Inner monologue

I wrote this early hours of this morning and thought I’d share the sort of stuff that runs through my brain.

Inner monologue

Body needs to rest but my brain needs that’s physical stimulation which is maybe where/when/why I get so agitated and frustrated as I’m not physically working moving enough and my brain needs that stimulation/sensation in order to be able to focus and function better

But obviously having a chronic illness rest time is hugely important and essential to keep my body well.

My brain is also easily overstimulated which can either leave me feeling drained and overwhelmed or hyper and unable to sleep or settle down.

It’s been such a great journey learning more about myself and how my brain is working and connecting those dots.

Pretty much everything I write isn’t based in science, just my own personal experience, discovery and exploration of myself and how I work and function, which is fascinating.

I’m heading towards 35 and I’m finally figuring myself out, in a way I’ve never really looked at before.

When I have counselling before it’s was always based around dealing with the situations I was currently dealing with like self harm and depression. I never really delved into my past and never really spoke about the why, why I am the I am, what’s making me tick.

This round of counselling, I mean yeah I was struggling big time with anxiety and depression. But I feel like I’ve been way more open with my current counsellor, I’ve delved deeper than just surface stuff and I’ve been given the space and opportunity to look at things completely differently and it’s been super fascinating and now when I’ll just get random thoughts much like how this post started from a light bulb moment I suppose and I’ve just been writing and writing and a lot of my scribbles don’t make it into a blog but I’ve got so many notes all over the place I will type them up and turn them into some kind of order as I think it’s such an important part of the process and journey of rediscovering who I am outside of friendships and relationships and outside of my transition.

I don’t think I’ve ever really known who I am and where I fit. But I’m slowly learning and discovering more about myself and it’s exciting.

I’m starting to like me and who I am, what I represent and what I can contribute to this life.

I’ve always felt like a lost soul, just kinda floating around, not really fitting in or not even really needed.

I’m started to feel more grounded in my body, in my mind and in my soul, the essence of who I am and why I’m here. Feels super weird but also pretty cool.

My sessions end this month and I’m feeling pretty confident that I can continue this journey myself. Just gotta keep writing out all these thoughts in my head and continue to listen to myself and the different aspects that make up me and make sure all needs are met where possible so I can continue to be the best version of me.

I did write another note of stuff I was thinking about last night but I will post that separately as its pretty long.

Also reading this back I have little recollection of writing this, I knew I wrote it but I was so in the moment and everything was just flowing, which I think the real me is able to come into power and be at my most raw and vulnerable.

Peace out

Zak

Grumpy c**t *sorry*

It’s my trans group again tonight, which is why I am updating early. I may write again later, will see how I feel.

So yeah yesterday….my mood was incredibly low and I wasn’t particularly articulate, because of the low mood. And yeah my attitude to people who were being nice was horrible, but I don’t need people trying to fix it or be nice or whatever, I just need to be left to it.

I was in bed and asleep be 9:30 pm because I couldn’t cry any more and I just couldn’t deal any more.

Been up since 8:30 am, but haven’t napped. I had a good 11 hours sleep last night, but I think I definitely needed it.

Haven’t done anything today, apart from sit on my ass, get a shower, get dressed and take the rubbish out. I’ll take the pups out soon. Spent a while clearing stuff off my phone, as the memory was totally full.

I have an appointment in the morning to see the hand specialist and get my metal splint fitted. I’m going to ask questions about all my other issues I have with that hand and wrist and maybe they can help. Because I have a trapped nerve and I am prone to tendonitis as well.

I have also spoken to my GPA specialist, well his secretary and we had a lil chat. I told her about everything I’ve been going through recently. And she said she’ll pass the message on and see what he thinks. She shortly rang me back to say that I have an appointment at the end of March, but she said if she can get one that’s a bit sooner.

Oh man typing with a fractured finger is so painful! But I NEED to get everything out.

So the mood thing…birthday thing. GAH! My mood is a little better today, feeling less depressed but still a bit grumpy. I’m going down on my quetiapine today, from 150mgs to 100mgs. So this maybe have a small effect on my mood but its not the cause.

The birthday thing…I am pushing people away on purpose and I am big enough to admit that. It’s not something I am proud of but its my way of protecting myself. In the past my birthday’s haven’t been great. My last adult birthday when my dad threw me a party only a few people bothered coming, this devastated me. Since then I’ve not really been a fan on birthdays and since then its been down to me to sort it out. With everything I go through just for once I really want someone to take control and I don’t know make a fuss. I see other people going out and having a great time for their birthdays, yes past birthdays have been good, but I feel that if I hadn’t sorted something out, no one else would have. I just feel incredibly let down by everyone around me and YES I more then understand that people are busy have their own shit going on, but it doesn’t take 2 seconds to text and check I’m ok, seriously one single text would make all the difference to my mood. I know people care, but because I don’t feel like people haven’t shown it to me, through lack of contact or whatever. I feel alone, totally alone and isolated. I feel like not one single soul in the entire world gives a shit. When I am ok physically and mentally I bend over backwards to help all my friends, make sure they are ok, even if its just a text. There are certain people I think of every day and text on a regular basis just to check in and hoping they are ok. My expectations of my friends maybe are too high…..maybe I just need to try and be happy with what I have..

I am tired, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Every ounce of my being is fed up, I feel broken. I want a break, from fighting my mind and body, I want a break from just dealing with day to day adult life. Just even for a day. I need a break. But I can’t get one.

So whoever of my friends is reading this I do apologise for being a grumpy cunt. But I also hope you’ve taken in what I’ve actually said. It comes straight from the soul as does all my blogs..

Another birthday celebrated without my best friend…my daddy. Man I miss him so freaking much. I miss being able to call him up and bitch and moan about everything. I know he’d make the effort to come see me even though he lived far away. I knew my dad truly loved me. I miss him making me laugh to cheer me up. He’d do anything for me and he knew I was there just the same for him. I hope he is proud of me 😥 I miss him every second of every day. Sometimes I wish I was with him. But I know I have to live life for the both of us. He may have been my dad but he was my soul mate, we were so alike. He just understood and got me. No one else in the family I have that same bond with. I miss him so much.

Writing through tears again. But I gotta sort out pups, my pill box and dinner before I go out tonight. As I said I’m sorry for being a pain, but my soul is in pain.

Peace out

Batman

We had snow! Yay! :)

Starting this a bit earlier this evening. I want to be in bed before midnight…that’s the plan anyway.

I didn’t manage to get to bed until 2:30 am an it had started to snow 🙂 Eeek I was so excited, but really tired lol, so didn’t take long to fall asleep.

Woke up at 9 am and totally forgotten that I’d seen it start to snow lol! I was still a bit sleepy and I let scrappy out for a pee, then I had the sudden realisation that OMG IT SNOWED! WOOHOO! It wasn’t a huge amount at all, but still exciting.

I was too excited to remember to eat lol, so I quickly got showered and dressed and took the pups across the road to show them the snow. I knew the snow wouldn’t last all day, so I wanted to make the most of it. First thing scrappy did was to lick it lol! I was throwing snowballs at him and he was SO confused! he was expecting to catch it I think..hehe, he was looking for it, so sweet and so funny. Foxy however wasn’t so impressed as it was cold and wet an she just wanted to be a home hehe, but with some encouragement she was soon chasing scrappy boy about.

I was out with the pups for as long as I could stand, it was pretty chilly even though I was all wrapped up and poor foxy needed to get into the warm too.

Decided I needed to treat myself today and I went to go see Big Hero 6 in 3D, I had a complimentary ticket to use 🙂 got myself some popcorn and Pepsi and went and sat down. I was the only person in there hehe, I think it was because it was a 12 pm showing at its a kids film. But fuck it, loved every min of it. Such a great film, the usual Disney tear jerker moments too lol.

After the film, I went to the shop and got myself some lucky charms as a treat. I a little bit ate my two boxes in a week 😀 but whatever I’ve still lost weight. Got the bus home and yeah the snow had all gone..its meant to snow more this week. Went to the sweet shop to see how S and her big bubba bump is doing, ended up chatting for a while. I went into another shop and got scrappy a new indoor ball, as I popped his by accident :/ but now he has a nice shiny new one.

Got home and no pee or poop! Woohoo, not much mess either as I’d put everything up out of his way. However he had pulled more fluff out of his bloody bed, so I’ve decided to throw it! He’s destroyed it lol. Pups were so excited to see me hehe, love their little faces. I got them ready and took them out for a quick wee and run, the temp is dropping and it was starting to get cold, I was really starting to feel it.

I threw scrappy’s ball away..the one I popped. His face was great! As if to say why are you throwing that away 😦 he was so sad haha. Then gave him his new ball and he was SO happy, started bouncing about. So we played a little. To see him go from looking sad to looking so so happy was so sweet, he’s so full of character, so full of soul. He’s amazing. My poor little fox was shivering, the flat was a bit chilly. So I snuggled her up in her blanket and she soon settled and went to sleep, she’s such a gentle soul, so sensitive, so sweet. Makes my heart melt. I couldn’t imagine life without them. I miss them when I go out for a few hours lol.

Just relaxed on the sofa for a bit, warmed up…well tried. My mind was busy…I was thinking of what needed to be done, in what order I need to do it, what I’m doing tomorrow etc…went into overdrive. In the end I got up and started cleaning up, first I started in the bedroom, stripped the bed and put on new sheets, got out new pjs and tidied up the bottom of my wardrobe….as things just end up on the floor in there lol! So my bedroom is all nice and ready for bed time 🙂 Oh and sprayed my lavender bedtime spray all over my bed, eeek can’t wait for bed now. Cleaned up the kitchen, did 2 loads of laundry, cleaned up the lounge, sorted out the litter box…yeah BOOM! sorted. Oh and in between doing all that I made some pasta and mixed it with mayo, tuna and sweetcorn and had a bit of that for dinner.

Been chilling this evening, literally! It’s cold in here lol. Face is still red, blotchy and itchy..so annoying. Booked a gp app for Fri morning, to sort out getting slow release tramadol and if my face is still itching…and to see if there is another contraceptive pill I can take that won’t give me migraines.

Plan for tonight…well its now 11 pm, so after I’ve published today’s mega exciting blog, I am going to take the pups for a wee, come back and have a nice fresh shower before getting into fresh pjs and bed sheets. Ah best way.

My plan for tomorrow…I don’t have one as of yet. Depends on my mood, weather etc. So we’ll see how it turns out.

My mood has crashed this evening 😦 Not sure why…….but hey I gotta deal and roll with it. Need to try and relax and stop being so hyper aware of my mood, just the slightest mood change and I’m freaking…mindful…mindful…relax!

Snow pictures from this morning

Peace out

Batman

Dark passenger surfaces!

I have spent a considerable amount of time just staring blankly into the screen in hope I will be inspired..In hope my brain will make some sort of sense of today. Also been busy listening to Sia, totally obsessed with Chandelier and Breathe me. Finding it hard to concentrate tonight, keep flitting about the flat but not actually doing anything in particular..It’s just one of those days…

Yesterday my dark passenger decided it had been a while, so it came to say not to forget it was still about. Grrr, just as I think I am over the worst of my addiction. It pops its head up just to make sure I never fucking forget! BASTARD can just do one now. It was not too intense and pretty short lived. But I did however find myself trying to justify reasons to cut…and I ended up arguing with myself about it. On one had one side was saying, well one small cut just along your thumb won’t notice, it won’t matter…That argument got me really thinking…well would it matter if it was just one small cut?? No one had to know…Ok its triggering just writing this, but I need too. So yeah one small cut along my thumb, could pass it off as a cooking accident or whatever..I knew deep down it would still be real and yes it would bloody matter! and I’d be back to square one. I couldn’t do it then carry on saying I was so many months free because I would have totally cheated myself. I tried very hard to ignore the part of me that was trying to rationalise it and making it ok. But deep in my soul I knew I didn’t want to cheat myself, I do not want to go back to square one. I do not want to fail myself. I’ve come WAY too far. Dark passenger I know you are there. I will never become to that thinking again. I know you will forever be my addiction. I know I will never truly be free from you. I fucking hate that you will never be gone. But you know what you will never fucking beat me and you will never have control of my life like you did 8 years ago! You were nasty and you were strong. But the tables have turned my old friend. I am strong now! Never forget your place. I am the master of you. I am on control. Yes you will always be with me. But you will never be me. Not again. Know your place dark passenger! Maybe in the future we can part ways forever. But for now it is what it is……

So yeah that was last night and then I decided to go to bed. I think I was in bed just gone 11 pm…Now the only trouble of going to bed that early is that I have been falling asleep pretty quickly and sleeping on average about 8 hours, which apparently is what happens for normal people….wow. Yeah…I woke up at 7:30 am! I didn’t need to be up, nor really did I want to be up that early. Because it means more hours of the day that I have to deal with. GAH! However I’d woken up with a really bad headache, not sure if it would turn into a migraine or not. So I dosed up on my sumatriptan and did the very sensible thing of eating two bowls….small bowls may I add though. Of Chocolate lucky charms, I just cannot get enough of them! They are just so yummy. I then snuggled up on the sofa with the pups and Marley moo cat came and sat on my back lol and we had a lil nap till just before 10 am.

I would like to say I bounced up feeling better and ready to face the day ahead…yeah truth being, my head was still hurting a bit. So I took more pain killers, I had another bowl of chocolate lucky charms…well helps me get through lol 😀 It does honestly. Sat about a bit more…looked at the time and thought I’d better throw myself into the shower and get myself looking half decent, it takes a while. I was taking my time in the shower….I think last night was still playing on my mind. Have to be on alert again. That takes a lot of energy I don’t have….But still must press on and try and get through each day.

I had scrappy following me about most of the morning with his favourite ball in his mouth lol. Sorry boy no time for games today :/ But I took them across the road for a wee and a run. Scrappy kept picking up stones and throwing them about. Foxy wasn’t happy about being dragged out, so I had to keep encouraging her to keep going and chase scrappy etc. We got in and I had a little time to kill, so I sorted my bag out and played fetch with scrappy for a bit.

Headphones in, music on, bag on back, cap on, hood up, keys, wallet! Boom ready. Off I go to group. I love sitting on the bus just getting lost in my music.

Group was good. Hard going in some parts but I stuck with it. Some weeks do feel frustrated as I don’t feel I get as much out of it as I want too, sometimes I want to walk out because I get bored when I have to listen for a long time. But people listen to be blab on lol so that would be rude to leave. Just have to learn to sit with things. I try and be present too and not zone out but that’s also hard. Sitting still and being quiet is hard…I just feel itchy like I need to move. I’m getting better because I had to be still at lot at group for DBT. But its still an uncomfortable feeling for me. When I write my blog it takes me a long time and its not always written in one go. Most of the time I am up and down, fiddling about with various things…yeah being still isn’t one of my strengths, either is being quiet for long periods. I can almost feel is all bubbling up inside like I’m going to explode lol! Some weeks I can deal with it better then others. I think this week has been such a mixed bag and I’ve not really expressed myself well in my blogs lately. It’s just been day to day what I’m doing. I need to get more involved in writing the emotional side of my life. But sometimes that’s hard when I’ve had a bad pain day because I am just exhausted in so many ways..anyway I digress. Right yes group was good. Got a lot out of it. 🙂

Home and scrappy hasn’t destroyed anything! Yay nor has he peed or pooped anywhere. Woohoo! Slowly getting there.

I got them ready and took them straight out for a run. Scrappy needed to burn off energy and they both needed to pee and poop. It was bloody freezing! But I tried to say out for about 15 mins. But coming home to a warm flat makes it better.

Got my dinner sorted as time was getting on and I was hungry. Dinner was good, ate it all and pups and the cat had  some chicken too 🙂

So this evening how has it been spent…well it started off with being wrapped up as it was cold tonight. I currently sit here in my pj top, socks and boxers lol! I got hot…what can I say, I am starting to get cold now.

Wow its 1:20 am! How the hell did that happen…I started writing nearly 2 hours ago. Well they say that good work takes time 😉

Ooooh I nearly bloody forgot something important that has had my lil cogs ticking and I’ve spent time looking things up. So I was talking to M who runs group, I think I was talking about finding reading things overwhelming like official things, paper work etc. And the topic of dyslexia came up…may I just say that’s a stupid fucking word for people who can’t spell etc. She noticed that when I fill in forms I can’t write in a straight line. I’ve NEVER been able too. I always put that down to being left handed. I got LOTS of negative things from teachers at school about my hand writing and its because I’m left handed etc. But M said she does the same, can’t write in a straight line because she’s dyslexic too. So all evening I’ve been thinking about how I read and write, I’ve looked up about it as well and I did a free test online YES I KNOW ITS NOT OFFICIAL! But a lot of the symptoms and what people who are dyslexic do and yeah its makes sense as to why writing my blog takes so long, why my concentration is so poor. I re-word a sentence a few times until I am sure it will make sense to others and not just myself lol and some words even small words takes me a few goes to get the letters in the right order..it all kind of makes sense now. So I am not just getting stupid. I think I’ve got away with it because I’m not stupid…I was able to keep up. Plus I missed lots of school because of my health, so I probably slipped through the cracks. But yeah it makes a lot of sense. Another one to add to my ever growing list of issues! I’m not going to pursue getting an official diagnosis…well I don’t think there would be a real point in it. I don’t really want an official label. It’s just good to make sense of me.

Wow long blog today! I need to get this body to bed soon. Everything is starting to hurt, I need to rest my mind and body 🙂

Peace out

Batman