today sucks

Now lockdown is easing, I’ve had two different hospital departments ring me up last week to book me in for appointments. It was quite nice to go without hospital appointments for the last few months, its been the only real upside to lockdown life.

One appointment was for the podiatrist, he said my new insoles are ready… finally! Feels like I’ve been waiting forever for these new ones. He said he can post them to me or I can come in for an appointment and I said I’d prefer an appointment as if they still aren’t right then he can write down what adjustments they need and send them off there and then, rather then having them posted to me, them not being right and having to go up for an appointment anyway. Made more sense to me to just go in for an appointment. I go there on Thursday morning, I’m really hoping these are better then the last ones as its been nearly 2 years now trying to get these insoles just right.

The second appointment was for cardiology, which I went to this morning and it was a pretty fucking shit experience for a number of reasons.

The first being the face mask, for some reason is provokes such an intense reaction. It makes me feel really angry, really agitated and really anxious. I fucking hate wearing stuff over my face and around my neck, I can’t wear a Halloween mask for the same reason, I can’t fucking stand scarfs either. So as soon as I put that mask on to enter the hospital, my mood completely changed and its not under my control. I just instantly felt on edge and really emotionally dysregulated, I just wanted to take that mask off an leave.

Then I was fitted with a blood pressure monitor which is completely different from the one I was fitted with at the doctors surgery, which stressed me out even more. This one I have on now for 24 hours is uncomfortable, I have the monitor looped around my belt and the wire is all bunched up around my back and isn’t sat flat across my shoulder, its extremely hard to ignore the fact I’m wearing it and I fucking hate it! For bed time I have a softer belt to wear but if possible I’m not going to wear it as a belt, if its long enough I’m going to try and wear it over one shoulder.

The one I had from the doctors surgery a few months back was way better, the monitor itself was in a little bag with a strap, so I wore it over my shoulder which meant the wire wasn’t all bunched up around my back and sat flat around my shoulder. It was barely noticeable and it wasn’t such a stressful experience as this one is turning out to be.

I feel so fucking angry because I don’t feel comfortable and there’s nothing I can do so make myself feel less angry and uncomfortable. I just have to put up with this bullshit till 12 pm tomorrow and then have to drop the fucking thing back off which means wearing a fucking mask again!

I feel so fucking frustrated I want to smash my head in! That’s how intense I feel right now, I can’t wait for this 24 hours to be fucking done!

How I feel is beyond any self soothing skills or any other bullshit skill, I won’t feel better until I can take this fucking thing off.

Before lockdown I could cope ok with changes and sensory things, I was still effected by sudden changes or something that didn’t feel right but I was able to just deal with it and it didn’t often invoke a strong reaction, occasionally is did but not always. But now because lockdown guidelines are forever changing and things are so uncertain and my anxiety is heightened, I simply cannot deal with the smallest of changes or things that don’t feel right. It sends me into a massive internal spin and invokes such intense reactions, which makes me want to physically act out, in hurting myself. Which admittedly I have punched myself in the head, I’ve pinched myself hard, scratched myself, punched my legs. Just anything to stop the intensity of how I feel, the only things I’ve not resorted to yet is cutting myself. Mainly because I’ve not cut for 2 years and 6 months but also I don’t think I’d be able to control myself and I don’t want to have to deal with going to hospital for stitches and being questioned by people.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of maybe being on the autism spectrum because of my sensory issues, the fact I struggle to deal with change and find it difficult to make friends, I don’t like being touched unless I’m in a relationship with someone then its different, I don’t give very good eye contact as I find it really uncomfortable and social situations make me anxious. I also have stuff that I will intensely be interested in, collect etc and same with foods I will eat something for weeks/months on end until I’m sick of it. Also I have a lot of friends past and present who are on the spectrum, which makes sense as people with additional needs tend to gravitate towards each other. I may bring this up with the nurse next week when I go for my T shot and see what she suggest I do and her opinion on whether I could be on the spectrum or not.

Girls with ASD even now get missed and aren’t diagnosed as often as boys are, mainly because when the DX was written about ASD it had boys/men in mind now girls/females. Also girls are often much better at learning how to pretend and mimic their peers, boys don’t often do this and will ore often act out more aggressively so are more likely to be tested for autism, whereas for girls its not often picked up until much later in life.

I was raised as female and actually there’s a high instance of trans people who are on the spectrum, so these two things makes sense as to why maybe if I am on the spectrum it was missed earlier on in my life.

Anyway I’m so over today, I’m going to try and relax and hopefully the intensity of the mass of swirling mess inside subsides enough for me to chill and feel a bit better.

Peace out

Zak

Birthday Boy!

As I said in my blog the other day, I’ve been struggling to sit down and concentrate and a lot of that is because I’ve had a case of ‘I can’t be bothered’ been feeling a bit low, stressed and tense. I’ve withdrawn myself from life a bit, withdrawn from people and from doing anything at all. It’s been a huge struggle to get up and do the most basic of things.

I’ve been a bit depressed and a bit lazy but I am going to try my best to get out and do stuff.

Anyway, last week 2nd March, was my 35th Birthday! Which is insane! 5 years until I’m 40! WTF LOL!

I had a really great week, on my actual birthday I had two friends over and we had pizza and cake! Which was awesome. Thursday my friend and I went to Brighton for the day which was so much fun, we went to the aquarium and wow I loved it there! I love Brighton so much. On the Saturday my two friends came down for the weekend, we ate loads, drank, watched movies and chilled.

It was a really great birthday week, I am so grateful for all the people I shared my birthday with. I was a bit worried about this birthday as its the first without the 2 big friendships I’ve had over the years, so I was worried that I wouldn’t have anyone to do anything with.

I thought I’d share some pictures of my birthday week

Safe to say I took a billion pictures at the aquarium lol!

I was in such a different place when I turned 30, I’d just come out as trans, I was surrounded by different people, good and bad friendships. I’m now 2 1/2 years on testosterone, nearly 7 months post op top surgery, I have a very different friend circle. Things are not perfect, I’m still figuring stuff out but I am slowly becoming the person I want to be and I will continue to change and grow.

That’s all for now, as I am struggling to feel connected to what I’m writing so it doesn’t feel quite right. So I’m going to stop.

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a Trans guy – 7 weeks post op Top Surgery

These past 7 weeks have gone so quickly, my head and emotions still haven’t quite caught up with everything yet, I’m just trying to take it easy and be kind to myself.

The one thing no one tells you about post top surgery is that you no longer have two bags of fat on your chest keeping you warm! I’ve been going out in what I would normally wear for certain temperatures and I’ve been really cold, that’s going to take a while getting used too.

Also when getting dressed, I feel like I’m missing something because I no longer have to wear a binder/bra under my tops, so that feels pretty weird, feel kinda naked lol!

But I am loving the fact that my clothes all fit better and I don’t feel so stressed out while getting dressed because nothing looks or feels right. Now clothes sit properly and feel good, I look forward to getting dressed now, rather then it being a stressful event.

I went and had a massage on Monday, as after wearing that compression binder for nearly 6 weeks my back was so tense and stiff, I knew I needed a massage to help loosen my body up again. Plus a little self care goes a long way. It was so good! my shoulders were so knotty and I was so tense in so many places, I felt great afterwards, it was very much needed. I decided to have one once a month, as I think it will do me good in many ways.

I’ve spent a lot of time not being connected to my body and I still don’t feel quite connected with myself, so I think having a regular massage will help me feel more connected to my body and myself in general.

Now I’ve had surgery, I feel like I want to look after myself and my body better, although it all feels a bit overwhelming right now, so I’m just starting slowly. I’m still getting pretty exhausted most days, so its going to take a while to build myself back up. I think starting with having a monthly massage, will help set me on the right road.

7 Weeks Post op Top Surgery

I bought some Bio oil today to put on my scars and help heal these scars up. My body sometimes over heals and my scars turn out bumpy.

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Zak

Still trying – Self care

At the weekend I was feeling really agitated, indecisive and I just didn’t know what to do with myself.

I think I was stressing about not doing enough…by that I’m not sure what. But I think I felt like I HAD to be doing something productive. But really all that pressure I was putting on myself was just stressing me out and making me feel worse then I already did.

So after much stressing and panicking that I wasn’t doing ‘enough’ (whatever enough means) I decided to go to the shop to get some food, to make sure I was eating, I got some fruit but mainly packet stuff that’s quick and easy to eat without much hassle. I then decided to find something to watch on Netflix and that relaxing with my animals for the rest of the day and making sure I ate was more then enough.

That simple change in my perspective changed everything and has actually made this week so much easier. The agitation and stress disappeared and I felt much more relaxed and to my surprise I was able to make decisions without feeling so stressed and felt a bit more motivated.

On the Sunday I took Scrappy to the beach, the weather was really nice so we spent most of the afternoon there, we walked, sat and had snacks, talked with other dog walkers. It was such a nice day and very much needed.

This week has been fairly busy, I’ve done two shifts at the cat cafe, I’ve meet up with two friends and I’ve had a physio appointment.

Today I have done the housework and laundry, I’ve taken the dogs out and then I have rested and listened to podcasts. I’m so exhausted from everything I’ve done this week, I decided it was best to just rest my body and my mind.

I’ve also spent some time sorting through my appointments for the next few months of which I seem to have more then I usually do lol! But I at least know where I’ve got to be and when.

I’ve not had the idiot box on today, only to play music on YouTube while I was doing the housework. It’s been quite nice just to listen to different podcasts, instead of starting at the TV.

That small change in how I feel about relaxing and doing nothing, has really helped me this week. I know I deserve to relax and I should be relaxing, I shouldn’t be pushing my body and I am worthy of self care.

Feeling worthy is so important and something I really struggle with. I often feeling like I am not worthy of anything! I’m working on it and it comes and goes but I’m still trying.

Self care is super important and because I’ve been depressed, I haven’t been looking after myself as well as I deserve. I’m starting again, which is fine, no matter how many times, I stop, start, fall down, I will always get back up and keep trying.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 36 on T

Today I finally got around to doing a voice comparison video! woohoo! I’ve been meaning to do it for a while, but my throat has been really sore today, I keep having to clear my throat and my voice sounds a lot different, to me anyway it does. I can’t believe how different my voice sounds! Its so crazy but really cool.

Apart from my voice I’ve not really had any other changes, just getting more hairy and horny lol!

I’ve been quite busy and I haven’t really had much of a chance to sit and just be, which is cool but I haven’t really been able to check in with myself as much, as at the moment I’m always planning on how I’m going to get by money wise fortnight to fortnight. I’ve not really been able to be in the moment as much.

I’m still in the middle of sorting all my benefits stuff out… I gotta email some stuff off tonight and hopefully it won’t take too long for the charity I’m using to put together my MR for PIP. I want it over with now, its so stressful.

I’ve been getting a bit of dysphoria, but its not been too bad. Its been manageable, although I’ve figured that sometimes when I feel dizzy its because I’m disassociating. It makes me feel really weird, like I’m not real, everything else isn’t real… and then I feel dizzy and wobbly. When it happens I just try and focus on something, which isn’t always easy but it does help a bit.

Self care helps with the dysphoria, things I like to do are –

Napping, eating, binge watching tv, playing with my dogs, walking, housework, being with close friends, meditation, singing, listening to music…the list goes on.

Other self care includes making sure I’ve eaten decent meals, paid bills, that I’ve got enough money, taking my meds, housework, laundry..etc boring self care stuff but essential.

 

Week 36 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

^ Finally got around to doing a voice comparison video.

Peace out

Zak

*Insert*Title*Here*

I don’t often write in between my weekly transition blogs, but I feel like I needed to write today, I got things I just need to get out and maybe it will help me make sense of everything.

It’s probably gonna come out a bit all over the place and scattered, but that’s how my brain is feeling at the moment. It probably won’t be strictly transition related but a bit of everything that happening in my life at the moment, so transition, physical health, mental health, family etc…

I can’t even remember the last time I just wrote a regular blog entry, must have been a while ago now.

I literally don’t know where to even start… Ok I’ll start with the good stuff going on, so I can get into the flow of things and unpick my brain as I go along.

My name change is all official now, which is really awesome and feels so good. I am now legally Mr Zak Dyllan Mills! Woohoo! I’ve already changed it at the bank and the doctors and I’ve written some letters too, they just need posting. It just feels really right and just the next part of my transition, I feel much more like me now. Which probably sounds weird as its just a name but for me a name is quite an important part of my identity and how the world views me and how I view myself. So yeah feeling pretty awesome about that.

Last Sunday my new little nephew Alex came into the world, weighing in at 9lbs 3! the lil fatty lol but he’s so damn cute. I already had cuddles on Tuesday with him, he was just so content just laying on my lap fast asleep, he’s so chill. Proud uncle to 3 nephews, which is insane! the eldest will be 9 this year, its just flown by so fast. I absolutely adore all of them.

Physical health hasn’t really been too great this year, I’ve had infection after infection. Over the new years I kept getting nose bleeds, I then had a sinus infection, then last month I had a ear infection and at the moment I’ve had a chest infection for about 3 weeks and I’ve had lots of really bad nose bleeds as well. So I’m not sure what’s really going on, but I went to Southampton hospital this week and he took some blood to see what was happening. As he didn’t want to up the cellcept and make me more immuo-suppressed just in case its just been back luck that I’ve been getting ill and not due to my Churg Strauss Syndrome playing up, but he can’t tell until he gets the results. I’m hoping I’ll hear about the results soon and I’mm also kind of hoping its just been a bad run of luck getting ill and nothing more serious then that. But when nose bleeds are involved I know its more likely to be my condition as nose bleeds were one of my first ever symptoms. I’ll just have to see what happens with all this… I am hoping its nothing serious, I’d rather not up any medication if I don’t have too.

My mental health has been a bit of a mixture recently, its been quite difficult to deal with and I know its made me a bit harder to be around as well. Its not really been the bipolar that I’ve been struggling to control, although fighting with the depression and bad thoughts some days seems like the easy part of it all. I’ve been really struggling with the gender dysphoria, it hits so hard and its overwhelming and intense beyond words. The slightest thing can kick it off and I feel like I have zero control over it, which in itself is kinda frustrating and a bit scary.

Its my chest that is causing all the distress, anxiety and stress. I want top surgery so bad. I’ve never liked my chest, its always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. When the dysphoria hits, I feel so detached, I feel like a ghost, I just want to be as far away from myself and my body as I can get, so I just disassociate but then I find it hard to get back in my body again. It really effects my mood, it makes me feel so depressed and really agitated because I’m not comfortable in my skin, because it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, its never really belonged to me. I know I have to do some work around acceptance of self etc, as I know surgery will not fix all the emotional stuff but it will ease it. But right now that seems like a big thing to work on by myself.

I’m already starting to stress about summer and the warmer weather, as I get hot easily so it wont be as easy to cover up while remaining comfortable. I’m already aware that its gonna cause me a huge deal of stress and anxiety and it may make me less likely to go out far, I’m already anticipating how I’m going to feel, be etc… So I don’t know how I’m going to handle that and get through it.

Not being able to bind my chest makes it all the worse, I think maybe if I could bind that would take a bit of anxiety and stress out of it, I’ve been still trying on the high impact sports bras as they were the most comfortable out of everything I tried but its still not comfortable enough, especially with my chest problems I experience anyway. Its just so fucking frustrating! and doesn’t seem to be getting any easier to deal with, but the longer I’m on T the worse its getting to deal with and most days I feel pretty agitated and anxious. Its not so bad if I’m just at home and not really going anywhere, but as soon as I’ve got to go out for any period of time, especially on my own then I feel so self conscious, agitated and anxious.

I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo, like life can’t move forward right now and I know I’ve stopped moving forward, I wouldn’t know where to go now anyway. I just feel stuck, waiting for life to start again but I can’t find the button. I know I shouldn’t be waiting for top surgery but that’s what it feels like, I feel like after that then my life can start going again, where too I don’t know. I know my life can be better then it is right now, but I don’t know where I’m going, what I want, what direction, what I should or shouldn’t be doing… I’m in a rut and I hate it. Desperately trying to find things that make me really happy and not much is making me as happy as before. I mean I’m not totally unhappy, but I know things can and should be better, I just lost the drive to find it, I feel lost.

Ok… so maybe I needed to write this a more then I really realised but feels good to get it all out, I can breathe now. Been feeling mostly ok today, as I’ve stayed close to home, I’ve only been out to take the dogs for a run. Have felt so so tired today, I’ve just been chilling and looking after myself. I also finished writing out my ESA forms, I just need to get my paperwork together and then Monday I can post it all off recorded delivery, so they can’t say they didn’t get it. But I’ll sort that out on Monday I think, gonna spend the rest of the weekend just relaxing and looking after myself.

That’s it for now, am getting hungry…bloody steroids lol! Gonna go cook myself some food, although I’d really love a take away but money is low.. so cooking it is lol!

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 21 on T

I’m writing this a day late this week, as yesterday I was having a bit of a hissy fit. So I ended up just sleeping and binge watching stuff on Netflix all day. I totally needed it and felt much better for it, the two previous nights I’d not slept well at all and I think it all finally caught up with me.

The reason I was having a bit of a moment was because at the weekend I had fraud on my card…again! For the 3rd time in about 3 years, its such an inconvenience being without a card. Also for some reason I had it in my head that I was getting paid this week… But I didn’t because I wasn’t due to get paid until next week URGH! I don’t know what happened, or how it happened but I totally mismanaged my money and was left with £8 for a week. I was totally kicking myself and I was so fucking angry with myself, I could not believe I fucked up so baldy. Some of my lovely friends though offered me money which was so sweet of them, but after much agonising I rang my grandparents and asked them for some money, which felt horrible! I hate asking for help and money especially from family. But thankfully they gave me £80, unfortunately £60 of that went straight into the bank for bills… and I’ve already spent the rest on food. But luckily I’m still owed a bit of money from a friend and my mum, so I won’t be totally skint.

So to say I was stressed was an understatement, I just couldn’t get over how I fucked up so bad. I ended up just sleeping on and off all day long, but I totally needed and I feel loads better today.

Anyway back to the transition stuff, I have noticed that the hair on my thighs have finally started growing and looking darker which is cool, the rest of my legs look like a forest and my armpits too, I’m so chuffed.

Yesterday I had my peak blood test for my testosterone levels and I should get my results tomorrow, which will tell me how often I will need to do my injections.

For a few days after my injection last week my appetite increased but that’s settled down now thankfully and from Fri-Mon my mood and energy was way up which felt good! Feeling a bit more settled and chill today and a bit more grounded.

Week 21 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

That’s all for this week,

Peace out

Dyllan

Trying to keep it together

I decided to write today, mainly so I can get all this crap out my head and stop it from just going around in circles.

I finally managed to get onto my doctors notes… I can’t use any of it though! Its so inaccurate and just not detailed enough. I’m so angry because I was hoping I would be able to use it for my PIP evidence. But no yet another fucking obstacle has been put in my way. I’m so seriously over this bullshit already! I’m done.

In my notes it says I was diagnosed with granulomatosis with polyangiitis when in 2003, which is wrong, I was diagnosed in 2000 I only remember this really clearly because I was still in secondary school and I was ill a lot of the time and I struggled to keep up with the work. It also keeps saying I’m an ex smoker! which I’m not, I’ve never smoked. There’s just so much that is either wrong or just totally missing altogether. Its s fucked up!

And to top off yesterday I waited in all day for an Amazon delivery but I got an email to say delivery attempted! which was fucking bullshit because I was in waiting! I was so furious because I could have taken the dogs for a walk or whatever.

I was so angry and so stressed out and I just couldn’t see how I was going to get this shit sorted out. I was so close to cutting because I just felt so angry and like nothing was within my control and I felt out of control as well. I just felt so intense and just didn’t know what to do and cutting is my crutch, my go to thing to do for release. It has been for most of my life. I managed to control myself and I didn’t cut because I knew if I did I would have momentary release and then I’d beat myself up about giving in. I wish that cutting still wasn’t my instant reaction when I’m stressed out or feeling intense feelings. I have a much better control over it now but it still bugs me that its my brains default setting when things become unbearable.

I don’t know what more I can do other then control the urges, I can’t seem to change this default setting because its been like it since I was like 9-10 years old, so well over 20 years now. There’s a part of me that loves cutting so much because its a buzz and makes me feel great, hence why I’m covered in scars, but it also comes with a lot of shame a guilt and that doesn’t feel so good. Because you’re told its wrong, its not the right way to deal with your emotions etc.. but that guilt and shame isn’t always mine, its given to me from others.

Anger seems to be default mode right now, I seem to tap into it really quickly. Sometimes I can calm myself down quickly, sometimes its takes longer. It depends what’s pissed me off. Again its something I wish didn’t happen so easily, I can go from feeling ok, feeling calm, to just feeling enraged and such intense anger and frustration. Although its not like it every day, I think often it depends on how much I’ve already just dealt with, how I feel physically and what the trigger is that’s made me so angry.

Benefits make me instantly angry because claiming PIP last year was just so traumatic and so stressful and I was just pushed to the edge of sanity. So now my instant reaction is anger because I’m still not over how badly I was treated.

People shaming me for being ill and not being able to do what they want me to do on that specific day also makes me instantly angry. I will not be shamed for something I have no control over.

I’m sure there are other triggers, I don’t want to list them all. I don’t want to get rid of my anger because it often motivates me to do something to change the situation, like today I got up and I was straight onto the laptop writing and letter to the practice manager and my GP surgery to get them to sort out getting me a copy of my actual notes. I just wish it wasn’t my instant response to certain situations. I wish I was more level headed and calmer.

I feel a bit calmer and less crazy today, although as its now midday and Amazon still haven’t delivered my package I’m starting to feel more agitated because I do actually want to take the dogs for a walk today. I don’t want to sit in all day again.

Last night I remembered I was given a health journal ages ago now and I’ve never used it. So this morning I dug it out and started to fill it out for this morning, I think it will be really useful for myself and my doctors that are all involved in my care to be able to see how my day to day life really is. Often when I go to appointments and they ask me how I feel, I answer how I feel that day. I can’t remember how I’ve felt over the last 6 months and that’s another thing I’ve not really discussed is my poor memory. I swear its got worse over the years, I struggle to remember anything and nothing is in order either. Anyway I am going to make it a part of my routine to fill this in on a daily basis and build up a better idea of my over all health. It may also be helpful for PIP, I can copy the pages and print them off.

It’s going to be difficult writing down everyday what hurts and where, what doesn’t feel good etc. But I think its going to be a really important tool for myself and my doctors.

^ This is the health journal

That’s all for today, I think I’ve spilled my guts enough lol.

Peace out

Batman

Let the good times roll – Things clicking into place

It’s Monday afternoon here right now and as I’m feeling OK and had a good weekend, I feel up to writing a new post.

So Friday was good, I met L and the boys off the bus in the afternoon and I took the boys over to my brothers and L went back to mine to rest as she wasn’t feeling well. We spent a few hours there and Albert and Harvey loved playing with my two nephew Jack and Leo.

My bro got my a PS4 😀 he put it on his Argos card and I’ve got to pay some of it off but not right away. But YAY! So so so happy with it, as I’ve been wanting one for so long. I love my bro he’s awesome.

Saturday was so busy and long but it was good. So it was Jacks 7th birthday and we all went into a indoor play area for a few hours. It was so noisy and busy in there but all the kids had fun. Went back to my brothers after for cake, which was nice and Albert didn’t want to leave bless him.

We got back and I picked up the post and opened it and I was jumping about with excitement! I had got a letter to say my first appointment with the Gender Clinic in London on the 15th September!! which is like 3 weeks away! I am so so fucking super excited its unreal! I am so nervous as well. It’s a really long appointment too 75 mins, then a hour and 15 mins of admin… Finally on the path to being who I really am now.

Sunday was spent my best friend, we just chilled out and watched Stranger Things which was really cool. It was a day well needed 🙂

I spent a few hours with my bro, sister in law and nephew today, went to the pub for a drink and the arcade and played on the 2p machine and won loads of lollies.

Why is it the good things always happen after you’ve given up? I’m glad that I’ve had a good few days and that I got a PS4, its really picked my mood up. I do still feel really stressed but I feel able to cope again for now.

I have PIP court tribunal tomorrow afternoon, I am so anxious and stressed about it. I can feel that its all so close to being over with now and I am just so anxious for it to hurry up and be over with already. I am glad I have my J coming down for the day especially to help me, I am so grateful for that. I should know tomorrow if they are going to give it to me or not, I am just trying to stay positive about getting the outcome I deserve.

I am hoping these good days are going to keep rolling and the good news keeps coming and that everything is now finally starting to click back into place, that this is the break I need.

So yeah I’m feeling fairly ok, feeling confident about tomorrow, although I’m trying not to feel cocky about it and I am trying to read up about the PIP tribunal as possible and I am going to make notes as well.

Well I better start sorting some notes out, so I’m gonna wrap this up.

Peace out

Batman

I feel into the darkness

A month ago since I last posted and I was attempting to write more regularly but life and my poor mental health has kinda got in the way and to be honest I don’t remember a lot of the past month. I know I’ve had a few good days with friends and my brother but the rest of the time has been pretty dark. I recently spoke out loud to someone about how I’ve been feeling so yeah now its like real so I can and need to talk  about it.

So I suppose I’ll quickly update about benefits and stuff..

Tomorrow is my ESA face to face assessment, so not looking forward to it but luckily I have someone coming with me. But I am still super fucking nervous, although I have heard ESA isn’t as hard to get as PIP.

I have my PIP tribunal on 23rd of this month.. which I am really not fucking looking forward too! proper freaking out! But again I have an awesome friend who is coming down especially to come with me. He is awesome.

I had a letter yesterday to say my bus pass will run out in a months time and if my PIP isn’t sorted by then, then I will be unable to renew it and I won’t be able to get to any groups or appointments. But I have emailed my OT about getting a social services blue card so I will always be eligible for a bus pass. Definitely not a stress I need right now.

Health hasn’t been great, had a sinus infection which went to my chest and out of hours and a&e wouldn’t help me… which they usually do! So ended up waiting to see my GP and he gave me a steroid injection in my bum and it made me feel so much better, energy wise anyway as I literally had no energy to get out of bed. My referral to Southampton has been sent! So I am mega happy about that and cannot wait to be seen by someone who’s got a clue how to treat me and will actually fucking listen.

I am off Tramadol altogether now which is great but the Gabapentin has caused me to gain a stone in weight, which has gone to the places I want it the least, my chest, stomach and hips and because I’ve not been well, I’ve not been able to get out and exercise and because my moods been low I’ve been binge eating… which makes me feel even fucking worse.

That brings me to the my mental health.. Well its not been fucking pretty I can say that for sure.

I thought I was doing ok but only because I was keeping my true feelings inside and not really being true to myself and probably lack of insight as well didn’t help. But I’ve not been well for months, I’m just an expert at hiding it well.

In Oct when I had a bit of a manic episode due to lack of sleep, it did take a few weeks to recover but then I think I was doing ok, from what I remember. (memory at the moment is so poor) I was fairly stable and coping with everything ok.

When my money first got cut in Feb, I was like ok this is fine, I’ll cut the bills where I can, change my outgoings where I am able to etc and I will just make it work and that was ok for a bit.

As time went on it got harder and harder, my physical health got worse, I was more isolated then I ever have been before and my mood became lower and harder for me to control.

So right now I am in a place where I am struggling to stay or be grounded because I keep disassociating all the time, to the point that I am losing hours of time just by sat staring into space, so if I have an appointment I have to set like 6 alarms just so I get out of the house on time but usually once I’ve had a shower and I’m back in my body again then its not too bad. But its so fucking difficult to deal with on a daily basis, its so fucking draining.

That I can sort of deal with though but what I am finding harder to deal with is the depression, the suicidal thoughts which are fairly fucking regular and the self harm thoughts, which are so strong and I’ve gone as far as going to the shop to buy razor blades, I did manage to walk out without any but that took every little bit of strength I had left that day and its something I think about doing every day because nothing is giving me the release I need! Even writing about it my whole body is just itching to do it! Trouble is at this point I wouldn’t be in control of it or myself…I probably wouldn’t want to stop once I started either.

So yeah right now I am in a really fucking dark place and I cannot get out of this myself, only medication will help and I refuse to up the Quetiapine! So will ring the mental health team for an appointment to see if I can try Lamotrigine as that is a non weight gaining medication. I really don’t want to as I feel like its going backwards once again.

I feel so helpless, fucking useless, hopeless and like I really don’t give a fuck anymore and for me feeling like this is not good, especially with the disassociation, that’s when really bad things happen because I am not aware and I am not in control.

It’s a scary place to be, I used to love feeling out of control because that’s all I knew for all my life, then I got well and I liked that even more because I felt some level of security in that.

Just hope my psych can see me this week..

Peace out

Batman