LIFE IN LOCKDOWN..CONT

This feels like a never ending saga… Although things are starting to slowly get back to normal-ish. More places are starting to open and you’re allowed to travel a bit more and the level has been lowered to 3.. which I’m unsure of the exact do’s and don’ts but for me I am meant to be isolating now till the end of this month, although that could change. It’s just a case of waiting to see what happens next, I do think a second wave is inevitable as that’s just how a virus works.

For me I don’t feel quite comfortable going to any shops in town just yet, although I will have to go to primark at some point at I have one pair of shorts and the ones I’ve seen in Asda either don’t feel right or just aren’t my style. I’m also feeling quite anxious about using public transport, luckily at the moment I don’t have to go anywhere, despite bursting to take the dogs out for the day somewhere, I think for me right now the risks still outweighs the wants. Plus I need a mask which I don’t have and don’t feel comfortable wearing due to not being able to breathe properly. I think I’d feel to claustrophobic wearing a mask, especially on the bus. So for now, I’m staying local..which is boring AF but I got to keep safe.

I wish I could say I was coping better with this lockdown life, but sadly I can’t. I’m still really struggling, my depression is pretty bad, anxiety is bad and the disassociation is really crippling.

I decided that today I was going to try my best to actually participate and engage in life, rather then the disassociation take over and its been extremely exhausting trying to stay present and in the moment. But I’ve been able to get things done that have just been impossible to do in the last few weeks.

Most days I am so disconnected, disassociated and switched off that all I can do is sleep, eat snacks as cooking has just been too difficult and walk the dogs. I haven’t even been able to really watch anything either, I’ve just been watching things I don’t have to concentrate on, things I’ve seen a million times as its kind of comforting and eases my anxiety. There’s a few new seasons of shows I love on netflix that I’m bursting to watch, but for some reason I can’t start them. I feel too anxious, I know it makes no sense. I’m not really enjoying doing anything either, I just feel so numb, I can’t remember the last time I actually felt something other then feeling so numb and just nothing. I feel like most days I’m just going through the motions, just to get through another day of monotony.

I struggle to even start a task, it takes forever to do the basics, as I’m so trapped my anxiety and fighting to stay in the moment that I spend a lot of time sitting down trying to motivate myself enough to unfreeze and move. Its such a battle every day just to do the simplest of things and its so exhausting. I’m meant to be taking my blood pressure every day, but I’ve been unable to do that, as I just don’t remember and for some reason it feels like an overwhelming task, even though its so simple.

I’m just trapped inside my head all by myself all the time and my head is such a dark place to be but I’m stuck there. I need outside stimulation and interaction, I need outside help. But it’s just not there right now.

I’m so withdrawn from life, that I just don’t reach out anymore, I just can’t bring myself to it. I’ve kinda resided to the fact that this is life now, just on my own, loneliness forever. I’m not ok with that but I’m too tired to keep trying to insert myself into people’s lives.

Even when I’m out with the dogs and people talk to me, I keep stumbling over my words, I feel super awkward and incredibly anxious. I love being out with the dogs but I hate being seen, I just want to walk and chill on my own, which just isn’t me at all. I usually love talking to random strangers but now it just makes me feel so vulnerable and awkward I really don’t enjoy it and I wish I didn’t feel this way as I am quite a social person usually. But my anxiety is so strong and the constant negative thoughts is making everything impossible.

I’m kind of dreading everything getting back to normal, I can see myself keeping myself very withdrawn and isolated, it feels a bit scary getting back to normal. I don’t know how I’m going to get myself back out there into society, just thinking about it freaks me out. I’m not agoraphobic but the thought have having to go a bit further a field, like say to a hospital app is terrifying. Not just getting public transport but also interacting with others and also being able to organise myself enough to get myself somewhere on time. This lockdown has had a huge negative impact on my mental health and its not something that I’ll be able to easily fix.

I’ve had very little sleep today, under 4 hours I think. I got up early and did the house work and made some breakfast and I was out just before 10 am, I took the dogs for a walk and sat down where we scattered dad’s ashes which was nice and peaceful. Spoke to him and wished him a Happy Fathers Day, something I do every year. After our walk I had some lunch and watched and film, then jumped onto the laptop while my brain was still engaged in real life and I’ve been sat here for about 4 hours now. I feel a bit better for blogging and getting stuff out, I’m bloody exhausted now. I’m going to try and get an earlier night.

A couple of weeks ago I decided for my own mental health and sanity to cut ties with my ex completely, which meant deleting messages, blocking on FB and burning the break up letter they gave, which wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be. I couldn’t keep tormenting myself and I felt like I was still holding on, waiting, hoping that maybe I’d be wanted again. I didn’t really want to remain friends in the first place, it’s what they wanted and rather then be strong and stand up for myself I just went along with it. But I can’t heal from the situation whilst stuck in it and still wishing and hoping we’d get back together. I kept thinking I was over it but its still just as painful as when we broke up. I hate feeling so deeply, cuz sure as hell they don’t miss me or were even hurt by the break up, even if they did they didn’t show it. But why would they be hurt, I mean its only me right. Not speaking to them is so painful but being friends was painful, I can’t win.

Man, writing all this shit out makes me feel so broken.. no wonder I’m alone! lol who the fuck wants to take me and all my baggage on?! I don’t even want me.. Maybe this will always be the way, maybe one day I’ll find the light in all this darkness.

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a Trans guy – Hysteroscopy

I wouldn’t usually put a trigger warning on my blog, but this blog in particular could be triggering as it mentions a procedure in a private area and those with gender dysphoria may find it hard to read. Having said that I am writing this to raise awareness of this particular procedure and its process and why it maybe done during transition from female to male.

This goes back to July, where I was sent a letter from the Gender clinic and my GP got the same letter to arrange a ultrasound scan of my uterus. Which is standard procedure once you are 2 years on testosterone. My GP organised the ultrasound scan for me, which was at my local hospital.

I’ve had ultrasound scans before so I knew what the expect. I had to drink loads of water before my appointment, I got called into my appointment and they put gel on my stomach and tried to scan me but as it was in the morning, I needed to drink more. So I went back into the waiting room and drank MORE water until I felt like I needed to pee and then they called me in and tried again, more cold gel on my belly and she pushed the scanner thing into my stomach, to take a look at my uterus. Which was really uncomfortable, especially when you really need to pee! She cleaned off my belly and there was a toilet in the room, so I went for a pee straight away! and man what a relief!

While I was waiting for the results, I tried to google why a trans guy on testosterone would need a ultrasound scan but I couldn’t find anything. Which is why I am writing this blog, to help educate others with my experience.

It didn’t take too long to get the results but the letter said that the lining of my uterus was too thick and it shouldn’t be. That really was all the information that was in the letter. They booked me an appointment with the gynaecologist and I went to that appointment on Friday.

Turns out I was extremely unprepared for this appointment and wasn’t fully aware of what they were going to do. That was partly my fault for not reading the information letter properly, but also I was probably just trying to block it out, not think about it as I have little connection to that part of my body. Although I was kinda good I wasn’t aware of what was going to happen at this appointment, as I didn’t have time to get anxious.

It was an early morning appointment, I only got up an hour before my appointment, so I washed my face and put some clothes on and ate a chocolate bar for breakfast lol and walked up to the hospital.

When I got there the Doc was already at reception and asked if I was there, even though I wasn’t late. As soon as they saw me they said ah this must be him and they made sure my details were up to date and the Doc took me into the room.

He had a male student nurse in the room with him, which I didn’t mind. My local hospital is a teaching hospital, so there’s always students knocking around. We briefly discussed my transition, how long I’ve been on testosterone for, how long I’ve been on the contraceptive pill for etc. He did say to me I could be fitted with the coil instead, which I fused as I’ve had friends who have had issues with bleeding and their mental health whilst having the coil and I don’t have any bleeding on the pill so I do not want to change that as periods are something I do not want! and cannot cope with.

He explained that all the hormones I’m on should have thinned the lining of my uterus, so they needed to do a hysteroscopy to take a sample of the lining to test and make sure everything is as it should be.

Now I cannot fault the Doctor or the nurses, they were amazing! They all gendered me correctly and just couldn’t have been nicer.

TRIGGER WARNING – Description of the procedure.

The Doc took me into another room, where two nurses were getting everything ready. I had to take off my shoes, jeans and boxers and loosely wrapped a sheet around me. The nurse helped me get up onto the bed and get comfy, had my legs up in those stirrups with the sheet covering my modesty while they set everything up.

The Doctor stared by inserting a speculum into me, which I’ve had done before for a smear test, so that wasn’t too bad. The Doctor talked me through what he was doing as he was doing it.

He then put a camera inside me, which I could see on the screen next to me, which was kinda cool. But it was extremely painful, he had a good look around my uterus and took pictures. He said it was painful due to the testosterone having made my uterus tight and constricted. They kept saying they could stop, but I didn’t want them too as I didn’t want to have to come back again. The camera process felt like forever! but they were all talking to me, asking me questions, trying to keep me relaxed.

I don’t quite know what he did to take a sample of the lining but it felt really pinchy and like really bad cramps. The whole thing was extremely painful and I’m pretty good with pain but this was almost unbearable.

The Doctor left the room so I could sort myself out, the nurses were clearing things away. One nurse gave me some paracetamol and a drink of water and the other nurse was talking to me about the Joker film and the new Harley Quinn film, which was cool.

I stayed sitting down for about 10 mins because my stomach hurt so much. I went behind the curtains to clean myself up and the nurse gave me this super thick sanitary pad to wear, as she said I would have some bleeding after. Wearing a pad and boxers don’t really go but wasn’t overly uncomfortable. She told me to take a few home with my just in case.

I went back into see the Doctor and said I wasn’t talking to him lol! and he laughed and apologised for it hurting so much. He didn’t really explain the negative possibilities of what the problem could be, he just said that it’s more then likely nothing and he’ll book me an appointment for 12 months. Which still leaves me in the dark as to what potentially the problem could be and as I’ve said there’s no information surrounding this particular situation relating the trans men.

I walked home, as I had light jeans on and I felt self conscious so I didn’t want to sit on the bus and potentially bleed through my jeans. Plus my stomach was hurting so much, I just wanted to get home.

When I got in I fully reclined the sofa, grabbed a pillow, put on my black joggy bottoms and pj top. Grabbed some snacks and a drink and curled up on the sofa with my blanket and Netflix.

I couldn’t move for a while without it hurting, I was curled in ball for hours. I fell asleep for a bit. Eventually the pain eased enough I could stretch out a bit, but I stayed relaxing on the sofa for most of the day.

Not only was I dealing with the physical effects of the procedure, but the mental side effects of having something done in a area of my body that almost feels like something completely separate, its hard to explain what I mean. But the whole experience wiped me out for the day.

Luckily I only bled for a few hours and by the evening it had stopped completely. But my stomach felt really tender all day and still feels a bit tender now a few days on.

I’m not sure how long it takes for the results to come through, but I will keep you all posted with the results.

I wish I had been a little more prepared before this procedure, as I would have done things a little differently.

Here are some tips for having this procedure, I would take a trusted friend, partner, member of family with you and have them in the room if you feel comfortable with that. Have someone drive you home and look after you for the rest of the day. Even though I couldn’t do much after, it would have been nice to have someone with me for that emotional support, even if it just was hanging out and relaxing. Make sure you have in snacks and easy to make foods, hotwater bottle, pain relief. Luckily I already had some snacks and pain relief in.

I hope this has been helpful to those who are going through the same stage in their transition.

If this has triggered you, please reach out of help, don’t suffer alone.

Please feel free to share this blog, to raise awareness within the trans community. I know these things aren’t an easy subject but its something we need to talk about, so we know we aren’t alone.

Peace out

Zak

Awesome weekend with my best friend

The last 5 days have been so good 🙂 I ache all over and I’m utterly exhausted but I am so happy.

Wed –  L, boo and I met up and we had lunch down where I scattered my dad and the pups had fun running about, playing and scrappy went for a swim and at one point Arnie did follow scrappy but wasn’t sure about it lol, was so funny. I ended up having boo over night as he fell asleep back at mine and L had to go get Harvey. Thought it would give her a bit of a break.

Thurs – Boo had me up at 7 am, I fed him and got myself ready 🙂 took pups out for a run and a wee and boo had a run about too. He loves playing with the dogs it’s so cute.

I had a hospital appointment for my fingers and I had to drop of a sputum sample as I was asked to do it last year lol for my chest doc but I’ve finally done it and I see him Mon. The hand therapist was pleased with my fingers although the little finger is still really bent so she gave me this fabric splint type thing to help straighten it out and if there’s any issues I can just ring up and go see her.

Headed to Bournemouth to meet L after her appointment and boo fell asleep on the bus, I sat in the gardens waiting for L. I was eating my jam doughnuts.

I had to head back home because I had stuff to do. I finished off filling out my form for the national statistics and the guy came to pick it up and said I’ll get a voucher to spend for doing it, so that’s pretty cool 🙂 I cleaned up the flat, had some dinner and went over to meet my counsellor from a few years ago just to catch up which was really nice 🙂

Friday was really nice I put the paddling pool up for Leo and spent most the day with him and my bro 🙂 and I didn’t get showered and dressed till gone 3 pm lol. I really needed that lazy day after a busy week and before a busy weekend.

I did gammon in coke for dinner in the slow cooker which was so nice, only did it for 4 hours on high because I forgot to put it on in the morning lol.

L and Harvey come over after the school run, we had dinner and then we went on the usual walk I take the pups. It was good fun Harvey walked across all the big rocks and Arnie jumped head on into a rock while following scrappy lol! Scrappy had a dip in the sea and had a lil swim 🙂 and foxy was just walking along with us. It was so nice and we were out for a few hours. And we all pretty much went straight to bed when we got in.

Saturday – We were all up at half 7 am so we had time to eat and get ready to go on our boat trip without rushing about. I sorted out my lunch and packed everyone’s bags with their snacks and drinks 🙂 made sure the pups had everything they needed too.

We headed out and made sure the pups peed and pooped before we got on the boat so we didn’t have any accidents lol.

Got to the boat just as they were letting peeps on 🙂 eeek. We sat at the top outside at the front and we set off. It was a bit grey and over cast but it was muggy and once we got out of the harbour the wind got up and it was a bit cold, Harvey and L really felt it and ended up sitting inside lol. I stayed outside as I didn’t really feel the cold, once we went up the river the wind dropped and the sun came out a bit. The pups were so good, scrappy kept barking at the buoys and watching the birds. Foxy was a bit chilly so I wrapped her up in my coat bless her.

We got off the boat and had an hour to have a little look around. It was market day so that was cool, I got some crab lines and Harvey got a sword. We sat down to have our lunch and let the pups run about…but scrappy thought it would be good fun to roll in and eat some poop lol! He’s so gross! Harvey saw people getting back on the boat and was freaking out in case it went without us lol!

On the way back we sat inside which was nice and warm and Harvey was running about. I convinced him that we saw a great white shark while he was upstairs and I got a picture from Google to show him as evidence and he believed me bless him 🙂 hehe love tricking him, it’s so easy! He kept going on about it the rest of the weekend. We had a look on the quay as it was Harry Paye day, so loads of people dressed up as pirates, stools and music all along 🙂 and they shot some old cannons and guns too. So lucky to live here absolutely love it.

Watched Jurassic park 2, just chilling out. All the dogs and me and L were shattered. Had a cheeky burger king for dinner 😉 and just had a relaxing evening chatting and watching tv.

And we are caught up to today! It’s Fathers day today so for most of this morning I avoided looking at FB as everyone was posting about it… I’m feeling ok and that but I just miss my dad, its the 3rd fathers day without him.

We all just had a chilled out morning, L and I needed the sleep. Went out in the afternoon down to the quay to catch crabs, L managed to catch 1 lol I caught loads and Harvey caught a few too. We got 19 altogether it was good fun I love crab fishing and we were sat near where I scattered my dad and I have fond memories of sat down there crab fishing with him and my brother, so it seemed fitting.

Got back about just before 3 pm I think and L and Harvey got their bits together to head home and get Boo. It was such a good weekend, it’s a shame they don’t live closer. I’d love to be able to just pop over with the dogs of an evening and just walk back without having to worry about taking a 45 mins bus trip there and back.

I was so shattered so I got into my pjs, snuggled up in bed with the pups and had a two hour nap 🙂 I SOOOO needed it and I’m still utterly exhausted now.

Just been watching tv this evening, had myself some dinner and catching up on here.

Mon, Tues and Weds is full of appointments…Tomorrow I have my chest doc at 3 pm, Tues morning I have the dentist REALLY early in the morning but I really need to see him and Wednesday I have my appointment at the hospital to book getting knocked out to have some teeth out…joys. Thurs I have group, Fri I am meeting up with my bro and step dad, Saturday I’m going to my lil cousins bbq birthday party 🙂 so next week is looking really busy already.

Feeling so good and totally loving life ❤ I never thought that it could be this good.

I’m glad I can chill for most of tomorrow before my appointment, I think I need it. Everything hurts and aches but it was totally worth it 🙂

Some pictures from the last few days

Peace out

Batman