A day in the life of a trans guy

Does anyone else just smash the keys until they can think of how to start a blog post?! No.. just me then lol! My brain feel slugish today but still full of things swirling around and around a million miles an hour.

I am due my testosterone shot on the 17th March and holy shit do I know it! A week or two before my shot I turn into such a gremlin! My mood takes a complete nose dive, my anxiety gets sky high and I feel so irritable, like I could hulk out at any moment at the slightest inconvenience. I get so easily angry, when normally I can keep myself together without completely loosing my mind!

I am getting my bloods taken before my shot as I’ve been on Nebido for a year now and for some reason not had the right bloods taken that then endocrinologist needs to see if my levels are right or not. If they’re not then I’ll need my shot more regular then every 12 weeks. I’m hoping they are ok but I’m not sure I should be feeling so shitty and intense before I’m due my shot, so maybe they aren’t quite right. But we’ll see next week to see if the levels are right or not.

My skin also is so bad right now, but tbh its been so bad since my last shot so I’m not sure its related to being due my testosterone. But yeah that’s frustrating me mainly because the spots are pretty sore and seem to just be multiplying. I haven’t had the greatest of diets at the moment, so I know that hasn’t been helping either but really on the list of things it isn’t really high up of priority.

When my mood is this low all I want to do is eat junk and hibernate and that’s pretty much what I’m doing. But it is difficult to distinguish between what is my ‘regular depression’ and what is a mood change because my testosterone levels are low because my shot is due. And if I am being super honest I can’t really remember the last time I felt properly happy and that really sucks to even say but its true. I mean I’ve had small intervals of feeling happy but they’ve been small moments that haven’t really dragged me far out from the darkness.

A lot of this is due to lockdown and being forced to just be in, enforced isolation for such a long period. I’m just totally over it now. It just feels so dark and heavy and seems never ending, like I’m in a tunnel that I can’t run fast enough to find the light again. It’s all just such a big mess of big emotions and I’m just so exhausted with dealing with it all, although some days I just completely shut off, shut down just to recharge a little and have a much needed break from reality.

I am anxious about lockdown lifting as I feel we’ll be back at square one again. Plus my anxiety is just so bad, I’ve never had anxiety about leaving the house and I know that is one thing that is going to be super difficult so get over. Although part of me can’t fucking wait to get out and about again, so I’m not sure how its going to be, just have to wait and see. So much is still so unknown at this point, I don’t know just feels like an eternal nightmare.

So yeah that’s me right now, feeling pretty fragile I suppose. I’m just over it all.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 32 on T

Today would have been T shot day but the docs didn’t have any appointments, so I’m having it done bright and early Thursday morning lol, 8:30am! Urgh, that’s still the middle of the night!! This is why I wanted to do it myself, so I didn’t have to mess around with apps and I can do it on the exact day its due. Even though I know it can be done 5 days before or 7 days after its due, it still gives me anxiety that its not being done on the exact day its due! But I’m weird like that, silly things give me big anxiety. I suppose its about control, its something I need to let go of a bit more and not let little things stress me out so much. A lot of it is because I often don’t feel like I have any power or control, so little things cause big anxiety. Man I sound like a lil weirdo but whatever.

My weeks been busy but its been really good. I’ve finally got rid of my chest infection, it only took just over 3 weeks and I’ve finished my steroids too, which is a relief! Although its been messing up my mood a bit, been feeling a bit emotional today but I think that was a mixture of things. I feel fine now, I had a nice shower and did some EFT (emotional freedom technique) on myself and it made me feel a lot better, much calmer and less emotional then I was, which is always a good thing. I know there’s a calmness inside, I just don’t always feel it. So I’m going to try and tap out all the intense negative emotions as and when they come, hopefully it will help me regain some control and things wont get so intense and overwhelming.

For some reason this week I am super spotty on my chest, neck and back, although I’m pretty spotty in those areas already but these last couple of days, loads of extra bloody spots have popped up lol! Its sooo hard not to squeeze all the ones I can reach, gross I know lol. Some of them are quite sore but I can’t reach them to put any cream or anything on them. Not sure what its all about lol, I’m hoping they calm down as like I said some are really sore, I’ve got a few on my scalp as well, they are a bit itchy and sore too.

My voice is slowly getting there, I’ve noticed today its a bit deeper which is cool, I said something earlier and I was like woah! who said that!! made me chuckle to myself. My T levels are nearly right I think, I speak to my GP Thursday about my levels as my results from the last bloods said they were borderline, not sure what that means, so I’m assuming it means that they aren’t quite high enough. So they may need to tweak the frequency of the T shot again.

My gender dysphoria and disassociation has been mostly ok this week, I’ve been feeling quite relaxed and calm where my body is concerned. But I’ve spent this week looking after myself and my needs, rather then everything else that isn’t really important. Which just proves how much self care is essential to my well-being, its something I struggle to do regularly. It is so noticeable when I stop basic self care, everything just goes off the wall and unmanageable. I’ve been taking a lot of really hot showers and it really helps with the disassociation and I can take 15-20 mins to just be totally in the moment, breathe and relax. It really works for me at the moment, it may not always work and may not work for others but at the moment its working, which is the main thing.

Well its gone midnight now and I better get to bed and I have my friends kids over again tonight and I’ll probably be up around 8:30 am, my mind is pretty awake so I need to wind down a bit before I can go to sleep

 

 

Week 32 on T.JPG

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 7 on T

Well its a week before my 3rd testosterone injection, I can’t believe its come around so quickly, I’ve barely caught up with myself yet. The next injection I will be doing solo, so pretty nervous but excited for next week.

Anyway back to this week, so I’ve just about got over the chest infection I had, although last night I didn’t have much sleep. I was up most of the night in so much pain, to the point I had to get up and take some pain killers. I’ve not had to do that for a long long time, despite that though I’m feeling pretty good within myself.

Because of the painsomnia last night it took a while to get going this morning, but I knew I couldn’t just stay in all day again. I needed to get out and wanted to get out and do something to make myself feel good. So I took the dogs to the beach for an hour and I took some great videos pictures. It felt good to just be out there in the cold sea air, on my own, barely anyone around. It felt nice to just be away from everything and just be in the moment with the dogs, doing what I love at a place that I love.

After the beach I had my flu shot done, because I’m as well as I’m ever going to get, my arm is still achy now. Did a bit of food shopping and paid some rent, got some electric. That also felt good to get stuff done that needed to be done, self care isn’t always buying yourself something, self care is also paying rent, getting food shopping etc.

After all that jazz, I felt pretty good and felt confident so I went on a mass cull on all my social media’s, which took a while to do but, wow did it feel so good. I’ve decided that in order to move on I need to cut things/people/groups out of my life especially if I am no longer benefiting from. That may sound a tad selfish but I need to look after myself and my needs in order for me to be of better service to others. Its good to get rid of dead weight every now and again and it feels really good. I’ll be doing the same thing with my possessions, as I have a habit of holding onto things that are no longer useful. I think as humans we desperately cling to anything and anyone in order to feel safe, but often that means you are stuck at that point and don’t move forward. So I feel this is a necessary step for me to take in order to move my life forward into the next phase.

I would say my mood is pretty good, I feel happy in myself, I feel peaceful, settled and just good. I know I am walking and living my truth and it feels awesome.

I’ve noticed that the hairs on the trunk of my body are getting darker, so from my chest down to the pubes, that’s the only new changes. Been finding more dark hairs on my chin, my upper and lower lip, under my nose. So that’s all really cool and most days I feel like I’ve got a bit of a sore throat, which means my voice is trying to break still. But its all good, still closely examining my face several times a day lol, popping spots, checking for new hairs on my face. Happy with the medical transition so far and just excited for the future.

That’s it really this week, feeling good, continuing to move myself and my life forward.

Here’s this weeks picture

Week 7 on T

Peace out

Batman

Transition update – Week 3 on T

Today is week 3 of being on T and I’m due my next injection next Tuesday.

I am feeling pretty good right now, I feel a peacefulness inside that I haven’t felt before and it feels good. I feel more confident in myself too, like I feel just more myself then ever before and it feels good.

The only new physical changes I have noticed this week is that my chest feels and looks a bit flatter which is cool as I am unable to bind my chest. My chest looks a bit less noticeable, that makes the gender dysphoria a bit easier to deal with. I’ve got tons of spots coming up and I have a huge volcano of a spot on the back of my neck, its a bit sore and I’m trying hard not to pick them all.

Also been super hungry this week, like I just want to eat all the time. However today I haven’t felt as hungry, it does come and go. I have put on a pound or too, that’s partly my fault for eating all the naughty things I’ve been craving and not sticking to the slimming world plan. I need to get re-motivated and get back on eating properly

Anyway only a short one this week because I don’t feel like I have much to say as not much has been going on this week. Plus I really want to have a shower tonight, as I feel super greasy and achy.

 

Last note, always be your true self, be strong, be brave, you totally got this

Week 3 on T

Peace out

Batman

friends, gaming and foxy dog

Um where to start….

Well I got up this morning and just slumped on the sofa for a bit, had breakfast etc. 

Finally got my ass up and cleaned the flat (well Dyllan clean, its not spotless, I just don’t have the energy or desire for it too clean) Had a shower, got dressed and took fox for a wee.

Went to meet my friend L and the boys 🙂 We had a good morning, looking about the shops, chatting etc We did stop for lunch. They headed back home at 2 pm.

I then went to a shop to get some stuff for my spots, they are so bad atm and I have never really suffered with spots, even through my teenage years, so pretty pissed off about it. If the new face scrub and that I got doesn’t do the trick I’ll see my doc as it could be a WG thing.

Tried to have a little snooze this afternoon, but I had a fox and a gizmo bouncing about over me lol! So only managed to rest. 

I went to the shop to get a film that was meant to be good, but it wasn’t that great. 

Had some dinner and made myself eat it all. 

Played for 3 hours on Batman Arkham Asylum 🙂 so awesome.

It’s 11:45 pm here now, so just going to finish this up and the plan is to take fox for a wee, come back have a shower using my mindful skills 🙂 use my new face stuff to see if it helps. Get a good nights sleep, then pick up Albert in the afternoon 🙂 BOOM! 

OMG my friend drew me a pic of fox for mum’s bday, my friend draws for a living and I think she done a pretty awesome job 🙂 If you like the pic of fox then please ask me about details my friend and maybe you could get a pet portrait, she will send it to anywhere.

 Foxy’s portrait 

I feel like I am coming down with something again….just not feeling amazing. 

Peace out

Tank girl