Hibernation mode

I’ve been really struggling to write on a regular basis, even though I know it helps me. I’ve been trying to write in my notebook, as that feels a bit less pressure then writing my blog, as it doesn’t have to make sense, or even full sentences. It’s mainly just random, partially formed thoughts, that are rolling around in my head.

I’ve had a lot of blog ideas, stuff I want to write about, delve deeper into. But I just haven’t had the motivation to do so.

The weather has been so sucky recently, we’ve had so much rain! There’s been very few nice days in what feels like forever! and this really hasn’t helped with my low mood, lack of motivation.

I’ve also been overeating, ugh! which makes me feel so shitty. Throughout December my excuse for eating crap was its Christmas, so it was cool to eat crap. But I was cooking dinner for myself every day, which in the past I’ve really struggled with. In recent weeks, I’ve kind of lost control over my eating and I’ve been eating too much, eating when I’m not even hungry and eating more crappy shit then I actually did in December.

I’ve recognised that I am overeating due to low mood and being bored, which is the first step to getting my eating back to not normal but eating less. I’ve stopped buying in crappy snacks and I’ve been trying intermittent fasting, which has helped me in the past to regain control over my overeating.

I know this will help improve my mood, as overeating makes me feel so crap and I’ve put on so much weight as well, which makes me feel so gross about myself. Now I’m on testosterone any weight I put on goes straight to my stomach and man I just look like a pot bellied pig right now! I already have pretty low self esteem and right now its really low.

Since December, I’ve been in hibernation mode, eating snacks and mainly staying at home on my own, out of choice. It’s been great, I’ve really needed to recharge and relax. Usually I don’t like being alone for too long and it in the past has effected my mood. But I’ve actually really enjoyed this time alone, I’ve not missed being around people, it hasn’t effected my mood like it usually does. It’s definitely been a huge spiritual change that I’ve been going through recently and it feels great. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of something great but I’m not quite ready to make that leap out of my cocoon and fly over the edge and that’s ok, things take time.

I’m still not ready to come out of hibernation mode just get and that’s cool, I just need to maybe push myself a little bit to write actual blog posts as well as my random notes I’ve got floating around in my millions of notebooks lol!

Peace out

Zak

Still here

Again I’ve not written for a few months for various reasons. One being that I’ve not really been present, I’ve been disconnected and just in my own little world lately.

The other reason is I often don’t feel like I have anything new to say or anything different to offer anyone. I’m not one for “content” and all that stuff. I’ve always blogged for me and part of me does want to be able to make a living from writing, whether that be blogging or whatever. But I always think I’m not good enough at anything, so I don’t try. If you don’t try you can’t fail right? But either way doesn’t make me feel good…

I have been writing a lot, but I’ve just not published anything. I have loads of blogs I’ve planned to do but just didn’t do it. Like 18 months on testosterone update, I just didn’t do it, which is sad for me because I enjoy writing and blogging.

It all goes back to zero self esteem and I’ve just been dealing with a lot too.

Back in January I was just so angry, so frustrated, so depressed that I just shut everybody out, I was just done. I’d had enough and to start with it was really hard being so lonely but I tried to make the best of it like I do with everything and some days we’re really good but ultimately I was still really lonely. I’ve realised I can’t push everyone away, so I’ve added a few people back on fb, reached out to others.

It’s still really hard and uncomfortable and I still feel so fed up with always reaching out and not getting much back, but any rejection is hard to deal with and I suppose it’s something I gotta work on and deal with.

I still feel very much like an outsider, I’m not one of these people who opens up easily to others, I don’t like to insert myself into people’s life, mainly because I don’t feel like I’m wanted… there’s that low self esteem again 😔 maybe I’ll always been an outsider, maybe one day I’ll find my tribe. I dunno.

I need to try learn to take compliments too, I’ve had a few recently and it makes me feel so uncomfortable, it makes me feel really cringy and weird and I always just think people say nice stuff cuz they have too, I always doubt it’s sincerity. It’s not something I’ve ever been good at, I tend to just deflect when I get a compliment. But I need to start saying thank you and maybe writing them down so I can reread it and see that I’m not as worthless as I think I am.

I will update more often and maybe upload stuff I’ve previously written, some of which is pretty dark and emotional but maybe if I get it out on here it will help me work through it.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 39 on T

I’ve been on testosterone for exactly 9 months today! Woohoo! Its gone so quickly, I can’t believe it. I’m so glad I started on this journey, I’m feeling more myself then ever before. It hasn’t made everything perfect and there’s still a long way to go yet, but I’m glad I honoured how I felt after all these years.

I’ve been struggling a bit this week with feeling disconnected, but I think its because I haven’t spent much time looking after myself and my needs. I haven’t spent much time connecting with myself and I haven’t meditated for a long time, its something I’m going to try and do more of as I know it helps and I always feel better for it.

My voice is still slowly changing as it the rest of my body, which is cool.

I don’t really have much else to say, as I’m so tired and feeling a bit low. I’m going to make some dinner and if the weather stays nice then I’m going to take the dogs out for a walk. Sitting by the sea always helps me feel connected and feel at peace

Week 39 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 17 on T

I feel like there’s so much write, but where to even start. Most of it isn’t trans related but it all has a knock on effect on everything else. My brain is just overflowing, its so overwhelming and I don’t want to deal with any of it, at least not until January. I need to get my head straight and I need to figure out where to even start.

I haven’t noticed any new testosterone related changes, but today I found two white hairs growing out of my face lol! Man I don’t want a white santa beard, I’m too young. I really need to shave, but my voice it still fairly girly I feel. I need to be in a good place in order to start and right now I’m just not in that place.

I’ve been really struggling with depression, anxiety and disassociation which has led to 3 occasions of self harm. I’ve been referred back to the community mental health team, not sure when I’ll be seen though.

The disassociation is probably down to the gender dysphoria and the disconnection between my body and my brain. I talk more about it in the video, its hard to explain and right now I’m really tired and feel really spacey, I’m trying hard to stay in the moment.

I feel like I’ve got a huge mountain to climb and I can’t do it… urgh. I’m over it.

Week 17 on T

^This weeks picture

^This weeks video

Peace out

Batman

Trying to survived in a messed up system

Where to even start?! I suppose I’ll start with the GP appointment I had on Friday.

I had written some notes down the night before so I could just hand it over to my new GP. It was hard to write as it made everything real, it made me feel vulnerable and exposed. I was already feeling vulnerable and exposed, because on Thursday I was open and honest with someone about how I was feeling and what has been going on and that was really difficult. But I felt heard and I felt cared about.

I walked over to my GP surgery, I hadn’t eaten anything so I was feeling dizzy and sick. I felt so anxious, but I had my notes I’d written down, I’d also brought some blog posts that I had printed out and my wellness journal. My new GP called me up to her room, she came across as quite abrupt, unemotional and not particularly empathetic. It didn’t make me want to open up to her, I just gave her the notes I had written and she read them.

She asked me what was the main problem at the moment.. um like everything! I started with the cellcept, I said to her I am not sorting it out with Southampton, I don’t have the capacity to at the moment, I can’t deal with anymore bullshit right now. It isn’t my responsibility to sort out funding for a medication that I take. They approved my last prescription, so I have two months worth but she didn’t seem like she was going to do anything about it. But whatever..I really don’t care.

She then asked me about my physical health and she examined me, I was so on edge I freaked out a bit when she wanted to listen to my chest. I don’t know why they can’t just do it on the top of my t-shirt and why docs have to actually put the stethoscope on my skin. Because she didn’t make me feel at ease, I was so freaking anxious, it was almost like I felt threatened. I really didn’t want her touching me, it felt so invasive. The weird thing is I am so used to having my chest listened too and never usually freak out.

As per she couldn’t really hear anything but said there was a slight wheeze, my temp was up slightly too and my throat was red. She said its viral but gave me a script for antibiotics anyway.

Finally got around to talk about my mental health, which was the main reason I was there. She asked me some questions but she was so cold about it, she asked me to show her my self harm! I out right refused! in all the years I’ve self harmed which is a really long time, not once have I ever been asked to show where I cut. I was so fucking shocked, she acted like she didn’t believe me. She asked me a few other questions, but I had just shut down by this point I could barely talk. She just didn’t really care and just referred me back to the community mental health team, although I don’t know how long I’m going to have to wait to see anyone… but whatever.

I left this appointment feeling worse then ever. I got home and just sat and cried.

Later on in the day I got an email to say my medical records where ready to pick up and that they would be £10 instead of £50. I walked back into town, got some money out and went back to the doctors. I asked to have a look at these so called ‘medical records’ before I paid for them. But what I found made me so fucking angry, upset and frustrated. These so called medical records, where just printed off from my online records, which I have already stated several times are inaccurate! and there are huge chunks of my medical history missing. Like WTF?! this isn’t what I asked for. There was a few letters in there but only a few and they only go back till last year… Non of these shitty online notes are detailed enough, they’re all coded entries. So will make no sense to anyone other then doctors! The surgery knew what I needed it for! Yes I can use the letters but I need way more evidence, its far too little. Last time was fucking horrific! and the main reason was due to lack of evidence, I don’t want to go through it all again. I can’t go through it all over again.

I was so upset, I was already feeling like total shit from the appointment with the GP in the morning, that I just couldn’t hold myself together and I started crying in the doctors reception, while the lady was sorting out a receipt for me. I decided to pay the £10 as I can use a couple of letters, she suggest I write what’s missing and book an appointment to see a doc to see if they can find what’s missing on my notes.. but that’s a waste of time. There’s huge chunks of stuff that’s missing, so I’m going to speak to patient advice liaison services and see if they can advise me on what to do next.

I am so emotionally drained, I don’t have an ounce of energy left to keep fighting for my life. I feel like I’m just fighting for my survival every day, getting by on a minimal amount of food, because I’m just not hungry. I wake up feeling anxious and lost, I go to bed feeling the same way, there maybe brief moments of relief in between.

I read my GP notes after my appointment, she wrote that I denied being suicidal… I didn’t deny anything because I’m not suicidal! I’m depressed and she writes that I said my cuts are superficial, which they are but to me she’s written it like she doesn’t believe me because I refused to show her. Anyway this is what she wrote.

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That’s it for now, I needed to get everything out of my head.

Peace out

Dyllan

 

Forever waiting – Massive catch up

Again it’s been just over a month since I last wrote anything about my exciting life lol, I’ve been struggling to write at the moment because my life is in a bit of a limbo and the benefits saga seems to be over shadowing everything else and the other stuff seems to be a lot of inconvenient bullshit, that occurs on a regular basis it seems at the moment. But like I said the benefits saga is the main concern and looks like it will be that way for another 3 months.

Whilst I am on the subject of benefits I may as well do a proper update of this ridiculous situation. So in my last post I said that the courts had gotten the appeal with all the information I sent and they were waiting to hear from the Department of Work and Pensions. It’s now 5 weeks later and I rang the courts up last week to see what was going on and they said it can take up to 12-17 weeks for a court date and I am on week 5, so I’ve possibly got to wait another 12 weeks or 3 months which makes it sound longer, just for a court date. September should be when I get a date but fuck knows when the date will be for, probably for 3 months after that, by September it will be 7 months since my money stopped but it all started back last September, when I got the form to fill out, December I had my face to face assessment, January they said no, February I did the mandatory reconsideration, last month I appealed that… and here I am yet again waiting. If I get a court date by September then it will be a year since this whole thing started and to be honest I’m surprised I’ve got through without self harming because it has been incredibly stressful, soul destroying and just utterly horrific. Having to do the appeals and write down all the things I cannot do or that I struggle to do, it has totally destroyed any confidence or self esteem I had about myself and has knocked me to the floor and I’ve been struggling to pick myself back up again. When I read the statistics about the people who have killed themselves because they’ve been deemed fit to work and are no longer entitled to disability benefits, I totally fucking understand why! I totally get it! I have felt so close to the edge and I’ve wanted to end it all several fucking times because I felt like I could just not do this any more. It does make you question the fact of well am I fit to work? Am I really this ill? Is it all just in my head? Even though the rational part of you knows you are ill and you are entitled to the benefits. It’s horrible questioning you’re entire life, whilst having to prove it to others who simply have no fucking clue. Right now this isn’t living it’s existing and everyone is entitled to a decent quality of life. I’m lucky that I have a few good friends who’ve helped me out with money, emotional support, love and just everything a great friendship is made of and I’m lucky to live in such a beautiful place, where I can sit by the water with my dogs just a stones throw from my house.

That nicely brings me onto the rest of my life and what I’ve been up too. I don’t feel like I’ve done a lot really and that’s mainly because everything I do something I have to then spend time recovering from it, which is frustrating to say the least because someone of my age shouldn’t have to rest and recover from activities that most people do without thinking. I’ve spent a lot of time with L and the boys either being here at mine or being at their place and as always its a good laugh but so exhausting, I honestly don’t know how she does it with all her problems too, big respect to her. L dyed my Mohawk blue 😀 and yeah it looks so awesome! I’ve also been regularly going to my groups and counselling, which at times has been hard because I have been so unmotivated and just so low but I’ve pushed myself through it all. Like I previously said I live a stones throw away from the sea and its such a beautiful place, when the weather is nice I could just stay out there forever. I’ve just been trying to maintain some sort of normality, which includes the odd treat for myself and the animals, its been the very rare occasion but I think we all to often forget the power of treating/pampering yourself has, whether it be ice cream, a facial, a holiday or a Lego set. Treating yourself isn’t something you should be ashamed of or guilty about, because lets face it no matter what walk of life you are from, life gets fucking hard and whoever you are, you should have enough self respect to say YES I deserve this. Yes I am on benefits but does it mean I am less worthy to treat myself then someone who works hard for their money? No! that’s what the media wants you to think with all there shit fucking shows about a small minority of people on benefits and they do not at all represent people like me, who have a well documented and real health condition that effects my daily life because they don’t want you to know about genuine people like myself, they have their own agenda and they just demonise everyone on benefits, which if you haven’t already guessed really grinds my fucking gears. Anyway that was off on a bit of a rant lol so back to what I was talking about, so yes I have continued to treat myself, obviously not as much as I did before as I’ve just not had the money but it has been an important part of keeping me going and keeping me sane. I’ve also taken a lot of time over the past month to just be by myself and not talking to anyone and that’s also been a vital part of getting through all this. Overall the last month has been good but the really low darkness is always there in the background, I’m just working really hard not to let it overpower me on a daily basis and I don’t think people appreciate just how hard it is, to battle with your own mind every second of every day, its exhausting. I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve been really low and struggling and I still feel low and I am still struggling and in all honestly without my lovely friends, my groups and counselling I probably wouldn’t be here right now. Besides I do not want to die as the person that isn’t my true self, I need to go through my journey to be the real me.

Moving on to my physical health, which as usual has been a bundle of fun…NOT! Where to start… I suppose I’ll start with my transition stuff as that is fairly straight forward because I am still waiting for my first appointment. But I am going to send them a letter with my new NHS number and ask if they know roughly when I should be hearing about my first appointment. To be honest right now I’m happy to be waiting for this for a few reasons, even though I’m desperate to get on my journey, I have other things in my life that need to be sorted before hand, ie money and meds, so its not really high on my list even though I want it so bad. Sometimes wants and needs differ and needs are more important. Last time I wrote about my knee and trying anti-inflammatory’s, I tried two and neither helped so two weeks ago today I had a steroid injection right into the joint and it has helped to a degree but it still keeps swelling up and hurting, it’s not as bad but still its not great. Also two weeks ago I started Gabapentin which is a anti-epileptic which is also used as pain relief. It seems to be working well along side my Tramadol but I am slowly lowering the Tramadol as my body is addicted to it and I want to see how well the Gabapentin works by itself. The other reason I want to come off the Tramadol is because I will need strong opiate based drugs after the surgeries I have throughout my transition. So I need to detox off it and hopefully when I need it in the future it will be more effective then it is right now. Oh my appetite is great since starting the Gabapentin, it has the same weight gaining effect as Quetiapine and I’ve put on 5lbs in two weeks. It does seem to be slowing down now and I’m not nearly as hungry as last week, I just couldn’t stop eating lol! I am being mindful of what and how much I am eating but it is hard. But to be honest I’m just glad I’m eating and its not a stressful thing. I’ve spoken to my GP about what’s happening with my referral to Southampton hospital and it’s basically down to my gender change…DO’H! So because I’ve changed my gender and title I effectively have become a whole new person, which is true but what happens is that all your medical history is deleted from the doctors system and your are put back on as a new patient, so what they are currently trying to do is get hold of the hard copy of my medical records in order to send to Southampton as they need to know everything before they see me. I certainly don’t remember everything that’s happened to me medically in the last 31 years because well its been loads lol. But yeah I’ve been assured that the practice manager is on it, I feel better now I know what’s happening but it is another thing that I am in limbo with. I swear I spend most of my time waiting for shit to get sorted out lol! Other then that not much has changed, still struggling with fatigue and not sleeping well but it is what it is, I wake up a few times a night sometimes and I just get up have a drink or a wee and sometimes I go straight back to sleep but sometimes I have to get up for a hour or so. I’m not stressing about this because my insomnia or painsomnia issues have been going on for so long now and I’ve tried everything to help me sleep through the night but its clearly not meant to be. I’m on long term Doxycycline at the moment so I’ve not caught any colds, although I have a bit of a chesty cough at the moment but that’s probably down to my sinus gunk dripping down to my chest, which ironically the Doxycycline is meant to help with…I feel its not working lol, my ENT app isn’t until next month so not much I can do or my GP can do right now.

Wow that’s a lot of stuff about me aha! I shall end on a update of my 4 four babies, who are all just in perfect health and are all amazing and are all helping me get through the darkest times and I am totally in love with them ❤

Ooh also here’s a few pics of us all

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^^ yeah boi I am 😀 haha

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^^ Me and Harvey on his 9th Birthday last week ❤

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^^ Me and my boo boo ❤

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^^ Harley doing a bit of yoga lol

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^^Marley moo

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^^ Mr Scrappy doodle

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^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

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^^ I love this place

Right that’s all from this boi, its taken me hours to write this, its very therapeutic though and I do feel calm and grounded.

Peace out Batman

 

 

Am I losing it? – Update on my life

It has been another 7 days since I last posted on here, mainly because my mood has been really low and I’ve not had the motivation to do anything and a bit because my situation hasn’t really changed much and I’m so fed up.

So what has been happening in my life in the past 7 days.. Not much lol, mostly because like I said I’ve been depressed and I’ve isolated myself. I tried to go to the group social on Thursday afternoon but it was just way too much and I could only stay for an hour, it was just too overwhelming. I think the fact I had meditated before I went was a factor as while it is good, it can also have a negative effect.

I found this picture and it really spoke to me, I love it and look at it every day.

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It made me think about my current situation and yes while it is very stressful and I am struggling to pay my bills etc. I can still have a good day, I can still do things that will make me happy and I’ve been trying to do that by making sure the housework and laundry is all done, making sure me and my fur babies have what we need and by making sure I don’t isolate myself too much, which is hard when I don’t have much money but a day out doesn’t need to cost much. So yeah I am trying to make the most out of a bad situation but I am also allowing myself to feel depressed, stressed and overwhelmed, I’m just not letting my emotions rule my day.

I saw my GP last week and he said I have fluid on my knee, so he gave me more anti-inflammatory meds to try. So far they haven’t helped too much but I shall see how it goes and if it still hurts then he will give me a steroid injection into my knee joint :/ ouch! I also asked about changing to Gabapentin for my pain as the tramadol isn’t working so much any more.

A big thing happened this week and that was I left a site that I have used for 6  years, I won’t name it but its for people with physical and mental health issues and for carers of people with physical and mental health issues. It has been a huge part of my life and it has been helpful but I felt I no longer have anything left to give the members of that community as most of them just want to be validation and don’t want to recover and some members are down right toxic and I will no longer tolerate people who make me out to be the bad person and I will not tolerate people manipulating me to feel bad for them and that site has one or two people like that. I feel I am on a different path now and I no longer need that sort of thing in my life, I am trying to get away from toxic people. It does feel weird as it was a big part of my life for so long and I am feeling a bit anxious about it but I know it’s for the best.

Update on benefits stuff – I got a letter to say the courts have my information I sent and now they are waiting for the Department of Work and Pensions to get back to them and then I will be sent a court date. I just want it over so bad, I am SO close to it being over, I just gotta hold on a little longer. People keep telling me I’m doing great but I feel like I am losing control and just totally losing my shit, I’m desperately trying to keep it together but its so freaking hard!

My appetite has gone again, what a fucking surprise lol. So I’ve just been grazing on whatever I fancy and I’m trying not to put so much pressure on myself. The belief is that I have to eat 3 proper meals a day, but is that really fact? Do I really have too? No I don’t because I’m an adult and I cannot force my body to do something it doesn’t want too do and it doesn’t want to eat regular meals. I think because all my life I have been forced to eat 3 meals a day and always been told that is what I need to do etc and its a hard to break that thought pattern.

But yeah I have lots of stuff to work through as usual and its hard man, like so hard! I think I need to possibly seek help for the PTSD due to my physical health diagnosis at a young age, I think its really causing me a lot of issues right now, with my mood and just stuff. I can’t explain it.

Feeling a little relaxed for having wrote this, although I feel really disconnected so I’m not sure if that shows in who I write this but yeah.

My Mr Scrappy Doodles is 2 years old today 🙂 We took the bus to the park, it was so nice out, the sun was out and it was lovely and warm. Scrappy had lots of fun swimming in the sea and playing fetch and Foxy just followed us around peeing on everything lol.

Here are some pics from today

Peace out

Batman

I AM DONE!

I’m tired and stressed, tired and stressed…oh wait I’m tired and stressed 😥

I’m just struggling with everything, struggling with money, struggling to manage myself and my emotions, struggling with everything.

I am stressed out to the eye balls with everything that my stomach isn’t taking it well.. I feel sick all the time, its so hard to eat anything because I just don’t feel like it because I am too stressed to eat. But if I don’t eat much I feel sick and ill..its a catch 22 situation once again!

So sick of fucking dealing with the same fucking situation around food and eating! No no scrap that I am sick of my fucking life as it stand right now. I fucking hate it! I hate myself, I hate my fucking life, I fucking HATE being ill. I just hate everything! I am sick of this bullshit. Just done!

DONE

Just one big vicious circle….

Ah what to write that is not along the same lines as what I have been writing so far this year and well last year… My life ladies and gentlemen is one HUGE vicious circle that I cannot stop and I fucking HATE! I don’t want to be in this circle any more! I want it to end NOW! 😦

Enough said right there ^^

I’m just SO over this all. Yet AGAIN I am on antibiotics for ANOTHER fucking sinus infection! Like I don’t suffer enough without this bs going on. Oh and I had a full on nose bleed last night..yeah it woke me up for like an hour :/ but felt much longer as all I wanted to do was sleep. Nose bleeds for me are a warning sign that something is wrong not that the Dr that saw me gave a fuck about anything I had to say, she just wanted to get me out the office and done with..

I am so sick of this fucking situation, I just want a break. Tomorrow I get to spend the day chasing people up and sorting shit out…Oh I cannot wait to do that! NOT! That in itself takes some much energy and emotional stress. I definitely need a secretary! I also need a sugar mumma Tongue Out that would make all this MUCH easier..but alas that is just a dream.

My life is right now is, antibiotics, other pills, chronic illness, chronic pain, low mood, benefits, phone calls, appointments, money worries…and it just goes around in a circle, the antibiotics finish and soon after the sinus infection comes right back again. I’m so sick of thinking about it, sick of this being my life! and as I am sat here writing this my nose is bleeding again..ffs! At least its not a heavy one but its still not a good sign, definitely think I am having a flare up right now.

I had to miss group again today, one because I had the doctors this morning and two because I just felt too ill to go anywhere. But I did get a call from My health My way, which is like a support place for people like me with chronic health issues. The lady was asking me for more details about me and my situation and said someone will contact me again, so that’s good. I hate missing group so much as its a lifeline of support and its not on next week due to annual staff leave..ah such bad timing but it is what it is I suppose.

Right now I am struggling to see any positivity or any hope that things will get better, or that I will get better. Its hard to keep my mood on a level as I’m standing on the edge of that black hole, my feet right over the edge, I have nothing to grab onto to stop me from falling in.

If my life were to be put on the scales then they would certainly look unbalanced and almost ready to topple over, I need something to help re-balance everything, but I don’t know what that would be or even look like. Everything just looks so bleak and black, like the colour has been drained out of my life. I certainly feel that if I were a colour I’d be black, mainly because that’s how I feel and because good days are extremely rare. Good days look like bright, colourful and happy, like purple, yellow, pink, orange, blue and other such wonderful colours, I miss good days, I hope I get one again soon.

I tried not to write about the same BS over and over but..well unfortunately my life is fucking BS right now and I have nothing else to talk about 😦

How do I feel right now? I feel tired, my body aches so much and I feel a bit low and empty.

I’m so glad I have the unconditional love of my 4 beautiful fur babies ❤

 and a picture of me 🙂

Peace out

Batman

Christmas chaos

Well it’s 2 weeks until Christmas eve and I am no where near organised for anything lol, like I just feel like I am just wandering around in a haze with no real direction at all… I need to get myself sorted but right now I feel too tired and ill to do anything.

Last year I was super organised, cards were sorted, shopping was done, tree was up. I was ready. I haven’t even got a tree at the moment, I don’t know who I still need to get presents for, I haven’t done any food shopping, like literally I have nothing. I have done NO cards because well I can’t be fucking bothered.

I am still finding my feet after this manic episode and I just have so much going on. I have so many appointments, group meals an stuff before Christmas and just not enough time to do it all. Plus I am currently suffering from a sinus infection so I feel so ill.

Going to try and get myself a bit more organised at the weekend, I need to look at the presents that I already have got and what I need to get. I need to get myself a new tree if I have the money. Going to write myself a shopping list, will get that delivered though as no way am I carrying it all. I also need to make sure the animals have everything they need as well. A lot of work goes into celebrating a few days. But until the new year everything is all over the place so I like to have everything I need to get by.

I’ve had a long difficult week with one thing or another, which hasn’t helped with the disorganisation and time has just slipped away as well, it’s gone incredibly fast. I do need to get my butt into gear and sort it out. I want to make sure I have another good Christmas and that takes a lot of work.

Oh I have the name of a specialist in Southampton hospital and I have left a message with my GP to ask him to refer me to him. So I am hoping this will be straight forward but it might not be but I can always hope that something in my life is straight forward lol.

I have written a letter to my family to cut ties with them, apart from my brother as our relationship is different because we are brothers. I am going to post it to my grandparents house for them to pass around. I can no longer carry around the anger and the emotional baggage they bring into my life. It needs to be done and this year I have built up my friendship circle and they are now my family. Family isn’t always blood. I feel better for having written it, I can’t wait for this part of my life to be over with, so I can let go of the anger and move on. I am fed up with all the fakeness the holidays bring, I can’t fake my way through another Christmas. It’s a big scary step but I know that this ultimately is for the best.

Still not sleeping amazing, still waking up at least once. But I’m not waking up for that long and I am dealing with it. It is slowly getting better and I am definitely on the right track 🙂

I have altered my routine a little bit, I go on the laptop earlier in the evening so I have more time to watch a film or play on my ps3 and I am not spending as much time online as I did and I am finding I mentally feel less drained..not the right words but can’t find the words to explain it. Or I go on my laptop in the day, so I can chill in the evening.

My appetite is better but that’s because I’m still on 50mgs of Quetiapine. Even though I am hungry I struggle to eat, sometimes I try not to gag when I’m eating sometimes. But I carry on because I’m hungry and I need to eat. I just try and ignore it and enjoy eating, it’s hard but I need to gain a better relationship with food. I’m not forcing myself to eat though as I know that will make it worse, I just take my time to eat.

Transition stuff is ok I guess, still get misgenered like all the time which is really getting me down now but not much I can do about it :/ it’s just really frustrating.

Think that’s all that’s happening in my lil crazy life

Peace out

Batman