctors and diverse abilities to sort out getting my case together for this tribunal for the disability benefits. I need to chase up one doc to see what’s going on, as I said I am at that hospital next week and can pick it all up.

My psych has been great, I saw him today to catch him up to speed with everything going on, so he’s going to write me an up to date letter for me to use at the tribunal, I just need to show him what I will be writing to them. So I am going to get diverse abilities to send me a copy of the appeal, so I can send to him because my case for the tribunal will still be along the same lines.

This fortnight after I pay out for everything I have Β£38… Yes I did treat myself to a Β£6 top and a haircut that cost Β£9 but I think I deserve a small treat after everything I’ve been through. But I can’t afford to get a taxi to my hospital app next week, so I’ve asked my brother to take me but I can’t afford to pay car parking because its expensive and I can’t expect my brother to either, so he’s just dropping me off. I have no money to socialise, which I know its not what it is for BUT because of my illnesses I get isolated very easily, so with no money to do anything, I will become isolated, bored and depressed.. This is no life at all, its just not fair! I just hate this so much, having to prove over and over that I am sick and “worthy” to be “awarded” these benefits. Its soul destroying to go over all my limitations and all the things that I struggle with or can’t do. I cannot WAIT for it all to be over, I will fight until I get my money, I need this money to live instead of just about surviving like I am right now.

Over the last few years I’ve watched helplessly as my health has gone down hill and I’ve not been able to do a thing about it. At the moment I am still having issues with my re-occurring sinus infections but next Fri I meet my new ENT doc. I am anxious about it but at the same time I can’t wait because it does need to be sorted out. Also this last week or so my right knee has been swollen after well doing anything and its has been really painful…But I can’t see my GP until next week. I had a letter to say he wants to see me, but the receptionists can’t possibly tell me why and they still cannot see me until Tues.. lol. I am over dealing with the gate keepers of the doctors, I just hope he doesn’t urgently need to see me for anything because well Tues will have to do.

So how do I feel right now? I really don’t know to be honest, overwhelmed is probably the right word to use right now. It’s all a bit too much and I have SO much to do and I am organising it all myself. I’m just grateful for the friends that I have around me right now and my brother, they are helping to keep me afloat.

I’m surprised that my dark passenger hasn’t made himself known, I think finally after 20 years I am totally in control of this dark addiction that I held so closely for most of my life. Finally there is a distance between us and he’s no longer walking anywhere near me. Throughout all of this stress I could have easily given my dark passenger permission to just take hold of me again but it hasn’t even crossed my mind, which is a huge step for me. I have cut once in about two and a half years and I am extremely proud of myself for that because before I stopped, cutting (my dark passenger) totally controlled my life, say if my current situation with benefits, health etc was to happen 4 years ago then I would probably be cut to shreds, I would probably be cutting every day because of the stress. Like I said I’ve not thought about and even now talking about it, isn’t a trigger at all, which again is a huge improvement for me. I’ve said before that I enjoyed cutting but now I understand myself a lot more and understand that I have sensory processing issues and that is why I enjoyed it. Now I am aware of that I have different things that I use when I need that sensory feeling or whatever, its difficult to explain.

I’m glad I’ve written about all this because it has shown me that despite all of the shit I am going through, I do have things that I can still be proud of πŸ™‚ and that is a good mood booster, least I am still moving forward and making progress.

That’s all for now,

Peace out



It’s been a good start to the week and I’m updating early because I’ve got my trans* group tonight.

Woke up at 7 am and even though I didn’t get till sleep till gone 1 am this morning, I felt pretty energised. So I had breakfast and chilled out for a bit. Got showered and dressed and by 8:50 am I was ready to take the pups out for a walk, we did our usual walk down to the Quay and along the water. My crazy boy scrappy even went swimming! lol but it was really nice and everyone was really friendly and said hello to me πŸ™‚

We got back and I sat down for a bit, I sorted the pups out in the hallway with some treats. And I headed out to see my psych.

My psych app was great πŸ™‚ he is so pleased that I’ve been doing so well on such a low dose of quetiapine, we just chatted about what I’m doing, how I’m doing etc and he’s so happy with me. So I’ve been discharged! I am beyond happy with this, this is SO what I wanted πŸ™‚ just such relief and happiness, I’m FREE! It’s a massive step for me, he did say if I need him I can just ring up and get an appointment. But I am hoping that I no longer need him. Man I can’t express how happy I am with this.

I pretty much skipped home because I was so happy lol! treated myself to burger king for lunch.

Got home to my happy puppies πŸ™‚ had snuggles and sat down to eat. I then got ON IT! And I wrote a letter from myself to my housing officer, I also spoke to my neighbour and I wrote a letter from him in his words so I could print it out for him to sign and I’ve also got a really good letter from my psych. I will NOT lose my babies.

This is the letter I wrote from me

Dear Hayley Davies,
I have received your letter regarding the 21 days notice to rehome my dogs.

I have had no missed calls or a voicemail left from yourself, as you said you had tried on several occasions to contact me.

I know the noise complaints have come from Paul Bishop in flat 19 and it is the first I have heard of any noise complaints. I have spoken to my next door neighbour in flat 18 and he has never had any issues with the dogs, he said they only bark when you walk past the door IF they are home alone. Paul Bishop for some reason doesn’t like me and will find any excuse to moan about me, he is much further away from my flat then my next door neighbour so how he can hear them is beyond me. They are both small dogs, one is 3kgs in weight and the other is 6kg in weight, both are fully grown and very rarely bark while at home.

The dogs are well looked after and cared for, they are rarely left on their own. If I do have to leave them it’s usually for my mental health group I attend once a week, my transgender group I attend every fortnight or for hospital appointments. They are walked regularly, they are never left unsupervised in communal areas and they never foul outside the property.
When the contractor and Building Surveyor came over I had been really ill for the past few days and I had forgotten they were coming over, so yes there was a bit of dog faeces out there but that isn’t a regular thing. It’s cleaned daily and every other day I clean it with hot water and bleach.

I have bipolar, ADHD, Granulomatosis Polyangiitis (was Wegeners Granulomatosis) and hyper mobility. I am also transgender. I’ve worked really hard to maintain good mental health and I feel that the past 2 years since having a dog and now 2 dogs my mental health has greatly improved because of them. They give me a reason to get up each day and go out, they help me with my social anxiety especially when taking the bus. I’ve met some really nice people and dogs and I enjoy being out now, rather then being stuck at home alone. My social circle isn’t very big and sometimes I can go for a month at a time without seeing a single person, but thanks to the dogs that has changed all that. Having to rehome my babies (my dogs) would be detrimental to my mental health, also my phsycial health too as I am trying to keep as mobile as I can for as long as I can because I know there will be a time where I will need more assitance in walking and getting out and about. Also having recently come out as transgender I feel much safer and more confident when I am out with the dogs and again having to rehome them would mean that I would become very isolated, which would have a negative impact on my mental health.

I hope you can sympathise with my situation and please consider giving me permisson to keep my dogs.

It’s pretty bang on I think! I am just hoping this will help my case to keep the pups. I also rang to confirm with them that they have the right contact numbers for me and they DO so its bullshit that she’s tried contacting me on several occasions.

So that is all ready to post, I’ve also filled out my form for the warm home benefit, so that is ready to go.

After this I am going to sort my meds out for the week, go post my letters and pick up my prescriptions, have dinner and go to my trans* group πŸ™‚

I am a very very happy boy, despite the whole dog thing..but I will win this. I am so proud of myself πŸ™‚

Peace out


Chilled boy

It’s the weekend…woohoo..or not lol. No it’s been a pretty good weekend actually and I’m feeling good. It has been a pretty chilled weekend, just what I needed, although tomorrow I got paper work and other bits to chase up.

Yesterday was pretty chilled, I didn’t get dressed till the afternoon and I spent all morning sleeping, it’s something I totally needed. L came round late afternoon with Arnie, so that was nice to just hang out us two. In the evening I took the pups out again for a walk, scrappy had a good swim and when we got back I gave him a shower and a good scrub because he stank of sea water lol.

Today I have done absolutely nothing! Well I did have a shower, got dressed and took pups for a wee across the road but other then that I’ve been sat on my butt on the sofa πŸ™‚ again I’ve just needed some rest as with all the walking and stuff I’ve been doing, I think I’ve over done it a bit, so some down time was needed.

Ooh I have finally got my appointment through for my new specialist in Poole hospital…BUT its not until August which means 6 months without seeing anyone and I’m usually seen every 2-3 months, so in the week I am going to see if it can be brought forward and I’ll explain about my worsening pain in my legs and lower back and hopefully they can because I don’t want to spend all summer in pain, I want to be able to enjoy whatever little sun we get this year.

I’ve also had a letter from my housing association saying that they have been advised that I have a dog living at my address… Um yeah lol, I have permission for Foxy girl but the housing association have merged and are now under a different name and in fact I still have the letter I wrote them expressing why a dog would be good for my mental health as that’s what they asked me to do and I got a letter saying yes I have permission. So I’m going to dig out that letter as proof. I don’t have permission for Scrappy but he was sort of an impulse buy lol but I definitely wouldn’t be without either of them now. So I am going to contact my GP and my psych if they would do me a letter to prove that keeping them is helping with my mental health and that re-homing them would be detrimental to my mental health, I mean that’s just the truth. I love my babies and would be totally lost without them, I’m classed as a vulnerable adult so really they haven’t got a leg to stand on. So yeah this boy will not go down without a good fight! Especially when my babies are involved.

Lots of boring grown up stuff to sort out… *yawn* But it’s gotta be done sadly. Just looked at my calender and this week isn’t that busy but the week after is. Life right now is good and I am feeling pretty good, I am SO proud of myself. I was so nervous about being off/on a lower dose of quetiapine, I thought it would be so hard, it has at the start but now its all good. I didn’t think this day would come, I’m only on a lowered dose because of not being able to sleep without it, but again I now don’t think it’s bipolar, I am 90% sure its ADHD…but where to go with that now is the tricky part as in the UK some Dr’s don’t believe that it is an adult illness. But I believe that having the right diagnosis is so important for getting the proper treatment, like right now I don’t feel like I need to be with the mental health team any more. I’m 22 months self harm free, I’ve had no real manic or depressive episode, its not been perfect but it’s been much much better the last few years then it’s ever has been and even better since I’ve come out as trans* I’m going to discuss this all at my next appointment with my p-doc, which is in a few weeks I think.

That’s all from me today πŸ™‚

Peace out


Busy busy boy!

I’ve been a busy boy today. Got lots done and I’m still busyΒ beavering away. I need to stop really but, I’m really into it lol.

I slept well last night and was wide awake when I woke up πŸ™‚

Went to see my psych this morning, had a pretty good appointment. He’s given me 25mgs of quetiapine to take as and when to help me sleep when I am completely off the 50mgs. He’s just generally happy for me and with how things are going. While I was up there I changed my title πŸ™‚ so well happy with that.

On my way home I went to the bank to change my title there and that went really well πŸ™‚ the lady I spoke to was really nice and I didn’t need any proof as your title is social rather then legal. I only did it through deed poll because I had to drop my middle name.

I got in to my happy puppies πŸ™‚ and I took them across the road for a run about. Dropped then back and nipped to asda for a few bits and ended up treating myself to a dvd! :p

When I got in I spent the afternoon looking up numbers and sorting things out with my name of title. I managed 9 places and everyone was actually really nice and really helpful. I was actually shocked but it was nice πŸ™‚ all of them were woman…maybe it would be different it I spoke to guys I don’t know. But yeah very positive!

While I was doing that I finally booked miss Foxy in to be spayed, so next week she has an app for a check up and then after that I can book her in to be spayed. It really needs to be sorted! So glad its going to be done.

I then spent AGES sorting out getting my scanner to work, so I could do some copies of my deed poll as I need to send some off a few places. I then came up with the bright idea of taking my book of mandala’s apart to scan into the laptop and print off. So that’s what I’ve been doing πŸ™‚ its now 8:30 pm and I’ve not stopped all day! I am writing this in between scanning and printing πŸ™‚

I have my little Leo in the morning, I need to go down to the council to do a few things as well. My head is racing with things I have to do! and want it all done now lol.

So yeah busy busy boy. But I am feeling so great, just so happy πŸ™‚

Peace out


Peace :)

I’m feeling really good, really calm and settled and well just good. It’s a weird feeling and I don’t think I’ve ever had this feeling for any amount of time, so it’s new territory but something I am going to hold on to and just be comfortable with. Also want to share my happiness too by doing good deeds to other which I have been. Like the other day I gave up my seat to an old guy while we were waiting for a bus, I’ve just been doing small things, even just smiling at someone in the street can make someone’s day. I’m all about peace, love and happiness at the moment, being kind doesn’t cost a thing! Anyway just wanted to start with that and to say share the love even if its a small gesture it can really make someone else happy and that will in turn make you feel good too.

I slept well last night, took a while too get off to sleep. Even though I lost an hour because of the clocks going forward I woke up at 8:30 am.

Woke up feeling so achy and the weather outside was MISERABLE! Welcome to the first day of spring…typical lol! I had some hot cross buns and pancakes with maple syrup for breakfast πŸ™‚ it was so yum.

I snuggled up in the sofa with my blanket and my babies and watched tv, had a cheeky nap for an hour too πŸ™‚

I had my lil Leo for a few hours which was nice. He was hard work though really grizzly because he’s teething. But was nice to have him.

Afterwards I got myself showered and dressed, actually put proper clothes on today, jeans and a t-shirt. Waited for the mothership to pick me up. We went into town as she wanted to get a few bits because she’s moving in with her new bf tomorrow. I said to her that I’ve changed my title to Mr….I didn’t get a response…. And the whole time she kept calling me my birth name…I kept correcting her! but fell of deaf ears. But ya know what I know who I am and I’m so happy now and if she can’t see that then whatever this is on her. Not my issue.

She dropped me home and I got in and my puppies where all happy to see me πŸ™‚ I took the across the road for a run and play about for a bit.

Put on a film, Girl Interrupted! Top film! Put my dinner on, did the washing up. I had sausage and mash, only ate the mash though. Didn’t really feel hungry :/ but I needed to eat. I just have no appetite at the moment, not for a meal anyway. I’ve just been picking through out the day.

Just been watching films this evening and chatting to friends on fb. Over all its been a good day πŸ™‚ and I’m feeling good.

I have my psych tomorrow morning, so I am going to make the effort to get an early night. Going to ask that once I am off the quetiapine completely which will be in 25 days that he see me once a month for a few months to make sure I am doing ok, also going to talk about transitioning too, he should have got the letter from my gp about me asking for the referral to the gender clinic. Hopefully that will go well, my appointments always makes me a bit anxious.

That’s it for now.

Peace out



Up dating early as I have my trans group tonight and may not feel like coming on the laptop later.

I was in bed really early last night because I was SO tired! I got to bed at 10:15 pm, put a film on and played on my tab for a bit. But I think I was asleep by half 10 pm.

My alarm went off at 8 am this morning…GAH! I sat on the sofa for a bit with the pups, had some cereal. I really didn’t want to go to my psych app this morning, I don’t really have anything to say to him and I am doing ok, so I rang up and rearranged my appointment. Just said I felt ill…well I was sort off I was SO tired I needed to snooze some more.

I slept until midday πŸ™‚ Ah I felt SO much better. I got myself up showered and dressed. I took the pups across the road for half an hour for a little run.

Came back and chilled out on the sofa with a can of Pepsi, my two new Lego sets and some crappy afternoon tv πŸ™‚ Perfect. I managed to put both sets together in an hour and 20 mins! Yeah boy!

And now I am on here. I need to take the pups out for a wee again, do myself dinner and then get ready to go to my group.

I’m feeling good today πŸ™‚ just good. Which is a nice feeling.

Feeling less tired now..

That’s it really just a good day, feeling good and self care.

Peace out


Zero energy as usual

Oh man I feel totally wiped out. It’s 7:30 pm and all I want to do is go to bed lol. But its too early just yet.

Also I’m hungry, but don’t really fancy anything…Just been picking.

So I saw my WG specialist Fri.Β Not the best app. My liver enzymes keep going up, so he wants me to go back to monthly blood tests. Told him that in my right nostril I can put my finger right up it. He said I shouldn’t be able to do that. He’s still building my case for the infusions. But he is going to change me from tablets methotrexate to injections. So will be given an app to see a nurse who will teach me how to do it.

I came home and played Skyrim…I thought I would be tired, but I wasn’t. Had dinner, then went to group, which was cool.

Went to the shop after group. I was texting my friend and I was hyper and she was bored, so invited her over to stay the night. I got in a did a little tidy up of the place. We chilled out for a bit and caught up, we we’d not seen each other for a while. Played C.O.D 2 for a bit.

Saturday morning, I rang to change my CT scan app as I was just feeling rough and its a long trip to get to the hospital and back. I put a chicken casserole in the slow cooker. We pretty much just chilled out, watched films etc. Was really nice. I was in bed before 11 pm last night I was SO tired.

Today I’ve just been doing nothing…..I feel so tired, I just have zero energy. I did pop to the shop and get a few bits and went and got myself some Skylanders as I had some more money left on my card πŸ™‚ Didn’t get round to playing though.

I had some chicken casserole for dinner, but didn’t really fancy it. I’m still hungry, but don’t really want anything….Urgh, hate when my appetite is like this.

Got my p-doc app tomorrow…so nervous. I hope he got my email. So I won’t have to start the awkward conversation :/ Anyway, I’m trying not to over think it.

Nearly 8 pm…Too early for bed…Maybe. I might have some toast.

Peace out


Feeling fine :)

Ah feeling fine πŸ™‚

Slept well last night. I actually got the bed early. I took the pups out, took a nice shower and had a hot chocolate in bed.

I was up early, chilled, showered, dressed, ate and took the pups out πŸ™‚

Headed out and I met my friend S before group which was really nice, we had a drink, looked in a few shops and had KFC for lunch, then it was time for group.

Group was good. I was really glad to be back there πŸ™‚

Got back into town after group and decided to treat myself. I had about Β£100 saved up on a game card, so I went and spent half of it. I bought Call of Duty Black Ops 2 and a headset, so L and I can play online and talk to each other. I also got Skyrim Elder Scrolls v because apparently its a really good game and there is no wrong or right way to play it.

I got home to two very hyper happy puppies πŸ™‚ and no pee or poop and no destruction! Woohoo! πŸ˜€ Man its cold in here though. So I put the heating on and put my dinner in the microwave to heat up and yeah that beef casserole was definitely what you need on a cold, windy day.

Sent my email to my p-doc a head of my app Mon. About why I want a med change and about all the gender jazz.

Got my WP specialist tomorrow, so got to get a fairly early night. Think I might have a look at Skyrim tonight or play about with my headset too πŸ™‚

Feeling pretty good, just bloody cold!

Might have a hot chocolate

Peace out


Positive steps

Urgh,  feeling all sweaty and greasy for some reason.  Can’t wait to come off quetiapine. I’m sure because of my weight I feel like this. I might have a shower soon, feeling gross.

Slept well last night and was up just before 10 am. Weather today is insane,  had a few bursts of intense down pour of rain. Got caught in it once,  we had a bit of thunder and lightning too which was cool.

I cleaned up the flat after breakfast,  made me feel better for it. Got a shower and got dressed.  Sat about for a bit, waited for the rain to clear before I nipped out with the puppies. We got caught in it though,  pups were soaked,  I wasn’t too wet thankfully.

I made a complaint today about a neighbour. She’s got 2 big dogs that she keeps letting shit outside the block of flats,  but she doesn’t clear it up. Sick of her. She’s so irresponsible.

Also rang up to make a closer p-doc app. Got one for the 27th of Oct. Gives me time to either email him about the gender stuff, or I’ll write it out and give it to him. But definitely want off quetiapine now.

Spent the afternoon with my best friend H πŸ™‚ was good to see her. Love spending time with her because I can just be my true self and we always have a good laugh.  We watched a film and some tv. So that was cool.

We both went to asda for a few bits and went our separate ways.  I’ve spent this evening just chilling as usual,  watching tv.

L is going to take on batcat, so that will be nice for them and him. Taking him over Sunday. She needs to get him a few bits first, but I got a fair few bits to take with him.

Nothing planned for tomorrow. The weather looks like it’s meant to be better,  so hopefully be able to take pups for a long walk.

Mentally feeling pretty good. Been thinking about what am I going to do about hair…as in letting hair in certain places grow.  I’ve decided I’m going to let my leg hair grow, see how I like it. But not sure about arm pit hair,  because even on men I don’t really like it. One step at a time I think. 

Physically feeling ok,  usual aches and pains. My heads been hurting again lately, been dizzy too. Will go see my gp if it carries on.

Peace out