I really don’t feel so good, I’ve really been struggling all week long with various different things.
Last night I cried myself to sleep, I cried so much and so hard. I thought I was never going to stop. I’ve not cried so hard in a long time, I woke up this morning and my eyes still felt puffy and sore and still do.
I’ve been struggling with anxiety, depression, derealisation, depersonalisation and chronic loneliness.
I’m feeling really sensitive at the moment, just feeling really fragile, like I could shatter at any moment and break into a million pieces. I don’t know, I just feel so sad, I can’t express the depth of the sadness or even explain why.
My heart feels so broken, the sadness is all consuming. The loneliness is overwhelming. I keep feeling like even though I can see people, I feel like I’m the only person left in the world, nothing feels real, I don’t feel real. Just a ghost going through my daily tasks but without knowing I’m a ghost, just a tape playing on repeat.
I just feel so sad that I don’t have anyone that I can 100% trust and rely on. I don’t have that one person that I feel 100% comfortable with, who can lift me up when I need it.
It feels like the loneliness will never end and I will always be everything I need for myself, that’s just so exhausting and soul destroying.
I deserve to have a person of my own who I can share my life with, share my love with, go through the good times, the bad times and everything in between with.
Maybe someday, maybe never.
I’m currently curled up on the sofa with my beautiful babies, my weighted blanket and snacks. I put on The Muppets Christmas Carol to watch, it feels safe and comforting.
I’m doing everything I can to take care of myself and to help myself but it still doesn’t seem enough to keep the darkness away. I don’t know what more else I can do other than keep trying, but I’m so exhausted now.
I’ll get through on my own, I always do. I just wish things weren’t so painful.