A day in the life of a trans guy – Selfies

This isn’t something I’ve spoken about much, mainly because it’s something that’s happened gradually over my transition.

Looking through Facebook memories and the last year I’ve taken a less selfies, compared to previous years where I’ve posted multiple selfies a day.

I think a lot of it is that now I’m nearly 2 years on testosterone, I’m more self conscious, so don’t want to see pictures of myself.

Maybe after top surgery I’ll feel more myself and much more confident in myself.

I’ve become really closed off and extremely anxious about like everything. I shut people out, cut people off, really easily. Which is not me at all, I’m slowly starting to open myself up again and pushing through the fear, anxiety and negativity.

Again I think top surgery will help with a lot of it. I know it won’t be the absolute solution and I still have a lot of work still to do on myself. But I think it will be a big relief.

I took a couple of pictures today with my dogs which was cool, I felt ok about it.

^ me and Foxy girl

^ me and Scrappy doodles

I’ve also been shaving my face once a week to get the hair growth to come through. Because I gets spots around my chin and upper lip I don’t want to shave more often than that as it makes them sore, so once a week is enough for now. That’s another thing that makes me anxious/gender dysphoric is that my legs are super hairy but my face isn’t yet. I know in time it will get more fluffy but it does get a bit frustrating.

Anyway that’s all for now

Peace out

Zak

Time for some self care

Recently I’ve been busy doing things and making sure everyone is doing ok, but I’ve neglected myself a bit. I haven’t really done things to make myself happy, I haven’t spent much time alone, doing my own things. Don’t get me wrong I love looking after my friends but if I’m not feeling 100% then how can I help anyone else.

On Friday when I got back from my volunteer work, I chilled out with my beautiful fur babies and I spent an hour or so across the road playing with the pups and some of their doggy friends which was nice. I spent some time gaming too, I’d not gamed properly for a while so it was cool to get lost in the worlds of Lego Dimensions. I can’t remember what else I did but I didn’t get to bed until nearly 2am.

Yesterday I pretty much just slept all day and man it was so good! I so needed it. I felt so calm and relaxed, just totally chilled out. I had my nephew for an hour or so, we took the pups for a run around and we had fun messing around. I spent all evening just relaxing too and like I said I just so needed it. I’ve not felt this relaxed in a while, bliss.

Today I woke up about 9 am and it took a few hours to get myself together lol, I did the housework, changed the bedsheets, I’ve still got a few loads of washing to do. It’s been too hot to walk the dogs, so we’ve just been relaxing, having cuddles and playing around. Today has been pretty productive but still really relaxing and I do feel so much better for taking a few days just to do nothing and look after myself.

I love being around people and doing things, making memories and helping anyone who needs my help but I do tend to forget to look after myself. I think its good to have some down time, whether it be a morning, a day or a few days. Time to look after yourself and your needs is so important because you cannot rely on another person to fulfil all your needs.

My favourite things to do to look after myself are, sleep or rest, spend time with my fur babies, spending time by the sea with my pups, watching films, putting lego sets together, eating my favourite food and drink, reading, mindfulness. That’s just a few of them

Self care is super important and its not at all selfish, sometimes its ok to say no and go off grid for a bit, sometimes its necessary to do that.

Anyway that’s enough of me rambling on about self care, I don’t have much planned for tomorrow. Its a bank holiday weekend here and in the UK so I’m sure they’ll be stuff happening somewhere. Its meant to be really hot again so I probably won’t walk the dogs until the evening when its cooled down.

Peace out

Batman

Waiting is the worst part

It’s only been 5 days since I last posted but it feels much longer as I’ve been quite busy, mainly getting my PIP stuff sorted but I’ve also been doing nice things too, to break up the monotony of the PIP stuff.

I’ll follow on from my last post,

Mr Scrappy doodles continues to be in good health and he turns 2 next week, which has gone so fast. Foxy, Marley and Harley are also doing great and Harley has a birthday next week as well and she will be 1 years old. Its gone insanely fast.

Medical stuff – My whole knee is swollen, so is my ankle and my hip feels like its swollen too, so yeah my whole leg. The naproxen didn’t help at all, it just caused me a huge bruise on the back of my thigh. So I booked another appointment to see my GP and its this Friday…really early in the morning :/ But whatever my leg is really hurting and nothing is helping.

I have my CT scan next week which is cool but my follow up app with my ENT isn’t until July.. So I may try and see if I can bring it forward.

Disability Benefits stuff – With the help of a good friend to get stuff all printed out and another person who checked over my appeal. It all finally came together, yesterday I checked it over like 3 times to make sure everything wasn’t missing and it was all in order. I posted it special delivery which cost £7.10 but it ensured its safety to get there and they cannot say they didn’t receive it in time.

I’m glad its all done but now I’ve got to wait, which is almost as stressful. I so hope they re-think the tribunal, I can’t go through that, I just don’t have the energy for it. This process alone has taken everything from me, I have nothing left.

I’m feeling a bit lost at the moment because the process of writing my appeal has brought up so many feelings, the main feeling being anger and the fact that I’ve not dealt with the PTSD caused by my physical health illness and I don’t know where to start. It’s all been very traumatic and something no one should have to go through.

How do I feel right now? I don’t know, I think I feel sad, I suppose you could say depressed. I just don’t feel connected with myself, I’m not grounded, I’m just exhausted in every sense of the word. Tonight I will meditate, I will try and relax a bit more.

I’ll end this now as my brain has switched itself off.

Peace out

Batman

I am still a work in process – update on life.

WOW so it has been a long old few weeks since I last posted and a lot has happened.

First of all I would like to say that I cannot believe I have kept my shit together, despite all the trials and tribulations I have been through recently. If this was to happen to me say 4-5 years ago then I would have lost my shit ages ago and I would have self harmed A LOT! But I have kept as calm as I could and I’ve not self harmed at all, which proves to me that I’ve grown and that I do not fit the BPD diagnosis any longer.

Um so where to start….

So Scrappy had another trip to the vets last week as he was still poorly but not as bad as his first trip to the vets, so he was given something to balance all the good bacteria in his stomach and it worked really well and he was back to his usual self in no time at all. The vet suggested he be muzzled when he’s out to prevent him from eating shit he’s not meant too. My friend took us to get him a muzzle and it will be ok for now but he can get it off but hopefully he’ll get used to it. All my other fur babies are absolutely fine 🙂

Medical stuff – I saw my new ENT doc and he was ok, he has ordered me a CT scan of my sinuses to see where we go from there and antibiotics until we know what the next step is. He also did me a letter for my PIP.

I also saw my GP and he is doing my referral to Dr Edwards in Southampton hospital! woohoo! FINALLY! He also gave me some naproxen for me knees as they keep swelling up and are really painful.

Disability benefits stuff – So I have been working really hard on writing my appeal as the Personal Independent Payment people have refused my mandatory reconsideration, I feel I was penalised because it was in late, which was not in my control as I had a charity helping me and it was their responsibility, I have since had an apology from the charity but I am still planning on making a official complaint about it. But anyway the appeal has been written and amended by someone who knows what the requirements are etc and its absolutely spot on. It’s all slowly coming together and I will be able to post it on Monday.

Sorting this out has had a huge impact on my physical and mental health and my ability to do anything. I’ve missed a lot of my groups and counselling, I’ve been quite isolated and lonely. I’ve struggled just to do day to day tasks because I have been so tired, in so much pain and feeling far too overwhelmed, even taking a shower feels too much. It has certainly taken a massive toll on me and this whole process has been a huge trigger for the deep routed anger that is inside me.

This whole process has brought up a lot of stuff and has bought up a load of thoughts about all the times I’ve been let down by nearly everyone in my life, at every crucial moment in my life. My core memories aren’t all happy, great memories, they are mostly negative with a bit of trauma thrown in. I am feeling a lot of anger and I don’t know how to get rid of it in a normal healthy way, I know I am on the right path because I know I need to do something about this anger in a healthy way and my behaviour hasn’t been destructive at all, which is a vast improvement since I completed DBT. I just need to work out how to process it, where to start, what do I do?! I will meditate on it, look up ways to process deep routed anger and see where we go from here. I think though I need to stop fighting and rest, my fight, flight or freeze is stuck in fight mode just to get me through all this but, I need to stop for a bit, stop fighting and just be, that will be easier said then done, as I have spent a lot of time in fight mode recently just to get through each day!

How do I feel right now? I feel emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I need to rest and I will, I need to tend to all my needs and listen to my inner child and what he needs, this reminds me I want to learn more about this and re-parenting my inner child etc.

Just writing this has helped a bit but now I need to eat something and sleep 🙂

But just before I go, here are a few pictures of me and my babies ❤

^^ Marley Moo

^^ Harley playing with her new toys that my lovely friend made 🙂

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

^^ My photography

^^ Scrappy doodles love swimming in the sea 🙂

^^ Me, I actually quite like this picture of me.

Peace out

Batman

Feeling more myself and ready to fight!

It’s been another week since I last updated but I am feeling more myself now, so that’s a good improvement from my last post. I can’t even describe how I felt then, I just felt weird and not myself at all. I feel more grounded and settled now as well which has helped me feel more myself again.

I did some guided meditation to help ground me again and I listened to beach noises at night to help me get a more restful nights sleep. Its crazy how it helps so much, just sitting and being in the moment has helped me more then any medication has.

I’m really tired, so I’m struggling to be think of what to write. I hate brain fog so much, it’s so frustrating.

So I’ve had a really good busy week, spent most of it with L and the boys which is always good fun but absolutely exhausting.

Got my sinus infection back again after my two week course of doxycycline. Just over a week until my appointment with my ENT it still feels so far away though. My nose and my head really hurts all time 😦

My man boobs are still swollen and sore which is making the gender dysphoria much worse to deal with because I really don’t feel manly at all. I’ve not been able to bind at all because my chest is just too sore, which is frustrating.

I’m feeling the effects more and more of not being on methotrexate, I’m much more exhausted then usual, after a afternoon out yesterday all I’ve done today is sleep. Also yesterday my knee was swollen, it was so sore and felt really uncomfortable. Its been hurting for a while but I’ve just ignored it, I think it might be time to get it looked at now.

Had some more shit fucking news regarding my disability benefits, they’ve refused my appeal! So this means I now have to take them to a tribunal ffs! I just don’t have the energy for this shit, I really don’t. But I’ve got to keep fighting this because I deserve these benefits because I am ill and unable to work. Its an absolute joke it really is, having to jump through all these hoops just to receive money to survive. This is governing my entire life right now, its all I think about, worry about, talk about. But its important because its effecting me so much, I am a strong boy I can deal with this, like I deal with everything else.

Mr Scrappy has been poorly today, he’s been throwing up this afternoon but he’s been stopped now for an hour or so. Hopefully its just a bug he’s picked up and he’ll feel better in the morning. He’s been like this a few times before, so I’m not overly worried about him, he’s probably just picked up a bug.

Ok lets lighten this shit up a bit lol, um so had a text the other day to say I can upgrade my phone 3 months early, OH HELL YEAH! I was bang straight on it and got myself a iPhone 6, I am loving it, I can’t stop playing around with it and the case feels really nice, I can’t stop touching it lol.

I’ve got a good week ahead of me, so I wont be at a loss of what to do. I am having my eldest nephew tomorrow for a bit which I’m really looking forward too, as I don’t get to spend a lot of time just me and him.

So yeah that’s me, life is mega frustrating right now but when isn’t my life complicated huh…. never lol.

I think if I hadn’t got the early upgrade on my phone then the denial of my appeal for disability benefits would have pushed me over the edge, I somehow feel refreshed and energised because I’ve been bursting for an upgrade and it made me feel so happy. Its hard to put into words that make any sense but I feel ready to fight again, I know I can win this and I am totally up for the fight. I’m definitely feeling more myself 🙂

^^ Scrappy and Foxy enjoying the beach

^^ Found this cool sand art 🙂

^^ My beautiful Marley moo

^^ Scrappy enjoying the sun by the river

^^ Foxy girl enjoying the sun 🙂

Well that’s all for now, I’ll try update sometime this week.

Peace out

Batman

Meh…

So it has been over a week since I last posted and that’s mainly because I’ve been ill with a sinus infection but my mood has also been pretty low too.

I don’t really know where to start, its been such a long week or so and so much has happened.

Fri 26th Feb – Harley got spayed and chipped, everything went really well and she’s healing nicely 🙂 so proud of my gorgeous girlie.

27th Feb – L, the boys and the pups came over. We went for a walk and then came back to mine and chilled out. Had my nephew Leo for a few hours in the evening.

28th Feb –  Had F and Benny over for the afternoon and I cooked us a meal from scratch which was hard work but really nice.

29th Feb – Feeling so ill.. Harley had a check up at the vets and is healing fine.

1st March – Feeling so ill…Mother came over but luckily my bro came over too with Leo, which made her visit a lot easier to deal with as I just played with Leo. She gave me my birthday present..she gave me some money and a top..from the fucking woman’s section! She’s such a fucking dick! She did the washing up though. That’s the last time I reply to her though, I don’t  want her anywhere near me any more. I did have a good evening though as E came over and we had pizza and she bought me a birthday cake and presents 🙂 so at least I had a good evening.

2nd – My 31st Birthday! Feeling so ill and full of snot! But I had a good day L came over with boo and the pups which was cool and she spoilt me loads 🙂 We just chilled out watching Disney films as I was feeling too ill and tired to do anything else. I had another friend H.A pop over late afternoon which was nice. Didn’t do anything special in the evening, just the usual.

3rd – Feeling so ill, felt far too ill to go to group. So I stayed at home all day, I did manage to take the pups to baiter, not really because I wanted to but cuz the pups needed to go out for a good run. Played some of my new Lego Movie game which was cool.

4th – Still poorly but I ordered antibiotics Tuesday and picked them up, pretty much instantly felt better after taking them. Just rested all day again.

5th – Went over to L’s in the afternoon, I gave her her mother days present from the boys 🙂 just chilled out all day which was nice.

6th – Tried to distract myself all day, fucking stupid mothers day! Played on my ps3, played with Lego..just doing stuff…felt so bored and restless 😦

7th – Exhausted, took ages to do anything but I did mange to do laundry and the housework. Had my nephew in the evening for a few hours which was nice.

8th- Had to sort out the fucking bank AGAIN! Didn’t do much in the day. Had my trans group therapy session which was a good session.

9th – I’ve done fuck all! Well I got showered and dressed and cooked dinner. F and Benny came over for a bit which was nice and she gave me my birthday present 🙂 a top that says master builder which is so cool!

So yeah a brief overview of my life, not very exciting.

Having the sinus infection effected my mood and my appetite. My mood is still low and I’ve only just got my eating/appetite back on track. I can eat again without gagging! Urgh I hate this bullshit going around and around in circles!

Fed up of it all…Meh.

Batman

Over did it – catch up

I’ve not posted for a week and that’s because I’ve been so busy, I haven’t really stopped until today. Its been great and I’ve been having a good time but I’ve totally over done it and I feel so awful today, so exhausted.

I’ll do a quick catch up of what I’ve been up too this week.

Wednesday – I don’t really remember much from this day as its so long as. But I remember I had to stay in for someone to come and lower my shower pole, so I can now reach it when sat on my shower stool. I rang up the RSPCA to get a voucher to get Harley Spayed and microchipped. I think I just relaxed and pottered about the flat, doing the housework and laundry.

Thursday – This day was SO long! I saw my bone doc in the morning and WOW that was a real shit appointment and I really despise her!

This was my FB status about it..

I really dislike my bone doc. She doesn’t listen and she doesn’t care! I asked for my whole condition/symptoms to be reviewed and she kept asking me what I meant… If I want my hyper mobility looked into I have to ask my gp to refer me to some genetic place in Southampton… She wasn’t really clear about this.

She’s still banging on about coming off steroids… So in a few weeks after my blood results today I get to start azathioprine and it that goes well then she wants to start lowering steroids again…

My bloods are all negative and have been for ages but it doesn’t explain my constant sinus infection, the chronic pain and fatigue…
And she just put the burst blood vessel in my finger down to steroids and again she didn’t even take a close look, she just glanced at it.
I really dislike her.

But I didn’t write that she wanted to examine me, which is fine and I am totally used to that. So I took off my jumper and jeans but she asked me to take my off so she could listen to my chest…I refused too as she can listen to my chest without me being completely undressed. She did listen to my chest with my top still on but that’s not the point, she was totally out of order. She’s knows I’m trans and she obviously has no understanding and no desire to understand. Needless to say my gender dysphoria was horrific afterwards.

After that I headed straight to group, which was cool as usual 🙂

http://www.dorsetmind.org.uk/

I went and had fuzzy hair cut an styled, so I look much better now 🙂 I always feel so good after a haircut.

Met L and Boo Boo in town for a bit and then took Boo Boo home with me. Got home, sorted out Boo’s stuff, played with him for a bit, cooked us dinner, took pups for a wee, played a bit more and then put Boo to bed. I just spent the evening relaxing and watching tv.

Friday – Albert had me up early, so we went into the lounge and I put frozen on for him and I napped on the sofa for a bit, I wasn’t ready to be up at 7 am! But after that I was totally ready and we both had breakfast, Frozen was put on for a 2nd time and then we both had a shower an got dressed.

Took the pups for a quick wee and run around, which Boo Boo had fun playing with the pups. Dropped the pups home and Boo’s pushchair and walked over to the park, where we played for about an hour. I had to then bribe him into walking to a shop I needed to go to, I said I’d buy him chocolate if he left the park.

We just chilled out in the afternoon, doing lots of colouring and watching Disney films, he really got into Tangled which is one of my favourite films. I love Disney so I didn’t mind spending all afternoon watching them with Boo.

Boo and I had dinner and it was actually nice to have dinner with someone, rather then cooking for just myself. I did have to encourage him to eat it though, as he’s two and a half now and definitely asserting his right to say no, I don’t like it! Plus his taste buds are changing too, he’s gone from eating anything to very little, although he will eat chocolate all day every day lol.

We chilled out after dinner, playing with his dinosaurs and cars. He then asked me to read his book so he could go to bed, it was so sweet. Again in the evening I just spent clearing up and then relaxing.

Saturday – Boo had me up at 7:30 am..wanting to watch Frozen again! While he was doing that I had a little sleep on the sofa, as I do not do early mornings.

Again he wanted a shower with me and when we got dressed we both had Batman t-shirts on 🙂 Took the pups for a wee and a run across the road, so Boo had fun playing with them. He’s so good with the dogs, its so cute.

Boo and I had some lunch, I got his stuff together and cleaned up a bit. Then got the bus and dropped him off with his dad’s family, as L was still really ill and needed a little more time to recover.

I went over to see L and Harvey and as soon as I walked in Harvey was showing me his minecraft and what he’s been building, which is pretty cool actually. I took Arnie around the block for a quick walk and wee.

Headed home and while I was sat on the bus I had a migraine start…and I didn’t have any sumatriptan left!! While I was walking home, through town I nipped into the chemist and bought some sumatriptan, got in and stripped off, got into my pjs, took my Tramadol and got into bed. I hate migraines so much, all I can do is sleep when I get one.

I slept for an hour, I then had dinner, got a shower, got dressed into my new fancy shirt and jeans, took the pups for a quick wee and then E picked me up for J’s birthday party.

It was such a good night, I talked to loads of new people. I even got into a club without being asked for I.D which is great as I don’t have I.D lol!

Sunday – I got up quite early considering I got to sleep quite late. Did my usual morning stuff, got me and the pups ready and got the bus over to L’s.

We spent all day there which was cool, I went out and got some food shopping, I took the pups around the block for a wee. Then chilled out for a bit as I was so achy, probably because I was really tired. Then Harvey and I took the pups down to the park for an hour, he rode his bike as he wanted to show me how well he can do it now. So that was cool just spending some time with me and him, gave L a chance to have a lil snooze. When dinner was ready I sorted it all out. Afterwards I fixed the nob on her slow cooker as she’d managed to melt it…yeah don’t ask lol!

I think I left about half 8 pm, got home and jumped in the shower, got into bed and was sound asleep by 10:40pm.

Monday – I woke up quite early, ate a packet of jaffa cakes and got back into bed until lunch time…I totally needed it. Did the housework and laundry, took the pups for a wee. Sorted out my meds for the week, sorted out my list of what’s going on for the week. Then in the evening I went to the Breakfree trans group social. Which as always was a good laugh, even if it was just the 3 of us lol.

Today – I woke up this morning and I didn’t feel good, I hurt all over, I felt weak and tired, my nose was all blocked. So I just had some breakfast and went back to bed until lunchtime.

Dragged myself into the shower, then got dressed and took the pups for a wee but it started raining, so we came back and I got into my joggy bottoms, as I was still so achy and feeling delicate. Spent the afternoon catching up with X-files and Gotham, while I went through the box of Lego Harvey gave me. Most of it was just random bits and fake Lego, so chucked that out and I was left with a handful of real Lego bits. I then decided to sort through my Lego into bags of their colours.

I did go out for a bit to get electric and to pay my rent, I needed to stretch my legs a bit. Also went to Asda chemist to re-order more meds.

Just been relaxing this evening, had dinner, ordered my food shopping and caught up with emails and stuff.

How do I feel right now? I’m exhausted, I’m achy and I do feel frustrated with all my health crap because it gets my down so much. I feel ok-ish just a bit low but nothing I can’t handle.

Tomorrow I am meeting my Nan and Grandad for the first time since I wrote “that” letter. I’m a bit nervous about it especially as I’m physically not feeling great and not on top form. I’m sure it will be ok…

The mothership text me the other day and asked if she was seeing my for my birthday (which is next week) and I just said I don’t know and she said ok. To be honest no I don’t want to see her but she’s not getting the hint. Whatever though.. she’s a stress I don’t need in my life right now. She’s a negative influence in my life, that sounds awful as she gave birth to me, but regarding me emotionally she hasn’t put an ounce of anything into me. Yes I was always, fed, clothed and had a roof over my head but my emotional needs were never met. Anyway its just a complicated situation and I don’t want her in my life.

Little Harley is booked in this Friday to get spayed and chipped 😦 got to starve her from 8 pm Thursday night. Going to miss her, she’s not been away from me since I’ve had her.

Overall I have been doing ok considering everything I deal with on a daily basis, it is a struggle and it is hard. But I keep pushing through cuz daddy didn’t raise no quitter!

As usual I do have loads of pictures but I shall do that in a separate post.

Peace out

Batman

Chronic pain and fatigue

Days like today just reinforces my limitations of daily life. Yesterday was great fun but today I could barely drag my body around. All my anger towards this illness surfaces on days like today and I’ve got to try and “deal/process” it which is incredibly hard, especially as I’ve had zero emotional support surrounding my physical health issues.

Before I carry on I’ll have a quick update about the last few days.

Sunday – Didn’t really do anything just slept a lot, I was hurting from head to toe. I did go to my brothers for a few hours for dinner, which was nice. When I got home I spent a little time on the laptop but then spent the rest of the evening playing Lego Jurassic world.

Monday – I struggled to get going in the morning, I managed to drag myself around to do the housework and have a shower. Just in time for my friend to drop her boy over, for some boy time. We took the pups out for a quick wee, went and got some biscuits and then spent the rest of the time watching cartoons 🙂 which is a morning well spent in my mind.

In the afternoon I met L and the boys, went for a short walk. It was too cold to go far. They spent the rest of the day at mine, we played with the pups, watched Frozen and did some colouring. It was so much fun, I love playing with the pups an Albert. Harvey is much harder to engage with, as all he wants to do is either play on my ps3 or play fight, which he’s starting to get far to big for now. He’s nearly 9 and getting taller and stronger, he has no interest in colouring in, or anything where you have to sit and use your imagination. I really want to find something I can get him to engage with, as otherwise I feel like he’s a bit left out. He just ends up playing by himself in his own world, but it’s such repetitive play, just the same thing over and over every single time he comes round and even when he’s at home. Its just finding something that’s not play fighting or gaming related to get him to do something else. Its really difficult because when I ask him what he wants to do, he doesn’t really know. He does have potential to do whatever he wants its just unlocking it and finding him a hobby or a different form of play. Autism is complicated, but I will not be beaten and I will get inside his lil brain to unlock him. It fascinates me so much and I really want to help get him involved when we are all playing, I want to get him included but its hard when he won’t join in.

Anyway they left about nearly an hour before I was leaving to go to my trans group social. Which was good as usual 🙂

So back to today, I woke up at 8 am had a pee and went back to sleep until half 10. I still felt really tired and so achy, as I’d ran out of Tramadol and needed to pick my prescription up from the chemist.

I barely managed to get a shower and get dressed. I dragged myself across the road to let the pups run around, I just sat on the bench watching them. I just couldn’t walk around, my whole body felt heavy and slow.

Dropped the pups home and dragged my ass down to the shop to pick up my Tramadol and got a few other bits I needed. While I was in there, I suddenly felt this weird feeling in one of my fingers, if felt like it was about to explode…it was just a burst blood vessel. So I now have a very swollen and bruised finger..urgh.

I just spent all afternoon relaxing, I did try and sleep but I just couldn’t! Which was fucking annoying, I was tired enough for a sleep but I was just in too much pain. I couldn’t get comfortable, I couldn’t relax enough 😦 stupid painsomina.

Just been binge watching things I’ve recorded on sky, whilst playing fetch with Scrappy and the laser pen with both of them, also been playing with the cats. I just sit on the floor and they all surround me 🙂 I love it. They make days like today a bit easier to deal with…well along with some cookies!

I don’t have much planned for tomorrow either, I have to wait in for someone to come and lower my shower pole for me. Its too high for me to reach when I’m sat on the stool and I can’t raise my arms above my head for too long.

I still feel extremely exhausted so another day of rest is probably a good plan. I don’t get too bored staying in these days, mainly because of the dogs but I’ve really got into gaming and all my Lego I have now. I have more hobbies and things I like to to, whereas in the past I hated being bored because I never knew what to do, I didn’t have much to do. I’m able to focus myself more now into a specific task. I hate being bored, it really effects my mood and makes it really low.

 Both my babies have bandanna’s now 😀 they look so cute!

Anyway that’s all for now, I need to rest my eyes from this screen.

Peace out

Batman

Tired and achy but feeling happy

Right now I’m too tired to write but I am too tired to move and do anything else… I’m just glad I got through another stressful week with minimal damage.

I’m still not feeling any better then I felt on Thursday, still exhausted, achy, snotty and chesty. I can’t wait to see the nurse tomorrow and get some antibiotics for a bit of relief.

Today my arm and hand that I fractured last year has been so achy today, my thumb is the worst it proper hurts. May need to wear the splint for a bit as a bit of support. But I’ll talk to the nurse about it tomorrow.

Friday I spent relaxing and looking after my needs, which I totally needed. I took the pups out for a walk, it was windy and raining but it was actually quite nice. Not one single person was down where we walked, felt like the only person in the world. Loved feeling the wind and rain on my face, made me feel alive. The pups needed a good run around as they’d not been out since last weekend. After I just spent some time watching TV and then played on the PS3 until dinner. I had gammon for dinner with dumplings and veg, it was so nice and even though my appetite is better I’ve not put on any weight, so I’m well happy with that, I’m still 8st 13lbs.

Saturday L and boo came over and spent the day and mine. It was a good day, me and boo played with trains and cars. We did try and go for a walk but it was so so windy down there and boo was tired so we didn’t go far. Boo fell asleep before we got home, so L and I watched Legend and I made more cheese biscuits mmmmmmm 🙂

After they left I had a little sleep because I was tired and in pain. I made myself dinner and played on the PS3 for about 4 hours, which I love so much.

Today I struggled to get going, I was so tired and felt rough. Still wanted to go out and do something though, hate sitting about even when I do feel ill.

My friend F picked up me and the pups and we went to the beach for a walk. Again it was really windy but at least it was dry and the pups had great fun running around going all crazy.

F and Benny came back to mine for a bit, which was nice. I changed into my joggy bottoms and sat and the floor and Benny kept rubbing himself all over me lol, he’s so sweet and didn’t leave my side bless him.

After they left I chilled out for a bit and eventually I just couldn’t stay awake any longer and fell asleep for about a hour. Cooked myself another nice dinner again tonight, so chuffed that I got my eating back on track quite quickly.

How do I feel right now? Like previous posts, I feel tired, achy and not too well. But my mood has improved and I feel happier then I have done this week. That’s down to seeing my friends, taking the pups out, eating properly, resting and sleeping, oh and playing my games on the PS3 🙂

It’s been a hell of a few weeks and it’s totally mashed my head up, loads of things have been churned up by this benefits process and my continuing counselling etc. But as usual with the help of my friends I’ve managed to pick myself and carry on. Sometimes I wonder how/why I carry on but I do, life is precious and some people don’t have the choice of living their life. But I do and I choose to carry on and live it as best as I can.

 This is how I feel

 Scrappy at Baiter on Friday

 A wind swept Foxy

 Pups chasing each other

 Boo didn’t like the wind

 Playing with trains 🙂

 Muscle boys!

 Selfie 🙂

 Aw selfie ❤

 Pups down the beach

 Another wind swept Foxy running on the beach

 Scrappy loving the beach

 I love the beach in the winter.

Peace out

Batman

I hate this broken body of mine

Where to start? I don’t even know right now, I’m tired as usual and not feeling too well again. I’m so fed up of this, I just want to feel better for a little bit.

Woke up today feeling even worse then I did yesterday, everything hurt from head to toe and still does now. My chest felt/feels tight but inhalers haven’t helped.

I took nearly an hour just to get showered and dressed because I kept having to sit and rest in between doing anything.

Despite feeling ill and exhausted, I managed to get myself out and on a bus to group (Mindout LGBT mental health group) http://www.dorsetmind.org.uk/

I’m glad I went, it was a good group and I found it helpful to vent all the stresses that are in my life right now, which is quite a few. I also sorted out taking subs and helped someone with some forms we were filling out. Which made me feel capable, useful and helpful and like I have a purpose, well at least for a bit.

Group took it out of me though, by the time I got home my head was pounding, my ears were hurting and just every inch of me hurt. I took some sumatriptan to help with my head, I couldn’t take anything else for my joint pain.

I took the pups across the road for 10 mins and took a ball over to play with scrappy 🙂 He loves playing fetch so much and it makes me happy watching him play and my little princess foxy just tags along trying to catch up with her brother. I love these two so so much and I am hoping to feel well enough to take them for a proper walk tomorrow, as I’ve not been able to take them out for a proper walk for about a week now, so they need one.

So glad I had dinner already made, so just had to microwave it. A day like today is why I have dinners ready made, because I just don’t have the energy to cook, even with my stool in the kitchen.

Haven’t done much this evening, just been relaxing and resting. I did paint two more boxes, one purple and one with a green base that’s going to have blue sides, so it looks like outdoors. I have a new mini figure of a janitor guy with a mop, so I am going to place him on my kitchen floor, with a spot of green paint to look like sick, gross I know lol! But it’s funny 🙂 need to do it tomorrow as the lighting in here is rubbish at night.

How do I feel right now? Tired, poorly and stressing about several things. Most things are out of my control right now so I’m trying to put them to the back of my mind and sort out the things that are in my control.

One of my stressors is the gender dysphoria, my main issue being not being able to bind my chest. Next week when I get paid I’m going to look one some sites and order myself a high intensity sports bra, in hope that will flatten my chest enough for me to feel passable.

In the summer I overheat really quickly, so I need to wear vest tops and shorts. So my chest needs to look less female in order for me to be myself and for me to feel comfortable in myself as well.

I wish I could unzip this body suit I have on because it’s the wrong body suit! with the wrong parts. I hate this so much! It’s frustrating because I can’t change anything right now.

Do you ever feel like a child? I do all the time, I feel like I am stuck at the age of 15 and I can’t seem to move on. It was the age I was diagnosed with Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis, the age my life stopped. Well that’s how it makes me feel anyway, I was really ill before my diagnosis but without a name it was easier to ignore.

I feel stuck, like emotionally stuck at this age and although I have progressed and I have moved on in many aspects of my life. But when it comes to being ill or whatever I go into child mode and it causes a lot of pain and anger. The anger almost becomes uncontrollable, I can feel it inside but there’s nothing I can do about it.

From head to toe, inside and out I despise my body. It has the wrong parts and nothing fucking works properly. I hurt every day, I’m tired every day, I’m ill all the time. Even my mind doesn’t work properly, I can’t and don’t trust any part of me to do its job properly.

I’ve never had any help with dealing with coming to terms in living with a long term illness with no cure. There’s still nothing out there, no help nothing.

Anyway..whatever I’m exhausted, well even more so. I better get this broken body to bed.

Peace out

Batman