Yesterday, my friend and I went up to my last post op appointment in Plymouth.
It went really well, the blood clot that he initially said would need to be drained at this appointment had gone, he said my body had absorbed it which is good. That meant not having to have a big needle stuck in my side! haha. That side is still a bit puffy but he said it will go down in time, it will take a few months for my body to properly heal itself.
The nurse cleaned around my scars and got rid of all the sticky patches from the tape and dressings and my surgeon picked off the scabs on my nipples and I got to see my new shiny, pink nipples properly for the first time! and they look pretty damn good.
As parts of my chest is still numb and hypersensitive, I’ve got to keep touching the area so wake it and stop it being so sensitive.
I DON’T HAVE TO BIND ANYMORE! WOO! The first thing I did when I got back into town, was go get my haircut! and man that felt great. Went to a new barbers and wow had the best haircut and service ever. I got home and jumped straight in the shower and that was the best shower in the world! It felt great! I finally feel clean again! and then I threw the binder away!
My chest, ribs and back are sore and stiff from binding and a bit from surgery too, so I’ve been doing gentle stretches to loosen my muscles up a bit. I’ve also been trying to consciously walk with a better posture, as the binder and pre surgery I walked hunched up, which isn’t helped with the sore muscles. A surprising side effect of a better posture is a better mood, I feel great when I’m standing properly, I don’t feel like I have to hide away anymore. I can walk tall and proud.
I feel like I’m finally getting back into the swing of life again, I’ll probably go back to volunteering in a week or two, although I’ll need to do a sort of trial shift, just to see how I get on, as I don’t want to push my body too much before its ready.
It’s been a long hard road to get here today but I did it and I’m so glad I held on, even when it felt impossible and so far out of reach.
I’ve not posted anything in a while, I always think I have to be ‘in the right mood’ in order to be able to write a good post, but I realised that was just me being lazy and procrastinating. I decided I just need to get over myself and WRITE! I enjoy writing, it always makes me feel better, so I’m not sure why I stop myself.
A lot has happened in the last 2 months, since my last post. The main big news is that I’ve finally had top surgery! I had it 5 weeks ago 20th August! Everything went really well, my scars and new nipples look amazing! I am beyond happy! I’m still having to wear a compression binder..Urgh! But hopefully another week longer and I’ll be free!
I have a check up on Thursday, as I have a clot of blood sat on my right side of the chest, that they just need to drain and hopefully after that I won’t need to go back again. Wearing the compression binder has been pretty brutal, as I’ve been wearing it for nearly 5 weeks straight. I’ve had a few days where I’ve taken it off and given my chest a break. My skin is a bit sore where the binder has been rubbing on my skin and my ribs on the left are a bit swollen and this is exactly why I didn’t wear a binder in the first place, because its just too painful, uncomfortable and hot.
I have had a handful of good friends who’ve been so great during this time, I was so grateful to have people take me to the hospital before my op, bring me home, friends looking after my fur babies and friends taking me back and forth for check up apps and a couple of people coming over. It was one of the things I was worried about but I got there and back and my fur babies were look after, those were the most important things. So that made things easier.
Recovery has been a bit more difficult, its been pretty lonely and boring. I think week 3 of recovery was when I went out on my own, as I was so bored and I just needed to get out and then I also took the dogs out for the day which was great but man did that put me on my ass for the next few days. I’ve been trying to walk and get out as much as I can to start building myself up again, but still gotta take it easy and there’s still things I’ve got to be careful doing. I can’t reach my arms over my head yet and I can’t lift anything heavy still either.
Just been trying to occupy my time with different things, reading, meditation, gaming, playing inside with the dogs, napping, Netflix, colouring in. I keep I suppose its disassociating and just sitting staring and hours pass by and I haven’t moved or done anything. I also keep getting bouts of really bad anxiety, like anxiety I’ve not experienced before, it’s been so bad that I can’t move, I can’t tolerate noise, I’m just frozen and I felt so exhausted. Some days I was able to push through and make myself get out of the house, even just to walk to dogs, but even that was a massive effort. So things haven’t all been great just because I’ve had surgery, like it doesn’t solve all the issues, that I previously was struggling with. I think loneliness and isolation has really made it worse, as usual. It sucks not being able to volunteer and not having the energy to be out as much as I would like to be. It has had a huge emotional toll and I still haven’t really processed it and I think that’s another reason I’ve put off writing, because it means I don’t have to empty my guts out onto a page and examine what the fucks going on in that crazy brain of mine. I suppose this could be the start of the process but who knows.
So yeah its not been all flowers and rainbows, its been hard. I think the first 2 weeks after surgery, I kept having moments of feeling so blissed out, which was incredible. But then like I said the issues I had already before surgery reared their ugly heads again. But I mean I’m ok, I’m just frustrated, I miss not being in a routine and just doing things, I miss volunteering and seeing people. Kinda feels like a bit of a step back with the isolation… but I mean yeah.. I’m sure that will get better once I can do stuff again.
Above are pictures of my hospital room, me before and after surgery. I’m pretty impressed with how incredibly well my body has healed so far. The body is an amazing thing! I’m so blessed not to have had any major complications and everything has gone relatively well.
Just before surgery I had to have a ultrasound scan of my womb, as I was coming up to two years on testosterone, so its something they do. Results came back to say the lining of my womb is still thick and it shouldn’t be, so gotta go to gynaecologist in Dec, not overly looking forward to that, but its good they are looking into what might be happening.
2 days after surgery was my 2 years on testosterone anniversary 22nd August! I can’t believe it! It’s gone so quickly! I look so different too! In spite of all the mental health stuff I have going on, I do feel better on a more spiritual level, I feel more me, I just feel right now, well getting there, but I do feel more comfortable being me. I’m sure as more time passes the better that will get. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come and I still have a way to go, but I’m finally on the road I want to be.
Well that’s all for now, I hope whoever read this, enjoys it.
Well this Sunday has been pretty perfect and I really enjoyed some quality me time and quality time with my fur babies 🙂 it was much needed. I’m slowly recovering from the summer activities, which don’t get me wrong was amazing and so much fun. But my poor lil body and mind over did it and now I need to spend time repairing that.
So despite sleeping most of yesterday, I slept really well last night and didn’t wake up until 10 am. I’m so pleased all my work has paid off and my sleep is back into a much better routine now, makes life a bit easier when I can at least sleep well.
I had my breakfast and chilled out for a bit, but bitch jobs had to be done… (this is why I need a wife 😉 lol) But I felt better for having a clean flat.
Got myself all nice and clean too, took the rubbish out and went to the shop to get myself something for dinner and OH some Lego a little bit accidentally fell in with the shopping..:D
I took the pups across the road for half an hour for a run, came home and had some lunch, put my new Lego together and did some colouring in, my lil bird is coming together nicely 🙂
I watched a good 80’s classic film Ghostbusters 🙂 and I cooked myself some dinner, I had a nice chicken breast, baby sweetcorn on the cob, roast potatoes and onion gravy, it was so so nice and treated all the fur babies to a bit of chicken each, which they definitely enjoyed as it was gone in seconds lol.
Decided to take the pups for a longer walk as it was a nice evening, kinda didn’t want to waste it 🙂 I ended up bumping into a friend who walked with us, which was really nice to catch up.
We got home and snuggled up on the sofa and non of us have moved since and lil miss Harley has joined us, although she’s been trying to get on my lap but right now she can’t as I’m on the laptop, so she’s finally settled beside me 🙂 ah they are all just so freaking cute!
Ahh I feel, tired because of the walk but my mind feels rested and in a good place. I like the me when I feel in a good place and when I just have time to be me, without thinking about anything or anyone other then myself and my fur babies, yes that sounds selfish but in life it’s ok to be a little bit selfish every now and again. I feel totally centred and just ah I feel good 🙂
I’ll be doing pretty much the same tomorrow too, apart from I have a my trans group social in the evening 🙂
I have been one busy boy today! and I’ve been on the go since 7:30 am.
When I woke up I cleaned up the flat, had a shower and got dressed, had breakfast and went up to my hospital appointment about my little finger. She said she’s happy with it and it is healing well, it’s just taking longer because I did really over stretch the tendons and they are going to take a bit longer to recover, but she’s given me another splint to wear at night just to help straighten it out more. I’m pleased it’s nothing serious and it is just because I damaged it quite bad. I dropped off my sputum sample after my appointment, so hopefully the antibiotics did the job and the staph infection is all gone.
I got home, hung out the washing to dry, took the pups out for half an hour and when I got back I still had just over and hour till I had to leave for group, so I did try and have a nap but ended up just laying on the sofa with my eye’s closed. I just couldn’t sleep even though I was so so so tired. Having so much trouble with sleeping and staying asleep at the moment, it’s so frustrating.
I just made it to group in time and luckily everyone was running a bit late so I didn’t miss anything. Group was good, we finished looking at the model of coming out. I really enjoyed looking at it and it was really interesting, the model we looked out was a little bit out dated, so we are going to look at another model another time but it was interesting to learn the stages some people go through when they come out as gay, lesbian or bi. This model didn’t look at gender.
After group I met up with L and the boy’s and we went down to the seafront and played in the water fountains 🙂 We all had fish and chips for dinner as well. It was really nice to spend some time with them just chilling.
Got home to my very happy furkids 🙂 and put a load of laundry on, then I took the pups across the road for half an hour, to burn off some energy.
Just been relaxing this evening 🙂 got the Weymouth group tomorrow, so I’m looking forward to that.
Anyway I’m off to bed after this and I am hoping to actually sleep tonight and not wake up 3-4 times.
Thought I would update now as I am going to the trans group tonight, so I don’t know what time I’ll be in and how tired I’ll be.
I woke up this morning about 8:30 am. I snuggled up on the sofa with a blanket and my hot water bottle. I sat for about 15 mins just relaxing and thinking about having a little nap. Then I had the sudden realisation that I had an appointment today, so I checked my calender and yup! I had a appointment for my p-doc at 11:20 am..DAMN IT! Thought I was going to spend most of the day chilling out lol.
I had some breakfast, got a shower and got dressed, then took the pups across the road for a wee. Came back and watched a bit of TV before I had to leave. I rang the doctors to leave a message with Dr Richardson to say about how the antibiotics he gave me hurt my stomach and that I’ve now got the doxycycline to take instead. She said he may ring me, but he hasn’t yet.
Got the bus up to my appointment. It’s not as cold out today as it has been thankfully. My p-doc was running 10 mins late, I hate sitting in there, no matter how you feel it always makes me feel like I am loosing the will to live lol, such a depressing place. Some poor guy had come a week early for his appointment poor love.
My appointment with my p-doc actually went well, because I already had an idea of what I wanted to talk about and where I wanted to go regards to my medication and the gender identity stuff. We had a good chat about medication, I said since doing DBT I feel more in control of things. I’ve not self harmed in 17 months, the longest I’ve ever gone. I no longer display BPD traits and this isn’t just coming from me. I feel that maybe if I come off medication completely then the skills I learnt in DBT can help me deal with my bipolar and ADHD. He has agreed to this which is really. I said because of all my other medication I am on it would be great if I could stop one. So he wants me to come slowly off the last 200mgs which is a bit frustrating, but I understand why. So this month I will be taking 150mgs, next month down too 100 mgs, month after 50mgs, then completely off quetiapine altogether. YAY. Told him about the weight loss and that I didn’t change my diet etc, so he was really happy about that. Told him about the trans group I go to and Mindout (mental health group for LGBTQ peeps) I told him about looking at doing some courses at the recovery education centre and that I might do some befriending in the future. He’s really happy that I am keeping busy and doing things to keep up my recovery. Talked about the fact I have come to the conclusion that for me physically getting pregnant and having a child is just out of the question as I don’t think I’d ever be physically well enough to do it. I’d have to be off my meds for a year before even getting pregnant and I’m ill a lot ON medication, I’d be so poorly off it. So that was my main reason for not saying that I am transgender, I am sure that I want to be a boy etc. But I think now that has totally changed and I don’t know what the process is now. He said that I’d have to live as a male for a year before being referred to anywhere, which I knew that bit already. I said is there anyone locally that does trans counselling. The guy that runs the trans group does 1:1 work, but I can’t afford it, so my p-doc said he will look into it and see what is about, so that’s really cool. So yeah really pleased with my appointment. I got everything out that I wanted too and I think because I am taking charge of my recovery and I had a plan of what I want to happen, he was willing to engage me. So he’s going to see me in two months time, sooner if I need him. While I am completely off meds he will see me once a month…hopefully because that’s what I asked for, its a reasonable request and a sensible one. So he can check to see if I am doing well without medication.
Pretty much skipped to the bus stop as I was feeling good about it all. I got off at the hospital because I needed to get my bloods done. Waited in there for half hour….urgh more waiting about lol. But chatted to a few nice people in there. Blood test went on, although she was fishing about for a bit, which it hurt a bit but felt more uncomfortable then anything.
Walked back into town and went to the bank, as I had a text this morning, saying I needed to put £2.52 or I’ll be charged £8 bank charges because I had 2 direct debits that bounced. But the woman said I’ll still be charged, didn’t really understand why but whatever lol. I cancelled one of my direct debits for my phone insurance, but I have insurance with the bank, I just need to update the details so they have the right IME number for my current phone, but I couldn’t do that today as my phone died while I was in there lol. But I’ll sort that out another time. Was waiting about in there for ages as well lol. SO bored of waiting, but that’s all I’ve done today.
Then I went into Asda to get my prescription of my new doses. Waited about in there for 15 mins lol…They had everything but the 50mgs, but that’s ok as I don’t need that right away. Also ordered a load of my other medications.
Finally got home to my beautiful babies, who were so excited to see me 🙂 hehe love it. I sorted out my pill box for the week, so that’s one less thing to worry about later this evening. I had a nice nutella sandwich for lunch 😀 nice and healthy haha. Took my pain killers and my doxycycline, had my sandwich and chilled out watching Judge Rinder and I’ve now got Jeremy Kyle on 🙂 ah, chilled afternoon. I do feel tired enough for a nap, but I don’t have the time.
It’s 4 pm now, so after writing I am going to take the pups across the road for a run, then I can chill for a bit more. Have myself some dinner before group and I will be leaving about 6 pm to get the bus to group. My first trans group of the year, yay! Looking forward to it 🙂
So yeah feeling pretty damn good, feeling confident with myself and that I am taking control of my life and what I want and don’t want to put into my body.
I think I was in bed by about 11:30 pm…I can’t remember exactly, but I did want an early-ish night.
Slept really well last night 🙂 Woke up at 9 am, just relaxed for a little. Made myself a nice ham and cheese omelette, good hearty breakfast to keep me going.
The flat needed a good clean, so I did the dishes, cleaned the cat litter box and hoovered, usually would clean the balcony as well, but I didn’t have time. It was 11:15 am and I needed to get a shower, take pups out and make my way to group. So did all that, had a banana before I left because group pretty much falls on lunch time…plus travel time too.
Group was good. It was nice to be back. Although from April we have to pay £3 just to attend….its sick as this should be funded by the mental health system but its not! It’s something that’s really helped me and its my only formal support as I only see my psych every 3 months. So yeah, I will be able to afford it each week. But I just don’t think that’s how it should be as I didn’t chose to have mental health issues did I? So why should I have to PAY for something that should be funded by the so called people that care for us…Urgh makes me angry. The group isn’t run by the mental health system, but its a part of a mental health charity called Mind. Our group is called mindout which is apart of Dorset Mind. Our government…I think local or national I’m not sure is cutting a further 25% of the money to the mental health services. It’s utterly DISGUSTING! We are already failed greatly by a system that is meant to care for us, cutting MORE money is only going to make it worse, more people are going to die! It’s sick! Rant over…I could go on and on lol
At group I set myself some goals. I can’t remember all of what I wrote down, but one is to continue my recovery from self harm. I am currently 17 months self harm free and the longest I’ve EVER gone. It’s been hard and I’ve been tempted and I’ve wanted to give in. But I’ve stuck too it, I think that when I reach the 2 year mark maybe it will just be…hmm I want to say easier..but it will always be my addiction and I will always be in recovery from it. Each month that goes by is a small victory, a battle I will fight each day. I may not win the war, but I will never stop fighting. Another goal is the get back to pre-quetiapine weight, which right now is coming off quickly, but I know that will slow down. I am going to try and continue to eat well, eat less crap and move more. I also wanted to learn more about my bipolar and ADHD, as I think so far my learning of my mental health has been purely the borderline personality disorder, so now I am recovered from that with the help of DBT and I work every day on some of the skills. I’m left with not knowing what is the bipolar and what is the ADHD. I think if I can know the difference and maybe learn how to deal with each of them, maybe I could be medication free…that would be good. So M suggested a place called the R.E.C which stands for Recovery Education Centre, they do all sorts of courses for understanding your own mental health etc, so I’ve emailed them this evening, so waiting for a response. They also do a peer support thing too, where you can share your experiences with others to help them, so that sounds really good, something I am really interested in 🙂 So yeah this boy has a good plan.
I got home to my two VERY happy puppies ❤ Ah love coming home to them! My gorgeous babies. Gave them cuddles got them ready to take across the road for a quick run, scrappy loved playing fetch. Got home and sorted out my veg ready for dinner, hung the washing up and put another load in. Dished up dinner which was so lovely. I’d done a nice beef joint in the slow cooker, had it with mash and veg. Lush!
This evening I’ve just been chilling. Foxy has been a bit cold since her hair cut, so I got my favourite purple blanket out and put it on the sofa next to me and snuggled her up, scrappy soon joined in and then so did Marley. It was so sweet, all of them snuggled together ❤ makes me heart melt. They are so gorgeous.
I strongly believe my dogs saved my life. They make me happy, they make me leave the house each day and because I walk them we meet new people and other dogs, its such a social thing. I now love going out in all different types of weather because its for them and there’s something quite refreshing about walking in all sorts of weather. I would go to the ends of the earth and back again for those pups ❤ They help keep me recovered. ❤