Earth is waking up

We are heading towards spring and I couldn’t be happier, I’ve really struggled this winter with the darkness and near constant rain that we’ve had this winter.

The nights are slowly starting to get lighter again a bit later each day, the weather seems to be settling down too, although we have a storm heading our way this weekend.

I feel like I’m very slowly emerging out of my cocoon, just like the flowers which are slowly starting to bloom.

Still having days where things feel so intense and I just can’t face the outside world but I’m still pushing myself to get out at least a few times a week. I can’t hibernate forever lol!

Tuesday was a beautiful day and after a few days of feeling groggy and struggling with my chronic pain and fatigue, I woke up on Tuesday feeling a bit more human and the sun was shining, so I decided to take the dogs out for a walk and I’m glad I did.

It was so beautiful, lots of snowdrops and other gorgeous flowers blooming away and it was fairly quiet as well, we didn’t see many people out, until we got closer to the beach.

It was so peaceful and relaxing, it was definitely needed. The dogs had fun running around and I got some great pictures of everything. I love looking at life through the lens, finding beauty in everything I see.

I hope you enjoy my pictures,

I love being outside with my dogs, I feel so at peace. It seems to be the only place where my mind is fairly quiet. I feel like I can breathe when I’m out in nature, I feel at home.

Peace out

Zak

Hibernation mode

I’ve been really struggling to write on a regular basis, even though I know it helps me. I’ve been trying to write in my notebook, as that feels a bit less pressure then writing my blog, as it doesn’t have to make sense, or even full sentences. It’s mainly just random, partially formed thoughts, that are rolling around in my head.

I’ve had a lot of blog ideas, stuff I want to write about, delve deeper into. But I just haven’t had the motivation to do so.

The weather has been so sucky recently, we’ve had so much rain! There’s been very few nice days in what feels like forever! and this really hasn’t helped with my low mood, lack of motivation.

I’ve also been overeating, ugh! which makes me feel so shitty. Throughout December my excuse for eating crap was its Christmas, so it was cool to eat crap. But I was cooking dinner for myself every day, which in the past I’ve really struggled with. In recent weeks, I’ve kind of lost control over my eating and I’ve been eating too much, eating when I’m not even hungry and eating more crappy shit then I actually did in December.

I’ve recognised that I am overeating due to low mood and being bored, which is the first step to getting my eating back to not normal but eating less. I’ve stopped buying in crappy snacks and I’ve been trying intermittent fasting, which has helped me in the past to regain control over my overeating.

I know this will help improve my mood, as overeating makes me feel so crap and I’ve put on so much weight as well, which makes me feel so gross about myself. Now I’m on testosterone any weight I put on goes straight to my stomach and man I just look like a pot bellied pig right now! I already have pretty low self esteem and right now its really low.

Since December, I’ve been in hibernation mode, eating snacks and mainly staying at home on my own, out of choice. It’s been great, I’ve really needed to recharge and relax. Usually I don’t like being alone for too long and it in the past has effected my mood. But I’ve actually really enjoyed this time alone, I’ve not missed being around people, it hasn’t effected my mood like it usually does. It’s definitely been a huge spiritual change that I’ve been going through recently and it feels great. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of something great but I’m not quite ready to make that leap out of my cocoon and fly over the edge and that’s ok, things take time.

I’m still not ready to come out of hibernation mode just get and that’s cool, I just need to maybe push myself a little bit to write actual blog posts as well as my random notes I’ve got floating around in my millions of notebooks lol!

Peace out

Zak

Self Care

I’ve not written much about self care recently, as after surgery self care was kinda a given. I had to listen to my body and look after myself.

Recently I haven’t been feeling great, I’ve been feeling absolutely exhausted and generally just been feeling unwell, but not enough to definitely say I have an infection or something. It maybe a delayed reaction to surgery. But I see my specialist tomorrow morning so I’m hoping to get more answers.

So because of feeling so exhausted all , I’ve been listening to my body and resting and sleeping when I’ve needed too. Which sometimes is a little frustrating as I feel like I’ve wasted a day. But self care isn’t a waste of time.

Today I’ve been resting and sleeping, as I’ve felt so exhausted. I eventually got up and did the housework which always makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something.

Took the dogs out for a quick wee, it’s been so grey and miserable today. Despite that I decided to go into town. I got myself some frankincense essential oils, as it’s meant to help relax the chest and help with colds and infections. I went to lush to take in my old pots in exchange for a free pot of face mask stuff, I also got myself a shower bomb too. I then went to Asda to get a few things.

I could have easily just gone to Asda, but I knew I needed to get out for a bit. Even if it was just to a couple of places.

I’m pleased I treated myself to some self care things 🙂 It’s important to me to look after myself and my needs. It’s keeps me relatively well, physically and mentally.

It’s important to slow down and listen to what your body needs. You only have one body, there is only one you.

Certain self care aspects of my days are non negotiable, like taking my meds in the morning and evening, making sure I sleep when I need too, eating as and when I feel hungry, putting my incense sticks on in the morning and evening, doing housework every other day, attending appointments. There are more I could list but it would take a while.

I’m feeling pretty exhausted now, so I’m going to wrap it up. I’m not sure this blog will make much sense lol.

Peace out

Zak

Time for some self care

Recently I’ve been busy doing things and making sure everyone is doing ok, but I’ve neglected myself a bit. I haven’t really done things to make myself happy, I haven’t spent much time alone, doing my own things. Don’t get me wrong I love looking after my friends but if I’m not feeling 100% then how can I help anyone else.

On Friday when I got back from my volunteer work, I chilled out with my beautiful fur babies and I spent an hour or so across the road playing with the pups and some of their doggy friends which was nice. I spent some time gaming too, I’d not gamed properly for a while so it was cool to get lost in the worlds of Lego Dimensions. I can’t remember what else I did but I didn’t get to bed until nearly 2am.

Yesterday I pretty much just slept all day and man it was so good! I so needed it. I felt so calm and relaxed, just totally chilled out. I had my nephew for an hour or so, we took the pups for a run around and we had fun messing around. I spent all evening just relaxing too and like I said I just so needed it. I’ve not felt this relaxed in a while, bliss.

Today I woke up about 9 am and it took a few hours to get myself together lol, I did the housework, changed the bedsheets, I’ve still got a few loads of washing to do. It’s been too hot to walk the dogs, so we’ve just been relaxing, having cuddles and playing around. Today has been pretty productive but still really relaxing and I do feel so much better for taking a few days just to do nothing and look after myself.

I love being around people and doing things, making memories and helping anyone who needs my help but I do tend to forget to look after myself. I think its good to have some down time, whether it be a morning, a day or a few days. Time to look after yourself and your needs is so important because you cannot rely on another person to fulfil all your needs.

My favourite things to do to look after myself are, sleep or rest, spend time with my fur babies, spending time by the sea with my pups, watching films, putting lego sets together, eating my favourite food and drink, reading, mindfulness. That’s just a few of them

Self care is super important and its not at all selfish, sometimes its ok to say no and go off grid for a bit, sometimes its necessary to do that.

Anyway that’s enough of me rambling on about self care, I don’t have much planned for tomorrow. Its a bank holiday weekend here and in the UK so I’m sure they’ll be stuff happening somewhere. Its meant to be really hot again so I probably won’t walk the dogs until the evening when its cooled down.

Peace out

Batman

This shit it my life!

Wow what to write that isn’t about what I’ve been talking about for fucking weeks! I don’t even fucking care any more if all I am talking about is my current situation because this current situation is so fucked up and is having a fucking massive impact on my life and my health.

So I hadn’t heard from Diverse abilities since I saw the lady to go through my appeal which was on the 1st February. I left another message with the office and the lady rang me back in the afternoon, now she said she didn’t send my form back until the 10th February and in the pit of my stomach I instantly knew that she’d fucked it up! Now she said give it another week but I couldn’t let any more time elapse, so I rang up the Personal Independent Payment which is a premium number, which in itself is a JOKE! But the lady I spoke to was really nice and she said they didn’t get my appeal until 16th February which was too late! they needed it by fucking 12th February! This is a massive fucking cock up! She said she will see if they will open the appeal again if not then I will have to start the whole process all over again! So I have paid a charity to help me only to have it fucked right up! Well I could have done that all by myself! Suffice to say I was extremely angry and could barely keep my shit together, I cried on the phone to the PIP lady and I cried whilst talking to the Diverse Abilities lady. The anger had to come out somehow and that was the most healthiest way. Nothing I can do now until Mon, so I will be talking to my Diverse Abilities lady again to see what the plan of action is, she needs to sort this out.

I just cannot believe this was just completely fucked up so fucking bad, so now I have to wait another 8-9 fucking weeks for the appeal process! I literally want to throw myself on the floor and have a full on tantrum like a toddler because I am that fucking frustrated with this whole thing. This is my fucking LIFE they are cocking about with! I mean WTF! It is beyond and joke and borderlining on cruelty! Literally do not know how much more of this bullshit I can deal with, its getting just too too much for me to deal with.

So my money lands on the end and first of the month, which is when two big bills come out… so it isn’t going to leave me with much money, well no money for anything, not even food. I am going to have to look at the next few months and see when these big bills come out and see if I will be able to afford them or not, if not then I will have to re-evaluate my outgoings and that possibly will mean having to cut off my internet and tv, but I will sit and work it out. Another thing I don’t have the energy for, it makes me feel tired just thinking about it, I hate maths!

I had to ask a friend for money for this fortnight just so I can survive. Now I HATE asking anyone for help with anything but I was desperate. This person I have pretty much known all my life and we’ve faced life’s hardships together and we’ve always helped each other out when either one is in need. This made me feel much better about her helping me because it feels more on par and I know when she needs help I can return the favour. So she’s saved my ass big time, this fortnight I will be able to pay my bills and eat. Another friend did offer to help but I don’t want to feel or be in debt to that person as I cannot afford to pay it back.

I am glad that Ian Duncan Smith has resigned but its not because he feels the government has gone too far, its because he’s saving his own ass and leaving before shit blows up!

Something I saw today and totally believe!

Our country cannot go on with these bastards killing off the sick, the disabled and the already impoverished. We cannot let this go on but how the hell do you beat the elite, they are already corrupt to the very core. I can feel an unrest with in society and within the things I read from people like me and I do think there will be an uprising of some kind.

So to change to subject to one that’s a bit more calm.. Today I took the pups for a proper walk for the first time in a week, I’ve not been well enough to go far and my depression as once again kept me housebound too. It was cold and windy today but it felt good to be out from within my four walls. The pups enjoyed it as well which always makes me feel good. I felt like the legs were going to fall off when I got home lol.

Just been relaxing the rest of today, or at least trying too. I have so much crap constantly running through my little brain, its really hard to switch of from. I find that playing the candy crush games and doing word searches helps distract me and helps me switch off the constant running commentary that I hear 24/7.

I am always banging on about how self care is essential to my continuing recovery…I am finding it extremely difficult to do, even the little things are hard. Its hard not to be awake all night and sleep all day, its hard to get out everyday, hard to do the housework, I’m just finding it hard to keep my shit together day to day. But I am trying to do one thing each day that is self care, just to keep afloat.

So how in this moment right now do I feel? I feel empty, my body hurts and I am tired. I really don’t know how I am going to continue, I’ve literally had my fill of this BS, it has to turn around soon, something HAS to start going well…right?! Just living hour by hour is taxing, I feel so powerless to change or stop any of this.

^^ Seem to totally fit today. I hope this has a good ending.

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

^^ Love this photo of my beautiful Scrappy Doodles

^^ I love living here ❤

^^ My beautiful Marley Moo

 My playful Harley ❤

I love my fur babies so much and they keep me going, they keep me company with them I am never alone ❤

Well that’s another depressive post written but hey this is shit is my life!

Peace out

Batman

Don’t listen to that little dark voice.

A lot has changed in 3 days, a good kind of change though. I’m feeling much better then I did when I last posted on Wednesday. I am much more articulate now and I am able to write a decent sentence…Well I hope so anyway.

On Thursday I wasn’t going to go to my LGBT mental health group, I just didn’t want to go. The little dark voice was whispering in my ear saying “don’t go” “you’ll have a better day at home” “you don’t need that group anyway” etc you get the picture, the depression whispering lies into my ear constantly, trying to keep me at home, keeping me away from people, keeping me from helping myself to push through and feel better. Because the dark voice disappears if I ignore him, so he shouts as loud as he can for as long as he can, until the little ray of light starts talking sense, telling me that there is hope and I will feel better again.

That little ray of light gets louder and stronger the more I pushed on with my day. He got a little louder after I had my breakfast, a little louder still after having a shower and getting dressed. The dark voice was shouting too both in equal measure, my head was so loud but I knew what path I had to follow. I carried on and took the dogs out for a walk, I kept having to sit down as the dark voice was making my body feel so heavy and weak but I pushed through. By this point both voices were raging at each other, I was just listening to them both, both made good points. But ultimately listening to the dark voice would mean just perpetuating the liar that is depression, he would win, the only way I was going to feel better is if I listened to the light voice and went to group.

So I managed to get my stuff together, it took every fibre of my being to do this. As I walked out the front door, locking it behind me, the dark voice realised he’s lost. So he went back to whispering softly in my ear, whispering things like “you won’t have a good day” “you’re stupid” etc… :/

By the time I got on the bus, my head was fairly quite again and my whole being felt so exhausted. I kept falling asleep on the bus trip and very nearly missed my stop but I suddenly realised where I was and pressed the button to get off.

Group itself was good, I don’t remember what we did but I think that’s because it was such a huge battle to just get there, I struggled to be present. But I was there, I stayed, I participated as much as I could and I felt better as a result.

I still didn’t feel 100% better but I felt more myself for going out. I had a good evening, I made myself dinner, played with the pups while waiting for my food shopping, snacked on a peanut butter and syrup sandwich and went to bed.

Friday I went to the Weymouth LGBT mental health group and again it was a bit of a battle to get up and ready, but the struggle wasn’t nearly as bad as the day before. So it just goes to show that my mood was on the way back to normality again.

As always the journey there and back was good and the session itself was good. I think I’ve been going to that group for about a year now, which is cool and makes me proud 🙂

Got home from group about 6pm, I was so tired but I took the pups out for a quick wee and run. When we got back in I stripped off, my binder was hurting so off that came, jeans came off and were replaced by joggy bottoms, although if it was warmer I would just be walking about in boxers and top…but its still too cold for that unfortunately.

I had no energy or motivation to do anything, so I flopped onto the sofa, narrowly missing Harley and Foxy who were both on the sofa, waiting for attention. I reclined both sides of the sofa and I was soon surrounded by all four of my fur babies, I didn’t however appreciate scrappy standing on my back because he’s so freaking heavy! It was nice though, I spent about an hour just laying in silence, with my babies all round me.

Managed to muster up the energy to make myself some dinner which was nice. I just spent the evening watching tv and chatting to friends online.

Today the sun was out and it was like a cool spring day, its been so nice. Before I could go and enjoy the sunshine, I did the housework as its been a bit neglected this week due to my low mood . I felt better for doing it and the place no longer smelt of stinky cat litter, which isn’t a good smell.

I got myself together and I took the dogs for a walk and we went on the longer route. I thought it a bit ambitious of me to walk the long way and it worked out that yeah it was a bit ambitious. I kept having to sit down and resting along the way, but that was ok as I got to just sit in be in the moment.

Once again when I got in, I stripped off the chest binder and my jeans and adopted the much more comfortable joggy bottoms and I rested for a bit with my babies.

I started my dinner early as its quite a time consuming dish and didn’t want to eat too late in the night. I made myself a chicken and leek pie and it was very nice if I do say so myself. I did the washing up as I went along so it wasn’t overwhelming.

I have spent my evening playing with the animals and listening to music. Which makes a change from having the TV on all night and its been a nice change.

Recently I’ve been conscious about the amount of time I spend on my phone, laptop, ps3 and watching tv and I know that it doesn’t always have a good effect on me. So I’ve been switching off my mobile phone, not going on the laptop every night, now watching tv every day. I’ve been mixing up my routine a bit more, cuz before I would watch certain things in the day, then spend all evening with the TV on and my laptop on.

I like people not texting and talking to me all day long, sometimes I just turn my phone off and sit and play with the dogs, or do some colouring or whatever. Not having to be plugged in 24/7 is very freeing, just to sit and be in the moment and to be in whatever is going on around me is nice. It means I’m not missing out on spending quality time with friends or the animals, I’m not missing out on moments because I am not being sucked into my phone. I am learning more and more how to just be and it is difficult but I have found that if one of my senses is being occupied then I can be in the moment, being still and quiet.

I know people worry when I don’t text straight back or whatever but they don’t need to worry because I am ok, I’m just going back to basics.

So after sitting here for about 3 hours writing, well not solidly I may add, how do I feel? I feel calm, happy and connected with myself. I feel hopeful and excited to see L tomorrow for her birthday 🙂

My life is by far simple but I somehow get myself through it, I will drag myself through this life kicking and screaming until the very end! I will not give up, that dark voice will NEVER win the war.

That is all for now, as my heads starting to hurt from looking at the screen. Glad I took the time to update this though, as its been a while and I always feel better for getting it all out and hopefully I will sleep peacefully tonight.

Peace out

Batman

Over did it – catch up

I’ve not posted for a week and that’s because I’ve been so busy, I haven’t really stopped until today. Its been great and I’ve been having a good time but I’ve totally over done it and I feel so awful today, so exhausted.

I’ll do a quick catch up of what I’ve been up too this week.

Wednesday – I don’t really remember much from this day as its so long as. But I remember I had to stay in for someone to come and lower my shower pole, so I can now reach it when sat on my shower stool. I rang up the RSPCA to get a voucher to get Harley Spayed and microchipped. I think I just relaxed and pottered about the flat, doing the housework and laundry.

Thursday – This day was SO long! I saw my bone doc in the morning and WOW that was a real shit appointment and I really despise her!

This was my FB status about it..

I really dislike my bone doc. She doesn’t listen and she doesn’t care! I asked for my whole condition/symptoms to be reviewed and she kept asking me what I meant… If I want my hyper mobility looked into I have to ask my gp to refer me to some genetic place in Southampton… She wasn’t really clear about this.

She’s still banging on about coming off steroids… So in a few weeks after my blood results today I get to start azathioprine and it that goes well then she wants to start lowering steroids again…

My bloods are all negative and have been for ages but it doesn’t explain my constant sinus infection, the chronic pain and fatigue…
And she just put the burst blood vessel in my finger down to steroids and again she didn’t even take a close look, she just glanced at it.
I really dislike her.

But I didn’t write that she wanted to examine me, which is fine and I am totally used to that. So I took off my jumper and jeans but she asked me to take my off so she could listen to my chest…I refused too as she can listen to my chest without me being completely undressed. She did listen to my chest with my top still on but that’s not the point, she was totally out of order. She’s knows I’m trans and she obviously has no understanding and no desire to understand. Needless to say my gender dysphoria was horrific afterwards.

After that I headed straight to group, which was cool as usual 🙂

http://www.dorsetmind.org.uk/

I went and had fuzzy hair cut an styled, so I look much better now 🙂 I always feel so good after a haircut.

Met L and Boo Boo in town for a bit and then took Boo Boo home with me. Got home, sorted out Boo’s stuff, played with him for a bit, cooked us dinner, took pups for a wee, played a bit more and then put Boo to bed. I just spent the evening relaxing and watching tv.

Friday – Albert had me up early, so we went into the lounge and I put frozen on for him and I napped on the sofa for a bit, I wasn’t ready to be up at 7 am! But after that I was totally ready and we both had breakfast, Frozen was put on for a 2nd time and then we both had a shower an got dressed.

Took the pups for a quick wee and run around, which Boo Boo had fun playing with the pups. Dropped the pups home and Boo’s pushchair and walked over to the park, where we played for about an hour. I had to then bribe him into walking to a shop I needed to go to, I said I’d buy him chocolate if he left the park.

We just chilled out in the afternoon, doing lots of colouring and watching Disney films, he really got into Tangled which is one of my favourite films. I love Disney so I didn’t mind spending all afternoon watching them with Boo.

Boo and I had dinner and it was actually nice to have dinner with someone, rather then cooking for just myself. I did have to encourage him to eat it though, as he’s two and a half now and definitely asserting his right to say no, I don’t like it! Plus his taste buds are changing too, he’s gone from eating anything to very little, although he will eat chocolate all day every day lol.

We chilled out after dinner, playing with his dinosaurs and cars. He then asked me to read his book so he could go to bed, it was so sweet. Again in the evening I just spent clearing up and then relaxing.

Saturday – Boo had me up at 7:30 am..wanting to watch Frozen again! While he was doing that I had a little sleep on the sofa, as I do not do early mornings.

Again he wanted a shower with me and when we got dressed we both had Batman t-shirts on 🙂 Took the pups for a wee and a run across the road, so Boo had fun playing with them. He’s so good with the dogs, its so cute.

Boo and I had some lunch, I got his stuff together and cleaned up a bit. Then got the bus and dropped him off with his dad’s family, as L was still really ill and needed a little more time to recover.

I went over to see L and Harvey and as soon as I walked in Harvey was showing me his minecraft and what he’s been building, which is pretty cool actually. I took Arnie around the block for a quick walk and wee.

Headed home and while I was sat on the bus I had a migraine start…and I didn’t have any sumatriptan left!! While I was walking home, through town I nipped into the chemist and bought some sumatriptan, got in and stripped off, got into my pjs, took my Tramadol and got into bed. I hate migraines so much, all I can do is sleep when I get one.

I slept for an hour, I then had dinner, got a shower, got dressed into my new fancy shirt and jeans, took the pups for a quick wee and then E picked me up for J’s birthday party.

It was such a good night, I talked to loads of new people. I even got into a club without being asked for I.D which is great as I don’t have I.D lol!

Sunday – I got up quite early considering I got to sleep quite late. Did my usual morning stuff, got me and the pups ready and got the bus over to L’s.

We spent all day there which was cool, I went out and got some food shopping, I took the pups around the block for a wee. Then chilled out for a bit as I was so achy, probably because I was really tired. Then Harvey and I took the pups down to the park for an hour, he rode his bike as he wanted to show me how well he can do it now. So that was cool just spending some time with me and him, gave L a chance to have a lil snooze. When dinner was ready I sorted it all out. Afterwards I fixed the nob on her slow cooker as she’d managed to melt it…yeah don’t ask lol!

I think I left about half 8 pm, got home and jumped in the shower, got into bed and was sound asleep by 10:40pm.

Monday – I woke up quite early, ate a packet of jaffa cakes and got back into bed until lunch time…I totally needed it. Did the housework and laundry, took the pups for a wee. Sorted out my meds for the week, sorted out my list of what’s going on for the week. Then in the evening I went to the Breakfree trans group social. Which as always was a good laugh, even if it was just the 3 of us lol.

Today – I woke up this morning and I didn’t feel good, I hurt all over, I felt weak and tired, my nose was all blocked. So I just had some breakfast and went back to bed until lunchtime.

Dragged myself into the shower, then got dressed and took the pups for a wee but it started raining, so we came back and I got into my joggy bottoms, as I was still so achy and feeling delicate. Spent the afternoon catching up with X-files and Gotham, while I went through the box of Lego Harvey gave me. Most of it was just random bits and fake Lego, so chucked that out and I was left with a handful of real Lego bits. I then decided to sort through my Lego into bags of their colours.

I did go out for a bit to get electric and to pay my rent, I needed to stretch my legs a bit. Also went to Asda chemist to re-order more meds.

Just been relaxing this evening, had dinner, ordered my food shopping and caught up with emails and stuff.

How do I feel right now? I’m exhausted, I’m achy and I do feel frustrated with all my health crap because it gets my down so much. I feel ok-ish just a bit low but nothing I can’t handle.

Tomorrow I am meeting my Nan and Grandad for the first time since I wrote “that” letter. I’m a bit nervous about it especially as I’m physically not feeling great and not on top form. I’m sure it will be ok…

The mothership text me the other day and asked if she was seeing my for my birthday (which is next week) and I just said I don’t know and she said ok. To be honest no I don’t want to see her but she’s not getting the hint. Whatever though.. she’s a stress I don’t need in my life right now. She’s a negative influence in my life, that sounds awful as she gave birth to me, but regarding me emotionally she hasn’t put an ounce of anything into me. Yes I was always, fed, clothed and had a roof over my head but my emotional needs were never met. Anyway its just a complicated situation and I don’t want her in my life.

Little Harley is booked in this Friday to get spayed and chipped 😦 got to starve her from 8 pm Thursday night. Going to miss her, she’s not been away from me since I’ve had her.

Overall I have been doing ok considering everything I deal with on a daily basis, it is a struggle and it is hard. But I keep pushing through cuz daddy didn’t raise no quitter!

As usual I do have loads of pictures but I shall do that in a separate post.

Peace out

Batman

Chronic pain and fatigue

Days like today just reinforces my limitations of daily life. Yesterday was great fun but today I could barely drag my body around. All my anger towards this illness surfaces on days like today and I’ve got to try and “deal/process” it which is incredibly hard, especially as I’ve had zero emotional support surrounding my physical health issues.

Before I carry on I’ll have a quick update about the last few days.

Sunday – Didn’t really do anything just slept a lot, I was hurting from head to toe. I did go to my brothers for a few hours for dinner, which was nice. When I got home I spent a little time on the laptop but then spent the rest of the evening playing Lego Jurassic world.

Monday – I struggled to get going in the morning, I managed to drag myself around to do the housework and have a shower. Just in time for my friend to drop her boy over, for some boy time. We took the pups out for a quick wee, went and got some biscuits and then spent the rest of the time watching cartoons 🙂 which is a morning well spent in my mind.

In the afternoon I met L and the boys, went for a short walk. It was too cold to go far. They spent the rest of the day at mine, we played with the pups, watched Frozen and did some colouring. It was so much fun, I love playing with the pups an Albert. Harvey is much harder to engage with, as all he wants to do is either play on my ps3 or play fight, which he’s starting to get far to big for now. He’s nearly 9 and getting taller and stronger, he has no interest in colouring in, or anything where you have to sit and use your imagination. I really want to find something I can get him to engage with, as otherwise I feel like he’s a bit left out. He just ends up playing by himself in his own world, but it’s such repetitive play, just the same thing over and over every single time he comes round and even when he’s at home. Its just finding something that’s not play fighting or gaming related to get him to do something else. Its really difficult because when I ask him what he wants to do, he doesn’t really know. He does have potential to do whatever he wants its just unlocking it and finding him a hobby or a different form of play. Autism is complicated, but I will not be beaten and I will get inside his lil brain to unlock him. It fascinates me so much and I really want to help get him involved when we are all playing, I want to get him included but its hard when he won’t join in.

Anyway they left about nearly an hour before I was leaving to go to my trans group social. Which was good as usual 🙂

So back to today, I woke up at 8 am had a pee and went back to sleep until half 10. I still felt really tired and so achy, as I’d ran out of Tramadol and needed to pick my prescription up from the chemist.

I barely managed to get a shower and get dressed. I dragged myself across the road to let the pups run around, I just sat on the bench watching them. I just couldn’t walk around, my whole body felt heavy and slow.

Dropped the pups home and dragged my ass down to the shop to pick up my Tramadol and got a few other bits I needed. While I was in there, I suddenly felt this weird feeling in one of my fingers, if felt like it was about to explode…it was just a burst blood vessel. So I now have a very swollen and bruised finger..urgh.

I just spent all afternoon relaxing, I did try and sleep but I just couldn’t! Which was fucking annoying, I was tired enough for a sleep but I was just in too much pain. I couldn’t get comfortable, I couldn’t relax enough 😦 stupid painsomina.

Just been binge watching things I’ve recorded on sky, whilst playing fetch with Scrappy and the laser pen with both of them, also been playing with the cats. I just sit on the floor and they all surround me 🙂 I love it. They make days like today a bit easier to deal with…well along with some cookies!

I don’t have much planned for tomorrow either, I have to wait in for someone to come and lower my shower pole for me. Its too high for me to reach when I’m sat on the stool and I can’t raise my arms above my head for too long.

I still feel extremely exhausted so another day of rest is probably a good plan. I don’t get too bored staying in these days, mainly because of the dogs but I’ve really got into gaming and all my Lego I have now. I have more hobbies and things I like to to, whereas in the past I hated being bored because I never knew what to do, I didn’t have much to do. I’m able to focus myself more now into a specific task. I hate being bored, it really effects my mood and makes it really low.

 Both my babies have bandanna’s now 😀 they look so cute!

Anyway that’s all for now, I need to rest my eyes from this screen.

Peace out

Batman

Happy, content and refreshed

The mid week slump was much needed, I was totally wiped out by Wednesday afternoon and I had to stop everything I was doing and just sleep. I think that this in part has helped with my mood, I feel good, happy and refreshed. It feels nice but a bit weird, just trying to hold onto it and not look to destroy it.

We had a really nice sunny day on Thursday, wow I felt great! So energised and happy. Even my neighbour said I look really refreshed.

It was the first day of wearing my sports bra all day and that also contributed to my good mood. It hurt like hell at the end of the day, my ribs an back ached so so much! But it was worth it, I felt great! I’m not going to wear it all day every day, will have to build up to it. Plus as its cold I can get away with wearing hoodies so my chest looks less noticeable.

Group was good on Thursday, M and I agreed that I could use the group as I did before, whilst also being a volunteer. Which is great because I get to help but also continue getting support, its a good balance.

M dropped me home, which cut loads of time of my usual journey. I got home, threw my bag on the floor, peed and grabbed the dogs and went for a walk down Baiter. It was so nice and the pups loved it, we caught the sunset which was so beautiful ❤

I was glad to have dinner already made, I just had to heat it up. I was achy and tired after walking the pups but I felt happy, I love being out with them and it was definitely worth the pain! I then played Lego Jurassic world for the rest of the evening. I’m cutting down the amount of time I spend online, just because I see so much crap on social media and it does have a negative effect on me. Plus playing my games or doing Lego feels much more productive and it makes me feel loads better then surfing the web all night.

Friday M and I went to the Weymouth group, the group met for lunch before hand and it was really nice. I couldn’t eat my lunch any quicker lol, it was so yum! The session itself went well, I really enjoy this group. M and I had quite a deep chat on the way home, which is unusual for us, it’s usually quite light and funny. But it was good though and very much appreciated.

I got in and took the dogs straight across the road for a run, I met my sister in law to pick up Leo for a few hours. They both needed a few hours without a screaming child lol…so I got him! He was tired and teething, after he played with scrappy for a bit I managed to get him off to sleep in his pushchair for an hour, so I could eat and relax.

I ate loads today, I had 3 crumpets and 2 pancakes for breakfast, I had a jacket potato for lunch, then biscuits and I had more crumpets and pancakes for dinner. Its the first day in so long that I’ve felt really hungry and have snacked between meals and I ate without even thinking about it and without it being such a huge stress.

After they picked up my lil chubs and robbed all my sweets lol! As they always do when they come over, but I hide the good stuff!! I played Lego Jurassic world for a few hours, I got sucked into and away from my head. I love it so much 🙂 makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. I’ve never completed a game 100% before, so I’m already half way through now 53% 🙂

I got to bed and sleep just after 1 am I think. I woke up at 9 am, had breakfast and went back to sleep until midday 🙂 I felt nice and refreshed, ready for another day.

Did the housework, had a shower and got dressed. Not wearing my sports bra today though, my chest bones are still recovering from wearing it all day Thursday.

Took the pups across the road for a run and wee, before walking through to high street to the bus stop. Its a Saturday so it will be busy and the last thing I need is for them to stop and poop in the street lol! Because they are small people don’t see them, I don’t like walking through the high street on a Saturday let alone with the dogs.

I took the pups to their vets appointment, just for flea treatment but I prefer to have an appointment so I remember when they are due what treatment. Mr Scrappy has put on 200gs, he’s now 6.7kgs! She said he should maximum weight now as he’s nearly 2 years old and should be finished growing. She’s happy that they are both happy and healthy and that now for a while Foxy has been maintaining her weight, rather it then dropping up and down all the time. I think a better quality of food has helped so much with her in so many aspects 🙂

I got home and chilled out for a bit, I then sat and played Lego Jurassic world for a bit, going round collecting more Amber and gold bricks. Had myself some dinner, I had gammon that I’d made on a previous night, which was nice.

I spent some time making some cakes and cheese biscuits, which I always enjoy. I’m going to my brothers for dinner tomorrow, so will take some of each with me.

Spent the rest of the evening catching up on online, social media stuff and writing my blog of course.

How do I feel right now? I feel happy, content and refreshed. I can’t put my finger on why, its probably to do with a few things. But I’m not going to analyse it, I’m just going to enjoy it and hope it lasts.

Here are some pictures from the last few days.

 Pups loved their walk on Thursday and didn’t want to go home.

 Foxy taking in her surroundings ❤ she looks so peaceful and happy

 Typical pose for my boy, willing that ball to move lol.

 Foxy in her pjs, chowing down on treats 🙂

 My gorgeous boy didn’t want me to leave him.

 The view from the room for out Weymouth LGBT mental health group.

 Eating the last cookie, whilst waiting for M to pee before we left. I was feeling pretty goofy 🙂

 Pups all ready for bed, they are such lil posers.

 Marley moo loves sleeping in bed with me

 Harley checking out what everyone was doing.

 Home made cakes are the best!

 Home made cheese biscuits are the best!

 The pups waiting for anything to drop on the floor lol

 Harley checking out what’s going on as usual.

That’s it for now, will be around again soon.

Peace out

Batman

Tired and achy but feeling happy

Right now I’m too tired to write but I am too tired to move and do anything else… I’m just glad I got through another stressful week with minimal damage.

I’m still not feeling any better then I felt on Thursday, still exhausted, achy, snotty and chesty. I can’t wait to see the nurse tomorrow and get some antibiotics for a bit of relief.

Today my arm and hand that I fractured last year has been so achy today, my thumb is the worst it proper hurts. May need to wear the splint for a bit as a bit of support. But I’ll talk to the nurse about it tomorrow.

Friday I spent relaxing and looking after my needs, which I totally needed. I took the pups out for a walk, it was windy and raining but it was actually quite nice. Not one single person was down where we walked, felt like the only person in the world. Loved feeling the wind and rain on my face, made me feel alive. The pups needed a good run around as they’d not been out since last weekend. After I just spent some time watching TV and then played on the PS3 until dinner. I had gammon for dinner with dumplings and veg, it was so nice and even though my appetite is better I’ve not put on any weight, so I’m well happy with that, I’m still 8st 13lbs.

Saturday L and boo came over and spent the day and mine. It was a good day, me and boo played with trains and cars. We did try and go for a walk but it was so so windy down there and boo was tired so we didn’t go far. Boo fell asleep before we got home, so L and I watched Legend and I made more cheese biscuits mmmmmmm 🙂

After they left I had a little sleep because I was tired and in pain. I made myself dinner and played on the PS3 for about 4 hours, which I love so much.

Today I struggled to get going, I was so tired and felt rough. Still wanted to go out and do something though, hate sitting about even when I do feel ill.

My friend F picked up me and the pups and we went to the beach for a walk. Again it was really windy but at least it was dry and the pups had great fun running around going all crazy.

F and Benny came back to mine for a bit, which was nice. I changed into my joggy bottoms and sat and the floor and Benny kept rubbing himself all over me lol, he’s so sweet and didn’t leave my side bless him.

After they left I chilled out for a bit and eventually I just couldn’t stay awake any longer and fell asleep for about a hour. Cooked myself another nice dinner again tonight, so chuffed that I got my eating back on track quite quickly.

How do I feel right now? Like previous posts, I feel tired, achy and not too well. But my mood has improved and I feel happier then I have done this week. That’s down to seeing my friends, taking the pups out, eating properly, resting and sleeping, oh and playing my games on the PS3 🙂

It’s been a hell of a few weeks and it’s totally mashed my head up, loads of things have been churned up by this benefits process and my continuing counselling etc. But as usual with the help of my friends I’ve managed to pick myself and carry on. Sometimes I wonder how/why I carry on but I do, life is precious and some people don’t have the choice of living their life. But I do and I choose to carry on and live it as best as I can.

 This is how I feel

 Scrappy at Baiter on Friday

 A wind swept Foxy

 Pups chasing each other

 Boo didn’t like the wind

 Playing with trains 🙂

 Muscle boys!

 Selfie 🙂

 Aw selfie ❤

 Pups down the beach

 Another wind swept Foxy running on the beach

 Scrappy loving the beach

 I love the beach in the winter.

Peace out

Batman