today sucks

Now lockdown is easing, I’ve had two different hospital departments ring me up last week to book me in for appointments. It was quite nice to go without hospital appointments for the last few months, its been the only real upside to lockdown life.

One appointment was for the podiatrist, he said my new insoles are ready… finally! Feels like I’ve been waiting forever for these new ones. He said he can post them to me or I can come in for an appointment and I said I’d prefer an appointment as if they still aren’t right then he can write down what adjustments they need and send them off there and then, rather then having them posted to me, them not being right and having to go up for an appointment anyway. Made more sense to me to just go in for an appointment. I go there on Thursday morning, I’m really hoping these are better then the last ones as its been nearly 2 years now trying to get these insoles just right.

The second appointment was for cardiology, which I went to this morning and it was a pretty fucking shit experience for a number of reasons.

The first being the face mask, for some reason is provokes such an intense reaction. It makes me feel really angry, really agitated and really anxious. I fucking hate wearing stuff over my face and around my neck, I can’t wear a Halloween mask for the same reason, I can’t fucking stand scarfs either. So as soon as I put that mask on to enter the hospital, my mood completely changed and its not under my control. I just instantly felt on edge and really emotionally dysregulated, I just wanted to take that mask off an leave.

Then I was fitted with a blood pressure monitor which is completely different from the one I was fitted with at the doctors surgery, which stressed me out even more. This one I have on now for 24 hours is uncomfortable, I have the monitor looped around my belt and the wire is all bunched up around my back and isn’t sat flat across my shoulder, its extremely hard to ignore the fact I’m wearing it and I fucking hate it! For bed time I have a softer belt to wear but if possible I’m not going to wear it as a belt, if its long enough I’m going to try and wear it over one shoulder.

The one I had from the doctors surgery a few months back was way better, the monitor itself was in a little bag with a strap, so I wore it over my shoulder which meant the wire wasn’t all bunched up around my back and sat flat around my shoulder. It was barely noticeable and it wasn’t such a stressful experience as this one is turning out to be.

I feel so fucking angry because I don’t feel comfortable and there’s nothing I can do so make myself feel less angry and uncomfortable. I just have to put up with this bullshit till 12 pm tomorrow and then have to drop the fucking thing back off which means wearing a fucking mask again!

I feel so fucking frustrated I want to smash my head in! That’s how intense I feel right now, I can’t wait for this 24 hours to be fucking done!

How I feel is beyond any self soothing skills or any other bullshit skill, I won’t feel better until I can take this fucking thing off.

Before lockdown I could cope ok with changes and sensory things, I was still effected by sudden changes or something that didn’t feel right but I was able to just deal with it and it didn’t often invoke a strong reaction, occasionally is did but not always. But now because lockdown guidelines are forever changing and things are so uncertain and my anxiety is heightened, I simply cannot deal with the smallest of changes or things that don’t feel right. It sends me into a massive internal spin and invokes such intense reactions, which makes me want to physically act out, in hurting myself. Which admittedly I have punched myself in the head, I’ve pinched myself hard, scratched myself, punched my legs. Just anything to stop the intensity of how I feel, the only things I’ve not resorted to yet is cutting myself. Mainly because I’ve not cut for 2 years and 6 months but also I don’t think I’d be able to control myself and I don’t want to have to deal with going to hospital for stitches and being questioned by people.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of maybe being on the autism spectrum because of my sensory issues, the fact I struggle to deal with change and find it difficult to make friends, I don’t like being touched unless I’m in a relationship with someone then its different, I don’t give very good eye contact as I find it really uncomfortable and social situations make me anxious. I also have stuff that I will intensely be interested in, collect etc and same with foods I will eat something for weeks/months on end until I’m sick of it. Also I have a lot of friends past and present who are on the spectrum, which makes sense as people with additional needs tend to gravitate towards each other. I may bring this up with the nurse next week when I go for my T shot and see what she suggest I do and her opinion on whether I could be on the spectrum or not.

Girls with ASD even now get missed and aren’t diagnosed as often as boys are, mainly because when the DX was written about ASD it had boys/men in mind now girls/females. Also girls are often much better at learning how to pretend and mimic their peers, boys don’t often do this and will ore often act out more aggressively so are more likely to be tested for autism, whereas for girls its not often picked up until much later in life.

I was raised as female and actually there’s a high instance of trans people who are on the spectrum, so these two things makes sense as to why maybe if I am on the spectrum it was missed earlier on in my life.

Anyway I’m so over today, I’m going to try and relax and hopefully the intensity of the mass of swirling mess inside subsides enough for me to chill and feel a bit better.

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy – 6 Weeks post op Top surgery

Today marks 6 weeks since I had top surgery and its still feels a bit surreal and kinda dream like, but its the dream I’ve been dreaming for so long and it feels amazing.

I am really fussy with clothes and one of my concerns was that I non of my top would feel right after surgery, but so far I’ve not had any problems, in fact today I tried on a t-shirt that I’ve not worn in a while because it was tight across my chest area and it now fits perfectly! which I’m so happy about, its an Adventure Time t-shirt and its one of my faves.

I can finally sleep on my side properly now! which feels great. I don’t sleep well on my back but I’ve had too. So I’m hoping I can get my sleeping pattern a bit better and hopefully I’ll be able to sleep a bit better now as well.

Now my scars are healed and I have no scabs left I can go swimming! which I am beyond happy about, I love swimming and I love being in the water, near the water. I’m such a water baby! So now I need to get myself some swim shorts and find somewhere to swim. My local pool is always chilly which hurts my bones, but I know another pool close to me is always warmer. But I know the thought and actually doing it will be 2 different things, it will be scary but so freeing!

Apart from like once or twice, I’ve mainly been seen as male when I’m out and about which is amazing! Especially when out with my dogs and people are calling me their DAD! instead of mum, which used to really kill me each time, it was like a dagger through me. I’ve also noticed I get spoken to differently, it’s often quite nuanced but some occasions its more clear.

I’m starting to feel like I’m finding my place, like where I’m meant to be, who I’m meant to be. I don’t think in the 34 years I’ve ever felt like my real self or like I belonged anywhere, I’m slowly starting to feel who I am on the inside. I always felt trapped inside my head, inside this body but now I feel like its all starting to come out and I can live life as the real me and it feels good.

Peace out

Zak

What a week and it’s only Wednesday!

Its only Wednesday and it has already been one hell of a week! I’m absolutely exhausted, in so much pain and so stressed out, literally don’t know how I am continuing to move forward and deal with all of this shit.

So Monday Scrappy went down hill, he was still being sick and he started pooping blood, he then went very lethargic. So I had to scramble around and got two of my friends to help me out but we managed to get him to the vets in the end. I was thinking the worse, as I’ve never seen him so poorly before. But the vet said he’s probably eaten something he shouldn’t have…which knowing scrappy is probably what happened lol. The vet gave him 3 injections, antibiotics, anti-sickness and anti-diarrhea and then some anti-diarrhea paste to give him for the next few days.

Yesterday Scrappy was still really subdue and not eating but today he’s really perked up. He’s eaten and played fetch, he’s still not 100% himself but he didn’t eat for 48 hours and didn’t sleep well for 48 hours so he’s probably exhausted and feeling really weak. I’m sure he’ll be back to his usual old self in a few more days. I’m just glad my baby boy is on the mend, I wouldn’t know what I would do without him or any of my babies.

Monday morning I spent ringing around my doctors and diverse abilities to sort out getting my case together for this tribunal for the disability benefits. I need to chase up one doc to see what’s going on, as I said I am at that hospital next week and can pick it all up.

My psych has been great, I saw him today to catch him up to speed with everything going on, so he’s going to write me an up to date letter for me to use at the tribunal, I just need to show him what I will be writing to them. So I am going to get diverse abilities to send me a copy of the appeal, so I can send to him because my case for the tribunal will still be along the same lines.

This fortnight after I pay out for everything I have £38… Yes I did treat myself to a £6 top and a haircut that cost £9 but I think I deserve a small treat after everything I’ve been through. But I can’t afford to get a taxi to my hospital app next week, so I’ve asked my brother to take me but I can’t afford to pay car parking because its expensive and I can’t expect my brother to either, so he’s just dropping me off. I have no money to socialise, which I know its not what it is for BUT because of my illnesses I get isolated very easily, so with no money to do anything, I will become isolated, bored and depressed.. This is no life at all, its just not fair! I just hate this so much, having to prove over and over that I am sick and “worthy” to be “awarded” these benefits. Its soul destroying to go over all my limitations and all the things that I struggle with or can’t do. I cannot WAIT for it all to be over, I will fight until I get my money, I need this money to live instead of just about surviving like I am right now.

Over the last few years I’ve watched helplessly as my health has gone down hill and I’ve not been able to do a thing about it. At the moment I am still having issues with my re-occurring sinus infections but next Fri I meet my new ENT doc. I am anxious about it but at the same time I can’t wait because it does need to be sorted out. Also this last week or so my right knee has been swollen after well doing anything and its has been really painful…But I can’t see my GP until next week. I had a letter to say he wants to see me, but the receptionists can’t possibly tell me why and they still cannot see me until Tues.. lol. I am over dealing with the gate keepers of the doctors, I just hope he doesn’t urgently need to see me for anything because well Tues will have to do.

So how do I feel right now? I really don’t know to be honest, overwhelmed is probably the right word to use right now. It’s all a bit too much and I have SO much to do and I am organising it all myself. I’m just grateful for the friends that I have around me right now and my brother, they are helping to keep me afloat.

I’m surprised that my dark passenger hasn’t made himself known, I think finally after 20 years I am totally in control of this dark addiction that I held so closely for most of my life. Finally there is a distance between us and he’s no longer walking anywhere near me. Throughout all of this stress I could have easily given my dark passenger permission to just take hold of me again but it hasn’t even crossed my mind, which is a huge step for me. I have cut once in about two and a half years and I am extremely proud of myself for that because before I stopped, cutting (my dark passenger) totally controlled my life, say if my current situation with benefits, health etc was to happen 4 years ago then I would probably be cut to shreds, I would probably be cutting every day because of the stress. Like I said I’ve not thought about and even now talking about it, isn’t a trigger at all, which again is a huge improvement for me. I’ve said before that I enjoyed cutting but now I understand myself a lot more and understand that I have sensory processing issues and that is why I enjoyed it. Now I am aware of that I have different things that I use when I need that sensory feeling or whatever, its difficult to explain.

I’m glad I’ve written about all this because it has shown me that despite all of the shit I am going through, I do have things that I can still be proud of 🙂 and that is a good mood booster, least I am still moving forward and making progress.

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Batman