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I don’t often write in between my weekly transition blogs, but I feel like I needed to write today, I got things I just need to get out and maybe it will help me make sense of everything.

It’s probably gonna come out a bit all over the place and scattered, but that’s how my brain is feeling at the moment. It probably won’t be strictly transition related but a bit of everything that happening in my life at the moment, so transition, physical health, mental health, family etc…

I can’t even remember the last time I just wrote a regular blog entry, must have been a while ago now.

I literally don’t know where to even start… Ok I’ll start with the good stuff going on, so I can get into the flow of things and unpick my brain as I go along.

My name change is all official now, which is really awesome and feels so good. I am now legally Mr Zak Dyllan Mills! Woohoo! I’ve already changed it at the bank and the doctors and I’ve written some letters too, they just need posting. It just feels really right and just the next part of my transition, I feel much more like me now. Which probably sounds weird as its just a name but for me a name is quite an important part of my identity and how the world views me and how I view myself. So yeah feeling pretty awesome about that.

Last Sunday my new little nephew Alex came into the world, weighing in at 9lbs 3! the lil fatty lol but he’s so damn cute. I already had cuddles on Tuesday with him, he was just so content just laying on my lap fast asleep, he’s so chill. Proud uncle to 3 nephews, which is insane! the eldest will be 9 this year, its just flown by so fast. I absolutely adore all of them.

Physical health hasn’t really been too great this year, I’ve had infection after infection. Over the new years I kept getting nose bleeds, I then had a sinus infection, then last month I had a ear infection and at the moment I’ve had a chest infection for about 3 weeks and I’ve had lots of really bad nose bleeds as well. So I’m not sure what’s really going on, but I went to Southampton hospital this week and he took some blood to see what was happening. As he didn’t want to up the cellcept and make me more immuo-suppressed just in case its just been back luck that I’ve been getting ill and not due to my Churg Strauss Syndrome playing up, but he can’t tell until he gets the results. I’m hoping I’ll hear about the results soon and I’mm also kind of hoping its just been a bad run of luck getting ill and nothing more serious then that. But when nose bleeds are involved I know its more likely to be my condition as nose bleeds were one of my first ever symptoms. I’ll just have to see what happens with all this… I am hoping its nothing serious, I’d rather not up any medication if I don’t have too.

My mental health has been a bit of a mixture recently, its been quite difficult to deal with and I know its made me a bit harder to be around as well. Its not really been the bipolar that I’ve been struggling to control, although fighting with the depression and bad thoughts some days seems like the easy part of it all. I’ve been really struggling with the gender dysphoria, it hits so hard and its overwhelming and intense beyond words. The slightest thing can kick it off and I feel like I have zero control over it, which in itself is kinda frustrating and a bit scary.

Its my chest that is causing all the distress, anxiety and stress. I want top surgery so bad. I’ve never liked my chest, its always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. When the dysphoria hits, I feel so detached, I feel like a ghost, I just want to be as far away from myself and my body as I can get, so I just disassociate but then I find it hard to get back in my body again. It really effects my mood, it makes me feel so depressed and really agitated because I’m not comfortable in my skin, because it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, its never really belonged to me. I know I have to do some work around acceptance of self etc, as I know surgery will not fix all the emotional stuff but it will ease it. But right now that seems like a big thing to work on by myself.

I’m already starting to stress about summer and the warmer weather, as I get hot easily so it wont be as easy to cover up while remaining comfortable. I’m already aware that its gonna cause me a huge deal of stress and anxiety and it may make me less likely to go out far, I’m already anticipating how I’m going to feel, be etc… So I don’t know how I’m going to handle that and get through it.

Not being able to bind my chest makes it all the worse, I think maybe if I could bind that would take a bit of anxiety and stress out of it, I’ve been still trying on the high impact sports bras as they were the most comfortable out of everything I tried but its still not comfortable enough, especially with my chest problems I experience anyway. Its just so fucking frustrating! and doesn’t seem to be getting any easier to deal with, but the longer I’m on T the worse its getting to deal with and most days I feel pretty agitated and anxious. Its not so bad if I’m just at home and not really going anywhere, but as soon as I’ve got to go out for any period of time, especially on my own then I feel so self conscious, agitated and anxious.

I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo, like life can’t move forward right now and I know I’ve stopped moving forward, I wouldn’t know where to go now anyway. I just feel stuck, waiting for life to start again but I can’t find the button. I know I shouldn’t be waiting for top surgery but that’s what it feels like, I feel like after that then my life can start going again, where too I don’t know. I know my life can be better then it is right now, but I don’t know where I’m going, what I want, what direction, what I should or shouldn’t be doing… I’m in a rut and I hate it. Desperately trying to find things that make me really happy and not much is making me as happy as before. I mean I’m not totally unhappy, but I know things can and should be better, I just lost the drive to find it, I feel lost.

Ok… so maybe I needed to write this a more then I really realised but feels good to get it all out, I can breathe now. Been feeling mostly ok today, as I’ve stayed close to home, I’ve only been out to take the dogs for a run. Have felt so so tired today, I’ve just been chilling and looking after myself. I also finished writing out my ESA forms, I just need to get my paperwork together and then Monday I can post it all off recorded delivery, so they can’t say they didn’t get it. But I’ll sort that out on Monday I think, gonna spend the rest of the weekend just relaxing and looking after myself.

That’s it for now, am getting hungry…bloody steroids lol! Gonna go cook myself some food, although I’d really love a take away but money is low.. so cooking it is lol!

Peace out

Zak

Update – I’ve not written in forever

I haven’t written my blog for about 4 months now, mainly because my old laptop SUCKS! So I since have gotten myself a nice new laptop, it’s a gaming laptop and its a good spec for what I want it for and a decent price too. I have it on tick so paying it off monthly.

Jeez so much has happened in the last few weeks let alone four months. I’m not going to cover it all right now, but I’ll write the basics of what’s been going on and then I’m going to start writing more regularly again.

I don’t even know where to start right now, ummm ok I’ll start with the gender identity stuff. 6 weeks ago I went to the Gender Identity Clinic in London to see the psychiatrist, he was super nice and we talked for about an hour. He gave me the 2nd yes I needed to start testosterone. I was flying high that day I can tell you, I was so happy that finally things are on the move and I’m getting to where I want to be. However I am still waiting on the letter for the GIC about starting T, which is pretty frustrating it’s like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. But I’ve been ringing up every 2 weeks and tomorrow I’m going to ring up again and chase up the paper work so I don’t get forgotten. I know they have a 8 week backlog of paperwork, which is why I need to keep chasing until  I get my paperwork sorted. I’m starting to get impatient now, I just wanna get started on my new journey. I feel as though I am in some sort of limbo just waiting, not really anywhere.. just here not really anywhere. I do also have some levels of anxiety about starting T, I’m anxious that it will make my bipolar harder to control then it already it at the moment. I’m anxious about my chest, as I don’t/can’t bind my chest.. so yeah that’s my biggest anxiety really. Anyway that’s the basics of that aspect of my life, just waiting.

Physical health stuff is doing alright with my new med regime that I started earlier on in the year. The only thing I stopped is the steroid nose drops, as they gave me a migraine every day. I’m not having any side effects from the mycophenolate which makes a nice change and physically I’ve been feeling alright on it. I’ve not had any sinus infections yet, which again is such a relief as pretty much all of 2016 was one big snot fest of a sinus infection, that was my punishment for stopping methotrexate against the doctors wishes.

Mental health stuff…where do I start with this, its been a hell of a 3 months regarding my bipolar. As soon as it became sunny my mood went up but I didn’t think anything of it really until a week or so ago my mood crashed. Looking back on it I was having a hypo-manic episode, it’s not as bad as a manic episode its like a level down from a manic episode. I think I was more annoyed at myself for not seeing it sooner but it is what it is I suppose, I think it took me by surprise a bit.  But on the plus side I got loads of stuff done, made some awesome memories and that so it wasn’t all bad. The come down have been pretty fucking shit though, some days I’ve been so depressed I just wanna die, although I haven’t felt suicidal I just didn’t want to exist any more. Other days I’ve felt really agitated, angry and just really on edge but with loads of energy so I think that’s been a mixed mood state. One day the agitation was so bad that I cut myself… but I don’t really remember much of that day or what happened it was a bit of a blur. I’ve been dissociating a lot as well, so I don’t remember a lot of things that have happened, some days I can’t even remember if I’ve eaten or not. I have big gaps of time missing and trying to recall anything is really difficult and that’s super frustrating. I find the dissociation the most difficult to deal with above everything else. I feel so absent like my body is just floating along and I’m above it with strings like a puppeteer moving the shell of my body along through the days and nights that just merge into one. Even writing this is difficult as my mind keeps wandering off into space somewhere.

This past few days I’ve just taken some time to myself to look after myself and my needs, I’ve slept lots, upped my meds, ate sort of well and I’ve just binged watched tv and played with my fur babies. I think I’m starting to feel a lil more human but I don’t want to get too excited about feeling alright.

I forgot to mention that I started Slimming world 14 weeks ago and I’ve lost 1 stone 3 lbs. Super proud of myself, I never thought I’d be able to lose weight in a healthy way but I have and I especially never thought I’d be able to sustain the weight loss on all the medication I’m on. Highly recommend Slimming world to anyone who wants to lose weight in a healthy way.

So yeah that’s me really in short, there’s probably tons I’ve missed out but I think I’ve gotten the most important things down. Now I have a nice new laptop that takes seconds to start-up, I’m going to write far more regularly than I have been.

Peace out

Batman

Food diary – Update

I’ve not written for a few weeks, for various reasons. So I thought I would explain why and I think it would be helpful to me to write it down.

So I didn’t write last week because I was really struggling with binge eating and I think that was mainly down to my low mood. I just couldn’t stop it, usually I can recognise what I am doing and be mindful of it so I can stop. But I knew I was binge eating but I just couldn’t get on top of it like I usually do, for whatever reason. I just wasn’t in the mood to try a new food, the thought of it was stressing me out, however I am proud that I did try 5 new foods so far and I will continue. Maybe a weekly was a bit too challenging, as I am really realising I have such a bad relationship with food and I need to change my eating habits slowly and I think I maybe need to address the emotional side of poor relationship with food as well as trying new foods.

However this week I’ve been so poorly with a really bad sinus infection and it really knocked my appetite, mainly because I’ve been coughing so much and eating anything made me feel sick. I also just didn’t have the energy to even make a sandwich, let alone a meal. The plus side of this is that it has completely stopped my binge eating and I lost 4lbs and feel much better for it. Yesterday and today I ate dinner and have not as of yet ate more then I’ve needed. So I am hoping this short period has helped me get on top of the binge eating and get back into eating when I need to eat rather then eating all around the clock. But I’ve been put on a high dose of steroids, 40 mgs which can cause insomnia…check! and increase of appetite…which luckily as of yet I am being very mindful of what is going in my gob and I’ve not felt the increase of appetite…yet lol, there’s still time and if I do I’ll probably end up back in the cycle of binge eating but I’m going to try and be mindful and not just mindlessly eat without thinking. The mindless eating is my biggest pitfall and easy to get stuck in.

I managed to attend a LGBT mental health group I volunteer at today. It was so so great to be around humans! I’ve been by myself for most of the week and I’ve been really lonely, which is absolutely the worst when I’m poorly and not up to doing anything. Group definitely helped to just lift me, lift my mood and my spirit. I genuinely feel good and happy, I haven’t felt like this in a while.

Anyway, I’ll post again at some point, it may not be a food diary but I think I might update about life in general as it is at the moment.

Peace out

Batman

My food diary – Week 3

So there are two parts to this weeks blog, I haven’t tried new food per-say but I tired a new meal and a new restaurant.

I’ll start with the new restaurant, so on Sunday I felt so so ill with a sinus infection, which I get all the time at the moment as my immune disorder isn’t currently under control. My head was so sore, I hurt all over, the weathers been rubbish and I was really hungry. I really didn’t have the energy to cook, I didn’t really fancy pizza hut. So I ordered from a place called Chicken N Blues, now this may seem easy for most people but when you have a issue with food its really not easy or simple eating at new places. I have a real fear of eating at places I never have before, I get worried about if I’ll like the food, will the food make me sick…the list goes on. So a simple thing to most people was actually a big thing for me. I ordered a grilled chicken wrap and corn on the cob and waited for it to be delivered.

My food arrived, I got a can of Pepsi and my tray and got comfy on the sofa. I unwrapped my chicken wrap and took a huge bite and wow omg I can’t believe I’ve never eaten that before, it was amazing and I ate the whole thing. It was so good, I literally could eat that every day lol. It was so good I had it Monday night too lol. I’m so glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and got food from a new place. I’m definitely getting better at this food bizz lol.

Part 2 of my diary is that I cooked a meal tonight, I had sweet and sour pork stir fry, with egg noodles. I used a rainbow stir fry veg mix, sweet and sour sauce with pineapple, pork and egg noodles, all from Asda. Now I don’t think I cooked the noodles properly as I’ve never cooked fresh pasta before, so I didn’t end up eating them. But hey cooking is about trial and error I suppose. But I really enjoyed the rest of it, all of it I’ve eaten before but I don’t think I’ve eaten it altogether before. I certainly haven’t cooked it for myself before and its definitely something I will eat again.

I know this isn’t strictly trying a new food but I still feel its helping me tackle me issues with food by stepping out of my comfort zone a bit. Oh I got food shopping delivered today and I bought myself more raspberries as I really enjoyed them last week.

Again no plans for what I’m going to try next week, will probably see on the day.

Peace out

Batman

PIP Tribunal Results are in…

I had my PIP tribunal Tuesday afternoon, I had my awesome friend come with me. He came down from London for the day just to help me. I was so so grateful as I definitely wouldn’t have got through it without him there with me. He also treated me to ice cream afterwards.

J and I hung out all morning, we didn’t do much just watched tv and chatted mainly. It was nice to catch up and hang out, even if we did have to go do grown up things in the afternoon lol.

The tribunal itself wasn’t too horrific, it definitely wasn’t as bad as I thought it would have been.

There was a Judge, a doctor and a disabilities adviser, the doctor seemed to have heard about my Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis, which was good and the other two were actually nice. I didn’t feel too judged by them, like I thought I would, so I didn’t feel to awful when I left.

I didn’t get their decision there and then, as they said its a lot to talk about and digest so they wanted to take their time, so they sent it in the post which I received today.

I want to list once again what my medical issues are, I wont go into how they affect me as I just can’t go through that again.

Anyway I have:

  • Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis
  • Bipolar disorder
  • ADHD
  • Hyper mobility

I got awarded PIP but I only got 8 point for the Living component and NOTHING for the mobility component. When I was on DLA I was on middle rate care and mobility, my health issues have not changed, if anything they have got worse. So how I do not qualify for mobility is beyond me. It means I have lost £100 a month as well, I do still qualify for the severe disability rates on ESA but I do not now qualify for the free bus pass, so I am hoping my Social Services blue pass comes to me very soon, so I can re-apply for my bus pass.

I am not happy with their decision but I am not going to challenge it because I have only been awarded it until Feb 2018, which means I will have to do the forms again by September 2017. Which is absolute bullshit! My conditions won’t have changed in the next 12months I will still have them. But it does give me a chance to get as much evidence as I can in that time.

So as you can all imagine I am angry but I simply don’t have the energy to fight them any further then I already have.

Once again I have a raging sinus and chest infection, I saw a doctor today but she wasn’t my regular GP as he was busy. I asked for another steroid injection, she said she can’t do another too close, its got to be 6 weeks apart really. I asked about re-starting Methotrexate just until I get to Southampton hospital and she said no…But she did give me 40mgs of oral steroids which she said would make me feel better in 4 hours of taking them but it didn’t. I did leave a message with my GP but he didn’t ring, so I’m going to ring in the morning and see if he can ring me and get something sorted, because I am soooo fucking over this right now.

Anyway gonna wrap this up,

Peace out

Batman

Feeling more myself and ready to fight!

It’s been another week since I last updated but I am feeling more myself now, so that’s a good improvement from my last post. I can’t even describe how I felt then, I just felt weird and not myself at all. I feel more grounded and settled now as well which has helped me feel more myself again.

I did some guided meditation to help ground me again and I listened to beach noises at night to help me get a more restful nights sleep. Its crazy how it helps so much, just sitting and being in the moment has helped me more then any medication has.

I’m really tired, so I’m struggling to be think of what to write. I hate brain fog so much, it’s so frustrating.

So I’ve had a really good busy week, spent most of it with L and the boys which is always good fun but absolutely exhausting.

Got my sinus infection back again after my two week course of doxycycline. Just over a week until my appointment with my ENT it still feels so far away though. My nose and my head really hurts all time 😦

My man boobs are still swollen and sore which is making the gender dysphoria much worse to deal with because I really don’t feel manly at all. I’ve not been able to bind at all because my chest is just too sore, which is frustrating.

I’m feeling the effects more and more of not being on methotrexate, I’m much more exhausted then usual, after a afternoon out yesterday all I’ve done today is sleep. Also yesterday my knee was swollen, it was so sore and felt really uncomfortable. Its been hurting for a while but I’ve just ignored it, I think it might be time to get it looked at now.

Had some more shit fucking news regarding my disability benefits, they’ve refused my appeal! So this means I now have to take them to a tribunal ffs! I just don’t have the energy for this shit, I really don’t. But I’ve got to keep fighting this because I deserve these benefits because I am ill and unable to work. Its an absolute joke it really is, having to jump through all these hoops just to receive money to survive. This is governing my entire life right now, its all I think about, worry about, talk about. But its important because its effecting me so much, I am a strong boy I can deal with this, like I deal with everything else.

Mr Scrappy has been poorly today, he’s been throwing up this afternoon but he’s been stopped now for an hour or so. Hopefully its just a bug he’s picked up and he’ll feel better in the morning. He’s been like this a few times before, so I’m not overly worried about him, he’s probably just picked up a bug.

Ok lets lighten this shit up a bit lol, um so had a text the other day to say I can upgrade my phone 3 months early, OH HELL YEAH! I was bang straight on it and got myself a iPhone 6, I am loving it, I can’t stop playing around with it and the case feels really nice, I can’t stop touching it lol.

I’ve got a good week ahead of me, so I wont be at a loss of what to do. I am having my eldest nephew tomorrow for a bit which I’m really looking forward too, as I don’t get to spend a lot of time just me and him.

So yeah that’s me, life is mega frustrating right now but when isn’t my life complicated huh…. never lol.

I think if I hadn’t got the early upgrade on my phone then the denial of my appeal for disability benefits would have pushed me over the edge, I somehow feel refreshed and energised because I’ve been bursting for an upgrade and it made me feel so happy. Its hard to put into words that make any sense but I feel ready to fight again, I know I can win this and I am totally up for the fight. I’m definitely feeling more myself 🙂

^^ Scrappy and Foxy enjoying the beach

^^ Found this cool sand art 🙂

^^ My beautiful Marley moo

^^ Scrappy enjoying the sun by the river

^^ Foxy girl enjoying the sun 🙂

Well that’s all for now, I’ll try update sometime this week.

Peace out

Batman

Just one big vicious circle….

Ah what to write that is not along the same lines as what I have been writing so far this year and well last year… My life ladies and gentlemen is one HUGE vicious circle that I cannot stop and I fucking HATE! I don’t want to be in this circle any more! I want it to end NOW! 😦

Enough said right there ^^

I’m just SO over this all. Yet AGAIN I am on antibiotics for ANOTHER fucking sinus infection! Like I don’t suffer enough without this bs going on. Oh and I had a full on nose bleed last night..yeah it woke me up for like an hour :/ but felt much longer as all I wanted to do was sleep. Nose bleeds for me are a warning sign that something is wrong not that the Dr that saw me gave a fuck about anything I had to say, she just wanted to get me out the office and done with..

I am so sick of this fucking situation, I just want a break. Tomorrow I get to spend the day chasing people up and sorting shit out…Oh I cannot wait to do that! NOT! That in itself takes some much energy and emotional stress. I definitely need a secretary! I also need a sugar mumma Tongue Out that would make all this MUCH easier..but alas that is just a dream.

My life is right now is, antibiotics, other pills, chronic illness, chronic pain, low mood, benefits, phone calls, appointments, money worries…and it just goes around in a circle, the antibiotics finish and soon after the sinus infection comes right back again. I’m so sick of thinking about it, sick of this being my life! and as I am sat here writing this my nose is bleeding again..ffs! At least its not a heavy one but its still not a good sign, definitely think I am having a flare up right now.

I had to miss group again today, one because I had the doctors this morning and two because I just felt too ill to go anywhere. But I did get a call from My health My way, which is like a support place for people like me with chronic health issues. The lady was asking me for more details about me and my situation and said someone will contact me again, so that’s good. I hate missing group so much as its a lifeline of support and its not on next week due to annual staff leave..ah such bad timing but it is what it is I suppose.

Right now I am struggling to see any positivity or any hope that things will get better, or that I will get better. Its hard to keep my mood on a level as I’m standing on the edge of that black hole, my feet right over the edge, I have nothing to grab onto to stop me from falling in.

If my life were to be put on the scales then they would certainly look unbalanced and almost ready to topple over, I need something to help re-balance everything, but I don’t know what that would be or even look like. Everything just looks so bleak and black, like the colour has been drained out of my life. I certainly feel that if I were a colour I’d be black, mainly because that’s how I feel and because good days are extremely rare. Good days look like bright, colourful and happy, like purple, yellow, pink, orange, blue and other such wonderful colours, I miss good days, I hope I get one again soon.

I tried not to write about the same BS over and over but..well unfortunately my life is fucking BS right now and I have nothing else to talk about 😦

How do I feel right now? I feel tired, my body aches so much and I feel a bit low and empty.

I’m so glad I have the unconditional love of my 4 beautiful fur babies ❤

 and a picture of me 🙂

Peace out

Batman

Meh…

So it has been over a week since I last posted and that’s mainly because I’ve been ill with a sinus infection but my mood has also been pretty low too.

I don’t really know where to start, its been such a long week or so and so much has happened.

Fri 26th Feb – Harley got spayed and chipped, everything went really well and she’s healing nicely 🙂 so proud of my gorgeous girlie.

27th Feb – L, the boys and the pups came over. We went for a walk and then came back to mine and chilled out. Had my nephew Leo for a few hours in the evening.

28th Feb –  Had F and Benny over for the afternoon and I cooked us a meal from scratch which was hard work but really nice.

29th Feb – Feeling so ill.. Harley had a check up at the vets and is healing fine.

1st March – Feeling so ill…Mother came over but luckily my bro came over too with Leo, which made her visit a lot easier to deal with as I just played with Leo. She gave me my birthday present..she gave me some money and a top..from the fucking woman’s section! She’s such a fucking dick! She did the washing up though. That’s the last time I reply to her though, I don’t  want her anywhere near me any more. I did have a good evening though as E came over and we had pizza and she bought me a birthday cake and presents 🙂 so at least I had a good evening.

2nd – My 31st Birthday! Feeling so ill and full of snot! But I had a good day L came over with boo and the pups which was cool and she spoilt me loads 🙂 We just chilled out watching Disney films as I was feeling too ill and tired to do anything else. I had another friend H.A pop over late afternoon which was nice. Didn’t do anything special in the evening, just the usual.

3rd – Feeling so ill, felt far too ill to go to group. So I stayed at home all day, I did manage to take the pups to baiter, not really because I wanted to but cuz the pups needed to go out for a good run. Played some of my new Lego Movie game which was cool.

4th – Still poorly but I ordered antibiotics Tuesday and picked them up, pretty much instantly felt better after taking them. Just rested all day again.

5th – Went over to L’s in the afternoon, I gave her her mother days present from the boys 🙂 just chilled out all day which was nice.

6th – Tried to distract myself all day, fucking stupid mothers day! Played on my ps3, played with Lego..just doing stuff…felt so bored and restless 😦

7th – Exhausted, took ages to do anything but I did mange to do laundry and the housework. Had my nephew in the evening for a few hours which was nice.

8th- Had to sort out the fucking bank AGAIN! Didn’t do much in the day. Had my trans group therapy session which was a good session.

9th – I’ve done fuck all! Well I got showered and dressed and cooked dinner. F and Benny came over for a bit which was nice and she gave me my birthday present 🙂 a top that says master builder which is so cool!

So yeah a brief overview of my life, not very exciting.

Having the sinus infection effected my mood and my appetite. My mood is still low and I’ve only just got my eating/appetite back on track. I can eat again without gagging! Urgh I hate this bullshit going around and around in circles!

Fed up of it all…Meh.

Batman

Chronic Illness F*cking Sucks!

Sick and tired, tired and sick….I am so fed up of getting sinus infection after sinus infection, fed up of the chronic pain, fed up of the chronic fatigue..Just totally fed up of it all. I am fed up of having doctors not listen to me…I’m fed up of being me and having this life forced upon me.

But I push through…why I don’t quite know any more but I do.

I will write more when I feel less exhausted…when that will be is anyone’s guess!

Peace out

Batman

Thoracic medicine appointment

I had a great weekend but yeah totally paying for it today, I woke up exhausted and in so much pain.

I woke up about 6 am because I was in so much pain with my hips and knees. So I had breakfast and pain killers and I managed to get back to sleep on the sofa until 11 am.

When I woke up I had just enough time to get showered and dressed, take the pups out and sort myself out ready for my hospital appointment.

It takes an hour on the bus to get to the hospital and a hour back and an hour in there! Two buses there and two buses back.

Hospital appointment went well, sat in a box and did breathing tests and had a chest x-ray. He agrees with me that I need to be given a try of a different immune suppressant, he’s also going to write to my ENT doc to get him to see me regarding my reoccurring sinus infections and he is going to ask about another possible sinus rinse. I told him about my situation with atos and my benefits and he said its disgusting but he’ seeing it all the time. So yeah good appointment and my wind pipe is looking good as well and I see him in 6 months.

Got home, sorted out my med box for the week and sorted out my weekly planner with what bills and appointments I have, so I know where I need to be in the next fortnight.

I wanted to quickly hop on here to write about my appointment before I go and again and totally forget what he said lol!

It was a good appointment and I am so glad he’s totally on my side with everything I said to him, which is great and makes life so much easier when I don’t have to battle against them, because that makes it so stressful. He actually listens to what I say and he responds to what I say and sadly out of all the doctors I’ve seen in my lifetime that’s a very rare thing.

Anyway I’m feeling happy and content still, just tired and achy. I gotta get going to group now 🙂

Peace out

Batman