I don’t often write in between my weekly transition blogs, but I feel like I needed to write today, I got things I just need to get out and maybe it will help me make sense of everything.
It’s probably gonna come out a bit all over the place and scattered, but that’s how my brain is feeling at the moment. It probably won’t be strictly transition related but a bit of everything that happening in my life at the moment, so transition, physical health, mental health, family etc…
I can’t even remember the last time I just wrote a regular blog entry, must have been a while ago now.
I literally don’t know where to even start… Ok I’ll start with the good stuff going on, so I can get into the flow of things and unpick my brain as I go along.
My name change is all official now, which is really awesome and feels so good. I am now legally Mr Zak Dyllan Mills! Woohoo! I’ve already changed it at the bank and the doctors and I’ve written some letters too, they just need posting. It just feels really right and just the next part of my transition, I feel much more like me now. Which probably sounds weird as its just a name but for me a name is quite an important part of my identity and how the world views me and how I view myself. So yeah feeling pretty awesome about that.
Last Sunday my new little nephew Alex came into the world, weighing in at 9lbs 3! the lil fatty lol but he’s so damn cute. I already had cuddles on Tuesday with him, he was just so content just laying on my lap fast asleep, he’s so chill. Proud uncle to 3 nephews, which is insane! the eldest will be 9 this year, its just flown by so fast. I absolutely adore all of them.
Physical health hasn’t really been too great this year, I’ve had infection after infection. Over the new years I kept getting nose bleeds, I then had a sinus infection, then last month I had a ear infection and at the moment I’ve had a chest infection for about 3 weeks and I’ve had lots of really bad nose bleeds as well. So I’m not sure what’s really going on, but I went to Southampton hospital this week and he took some blood to see what was happening. As he didn’t want to up the cellcept and make me more immuo-suppressed just in case its just been back luck that I’ve been getting ill and not due to my Churg Strauss Syndrome playing up, but he can’t tell until he gets the results. I’m hoping I’ll hear about the results soon and I’mm also kind of hoping its just been a bad run of luck getting ill and nothing more serious then that. But when nose bleeds are involved I know its more likely to be my condition as nose bleeds were one of my first ever symptoms. I’ll just have to see what happens with all this… I am hoping its nothing serious, I’d rather not up any medication if I don’t have too.
My mental health has been a bit of a mixture recently, its been quite difficult to deal with and I know its made me a bit harder to be around as well. Its not really been the bipolar that I’ve been struggling to control, although fighting with the depression and bad thoughts some days seems like the easy part of it all. I’ve been really struggling with the gender dysphoria, it hits so hard and its overwhelming and intense beyond words. The slightest thing can kick it off and I feel like I have zero control over it, which in itself is kinda frustrating and a bit scary.
Its my chest that is causing all the distress, anxiety and stress. I want top surgery so bad. I’ve never liked my chest, its always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. When the dysphoria hits, I feel so detached, I feel like a ghost, I just want to be as far away from myself and my body as I can get, so I just disassociate but then I find it hard to get back in my body again. It really effects my mood, it makes me feel so depressed and really agitated because I’m not comfortable in my skin, because it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, its never really belonged to me. I know I have to do some work around acceptance of self etc, as I know surgery will not fix all the emotional stuff but it will ease it. But right now that seems like a big thing to work on by myself.
I’m already starting to stress about summer and the warmer weather, as I get hot easily so it wont be as easy to cover up while remaining comfortable. I’m already aware that its gonna cause me a huge deal of stress and anxiety and it may make me less likely to go out far, I’m already anticipating how I’m going to feel, be etc… So I don’t know how I’m going to handle that and get through it.
Not being able to bind my chest makes it all the worse, I think maybe if I could bind that would take a bit of anxiety and stress out of it, I’ve been still trying on the high impact sports bras as they were the most comfortable out of everything I tried but its still not comfortable enough, especially with my chest problems I experience anyway. Its just so fucking frustrating! and doesn’t seem to be getting any easier to deal with, but the longer I’m on T the worse its getting to deal with and most days I feel pretty agitated and anxious. Its not so bad if I’m just at home and not really going anywhere, but as soon as I’ve got to go out for any period of time, especially on my own then I feel so self conscious, agitated and anxious.
I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo, like life can’t move forward right now and I know I’ve stopped moving forward, I wouldn’t know where to go now anyway. I just feel stuck, waiting for life to start again but I can’t find the button. I know I shouldn’t be waiting for top surgery but that’s what it feels like, I feel like after that then my life can start going again, where too I don’t know. I know my life can be better then it is right now, but I don’t know where I’m going, what I want, what direction, what I should or shouldn’t be doing… I’m in a rut and I hate it. Desperately trying to find things that make me really happy and not much is making me as happy as before. I mean I’m not totally unhappy, but I know things can and should be better, I just lost the drive to find it, I feel lost.
Ok… so maybe I needed to write this a more then I really realised but feels good to get it all out, I can breathe now. Been feeling mostly ok today, as I’ve stayed close to home, I’ve only been out to take the dogs for a run. Have felt so so tired today, I’ve just been chilling and looking after myself. I also finished writing out my ESA forms, I just need to get my paperwork together and then Monday I can post it all off recorded delivery, so they can’t say they didn’t get it. But I’ll sort that out on Monday I think, gonna spend the rest of the weekend just relaxing and looking after myself.
That’s it for now, am getting hungry…bloody steroids lol! Gonna go cook myself some food, although I’d really love a take away but money is low.. so cooking it is lol!