Another allergic reaction to yet another antibiotic

I’m ALIVE! YAY! although I still look a bit like a zombie because I’m exhausted. But I am more human today thankfully.

I am so glad I didn’t start my antibiotics on Friday, I took them Tues night before going to bed and I woke up early hours Wednesday morning with severe stomach pains and shortly after came sickness and diarrhea. This carried on until just after midday, thankfully it didn’t last any longer because I couldn’t take my pain killers until I could keep water down.

I was in agony from head to toe, I couldn’t stop sleeping, I was freezing, I was virtually blue because I was so cold. I couldn’t get warm, my feet were the worst they were like ice blocks.

Managed to get up long enough to ask my next door neighbour to take the pups out for a wee for me, as I just couldn’t stand up long enough to do it myself and I needed to try and keep warm. He was so great and happily took them out for me and I was so so grateful for that.

My food shopping delivery came and I managed to throw it all into the right places in the kitchen, before collapsing back onto the sofa.

I did manage to stomach some Pepsi and just plain bread before taking my meds and going to bed…yeah cuz I needed more sleep…lol!

I slept like a log last night, the best nights sleep in ages actually. I didn’t wake up till 9 am and I went to sleep at about 11 pm. But I so needed it after being so ill yesterday.

I stayed in bed until just gone half 10am but I’d let scrappy out on the balcony to pee and left my bedroom door open so the cats could come in and the pups could go get a drink or food. It was nice relaxing in bed watching tv with all the animals in bed with me πŸ™‚

I managed to do the housework and do like 3 loads of laundry, the housework took a bit longer then usual because I kept having to stop and sit down. But I did it and felt loads better for it, the flat was an absolute bomb site lol.

Went over the road with the pups and they were off like little rockets bless them, racing around chasing each other. Luckily there are benches over there because again I kept having to sit down because I felt so weak.

After getting back with the pups I thought I better try and eat something filling but plain, so I made myself some rice and I ate it all and felt better for it.

Just relaxed and watched tv, played with the laser pen and made all the animals go crazy lol!

Spent some time playing Lego Dimensions with the new Ghostbusters level pack and the Joker and Harley Quinn team pack. Love this game so much, it always makes me feel happy.

I felt well enough to try to eat a bit of dinner and luckily I had a portion of beef stroganoff that was in the fridge, which is what I was planning on having for dinner yesterday but it was still ok to eat today. I didn’t make anything to go with it though and I’m glad I didn’t because it filled me up just on its own. I feel less weak now and back to my normal self.

After I’d eaten I noticed that my note pad had a list of medications on there that I had written down on Monday after I did my pill box up. This list of medication were ones I needed to re-order but I hadn’t done that yet. I took the pups out for a quick wee first, dropped them back and then went back out to re-order my medications. Glad it’s all sorted and I will be able to pick them up Mon evening.

Just been catching up on internet stuff this evening, I feel loads better then I did this morning, I just feel exhausted…well more then usual anyway lol.

So by my count I am now allergic to 6 antibiotics, which is very frustrating when I need them because of my stupid immune system!

How am I feeling right now? Other then extremely tired, I feel ok. Just relieved that the sickness is over. But yeah feeling ok is better then feeling low.

That’s all from this boy right now, I need to go get some sleep.

Peace out

Batman

I will never stop fighting – Benefits suck!

Ah Sunday evening…which means I have another week ahead of me to deal with! UrghΒ UndecidedΒ and I have a few battles to deal with this week.

I had some shit news through the post and WOW it’s utterly disgusting and I got so mad! So my disability living allowance benefit was ending so I had to re-apply but for something called personal independent payment, which is the same benefit just different name. I had to fill out a form and go for a face to face assessment with a physiotherapist who doesn’t know me or anything about my illnesses. Anyway whatever she wrote was obviously a load of SHIT! Because a few things weren’t mentioned like the fact I walked in with my walking stick and my recent manic episode. It goes by a points system and you have to get between 8-12 points to qualify for this benefit. I got 4 fucking points! and that was because I have a stool in my shower and a stool in the kitchen, it didn’t take into consideration anything else. My assessment was 2 hours long, I may as well have sat there and said fuck all! because it wouldn’t have made a difference. It’s disgusting it really is, I am ill, I am unable to work. Yet all of a sudden I am not ill enough to be awarded (which sounds like I’ve won a lottery or something, which it pretty much is) this money. If anything my condition has got worse over the years! I mean WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

Now I have to appeal this bullshit, another battle I have to find the strength for. But there is a charity called Diverse Abilities who I can use to help me with this process. I’ll sort that out tomorrow at some point, but the sooner I sort it out the better. So I will push myself to get on it.

Despite all this bullshit going on, I still managed to have a good weekend and I tried just to put it all to the back of my mind. Which I managed for the most part.

I did the housework Saturday morning, sorted out a place for Harvey to sleep in my bedroom.

I left to go pick him up and as soon as I walked in Albert wanted to fight me and Harvey was showing my minecraft stuff.

Harvey and I got the bus to Poole, which takes so LONG! We were just chatting about all sorts πŸ™‚ He’s so grown up now, love being able to have proper conversations now.

Grabbed him some lunch, stopped at the post office to post something to a friend’s kids. We had a look in a few shops while on our way down to the comic book shop. WOW I could stay in that shop all day long and buy like everything Batman. I got myself a comic and Harvey picked a deadpool comic.

We went and picked up the dogs and went for a walk down baiter. It was freaking cold down there by the sea and at one point I picked up foxy and put her in my jacket because she was shaking so much lol. Harvey had fun climbing across the rocks and the pups had fun running about and my crazy scrappy even went in the sea for a swim. I enjoyed the walk, it was definitely refreshing.

I took ages to warm up when we got in and I hurt so much, because I’d got so cold and I was standing around waiting for Harvey to climb over the rocks.

We chilled out watching both of the Ghostbusters films which was cool, I love these films as I grew up watching them and it’s great to share that with Harvey too.

H came over for the evening which was nice, Harvey asked my several times if she was coming over. He adores her so much, I love watching them together, it’s just so lovely.

Treated Harvey to pizza hut and I definitely deserved a treat. He’s a growing boy and ate 3 slices of pizza, which was about how much I ate.

We just chilled out chatting, watching tv. Harvey said he was hungry…and I don’t really have snack foods in, so I went to pick up some munch for my boy and my meds too.

Whilst I was out H and Harvey were having an argument about speed running, as Harvey didn’t believe that H can do it and that she’s 11th in the world. So H set up my ps2 and speed ran through Jak and Daxer at any percent. Harvey loved it, he sat and watched and asked lots of questions about what she was doing. H timed it and everything to prove to him, it was so funny.

Put him to bed after the speed running fun, it was 10:30 pm! H left too as she was intending to stay that long lol! Was good of her to stay and show Harvey.

I was just chilling, watching tv and playing on my tab. But I kept feeling anxious, like I felt sick to my stomach. I hate anxiety so much, I’ve not had bad anxiety like that for a while. It feels like I am about to die or my hearts about to beat out of my chest.

The anxiety settled a bit eventually, after lots of deep breathing and mindfulness. I didn’t get the bed until 2 am though, as I knew I wouldn’t sleep if I went to bed as anxious as I was.

I didn’t wake up until 9:30 am and Harvey was already awake but just being quiet playing on his phone.

We just relaxed, watched Cartoon Network and I had a nap for a bit on the sofa. I could have done with a bit more sleep but I had to get us over to L’s.

It didn’t take long to get me, Harvey and the pups ready to go. We headed out in the freezing cold to get the bus, I so hope it doesn’t snow..boo.

Harvey and I nodded off on the bus lol! I woke up just as we got to the stop before the one we had to get off at! PHEW!

The pups were all happy to see each other and Arnie was so happy to see me that he pissed all over me…. What if humans did that lol!

Just relaxed playing with Albert and the pups and talking to L too πŸ™‚ while she was sorting out dinner.

Dinner was SO nice and I even managed to get Albert to say and eat carrot! WOOHOO! He’s hit terrible twos and is really fussy with his food at the moment. He’s such a funny boy though.

I did my manly duties and did the washing up for L πŸ™‚ I dropped a plate in the washing up bowl and I managed to get bubbles on scrappy’s head! which he didn’t notice right away.

I didn’t want to stay too late, as I am tired and wanted to just go home and relax. But before I left I had to sort out Harvey’s ps3 as he’d accidentally put another disc in when there was already a disc in there, luckily I managed to get both of them out!

Me and the pups got back just before 6 pm, the flat was so cold. I stuck the heating on high and put my joggy bottoms on, my hips were aching and needed some comfy, soft trousers.

So ages ago when scrappy was small, he ate a wire that connected the sky box and internet. But I’ve finally got around to getting another wire…which I got before xmas lol! and I’ve been meaning to sort it out since then. But I was feeling hella manly so I decided to do a bit of DIY! and used tower cable clips to attach the wire to the wall, up and above the curtain rail. Surprisingly it didn’t take too long to do and I didn’t injure myself! WOOHOO!

Still feeling manly and like I needed to DO something, I sat and painted some boxes black. I am waiting for them to dry before I can cover them in PVA glue, so the paint won’t flake off. I made lots of mess and the cats ran across the sheet I was using and now I have foot prints on the kitchen floor! Cannot wait to cover them in glue tomorrow πŸ˜€ eeep.

Just been chilling this evening and the pups have been asleep since we got in. They are always shattered after seeing Arnie πŸ™‚ least they’ve had good fun and I did too. I am really tired too but I needed to get this all out before I can sleep tonight.

My plan for tomorrow is to contact Diverse abilities to start this appeal. I am going to cover my boxes with glue, I’ve got to do the housework at some point and I might put one of my new Lego sets together. I then have my trans group social in the evening, which I am looking forward too. We are starting up our formal therapy sessions again on the 2nd of Feb at over the rainbow, so looking forward to that as well πŸ™‚

I’m feeling MUCH better then I did yesterday, I’m not angry, depressed or anxious now. I’ve just accepted what has happened and what I have to do to fix it and I will make sure that I take extra care of myself while going through all of this.

“Accept the things you cannot change & change the things you can” Something I try and live by and it really helps in situations like I am right now with my benefits.

I love taking pictures.

Harvey having fun climbing across the rocks.

Β My beautiful boy πŸ™‚

Β Bournemouth balloon looks so pretty at night.

I got nice and messy, it is the best! I love getting messy.

 Really tired pups ❀

Even with all the bullshit I have to deal with, from my health, dealing with doctors, medications and side effects, benefits, gender stuff… I still come out fighting and I have now idea how, or even why sometimes. But I do, there’s a fire within me that burns because I want to live and I want to keep my independence, I want to keep my animals, I want to keep my life how it is right now. My life is no where NEAR perfect and I am always a work in progress and I will always keep fighting and when I think I can’t I have a handful of friends that I know will help carry me until I can fight again. I am very blessed to have them in my life ❀

I am proud of how far I have come, I was a different person now then I was say 4-5 years ago. I am a much better person then I was but like I said I am a work in progress, I am not aiming for perfection, I just want to be the best me I can be πŸ™‚

I needed to end this post on a positive note, to remind myself that I am a good person and I have worked hard with my therapy to change bad behaviours etc. And to remind everyone, it’s never to late for change and you can change.;:

Β  πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

This is what a good week feels like :)

I have had a long, busy but good week. I don’t really know where to start.

I’m feeling good though, despite the joint pain and the lingering sinus infection, I’ve been able to maintain a stable mood.

I was going to do a video blog this weekend but didn’t get around to it. Going to definitely try and do one at some point this week.

Mon 4th – I don’t remember much from Monday, as it’s so long ago now lol. I probably did the housework in the morning but I do remember I had a friend and her pup over in the afternoon for a few hours which was cool, I got us burger king for lunch and then we chilled out. I made myself a nice steak dinner.

Tues – 5th Just relaxed for most of the day until I had to go over to pick up Arnie from L’s as she was in hospital with an asthma attack. Didn’t really do much the rest of the day other then play with the pups and game.

Wednesday 6th – In the morning I did the housework, took the pups for a run and then picked up my nephew.

I looked in a few shops on the way back to mine with Leo, when we got back to mine I set Leo on the floor with his toys but he was happy playing with the pups lol.

I put dinner on in the slow cooker, sausage and bean casserole. Not made it for a while and it was really nice.

Lunch time, I fed Leo and I had something to eat too. He was getting sleepy so he went down for a nap for and hour. Whilst he was sleeping I filled out my forms for ESA. Not sure if they will be able to read it though, my writing is awful.

Played with Leo and the pups after his nap, then took him home.

I had dinner and chilled out for an hour or so, I was so so tired!

Then got the bus to take Arnie home, only stopped there for 10 mins and then walked over to my friends house, T&C. We exchanged our Christmas presents which was cool, they got me some nice things. I didn’t stay too late because I needed to get home to sleep.

Thursday 7th – I had a chilled out morning, then went to my Mindout LGBTQ mental health group. It was a good session πŸ™‚ I took part of the session where we talked about trans stuff, like the difference between trans and transvestite etc. They all loved the word search too πŸ™‚

After group I went to the hospital to get my bone density scan done, didn’t have to wait around too long and was pretty much in and out.

I don’t remember what happened in the evening, I’m tired so my brain fog is really bad right now.

Friday 8th – I slept well again, my sleep has been loads better since being on the 50 mgs of Quetiapine and my appetite has been better too. I’ve put on a 3lbs but as long as I don’t put on any more I will stay on this dose.

Had the Weymouth Mindout group and again I took part of the session on trans stuff and again it went well and I really enjoyed it πŸ™‚ I also got called gentleman by a police officer while I was tidying up.

Just chilled out in the evening, playing with the pups and the cats. I did the housework before going to bed so I didn’t have to worry about it over the weekend.

Saturday 9th – Had a relaxing morning, I took the pups across the road for a quick run an wee.

I watched a few animated Batman films and put my new Batman Lego set together which didn’t take long at all.

Spent time playing with the pups trying to tire them out. Didn’t really work though.

I spent a few hours gaming, playing blur. Ah love it! I got so into it, I kept shouting when I failed lol!

In the evening I had a friend over, we had Pizza hut, we talked and we watched a film called Sucker Punch, which is a top favourite of mine. After we went for a short walk with the dogs down the the Quay and back. It was nice spending time with E and she said today that it helped her too πŸ™‚

Sunday 10th – I slept until 11 am which was much needed. I got showered and dressed, went into town and got myself chilli cheese bites for lunch, I went to Asda to get a few bits in that I needed.

Had some lunch and messaged and friend to see if her and her dog wanted to go for a walk, so she came and picked me and the pups up. We went to Hamworthy park and we as got there is rained so so hard! It didn’t last long though thankfully, we were able to get out and walk the pups. They all got nice and wet and muddy! and me and F got some nice fresh air, which is always a good thing.

Came back to mine after the walk, towel dried off all the pups. Watched The Lego Movie πŸ™‚ and just chatted more. Which was really nice.

After I made some cheese biscuits, which were so simple to make and didn’t take long at all. I did it all by hand as I don’t have a blender, only a hand blender and that made a bit of a mess lol! But they are so nice but next time I will definitely use a bit more cheese.

Just been relaxing this evening πŸ™‚ and writing this has taken up most of my evening, but I don’t mind.

I have a bit of a quieter week a head, got my 1:1 gender counselling, will be meeting with a few different friends at some point or another, pups are both having their hair cut on Friday and obviously Mindout group on Thursday. So yeah should be a good week.

I am going to try and make myself a beef stroganoff at some point this week as I really enjoyed it when I had it Christmas eve. So I am going to see if I can cook it as well, I don’t see why not. A resolution of mine, which I just thought of today is to try and learn how to cook different meals, rather then just cook the same old thing all the time. I need to learn to cook different meals to mix it up a bit and maybe this will help with my food issues.

I do find cooking difficult for a few different reasons, one is the fact it takes energy and causes me joint pain. But with the stool that’s eased it a lot, so I can enjoy it more. I struggle with concentration and will wander away from what I am doing, so I can re-focus myself.. Although it has been known I stop to do something else getting completely engaged and nearly burning down the flat! and I struggle with timing as well, my maths is ok-ish. But I get the concept of time but I struggle with what 5 minutes feels like because sometimes 5 minutes to me feels like an hour..so I find it hard to judge time… haha I just got side tracked to see if I could find out why I can’t really judge how long a period of time is but couldn’t find anything. It’s probably the adhd and dyslexia. But anyway yeah it takes a LOT of energy, organisation and brain power for me to cook a meal, I can’t just do it on auto pilot, even meals I’ve cooked before I still have to look at the recipe to make sure it’s right.

Anyway that’s enough from me. I will let you all know if the cooking a new dish goes well for me or not…fingers crossed it will πŸ™‚

Oh I did have some awesome things happen this week, I got called Sir and Gentleman both on a separate occasion. So I was well happy with that πŸ™‚ it sadly doesn’t happen often at the moment. I’m sure it will in time and further along my transition.

Β Picture of Benny and the pups playing πŸ™‚

Β Cheese biscuits.

Β New Lego set

Β Harley and Marley πŸ™‚

Scrappy, Arnie and Foxy all watching me eat dinner lol!

Peace out

Batman

ARRRGH! There are no words

I am not quite sure where to start today… there are SO many things on my lil brain today. Well the same as every day I suppose lol!

I started the day by managing to pull a chunk of skin out of my finger before I’d even gotten out of bed and got blood everywhere. I have a batman symbol on my necklace and it is a bit pointy and sharp. I somehow managed to hook it into my finger and as I got up I pulled the skin off and it pissed with blood all over the place lol.

Despite the start to the day it’s not actually been too bad. I’ve done the housework and laundry, got some bits from the shop, so everything is all sorted for tomorrow. I like when everything is all in order and sorted, makes me feel good.

This afternoon I had a short nap, I was just so tired after cleaning and going to the shop. But it was nice πŸ™‚ and I needed it.

After I met up with my friend and her dog and went for a nice dog walk πŸ™‚ I was totally shattered afterwards lol. It was a nice walk though and the dogs definitely needed it.

This evening I got a call from the hospital to say that they cannot guarantee me a bed tomorrow. Which has angered me to know end, literally so furious. So what happens now is that I have to go in tomorrow as planned and I won’t know until about 8 am – 8:30 am whether they have a bed for me and if they are able to take my teeth out or not. If not then I just go home and they re-book it, but I am just so hoping that this will not be the case, as I’ve waited 10 months already for this! I was anxious about tomorrow but now I am even more anxious. Also because they have got my gender down as female…not sure WHY! because I think I remember telling the nurse I saw in July that I was trans…but whatever, so afterwards I will be stuck on a same-sex ward with woman… I may say something when I get there but… if the beds are short then yeah it will probably be an issue, especially as I haven’t started a physical transition. URGH! so complicated. So yeah I am stressed for tomorrow, I just want it over an done with now. So yeah fingers crossed it actually happens!

So once again I am not sure how I feel other then stressed and anxious. They are only secondary emotions, I don’t know what I primarily feel. Mind I think I am probably in a state of disassociation again from my body, I still have the weird controlled breathing again. But I am just trying hard no to focus on it so it doesn’t get worse.

Right I gotta sort my stuff out for tomorrow, what clothes I am going to wear and what I need to take with me. JOYS!

I may not write for a few days now IF they do my teeth tomorrow. So yeah πŸ™‚ fingers crossed!

Peace out

Batman

I love guided meditation

Ah yes! Sunday this bullshit week is practically over! And I am feeling a bit better then I have done. But that’s mainly down to doing some guided meditation, which really helped to ground me.

A quick catch up –

Saturday – Β I actually woke up feeling ok, because I did my metoject injection the night before I was half expecting to feel really poorly but thankfully I felt ok.

I’m sat here trying to remember what I did but I can’t remember. I didn’t feel too great though, I felt really restless. I was trying to relax but I just couldn’t.

By about 1:30 pm I was so restless that I just had to get out. So I took the pups down to Bournemouth beach. It was a really nice walk once I was able to actually get on the beach. There was a marathon thing on, which is great cuz it’s for charity and whatever…BUT it was really fucking difficult to get on and off the beach! I just wanted to fucking walk my dogs! WOW even that was fucking hard work. Whoever organised it, did not do it well! But whilst actually on the beach me and the pups had fun, so least that was good.

Oh I got some bad news in the post…They’ve cancelled my appointment to take my teeth out while I’m asleep…just said due to unforseen circumstances. I have been waiting 10 fucking months for this appointment! I am not impressed. But I have to wait till tomorrow to sort it out.

I didn’t have any dinner, just munched on bits and bobs, I was too tense to eat anything. The stress and the anger of the week had all built up and I was feeling really agitated.

I was in bed by half 10 pm and I knew I needed to do some meditation but I wasn’t able to do it on my own. So I found an app called Stop, Breathe and Think, for guided meditation and it was so good and really relaxed me and I felt all the heaviness go and the anger melt away. I fell asleep pretty much straight away.

Well today I woke up about half 8 am but I felt like I’d actually slept for the first time this week. Had my breakfast and watched tv. I did have a lil nap for a bit which was nice.

My friend text to see if I was up…I was up but only just lol! So I hopped in the shower, got dressed and nipped to the shop to get a few bits and waited for my friend to come over.

We spent the afternoon just chatting and watching films and the x-files. It was nice just to relax and catch up, also it was a really nice day and there’s only been one other day this week that’s actually been good, so 2 out of 7 is ok I suppose lol.

I had my dinner, sorted out all my lists for the week. My list of what I am doing and when, what bills are coming out and when. Then what dinners I am going to cook and this week on the menu is cottage pie, veg and ham risotto and corn beef hash! I cannot wait to eat it all πŸ™‚ I’ve done my shopping list so I know what I need to get too. I am thinking of trying going to Lidl instead of Asda as I know it will be loads cheaper. Will have to see how that goes and whatever I can’t get in there I can go get in Asda.

I am feeling a lot better today, my head is in a much better place. Meditation is so powerful and this app I found is great, definitely going to do it before I go to sleep tonight.

Have a busy-ish day tomorrow, got the housework and laundry to do in the morning, I need to go up to the hospital and get my bloods done and possibly see if I can sort out re-booking my hospital app while I’m there, that will probably be much easier then trying to ring them. I’ll just go to where I went to book it the first time round and take the letter and see what happens.

In the evening I have my trans group social at a cafe called Flirt, that’s always fun, I always look forward to going up there with the pups.

That’s it for tomorrow…I say that’s it but that’s more then enough lol.

Anyway I’m going to wrap this up, as I need to take the pups out before I get to bed and do some guided meditation.

Peace out

Batman

Anti-social day

I hate today, it’s a total fucking write off and I cannot wait to get into bed.

My alarm went of at 7 am, as I needed to be in Bournemouth by 10 am. I did my morning stuff to get myself ready to go out and by 8 am my day was totally fucking ruined, by yet another fucking dog walker that doesn’t have a clue about dog behaviour.

This is my FB status I posted this morning, to explain what happened.

I’m really starting to fucking hate taking the pups out and not because of their behaviour but the absolute cunts we come across! Some fucking cunt this morning pushed foxy away from her fucking huge Labrador! Because foxy was barking at him, she wasn’t being aggressive in the slightest, she was wagging her tail wanting to play with him and scrappy was trying to play too. But no apparently my two massive aggressive dogs shouldn’t be off a fucking lead if I can’t control them! No my dog’s aren’t perfect, but my dog’s did fucking nothing other than doing what normal dog’s do. I’m fucking so fucking angry. The fact that she pushed my tiny 3kg dog away like she was about to fucking attack her! Fucking stupid fucking cunt!! I’m shaking I’m so angry!

Yeah I was insanely crazy! How dare she touch my dog like that! It took everything I had not to say anything and not to punch her in the face because that’s all I wanted to do.

So yeah this pretty set me up for a bad day, I just couldn’t let go of this anger and I’m still feeling a bit angry now.

I left the flat at 8:50 am to go get the bus and for some reason poor Foxy was shaking when I left, maybe she picked up on my anger. Anyway I got to the bus station and the first bus that was going to where I needed to be, pulled up but left straight away…Yeah helpful! Then the second bus didn’t even turn up. So I had to hop on a bus that was going near where I needed to get off but not down to exact road like the other buses. By the time the bus left it was half past 9 am and we got stuck in traffic on a roundabout for ages, by the time we got not even half way it was was 9:50 am! So I decided to get off the bus, I didn’t want to walk into a classroom full of people I don’t know being really late! I hate being late with an absolute passion! All this made me even more fucking angry, so it was definitely best I didn’t go because I just wouldn’t be in the right place to get anything from it.

When I got off the bus, I went and had a look in a couple of shops that aren’t in town and don’t go to often. I bought scrappy a new wishbone shaped Kony toy to keep him busy while I’m out.

Got home, played with the pups and gave scrappy his new toy, which he really loved and I knew he would, my boy is all about treats! I rang up the Department of Work and Pensions and started my new claim for Personal Independent Payment, which will take over from my Disability Living Allowance, so they will send me out a form for me to fill in and send back. That is one massive weight off my mind because it’s started now.

Had a nap because I was so other with the day already. I couldn’t do anything else, just needed some time out.

I needed a few bits from the shop, but I ended up coming out with a load of Halloween stuff too. I’ve decided to dress up as Dracula πŸ™‚ I’ve got a cape, make-up blood, fangs and I’ve seen a t-shirt that looks like a shirt that Dracula wears under his cape, so I’m going to order that next week. I need to get myself a fake cane as well. Shopping for Halloween stuff made me feel a bit better.

I was feeling a bit restless and wanted to go and walk the dogs. But I didn’t want to go where we usually do, as it’s busy and I wasn’t in the mood to be dealing with people. Instead I took the dogs up to the heath, where I grew up and it was really nice. Only came across one other dog and dog walker but we saw a few cyclists. It was just so nice to be up and away from the general population of people, just me and the dogs in the sunshine on the heathland πŸ™‚ just what we all needed. I took some really nice pictures too.

I did have a plan this evening and that was to have dinner, do online stuff and clean up. But instead I had dinner, caught up on my online stuff and the cleaning can wait. It’s not that untidy today because I’ve been really keeping on top of the housework because it does effect my mood when its messy. It can wait until Friday when I have a full free day.

Here are some pictures from today

Peace out

Batman

Video blogging boy :D

Ah so it’s been a crazy evening! I’ve pretty much been on the laptop since getting home this evening. It’s been really productive though πŸ™‚ I’ve not just been wasting my time on here and I’m feeling really good today too, considering I started today not really knowing how I felt.

I slept ok last night but I was up at 7 am for no reason, so I did my usual had something to eat and fell back to sleep on the sofa till 10 am when my alarm went off, which was a far more reasonable time then bloody 7 am! Plus I’m still recovering from the London trip, I am so tired and achy today. The bottom of my feet are sore, the muscles hurt and the skin on my hand is really peeling today.

I did my normal morning getting ready to go out stuff and took the pups for a quick walk and wee. Settled them in the hallway with treats and toys and headed out to get the bus to group.

Group was really good today πŸ™‚ since certain people have left its been such a breath of fresh air, the group dynamics definitely needed shaking up and it’s worked, it’s so refreshing. The mood is much lighter which is what you need when you are having a rough time. Had a good giggle today and we talked about opposite to emotion action, which I did a little bit of explaining about πŸ™‚ and yeah it was just a really fun group.

On my way to get the bus, I did have a lil look at a few shops. I didn’t buy anything I was just browsing. Mainly getting ideas for xmas..eep! lol.

When I got into Poole I popped into the sweet shop and got myself some sweets and said hello to S and W, was nice to catch up with them.

I finally got home to my very happy puppies and kitty’s πŸ™‚ and I had a light bulb moment and made a YouTube video of how to make a inexpensive dog treat toy πŸ™‚ which so far has been a hit with my friends. I spent some time sorting out my YouTube and arranging my videos into playlists.

I made a start of my very first video blog! I was pretty nervous about it but I just went for it! and as it stands at 11:27 pm I have 9 views! Which I am really chuffed with as its only been uploaded for 2 hours. This blog was just an introduction to well me and a brief overview of all my illness’s and I briefly touched upon being trans as well. I will do more in depth videos on being trans, living with bipolar and living with a chronic illness, I need to put a bit more thought into what I am going to do, what I am going to say etc. I may do a video at some point tomorrow… I’ve got lots of ideas and I really want my channel to take off πŸ™‚ and I hope I am able to help people.

I ordered my food shopping this evening, thought I better sort it out lol!

Anyway here are some pictures πŸ™‚

I saw this Tuesday morning before I left for London, it was put in my view for a reason πŸ™‚

Me on the bus to group, looking and feeling fly. I love taking pictures of myself now I’ve lost weight.

Monday when I took the pups to L’s πŸ™‚ they were just all relaxing together like best buddies ❀

My gorgeous sleeping babies ❀

My scrappy boy loves swimming in the sea πŸ™‚

Foxy girl checking out the beach ❀ this is where we scattered my dear dad ❀

My gorgeous Harley and Marley. Lil Harley was pleased I bought a new box home for her to play with πŸ™‚ ❀

My beautiful Scrappy and Foxy girl ❀ my four babies are my absolute world ❀

Well that’s it for tonight,

Peace out

Batman

Past traumas

Tonight I’ve been thinking and writing and I think I have found some causes/reasons as to why I think and feel the way I do sometimes. But it’s not a bad thing, it’s good to know why I am why I am, I don’t really think there’s much I can do about it though. Time will tell I suppose.

I’ll catch up quick before I go into the “deep thoughts” lol.

Thursday – L had a rare day and evening without the boys, so I decided to give group a miss and spend the day with her and have some adult time πŸ™‚

We took the pups for a walk, which was so so nice because it was so sunny and beautiful.

We had lunch at mine and chilled out for a bit and had a laugh. Settled the pups in the hallway with treats and toys, so they would be ok while we were out.

I took L to her hospital appointment, as I knew where she had to go. It was a good appointment and she did get a few answers, although I am sort of hoping that the bloods will revel something else as it would be a bit more of an answer then just fibro… but we will see.

After the appointment we went to the cinema πŸ™‚ we saw Sinister 2. L had never been to that cinema before so that was cool to show her where I love seeing films. We were the only 2 people in the entire showing lol, it was a good job because L screamed out LOUD like twice lol!

We came back to mine, ordered pizza hut for dinner πŸ™‚ which was so lush! Took the pups out for a wee and we sat in bed and both did some colouring, while the first Sinister film was on in the background, we didn’t watch it all though. Both our meds kicked in so we needed to sleep.

It was an interesting nights sleep lol, with 3 dogs in the bed. L’s dog Arnie kept sleeping on my head and they were all a bit restless. So I didn’t sleep that well but I slept enough to get through the day.

Friday – I woke up at 10 am, L had woken up before me. We chilled out for a bit. L got ready and left mine, so I had to get off my butt and get myself ready…urgh which I had to push myself because I just wanted to sleep. I managed it though..just lol.

M picked me up for the Weymouth group, it was nice to catch up on the way there. The group was good and it was nice to see everyone. When I got there though and I felt so tired, cold and poorly but I got through the group ok.

I got in at half 6, I cuddled my happy pups and kitties πŸ™‚ just seeing them makes me feel better. Sadly I couldn’t sit down for long, but I did make some money and sold a Superdry coat that I’ve hardly worn, I nipped into the shop to get a few bits.

I felt so awful when I got in and just wanted to snuggle up in bed but before I could do so I had to take the pups out for a quick wee and run. I then snuggled up in bed with my tab, my colouring, food, Pepsi, tablets, tv and my pups.

It was very much needed, I relaxed, had some food, finished my picture in my Animorphia book and started another in my new book. I played on my tab, snuggled with the pups and went to sleep πŸ™‚

Today I woke up early, had a drink, breakfast and pain meds and then went back to sleep until 11 am.

I cleaned up my shit pit of a flat but I felt better for it. Got myself cleaned up too and I took the pups out for a wee and a quick run.

I spent the afternoon, watching a film and I finished colouring in the lil Hedgehog I started last night, who is really cute and I love it πŸ™‚

Had a nice chunky soup for dinner, then took the pups out for a walk, we were out for 2 hours. It was nice and sunny but the weather was chilly.

This evening I’ve just been relaxing and writing.

So this all brings me back to the now, I’m feeling a little chesty, snotty and tired but that’s nothing unusual. I think I am having a lil flare right now because the skin on my index fingers are peeling too which is another sign.

Mentally I am doing ok-ish, I’m struggling a little, with a bit of everything I suppose. Struggling with the gender dysphoria, my mood, eating/food/appetite/food shopping and unpicking my past and why I feel the way I do.

I think it’s weird how things come out as I am writing and talking about things. I suppose it’s a good thing though because then I can deal with these things that pop up and unpick things.

I was having a conversation with someone about why I feel like a boy and this was my reply –

I suppose I do feel like a boy because I’m pre hormones and pre any operations so at the moment I am only a boy in mind and how I express myself (how I dress etc) I always refer to myself as a boy.

But I also feel young as well, even though I am 30, I live on my own, look after myself and my flat and my pets. I still feel about 15 but I think that is down to trauma… maybe. The trauma being my parents divorced 2 years before I was 15 but it was extremely messy for a long time after. At 15 years old I finally got a diagnosis of a life long illness which is a auto immune disorder. Β So I think I’ve processed all these events as trauma, so I still feel at that young age.

I also feel quite young because of my interests, I love Batman and playing with Lego’s, colouring in and I just want to play, mess about and have fun. But again I know that comes down to being forced to grow up quickly and had to let go of my childhood and toys when I wasn’t ready at all. So again I think I just regress.

But yeah so I’m a boy but I’m ok with that. But after my transition I have this image of being a suave, handsome gentleman lol but I’ll still be this lil skater boy that might look a little bit older lol and that’s all.

Yeah so I discovered that what I went through at 13 and 15 is/was a trauma/traumatic event. Which is why I feel young and portray myself or others see me as young because I am stuck at that age, I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it.

I feel as though I have made my peace with my parents divorce, it is what it is and dad isn’t here now anyway. I do feel though that the situation has impacted on the relationship with my mum and it is the way it is in part to that whole horrible, ugly situation. But her actions since then haven’t helped out relationship at all either.. and I do have a lot of resentment towards her and I would go as far as saying that I actually hate her and I have no real desire for her to be in my life any more. That sounds awful because she brought me into this world but she’s not been the best mother ever. But it doesn’t mean that my feelings aren’t valid just because she’s my mother. I am pretty much done with the relationship but a tiny part holds on because we she is my mum… But it’s toxic and there’s nothing I can do to improve it because I’ve tried over and over. I feel like I am going around in circles a bit with this relationship…

The trauma at 15 of being diagnosed with a life long illness, now I act like I am fine with it and I deal with it. But I do struggle with it, I struggle with it a lot more then I probably let on to people. But I really have no choice but to just get on with it, look after myself etc because no one else is going to do it for me, maybe it makes me a bit closed to other people but I have to protect myself because any small thing could tip me over and it’s very hard to get myself back on a even keel. It was hard growing up with an illness and invisible illness, it was hard missing out on lots of my schooling. I’ve never had any help in dealing with the emotional toll that dealing with a physical illness leaves you with. That help has never been there, even though I’ve asked more then 100 times over the past 15 yrs. Just left to deal with it.. and it’s not like mum was really there to help either.

Urgh so yeah…. lots of things even coming out from writing more now. I think I’m going to take all this to counselling on Tues and maybe pick through it there.

It’s late now, so I need to start wrapping this up and getting some sleep.

Wow this was a heavy one but it all comes from the heart.

Peace out

Batman

Rested and Centred boy

Well this Sunday has been pretty perfect and I really enjoyed some quality me time and quality time with my fur babies πŸ™‚ it was much needed. I’m slowly recovering from the summer activities, which don’t get me wrong was amazing and so much fun. But my poor lil body and mind over did it and now I need to spend time repairing that.

So despite sleeping most of yesterday, I slept really well last night and didn’t wake up until 10 am. I’m so pleased all my work has paid off and my sleep is back into a much better routine now, makes life a bit easier when I can at least sleep well.

I had my breakfast and chilled out for a bit, but bitch jobs had to be done… (this is why I need a wife πŸ˜‰ lol) But I felt better for having a clean flat.

Got myself all nice and clean too, took the rubbish out and went to the shop to get myself something for dinner and OH some Lego a little bit accidentally fell in with the shopping..:D

I took the pups across the road for half an hour for a run, came home and had some lunch, put my new Lego together and did some colouring in, my lil bird is coming together nicely πŸ™‚

I watched a good 80’s classic film Ghostbusters πŸ™‚ and I cooked myself some dinner, I had a nice chicken breast, baby sweetcorn on the cob, roast potatoes and onion gravy, it was so so nice and treated all the fur babies to a bit of chicken each, which they definitely enjoyed as it was gone in seconds lol.

Decided to take the pups for a longer walk as it was a nice evening, kinda didn’t want to waste it πŸ™‚ I ended up bumping into a friend who walked with us, which was really nice to catch up.

We got home and snuggled up on the sofa and non of us have moved since and lil miss Harley has joined us, although she’s been trying to get on my lap but right now she can’t as I’m on the laptop, so she’s finally settled beside me πŸ™‚ ah they are all just so freaking cute!

Ahh I feel, tired because of the walk but my mind feels rested and in a good place. I like the me when I feel in a good place and when I just have time to be me, without thinking about anything or anyone other then myself and my fur babies, yes that sounds selfish but in life it’s ok to be a little bit selfish every now and again. I feel totally centred and just ah I feel good πŸ™‚

I’ll be doing pretty much the same tomorrow too, apart from I have a my trans group social in the evening πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Chill day

I am feeling nice and relaxed and for once not in absolute agony!

I’ve had a really nice day to myself, which I so needed. Can’t remember when the last time I had the whole day to myself was.

Took some time to catch up on sleep, which was so needed and I actually feel like I’ve slept as well.

Chilled out playing with the pups, watching tv. Went to the shop and got a few bits. Took the pups for a wee.

I bought myself some deep heat to help loosen up the muscles in my arm, because the muscles are really tight and I really need to get my arm moving more. I used it on my hips, lower back and legs because my muscles are really tight due to my metoject injection. OMG I am in LOVE with the deep heat, like totally and utterly! My arm feels a bit better and my legs feel sooooo much better too! Much less tight and painful for the first time in months and I really love the feeling of the cream too, I can see myself becoming obsessed with it lol.

Just been relaxing all afternoon watching Friends, putting Lego together and just chilling. Made myself spaghetti bolognese for dinner, which was a bit tricky to cook with my bad arm but I managed ok.

After dinner I had a shower and covered myself in deep heat, which felt so so good and I took the pups out for a walk, as they needed to get out for a bit, as did I.

Just been relaxing this evening, I am feeling so much better then I have been. Much less irritable and agitated and more calm.

No plans for from tomorrow, so may just relax again.

That’s it for now really,

Peace out

Batman