A day in the life of a trans guy

I’ve not written on here for a while, mainly because I’ve not really had anything much to say and partly because I’ve not had the concentration to be able to sit down and write, so I thought I would write a bit of an update regarding my transition.

On the 20th Feb was my 18 month post op top surgery! Which is so crazy, time has flow so quickly and I am still so pleased with the results of surgery, the scars look fab and its healed so well. I am beyond grateful and still just so happy with how my chest looks.

And on the 22nd of Feb was my 3 years and 6 months on testosterone which is just so crazy, can’t believe its been nearly 4 years already! Still trying to grow my beard in lol! but its getting there. Testosterone and surgery saved my life and I will be forever grateful for access to trans healthcare.

One thing I have been thinking about for a long while is my pronouns, I have been going by he/him which is cool that fits me fine but I’ve recently been thinking about going by they/them as well as he/him. Because I’m not out here trying to be a cis guy, I’m just trying to be me and for me I feel that he/him is just too restrictive and that in order to be he/him I have to be a certain way, which just isn’t me. I still identify as a trans masculine guy but I have a much softer, far more sensitive side and I don’t feel like who I am fits into the narrow view of what it is to be masculine and that’s totally fine with me, I definitely feel like they/them gives me more room to breathe and continue to explore myself, without such restrictions. It feels far more freeing already.

Being trans isn’t just hormones and surgery, its a constant journey of self discovery, for me it has been anyways and I think a lot of that is down to my growing confidence within myself and free from toxic/negative/gaslighting situations and free from others judgements so I’ve been able to really look at the things I really love and enjoy and not worry about what other people think about it because I AM happy and that’s all that matter and I am looking forward to continue to explore this part of my journey.

Always be yourself and if the people around you don’t like it or don’t respect you, get rid of them. If someone cannot respect you for who you are, they don’t deserve to have a place in your life. We all deserve to be treated with love and respect and we shouldn’t accept anything less.

Peace out

Zak

Dear friends,

Dear friends, old and new. To those who I’ve known for 20 years and to those who I’ve known for 2 months. I wanted to write this to catch everyone up on where I am and where I’ve been.

In January, I was in a really dark place, which is somewhere I haven’t been for a long time and I feel like I’m only just coming out of the other side of it, but I still have a way to go.

As a result of this darkness I removed everyone from my Facebook for a good 3/4 months. I was angry, frustrated, isolated, depressed and struggling to survive.

But in that time I did a lot of soul searching, I know such a cliche, but I did.

I realised that over the years I’ve been quick to shut people out of my life, I’ve been quick to give up on friendships. I was trying to cut out “bad energies, drama” etc but in doing that I closed myself off to the good energies and good stuff.

I think I became so closed off because I’m so willing to help everyone, that sometimes I get burned. That’s not necessarily down to people themselves but due to my lack of boundaries and respect for myself. I thought if I made other people happy then I’d be happy but it doesn’t work like that.

Then about 5 years ago I started exploring my gender and came out as trans and I began my journey. Which again I was really open about but I was also wary of being people’s token trans friend and I was just anxious about not being accepted or whatever. So again I made my friend circle smaller.

In making my world smaller, I’ve missed out on living. I’ve missed out on friendships with some really great people. I gave in to the negative inner voices and the darkness, I allowed myself to become isolated and alone, the anger and frustration grew within.

January was my breaking point but in the weeks and months after I spent most of time alone, thinking, reflecting and meditating.

I started to allow myself to be open, slowly I began to add people back on FB, I began to reach out to friends. I started to ignore the negative inner voice and the darkness and walked towards the light.

It’s by no means perfect, I still struggle with anxiety and depression but I’m finding it a bit easier to deal with.

I often felt my expectations of people were too high, but I realised I rarely expressed my expectations in my friendships, I can’t have expectations if people don’t know what they are.

My voluntary work has helped me so much, it’s helped me with not being so isolated, I’ve made some incredible new friends who’s friendships I am so incredibly grateful for and hopefully in 20 years plus we’ll still be friends, still having adventures and experiencing this life together.

For those who I’ve not spoken to in a long time, who I’ve recently added back, I hope you’re well and forgive me for being so distant, I had to go off in order to grow into a better version of myself and I hope to hear from you soon, much love to you.

For everyone else, know that I appreciate you, I may not say it as often as I should or even show it but I do very much appreciate every friendship I have. You’ve kept me going even when I didn’t want too. I will continue to try and be open with you about everything, it’s something I’m still working one. But I’ll get there.

Thank you to everyone for your patience, love, support and sheer awesomeness!

I love and appreciate you all!

In 6 weeks time I will embark on the next stage of my journey, my physical transition, my spiritual journey.

I’m excited, I’m a bit scared, I’m nervous but I am so ready for it, I know it’s going to be a challenge but I’m ready to face it head on.

I know I will have my friends by my side helping me through and I’m so excited to have you guys with me! I can’t wait for this next adventure!

Peace out

Zak 💜

STRESS!

Well I can well and truly say, today has been the longest day EVER! It has been extremely challenging and stressful, I won’t for certain reason go into detail of the situation. But I used my DEAR MAN, FAST and GIVE skills. Myself respect remained intact. Although it ended in a long term friendship ending it is for the best. I used my skills effectively, but you can’t control the environmental effects. All I need to disclose is that I did what was needed, the friendship was not my main objective, myself respect was and I maintained that. I am not going to let people treat me how they have been doing. I deserve better. I would rather be alone then be around people that don’t have the amount of respect for me that I deserve. I will not be anyone’s option when they need me. I am not being used like that anymore. 

I believe I have changed for the better over this last years, despite struggling with the grief of losing my dad, which a year and a half on is still extremely painful. It will never be a pain that will fully go away. But I am being the best person I can be right now and if that’s just not good enough then whatever! I am not as angry as I was about life, but some people can’t see passed how I used to be. That is a reflection on them not me. 

To be honest I didn’t think I would learn anything from DBT, but I have learned a lot and put it into action, with negative outcome BUT not everything in life is all rainbows and sunshine, things are crap, but hey its out of my control I walked away with my head held high and I am proud of myself. 

I can 100% say I am no longer co dependent on ANYONE! and I haven’t been for a long time! I can stand on my own two feet and look out for myself! I just need reminding sometimes.

Don’t point your fingers at my flaws unless you are first are totally flawless! 

Heard from my girl today, which has made me smile from ear to ear. She still struggling, but she said she will try come see me in the week, she’s just been a bit worried about seeing me as she’s still feeling a bit sketchy, but this was my response to her:

Baby you can just be yourself with me. I want you for you and I’d never ever change that! We all got flaws we all get a lil crazy. But thats cool, in my eyes you are amazing and I want to be there for you, you just gotta let me in. I like you at your best so I will look after at your worst hand on my heart pinky promise. I am not going anyway. You have me completely xx

She was shocked and asked if I was serious that I didn’t want to change her and I said yes. She’s not used to being treated so well. I mean every single word. I hope she does let me in and let me show her. I’m sure she will. Relationships take time and I am willing to wait. BUT I will also not let her take the piss and I have used my skills the maintain my relationship with her and it’s been working so I am mega proud of myself! 🙂

Today has taken its toll, especially as I have been so depressed. But after all the dust settles I know I will be able to say I walked away with my head held high with myself respect intact and I should/will be proud of myself. Everyone is at different stages with their illness/wellness, some can see, some cannot. I can see I have changed for the better, but some people still treat me like nothing has changed and that is not a true reflection of how things really are. 

Right now I am so emotionally and physically drained! Going to spend this weekend looking after myself properly! I need some much needed ME time! 🙂 

Peace out

Tank girl x