Gratitude Journal

Trying to remain grateful and trying to remain positive has been hard, but I’m still trying and I’m doing my best to keep going.

I have been doing a mantra meditation course on an app called Oak – Meditation and breathing. Its a really good app and its actually been nice to have moments of peace and restfulness during these meditations. I’ve been trying my best to make time each day. I don’t know why I find it so boring, just the thought of meditation makes me feel like its pointless and a waste of time, but right now I’m not doing much else right now and meditation is just like sleeping or breathing, its necessary to find that inner calm, that inner peace to get through the day.

I feel like there’s a lot of pressure to be super productive during this lockdown, which is adding unnecessary pressure, stress and anxiety, to an already stressful situation. I’m trying not to feel guilty about not doing anything and just sitting around. Some days I am productive and get things done but it ebbs and flows and I’m trying my best just to chill and go with it, without judgement and guilt.

Its a strange situation we find ourselves in, we’re all trying to navigate our way through it. There is no right way to get through this epidemic, some people will be super productive, some wont, some will get into fitness, some wont, some will be chill and cherish this time, some will really struggle. But whatever you do, however you get through this, we’ve got a worldwide connection, we’re all going through the same thing. We’ll get through this as a collective, keep loving and supporting one and other.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update

I don’t when I last posted an update about my transition stuff, but I have exciting news 😁

I am now 21 months on testosterone, my two years on T will be 22nd August. Everything with T is going well, I do my own shots now every 3 weeks, which is cool.

I got a letter the other day about arranging my first appointment at Harley Street to talk about lower surgery, which is super exciting! I’m just waiting waiting for them to call me to discuss a first appointment.

I got a call on Friday from Plymouth hospital and I booked in for top surgery! I have an initial appointment 1st August and my operation will be 20th August!

It’s only 3 months away! I’m super excited, I don’t think it’s quite sunk in yet. This means everything to me, it will be my freedom!

It’s scary and exciting but it’s absolutely everything. I’ll finally feel like me, hopefully I’ll feel more confident and less self conscious and maybe it will help my low self esteem.

I can’t really express how much this means to me. I can’t believe I’ve got a date! It’s insane, I mean I was waiting for a date but it somehow still felt so out of reach.

I can’t wait for the relief, my chest gives me the most dysphoria and causes me the most stress and anxiety. I feel emotional just thinking about it and how life changing it will be. I really can’t wait.

Peace out

Zak

*Insert*Title*Here*

I don’t often write in between my weekly transition blogs, but I feel like I needed to write today, I got things I just need to get out and maybe it will help me make sense of everything.

It’s probably gonna come out a bit all over the place and scattered, but that’s how my brain is feeling at the moment. It probably won’t be strictly transition related but a bit of everything that happening in my life at the moment, so transition, physical health, mental health, family etc…

I can’t even remember the last time I just wrote a regular blog entry, must have been a while ago now.

I literally don’t know where to even start… Ok I’ll start with the good stuff going on, so I can get into the flow of things and unpick my brain as I go along.

My name change is all official now, which is really awesome and feels so good. I am now legally Mr Zak Dyllan Mills! Woohoo! I’ve already changed it at the bank and the doctors and I’ve written some letters too, they just need posting. It just feels really right and just the next part of my transition, I feel much more like me now. Which probably sounds weird as its just a name but for me a name is quite an important part of my identity and how the world views me and how I view myself. So yeah feeling pretty awesome about that.

Last Sunday my new little nephew Alex came into the world, weighing in at 9lbs 3! the lil fatty lol but he’s so damn cute. I already had cuddles on Tuesday with him, he was just so content just laying on my lap fast asleep, he’s so chill. Proud uncle to 3 nephews, which is insane! the eldest will be 9 this year, its just flown by so fast. I absolutely adore all of them.

Physical health hasn’t really been too great this year, I’ve had infection after infection. Over the new years I kept getting nose bleeds, I then had a sinus infection, then last month I had a ear infection and at the moment I’ve had a chest infection for about 3 weeks and I’ve had lots of really bad nose bleeds as well. So I’m not sure what’s really going on, but I went to Southampton hospital this week and he took some blood to see what was happening. As he didn’t want to up the cellcept and make me more immuo-suppressed just in case its just been back luck that I’ve been getting ill and not due to my Churg Strauss Syndrome playing up, but he can’t tell until he gets the results. I’m hoping I’ll hear about the results soon and I’mm also kind of hoping its just been a bad run of luck getting ill and nothing more serious then that. But when nose bleeds are involved I know its more likely to be my condition as nose bleeds were one of my first ever symptoms. I’ll just have to see what happens with all this… I am hoping its nothing serious, I’d rather not up any medication if I don’t have too.

My mental health has been a bit of a mixture recently, its been quite difficult to deal with and I know its made me a bit harder to be around as well. Its not really been the bipolar that I’ve been struggling to control, although fighting with the depression and bad thoughts some days seems like the easy part of it all. I’ve been really struggling with the gender dysphoria, it hits so hard and its overwhelming and intense beyond words. The slightest thing can kick it off and I feel like I have zero control over it, which in itself is kinda frustrating and a bit scary.

Its my chest that is causing all the distress, anxiety and stress. I want top surgery so bad. I’ve never liked my chest, its always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. When the dysphoria hits, I feel so detached, I feel like a ghost, I just want to be as far away from myself and my body as I can get, so I just disassociate but then I find it hard to get back in my body again. It really effects my mood, it makes me feel so depressed and really agitated because I’m not comfortable in my skin, because it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, its never really belonged to me. I know I have to do some work around acceptance of self etc, as I know surgery will not fix all the emotional stuff but it will ease it. But right now that seems like a big thing to work on by myself.

I’m already starting to stress about summer and the warmer weather, as I get hot easily so it wont be as easy to cover up while remaining comfortable. I’m already aware that its gonna cause me a huge deal of stress and anxiety and it may make me less likely to go out far, I’m already anticipating how I’m going to feel, be etc… So I don’t know how I’m going to handle that and get through it.

Not being able to bind my chest makes it all the worse, I think maybe if I could bind that would take a bit of anxiety and stress out of it, I’ve been still trying on the high impact sports bras as they were the most comfortable out of everything I tried but its still not comfortable enough, especially with my chest problems I experience anyway. Its just so fucking frustrating! and doesn’t seem to be getting any easier to deal with, but the longer I’m on T the worse its getting to deal with and most days I feel pretty agitated and anxious. Its not so bad if I’m just at home and not really going anywhere, but as soon as I’ve got to go out for any period of time, especially on my own then I feel so self conscious, agitated and anxious.

I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo, like life can’t move forward right now and I know I’ve stopped moving forward, I wouldn’t know where to go now anyway. I just feel stuck, waiting for life to start again but I can’t find the button. I know I shouldn’t be waiting for top surgery but that’s what it feels like, I feel like after that then my life can start going again, where too I don’t know. I know my life can be better then it is right now, but I don’t know where I’m going, what I want, what direction, what I should or shouldn’t be doing… I’m in a rut and I hate it. Desperately trying to find things that make me really happy and not much is making me as happy as before. I mean I’m not totally unhappy, but I know things can and should be better, I just lost the drive to find it, I feel lost.

Ok… so maybe I needed to write this a more then I really realised but feels good to get it all out, I can breathe now. Been feeling mostly ok today, as I’ve stayed close to home, I’ve only been out to take the dogs for a run. Have felt so so tired today, I’ve just been chilling and looking after myself. I also finished writing out my ESA forms, I just need to get my paperwork together and then Monday I can post it all off recorded delivery, so they can’t say they didn’t get it. But I’ll sort that out on Monday I think, gonna spend the rest of the weekend just relaxing and looking after myself.

That’s it for now, am getting hungry…bloody steroids lol! Gonna go cook myself some food, although I’d really love a take away but money is low.. so cooking it is lol!

Peace out

Zak

Food diary – Another update

Once again I’ve been a bit slack on a few things but I’ve been really struggling with disassociation and binge eating. I’ve been trying so hard to get on top of it all and I’ve been stressing out so much. Stressing out has been making everything worse and I’ve been eating so much until I feel so so sick and my thoughts and memories are so disorganised, disjointed and just strange and unreal.

The last few days I’ve been trying to get back on track with reading and meditating daily and I have felt a little more settled.

I was watching a TV show called This Morning and this lady was on and she was cooking Prawn and Chicken Jambalaya. I was sat thinking that it looked really nice, well apart from prawns as I don’t like them, so I decided that I was going to make it for dinner tonight.

I’ve been doing my food shopping as and when I need things, I was finding I was getting 2 weeks worth of shopping and not eating everything I bought and had a lot of wasted food. Even though shopping as and when takes up more time and energy, its a bit more cost effective as I’m not wasting food.

Today along with the chicken jambalaya, I also tried some green olives and I can safely say that I am not a fan! They were gross, even the dogs didn’t like them lol. But I am pleased I tried them.

So this evening I cooked the chicken jambalaya, it took me a little longer then the lady on TV said it should take lol but it turned out so well and I really really enjoyed it and I was mega surprised as well. Its not usually something I would eat, mainly because its a bit spicy but I am so pleased I just went for it and made it. I even have enough left for 2 more dinners, which is awesome.

This probably isn’t the most well written blogs I’ve ever done because I am struggling to organise my thoughts right now but I’ve tried my best. As usual I’m not going to say if I’ll try something new next week as I think that’s just a bit too much to ask from myself right now. My main goal is to keep on top of the binge eating because if I cannot do it alone I’m probably going to have to seek help because it cannot continue.

Peace out

Batman

Food diary – Update

I’ve not written for a few weeks, for various reasons. So I thought I would explain why and I think it would be helpful to me to write it down.

So I didn’t write last week because I was really struggling with binge eating and I think that was mainly down to my low mood. I just couldn’t stop it, usually I can recognise what I am doing and be mindful of it so I can stop. But I knew I was binge eating but I just couldn’t get on top of it like I usually do, for whatever reason. I just wasn’t in the mood to try a new food, the thought of it was stressing me out, however I am proud that I did try 5 new foods so far and I will continue. Maybe a weekly was a bit too challenging, as I am really realising I have such a bad relationship with food and I need to change my eating habits slowly and I think I maybe need to address the emotional side of poor relationship with food as well as trying new foods.

However this week I’ve been so poorly with a really bad sinus infection and it really knocked my appetite, mainly because I’ve been coughing so much and eating anything made me feel sick. I also just didn’t have the energy to even make a sandwich, let alone a meal. The plus side of this is that it has completely stopped my binge eating and I lost 4lbs and feel much better for it. Yesterday and today I ate dinner and have not as of yet ate more then I’ve needed. So I am hoping this short period has helped me get on top of the binge eating and get back into eating when I need to eat rather then eating all around the clock. But I’ve been put on a high dose of steroids, 40 mgs which can cause insomnia…check! and increase of appetite…which luckily as of yet I am being very mindful of what is going in my gob and I’ve not felt the increase of appetite…yet lol, there’s still time and if I do I’ll probably end up back in the cycle of binge eating but I’m going to try and be mindful and not just mindlessly eat without thinking. The mindless eating is my biggest pitfall and easy to get stuck in.

I managed to attend a LGBT mental health group I volunteer at today. It was so so great to be around humans! I’ve been by myself for most of the week and I’ve been really lonely, which is absolutely the worst when I’m poorly and not up to doing anything. Group definitely helped to just lift me, lift my mood and my spirit. I genuinely feel good and happy, I haven’t felt like this in a while.

Anyway, I’ll post again at some point, it may not be a food diary but I think I might update about life in general as it is at the moment.

Peace out

Batman

I feel into the darkness

A month ago since I last posted and I was attempting to write more regularly but life and my poor mental health has kinda got in the way and to be honest I don’t remember a lot of the past month. I know I’ve had a few good days with friends and my brother but the rest of the time has been pretty dark. I recently spoke out loud to someone about how I’ve been feeling so yeah now its like real so I can and need to talk  about it.

So I suppose I’ll quickly update about benefits and stuff..

Tomorrow is my ESA face to face assessment, so not looking forward to it but luckily I have someone coming with me. But I am still super fucking nervous, although I have heard ESA isn’t as hard to get as PIP.

I have my PIP tribunal on 23rd of this month.. which I am really not fucking looking forward too! proper freaking out! But again I have an awesome friend who is coming down especially to come with me. He is awesome.

I had a letter yesterday to say my bus pass will run out in a months time and if my PIP isn’t sorted by then, then I will be unable to renew it and I won’t be able to get to any groups or appointments. But I have emailed my OT about getting a social services blue card so I will always be eligible for a bus pass. Definitely not a stress I need right now.

Health hasn’t been great, had a sinus infection which went to my chest and out of hours and a&e wouldn’t help me… which they usually do! So ended up waiting to see my GP and he gave me a steroid injection in my bum and it made me feel so much better, energy wise anyway as I literally had no energy to get out of bed. My referral to Southampton has been sent! So I am mega happy about that and cannot wait to be seen by someone who’s got a clue how to treat me and will actually fucking listen.

I am off Tramadol altogether now which is great but the Gabapentin has caused me to gain a stone in weight, which has gone to the places I want it the least, my chest, stomach and hips and because I’ve not been well, I’ve not been able to get out and exercise and because my moods been low I’ve been binge eating… which makes me feel even fucking worse.

That brings me to the my mental health.. Well its not been fucking pretty I can say that for sure.

I thought I was doing ok but only because I was keeping my true feelings inside and not really being true to myself and probably lack of insight as well didn’t help. But I’ve not been well for months, I’m just an expert at hiding it well.

In Oct when I had a bit of a manic episode due to lack of sleep, it did take a few weeks to recover but then I think I was doing ok, from what I remember. (memory at the moment is so poor) I was fairly stable and coping with everything ok.

When my money first got cut in Feb, I was like ok this is fine, I’ll cut the bills where I can, change my outgoings where I am able to etc and I will just make it work and that was ok for a bit.

As time went on it got harder and harder, my physical health got worse, I was more isolated then I ever have been before and my mood became lower and harder for me to control.

So right now I am in a place where I am struggling to stay or be grounded because I keep disassociating all the time, to the point that I am losing hours of time just by sat staring into space, so if I have an appointment I have to set like 6 alarms just so I get out of the house on time but usually once I’ve had a shower and I’m back in my body again then its not too bad. But its so fucking difficult to deal with on a daily basis, its so fucking draining.

That I can sort of deal with though but what I am finding harder to deal with is the depression, the suicidal thoughts which are fairly fucking regular and the self harm thoughts, which are so strong and I’ve gone as far as going to the shop to buy razor blades, I did manage to walk out without any but that took every little bit of strength I had left that day and its something I think about doing every day because nothing is giving me the release I need! Even writing about it my whole body is just itching to do it! Trouble is at this point I wouldn’t be in control of it or myself…I probably wouldn’t want to stop once I started either.

So yeah right now I am in a really fucking dark place and I cannot get out of this myself, only medication will help and I refuse to up the Quetiapine! So will ring the mental health team for an appointment to see if I can try Lamotrigine as that is a non weight gaining medication. I really don’t want to as I feel like its going backwards once again.

I feel so helpless, fucking useless, hopeless and like I really don’t give a fuck anymore and for me feeling like this is not good, especially with the disassociation, that’s when really bad things happen because I am not aware and I am not in control.

It’s a scary place to be, I used to love feeling out of control because that’s all I knew for all my life, then I got well and I liked that even more because I felt some level of security in that.

Just hope my psych can see me this week..

Peace out

Batman

Just one big vicious circle….

Ah what to write that is not along the same lines as what I have been writing so far this year and well last year… My life ladies and gentlemen is one HUGE vicious circle that I cannot stop and I fucking HATE! I don’t want to be in this circle any more! I want it to end NOW! 😦

Enough said right there ^^

I’m just SO over this all. Yet AGAIN I am on antibiotics for ANOTHER fucking sinus infection! Like I don’t suffer enough without this bs going on. Oh and I had a full on nose bleed last night..yeah it woke me up for like an hour :/ but felt much longer as all I wanted to do was sleep. Nose bleeds for me are a warning sign that something is wrong not that the Dr that saw me gave a fuck about anything I had to say, she just wanted to get me out the office and done with..

I am so sick of this fucking situation, I just want a break. Tomorrow I get to spend the day chasing people up and sorting shit out…Oh I cannot wait to do that! NOT! That in itself takes some much energy and emotional stress. I definitely need a secretary! I also need a sugar mumma Tongue Out that would make all this MUCH easier..but alas that is just a dream.

My life is right now is, antibiotics, other pills, chronic illness, chronic pain, low mood, benefits, phone calls, appointments, money worries…and it just goes around in a circle, the antibiotics finish and soon after the sinus infection comes right back again. I’m so sick of thinking about it, sick of this being my life! and as I am sat here writing this my nose is bleeding again..ffs! At least its not a heavy one but its still not a good sign, definitely think I am having a flare up right now.

I had to miss group again today, one because I had the doctors this morning and two because I just felt too ill to go anywhere. But I did get a call from My health My way, which is like a support place for people like me with chronic health issues. The lady was asking me for more details about me and my situation and said someone will contact me again, so that’s good. I hate missing group so much as its a lifeline of support and its not on next week due to annual staff leave..ah such bad timing but it is what it is I suppose.

Right now I am struggling to see any positivity or any hope that things will get better, or that I will get better. Its hard to keep my mood on a level as I’m standing on the edge of that black hole, my feet right over the edge, I have nothing to grab onto to stop me from falling in.

If my life were to be put on the scales then they would certainly look unbalanced and almost ready to topple over, I need something to help re-balance everything, but I don’t know what that would be or even look like. Everything just looks so bleak and black, like the colour has been drained out of my life. I certainly feel that if I were a colour I’d be black, mainly because that’s how I feel and because good days are extremely rare. Good days look like bright, colourful and happy, like purple, yellow, pink, orange, blue and other such wonderful colours, I miss good days, I hope I get one again soon.

I tried not to write about the same BS over and over but..well unfortunately my life is fucking BS right now and I have nothing else to talk about 😦

How do I feel right now? I feel tired, my body aches so much and I feel a bit low and empty.

I’m so glad I have the unconditional love of my 4 beautiful fur babies ❤

 and a picture of me 🙂

Peace out

Batman

I hate this broken body of mine

Where to start? I don’t even know right now, I’m tired as usual and not feeling too well again. I’m so fed up of this, I just want to feel better for a little bit.

Woke up today feeling even worse then I did yesterday, everything hurt from head to toe and still does now. My chest felt/feels tight but inhalers haven’t helped.

I took nearly an hour just to get showered and dressed because I kept having to sit and rest in between doing anything.

Despite feeling ill and exhausted, I managed to get myself out and on a bus to group (Mindout LGBT mental health group) http://www.dorsetmind.org.uk/

I’m glad I went, it was a good group and I found it helpful to vent all the stresses that are in my life right now, which is quite a few. I also sorted out taking subs and helped someone with some forms we were filling out. Which made me feel capable, useful and helpful and like I have a purpose, well at least for a bit.

Group took it out of me though, by the time I got home my head was pounding, my ears were hurting and just every inch of me hurt. I took some sumatriptan to help with my head, I couldn’t take anything else for my joint pain.

I took the pups across the road for 10 mins and took a ball over to play with scrappy 🙂 He loves playing fetch so much and it makes me happy watching him play and my little princess foxy just tags along trying to catch up with her brother. I love these two so so much and I am hoping to feel well enough to take them for a proper walk tomorrow, as I’ve not been able to take them out for a proper walk for about a week now, so they need one.

So glad I had dinner already made, so just had to microwave it. A day like today is why I have dinners ready made, because I just don’t have the energy to cook, even with my stool in the kitchen.

Haven’t done much this evening, just been relaxing and resting. I did paint two more boxes, one purple and one with a green base that’s going to have blue sides, so it looks like outdoors. I have a new mini figure of a janitor guy with a mop, so I am going to place him on my kitchen floor, with a spot of green paint to look like sick, gross I know lol! But it’s funny 🙂 need to do it tomorrow as the lighting in here is rubbish at night.

How do I feel right now? Tired, poorly and stressing about several things. Most things are out of my control right now so I’m trying to put them to the back of my mind and sort out the things that are in my control.

One of my stressors is the gender dysphoria, my main issue being not being able to bind my chest. Next week when I get paid I’m going to look one some sites and order myself a high intensity sports bra, in hope that will flatten my chest enough for me to feel passable.

In the summer I overheat really quickly, so I need to wear vest tops and shorts. So my chest needs to look less female in order for me to be myself and for me to feel comfortable in myself as well.

I wish I could unzip this body suit I have on because it’s the wrong body suit! with the wrong parts. I hate this so much! It’s frustrating because I can’t change anything right now.

Do you ever feel like a child? I do all the time, I feel like I am stuck at the age of 15 and I can’t seem to move on. It was the age I was diagnosed with Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis, the age my life stopped. Well that’s how it makes me feel anyway, I was really ill before my diagnosis but without a name it was easier to ignore.

I feel stuck, like emotionally stuck at this age and although I have progressed and I have moved on in many aspects of my life. But when it comes to being ill or whatever I go into child mode and it causes a lot of pain and anger. The anger almost becomes uncontrollable, I can feel it inside but there’s nothing I can do about it.

From head to toe, inside and out I despise my body. It has the wrong parts and nothing fucking works properly. I hurt every day, I’m tired every day, I’m ill all the time. Even my mind doesn’t work properly, I can’t and don’t trust any part of me to do its job properly.

I’ve never had any help with dealing with coming to terms in living with a long term illness with no cure. There’s still nothing out there, no help nothing.

Anyway..whatever I’m exhausted, well even more so. I better get this broken body to bed.

Peace out

Batman

I don’t even have the energy to be angry

In just two days things have changed, my mood has dropped and I feel like shit in more ways then one. I literally don’t have the energy for anything right now, I would just like things to go a bit more smoothly for a change.

Yesterday was a good day for the most part, I saw my brother and nephew Leo for a bit in the morning, I then spent the afternoon with my best friend and in the evening I had my transgender therapy group.

That was all cool and made me happy but I had woken up with a really bad sore throat and generally felt pretty rubbish. I carried on regardless though and it was utterly exhausting.

My appetite is back on track now thankfully, Mon I had beef stroganoff, yesterday I made a sausage and bean casserole and today I had gammon, roast veg, roast potatoes and dumplings, it was really nice, I’d never made dumplings before and I will definitely be making them again. It makes my life easier when I don’t have to stress about eating or not.

So today has been a wash out pretty much, I’m so stressed out I’m almost calm about it all because it’s all out of my control at the moment.

I didn’t get out of bed until 12 pm, I just felt and still feel so ill. Everything aches and hurts, my throat is still really sore and I just generally feel unwell. Just what I need another bug…The doctors are still doing something with my details because I can’t log into their system to book an appointment, which is a bit annoying. So I’m going to ring tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment soon. I need another antibiotic to tide me over until the 18th Feb when I see my bone doc and I will be asking for a new immunosuppressant that’s not freaking methotrexate!

Anyway I dragged myself around to do the housework and the laundry. Got showered, dressed and took the rubbish out. After that I felt so exhausted, I couldn’t do anything more because everything was hurting so much.

The pups had a vets appointment at 3 pm, so I was just relaxing and watching tv before I had to go out with them.

My rest didn’t feel long enough and I still felt so ill but I got myself and the pups ready to go out. Just before we left though, I checked my bank details to see if how much money was in my account, I knew there was enough in there but I always check just in case and I am glad I did! Otherwise I would have go there and wouldn’t have been able to pay as all my money was gone!

I had to ring up the vets and cancel the pups appointment and I have to sort out another appointment tomorrow. I took the pups out for a wee and quick run as they’d not been out yet and then dropped them back.

I went to the bank and I was in there for an hour and a half and for the majority of it I was on hold, being passed to 4 different people, listening to crappy music while I was waiting. The guy that was helping me was really nice and so helpful and he spoke to the peeps on the phone for me because I didn’t know what they were on about lol. I was feeling ill and in pain and it made it hard to concentrate on anything.

The reason my money was taken goes back to Nov 15 when I had that fraud issue on my account and had to get a new card etc. Anyway long story short they didn’t receive my letter confirming that this was fraud and not a transaction that was mine, but because I hadn’t heard anything I assumed it was all sorted…clearly not the fucking case. So they’ve had to start the claim all over again, so they will send forms out again for me to sign and send back. But I won’t be sending them back, I’m going to take them to the bank so they can fax it over so they definitely get it this time.

But whilst at the bank the man that was helping me noticed that I have two different titles on my account! Which is why the fraud team were calling me Miss and not Mr..making assumptions I suppose because they too would have seen both titles on my account. Anyway this means whoever originally changed my details they didn’t do it right, so I need to take my deed poll in again and they can sort it out properly.

Yeah…..One more thing on top of everything else I’m dealing with right now. Yes its been easily sorted but I could have done without sitting in the bank on hold for an hour and a half. I haven’t even got the energy to be angry about it. Its like yup ok of course this is happening to me, after all it is me and life likes to fuck me over at every opportune moment. I’m almost expecting for things to just fuck up now because that’s how it’s been the last few months.

Anyway whatever… So how do I feel right now? I feel achy with a really sore throat. I do feel quite angry right now about everything. Mood is low because of all this bullshit..

Going to sort myself out and get to bed soon and hopefully I’ll feel well enough for group tomorrow. I hope so as I missed last week because I was fucking ill!

Peace out

Batman