Self care and Christmas

The holiday seasons can bring such joy but they can also bring a lot of stress and anxieties, people often put themselves into debt and really put themselves out over this time of year just to make everything amazing and magical so you can have the perfect Christmas that you can show off on your social medias.. But for some its a hard time of year for different reasons.

Mental health issues, eating disorders, addiction, grief, disabilities.. etc DO NOT disappear at Christmas. They still exist and its totally ok to be depressed, to feel sad at Christmas, you will not ruin Christmas! and if someone tells you that you’ve ruined their Christmas because you’re feeling sad then they are TOXIC as fuck! Because it is YOUR Christmas too and you are allowed to feel however you feel!

If you aren’t looking forward to Christmas this year for whatever reason it maybe try and put somethings in place that will make you happy and make you feel comforted. Because this is your Christmas too.

Every year I buy myself presents and I buy all the fur babies presents too and wrap everything up. Which makes me feel good, especially as one of my dogs will unwrap his presents which is so much fun to watch.

I spend the day with a friend and if the weather is good, get out for a nice walk and I make dinner and relax, watch some films maybe play a board game or two and generally just have a relaxing time. But throughout that time I don’t always feel 100% happy because I’m a human who experiences emotions and that’s ok, I’ll also still have to take my medications and pain killers because my chronic illness doesn’t take a day off.

Boundaries are SO important this time of year, as it is so easy to become overwhelmed and anxious. First boundary would be don’t spend what you don’t have! Buy Christmas presents for every person you know, or buy lots of presents just isn’t worth getting into debt over! Put a limit on what you spend and don’t feel guilty about not buying everyone something, even kids you may have in the family or friends kids. Just because it is Christmas your are under no obligation to get them anything, especially if you can’t afford too, because the stress of being in debt will be worse then the 5 mins of joy that a present creates. If you HAVE to give presents, be creative, make something, gift something you don’t use, get it from a charity shop.

Time boundaries are super important too, as people feel obliged to see you just because its the season. But if you don’t feel up for seeing people when they’re feel try not to feel guilty, there’s always another time. Or if you simply don’t want to see that person, say no. It’s ok to say no to things that you don’t want to do especially if it won’t make you feel good. Don’t push yourself into doing things you really don’t want to do, even if its family engagements, you are under NO obligations to do anything! Do no let anyone bully you, guilt you or gaslight you into doing things you don’t want to do. You are you own person, with things going on and if you’re struggling with the season, tell people, tell them you’re not really feeling it and why and you’d rather just not do whatever it is and if they don’t respect that, they are the problem.

Time boundaries on Christmas day is important too, if you need to take some time out own your own, to nap or just be by yourself, do it! You don’t need to explain yourself, take yourself off and have some down time, that is TOTALLY OK! and much needed and it can get really overwhelming, especially if you’re surrounded by lots of people. It’s hard to be happy and social if you don’t feel it inside. Take some time to yourself to recharge, you will not ruin anything. You and your mental health is super important too, everyone will still be there when you’re ready to re-join everyone and if you just can’t face going back that’s totally ok too! Do what you need to do, take time to listen to yourself and what YOU need.

If you’re spending Christmas alone through choice or not, try and stay off social media, although I know there are usually a few different chats throughout Christmas on Twitter, which could be useful if you’re feeling lonely. Reach out to people, do things that make you happy, like I mentioned earlier, I always but myself presents and wrap them up. Just lots of self care, you are not alone. If you choose not to participate in Christmas at all that’s totally cool too, its not an easy time for everyone.

There’s lots of things you can do on Christmas, you can treat it like any other day, you can volunteer at a local soup kitchen, or at a animal rescue place, I’m sure there are lots of volunteering opportunities over the Christmas period.

But whatever you choose to do, whatever your doing, its ok to feel sad and lonely, its ok to still be grieving that doesn’t stop because its Christmas, its ok to reach out for help, its ok to be happy. It’s just OK, you’ll get through it. You are much stronger then you think. I mean we’ve made it this far right! 🙂

Peace out

Zak

Breaking very old patterns

As I mentioned in my last post, I had written 2 long posts early hours of this morning, but I knew I would need to proof read the spelling and if they made sense or not before posting as they were both written pretty quickly, as I didn’t want to forget anything and wanted to get everything out.

So here goes…

Stuck in patterns especially with friendships and relationships. Experiencing the same same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

I didn’t just need to step out of these friendships, I also needed to look at myself and where I was going wrong and why these patterns kept repeating.

A lot of it was because I let it happen and let those patterns continue as I wasn’t in tune, I wasn’t learning, changing or moving forward.

I also thought it’s all I deserved and because shitty friendships and relationships kept happening, so must be me right? I must have been the reason I was being treated in the ways that I was. That’s a little bit true in the fact I left my behaviour unchecked and unchallenged but I also didn’t challenge others about what they said and the way they treated me, I didn’t express how I felt when someone did or said something. I just shut up and accepted that’s all I deserved.

I’ve always struggled to maintain friendships and relationships. I know I’m not an easy person, I’m overly sensitive and I take things to heart. I used to view these as bad qualities because I was told constantly I’m too emotional, I’m too much to handle etc.

But my sensitivity is what makes me special, it’s what makes me different, it’s what makes me me!

I think these people just didn’t have the same emotional capacity, emotional intelligence as me, so it was easier to make out that I’m the bat shit crazy one and I’ll be the first to admit that I am absolutely bat shit crazy but I’m absolutely cool with that.

I wasn’t built for this cookie cutter society, I was built to stand out and shine bright. But all my life I’ve been surrounded by people who’ve slowly helped to dim that light until I was completely lost in the darkness, just serving others and not looking after myself because myself was completely lost.

I felt invisible like I was only here to serve the needs of others, regardless of the cost to myself. It’s what I deserved, after all I was only a shadow.

The last two years have been the most brutally beautiful and eye opening. It’s like my light has been switched on again and is starting to flicker and with every passing day it gets a little bit brighter.

2018 was the year I fell in love after being on my own for 5 years. Even though it lasted only 7 months I fell hard but it was hard not too as she’s an incredible human, it was the first relationship since starting my transition and as short as it was the longest relationship I’ve had.

I was completely broken when it ended but we remained friends which was really painful to begin with and I think it’s only been really recently that I can say that I’m over her. I still adore her and I’m glad we’re still friends but she was definitely sent to teach me a huge life lesson.

After we broke up my world went from sunshine to perpetual darkness, it was devastating. I withdrew from everyone, withdrew from life, I was so angry, so sad I would spend days crying, which felt like the tears would never stop.

But it gave me the opportunity to analyse what happened, where I went wrong and what I could improve on in the future. Now this isn’t something I’ve ever done before, usually I just get depressed and eventually get over it without learning any lessons so ultimately end up repeating the same shit over again.

It wasn’t a nice process looking at what a needy, emotional, childish diva I was. How intense I was and it’s proper cringeworthy stuff, so bad that I wished I just didn’t exist, that didn’t happen and no one remembered 😂

I mean fair play to her for surviving with me as long as she did.

Even though I did have some awareness of my behaviours and how needy I can be, I tried my hardest to act like a grown up and whatever but those not so great qualities of mine snuck in and soon took over and I couldn’t control myself.

I was overly needy, paranoid, super insecure.. the list goes on.

I’ve been able to step back and take a look at myself and it’s been hard. Especially admitting my flaws but I mean it’s been an essential part of me growing and changing.

It’s taken a lot of work to process the pain and move on from that dark place but I’m doing better now and I hope that if/when a new relationship arises that I’ll be better equipped to deal with myself and have a healthy relationship.

This all led to me taking a step back from important friendships in my life.

Often with long term friendships we don’t tend to take a step back and look at it and see the toxicity that’s slowly crept in along with the complacency.

Whilst this particular person was the one who actually took the plunge and said we need to take a step back from each other, it was something that I was already contemplating and thinking over. They just got to it quicker then I did. But I wanted to take my time look at everything, process everything before I made a decision but my hand was forced and this person did the ending off.

Which as time has gone on has been more of a relief then I imagined.

I won’t go into the ins and outs but toxic behaviour on both sides, a difference in needs/wants/expectations of the friendship which ultimately for me led to feeling disappointed and let down a lot.

I did though put in an important boundary for myself and blocked this person from all my social media as I feel like I wasn’t supported as much as I needed/wanted/expected, so they don’t get to know/see the next parts of my life. Plus a clean break from a bad environment is always good.

The other friendship, well I dunno just things had changed, I had changed and it was just too much of an effort and I just couldn’t be bothered anymore, we’d outgrown each other.

The other friendship, well I was sick to death of hearing the same old depressing shit over and over again and giving my advice and practical help but nothing changed. I walked away for my own sanity.

These decisions weren’t taken lightly as it left me extremely lonely as these people were the only ones that were the closest to me.

I feel like I’m no longer being strangled by others expectations and need. Which has been really freeing.

I’ve spent the last 6 months with huge chunks of time just on my own and it’s been amazing.

The friendships/people I still talk to now is such a different set up. No expectations of anything, we talk as and when, I meet-up with people as and when I feel up to it. I can say no and mean it, without feeling guilty about it. I can put in boundaries without feeling guilty. Proper grown up stuff lol!

I feel like a weight has been lifted, my light is shining bright, my confidence and self esteem is slowly building. I’m becoming the person I’m actually proud of.

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Holy shit who is this person that wrote this deep stuff?! like wow! ahaha. Its amazing what flows out at 4am.

Again another hugely raw and vulnerable post but its good to get this stuff out. I feel good, I am good.

Peace out

Zak

Laid bare

I’ve been mia for a while, I’ve not been posting regularly like I was, for a number of reasons, which I’ll explain as I write this.

I’m feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment, so this is going to be hard and uncomfortable. But it’s something I need to do, I need to get it out and be brave and open myself up.

I’ve been really shut down for the last 8 months, which was around when I spilt up with the person I was dating last year.

I opened myself up and ended up getting hurt, so I did what I always do when I’m hurt, I just shut down, shut everyone out. But I’ve learnt all that does it hurt me more and other people cuz I’m often a absolute dick to people, which I hate but it feels safer then being vulnerable with people.

I’m still good friends with the person I was with last year, which I love but at the moment it’s really hard to not be super needy and just need them and want them to be here and make everything better.. which is ironically where I went wrong in the relationship. I put her on a pedestal and hoped being with her would fix everything and that’s a lot to expect from one person let alone a relationship. That’s not how they work and that’s where I seem to always go wrong. My feelings always just get too intense and I get too much, I expect too much and actually this time I crossed major privacy boundaries and went through her phone, which I regret and still feel so guilty about. I behaved like a jealous child. But it was like an impulse I just couldn’t control. I still give myself a hard time about it, I’ve not forgiven myself yet.

Ultimately the breakup was mutual although she initiated it. It wasn’t meant to work out.

I need to be with someone who’s not embarrassed to be with me, who won’t hide the fact their with me, I deserve that much I know.

From there my mental health has just spiralled down. I think I’ve disconnected with anything mental health related because I didn’t want to have it anymore, I just wanted to be fixed and move on and just have a good life, like everybody else. But I realise I’ll never be like everyone else, maybe I was always meant to stand out and be different which I hate because I’ve tried so hard my whole life to fit in but I never have. Maybe this is it, maybe I’ll always have to work harder then everyone else just to be where I want to be.

Everyone shines, they know who they are, where they’re going in life. I still at 34 have no idea who I am, what I want. I don’t try because I’m so scared to fail but I’m also scared to succeed. I hate being centre of attention. I have no self esteem anymore, I don’t think I ever did. The last few months I’ve just been listening to the negative words running through my head every second of every day, mentally bashing myself. I’m so horrible to myself but I can’t stop.

I doubt this will make much sense because I’m really struggling to organise my brain and thoughts, everything is just all over the place. My brain is just all jumbled up at the moment and it takes so much energy to just get myself organised enough to get out of the flat.

I’ve been trying really hard to fake it till I make it, but I really can’t do it anymore, it’s too hard and it’s not working. I got myself a voluntary job, I started a social group etc I thought it would help and for the most part when I’m out doing stuff it helps, but as soon as I’m on my own again it’s like a switch gets flicked off and my brain is just done.

I’ve really been struggling with depression, anxiety, insomnia, disassociation, gender dysphoria and it’s all just overwhelming and too much for me to deal with alone anymore. So I made an appointment with my GP, I’m going to ask him to refer me back to the community mental health team, I need meds upped and probably need some therapy or something. But this time I need to be super honest and not hold everything in like I can just handle it all, because well no one can do that, not forever anyway.

I think recently I’ve felt worse, for a few reasons, I’m just emotionally exhausted from trying to hold everything together on my own, I’ve stopped doing things that I know help, I’ve been spending too much time on social media, wishing my life was different, knowing full well social media creates a fake reality, it still effects me. I’ve just had zero motivation to do anything, I have to push myself from the moment I get up, some days I can do stuff other days I fail and the furthest I get is from my bed to the sofa and back, with 2 15 mins walks for my dogs.

I don’t feel anything either, just numb all the time.

Everyday I wake up and pretend everything is ok and just fake my way through what I have to do. But inside all I want to do is just be at home where I feel safe. I’m a pretty good actor, some days in front of certain friends I can’t hide it and the darkness seeps out but to most people they see me smiling and happy and it couldn’t be more opposite.

It’s getting harder to just pretend, it’s getting harder to keep it together, it’s getting harder to keep everything inside.

I feel so small, so worthless and that’s another reason I’ve not sought help sooner is because I am trans and have physical health issues, I feel like I don’t deserve help because I already have so many issues. I’m just a drain on society so why waste more money on me.

I know it’s completely self loathing and probably comes across like I’m playing the victim or something (something I’ve recently been told I was doing and tbh hands up I probably was because I was angry and I couldn’t be the rational adult I know I can be) but it’s genuinely how I feel like a lot, all this negative mass of self loathing words swirling around my head daily, I try and say nice things to myself but I just don’t connect with them so I just can’t believe them.

I need help, I need support, whether that be meds’ and therapy or whatever but I’ve finally come to terms with the fact I just can’t do this on my own anymore. My GP is ringing me tomorrow and hopefully I can say everything I need too and maybe get referred back to the community mental health team.

I don’t want to feel like this forever, I want to feel better and I want to feel better about myself and stop destroying myself. I want to try and fail and try again until I succeed at something.

I want help with dealing with disassociation, I’ve just been doing things myself on a trial and error basis to help my dissociative moments. I don’t know if it’s the right thing or not and what I try and do to help myself doesn’t always work. I want to feel more connected with myself, at the moment myself, my brain and body just seems to be fragments floating around bumping into each other but never connecting. It’s really weird, I want to feel like a whole person.

I’m just so emotionally exhausted, I just want some relief. I feel like I’m wading through mud with no end in sight, I’ve ran out of ideas and steam, I can’t help myself anymore on my own. I wake up just as exhausted as when I went to sleep.

So yeah this is me laid bare, heart on the table.

Peace out

Zak

Toxicity purge – Update

I thought I’d do an update with how things have been going since I decided to change things, cut people out of my life etc.

First thing I want to say is that is has been incredibly difficult part of my journey but its been really freeing and I’ve learnt so much about myself. I feel this part of my journey has been really important.

It’s been a pretty dark time, where at times I’ve really struggled to keep going and I’ve just wanted to give up but somehow I’m still going, still trying my best.

About 4 weeks ago I removed everyone off Facebook and only been using FB for the group I run. I originally planned to post stuff to my timeline so I can use it as a diary but I’ve not done that as much as I thought I would. I can honestly say its the best decision I’ve made. I can’t really explain why, I suppose I don’t have that pressure of being watched and judged by people. I feel more free, I can just be me.

I wrote a public post saying what I was doing and people know how to get hold of me and unsurprisingly no one contacted me and this is precisely the reason I did it. I was fed up with all the fakeness of it all and the fact that every friendship I have I was the one keeping it afloat, I was the one to always message first and arrange stuff. I refuse to do it anymore, it has to be equal or I’m not interested anymore. I don’t think I’m setting standards to high I am just beginning to value and respect myself enough to say I deserve better from friendships and relationships in my life.

Some people don’t want you to change and realise your value because it makes them look at their own poor behaviour. I think that’s what happened with the people that blocked me. I still haven’t heard anything, but that’s ok. I’ve forgiven them not for them but for me, being angry won’t hurt the other person, it only poisons yourself. I don’t hold any hate towards anyone who’s hurt me or hasn’t put in equal effort into friendships, because everyone is dealing with their own journey and everyone is at different places in their journey. I think I’ve out grown a lot of people in my life, last year has shown me exactly what I want and now that’s what I’m aiming for. I just wont settle for less anymore.

It’s been a pretty lonely time, cutting out people isn’t easy but I’ve learned to love my own company, I thought I was already comfortable in my own company but clearly not as much as I thought.

I’ve spent a lot of time walking the dogs, when the weather has been nice, listening to podcasts, reading, teaching scrappy new tricks, volunteering at the cat cafe and going to the cinema.

There has been a few people I’ve met up with over the last 4 weeks which has been nice, so I’m not totally isolated and friendless, I do still have a handful of friends that I appreciate and aren’t one sided friendships.

Overall I’m doing pretty well right now, I’m feeling pretty good. Its not easy but I’m just trying to trust the process and enjoy the ride and looking forward to what this road brings in the next few months.

Peace out

Zak

Mobile phones have killed the conversation

Am I the only one who when I am with people will put my phone in my pocket and leave it there, checking it very occasionally.

I had two friends down to stay with me and I felt so fucking awkward, lonely and left out.

They both spent 99% of the time on their phones, they were chatting with other people, playing stupid fucking games and just sitting there in silence… like wtf?! One of my friends even sent me a couple of stupid memes… like wtf I’m in the same fucking room as me! Show me! Don’t fucking text it!

I felt so fucking awkward, I’m not feeling my best as it is and I just didn’t have the energy to keep starting conversations… cuz they just died off anyway, I felt like I was interrupting and I was just in the way in my own fucking house!

We went out yesterday and on the way back not one of them said a word to me! They were just sat there on their phones talking to each other!

So today I didn’t even try, I just wanted them to go, I was so fucking done!

Yes they had bought me dinner but I don’t want or need things bought for me, I got my own fucking money. All I wanted was some quality time with friends… not too much to ask for? Right? But clearly it was.

I’m so fucking angry and upset! I deleted every single person off my FB! I’m fucking done with people! They wanna be friends fucking prove it!

I’m sick to death of trying to keep friendships going, I’m done! I don’t fucking care anymore! People are so selfish and self involved.

Yes we all got issues but fuck! Sitting on your phone whilst in the company of others is so fucking rude!

I’m so lonely, but I’d rather be on my own then be with people who make me feel alone.

One of them clearly didn’t like what I had to say about how they made me feel so I got blocked on social media’s! Fucking pathetic! Truth hurts!

I’m so tired of crying all the time, I’m just tired… I’m trying so hard to keep going and keeping my shit together but it’s exhausting. I’m tired of pretending to be ok, I have to be ok… no one else is here to help.

Peace out

Zak

Self care – Toxicity purge continued….

My previous post was written whilst I was on the bus, I took myself on a date night. I needed to get out as I was just sat at home, stuff running through my head and I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I decided that it would be good to get out for a bit, I looked up what was on at the cinema and took myself to see Mary Poppins returns and had a burger for dinner.

That afternoon I had posted some keys back to a person who I was planning on cutting out of my life, that felt good but still didn’t feel enough.

On the way to the cinema, I wrote because it was all sat under the surface and it all came tumbling out into words and I felt so much better for it, like I said in the previous post, I needed to vomit it out and purge myself from all this shit I was holding in.

I don’t know why I stop doing the things I know that help me to feel better. Some of it I suppose is self sabotage and partly being disconnected and disassociated from myself. If I’m not connected to myself it makes it harder to know what I need.

After the film, I went onto every social media I am on and blocked 2 people from everything, I even blocked them so they can no longer text or call me. I did it without explanation, as I felt no need to explain my actions to people who are committed to misunderstanding me. It felt like such a huge relief and also a bit scary too, but definitely more of a relief then anything else.

I’ve wanted to cut these two people out for while now but because I am so lonely and isolated, I’ve just been holding on to these toxic people for longer then I should have, due to fear of being lonely… which in itself is ironic as I was lonely anyway, so this won’t make any difference.

It’s always scary cutting people out of your life but I’m hoping if I keep letting go of all the bad/toxic things in my life then I will start attracting more positive things into my life.

It can only get better now right?! I have to be strong and resit the urge to contact these people and explain myself and or apologise. Neither deserve and explanation or an apology and I don’t need to explain my actions to anyone. As long as my heart is right that’s all that matters.

For too long I’ve held onto friendships/relationships that are toxic for fear of being alone but I end up feeling and being alone anyway, so I’m not sure why I held on for so long. I refuse to do it anymore, I refuse to be used, I refuse to be put down, I refuse to be dragged into pointless drama, I refuse to be dragged down. I am worth so much more, I deserve to be treated so much better, I need to find my peace and feel content.

I’ve done a lot of purging this week, I went through everything in my flat and I have so much I want to sell. There’s so much shit I’ve collected over the past 11 years and now it all just feels too much and I want it all gone.

A lot of it holds bad memories, bad energies and just no longer serves me. There was a time I collected Lego, putting Lego together helped me to relax, unwind and be in the moment and at that time it had a purpose and worked for me, but I haven’t played with my Lego for about a year. It was just all sitting around and it just looked cluttered. That’s one example and it feels great to start getting rid of stuff and at least having a lot of it out of sight.

I’m changing as a person and its not always comfortable or easy, most of the time its really uncomfortable and fucking hard but at the same time it feels great and it feels right, which is how I know I’m on the right path.

I’m anxious to do a carboot sale to get rid of everything, I have a couple of people that may help, I feel a bit restless as I want it all out of my flat like right now, so I can feel that release. But I have to try and be patient.

Anyway I’m rambling on a bit now, as I am exhausted. I have been all day, not sure why.

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Zak

Feeling the energies of the earth – My Spiritual journey

I am so lucky to live to close to the sea, I feel so at home there and so grounded when I’m by the sea.

Yesterday evening I took the dogs out for a walk, I wasn’t intending to be out for long but we ended up being out for 4 hours. We met a lovely couple and ended up sitting and talking with them for ages, we sat and watched the sun go down. Even though I didn’t know these ladies it was as though we’d all known each other forever.

Sitting by the sea watching the sun go down was so beautiful, I felt so peaceful and calm and just at one with the world. It’s not something I’ve felt for a while, it felt so good just to sit and be. Also the only time I picked up my phone was to take pictures of the sunset, because I was sat chatting with these ladies, I didn’t need to look at my phone and constantly check my social media. It was just what I needed to switch off for a while, I really need to do it more often. I will make it a habit and apart of my daily routine.

Last night was good because I almost felt like I’d been reset, refreshed. I feel like I can take on anything again, I feel like myself again. It feels good.

Today my best friend and I took the dogs down to the water again, which was really nice. Because it was hot I wanted to put fox in the sea to cool her down, she doesn’t like swimming whereas Scrappy just dives straight into the sea. I took my shoes and socks off and walked into the sea with fox in my arms, I went in up to my knees so fox got completely wet and she even had to swim back into shore bless her. I got her little head wet as well, she was not best impressed but it stopped her panting.

I paddled about in the water for a bit, playing fetch with Mr Scrappy. He was going in so far having a good swim, he absolutely loves the sea.

The sea wasn’t cold it felt just right and I could feel all the stones under my feet, usually they hurt my feet but today they didn’t. All I felt was peace and calmness, I felt the energies of the earth flowing the me from my feet upwards and it was bursting out of my head. It felt so good and when we walked around to find a bit of shade I decided to carry on walking around barefoot.

Walking along the path was a tad hot on the bottoms of my feet and I didn’t feel the energies as strong. Once we got onto the grass I could feel all the earths energies again and I felt the same, peaceful, calm and just in the moment. I’m definitely going to walk outside barefoot more often, to be more in touch with earth and myself.

I feel good, I’ve not felt like this for a long time. It’s partly down to starting testosterone (see previous blog post) but its also down to walking this spiritual path I’m on. Sometimes I wonder off the path a bit and that’s ok as sometimes life gets in the way a bit. I manage to come back onto the right path and walk towards the light and what feels right.

Here are some pictures from last night and today’s walk by the sea

 

I’m loving my spiritual journey, I’m learning more about myself, others and the world around me. I’m learning where I fit in and how I can  be of service to the world.

I better get some sleep as its pushing midnight here in the UK.

Peace out

Batman

Health update – New Med Regime – So far So Good

I haven’t posted for a while in detail about my  health issues and transition, so as I am sitting at the laptop downloading pictures and stuff I thought I would write about what’s been going on in a bit more detail.

In January I finally had my first appointment with my new Rheumatologist in Southampton hospital and it went really well and he was super nice. I saw him again on 2nd March, which was also my birthday lol. He started me on a new med called Mycophenolate 500mgs twice a day. It’s going ok so far, it’s caused a bit of insomnia but I am hoping that will sort itself out. I got back in 4 months time, which is good. I also got to have monthly bloods again now I am back on an immunosuppressant drug, which I’m used too having been on Methotrexate.

This week I saw my new ENT doc at Southampton and he gave me Neil med Sinus rinse, Flixonase nose drops and a 8 week course of Doxycycline to try and get on top of this sinus infection, before we talk about any surgical intervention. Which I understand, he’s got protocols to follow. I really hope this all works out and we don’t have to go down the surgical route. I got a follow up in June.

Mental health stuff is going ok-ish, just still struggling with dissociation, depersonalisation and derealisation. But I am finding that taking pics and posting on social media is helping me stay in the moment. Also I am finding things to do to keep me busy to help keep me in the moment, like playing on the PS4, Lego, playing with the dogs, arts and crafts etc I am really trying my best so I don’t have to go back to the CMHT.

On Thursday I saw the Endocrinologist at the gender identity clinic in London and he said my health issues and medication will not interfere with my medical transition, especially starting Testosterone. Which is absolutely amazing news, so so happy about that. The only thing he did say is that I’m overweight..yup already knew that lol! but he did also say that my last blood results said that my cholesterol was a bit high, so before starting T I’ve got to get my weight down otherwise I will be more at risk of a heart attack. Which is fine, I know I need to lose weight, I’m not happy with my weight as is it right now. My next appointment isn’t until June but I’ve been put on the cancellation list, fingers crossed it will be sooner. My next appointment will be hopefully where I get the yes to start T, so its all super exciting.

So yeah everything is pretty much going ok, I’m happy with my new med regime and I really hope it improves my health.

Peace out

Batman

 

Happy, content and refreshed

The mid week slump was much needed, I was totally wiped out by Wednesday afternoon and I had to stop everything I was doing and just sleep. I think that this in part has helped with my mood, I feel good, happy and refreshed. It feels nice but a bit weird, just trying to hold onto it and not look to destroy it.

We had a really nice sunny day on Thursday, wow I felt great! So energised and happy. Even my neighbour said I look really refreshed.

It was the first day of wearing my sports bra all day and that also contributed to my good mood. It hurt like hell at the end of the day, my ribs an back ached so so much! But it was worth it, I felt great! I’m not going to wear it all day every day, will have to build up to it. Plus as its cold I can get away with wearing hoodies so my chest looks less noticeable.

Group was good on Thursday, M and I agreed that I could use the group as I did before, whilst also being a volunteer. Which is great because I get to help but also continue getting support, its a good balance.

M dropped me home, which cut loads of time of my usual journey. I got home, threw my bag on the floor, peed and grabbed the dogs and went for a walk down Baiter. It was so nice and the pups loved it, we caught the sunset which was so beautiful ❤

I was glad to have dinner already made, I just had to heat it up. I was achy and tired after walking the pups but I felt happy, I love being out with them and it was definitely worth the pain! I then played Lego Jurassic world for the rest of the evening. I’m cutting down the amount of time I spend online, just because I see so much crap on social media and it does have a negative effect on me. Plus playing my games or doing Lego feels much more productive and it makes me feel loads better then surfing the web all night.

Friday M and I went to the Weymouth group, the group met for lunch before hand and it was really nice. I couldn’t eat my lunch any quicker lol, it was so yum! The session itself went well, I really enjoy this group. M and I had quite a deep chat on the way home, which is unusual for us, it’s usually quite light and funny. But it was good though and very much appreciated.

I got in and took the dogs straight across the road for a run, I met my sister in law to pick up Leo for a few hours. They both needed a few hours without a screaming child lol…so I got him! He was tired and teething, after he played with scrappy for a bit I managed to get him off to sleep in his pushchair for an hour, so I could eat and relax.

I ate loads today, I had 3 crumpets and 2 pancakes for breakfast, I had a jacket potato for lunch, then biscuits and I had more crumpets and pancakes for dinner. Its the first day in so long that I’ve felt really hungry and have snacked between meals and I ate without even thinking about it and without it being such a huge stress.

After they picked up my lil chubs and robbed all my sweets lol! As they always do when they come over, but I hide the good stuff!! I played Lego Jurassic world for a few hours, I got sucked into and away from my head. I love it so much 🙂 makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. I’ve never completed a game 100% before, so I’m already half way through now 53% 🙂

I got to bed and sleep just after 1 am I think. I woke up at 9 am, had breakfast and went back to sleep until midday 🙂 I felt nice and refreshed, ready for another day.

Did the housework, had a shower and got dressed. Not wearing my sports bra today though, my chest bones are still recovering from wearing it all day Thursday.

Took the pups across the road for a run and wee, before walking through to high street to the bus stop. Its a Saturday so it will be busy and the last thing I need is for them to stop and poop in the street lol! Because they are small people don’t see them, I don’t like walking through the high street on a Saturday let alone with the dogs.

I took the pups to their vets appointment, just for flea treatment but I prefer to have an appointment so I remember when they are due what treatment. Mr Scrappy has put on 200gs, he’s now 6.7kgs! She said he should maximum weight now as he’s nearly 2 years old and should be finished growing. She’s happy that they are both happy and healthy and that now for a while Foxy has been maintaining her weight, rather it then dropping up and down all the time. I think a better quality of food has helped so much with her in so many aspects 🙂

I got home and chilled out for a bit, I then sat and played Lego Jurassic world for a bit, going round collecting more Amber and gold bricks. Had myself some dinner, I had gammon that I’d made on a previous night, which was nice.

I spent some time making some cakes and cheese biscuits, which I always enjoy. I’m going to my brothers for dinner tomorrow, so will take some of each with me.

Spent the rest of the evening catching up on online, social media stuff and writing my blog of course.

How do I feel right now? I feel happy, content and refreshed. I can’t put my finger on why, its probably to do with a few things. But I’m not going to analyse it, I’m just going to enjoy it and hope it lasts.

Here are some pictures from the last few days.

 Pups loved their walk on Thursday and didn’t want to go home.

 Foxy taking in her surroundings ❤ she looks so peaceful and happy

 Typical pose for my boy, willing that ball to move lol.

 Foxy in her pjs, chowing down on treats 🙂

 My gorgeous boy didn’t want me to leave him.

 The view from the room for out Weymouth LGBT mental health group.

 Eating the last cookie, whilst waiting for M to pee before we left. I was feeling pretty goofy 🙂

 Pups all ready for bed, they are such lil posers.

 Marley moo loves sleeping in bed with me

 Harley checking out what everyone was doing.

 Home made cakes are the best!

 Home made cheese biscuits are the best!

 The pups waiting for anything to drop on the floor lol

 Harley checking out what’s going on as usual.

That’s it for now, will be around again soon.

Peace out

Batman

Moody Monday

It’s just gone 11 pm here and for some reason my face is really itchy and a bit red. Maybe my skin is reacting to being out in the cold then back in the warm…I’ll use my face wash tomorrow that helps reduce redness, see if that helps. Trying not it itch but its really hard!

I was in bed by this time last night because I was so tired. But I’ve been in such a foul mood this evening, I’ve deleted more friends off my facebook and unliked a load of pages etc too. Such a grumpy cunt lol. But to be fair I deleted more people that I don’t really talk to and I’m not really interested in trying to maintain a friendship. I don’t care if I don’t have over 1000 friends…I don’t want to be facebook famous like some people. I don’t want people that I don’t really care about knowing my business and people passing judgement etc. So I took care of it. I really use facebook in much as the same way as my blog. I use it to remember what I got up too, who with, somewhere to show my photo’s…Really I use it as a time line of my life, that I get to share with people I care about. We all have different reasons we use different social media and that’s mine.

Miss Marley moo is a pain in the ass in the morning! She keeps making the bedroom door bang, it sounds like she’s throwing herself at it…She woke me up at 5:30 am! Yeah I was NOT impressed, so I shut the lounge door so she couldn’t get to the bedroom door. Think I’ll be doing that from now on, I love her very much BUT not that early in the morning.

Woke up again at 8:30 am….but more reasonable I suppose. But it was freaking cold this morning -5 degree’s! I did feel up to getting ready and going out early, but like fuck was I going out in that cold. So I snuggled up on the sofa with the pups, watching cartoons and eating the last of my lucky charms…BOO! lol. I then fell back to sleep until 10:30 am.

I sat on the sofa for a bit, chilled out watching tv. Had a couple of jammie dodgers and Pepsi.

Eventually got my butt off the sofa, got showered, dressed, got my backpack ready and the pups ready and I think we left at just gone midday.

We got the the heath at about 12:40 pm. Once I figured out how to open the bloody gate lol and actually got onto the heath, I let the pups off the lead and scrappy darted off as he does, ran around like he never gets taken out lol and foxy was trotting along, probably thinking why I’ve dragged her out again poor girl. But once we got walking she enjoyed it and was soon chasing after scrappy. I tried to pick a path where the hills weren’t too steep and where I didn’t go too far off track, as I have to find my way back lol! I found a good route that went right up the hill, but was an easy-ish walk. Felt great once I got to the top, like I had climbed up my own little mountain. Walked along a little and found a path that went back down and I went back down to the track I walked up and did and down again. Wanted to give myself and the pups a decent walk.

Totally exhausted after our walk, it hurt, made my wheezy. But watching the pups run about having fun made it all worth while, plus it did make me feel good.

Omg its taken an hour and a half to get this far…gah! I am struggling tonight.

Got home just before 3 pm, dumped my stuff down and the pups went straight to eat and drink bless them. Thirsty hungry work all this walking business. I put a jumper on and did myself some microwave chips, a nice cold can of Pepsi and Jeremy Kyle on tv. Bliss! Just relaxed, recovering from the walk.

Sat and read for over an hour, I like this book. Although it can be hard going because of the content. It a Torey Hayden book and yeah I think that had a slight effect of tonight’s mood.

Did myself dinner, but the bloody grill kept going on and off…so took a bit longer to cook my steak, that fucking annoyed me. But I really enjoyed it when it was eventually cooked lol.

Then that started my mind thinking over and over and over and about how let down I feel by some people, how annoyed I felt by others actions..and it just snowballed from there…and I felt really fucking angry, frustrated, depressed and whatever else that all comes with.

I then went on my fb cull! and I’ve been trying to sit and think about everything rationally and trying to stop making everything bigger then it is.

Managed to stop stressing as much, mood is feeling ok. Not depressed or angry. Just ok and I’m ok with that feeling. I knew the journey of coming off the quetiapine wasn’t going to be a bed of roses, but I am keeping on top of things.

God I am SO FUCKING ITCHY! Just on my face…I do feel a bit itchy in other places but I’m not scratching like I am at my face..grr need to stop!

Need to sort out my pill box, take the pups out and get ready for bed…

Plan for tomorrow…I think I might give myself a break from walking and go and see Big Hero 6.

Peace out

Batman