A quick catch up

Just looking at when I last wrote and it was nearly 3 weeks ago, which feels like forever. I’ve struggled to sit down and concentrate mainly because I’ve been so exhausted but I’ve also been really struggling with disassociation, sometimes when I sit down I just feel frozen in place and I just cannot move, its so weird. It’s like part of my brain has just switched off but a tiny voice is still aware and awake, screaming at me but its too quiet to wake the rest of my brain up. It’s really frustrating as I have no control, so I try not to sit down to much so I’m not loosing chunks of time. But its not realistic, as much as its frustrating and makes me feel a big agitated I’m just letting it happen because it makes it worse if I fight against it. My brain is clearly just trying to protect me from something, I’m sure I’ll figure it out what.

That’s kinda where I’m at right now, still a bit depressed I think, which I have a real time accepting. Which makes the depression worse, I bully myself so much and I think as it was my birthday last week that exacerbated how I was already feeling as birthdays bring up so much stuff, which I’ll go more into in another post. Just writing this first to get the brain working and fired up lol!

It’s been really hard work to get myself organised and get stuff done as my brain is so foggy and so forgetful. Thoughts and stuff aren’t quite clear and sometimes don’t really make sense and aren’t in any order, which is making organising myself and my life pretty tricky. That plus my fatigue has been crappy as well, most days I’m not getting up and out till way past 12 pm but I’m trying not to be so hard on myself about it and just go with it. Although I do feel there’s a fine line between being lazy and resting and I’m not sure where that line even is at the moment.

I’m sure things will be less hazy soon, I kinda feel like I’m traipsing through thick, sticky mud and every task, every thought, just everything feels so heavy and so difficult. But I keep pushing through this mud, keep trying to find the beauty in every day, keep trying to smile and laugh every day. Its super hard, but I’ve been through this before, I know it passes, I know I will feel better eventually.

I’m still doing the weird breath holding thing, some days are worse then others. It’s starting to get frustrating as I can’t fix it. I think maybe its because I have things inside that have been left unsaid and I need to get them out. I need to write out some stuff out, not to post but to either pass on to the people I need to get stuff out too or just to get stuff out as a way of releasing it. I know its probably anxiety as well but deep routed as I don’t feel anxious. It probably doesn’t make sense but doesn’t make much sense to me lol.

I think I lost myself a little bit, I am changing and growing faster then can keep up with. But its been cool exploring new stuff, what sparks joy and passion and what doesn’t and who sparks joy and who doesn’t too. I do know I want to explore more, have more adventures, my confidence has grown so much and I am way more capable then I gave my self credit for. But I think that has a lot to do with leaving behind friendships where it was probably a bit codependent and just ended up being no good for anyone, not just me. I feel more free now, I don’t feel like life is on hold.

That’s all for this post but I have WAY more stuff to ramble on about lol! But I shall break it all down into different blogs.

Peace out

Zak

Time for some self care

Recently I’ve been busy doing things and making sure everyone is doing ok, but I’ve neglected myself a bit. I haven’t really done things to make myself happy, I haven’t spent much time alone, doing my own things. Don’t get me wrong I love looking after my friends but if I’m not feeling 100% then how can I help anyone else.

On Friday when I got back from my volunteer work, I chilled out with my beautiful fur babies and I spent an hour or so across the road playing with the pups and some of their doggy friends which was nice. I spent some time gaming too, I’d not gamed properly for a while so it was cool to get lost in the worlds of Lego Dimensions. I can’t remember what else I did but I didn’t get to bed until nearly 2am.

Yesterday I pretty much just slept all day and man it was so good! I so needed it. I felt so calm and relaxed, just totally chilled out. I had my nephew for an hour or so, we took the pups for a run around and we had fun messing around. I spent all evening just relaxing too and like I said I just so needed it. I’ve not felt this relaxed in a while, bliss.

Today I woke up about 9 am and it took a few hours to get myself together lol, I did the housework, changed the bedsheets, I’ve still got a few loads of washing to do. It’s been too hot to walk the dogs, so we’ve just been relaxing, having cuddles and playing around. Today has been pretty productive but still really relaxing and I do feel so much better for taking a few days just to do nothing and look after myself.

I love being around people and doing things, making memories and helping anyone who needs my help but I do tend to forget to look after myself. I think its good to have some down time, whether it be a morning, a day or a few days. Time to look after yourself and your needs is so important because you cannot rely on another person to fulfil all your needs.

My favourite things to do to look after myself are, sleep or rest, spend time with my fur babies, spending time by the sea with my pups, watching films, putting lego sets together, eating my favourite food and drink, reading, mindfulness. That’s just a few of them

Self care is super important and its not at all selfish, sometimes its ok to say no and go off grid for a bit, sometimes its necessary to do that.

Anyway that’s enough of me rambling on about self care, I don’t have much planned for tomorrow. Its a bank holiday weekend here and in the UK so I’m sure they’ll be stuff happening somewhere. Its meant to be really hot again so I probably won’t walk the dogs until the evening when its cooled down.

Peace out

Batman

Don’t listen to that little dark voice.

A lot has changed in 3 days, a good kind of change though. I’m feeling much better then I did when I last posted on Wednesday. I am much more articulate now and I am able to write a decent sentence…Well I hope so anyway.

On Thursday I wasn’t going to go to my LGBT mental health group, I just didn’t want to go. The little dark voice was whispering in my ear saying “don’t go” “you’ll have a better day at home” “you don’t need that group anyway” etc you get the picture, the depression whispering lies into my ear constantly, trying to keep me at home, keeping me away from people, keeping me from helping myself to push through and feel better. Because the dark voice disappears if I ignore him, so he shouts as loud as he can for as long as he can, until the little ray of light starts talking sense, telling me that there is hope and I will feel better again.

That little ray of light gets louder and stronger the more I pushed on with my day. He got a little louder after I had my breakfast, a little louder still after having a shower and getting dressed. The dark voice was shouting too both in equal measure, my head was so loud but I knew what path I had to follow. I carried on and took the dogs out for a walk, I kept having to sit down as the dark voice was making my body feel so heavy and weak but I pushed through. By this point both voices were raging at each other, I was just listening to them both, both made good points. But ultimately listening to the dark voice would mean just perpetuating the liar that is depression, he would win, the only way I was going to feel better is if I listened to the light voice and went to group.

So I managed to get my stuff together, it took every fibre of my being to do this. As I walked out the front door, locking it behind me, the dark voice realised he’s lost. So he went back to whispering softly in my ear, whispering things like “you won’t have a good day” “you’re stupid” etc… :/

By the time I got on the bus, my head was fairly quite again and my whole being felt so exhausted. I kept falling asleep on the bus trip and very nearly missed my stop but I suddenly realised where I was and pressed the button to get off.

Group itself was good, I don’t remember what we did but I think that’s because it was such a huge battle to just get there, I struggled to be present. But I was there, I stayed, I participated as much as I could and I felt better as a result.

I still didn’t feel 100% better but I felt more myself for going out. I had a good evening, I made myself dinner, played with the pups while waiting for my food shopping, snacked on a peanut butter and syrup sandwich and went to bed.

Friday I went to the Weymouth LGBT mental health group and again it was a bit of a battle to get up and ready, but the struggle wasn’t nearly as bad as the day before. So it just goes to show that my mood was on the way back to normality again.

As always the journey there and back was good and the session itself was good. I think I’ve been going to that group for about a year now, which is cool and makes me proud πŸ™‚

Got home from group about 6pm, I was so tired but I took the pups out for a quick wee and run. When we got back in I stripped off, my binder was hurting so off that came, jeans came off and were replaced by joggy bottoms, although if it was warmer I would just be walking about in boxers and top…but its still too cold for that unfortunately.

I had no energy or motivation to do anything, so I flopped onto the sofa, narrowly missing Harley and Foxy who were both on the sofa, waiting for attention. I reclined both sides of the sofa and I was soon surrounded by all four of my fur babies, I didn’t however appreciate scrappy standing on my back because he’s so freaking heavy! It was nice though, I spent about an hour just laying in silence, with my babies all round me.

Managed to muster up the energy to make myself some dinner which was nice. I just spent the evening watching tv and chatting to friends online.

Today the sun was out and it was like a cool spring day, its been so nice. Before I could go and enjoy the sunshine, I did the housework as its been a bit neglected this week due to my low mood . I felt better for doing it and the place no longer smelt of stinky cat litter, which isn’t a good smell.

I got myself together and I took the dogs for a walk and we went on the longer route. I thought it a bit ambitious of me to walk the long way and it worked out that yeah it was a bit ambitious. I kept having to sit down and resting along the way, but that was ok as I got to just sit in be in the moment.

Once again when I got in, I stripped off the chest binder and my jeans and adopted the much more comfortable joggy bottoms and I rested for a bit with my babies.

I started my dinner early as its quite a time consuming dish and didn’t want to eat too late in the night. I made myself a chicken and leek pie and it was very nice if I do say so myself. I did the washing up as I went along so it wasn’t overwhelming.

I have spent my evening playing with the animals and listening to music. Which makes a change from having the TV on all night and its been a nice change.

Recently I’ve been conscious about the amount of time I spend on my phone, laptop, ps3 and watching tv and I know that it doesn’t always have a good effect on me. So I’ve been switching off my mobile phone, not going on the laptop every night, now watching tv every day. I’ve been mixing up my routine a bit more, cuz before I would watch certain things in the day, then spend all evening with the TV on and my laptop on.

I like people not texting and talking to me all day long, sometimes I just turn my phone off and sit and play with the dogs, or do some colouring or whatever. Not having to be plugged in 24/7 is very freeing, just to sit and be in the moment and to be in whatever is going on around me is nice. It means I’m not missing out on spending quality time with friends or the animals, I’m not missing out on moments because I am not being sucked into my phone. I am learning more and more how to just be and it is difficult but I have found that if one of my senses is being occupied then I can be in the moment, being still and quiet.

I know people worry when I don’t text straight back or whatever but they don’t need to worry because I am ok, I’m just going back to basics.

So after sitting here for about 3 hours writing, well not solidly I may add, how do I feel? I feel calm, happy and connected with myself. I feel hopeful and excited to see L tomorrow for her birthday πŸ™‚

My life is by far simple but I somehow get myself through it, I will drag myself through this life kicking and screaming until the very end! I will not give up, that dark voice will NEVER win the war.

That is all for now, as my heads starting to hurt from looking at the screen. Glad I took the time to update this though, as its been a while and I always feel better for getting it all out and hopefully I will sleep peacefully tonight.

Peace out

Batman

Another allergic reaction to yet another antibiotic

I’m ALIVE! YAY! although I still look a bit like a zombie because I’m exhausted. But I am more human today thankfully.

I am so glad I didn’t start my antibiotics on Friday, I took them Tues night before going to bed and I woke up early hours Wednesday morning with severe stomach pains and shortly after came sickness and diarrhea. This carried on until just after midday, thankfully it didn’t last any longer because I couldn’t take my pain killers until I could keep water down.

I was in agony from head to toe, I couldn’t stop sleeping, I was freezing, I was virtually blue because I was so cold. I couldn’t get warm, my feet were the worst they were like ice blocks.

Managed to get up long enough to ask my next door neighbour to take the pups out for a wee for me, as I just couldn’t stand up long enough to do it myself and I needed to try and keep warm. He was so great and happily took them out for me and I was so so grateful for that.

My food shopping delivery came and I managed to throw it all into the right places in the kitchen, before collapsing back onto the sofa.

I did manage to stomach some Pepsi and just plain bread before taking my meds and going to bed…yeah cuz I needed more sleep…lol!

I slept like a log last night, the best nights sleep in ages actually. I didn’t wake up till 9 am and I went to sleep at about 11 pm. But I so needed it after being so ill yesterday.

I stayed in bed until just gone half 10am but I’d let scrappy out on the balcony to pee and left my bedroom door open so the cats could come in and the pups could go get a drink or food. It was nice relaxing in bed watching tv with all the animals in bed with me πŸ™‚

I managed to do the housework and do like 3 loads of laundry, the housework took a bit longer then usual because I kept having to stop and sit down. But I did it and felt loads better for it, the flat was an absolute bomb site lol.

Went over the road with the pups and they were off like little rockets bless them, racing around chasing each other. Luckily there are benches over there because again I kept having to sit down because I felt so weak.

After getting back with the pups I thought I better try and eat something filling but plain, so I made myself some rice and I ate it all and felt better for it.

Just relaxed and watched tv, played with the laser pen and made all the animals go crazy lol!

Spent some time playing Lego Dimensions with the new Ghostbusters level pack and the Joker and Harley Quinn team pack. Love this game so much, it always makes me feel happy.

I felt well enough to try to eat a bit of dinner and luckily I had a portion of beef stroganoff that was in the fridge, which is what I was planning on having for dinner yesterday but it was still ok to eat today. I didn’t make anything to go with it though and I’m glad I didn’t because it filled me up just on its own. I feel less weak now and back to my normal self.

After I’d eaten I noticed that my note pad had a list of medications on there that I had written down on Monday after I did my pill box up. This list of medication were ones I needed to re-order but I hadn’t done that yet. I took the pups out for a quick wee first, dropped them back and then went back out to re-order my medications. Glad it’s all sorted and I will be able to pick them up Mon evening.

Just been catching up on internet stuff this evening, I feel loads better then I did this morning, I just feel exhausted…well more then usual anyway lol.

So by my count I am now allergic to 6 antibiotics, which is very frustrating when I need them because of my stupid immune system!

How am I feeling right now? Other then extremely tired, I feel ok. Just relieved that the sickness is over. But yeah feeling ok is better then feeling low.

That’s all from this boy right now, I need to go get some sleep.

Peace out

Batman

This is what a good week feels like :)

I have had a long, busy but good week. I don’t really know where to start.

I’m feeling good though, despite the joint pain and the lingering sinus infection, I’ve been able to maintain a stable mood.

I was going to do a video blog this weekend but didn’t get around to it. Going to definitely try and do one at some point this week.

Mon 4th – I don’t remember much from Monday, as it’s so long ago now lol. I probably did the housework in the morning but I do remember I had a friend and her pup over in the afternoon for a few hours which was cool, I got us burger king for lunch and then we chilled out. I made myself a nice steak dinner.

Tues – 5th Just relaxed for most of the day until I had to go over to pick up Arnie from L’s as she was in hospital with an asthma attack. Didn’t really do much the rest of the day other then play with the pups and game.

Wednesday 6th – In the morning I did the housework, took the pups for a run and then picked up my nephew.

I looked in a few shops on the way back to mine with Leo, when we got back to mine I set Leo on the floor with his toys but he was happy playing with the pups lol.

I put dinner on in the slow cooker, sausage and bean casserole. Not made it for a while and it was really nice.

Lunch time, I fed Leo and I had something to eat too. He was getting sleepy so he went down for a nap for and hour. Whilst he was sleeping I filled out my forms for ESA. Not sure if they will be able to read it though, my writing is awful.

Played with Leo and the pups after his nap, then took him home.

I had dinner and chilled out for an hour or so, I was so so tired!

Then got the bus to take Arnie home, only stopped there for 10 mins and then walked over to my friends house, T&C. We exchanged our Christmas presents which was cool, they got me some nice things. I didn’t stay too late because I needed to get home to sleep.

Thursday 7th – I had a chilled out morning, then went to my Mindout LGBTQ mental health group. It was a good session πŸ™‚ I took part of the session where we talked about trans stuff, like the difference between trans and transvestite etc. They all loved the word search too πŸ™‚

After group I went to the hospital to get my bone density scan done, didn’t have to wait around too long and was pretty much in and out.

I don’t remember what happened in the evening, I’m tired so my brain fog is really bad right now.

Friday 8th – I slept well again, my sleep has been loads better since being on the 50 mgs of Quetiapine and my appetite has been better too. I’ve put on a 3lbs but as long as I don’t put on any more I will stay on this dose.

Had the Weymouth Mindout group and again I took part of the session on trans stuff and again it went well and I really enjoyed it πŸ™‚ I also got called gentleman by a police officer while I was tidying up.

Just chilled out in the evening, playing with the pups and the cats. I did the housework before going to bed so I didn’t have to worry about it over the weekend.

Saturday 9th – Had a relaxing morning, I took the pups across the road for a quick run an wee.

I watched a few animated Batman films and put my new Batman Lego set together which didn’t take long at all.

Spent time playing with the pups trying to tire them out. Didn’t really work though.

I spent a few hours gaming, playing blur. Ah love it! I got so into it, I kept shouting when I failed lol!

In the evening I had a friend over, we had Pizza hut, we talked and we watched a film called Sucker Punch, which is a top favourite of mine. After we went for a short walk with the dogs down the the Quay and back. It was nice spending time with E and she said today that it helped her too πŸ™‚

Sunday 10th – I slept until 11 am which was much needed. I got showered and dressed, went into town and got myself chilli cheese bites for lunch, I went to Asda to get a few bits in that I needed.

Had some lunch and messaged and friend to see if her and her dog wanted to go for a walk, so she came and picked me and the pups up. We went to Hamworthy park and we as got there is rained so so hard! It didn’t last long though thankfully, we were able to get out and walk the pups. They all got nice and wet and muddy! and me and F got some nice fresh air, which is always a good thing.

Came back to mine after the walk, towel dried off all the pups. Watched The Lego Movie πŸ™‚ and just chatted more. Which was really nice.

After I made some cheese biscuits, which were so simple to make and didn’t take long at all. I did it all by hand as I don’t have a blender, only a hand blender and that made a bit of a mess lol! But they are so nice but next time I will definitely use a bit more cheese.

Just been relaxing this evening πŸ™‚ and writing this has taken up most of my evening, but I don’t mind.

I have a bit of a quieter week a head, got my 1:1 gender counselling, will be meeting with a few different friends at some point or another, pups are both having their hair cut on Friday and obviously Mindout group on Thursday. So yeah should be a good week.

I am going to try and make myself a beef stroganoff at some point this week as I really enjoyed it when I had it Christmas eve. So I am going to see if I can cook it as well, I don’t see why not. A resolution of mine, which I just thought of today is to try and learn how to cook different meals, rather then just cook the same old thing all the time. I need to learn to cook different meals to mix it up a bit and maybe this will help with my food issues.

I do find cooking difficult for a few different reasons, one is the fact it takes energy and causes me joint pain. But with the stool that’s eased it a lot, so I can enjoy it more. I struggle with concentration and will wander away from what I am doing, so I can re-focus myself.. Although it has been known I stop to do something else getting completely engaged and nearly burning down the flat! and I struggle with timing as well, my maths is ok-ish. But I get the concept of time but I struggle with what 5 minutes feels like because sometimes 5 minutes to me feels like an hour..so I find it hard to judge time… haha I just got side tracked to see if I could find out why I can’t really judge how long a period of time is but couldn’t find anything. It’s probably the adhd and dyslexia. But anyway yeah it takes a LOT of energy, organisation and brain power for me to cook a meal, I can’t just do it on auto pilot, even meals I’ve cooked before I still have to look at the recipe to make sure it’s right.

Anyway that’s enough from me. I will let you all know if the cooking a new dish goes well for me or not…fingers crossed it will πŸ™‚

Oh I did have some awesome things happen this week, I got called Sir and Gentleman both on a separate occasion. So I was well happy with that πŸ™‚ it sadly doesn’t happen often at the moment. I’m sure it will in time and further along my transition.

Β Picture of Benny and the pups playing πŸ™‚

Β Cheese biscuits.

Β New Lego set

Β Harley and Marley πŸ™‚

Scrappy, Arnie and Foxy all watching me eat dinner lol!

Peace out

Batman

Christmas and New years madness.

Just sat staring at the laptop not quite sure what to write as it’s been a long but awesome week.

My feet have barely touched the floor because I’ve been so busy but it’s been a good busy and I’ve had great fun with my awesome friends.

So I’ll share with you all what happened for me this Christmas and prove that even with lots of things going on with my health, mental health and gender stuff that life is what you make it and I put things in place to make sure Christmas was a good one.

Christmas eve morning, I spent cleaning up the flat. I was so tired though lol, I kept sitting down and nearly falling back to sleep. The sinus infection is definitely taking it out of me.

Me and the pups got picked up and went to a friends house, we had such a good laugh, good food an good company. We played card games too which was so fun πŸ™‚ We did secret Santa which was fun too. It over all was an amazing Christmas eve and I am so blessed to have such amazing ladies in my life ❀ They were both very naughty and got me a present each which I wasn’t allowed to open until Christmas day.

When I got home my bro text me to say mother had dropped presents over his for me and I was so buzzing, feeling so good. So I decided to walk over to his to pick the presents up.

N was at my door when I got back from my brothers so that was cool πŸ™‚ I opened up my presents from mother and for the first time since I changed my name to Dyllan which is nearly 7 years ago now, this was even before gender stuff, mother put Dyllan in my Christmas card and on my presents… wtf! So telling her I don’t want to speak to her and she’s finally being respectful! and she got me something I actually like. I did text to thank her and we had a nice conversation, but yeah I am still going to be cautious with her I think…I don’t really know what to do with the whole situation, its all so messed up. So yeah..urgh whatever!

Christmas day morning, for some reason the dogs woke up at 7 am, I asked N what the fuck the time was and just rolled over and went back to sleep until nearly 9 am which is a much more reasonable hour then fucking 7 am lol!

We got up and had breakfast, watched tv and just chilled out for a bit. Then we did PRESENTS! eeeek! I was super excited. I bought N some presents πŸ™‚ and I open the presents from J and E and WOW omg! I was pretty much jumping off the walls with excitement, J had got me a Lego display case for my Lego mini figures πŸ˜€ and E got me Lego Jurassic world! OMG! like wow, I have the best friends ever and they know me so well πŸ˜€ I was so so chuffed, I couldn’t get over it. I’m sat smiling ear to ear now thinking about it.

I then opened up all the presents I got for the cats and the dogs πŸ™‚ and needless to say they didn’t waste any time in playing with their new presents, they got so much. I love spoiling my beautiful fur babies ❀

After cleaning up all the wrapping paper, which Harley was having fun jumping in, I sorted out dinner. I did a beef casserole in the slow cooker πŸ™‚ Then had myself a shower and put on my new T-shirt and socks from N. I love the feeling of new clothes.

The weather was so awful all day long, so we couldn’t take the pups for a walk like I normally do, so I was a bit gutted about that. It was just too cold, windy and wet and it would have be so so muddy out. We did still take the pups across the road for a wee and a little run, we managed to catch a dry patch in between the rain.

N and I spent the rest of the day relaxing, watching tv, nearly falling asleep lol and playing Uno. Christmas day well spent if you ask me.

N went home earlier then planned which was fine, I know when I don’t feel well all I want to do is sleep and relax at my own home. She’s got so much going on with her health, so it’s all totally understandable, I just wish I could do something to help.

I spent all evening getting stuck into my new game πŸ˜€ I love it so much, such a great game. I can’t stop playing it.

I can’t remember what time I went to bed but I know it was way past midnight lol!

So boxing day I woke up about 9 am and got on with the housework and prepared our nice turkey dinner. I did a large turkey breast in the slow cooker, I put veg at the bottom and some stock, on high for 4 hours.

H came over at lunch time, it was nice to hang out for a bit before L and the boys came over and all the madness began.

L and the boys came over about 1pm I think. I made everyone wait for just over an hour before we did presents. Harvey sat playing games on his phone with H and me and boo were playing with his dinosaurs that he got for Christmas and of course he wanted to play fight with his myllan lol.

We did presents. Albert and Harvey were both so good waiting nicely for their next presents. Harvey loved the game I got him, I knew he would. L spoilt me and the pups and the cats πŸ™‚ eep ❀ she got me loads! L and H loved their presents I got them, so pleased. I love giving people presents ❀

Albert got into his new Thomas onsie and I got aged 4-5 years and it only JUST fits his big butt lol! He’s 2 years old! he’s so huge. He will probably only fit in that this winter and then it will be far too small.

The boys and I were play fighting, piggy backing and just generally messing about lol.

I sorted out dinner, Albert was watching me peel the veg which was cute, he was chatting away to me. It took me a bit longer then anticipated to get it all ready and cooked but man it was so nice if I do say so myself πŸ™‚ and everyone ate as much as they could, well apart from boo cuz he just couldn’t stay awake lol.

Considering it was my first ever turkey roast I had cooked, it went well. It was so flipping exhausting but it was definitely made easier by having my stool to sit on, I think it would have killed me if I didn’t have my stool.

After a short sleep, I woke boo up so that he would eat before he went to bed. He ate a bit of his dinner which was good but as its Christmas I let him have some pringles and sweets πŸ™‚ which made him a happy boy. No point force feeding him something that he doesn’t want, cuz it will cause issues with food later on in life. So yeah he pretty much ate a whole tub of pringles lol and some sweets.

Put boo to bed about 8 pm, although he was not happy about it lol. But after some cuddles with me he eventually settled down to sleep.

H left at some point…I can’t remember what time lol. But it was great to have spent a awesome boxing day with her. We’ve been best friends for like 10 years maybe longer, couldn’t imagine my life without her now. She’s been so amazing to me over the years ❀ and I am looking forward to another 10 years plus being best buds.

Harvey went to bed with no problem, I always give him a count down to the time he’s got to go to bed. Makes it easier but to be fair he’s always good for me.

Ah peace…well sort of lol. Just me and L, 2 cats and 3 crazy ass dogs. We watched some films and chatted, ate sweets and just chilled out. It was a great way to end a lovely day πŸ™‚

L went to bed just gone 1 am after we watched the film Kinky boots but I didn’t get to sleep until 2 am, as I can’t sleep straight away, I need to relax and unwind before I sleep.

Boo boo got L and I up at 6 am…WOW 4 hours sleep! I just put his new Thomas dvd on for him and tired to get him to cuddle up on the sofa with us but he wasn’t having it. But L and I was nodding on and off on the sofa together lol. I think Harvey got up at 8 am and by that point that’s it I was up lol.

We spent all morning watching films πŸ™‚ L helped me clean up, so that was nice as the place was a flipping tip lol.

I was about to get in the shower and Albert asked where I was going and I said I’m getting a shower and he said “me shower too?” So I said yeah if you want too. So boo boo sat on my stool in the shower and I washed him, then washed myself. He kept playing with my belly button lol, which he’s always done since he was small.

L had a shower and Harvey got dressed, lil smell bag doesn’t really like having a shower he’s a bit scared of it.

I took down the Christmas tree and decorations! AH! much better lol. I don’t mind having my tree up 2 weeks before Christmas but as soon as it’s all over I just want them down.

Helped L get her and the boys sorted to go home. I walked them to the bus stop, as boo hasn’t got a push chair at the moment so he’s hard work to cross the road, mind Harvey is as well because he has no road sense at all.

When I got back I took the pups out for a wee and run. Then spent all afternoon playing Lego Jurassic world.

I had an early night, because I hurt all over and I was just so exhausted.

28th – I slept really well and didn’t wake up till about 10 am, which is late for me. I must have needed it though.

My bro, sister in law and nephew popped over for a bit. Leo was in his brand new car he got for Christmas πŸ™‚ so cute. Was nice to see them all.

I took the pups for a walk in the afternoon because they hadn’t been out for a proper walk in a few days. It was cold and windy but was nice to get out in the fresh air.

Bumped into some friends on the way home and K needed to charge his phone, so I said he could pop back to mine for a bit. So we hung out for most of the afternoon, went to town to try find some new trainers but couldn’t, but I did spend my game voucher H got me and got the Back to the Future level pack for my Lego dimensions game.

Spent the evening playing Lego Jurassic world and I completed the main story line already. It’s just so awesome and I can’t stop playing it!

29th – I slept until 9 am πŸ™‚ yay my sleep is getting better.

My friend text me to say she was on her way…yeah I wasn’t even a little bit ready lol! So I jumped up and got my butt into gear and did the housework. I managed to do most of it before she came which was good, I only had to clean the balcony and get a shower. It was good though because it made me get up and get going because other wise I probably could have fallen back to sleep lol.

After I got showered and dressed, we went into town. I paid my rent and we looked in a shop and I got myself a new Batman t-shirt with my Christmas money. I treated us both to Burger King for lunch, which we ate at mine.

H-A drove me and the pups over to Hamworthy park were we had a nice walk and Scrappy the crazy pup went for a swim in the sea lol! We both got some great pictures πŸ™‚

We popped into see H-A’s auntie and her dogs which was awesome πŸ™‚ had a good giggle.

I was absolutely shattered when I got in! So I snuggled up on the sofa with the pups just relaxing, watching tv.

Had some beef casserole for dinner, as there was 3 portions left over after Christmas day. So nice easy dinner, only had to heat it up.

E came over in the evening for a few hours, Foxy was beside herself as usual. She loves E so so much. I showed E my game she got me and the Lego dimensions games and I made her a nice Spanish hot chocolate πŸ™‚ It was nice to hang out with her, she’s so lovely.

Did my usual nightly routine, of taking my meds and taking the pups for a wee.

And now we are on today πŸ™‚ 30th Dec, I cannot believe that tomorrow is the last day of 2015! It’s gone so fast its totally insane.

So today I have rested and looked after my needs. I slept until gone 11 am, had a shower and got dressed. Took the pups out for a wee and went to the shop to get something for dinner and a few other odd bits I needed like cereal and stuff.

Luckily I went out when I did because when I got back it started raining so hard and it hasn’t really stopped since! So after I had lunch I spent all from half 2 and finally stopped for dinner at 5 pm. I could have played for longer but I was hungry, I had a nice chicken breast, roast veg and roast potatoes with cheese sauce! YUM! Haven’t cooked that for a while, definitely doing that again soon.

I have spent all evening writing this blog lol! I kept having to look at my FB to see what happened and when! The week between Christmas and New years always completely throws me and I have no idea who I am, what day it is, where I am, what I am doing! Just totally lost lol. Can’t wait for it all to get back to normal, so I know where I am.

Tomorrow I am spending New years with H and Harvey and the pups will have their best buddy Arnie to play with. Going to have pizza hut for dinner as a treat for us all πŸ™‚ will probably end up playing games and maybe watching films. Said to Harvey he can stay up as late as he can, so we shall see if he can make it until midnight πŸ™‚ so it should be a good night. I’d much prefer to stay in with friends then go out.

2015 has been such a crazy ass year! It’s had lots of up and lots of down and 5 broken bones! I leave 2015 as a guy and a strong guy, I start a new year being more me then I’ve ever been before and I am looking forward to starting my new journey towards becoming the man I know I can be.

I don’t really have any goals for 2016 other then to continue on the path to becoming my true self and to continue to learn about myself and ways to self care and improve myself and be the best me I can be. That’s all I can ask of myself, especially as my health is so unpredictable and I don’t really know where next year will take me health wise. So we shall see.

I started 2015 weighing 11 stone 11 pounds and I am leaving 2015 weighing 8 stone 11 pounds! and that is all down to coming down off the Quetiapine from 400 mgs to 50 mgs. I have managed my bipolar with all the skills I learnt at DBT and guided meditation has been a life saver. I start the day with meditation and end the day with meditation and I feel so much calmer for it. I feel brilliant for being on such a low dose, I don’t feel as drugged up and I feel so great for losing so much weight.

Well that’s all for me, I may do a short post tomorrow. But if not I shall see you all in 2016 πŸ™‚ I hope you have a great New years, stay safe and have fun.

Peace out

Batman

I love my friends <3

I am back, I’m feeling a bit more lively and a bit less mopey. It’s been a very long few weeks but hopefully this is the start of me feeling better.

My stomach has been loads better this week and I’ve been catching up on eating lol πŸ™‚ but that’s good though, I needed to build myself back up again.

My friends have been really amazing this week and I am so so grateful for every single one.

On Thursday I spent the whole day with L and the pups. Harvey was at school and Albert was at nursery πŸ™‚ so it was nice just to chill and have some adult time. We watched some films and just chilled really but, even just simple things like that makes all the difference.

L picked up Albert from nursery and I went to pick up Harvey from school πŸ™‚ which was cool.

L cooked us all dinner too, which I needed, as I’d not eaten properly for a while.

I left just after the boys went to bed, when I got home, I got my meds, a drink, a snack, my hot water bottle and let the cats in the bedroom too and snuggled in bed with all my fur babies and I was fast asleep by 10:30 pm.

Friday I woke up at 5:30 am…but I had slept well for 7 hours. I just chilled out for a bit, hoping I would go back to sleep for a bit, but I didn’t. So I cleaned up a bit, got myself showered and dressed and by 8 am I was out with the pups, we went for a walk down Baiter. It was really nice, I saw a rainbow and got some great pictures.

On my way home I went to my friends shop and picked up her dog Lolly for a play date for the day. I did try and have a nap after my walk, I couldn’t sleep though but I did just rest for an hour.

I felt a bit restless all day long, I couldn’t settle on any one thing. But I felt ok other wise. Just spent the day pottering around the flat and playing with all the dogs and cats πŸ™‚

I dropped lolly home in the evening and S and her family invited me up for dinner which was nice πŸ™‚ I had nice snuggles with baby JJ and Lolly was wanting me to play too. It was nice just to chill out with friends and be looked after a lil bit ❀

I got home to my happy puppies and kitties, took the pups out for a wee and then snuggled up in bed like I did Thursday night. It was really nice not to have to inject myself and put that crap into my body! Felt nervous about it but good too.

Saturday was the first time in 15 years that I didn’t wake up with a methotrexate hangover! I didn’t feel tired and groggy, I just felt like I normally do in the morning.

I just sat watching cartoons for most of the morning, then decided to get my butt up and do the housework. Despite the rain I got my waterproofs and welly boots on and took the pups out for a walk, it was great fun πŸ™‚

I got home and did myself some actual dinner, only scrambled eggs on toast but at least I cooked something.

Two of my lady friends took me out, we went to Flirt for the evening but it was really nice to get out with some lovely friends.

After getting home, I took the pups for a wee, took my meds and fell asleep pretty much straight away.

So we are all caught up to today, which is Sunday.

I’ve felt pretty tired all day and all I’ve done is eat, sleep and watch cartoons. I just couldn’t get going but I think where I’ve not slept well all week, it’s all caught up with me. I don’t mind spending the day the way I have done because some days I just need to sleep, rest and eat.

I am feeling so so grateful to all my friends who’ve been there for me this week πŸ™‚ either physically or just through messages. I am feeling so much better for having my needs met from everyone, it was definitely needed. I cannot express enough have important and how much everyone has helped me, even the smallest of things has been brilliant, argh I can’t even explain what I mean lol. I am so so so grateful and I love all my friends ❀

So yeah I am back on track to feeling a bit better. I have emailed someone who knows all about my condition, who works for a charity, who will hopefully be able to help me be seen in a different hospital by an actual proper specialist. I am so excited about this, I just hope things work out!

Um so yeah, just staring at the laptop now, my brain has switched off. Not much planned tomorrow, I do need to get some bloods done, so I may go do that. We shall see how tomorrow pans out. I just can’t wait until Tues when I get paid so I can go and do something and get on with xmas shopping.

Peace out

Batman

Clocks change confusion…and a catch up

Ahh the clocks have gone back an hour and thrown me completely. When I woke up this morning my phone had 8 am and my alarm clock has 9 am… I didn’t know which one was right lol. It’s nearly 10 pm and it feels so late, even though it’s not.

Just a quick update really, as I want to go to bed soon. I start a new course tomorrow called mindful living πŸ™‚ so really looking forward to that.

Wednesday – Didn’t do much really, I went out and had a scaffold piercing done, got myself a new comic and went to see my friend in the sweet shop, chatted with her for a bit which was nice. Just relaxed all evening.

Thursday – I saw my specialist in the morning, I had to get a chest x-ray done while I was there. She wants me to stay on the steroids every other day at the moment, which I’m not 100% happy about.. but she’s only seen me twice now. But she is sorting out a bone density scan to check me for the early start of osteoarthritis and also I need to see my GP to check my calcium and vit D to see if I need to take tablets for it.

I made group only 20mins late, so that wasn’t bad. I didn’t miss anything really so that was good. Group was really good πŸ™‚ had a guy talking about Vita Nova group and I am really interested in doing the art and creative writing group. So I am going to look into that πŸ™‚

Friday – I did the housework, made some cakes, took the pups across the road for a wee and a run a few times. Did the paper work for my P.I.P form, watched tv, slept quite a bit and did some colouring.

Saturday – I did fuck all all day and I totally needed it. I slept all morning until 1 pm lol but I so needed it. I didn’t get dressed all day apart from like 20 mins when I took the pups for a wee and to get milk. H came over for the afternoon and we watched American Horror Story – Asylum as she’d not seen it before. After H left I spent the rest of the evening watching the rest of AHS and I did some more colouring. I felt so much better for not doing anything, I needed a few days to just rest.

Today started with the confusion with time lol but it’s ended well.

I did the housework this morning, got myself showered and dressed.

I spent the afternoon with L the boys and the pups πŸ™‚ which was cool, had fun messing about with the boys. Can’t believe how big they’ve both got! It’s crazy!

So that’s it for now, I’m feeling a bit happier then I have done πŸ™‚ I’m feeling really tired though, especially in the morning I find it really hard to get going because all I want to do is sleep in the morning until about midday.

I’m a bit chesty today, coughing up crap. So whatever I had before I had my teeth out has finally gone to my chest. I’ll see how it goes before I see my GP too soon.

I am really looking forward to starting this course tomorrow called mindful living, it’s 1 pm – 4 pm which means I have to leave here at 11:45 am. I am going to see how tomorrow morning goes and if I am feeling too tired then I am just going to sleep. I really need to pace myself and look after myself, these courses will come around again in the spring term.

My thoughts are saying that I am being lazy and that I just need to go and do this course. But my rational brain is saying see how you feel in the morning and decide then, no pressure, remember to pace yourself. I am going to listen to the rational side of my brain although the other side makes me feel guilty about not going. But this course is free and will have many others attending, so I won’t be letting anyone down…urgh I hate my brain sometimes. I do need to listen to my body too better then I already do.

ARGH! it’s all so complicated! I just want to be able to do what I want to do without thinking about it in depth!

Β New piercing

Β How me and my boy chill πŸ™‚

Β Chilling with my baby girl

Β Marley Moo loves chilling too πŸ™‚

Β My beautiful babies love playing in the leaves πŸ™‚

Β Yummy

Β A picture I coloured in from my new book the lost ocean

Β Harley suckling on my top lol

Β Aw me and Boo Boo πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman ❀

I’ve been a poorly boy. Also #LoveWins

So the last few days have not been cool! But I am on the mend and on the up once again..mostly.

Wednesday was rough I couldn’t get going, I managed to get to my hospital appointment at the hospital 4 mins late…but I got there. And ended up being there for 2 freaking hours! Had another x-ray on my teeth, did all the pre-op stuff and hopefully I will get a date soon to get two teeth out under general anesthetic.

My bro picked me up, went to see his new place for a bit. Went with him to pick up his gf from work and we sat by the sea in the car for a bit, which was nice.

All afternoon though I was NOT feeling good, I kept feeling sick but I thought that was because I didn’t eat much. As the day went on my stomach pains got so bad, I couldn’t eat any dinner. I was in agony! spent all night up and down with a bad stomach from both ends πŸ˜₯ and eventually settled to sleep.

So yeah that’s Erythromycin making me feel so ill…so after a few phone calls with my GP (Thursday) he said I can try Azithromycin to get rid of this infection. Need to pick it up from the chemist and give it a bash.

Thursday I spent most of the day sleeping and just resting. I was SO gutted I had to miss group though 😦 but I felt so so rough. I managed to get to the shops to get myself a few bits, lucozade, crackers and some other stuff I needed. Also managed to shave my hair off number 1 all over cuz it was pissing me off and had a nice refreshing shower πŸ™‚ and I managed to take the pups across the road for an hour in the evening. I did keep some food and drink in me as well so that was good. A pretty boring rough day but I got through it.

Today has been ok, my stomach still feels a lil sore but I think I pulled my stomach muscles when I was sick and I’m probably still a bit hungry, I’ve only managed to eat a little today but I’ll get back on track.

I slept ok-ish, I was up early but I fell asleep on the sofa for a bit. Cleaned up the entire flat and did 4 loads of washing. Had a nice shower and took pups across the road for a run before I went out with my Bro and step dad to the pub for a quick drink for my step dads birthday which was really nice.

Chilled out watching Friends for a bit, played 3 hours of Lego Batman 3, had some dinner..literally like a few bites lol watched OITNB (Orange is the new black)

The pups were bugging me, jumping on me and just generally trying to get my attention lol! So I ended up taking them for a for and we were out for an hour and a half, it was really nice to get out and the pups loved it and they’ve been sleeping for ages now πŸ™‚

Just be catching up online, watching OITNB and writing this πŸ™‚

It’s nearly 1 am now and I am feeling so much better then I have done the last 2 days πŸ™‚ nothing can beat this boy!

Tomorrow I am going to my lil cousins 6th Birthday party BBQ late afternoon so should be fun.

I am so proud of the USA! Equal marriage for all in all 50 states! History has been made #lovewins

Peace out

Batman

Granulomatosis polyangiitis worries

I haven’t posted again for a while but I’ve been really busy so when it comes to sit and write, I just want to go to sleep. I am really tired this evening, but I can sleep in tomorrow.

Monday would have been my dads 55th birthday, so I did take a moment to think about all the good times with him. I spent all day sleeping, I needed to catch up. I did go out to the trans* group social in the evening, just to get out for a bit. That was nice πŸ™‚

Tuesday was so busy, I saw the hand therapist in the morning because my knuckle was/is popping out of the joint when I move it, so she referred me to the hand surgeon as she wasn’t sure what the issue is. I then had two hours to wrap birthday presents for Harvey and chill before heading out to see Jackie to do my DBS form for my volunteer work and that went well and hopefully we filled it out properly so it won’t take too long to come back. I met L and the boys after and gave Harvey his presents which he liked…well I think its hard to tell with him lol. I took them to town to the 6D cinema and burger king πŸ™‚ which was nice and we had so much fun. C text me to see if I was up for coming over and as I was in the area I popped over for a bit, so that was nice to see her.

Wednesday, L and boo came over after the school run and my bro came over with Leo and that was really nice. My bro dropped me up to the hospital for my appointment and that went well, he said I’ve over stretched the tendon and apparently because I am hyper mobile all my other knuckles do the same pop out, its just where the tendon is sore I can feel it more if that makes sense, but hopefully it will heal ok, I’ve got 2 more weeks of the splints. I met L in town for a little before she had to go get the boy from school and I had to go get a clothes airer as the legs fell off mine and wouldn’t stand up lol! I was so tired when I got in I napped for 2 hours… :/ and woke up at 7 pm, I just couldn’t stay awake any longer, I just snuggled up with the pups and I was out and I was back into bed just gone midnight.

Today again has been really busy, I had a chilled morning. My friend sent me a box of treats for the dogs and Marley and a few bits for me too πŸ˜€ they got loads of toys and treats, she’s way too kind to us bless her. But it did make my day and make me smile lots. My bro and Leo popped over πŸ™‚ to hang out while I got myself ready an took the pups out for a run. We went to Asda to have a look and pick up a few bits and bobs that he needed, he then dropped me to group. We were a bit early so we sat in the car for a bit and chatted to kill a bit of time.

Group today was good, well for the most part. I struggle to listen when people are checking in especially if they don’t put the story in a nut shell and have to tell you every little detail of everything.. I’m trying to listen and tolerate it and be kind etc but when you have limited time and sometimes not everyone that needs it gets the times they need but others do, its difficult. I suppose I feel bad if someone gets left out by accident or doesn’t get out what they need to say, or doesn’t get the support they need because others are taking up the time. But I know this is something that is difficult to get a good system in place. I also try not to show the boredom on my face too because I know sometimes that I can look visibly bored, I try to be mindful and to stay in the room and just be respectful but it’s difficult.

After group I met up with JJ for a few hours, which was really cool. He was just down for 2 days, so just a flying visit. I took him to the 6D cinema, we just chilled and chatted and stuff, so yeah it was good to see him πŸ™‚

I got home to two very happy puppies and a happy kitty, it was really nice out still so I decided to take the pups for a walk. I did sit down for a bit and relax, took my pain meds and got the pups stuff ready and we headed out for about just over and hour I think. It was so nice out there and we came across a fair few jellyfish that had washed up, scrappy doodle was in and out of the water swimming away and foxy was just following me about. We chatted to some lovely people and the pups played with other pups, I just love being out by the sea with my babies. I could just stay out there forever.

When we got in we all just flopped onto the sofa and non of us have moved since lol! Pups are fast asleep and have been since we got home, I felt like just going to sleep too. But I’ve been catching up on emails and stuff on the laptop. I’ll be off to bed after this is posted though.

I downloaded a white noise app the other day to help me sleep and it’s been really good. It’s helped me get to sleep much quicker and stay asleep longer and it’s better then falling asleep with the tv on. Its called white noise free on android and you can download different sounds for free too. My favourite is called sleep fan, I also like beach and water sounds. I’ve been trying different ones out to see which helps the best but so far the sleep fan is the best, there’s still loads to try πŸ™‚

Even though I’ve been keeping myself busy and just getting out and trying to do as much as I can, I’ve been pushing through and ignoring my joint pain and the urge to just sleep all the time. The pain from my lower back and hips downwards for the last few months has begun to be unbearable, sometimes just walking across the road to take the dogs out just tires me right out and causes so much pain. The tramadol is no longer even taking the edge off, I ache and hurt all day every day and I am just exhausted all the time, like I just want to sleep and at least one day in the last few weeks all I have done is catch up on sleep for the entire day. I’m really worried that things are going down hill and that maybe I’m going to need extra assistance..and I can’t even write it down because if I think it then it may become true. I am still waiting to see the new specialist so I am in a bit of a limbo as to whether do I wait or do I see my gp, I just know I can’t keep going on like this, small tasks seem HUGE but while I can I really want to make the most of things. I’m worried I’ll lose my independence… So yeah things are rough with my health and I don’t really know what to do and I don’t really feel supported with it.

Wow it’s late now, so I’ll wrap up. I still need to take the pups for a wee before we can all go to bed. Both are still snoozing, scrappy is snoring away and foxy is dreaming πŸ™‚ ❀

Peace out

Batman