I haven’t written my blog for about 4 months now, mainly because my old laptop SUCKS! So I since have gotten myself a nice new laptop, it’s a gaming laptop and its a good spec for what I want it for and a decent price too. I have it on tick so paying it off monthly.
Jeez so much has happened in the last few weeks let alone four months. I’m not going to cover it all right now, but I’ll write the basics of what’s been going on and then I’m going to start writing more regularly again.
I don’t even know where to start right now, ummm ok I’ll start with the gender identity stuff. 6 weeks ago I went to the Gender Identity Clinic in London to see the psychiatrist, he was super nice and we talked for about an hour. He gave me the 2nd yes I needed to start testosterone. I was flying high that day I can tell you, I was so happy that finally things are on the move and I’m getting to where I want to be. However I am still waiting on the letter for the GIC about starting T, which is pretty frustrating it’s like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. But I’ve been ringing up every 2 weeks and tomorrow I’m going to ring up again and chase up the paper work so I don’t get forgotten. I know they have a 8 week backlog of paperwork, which is why I need to keep chasing until I get my paperwork sorted. I’m starting to get impatient now, I just wanna get started on my new journey. I feel as though I am in some sort of limbo just waiting, not really anywhere.. just here not really anywhere. I do also have some levels of anxiety about starting T, I’m anxious that it will make my bipolar harder to control then it already it at the moment. I’m anxious about my chest, as I don’t/can’t bind my chest.. so yeah that’s my biggest anxiety really. Anyway that’s the basics of that aspect of my life, just waiting.
Physical health stuff is doing alright with my new med regime that I started earlier on in the year. The only thing I stopped is the steroid nose drops, as they gave me a migraine every day. I’m not having any side effects from the mycophenolate which makes a nice change and physically I’ve been feeling alright on it. I’ve not had any sinus infections yet, which again is such a relief as pretty much all of 2016 was one big snot fest of a sinus infection, that was my punishment for stopping methotrexate against the doctors wishes.
Mental health stuff…where do I start with this, its been a hell of a 3 months regarding my bipolar. As soon as it became sunny my mood went up but I didn’t think anything of it really until a week or so ago my mood crashed. Looking back on it I was having a hypo-manic episode, it’s not as bad as a manic episode its like a level down from a manic episode. I think I was more annoyed at myself for not seeing it sooner but it is what it is I suppose, I think it took me by surprise a bit. But on the plus side I got loads of stuff done, made some awesome memories and that so it wasn’t all bad. The come down have been pretty fucking shit though, some days I’ve been so depressed I just wanna die, although I haven’t felt suicidal I just didn’t want to exist any more. Other days I’ve felt really agitated, angry and just really on edge but with loads of energy so I think that’s been a mixed mood state. One day the agitation was so bad that I cut myself… but I don’t really remember much of that day or what happened it was a bit of a blur. I’ve been dissociating a lot as well, so I don’t remember a lot of things that have happened, some days I can’t even remember if I’ve eaten or not. I have big gaps of time missing and trying to recall anything is really difficult and that’s super frustrating. I find the dissociation the most difficult to deal with above everything else. I feel so absent like my body is just floating along and I’m above it with strings like a puppeteer moving the shell of my body along through the days and nights that just merge into one. Even writing this is difficult as my mind keeps wandering off into space somewhere.
This past few days I’ve just taken some time to myself to look after myself and my needs, I’ve slept lots, upped my meds, ate sort of well and I’ve just binged watched tv and played with my fur babies. I think I’m starting to feel a lil more human but I don’t want to get too excited about feeling alright.
I forgot to mention that I started Slimming world 14 weeks ago and I’ve lost 1 stone 3 lbs. Super proud of myself, I never thought I’d be able to lose weight in a healthy way but I have and I especially never thought I’d be able to sustain the weight loss on all the medication I’m on. Highly recommend Slimming world to anyone who wants to lose weight in a healthy way.
So yeah that’s me really in short, there’s probably tons I’ve missed out but I think I’ve gotten the most important things down. Now I have a nice new laptop that takes seconds to start-up, I’m going to write far more regularly than I have been.