Transition update – Week 16 on T

I can’t believe today I did my 5th testosterone shot, time just flies by. Although it didn’t go quite to plan, I slit my thumb open on the vial. You have a pressure point that you push to open the little glass vial and so far its been fine, but today I just managed to shatter the top and it went straight into my thumb… needless to say it hurt like fuck! and bled a load. So I washed it out to make sure no glass was left in it and just put a plaster on it. It hurts to touch.. but I’m sure it will heal soon.

No major changes to report although things below the belt have felt a little swollen now and again. Testosterone causes the clit to grow a bit, which helps when it comes to lower surgery, so I think that’s probably what’s happening. It’s uncomfortable and its not really an area that I want to associate with so its not the greatest side effect of T but its one I gotta deal with.

That’s all really transition wise, my mood has been really low and my anxiety has been so bad. Last week I also self harmed, I was just in so much distress I didn’t know what else to do. Disassociation has been really bad as well, just been losing time and feeling super weird and dizzy. I just don’t feel good a lot of the time, just really struggling. I been struggling to eat enough as well, which is making me feel weak and it makes things harder. I’ve decided not to go back to slimming world, I’ve learnt what I needed to in order to maintain a healthy diet but right now I just need to eat without worrying about what I’m eating. Anyway that’s the abridged version of everything that’s going on right now.

I had my best friend down from London Fri till yesterday, that was really cool to have some bro time. Had a mini Christmas on Sunday, I cooked a roast dinner and we put up the tree, so that was awesome. It was really nice to have some company for a few days.

Week 16 on T

^ This weeks picture

99E75175-AF19-4F53-9C30-730ED64DE14E (Edited)

^ I did another comparison picture

^ My cut thumb from the testosterone vial

^ This weeks video, its only a short one

Peace out

Batman

Update – A bit of everything

I’ve been on and off the laptop all day doing one thing or another and I’m still on here just messing around, googling random things, as ya do and looking up stuff.

It’s been a pretty good start to the week, I had all intentions of getting up at a reasonable time but it didn’t end up that way. I woke up about 7 am and my hips and legs were so painful, painful enough to wake me up. I managed to lay in bed until I was rudely woken up by the workmen, although our intercom and the lock on the front door to the communal door is now fixed.

I got up and had some breakfast with the intention of getting the housework done afterwards but my hips and legs were hurting so much it just zaps my energy so much. So I feel asleep on the sofa all snuggled up with the dogs. After that it still took me a while to get myself off the sofa, I did eventually get the housework done and all the other bits I do on a Monday, like doing my med box up for the week.

As I said I’ve spent most of the day on and off the laptop doing one thing or another but I’ve needed this time to just rest and take care of myself and my body definitely needed a rest.

I’m so excited for tomorrow, I’m getting my second testosterone injection in the afternoon. I can’t wait to see the changes from this injection over the next 4 weeks. This is literally the best decision I have ever made, whilst everything else may not be where I want it to be, this is the only thing in my life that is just perfect, its exactly where I want to be, exactly who I want to be.

My mood has been pretty settled, I’ve just been feeling good and that’s a feeling I’m starting to get used too. I’ve not noticed any drastic changes in my mood which is good, as myself and the endocrinologist were concerned that it could cause me to have a manic episode. In the past when I’ve had a steroid injection for my physical health issues, I’ve had trouble with insomnia and a manic episode after the injection and as the testosterone is steroid based that’s why I was concerned. But luckily so far I’ve had not had a issue, I have had a few nights where its taken me ages to get to sleep but I wouldn’t class that as insomnia. I am hopeful it stays this way, insomnia and manic episodes aren’t fun and I don’t really want to up the Quetiapine as I don’t want to ruin my weight loss.

Talking of weight loss, I’ve got 8 1/2 pounds to go until target.  I hope I can reach this before Christmas, I’m going to give it my best. I really want to succeed at this, I know I can do it. When I started it was super easy, as the months have gone its gotten a bit harder and I’ve gone off track a tad over the last few weeks. But I am determined to get to target.

Anyway I shall update with a transition post tomorrow after my T injection! woohoo!

Peace out

Batman

Transition update – Week 3 on T

Today is week 3 of being on T and I’m due my next injection next Tuesday.

I am feeling pretty good right now, I feel a peacefulness inside that I haven’t felt before and it feels good. I feel more confident in myself too, like I feel just more myself then ever before and it feels good.

The only new physical changes I have noticed this week is that my chest feels and looks a bit flatter which is cool as I am unable to bind my chest. My chest looks a bit less noticeable, that makes the gender dysphoria a bit easier to deal with. I’ve got tons of spots coming up and I have a huge volcano of a spot on the back of my neck, its a bit sore and I’m trying hard not to pick them all.

Also been super hungry this week, like I just want to eat all the time. However today I haven’t felt as hungry, it does come and go. I have put on a pound or too, that’s partly my fault for eating all the naughty things I’ve been craving and not sticking to the slimming world plan. I need to get re-motivated and get back on eating properly

Anyway only a short one this week because I don’t feel like I have much to say as not much has been going on this week. Plus I really want to have a shower tonight, as I feel super greasy and achy.

 

Last note, always be your true self, be strong, be brave, you totally got this

Week 3 on T

Peace out

Batman

Update – I’ve not written in forever

I haven’t written my blog for about 4 months now, mainly because my old laptop SUCKS! So I since have gotten myself a nice new laptop, it’s a gaming laptop and its a good spec for what I want it for and a decent price too. I have it on tick so paying it off monthly.

Jeez so much has happened in the last few weeks let alone four months. I’m not going to cover it all right now, but I’ll write the basics of what’s been going on and then I’m going to start writing more regularly again.

I don’t even know where to start right now, ummm ok I’ll start with the gender identity stuff. 6 weeks ago I went to the Gender Identity Clinic in London to see the psychiatrist, he was super nice and we talked for about an hour. He gave me the 2nd yes I needed to start testosterone. I was flying high that day I can tell you, I was so happy that finally things are on the move and I’m getting to where I want to be. However I am still waiting on the letter for the GIC about starting T, which is pretty frustrating it’s like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. But I’ve been ringing up every 2 weeks and tomorrow I’m going to ring up again and chase up the paper work so I don’t get forgotten. I know they have a 8 week backlog of paperwork, which is why I need to keep chasing until  I get my paperwork sorted. I’m starting to get impatient now, I just wanna get started on my new journey. I feel as though I am in some sort of limbo just waiting, not really anywhere.. just here not really anywhere. I do also have some levels of anxiety about starting T, I’m anxious that it will make my bipolar harder to control then it already it at the moment. I’m anxious about my chest, as I don’t/can’t bind my chest.. so yeah that’s my biggest anxiety really. Anyway that’s the basics of that aspect of my life, just waiting.

Physical health stuff is doing alright with my new med regime that I started earlier on in the year. The only thing I stopped is the steroid nose drops, as they gave me a migraine every day. I’m not having any side effects from the mycophenolate which makes a nice change and physically I’ve been feeling alright on it. I’ve not had any sinus infections yet, which again is such a relief as pretty much all of 2016 was one big snot fest of a sinus infection, that was my punishment for stopping methotrexate against the doctors wishes.

Mental health stuff…where do I start with this, its been a hell of a 3 months regarding my bipolar. As soon as it became sunny my mood went up but I didn’t think anything of it really until a week or so ago my mood crashed. Looking back on it I was having a hypo-manic episode, it’s not as bad as a manic episode its like a level down from a manic episode. I think I was more annoyed at myself for not seeing it sooner but it is what it is I suppose, I think it took me by surprise a bit.  But on the plus side I got loads of stuff done, made some awesome memories and that so it wasn’t all bad. The come down have been pretty fucking shit though, some days I’ve been so depressed I just wanna die, although I haven’t felt suicidal I just didn’t want to exist any more. Other days I’ve felt really agitated, angry and just really on edge but with loads of energy so I think that’s been a mixed mood state. One day the agitation was so bad that I cut myself… but I don’t really remember much of that day or what happened it was a bit of a blur. I’ve been dissociating a lot as well, so I don’t remember a lot of things that have happened, some days I can’t even remember if I’ve eaten or not. I have big gaps of time missing and trying to recall anything is really difficult and that’s super frustrating. I find the dissociation the most difficult to deal with above everything else. I feel so absent like my body is just floating along and I’m above it with strings like a puppeteer moving the shell of my body along through the days and nights that just merge into one. Even writing this is difficult as my mind keeps wandering off into space somewhere.

This past few days I’ve just taken some time to myself to look after myself and my needs, I’ve slept lots, upped my meds, ate sort of well and I’ve just binged watched tv and played with my fur babies. I think I’m starting to feel a lil more human but I don’t want to get too excited about feeling alright.

I forgot to mention that I started Slimming world 14 weeks ago and I’ve lost 1 stone 3 lbs. Super proud of myself, I never thought I’d be able to lose weight in a healthy way but I have and I especially never thought I’d be able to sustain the weight loss on all the medication I’m on. Highly recommend Slimming world to anyone who wants to lose weight in a healthy way.

So yeah that’s me really in short, there’s probably tons I’ve missed out but I think I’ve gotten the most important things down. Now I have a nice new laptop that takes seconds to start-up, I’m going to write far more regularly than I have been.

Peace out

Batman