trauma

This lockdown has been kinda good for one thing its allowed old wounds and pains to surface and its made me face the reality of the route cause of this pain that’s been there forever.

I’ve had counselling and different therapies since I was 15 years old on and off over the years and I’ve always skirted around this issue, cuz its painful and embarrassing to admit and as I’ve gotten older its got harder.

I find it super hard to be vulnerable and honest with myself let alone anyone else. But today I was able to verbalise it, which was very uncomfortable.

My parents divorced when I was 15 and my memories from around that time are patchy. It was a pretty traumatic experience and the years running up to that weren’t that great either and again memories are patchy.

For some that may not be seen as a traumatic event but for me it was and my mental health wasn’t great before it happened as I started self harming when I was around 9/10 years old. I can’t explain why I started self harming as again memories are fractured, not in order or missing completely.

I was an extremely anxious and extremely shy as a little kid, I struggled to make friends, I always felt left out and I still feel the same now at the age of 35 years old.

I think as you get older you tend to romanticise what your childhood was like, with me I don’t remember much at all. But I remember what it made me feel, what I felt then is what I feel now. No matter how hard I try to heal, to move forward. I am always dragged back to how I felt at the age of 15 years old.

I still feel like a little kid standing in a room full of adults trying to be seen and heard, I feel like I don’t exist, I feel alone, intense loneliness, I feel so sad, I’m in so much pain, I feel lost, I feel scared, I feel numb, I feel unloved and unlovable, I feel unwanted.

I can’t keep bleeding over the same thing, hurting over the same thing. It’s just too hard, too painful.

I feel so left out, everyone has their circle of friends and I’m standing way on the sidelines, waiting to be seen and heard, waiting for the scraps, waiting to have my existence remembered. I can’t do it anymore.

I’ve not hit any expected adult mile stones, I’ve never been in a long term relationships, I’ve never lived with anyone, I’ve never been engaged, married, I don’t have kids, never had a long term employment (mainly due to my physical health) 1 long term friendship which I no longer have. I don’t have kids, don’t own my place and never have. Never travelled anywhere, never done anything.

I feel like I’ve missed out on so much because of this trauma that hides inside me and seems to have such a strong hold over me. I end up bleeding on everyone around me and no one wants to deal with that. But I don’t mean too, I try so hard but doesn’t seem to be working. But I’m just a traumatise kid inside.

I’m so exhausted, so tired of trying, tired of feeling this pain, tired of fighting to be seen and heard, tired of existing. I’m tired of looking after myself, tired of acting like I’m a grown up when really I maybe 35 but emotionally, socially etc I’m still just a 15 year old kid inside. It exhausting trying to pretend I’m ok when I’m not.

This is hard

Peace out

Zak

Vortex of negative thoughts

I really want to decorate and replace most of my furniture.

I don’t feel capable enough to do it myself. Although I know I’d love to do it myself, I love creating things.

I really want to create a cozy, safe spot space.

I know how to re-decorate and I have a vision of how I want it to look, but I’m scared I’d mess it all up. Which is so stupid.

My fear of messing up stops me doing so much. It physically holds me in place, so I can’t move. I then just get stuck in a vortex of negative thoughts and it just perpetuates the fear and anxiety.

I’m so trapped inside myself, I can’t find my way out of my head. It’s so frustrating, I could be so much better then I am. But I’m scared to try, I hold myself back and hold everything in. Making myself invisible, so I’m not seen.

I suppose it’s because I feel so unworthy, sometimes I even feel unworthy of being alive, like I’d happily swap places with someone who would benefit the world, even if it meant I wasn’t here anymore. I dunno if other people have felt the same or just me.

I’ve tired so hard to change over the years, it’s so exhausting. I keep thinking maybe this is just me, I can’t change, I just have to deal with this darkness forever. M

I feel like everyone grew up and moved on without me, I just can’t figure out how to do that. I must be stupid if everyone else can figure stuff out but not me.

My soul is so tired, filled with more darkness then light. Maybe one day I’ll figure stuff out and start stepping into the light, but for now I’m just drowning in the darkness, trying to grasp the thin rays of light.

Peace out

Zak

Laid bare

I’ve been mia for a while, I’ve not been posting regularly like I was, for a number of reasons, which I’ll explain as I write this.

I’m feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment, so this is going to be hard and uncomfortable. But it’s something I need to do, I need to get it out and be brave and open myself up.

I’ve been really shut down for the last 8 months, which was around when I spilt up with the person I was dating last year.

I opened myself up and ended up getting hurt, so I did what I always do when I’m hurt, I just shut down, shut everyone out. But I’ve learnt all that does it hurt me more and other people cuz I’m often a absolute dick to people, which I hate but it feels safer then being vulnerable with people.

I’m still good friends with the person I was with last year, which I love but at the moment it’s really hard to not be super needy and just need them and want them to be here and make everything better.. which is ironically where I went wrong in the relationship. I put her on a pedestal and hoped being with her would fix everything and that’s a lot to expect from one person let alone a relationship. That’s not how they work and that’s where I seem to always go wrong. My feelings always just get too intense and I get too much, I expect too much and actually this time I crossed major privacy boundaries and went through her phone, which I regret and still feel so guilty about. I behaved like a jealous child. But it was like an impulse I just couldn’t control. I still give myself a hard time about it, I’ve not forgiven myself yet.

Ultimately the breakup was mutual although she initiated it. It wasn’t meant to work out.

I need to be with someone who’s not embarrassed to be with me, who won’t hide the fact their with me, I deserve that much I know.

From there my mental health has just spiralled down. I think I’ve disconnected with anything mental health related because I didn’t want to have it anymore, I just wanted to be fixed and move on and just have a good life, like everybody else. But I realise I’ll never be like everyone else, maybe I was always meant to stand out and be different which I hate because I’ve tried so hard my whole life to fit in but I never have. Maybe this is it, maybe I’ll always have to work harder then everyone else just to be where I want to be.

Everyone shines, they know who they are, where they’re going in life. I still at 34 have no idea who I am, what I want. I don’t try because I’m so scared to fail but I’m also scared to succeed. I hate being centre of attention. I have no self esteem anymore, I don’t think I ever did. The last few months I’ve just been listening to the negative words running through my head every second of every day, mentally bashing myself. I’m so horrible to myself but I can’t stop.

I doubt this will make much sense because I’m really struggling to organise my brain and thoughts, everything is just all over the place. My brain is just all jumbled up at the moment and it takes so much energy to just get myself organised enough to get out of the flat.

I’ve been trying really hard to fake it till I make it, but I really can’t do it anymore, it’s too hard and it’s not working. I got myself a voluntary job, I started a social group etc I thought it would help and for the most part when I’m out doing stuff it helps, but as soon as I’m on my own again it’s like a switch gets flicked off and my brain is just done.

I’ve really been struggling with depression, anxiety, insomnia, disassociation, gender dysphoria and it’s all just overwhelming and too much for me to deal with alone anymore. So I made an appointment with my GP, I’m going to ask him to refer me back to the community mental health team, I need meds upped and probably need some therapy or something. But this time I need to be super honest and not hold everything in like I can just handle it all, because well no one can do that, not forever anyway.

I think recently I’ve felt worse, for a few reasons, I’m just emotionally exhausted from trying to hold everything together on my own, I’ve stopped doing things that I know help, I’ve been spending too much time on social media, wishing my life was different, knowing full well social media creates a fake reality, it still effects me. I’ve just had zero motivation to do anything, I have to push myself from the moment I get up, some days I can do stuff other days I fail and the furthest I get is from my bed to the sofa and back, with 2 15 mins walks for my dogs.

I don’t feel anything either, just numb all the time.

Everyday I wake up and pretend everything is ok and just fake my way through what I have to do. But inside all I want to do is just be at home where I feel safe. I’m a pretty good actor, some days in front of certain friends I can’t hide it and the darkness seeps out but to most people they see me smiling and happy and it couldn’t be more opposite.

It’s getting harder to just pretend, it’s getting harder to keep it together, it’s getting harder to keep everything inside.

I feel so small, so worthless and that’s another reason I’ve not sought help sooner is because I am trans and have physical health issues, I feel like I don’t deserve help because I already have so many issues. I’m just a drain on society so why waste more money on me.

I know it’s completely self loathing and probably comes across like I’m playing the victim or something (something I’ve recently been told I was doing and tbh hands up I probably was because I was angry and I couldn’t be the rational adult I know I can be) but it’s genuinely how I feel like a lot, all this negative mass of self loathing words swirling around my head daily, I try and say nice things to myself but I just don’t connect with them so I just can’t believe them.

I need help, I need support, whether that be meds’ and therapy or whatever but I’ve finally come to terms with the fact I just can’t do this on my own anymore. My GP is ringing me tomorrow and hopefully I can say everything I need too and maybe get referred back to the community mental health team.

I don’t want to feel like this forever, I want to feel better and I want to feel better about myself and stop destroying myself. I want to try and fail and try again until I succeed at something.

I want help with dealing with disassociation, I’ve just been doing things myself on a trial and error basis to help my dissociative moments. I don’t know if it’s the right thing or not and what I try and do to help myself doesn’t always work. I want to feel more connected with myself, at the moment myself, my brain and body just seems to be fragments floating around bumping into each other but never connecting. It’s really weird, I want to feel like a whole person.

I’m just so emotionally exhausted, I just want some relief. I feel like I’m wading through mud with no end in sight, I’ve ran out of ideas and steam, I can’t help myself anymore on my own. I wake up just as exhausted as when I went to sleep.

So yeah this is me laid bare, heart on the table.

Peace out

Zak

Lost boy

When I’m feeling low and I make silly mistakes it’s hard not to tear myself down.

For example, I’m currently on the coach to London and I was feeling ok. But then I forgot to pick up my appointment letter and deed poll. So now I feel like shit, negative thoughts running through my head. Like how can I be so fucking stupid!? I even had it out on the side ready to go… I just didn’t pick it up! 🤬😡 so angry at myself.

The difference is, if I was feeling ok it wouldn’t bother me, I’d just get over it.

But at the moment I feel super sensitive, overly emotional and pretty worthless. I hate feeling like this so much, I just wanna feel happy. It’s hard getting out of this negative funk 😔 but I’m trying hard.

I hate feeling so sensitive, every little thing cuts really deep and hurts a lot. I don’t want to feel like this but I can’t seem to get a handle on it.

Just feel so vulnerable and exposed, it’s not a comfortable feeling. As I’m usually quite closed off. But I feel naked, like my heart is exposed for all to see. I can’t hide how I feel.

I feel like a lost child, who’s been left out in the wilderness to fend for himself. I’m terrified of my emotions, scared of feeling vulnerable, scared of feeling so deeply, scared of feeling happy because often with happiness come heartache.

I feel so fragile like a egg shell, the slightest knock will shatter me and I won’t be able to piece myself back together again.

Some people will saying feeling sensitive is a strength, but how comes I feel so weak?

I just want to feel happy

Peace

Zak

Emotional Robot

I don’t know if I’ll post this but I needed to write to get it all out of my head before I go insane.

I feel so disconnected from everything, I feel like a robot, nothing feels real. I’m just doing things because I have to, just emotionless, going through the motions.

Yet inside, my heart is just burning up with pain. It feels so overwhelming and I don’t know what it is.

And I just can’t let myself be vulnerable with anyone because I’m scared, I’m scared of people knowing I’ve not got it all together like I show people, I’m scared of being rejected for it, I’m scared I won’t be able to get myself back together again.

I feel so fucking broken, so lost.

I feel so anxious all the time, I only go out the absolute bare minimum. I just can’t face the world. I can’t keep putting on the mask.

I feel like I could scream and shout, punch and kick and still I wouldn’t be heard. Why would anyone care anyway?

This pain is crippling, squeezing ever last ounce of my soul out, into just a puddle of nothing on the floor.

I just want it to stop.

Peace out

Batman

Fracture clinic day!

Fracture clinic day finally came! and I am so so glad that I didn’t get a cast. The doc said I got to start trying to move my arm, which I have been doing all day. It hurts but I need to get it moving so it doesn’t stiffen up. I have another appointment at the fracture clinic next week, where they are going to x-ray my hand again to check for a fracture, if there isn’t one but my hand still hurts then they will scan it and just go from there, but still got to keep it in the wrist splint until then. So fairly happy with the outcome of that appointment.

I slept most of this morning, until I had to go to my appointment.

My pain has been bad again today, my lower back, hips and legs have been so so sore. Been really tired as well today but I’ve eaten well again today which is good. Just feeling a bit dragged down with everything at the moment. Just pushing through..

Spent the afternoon/evening with my best friend, took the pups for a lil walk and we went out for dinner and watched a film 🙂 it was really nice.

Now it’s nearly 1 am and I am really tired and I really hurt. I’m feeling really shit too, keep worrying about my future regarding my health… I mean this isn’t my first fracture this year, my pain overall has got worse this year…I’m worried that things are only going to go down hill from now..Just scared about my future and my quality of life. I’m worried about eventually not being able to live alone sooner in my life rather then later on…trying not to worry about it but it’s hard not too. Just feeling vulnerable and emotional at the moment I guess and a bit down with everything.

 Lol found this in the sale 😀

 Foxy’s new raincoat

 Scrappy enjoying his antler

 My gorgeous girl

 Found this in the sale for my gorgeous foxy girl

🙂 I love my babies so so much

Peace out

Batman

Edgy boy but doing good

GROUP DAY! WOOHOO! I love Thursdays 🙂

I managed to get myself to bed by 11 pm after spending nearly 2 hours putting my last Lego set together, I had much fun. I have now run out of space to put them, I think I am going to have to invest in some shelves. I have two fairly big wall spaces where I want them to go, its just finding some nice ones that fit what I want.

Anyway I slept well a good 8 hours, only bad thing about getting to sleep early is getting up so early. I did my usual have breakfast, watch tv, catch up with messages and stuff. I did have a nap, I don’t think it was for long though. Didn’t feel sleepy tired but I did need to rest.

By 10 am BANG! I was freaking on it! Like I’d had a shot of adrenaline or something. I was so on it that I actually had time to watch a bit of adventure time before I left for group.

Had a shower, got dressed and I took the pups across the road for half an hour for a good run. The sun was so freaking nice 🙂 ahh can so feel the spring coming. I think maybe the sun helps a lot. I had the windows open and the balcony door. Ah fresh spring air and sun makes me a happy boy. And I am glad the pups had a proper run before I left them for the afternoon as I always feel guilty about leaving them for long periods.

When I got in I sorted out the hallway and bathoom to make it safe and comfy for the pups. They had food, water, toys and there bed and blankets. We watched a bit of Adventure Time, I’d taken my pain meds a lil bit before too. Got my bag ready to head out, always make sure I got medications and spare ones too and other bits lol. I am always prepared. I put the pups into the hallway, they go in there quite happily now because they know they get treats, so it’s a bit less stressful on us all. Although they are still a little confused about it all I can see that in their faces and foxy still is a lil bit shaky but she’s ok.

Left to go get my bus to group. Feeling edgy and restless today but it isn’t anxiety or something I’ve felt before. It’s a bit strange and I can’t put my finger on it, just gotta deal with it I suppose.

Group was good, got to share all my happy news. Didn’t share the crappy stuff that’s going on because well I don’t want to share it. I want to hold on to the good things right now. Struggled to concentrate when people were talking, I kept checking out which is so bad because I know I probably look like I’m not listening….Which is true I’m not entirely present. I can’t seem to help it. When I realise I have totally checked out, like the room looks all cartoon like and weird. It’s strange but when I know what’s happening I try and bring myself back into the present and refocus myself. But other then that it was good.

I got home earlier then I usually do, as I didn’t hang about and group finished on time. So I got home at half 4 and the puppies were extremely happy! I was still feeling edgy but energetic, so I had a quick tidy up of a few bits, but reminded myself that I am going to clean the flat properly tomorrow so I don’t need to go too crazy now.

Took the crazy pups across the road for half an hour to play fetch and have a good run. It was nice to be out in the sun too and it wasn’t freezing either. Just so nice to be out, I think the sun has a big impact on my mood. It makes me happy and gives me more energy then I usually have.

I had myself some dinner and all this evening I have been catching up on tv that I’ve recorded. Oh and chatting to friends on fb 🙂

I spoke to my friend about how I was feeling and if its normal and stuff (he’s trans but much further down the line) and he said its totally normal. Phew! So yeah I was thinking I was feeling edgy because now everyone knows I am trans. It’s hit home because now its actually real, this is happening! This is me. I feel some kind of pressure now to change my physical appearance, like maybe people want to see instant results or something. I just feel pressure now. No going back, not that I want too..but yeah its here, its real! I am so excited about this journey but also a little scared. But knowing its all normal to feel like this then that’s good. Feeling less edgy now I know where this feeling has come from.

After this I shall be off to bed. My finger is feeling much better, its still swollen and still hurts and its not as strong yet, but I have another week before I see the hand person again. Hopefully by then it will fully be better.

Oh I have my specialist on Tues…he knows what’s been going on with me health wise, I am so hoping for some real answers and medication that bloody does something! Bit anxious about it all though.

Tomorrow I am cleaning the flat in the morning, my best friend and I are going for lunch in the afternoon and then I got peeps over in the evening 🙂 so busy day. BRING IT ON!

Peace out

Batman

Smashed it!

Friday – I don’t really remember much of yesterday. I think I cleaned up the flat. Met up with @neverrespected and we hung out for the afternoon. We had another rehearsal Fri night, which was good fun. Totally getting better. So psyched for Sat night. 

I didn’t get to sleep till gone like 3 am. I had a bad night. I started off in bed…I was just chilling playing about on my tab, but I felt like someone was right next to me whispering in my ear, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but made me feel really scared. It was the weirdest feeling ever… I think its because I am so over tired. But I just felt so scared so I ended up sleeping on the sofa, as I felt safer in the lounge with the tv on and all the animals with me. 

Saturday –  Today was the big day! 🙂 I can’t really remember when I got up…But I remember looking at the time at like 8 am thinking fuck that, no way am I getting up lol! I woke up about 11 am. Way too early, for the little sleep I actually had. Just chilled out this afternoon. @neverrespected met me at the shop, then we chilled at mine for a bit. Went over to G and S’s and just chilled out and chatted while they got ready. T and I popped out to the shop and to get his mum. Time just went so fast and before I knew it we were at the YMCA un-packing the cars and setting up the equipment etc. 8pm soon came around and the show got underway! I introduced the supporting act and bless her she was poorly and had a bad voice, but the girl done good! Then it was time for the main act, Dragtacula (a drag act) It was a freaking fantastic show! I messed up a few times, but playing the songs too soon and cutting them off and there was one time where I kept playing the song rather then stopping it lol, but it totally made it good. After the show I was in charge of the music and totally smashed that too. I had a bit of banter going on and that! Freaking smashed it tonight, so proud of myself. After we packed up and left, D, T and H came to mine for a bit, we ended up just watching random, funny and gross youtube vidoes lol! But such a fab night.

It’s just gone 4 am here…. I really need to get to bed. Bit anxious about bed time… Just hope I don’t get a whisper in my ear again! 

I think the last few weeks I’ve just been running off fumes! My nose and my head is killing. So glad I don’t have to get up early, well later today. Will be so pissed if I am up before midday! 

The past few weeks have been wicked, I’ve spent it with some amazing people. But I am so ready for a chill week next week! Deffo deserve it. Plus I need to get shit back on track! 

Peace out

Tank girl!

Sleepy Saturday

I don’t have a copy of my WRAP atm…. it still needs a few bits to finish it off.

Had fuck all sleep last night. Just too scared to fall asleep, just had kids films running all night. I was still awake when my mate came home, but I just stayed in bed and tired to relax. Laying on my side facing the bedroom door and keeping still seems to be helping. If I face the door then I can see if someone comes in, if I face the wall like I usually do then anything can hurt me, if I am facing the door at least I would be ready for whatever comes at me. Even been considering sleeping with a kitchen knife… but with my mate coming in at the middle of the night I might wake up confused and stab him by accident…So not a safe idea, although I do have a pen knife or two in the draw…I think I eventually fell asleep around 3 am.

Woke up about 9:30 am. Feeling exhausted and starving. So I just showered and dressed and went to Asda for a cooked breakfast, came back and fell asleep for a few hours. Took my foxy for a wee, dropped her back and then paid my rent and got some electric. Went into one shop and got some cool socks and a pair of boxers, but because it was so warm I felt so dizzy, so I went out and had a hot dog for lunch and just sat for a bit as I really didn’t feel too well. After my rest I headed home and I ended up falling asleep for another few hours. I feel safe sleeping in the day on the sofa, as the rest of the flat is pretty opened planned and I can see everything. As all the doors are wedge opened but the front door and the bedroom door. I try and keep my bedroom like my little sanctuary, but at the moment it feels like a pretty scary place to be. 

When I woke up I just felt so tired and a bit hungry. My mate then woke up as he’s got the weekend off. So he’s pretty tired after a week of night shifts. He went to meet his friend for a bit, then brought her back here. We ended up going out for dinner. Even though I was hungry I couldn’t eat it, even though I wanted it… *sigh* We went to Asda and got a few bits and came back to mine and watched World War Z, it was ok, glad I didn’t get it on dvd, not something I’d watch again. Then we watched Dredd. So yeah had a good evening. But felt like I’ve wasted a day by sleeping through most of it. My mate took his mate to get a taxi back and he took foxy with him so I don’t have to take her out, as I am not enjoying taking her out at night right now. 

Just chilling now, I am so tired! I feel like I could sleep for a week. Again not looking forward to bed time… Feeling so tense and agitated. But I need sleep. Gah I hate feeling like this. 

Booked my poor Gizmo in to be neutered on Wednesday, poor baby lol.

Found this picture…pretty fitting for right now

 

Peace out

Tank girl 

The darkness is closing in fast

I had such an awful nights sleep. It was so unsettled and disrupted. Every time a film finished I woke up and put another one on. I woke up about 3 am as my mate was coming in from work, foxy heard him and was waiting by the door to go see him. So I got up and we chatted for a bit, then I went back to bed with another film. But was up at 8:30 am. Feeling so tired, I had breakfast and ended up falling back to sleep till about 11 am. I got up and had a shower and got dressed. I was going to just take foxy for a wee, but we ended up having a walk round the park. It was so cold and it hurt my bones so much. But I needed to get out. I didn’t want to sit in all day, letting these bad feelings get the better of me.

We got back and I put on the heating and the TV. Rang my nan back after having a missed called from her while I was out walking. Foxy and I might go over there in the week and go for a walk on the heath. My mate woke up not long after we had got back. He left for work not long after. I had some lunch, didn’t really enjoy it. I still felt cold and tired so I did my little hot water bottle up and snuggled up on the sofa. But for some reason I just couldn’t fall asleep. I am so so tired.

Just spent the afternoon snuggled on the sofa and not feeling too good at all. My flat needs a bit of a tidy up, but I have zero motivation to do it. Just really not feeling happy at all. So scared to go to bed tonight. As the afternoon turned into the evening. The darkness inside my head just seemed to be getting darker and darker. I am now so scared to go to bed. If I stay awake nothing bad can happen to me, nothing will get me. But I need my sleep, I’m already so so tired. I don’t know what to do about this whole situation. Trying to ignore it all isn’t working now. But if I tell my docs about it I’m just going to end up sounding stupid and childish…. *sigh* He’ll probably just tell me to get a grip and stop being stupid…. because that is how I feel. I’m too old to be scared of monsters in the dark.

I tried to have something small for dinner. Just beans on toast. But I just couldn’t stand it being in my mouth, made me feel sick. I ate as much as I could. Going to bed hungry. But  just can’t face food!

It’s now 11:30 pm….I know I will soon have to take foxy for a wee. We aren’t going over by the headstones tonight. NOWAY! is that going to happen. But I’ll take her over to the bit of green by the shop. I’ve got butterflies in my tummy and not good ones. I feel so anxious! I don’t want to sleep, but I can’t stay awake forever. Going to get everything ready. Little lamp on in the bedroom, with the tv on, ready to watch something on Netflix and my little hot water bottle in my bed and the heating on in there, to warm it up.

Not feeling too safe. Self harm thoughts running through my head. This is not my dark passenger with me right now. This feels darker and more sinister… I just don’t know where this has all come from! I’ve never felt like this before. I am genuinely scared for my life.

Peace out

A confused and scared Tank girl x