Update on working on myself as a whole

I thought I would do an update on last weeks blog about looking after myself as a whole, rather then just focusing on my mental health.

Last week I focused on moving more and eating better and it was pretty successful, I made a conscious effort to eat more fruit and veggies and different meals, which I do totally feel better for and this week I will continue to eat a more of a balanced diet than I was previously doing. I’m enjoying cooking for myself again, which is something I do really enjoy doing.

I’ve also been using my mini stepper everyday and again I feel better for it. Even though some days it feels like such a drag, I forced myself to get up and move and have definitely noticed a bit of a change in myself. I feel energised after and my brain feels a bit more awake too.

I up my mycophenolate tonight, so I have some tasty meals that I’ve prepped in the freezer just in case I feel sick and exhausted and also I have the covid vaccine on Wednesday so I want to make sure I’m 100% prepared with quick and easy meals and snacks for the next week or so, as its one less thing to worry about if I do feel a bit rough after the vaccine and adjusting my meds a bit.

But I’m going to continue to try and look after myself in a more rounded way but I know this week maybe a bit trickier and that’s ok. I’m not making huge changes and I don’t make myself guilty if I’m not doing what I set out to do. I’m just trying my best and that’s absolutely good enough.

Most days last week I struggled to get up before 11am and some days I didn’t get dressed until late afternoon as I was just resting and my brain was just totally switched off as being in lockdown we are all dealing with something that is having a huge impact on mental health, which is a pretty traumatic event and sometimes your brain just needs a break and switches off and that’s totally fine too. Plus it was so grey and rainy last week I just had zero motivation to get up early because there was nothing really I needed to be up for, I’m not doing anything or going anywhere to getting dressed at 4pm is totally fine.

I’m just rolling with what is good for me, but my mind, body and soul, not just my mind. Overall I am definitely feeling better then I was, although I am feeling super exhausted but that’s not unusual for me lol!

Peace out

Zak

Sulphur burp Sunday

So going to write a quick catch up, I am going to get myself to bed fairly early tonight and not 2 am again.

I’ve felt a bit better today, although my stomach has still felt sore. Especially after eating, even just small amounts. Which is really annoying because I’m hungry but not and still nervous about eating too. Because I don’t want to be sick :/

I did manage to take to dogs for a proper walk today, which was great. They really needed a decent walk, as we’ve not been out much all week. It was good fun though and both the pups were soaked when we got back lol. I went out all dressed in my waterproofs and welly boots, it wasn’t raining but it had been raining all week long. It still looked like it could rain as well, so I wanted to be prepared. I’m glad I did because I could jump about in the puddles with scrappy.

It made me feel so exhausted after and I had to have a lil sleep when I got in, I so needed it though.

I now have sulphur burps…. which are so gross! I am hoping that it doesn’t mean I’m going to be up half the night vomiting. I think I have anti-sickness meds somewhere, so I am going to have a look at that in a minute. I really need to settle my stomach properly so I can feel better.

I am feeling a little better within myself for just taking the dogs out for a walk. I’m still feeling quite low and lonely but hopefully my stomach will settle so my mood can start picking up again.

Going to take the pups out for a wee, take my meds and watch a film in bed. I definitely need an early night and I am so so hoping that I am not up sick all night 😦

Peace out

Batman

Writing helps me make sense of my brain

I was going to post some pictures of the last few weeks but my laptop is being so slow! and it’s really irritating so I shall try again tomorrow.

Feeling much better today, I think writing yesterday really helped me to work through everything that was going through my head. It got it all out an I have things that I can work on to help.

I actually slept well last night 🙂 probably for the first time in a while.

Woke up with really achy legs, my leg muscles are always so so sore the day after I do my injection 😦 but they didn’t feel better until I had a little nap.

Got myself showered and dressed and on days like this I am so grateful of my shower stool because there was no way I could of had a shower without sitting this morning, my legs hurt too much.

Didn’t feel confident enough to take my stick out with me today even though I should have. I managed without it ok though.

I met L and the boys in town, L treated me to a tattoo 🙂 I love it so much and I so needed a bit of pain therapy! Was good fun

After we slowly made our way back to L’s picked up the pup and went to the park for a few hours, which was good.

Headed back to mine, all my furkids were happy to see me 🙂

Did the house work, so I don’t have to do it tomorrow. Went and got stuff to make dinner with next week and picked up my prescription.

Just been relaxing this evening watching CSI Vegas and playing with my furkids 🙂

Having a nice roast dinner tomorrow at L’s so looking forward to that, can’t beat a good roast.

Think I am going to do a little bit of colouring in my book before getting myself to bed.

11873967_10155854556405456_1074638198_n our tattoo’s 🙂

Peace out

Batman

DBT rules in times of stress

Not even sure where my head is at right now, I don’t know where to start or what even was right about today! Ok maybe it wasn’t THAT bad but my buttons were pushed today and I did get mega angry and stressed. I am a lot calmer this evening I am worried that tomorrow will be a repeat of today but I shall explain that in a bit.

I was thinking today about Tuesday when I suddenly came over feeling rather ill and it dawned on me that it wasn’t a bug because it was so short lived and a bug would have at least lasted 24 hours. I only had a bad stomach for a few hours and it was the classic symptoms of a reaction to my methotrexate! I haven’t been ill with it for a while so it didn’t click straight away. I’m glad it wasn’t a bug though.

I couldn’t sleep last night, which again is frustrating. I must have woke up at least 4 times and I was finally up by 7 am. I had something to eat, drink, showered and dressed and just straightened up the flat a bit. Took the pups out for a run for half an hour before I headed up to the doctors..

Now the trip to the doctors was a complete waste of time, the chemist had picked up my prescription for my new sharps box. I knew that once I got to the chemist that they would not have the right box as the box I need they do not stock. So the anger and frustration rises. I dropped my full sharps box and the doctors and headed back into town to the chemist.

Got to the chemist and not to my surprise at all they had the wrong size sharps box! Right colour but it was small and it only fits a few of my pens in it and that is at a push. Anger rises while talking to the chemist! I said in future that they are NOT to pick up and prescription for my sharps boxes because they do not stock the right ones and if the receptionists do not write the right prescription I can sort it out there and then at the doctors.

I then had to ring the doctors up and try and explain the situation without totally losing my shit! Which I did but I was so fucking angry and frustrated with them that I just couldn’t hold back the tears, I was that angry I cried! and I’ve not been that angry in a long time. She said she’d sort something out and to ring her back later, at that point in time there was NO FUCKING WAY! I was speaking to any of them again today!

I just sat on the sofa shaking, trying to choke back the tears as it wasn’t long till I was leaving for group and I did not want red eyes. I ended up just sucking my thumb to calm myself down, I totally zoned out just to briefly escape those intense feelings and to let it die down a bit before dealing with it again. I used my DBT skills in a very skilful way to get my feet back on the ground after being on the ceiling and it was really effective.

I composed myself and got myself ready to go to group. On the bus trip there the events of the morning kept going over in my head but I just tried to concentrate on listening to my music and looking out of the window.

Group was good, well the teaching part we were talking about grief. We looked at Worden’s 4 tasks of grief and it was really interesting, sadly we didn’t get through it all but I still have the handout that I might finish reading at some point. Some of the group dynamic stresses me out though and I did text M right after group saying that if she was talking to a certain person because another person had complained then I wanted the chance to have my say on the situation but if I was way off then to ignore me. She didn’t or hasn’t replied just yet but I feel some tensions in the group and it’s hard to find it enjoyable when there are such tensions present and as usual it it involves the same circle of people…so I left group just as stressed as when I went. Which sucks but it’s not going to be perfect when you have a group of people with mental health issues and or learning disabilities.

I was quite glad to get home to my happy pups and my kitty cats 🙂 they are always happy and stress free. I took the pups across the road for half an hour to run about and play.

I had calmed down enough to ring the doctors back up and sort out another prescription to pick up tomorrow. I then had to go down to the chemist to stress to them NOT TO PICK UP THE PRESCRIPTION FOR MY SHARPS BOX! or I may just fucking explode! So fingers crossed for tomorrow and everyone does what they are meant to do and I should be coming home stress free with the RIGHT! sharps box.

Had myself some dinner, just did some little potatoes, beans and cheese 🙂 filled a lil hole.

Spent the rest of this evening chilling, watching some films and taking hours to write this whole story out lol!

I am feeling very tired and my legs are really achy again today but I’m not as angry as I was this morning, just apprehensive about getting my sharps box sorted tomorrow but now use me stressing now because I now cannot control what happens tomorrow.

Going to take the pups out in a min and then get to bed. No solid plans for tomorrow but I could really just use a day to chill. But we shall see.

Peace out

Batman

I’ve been a poorly boy. Also #LoveWins

So the last few days have not been cool! But I am on the mend and on the up once again..mostly.

Wednesday was rough I couldn’t get going, I managed to get to my hospital appointment at the hospital 4 mins late…but I got there. And ended up being there for 2 freaking hours! Had another x-ray on my teeth, did all the pre-op stuff and hopefully I will get a date soon to get two teeth out under general anesthetic.

My bro picked me up, went to see his new place for a bit. Went with him to pick up his gf from work and we sat by the sea in the car for a bit, which was nice.

All afternoon though I was NOT feeling good, I kept feeling sick but I thought that was because I didn’t eat much. As the day went on my stomach pains got so bad, I couldn’t eat any dinner. I was in agony! spent all night up and down with a bad stomach from both ends 😥 and eventually settled to sleep.

So yeah that’s Erythromycin making me feel so ill…so after a few phone calls with my GP (Thursday) he said I can try Azithromycin to get rid of this infection. Need to pick it up from the chemist and give it a bash.

Thursday I spent most of the day sleeping and just resting. I was SO gutted I had to miss group though 😦 but I felt so so rough. I managed to get to the shops to get myself a few bits, lucozade, crackers and some other stuff I needed. Also managed to shave my hair off number 1 all over cuz it was pissing me off and had a nice refreshing shower 🙂 and I managed to take the pups across the road for an hour in the evening. I did keep some food and drink in me as well so that was good. A pretty boring rough day but I got through it.

Today has been ok, my stomach still feels a lil sore but I think I pulled my stomach muscles when I was sick and I’m probably still a bit hungry, I’ve only managed to eat a little today but I’ll get back on track.

I slept ok-ish, I was up early but I fell asleep on the sofa for a bit. Cleaned up the entire flat and did 4 loads of washing. Had a nice shower and took pups across the road for a run before I went out with my Bro and step dad to the pub for a quick drink for my step dads birthday which was really nice.

Chilled out watching Friends for a bit, played 3 hours of Lego Batman 3, had some dinner..literally like a few bites lol watched OITNB (Orange is the new black)

The pups were bugging me, jumping on me and just generally trying to get my attention lol! So I ended up taking them for a for and we were out for an hour and a half, it was really nice to get out and the pups loved it and they’ve been sleeping for ages now 🙂

Just be catching up online, watching OITNB and writing this 🙂

It’s nearly 1 am now and I am feeling so much better then I have done the last 2 days 🙂 nothing can beat this boy!

Tomorrow I am going to my lil cousins 6th Birthday party BBQ late afternoon so should be fun.

I am so proud of the USA! Equal marriage for all in all 50 states! History has been made #lovewins

Peace out

Batman

Groggy and frustrated

I am feeling so groggy right now amongst other feelings too… *sigh* Just frustrated.

Yesterday was pretty busy. It was good for the most part but also a little disappointing. But it is what it is, there wasn’t anything I could do about it.

I slept ok-ish Thurs night, but woke up really early again. I did have a little rest, it wasn’t really a proper sleep. I then spent most of the morning cleaning the entire flat, only up to Dyllan standard though lol. It wasn’t spotless but at least it was clean and tidy, I just don’t dust.

Had a refreshing shower, got myself dressed and took the pups across the road for a run. We were out for 20 mins, it was so nice out. My friend text me to say she was on her way over, so I took the pups home and got them settled in the hallway, as H and I were going to the new pub for lunch that’s right across the road from me. I met H outside mine.

We had a really nice lunch, the food was lovely. Definitely going there again. I had beer battered cod and nice chunky chips with a pint of Pepsi 🙂 lush. After lunch we had a look around a few shops in town and after we chilled out at mine watching tv. I needed a rest.

I had to head out to meet J from the bus, so H and I got ourselves ready to go, I took the pups with me and we both headed out. We said our goodbyes.

J’s bus was like 20 mins late…which sucked. But while I was waiting bloody scrappy got excited and pulled out my lip ring. But he pulled the whole thing out…I managed to find the ring, but not the ball. Damn dog. When J got here I explained what happened and got him to wait outside the shopping centre with with dogs while I ran in to get a new ball, but all they had was a different colour to the other one, so had to replace both. Went to pay and to my horror I had forgotten my wallet! I wasn’t expecting to go into a shop so I didn’t take it. Just took my keys and phone. Luckily though they know me in there and I said I’ll bring in the money the next day and they were totally cool with that, but I was still embarrassed. What a dick!

J and I let the dogs off for a run across the road from mine, before we went home. Enjoyed the last bit of sunshine 🙂 Dropped the pups home and went to the shop so J could get dinner, I had already eaten a big meal at lunch so I wouldn’t eat dinner.

We came back to mine and just chilled. Caught up on everything too, that was so cool. Was nice to see him again and hang out. I had invited loads of friends over to celebrate my birthday. But pretty much everyone pulled out. Most with a valid reason. Some didn’t even bother to contact me. So ended up just being me and J. That caused real mixed feelings, it was really cool to hang out with J again, we just talked and watched crime stuff, talked about trans stuff too. But kinda sucked too that no one else came, as I was so looking forward to it…but it is what it is I suppose :/ hurt but at least I wasn’t totally alone.

Think I was in bed by 1:30 and maybe asleep by after 2 am.

I slept so well and for just over 8 and a half hours. Felt like way more then that. Felt so crap when I got up 😦 so groggy, really fucking tired and fucking hurt so fucking much, hate this pain. Last few weeks I’ve felt fucking awful the day after my injection. So over all this but there’s nothing I can do 😥 which makes it fucking worse.

Just relaxed with J watching Jeremy Kyle, he loves it lol. I got him into it. Eventually got myself showered and dressed and J and I took the pups across the road for a run.

J was hungry and I didn’t have anything in. We went into town and he got lunch, I just got a drink as I wasn’t hungry. Went into the shop to pay the money I owed them. By the time we did this it was time for J to get his bus. Sucks he can’t stay all weekend, but he’s gotta work. Was a bit sad to see him go.

I got home and ended up just sitting for a while, not even doing anything. Just in my own little world totally checked out. Managed to snap out of it and put a film on, I just chilled playing on my tab and eating sweets. After I watched The Bride of Chucky I put on The seed of Chucky. Ended up falling asleep for the entire film lol! I think I watched like the first 10 mins. Totally needed it though, felt so awful.

Only woke up because I got hot, I probably could have slept for longer. It was still nice and sunny out and the pups were all hyper lol so we went across the road for a run and to enjoy the last of the sunshine. Met some other peeps and pups over there, that made scrappy happy playing chase 🙂 fox just barked at them all lol. I dropped the pups back and quickly went to the shop to get dinner.

Again I sat on the sofa and just totally checked out for a bit. Mind its a much nicer place in my own little dream world.

Eventually had dinner and watched The Curse of Chucky, ah I so hope they do a 7th film, I love Chucky.

Just been doing my usual evening thing and watching Adventure time. Can’t be dealing with anything else.

Still feeling really fucking groggy and horrible 😦 feeling a bit let down, a bit low and frustrated. I hope I don’t feel like this tomorrow. Ok maybe I feel a bit lower then just low.

My life revolves around being ill, hospital appointments, side effects of medications and making sure I have enough medication. I am going to run out of Tramadol AGAIN by Mon afternoon, so I am totally fucking freaking out and I NEED it because I hate feeling the withdrawal the pain 😦 So going to have to sort it out Mon morning. Meh this stuff is so stressful, I feel so alone in all this.

Peace out

Batman

Busy October

Not really had much chance to just sit and be this weekend. But its been ok. I woke up Saturday expecting to feel really poorly from the Methotrexate as after taking it Friday night it made me feel poorly within like 20mins of taking it, I felt really hot and really sick and it took ages to get off to sleep. But I did eventually and woke up symptom free, well mostly I felt a bit drowsy but that feelings nothing new lol! 

I was well enough to take Harvey out for the day. I took him to the park. We spent all day there, we had a play on the swings and slides and around the lake they have all free gym stuff, we did that twice and I let him go on the go karts twice and we went round on the little steam train 🙂 It was really good fun! I even had a go on the swings a slides and all the gym stuff. Dropped him home and sat and chatted with L for a few hours and had snuggles with a poorly Albert, lil dude’s got a bit of a tummy bug, luckily I managed not to get puked on this time lol.

I got home around 9:30 pm to a super excited puppy dog 🙂 so amazing to come home too. She didn’t know what to do with herself lol, gave her a treat so I could just get in and sort myself out. Just chilled out and then before going to bed the whole RAT! incident happened. I swear I could of killed the lil shit bag! Just what I needed as I was trying to wind down for the evening, so didn’t end up trying to sleep till about 2 am.

I slept well last night though and didn’t wake up till midday! and OMFG did/do I ache from head to toe after yesterdays fun and games at the park. Jeez, I can feel muscles I didn’t even know I had LOL! I am so unfit. Woke up all snotty and my head was hurting. My nose has been feeling sore all day and my snot was a bit bloody, which is never a good sign. So I took some pain killers, got my nice big comfy pillow and snuggled myself up on the sofa with my blankie and animals and fell asleep till about 2 pm (I think, I’ve been struggling to tell the time recently…which is really weird, I keep trying. But the time just doesn’t register in my brain its weird) Had a shower, which was lovely as I’d woken up all sweaty and gross lol! Got dressed and took my foxy girl for a wee, took her home then headed into town to pay rent and get electric. Nipped into see S and her mom W and we all went out for dinner tonight which was cool and after I spent a few hours at theirs.

I looked at my calender when I got in to check for any appointments I have this week and OMG this month is PACKED full. I’ve got my 1st CPN app 9th Oct, which I am looking forward too. 10th Oct is my DBT 1:1 and I am hoping this is the penultimate one as I want to be finished by xmas. 15th Oct is to (fingers crossed) See my ENT specialist! So hoping for some better answers. 18th Oct p-doc app. 19th Oct I have my flu jab. But after all those appointments I have two really good things going on. On the 23rd my friend J from London is coming down to stay and we are going to see Russell Brand on the 25th! I am SO stupidly excited to see J and Russell Brand, its going to be EPIC! And on the 30th Oct its my friend T’s bday and we are going to Thorpe park and its fright night! So cannot freaking WAIT! I love roller coasters, plus it will be pretty perfect as that day is the 2nd anniversary of dad’s death and when I went to visit him we always went to Alton towers as dad loved roller coasters too, so yea kind of fitting. On the 28th Oct it will be a year since foxy girl joined my lil family 🙂 and it’s been the best year of my life! I would be SO lost without her. So yea jam packed month.

There are a few things I NEED to do. So will try and get some lose ends tied up. I need to start sorting out court proceedings against D as well. But needs to be done. Got a list of what I’ve GOT to get done, so hopefully they will all be ticked off by the end of the month. Got my to-do list tucked under my phone cover so I don’t lose it and I can easily look at it. Need to put all my apps into my phone, but will do that tomorrow. 

Fed up of how a few people have been treating me…its fine when they need me, but they aren’t there when I need them. I have a few people I speak to on a regular basis just to check in and see how they are. But I’ve stopped doing that this week and what a fucking surprise it was me carrying on these friendships. So I am going to continue to not contact certain people and see what happens. I’m fed up of caring and carrying a friendship when I am the only one putting in the effort….kind of needs to be 50/50 but it isn’t I refuse to be there only when needed, that’s not how it works and I’m just not doing it any more.

Mentally ok I suppose, just been feeling a bit flat and grumpy. I have had a few scary moments lately where I’ve heard something. But its hard to tell if its just the “normal” hearing things, like often I hear my name being called when out in the street…. or its my head… Its hard to explain, like tonight all the animals were asleep on the sofa and I swear to GOD! I heard something growl, clear as day! I looked around but no all animals were asleep and it deffo wasn’t foxy! it was a bit odd and I’ve had similar experiences earlier in the week. I’ve just been ignoring it and will continue too and just hope it stops. It’s not like all the time, but a few times in a week is disturbing enough. Hopefully its just nothing and not my head lol. 

Physically just been the same bumbling along, not feeling amazing, but not really feeling any worse. So I suppose that’s a good thing. I’m not looking forward to my appointments where I have to be there at like 11 am! lol cuz I’ve been going to bed late and getting up late, so means I need to start sleeping and a reasonable hour. I’m going to make corn beef hash for dinner tomorrow I think, will give me a good 4-5 portions for the rest of the week. Do need to do a little food shop tomorrow. Not going to get too much at a time because it will get wasted otherwise as my appetite has been all over the place. 

It’s nearly 1 am….better get myself sorted and into bed.

Peace out

Tank girl

Poorly tank girl :(

Well I’ve not been on for a few days, mainly because I’ve been feeling poorly.

Friday 27th I started my new dose of methotrexate. I went from taking 22.5mgs to taking 25mgs which is maximum dose. 

I woke up at about 9:30 am and I felt a bit drowsy, I got a shower and got dressed and had some breakfast. I started feeling really sick so I just took it easy. I was meant to be meeting my mom and her bf, but by the time I’d got ready it was the time I was meant to meet them, so they drove down and picked up me and foxy pup. We went to a market which was nice, I picked up some strawberry flavoured grapes and OMG they we so yummy! Weird but yummy. Then went back to mom’s and chilled out for a bit and mom and her bf fell asleep for a bit lol. Me and mom then walked up to the shop and got some veggies for dinner and we came back and put on a roast dinner 🙂 nothing beats your mom’s home cooked roast dinner! I tried to eat as much as I could but I still wasn’t feeling too good, I felt tired and sicky 😦 We chilled out after dinner for a bit then they took me and foxy home and came in for a bit as mom wanted me to print something off for her. 

After they left I felt really hot so I stripped off down to my boxers and chilled on the sofa. I started to feel really sick and my tummy was hurting so bad 😦 so I rang out of hours just to get some advice and they took nearly 2 hours to get back to me and she said it was ok to carry on taking my pain killers as normal and I was just experiencing normal side effects, but she said if I got worse then the ring back. So I took foxy girl for a wee, even though I felt like passing out and came back and took my pain meds and regular meds and foxy and I headed to bed. The pain was so bad I couldn’t get comfortable and ended up crying myself to sleep.

Got woken up early by the cats meowing at my bedroom door wanting their breakfast lol! So I got up and fed the greedy monkeys to shut them up! and I snuggled up on the sofa and fell back to sleep as I was feeling so tired still. I got up at about midday and got a shower and got dressed so I could take foxy for a wee. Came back and chilled out. I watched to final disk of Hannibal and it was really good 🙂 

S and R were meant to come over this evening but R flacked out on us so I just went out to dinner with S and her mom instead, I did get meat out to make cottage pie, but felt too weak and drowsy to stand and cook. After dinner I went back to S’s for a few hours which was cool.

Just been chilling out this evening playing fb games and catching up on here. Feeling much better then I did.

Better get to bed soon.

Peace out

Tank girl x