Braving the weather

This weekend most of the UK was hit by storm Dennis… we had a storm last Saturday as well. I’m getting fed up with such shitty weather. I’m so looking forward to the spring/summer. I much prefer being outside then stuck in all day.

I live close to the sea and yesterday it was so grim, the wind was just howling and the rain was non stop. I did manage to get out for 20 mins in the morning to take the dogs for a quick walk/wee but the rest of the day was an absolute wash out.

I made use of my time, makes some cakes, marmite and cheese swirls. I had to entertain the fur babies, with playing indoor stuff like bubbles, laser pen and fetch. Played on the PS4, watched some stuff on Netflix. So not too bad.

But today the wind and the rain had calmed down a bit so I decided to take the dogs out for a walk.

I’m so glad I did as it made me feel a whole lot better. It was cold, really windy and it did rain, so we all got soaked. But it was much needed exercise, especially for me and scrappy lol!

I thought I would share some pictures of our adventures by the sea

I always struggle to get out in the first place, but once I’m out I feel so much better. Especially with such gloomy, cold weather. It’s just been relentless this winter.

Anyway I hope everyone stayed safe this weekend.

Peace out

Zak

Pushing through the dark

I woke up today just not wanting to participate in life at all, just wanted to hide. But I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t settle on doing any one thing and Scrappy kept looking at me with his big puppy dog eyes.

With much effort and a lot of complaining and swearing lol, I got myself up and ready. Every step to get ready felt so difficult and almost impossible to do, but I stuck with it and finally was showered and dressed.

I got ready to take the dogs out, I was undecided as to where I was going to take them. But as soon as we stepped outside it started raining, only a little shower at first, so I kept walking and then it rained heavily for about 5 minutes. We’d just gone to the green across the road, as they needed to go pee anyway. The rain stopped and the sun came out, it was pretty windy, so it was moving the clouds out the way.

As we were already soaked, I decided to go to Baiter for a walk, Foxy wasn’t overly happy with being soaked but we all soon dried off in the sunshine.

There weren’t many people down there, which was perfect. It was good to be outside, despite the struggle it took to force myself out, I’m always happy to be out.

I took some nice pictures, the dogs had a blast which makes me so happy, watching them playing and having so much fun.

I feel like I can breathe when I’m outside in nature, I feel free. I’m glad we got out in between the rain and storms, we’ve got more headed our way this weekend.

Here are all the pictures I took this afternoon

I’m feeling a bit more relaxed now, then I was this morning. It’s amazing what a bit of fresh air can do to help lift your mood a bit.

That’s all for now, I hope you enjoy this blog and my pictures.

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy – gender dysphoria

I’m sure not everyone is happy that it’s raining today but I certainly am, it means I can wear jeans, T-shirt, hoodie and a baseball cap without being hot and without feeling dysphoric about my chest area.

Now I know in 4 weeks I won’t have to worry about it because I’ll be getting top surgery. That doesn’t mean the dysphoria goes away just because I have a date. I feel like it’s actually made it worse and heightened my dysphoria around my chest.

I think it’s because a lot of my focus is going towards arranging stuff, talking about it, counting down the weeks etc. I’m super excited about it but nervous too. So I think that’s all magnified the gender dysphoria.

The last few weeks it’s been hot, so I’ve been living in shorts and T-shirt’s, so today is a welcome break for me. I’m not feeling that added stress and anxiety. I feel a bit more relaxed, as I feel comfortable and safe.

The word that keeps repeating in my head when I think about top surgery is the word FREEDOM and I think surgery will be the start of me releasing stuff that no longer serves me and looking after my body better, because I won’t be self conscious about exercising and I’ll be able to do things that I love, like swimming and maybe I’ll go back to Thai chi.

This will definitely be the start of the next chapter, the more authentic me, the more confident me. I’m so excited for this next stage.

Always be your true self 💜

Peace out

Zak

Tired and achy but feeling happy

Right now I’m too tired to write but I am too tired to move and do anything else… I’m just glad I got through another stressful week with minimal damage.

I’m still not feeling any better then I felt on Thursday, still exhausted, achy, snotty and chesty. I can’t wait to see the nurse tomorrow and get some antibiotics for a bit of relief.

Today my arm and hand that I fractured last year has been so achy today, my thumb is the worst it proper hurts. May need to wear the splint for a bit as a bit of support. But I’ll talk to the nurse about it tomorrow.

Friday I spent relaxing and looking after my needs, which I totally needed. I took the pups out for a walk, it was windy and raining but it was actually quite nice. Not one single person was down where we walked, felt like the only person in the world. Loved feeling the wind and rain on my face, made me feel alive. The pups needed a good run around as they’d not been out since last weekend. After I just spent some time watching TV and then played on the PS3 until dinner. I had gammon for dinner with dumplings and veg, it was so nice and even though my appetite is better I’ve not put on any weight, so I’m well happy with that, I’m still 8st 13lbs.

Saturday L and boo came over and spent the day and mine. It was a good day, me and boo played with trains and cars. We did try and go for a walk but it was so so windy down there and boo was tired so we didn’t go far. Boo fell asleep before we got home, so L and I watched Legend and I made more cheese biscuits mmmmmmm 🙂

After they left I had a little sleep because I was tired and in pain. I made myself dinner and played on the PS3 for about 4 hours, which I love so much.

Today I struggled to get going, I was so tired and felt rough. Still wanted to go out and do something though, hate sitting about even when I do feel ill.

My friend F picked up me and the pups and we went to the beach for a walk. Again it was really windy but at least it was dry and the pups had great fun running around going all crazy.

F and Benny came back to mine for a bit, which was nice. I changed into my joggy bottoms and sat and the floor and Benny kept rubbing himself all over me lol, he’s so sweet and didn’t leave my side bless him.

After they left I chilled out for a bit and eventually I just couldn’t stay awake any longer and fell asleep for about a hour. Cooked myself another nice dinner again tonight, so chuffed that I got my eating back on track quite quickly.

How do I feel right now? Like previous posts, I feel tired, achy and not too well. But my mood has improved and I feel happier then I have done this week. That’s down to seeing my friends, taking the pups out, eating properly, resting and sleeping, oh and playing my games on the PS3 🙂

It’s been a hell of a few weeks and it’s totally mashed my head up, loads of things have been churned up by this benefits process and my continuing counselling etc. But as usual with the help of my friends I’ve managed to pick myself and carry on. Sometimes I wonder how/why I carry on but I do, life is precious and some people don’t have the choice of living their life. But I do and I choose to carry on and live it as best as I can.

 This is how I feel

 Scrappy at Baiter on Friday

 A wind swept Foxy

 Pups chasing each other

 Boo didn’t like the wind

 Playing with trains 🙂

 Muscle boys!

 Selfie 🙂

 Aw selfie ❤

 Pups down the beach

 Another wind swept Foxy running on the beach

 Scrappy loving the beach

 I love the beach in the winter.

Peace out

Batman

Catch up from a very ill me :(

I’ve not been around properly for a while because I’ve just been so ill, so exhausted and really low.

I have felt so ill all week due to the methotrexate, it’s given me a bad stomach all week, nothing I’ve eaten has stayed in and I’ve had stomach pains on an off all week. I’ve had to take Loperamide to settle my stomach. I know it’s the methotrexate and not a bug because I have come to learn the difference. I HATE this drug so fucking much! My body is no longer tolerating it and it hasn’t done for a long time, but no one is listening to me.

I am sick of not being listened to by my doctors so I am going to make a complaint. They are keeping me ill by keeping me on methotrexate. I am NO longer tolerating it at all and I am sick of it. I am also going to make a complaint about my GP for many reasons, I am just not happy with my over all treatment of any of my ailments. So Monday I am going up to the Patient Advice and Liaison Services to start the ball rolling on my complaint.

I’ve decided to start my steroids every day rather then every other day and I am going to double my dose for a week to 10 mgs as I need a boost. I know this isn’t under the advice of my doctors but you know what they are not listening to me and I want to feel better. It’s nothing they wouldn’t do if I was having a flare anyway. I’ve been on steroids since I was 7 years old, I know what I am doing. I just wish I could stop the methotrexate without doctors but I know that would be stupid.

This week I have done nothing, due to feeling just so poorly and it’s rained all week long pretty much all day every day. I have been out a few times into town but that’s about it.

I did treat myself to some new jogging bottoms, I was trying to find some cuff bottom jeans but there wasn’t anywhere. So I did want jogging bottoms too but the ones I bought were boy’s age 13 lol! So pleased that I can fit into kids clothes again, they are actually a bit baggy 🙂 but that’s cool.

On Thursday I had a phone call from my bank about unusual activity on my account and it turns out that someone has got hold of my card details and took all my money out. The bank was really great though, I stressed to them that I am on benefits due to being ill and that I have no over draft, no family members who can help etc, so they processed a claim to put that money straight back in and that went in on Friday. I am however left without a bank card at the moment…But hopefully I will have that Monday. I’m just lucky the bank were bang on it! It’s just the inconvenience of it all more then anything.

I am hoping that tomorrow I will be feeling much better, so I can actually take the pups for a walk or do something. As I am getting stir crazy! I need to get out properly!

So yeah this has made me feel so low 😦 But just for deciding to take charge I feel a bit better.

Peace out

Batman

G.I.C workshop @ Charing Cross hospital

I am so so so tired, I probably should get to bed right now. But I need to get stuff out my head before I can sleep and rest properly.

Monday night it took me nearly an hour to get to sleep because I was so anxious about Tues morning and it was so weird not having the pups in bed with me. But I eventually got to sleep…not for long though as I was up at 5:45 am Tuesday morning.

I got up, had breakfast, showered, dressed and sorted my backpack out. Man it was so weird, the flat was so quiet without the pups lol. Mind I didn’t miss scrappy following me about with his toys waiting for me to play fetch every 2 seconds! I had some time to watch a bit of tv and check my backpack like a hundred times to make sure I’ve got absolutely everything I needed. Anxious much! eeeep!

Whilst walking to the coach stop, my heart started racing, I was hot/cold and sweaty, I was shaking internally. I was a mess lol and at one point I felt like walking back home. But I carried on and I got on the coach, put my seatbelt on and off the coach went.

As the time went on my anxiety lessened because well, I was on the motorway on the way to Hammersmith London, there was no turning back lol. So I just had to get on with it! I had a nice lady sat next to me and we chatted a bit, she also gave me some directions as well which was great and totally spot on 🙂

The fucking weather was crap, it was raining heavily on and off all day. When I got off the coach I managed to walk and find my way to the gender identity clinic. I was an hour early but I was there, safe and sound. Oh on the way though some absolute fucking cock drove straight through a puddle and soaked me! I was not fucking impressed, so I flipped him off and shouted cunt at him lol!

Oh I was the first person waiting…haha. There was another guy that turned up not long after me, so we sat and chatted while we were waiting and he took my number. Loads of people soon started piling in! Which as a bit overwhelming but cool to see so many trans peeps in the same place 🙂 Some were out like me, some weren’t and some were non binary etc, so yeah it was cool.

The workshop itself was good, talked about what to expect, went through the process and what sort of things are available to us, what is covered by the NHS and what things aren’t (all is covered apart from a boob job) Talked us through the surgeries, female to male and male to female, saw some graphic surgery pictures lol! That was a bit gross, especially the male to female surgery! EEEEP! But overall it was really good and I enjoyed it. Oh and I was chatting to a lady in there and I gave her to details of the trans group I go to as she doesn’t live too far from me which is cool.

I headed back to the coach stop, picking up a sandwich on the way through because I was so freaking hungry. But I could have actually stopped to eat something properly because the coach was an hour late! My phone had died and the plug on the coach where I was sat was broken… and the battery life on my tab is awful. I couldn’t really relax because I was just so anxious to get to L’s to get my babies!

The coach was 40 mins late getting to Bournemouth but the traffic and road works was fucking awful on the way back. I hopped into a taxi and went to L’s 🙂 OMG it was soooo good to see my happy babies! Scrappy was crying bless him and foxy was happy barking at me lol!

I stayed at L’s for a little bit, just to catch up 🙂 didn’t stay too long because I just needed to get into my bed so bad.

Got the bus home with the pups, chatting to a few friends.

Got in, grabbed some food, meds, chargers for phone and tab, chucked phone and tab in my bedroom, got a nice cold can of Pepsi and collapsed onto my bed with a big sigh of relief. Ah meds, food and a nice cold can of Pepsi was so lush!

I caught up with a few peeps online who were asking me about my day but I couldn’t stay up much longer. So I was sound asleep by about half 11 pm I think.

Wow it was a really long day but I am so so chuffed that I went and I did it all by myself 🙂 and I made some friends too!

Today I woke up at 9 am, went for a pee, had something to eat and drink and went back to bed until 12 pm, I soooo needed it but I’m still not really fully functional lol. I’ve been in my own world most of the day.

I did do the housework this afternoon, did a load of laundry…that leaked grey and black onto lighter coloured clothes…oops lol! But whatever..

Went into town, got electric, paid my rent and treated myself to some new stuff. I got new trainers, boxers and two t-shirts. I think I bloody well deserved it 😀 that’s my story and I am sticking to it! haha.

Got back and relaxed for a bit, took some pain meds as my legs were aching. Then took the pups out for a nice walk 🙂

This evening I’ve just been relaxing, wasn’t really hungry so just had a sandwich for dinner. Been catching up with my groups online which has been cool 🙂

I suppose I am feeling ok tonight, just tired. I don’t really feel really happy or really depressed. I just feel ok…maybe I feel a little down but I think that’s because well it has been a hell of a week. I think the London trip was a massive distraction from what’s actually going on in my head if that makes sense. I was so anxious and wrapped up with worrying about the workshop that everything else I was worrying about has been pushed away. But I can feel it all slowly creeping back into my head, which sucks but there are things I need to deal with, like the shitty benefits wankers! URGH! So yeah I am fully expecting my mood to drop again.

Physically I’m ok, just really achy and tired. My skin on my right hand is really peeling all over my fingers. I’m not complaining because I like picking it but it does get a lil sore. I think I’m having a lil flare up because every day I feel a bit run down, which is a really crappy feeling.

Right I need to get to bed,

Peace out

Batman

Wrapping up another week..

Sat on the sofa with the balcony door open just listening to the rain, there’s something relaxing about listening to the rain when I’m sat inside nice and dry.

I’m still feeling the effects of getting my head around everything I wrote in yesterdays post about past traumas because well it’s pretty heavy stuff. But it needs to come out and it needs to be worked through, unpicked and sorted into a bit of a neater pile then its in right now. Because right now it’s in a massive great big mess in my head but the more I write about it, the more I talk about it, the more I can make sense of it all.

I haven’t done much today, I’ve just slept lots, coloured in a few pictures as well, took the pups across the road a few times for a run, cooked myself a sausage and bean casserole in the slow cooker as well. It’s been a good day, just been trying not to reflect on things too much because that can bring my mood down.

I forgot to mention something on yesterdays post, I made some cakes yesterday evening and I’ve not made any for a long while, in fact it’s the first time this YEAR I made cakes, which is unusual for me. But in between breaking bones I’ve just not had the energy to stand and bake cakes. Anyway last night I made some yummy lil cakes as its something I enjoy, plus I enjoy eating them too 🙂 I used my perching stool and wow it does make such a difference to me, I could bake and not been exhausted and in agony afterwards. But with the stool, I wasn’t in too much pain or extra pain and I wasn’t too tired either 🙂 So chuffed with it but I suppose it’s bitter sweet because it sucks that I’m 30 and need this to help me. But yeah whatever..

Tomorrow I am meeting someone from the Recovery Education Centre to talk about doing some courses with them. All their courses are around dealing with mental health, all the courses look amazing and I want to do them all lol. Usually people do 3 courses at a time but I think with the groups I do I’m only going to do one course at a time, as I think that will be enough for me to take on right now. I am really looking forward to getting my teeth into something new 🙂 It should be fun and if it aids my continuing recovery then it can only be a good thing.

I have my gender identity counselling again Tuesday, so looking forward to that. Thursday I have my LGBT mental health group Mind out and that’s all I really have planned this week. In between all of this I need to rest, as I have London a week on Tuesday, so I need to be fairly well in every way to cope with such a long day.

I still don’t really know what this workshop is but I am excited to go up and see where to gender clinic is and just get a feel of things 🙂 Plus I get to see my best friend too! I am mega excited to see him again!

The weather has been loads cooler again today and I was able to go out in jeans, hoodie and baseball cap and not feel hot! FINALLY! I feel and look much more like a boy too 🙂 which makes me very very happy!

Just looked over at my pets 🙂 I have 3 of them next to me, Harley is right next to me, stretched right out fast asleep and foxy and scrappy are on the other side of the sofa snuggled up together 🙂 so so sweet, I love how close they are. Miss Marley moo is sat up on her post having a bit of peace and quiet away from them us all lol. I love them so so much, I just look at them and beam with pride and they make me feel so emotional because I love them unconditionally, with every ounce of my heart and soul and I would do anything to make sure they are happy, healthy and have their needs met. I’m fiercely protective of them too ❤ Scrappy did paw today, finally after trying to teach him all summer, he’s finally got it 🙂 lol! Practice make perfect I suppose, bless him my lil dude.

I’m just trying to figure out where my head is right now and I’m not really sure where it’s at… I think I’m just numb right now, to be honest I think that’s the best, as it probably has to potential to bring my mood down.

I better get myself and my beautiful pups into bed very soon, so I’m going to finish off now. I’m really tired tonight so I know I’ll sleep well.

Peace out

Batman

Coping with everything

Today is nearly over and I am a step closer to my fracture clinic appointment. I’m feeling tired again tonight but I’m feeling good.

Not done much today, the weather for most of today has been rain! rain and oh more rain! So most of today I’ve spent in pjs on the sofa, watching friends and napping.

My appetite has been good today for some reason but I’ve eaten loads today which is really good.

I managed to spend some time out with the pups once the rain had stopped.

My best friend came over late afternoon 🙂 it was so so nice to see her, I’ve not seen her for 3 months. We had pizza hut, watched a film and caught up. It was so good 🙂 I was getting so bored so appreciated her company.

Been feeling a bit better today, slowly catching up on sleep.

Peace out

Batman

A little blue

I am at my brothers right now, looking after my little nephew. Not long put the lil monkey to bed, he’s sound asleep.

My mood isn’t much better today, still feeling a bit down, a bit flat but it’s not too bad, I can deal with it. Still just trying to let myself feel it, deal with it rather then instantly distracting myself from it. Because that’s not always helpful.

The weather is really crappy today so I’ve been able to wear trousers and my hoodie 🙂 yay! made me feel comfortable with my body. Which I’ve not really felt since the summer started, I’m so glad we are heading towards the cooler weather again.

I slept ok-ish last night, I did wake up for about half an hour at about 4 am, I ended up just getting up for a bit and went straight back to sleep until my alarm went off and rudely woke me again at 7:30 am which by then I did NOT want to get up and I wanted to stay asleep….typical lol.

I was up at the hospital just before 9 am, I found where I was meant to be going ok too. Thankfully I didn’t have to wait long, a nurse did my weight, height and blood pressure before I went in to meet my new doctor. I was a bit anxious about it but it went ok, it was a lady doctor and she was really lovely. On my notes it does say I am male, but she asked me if it was Miss or Mr so I said genetically I am a Miss but I prefer Mr because I’m trans* and she was like ok cool, so that was pretty awesome. We talked about my condition, how it effects me, how it started, my symptoms etc, just my whole history up until now. She’s agreed that for now I can slowly come off the steroids, which is cool. I start by taking them every other day and see how I go, if I have a flare up then she will look at putting me on something else. I see her in two months time 🙂 so yeah I am pretty happy with that outcome.

I had a nap mid morning, after I’d taken the dogs out for a quick wee. I definitely needed that lil sleep, I was out for an hour and a half and I felt refreshed.

This afternoon I had a health check up with the nurse at the doctors, she did my weight, height and blood pressure. Got her to do me a prescription of a few bits I needed, we had a good chat about things too. I asked her if I absolutely have to have my smear test, which I am due to have in March and I explained my situation to her and she said they will send me a letter asking me to book an appointment when its due and all I need to do is ring them up and explain my situation and I may have to sign like a disclaimer or something but I may not. So yeah that’s good. I checked with reception if my forms had been sent to the gender clinic and they definitely have which is cool! and she’s going to see what’s going on about the pain clinic…again! I got referred in January, they sent me forms which I sent back but I’ve just not heard back since, which is so annoying!

I managed to sit down for about 10 mins before I was off out again.

I’ve been at my brothers since half 4 pm. Little Leo has been fed, had play time, had a bath, had a bottle and is now fast asleep. He’s such an easy baby to look after. It’s Jack Jack’s 6th birthday tomorrow, 6! I can’t believe where the times gone. So I’m seeing him on Fri to give him his presents.

Got group tomorrow and I am taking about 20mins of it…EEEP! I have a rough idea of what I am going to do, but I need to plan it a little bit more, so I need to do that in a min. Bit nervous about it, I hope people behave and I hope it will be helpful to them. We are doing about managing emotions and I will be doing a bit about how to be mindful of emotions and I will be doing a mindfulness exercise.

Well I better get my butt into gear and start planning my lil piece for tomorrow.

Peace out

Batman

Mindful Sunday

So the week has come to an end once again and it’s been an interesting week, a bit up and down and all over the place. But The main thing is I got through it with the help of my beautiful pups and the use of my DBT skills.

I slept ok-ish last night and woke up briefly quite early this morning but managed to get back to sleep until a reasonable hour.

Just chilled out this morning, playing with the pups and watching cartoons.

The weather was once again that of a winters day…in the middle of July! So I threw on some joggy bottoms and a hoodie and took the pups out so they could pee and poop, although foxy wasn’t impressed with the rain lol.

I a little bit got myself some more Lego, another 3in1 set so I spent some time making them this afternoon which was cool. Spent some time playing with all the animals 🙂 which was fun. Just chilled out watching tv and relaxing.

The weather cleared up so I took the pups for a walk, we ended up at Baiter just where I scattered my dad, I didn’t walk any further though. Even though it was cold scrappy still went in for a swim lol, he’s so crazy! Foxy was just happy running about saying hello to everyone and other pups. I walked a different way home and there was one point I wasn’t quite sure where I was, as I had walked through the houses but I managed to find my way and got home.

When I got in I sorted through some drawers and stuff, threw some junk out and moved stuff about. Feel better for it 🙂

Had myself some dinner and watched a film, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It’s such a top film, it’s fucking hilarious!

Thought I would get my blog done early tonight so I can spend more time playing with my Lego and I might colour in another manadal mindfully 🙂 just to end the week and start a new week totally relaxed and in a good place.

I got a few bits to do tomorrow, I have to wait in for my shower stool and I am hoping that comes in the morning.. but we shall see. I do need to pop up to the doctors for my sharps box, gotta do the housework and stuff. I am also starting my new regime I suppose you can call it where I’m going to start and end the day with a glass of water and 5 mins of mindfulness. I don’t drink nearly enough water so I want to get into a better habit of drinking it and I think if I start the day with a bit of mindfulness it will set me up for the day and if I’ve had a stressful day then it can help me unwind 🙂 so fingers crossed it will make a bit of difference to my life.

That’s it for now,

Peace out

Batman