Toxic positivity

What is toxic positivity? Well its this

Its something I experience a lot from others but also I do it myself. I invalidate my own feelings, mainly because I get sick to death of feeling so shit all the time, I just try and fake it till I make it, but that’s such a bad thing. As it doesn’t acknowledge or validate your situation and feelings and without that validation then how you feel will often last longer as your not being true to yourself.

It’s also something that I have really noticed recently in the spiritual/new age community and its not cool. Over the last few months I’ve felt increasingly like I don’t belong in the spiritual community because I’m not as knowledgeable, I’m not spiritual enough, I’m too depressed etc the list goes on. No matter what religion/community you belong too, it shouldn’t make you feel like an outsider. It should be a place of love and unity but its not and I’ve found that it’s just full of fakes, who say one thing but who’s actions are the complete opposite of what they speak and I’m not ok with that. That’s not the type of people I want to be associated with, so I decided to leave every facebook page and group I belonged to and remove most people from that community off my facebook.

I was sick of seeing the streams and streams and positive shit, I mean I love my quotes and stuff but it got to the point where seeing all this stuff was making me feel more worthless then I already do because everyone in these groups makes living life and being happy seem so fucking simple, its like they all know this secret to a happy life but aren’t allowed to tell me, I’ve just got to put up with seeing the fake stuff, oh just meditate and you’ll be happy, connect to your higher self and you’ll have all these special gifts… and yeah it all feels so unobtainable to someone like me, who’s on my own and I don’t have anyone to guide me or teach me.

It was just all getting to be really overwhelming and then its like all of a sudden I saw just how self centred and fake everyone is because life isn’t fucking perfect no matter how spiritual you are because your still here living the human experience. I often feel that there’s a sense of superiority within the community, because they have all these gifts and whatever that they are better then everyone.

This is all just how I feel and it could well be a reflection of how I’m feeling in general right now, but no one’s noticed I’ve left or removed them of my facebook, so kinda makes my point really. Community is meant to care for everyone not some.

I’ve also had a lot of toxic positivity from friends who will over generalise whatever I say by saying oh well everyone is struggling right now, everyone is in the same situation. Which while yes its true, that doesn’t make me feel good and I struggle to open up to people and be vulnerable and tell people the truth about how I feel. I very rarely express how I really feel because I don’t easily trust people’s words, I often don’t feel safe enough to be honest and the times I have been honest I either get one of 2 reactions. I either get invalidated and they’ll talk in general or the person will over react and in doing that then makes it about them. So either way I often left feeling invalidated, so my automatic response is usually I’m good thanks as it doesn’t invite any more questions. Also I find people want to fix it for you, they listen to reply, they listen to help and that’s not always helpful either. Being heard by someone can make you feel 10 times better then any advice as often all I want it be heard, acknowledged and validated and sometimes that’s all anyone needs.

I know I am a rescuer type personality and its something I have become very aware of over the last few years and its really hard walking away from people but constantly rescuing something is draining. But its so hard not to rescue people, not go above and beyond to help people just to make myself feel better, to make myself feel useful and worthy. But I can’t rescue the world when I can barely rescue myself.

I’m not completely sworn off spirituality despite the situation I find myself in, I still have my spiritual beliefs and I will still be open to learning more. I just don’t want to be stuck in a box or community, I want to explore what’s out there. I will always try to be one with earth and the universe.

Maybe this post has helped you recognise toxic positivity, whether that’s because you’ve experienced it or are guilty of it. Which I think we all are to a degree, non of us are perfect.

Keep being authentic

Peace out

Zak

Feeling the energies of the earth – My Spiritual journey

I am so lucky to live to close to the sea, I feel so at home there and so grounded when I’m by the sea.

Yesterday evening I took the dogs out for a walk, I wasn’t intending to be out for long but we ended up being out for 4 hours. We met a lovely couple and ended up sitting and talking with them for ages, we sat and watched the sun go down. Even though I didn’t know these ladies it was as though we’d all known each other forever.

Sitting by the sea watching the sun go down was so beautiful, I felt so peaceful and calm and just at one with the world. It’s not something I’ve felt for a while, it felt so good just to sit and be. Also the only time I picked up my phone was to take pictures of the sunset, because I was sat chatting with these ladies, I didn’t need to look at my phone and constantly check my social media. It was just what I needed to switch off for a while, I really need to do it more often. I will make it a habit and apart of my daily routine.

Last night was good because I almost felt like I’d been reset, refreshed. I feel like I can take on anything again, I feel like myself again. It feels good.

Today my best friend and I took the dogs down to the water again, which was really nice. Because it was hot I wanted to put fox in the sea to cool her down, she doesn’t like swimming whereas Scrappy just dives straight into the sea. I took my shoes and socks off and walked into the sea with fox in my arms, I went in up to my knees so fox got completely wet and she even had to swim back into shore bless her. I got her little head wet as well, she was not best impressed but it stopped her panting.

I paddled about in the water for a bit, playing fetch with Mr Scrappy. He was going in so far having a good swim, he absolutely loves the sea.

The sea wasn’t cold it felt just right and I could feel all the stones under my feet, usually they hurt my feet but today they didn’t. All I felt was peace and calmness, I felt the energies of the earth flowing the me from my feet upwards and it was bursting out of my head. It felt so good and when we walked around to find a bit of shade I decided to carry on walking around barefoot.

Walking along the path was a tad hot on the bottoms of my feet and I didn’t feel the energies as strong. Once we got onto the grass I could feel all the earths energies again and I felt the same, peaceful, calm and just in the moment. I’m definitely going to walk outside barefoot more often, to be more in touch with earth and myself.

I feel good, I’ve not felt like this for a long time. It’s partly down to starting testosterone (see previous blog post) but its also down to walking this spiritual path I’m on. Sometimes I wonder off the path a bit and that’s ok as sometimes life gets in the way a bit. I manage to come back onto the right path and walk towards the light and what feels right.

Here are some pictures from last night and today’s walk by the sea

 

I’m loving my spiritual journey, I’m learning more about myself, others and the world around me. I’m learning where I fit in and how I can  be of service to the world.

I better get some sleep as its pushing midnight here in the UK.

Peace out

Batman

*NO*TITLE*TO*DO*THIS*JUSTICE*

So today I woke up to a complete nightmare, the Tories remain in power and the poor, ill, disabled are all screwed and you will see the rise of suicide rates over the next five years, there will be cuts to every service I use, I need in order to live. I am very scared for my future. This is the worst it could have gone and it is now a reality, we are fucked. Well done England you have just doomed the poor, ill, disabled, gay and transgeder people. Well fucking done you posh twats!

As you can see I am very passionate and agitated about this situation because it will have a direct effect on my life as it is now, I need to push to get my funding for my transition…I fear if I don’t it might not happen. This hasn’t helped to my already agitated state, I need to do more mindfulness, I need to relax and move forward. I’m going to explore my spiritual side more, I want to connect with the world, nature, people and my inner true self.

Group was good today and I am glad to have the opportunity to give back to others 🙂

Didn’t get home till about 6 pm to my happy puppies, just spent it relaxing and still just reeling from the shock of the election.

Haven’t go any plans for the weekend, I don’t really have any money to do much. I do know I need to rest a little tomorrow as I feel tired and I’ve not been sleeping well recently.

Anyway I gotta do my injection, relax, take pups out and get myself to bed and I’m hoping by doing a lil mindfulness will help me get a more restful nights sleep and not like it has been recently, with waking up all hours of the night, not being able to sleep right away…etc.

Ooh the bib I ordered my nephew came today 🙂 it says, keep calm my uncle is batman 😀 LOVE IT!

Peace out

Batman