trauma

This lockdown has been kinda good for one thing its allowed old wounds and pains to surface and its made me face the reality of the route cause of this pain that’s been there forever.

I’ve had counselling and different therapies since I was 15 years old on and off over the years and I’ve always skirted around this issue, cuz its painful and embarrassing to admit and as I’ve gotten older its got harder.

I find it super hard to be vulnerable and honest with myself let alone anyone else. But today I was able to verbalise it, which was very uncomfortable.

My parents divorced when I was 15 and my memories from around that time are patchy. It was a pretty traumatic experience and the years running up to that weren’t that great either and again memories are patchy.

For some that may not be seen as a traumatic event but for me it was and my mental health wasn’t great before it happened as I started self harming when I was around 9/10 years old. I can’t explain why I started self harming as again memories are fractured, not in order or missing completely.

I was an extremely anxious and extremely shy as a little kid, I struggled to make friends, I always felt left out and I still feel the same now at the age of 35 years old.

I think as you get older you tend to romanticise what your childhood was like, with me I don’t remember much at all. But I remember what it made me feel, what I felt then is what I feel now. No matter how hard I try to heal, to move forward. I am always dragged back to how I felt at the age of 15 years old.

I still feel like a little kid standing in a room full of adults trying to be seen and heard, I feel like I don’t exist, I feel alone, intense loneliness, I feel so sad, I’m in so much pain, I feel lost, I feel scared, I feel numb, I feel unloved and unlovable, I feel unwanted.

I can’t keep bleeding over the same thing, hurting over the same thing. It’s just too hard, too painful.

I feel so left out, everyone has their circle of friends and I’m standing way on the sidelines, waiting to be seen and heard, waiting for the scraps, waiting to have my existence remembered. I can’t do it anymore.

I’ve not hit any expected adult mile stones, I’ve never been in a long term relationships, I’ve never lived with anyone, I’ve never been engaged, married, I don’t have kids, never had a long term employment (mainly due to my physical health) 1 long term friendship which I no longer have. I don’t have kids, don’t own my place and never have. Never travelled anywhere, never done anything.

I feel like I’ve missed out on so much because of this trauma that hides inside me and seems to have such a strong hold over me. I end up bleeding on everyone around me and no one wants to deal with that. But I don’t mean too, I try so hard but doesn’t seem to be working. But I’m just a traumatise kid inside.

I’m so exhausted, so tired of trying, tired of feeling this pain, tired of fighting to be seen and heard, tired of existing. I’m tired of looking after myself, tired of acting like I’m a grown up when really I maybe 35 but emotionally, socially etc I’m still just a 15 year old kid inside. It exhausting trying to pretend I’m ok when I’m not.

This is hard

Peace out

Zak

Counselling sessions

After 14 sessions, 14 hours I have finished my counselling sessions, with the lovely Scania Price.

I’m glad I was encouraged to find a private counsellor, I’m so pleased I found Scania as I got a lot out of my 14 sessions. It was different from what I have experienced before and its exactly what I needed at this time and I will definitely go back to her if I need to (probably will need too at some point) I have totally accepted now that its cool to need extra help, at whatever age, for whatever issue. Life is hard and sometimes I just find it so exhausting and so overwhelming, I just can’t do it on my own, I need a safe place to talk stuff through and work through stuff.

Before I started counselling, I had gotten myself to a certain point but there was still stuff I needed to untangle and I felt a bit stuck. I couldn’t move myself forward and I didn’t really have many people to sit and talk stuff through with and I struggle to talk about really deep personal stuff with people, as I struggle to trust others fully to reveal the true me. It takes someone special to get me to open up. I am the master of holding back and only saying snippets of things and not really digging much deeper then what I am willing to share.

I think that’s what’s hindered me in many ways, I think a lot of time I resist how I feel, I don’t just feel things, I fight it. I’m not truthful and honest with myself let alone other people. I struggle to always connect with myself, so often don’t check in with myself and how I’m feeling. But I am trying my best to check in with how I feel, speak my truth, say how I feel. I know I need to start trusting people, I need to try and accept that getting hurt is apart of being human and apart of having friends and family. I think I really avoid getting hurt, so I just withdraw from everything, but by trying to avoid the bad I’m also not letting the good in.

Counselling helped me untangle myself from a previous relationship that I was still getting over and untangle myself from friendships I was no longer in and these things were the main things I was really struggling with. I’d lost myself over the years in these friendships, I’d been chipped away at, I had no boundaries with people, I let people walk over me, I felt weak, I felt silenced, I felt used, I felt lonely, I felt unlovable.. the list goes on. I have started creating boundaries, I know what I will and wont tolerate, I feel stronger, I know I have a voice that I need to use more often. I feel less lonely, I just feel better. I know where I stand.

I feel like in my sessions I was able to be raw and honest and dig deeper then I’ve done before. I feel like I understand myself a bit better, I know I’m still in the process of rediscovering myself but that’s cool.

Even though I’m still feeling a little depressed although its not everyday, it comes in waves. Some days it will be a big wave and it will swipe me off my feet, but other days its a small wave and I’m still standing. I just think that’s the nature of having chronic depression and a chronic illness, as they both have a knock on effect on one another. I am in a much better place then I was in November.

It’s been 2 weeks since my last counselling session and it does feel a bit weird, it has been a bit overwhelming. I liked the routine of having a set time to get all the stuff out I needed too. I’ve been a bit all over the place, but I think I had a bit of the birthday blues, which threw me off. I’m just starting to get myself back together lol.

If anyone is thinking about seeking help, whether that be through the NHS, or privately please do it. Talking does help, no matter how old you are, what the problem is. If you’re feeling shitty, feeling suck and need a little help there is absolutely no shame in seeking what you need. It does not make you weak or less then. It makes you stronger because you are getting your needs met, you are looking after yourself.

I’m feeling tired right now and struggling to remember stuff and concentrate so this feels like its really disconnected and disjointed as I write this. I think its all I have to say, I can’t express enough about how much this round of counselling has helped me. I’m still dealing with stuff but who isn’t, that’s life right.

I was going to write another blog, but I need to sleep and come back tomorrow.

Peace out

Zak

How do I move forward?

I just wrote a whole fucking post that didn’t save! because my internet went down! I am so pissed! I poured my soul out and now its fucking gone! Hopefully I can rewrite it, as I need to get this shit out.

Even stupid shit like what just happened makes me so angry and frustrated and my reaction is probably an over reaction, but when nothing feels like it ever goes right, every small thing that goes wrong feels like a massive failure. It feels like such a childish reaction, there’s so much sadness, anger and frustration bubbling under the surface.

I feel like the last 2/3 years I’ve been stuck and I’ve tried so hard to move forward and keep going but nothing I do seems to work, or seems to be enough. I’m still stuck in the same place, I’ve been left behind by life and everyone in it.

I feel like once I fulfilled my role/need in someones life, then I am no longer needed/wanted. Not all cases are the same, some will just continue to use me for their own gains, but I’ve wised up to that and I will remove myself from those friendships. But that seems to be the only thing that’s changed. No one seems to stay around too long, no one seems to remember me unless I put myself out there. This is just the story of my life, I’ve always struggled to make friends, I’m so tired of trying and failing, so tired of being lonely. Tired of trying my best to break this cycle and it never being good enough.

I feel like I’ve lost myself, I’ve tried my best to fit in, I’ve changed my style in order to try and look my age, rather then looking like a kid. Although I still feel like a lost little kid inside. I’ve tried to be what others have wanted me to be, but I’ve seem to have totally lost myself in the process. In trying to fit in I’ve just made myself invisible, lost who I am along the way, how do you even find who you are? I’m no longer being my authentic self, but I don’t know who that is anymore.

I think being in a relationship last year with someone a little older then me didn’t help, I wanted so much for it to work, I wanted so much to be loved, that I just tried too hard, I lost myself in trying to make someone else happy, I tried so hard to be what they needed me to be, it still wasn’t enough. I felt like I had lost everything, I’d lost the relationship and I’d lost myself, although I think I was already loosing my sense of self beforehand. It’s been a year and I’m still struggling with this, I’m still not over it. Stupid right? I’m 34 and never been in a relationship longer then 7 months. I can’t even keep someone for a whole year. I feel like such a loser! although I can’t even keep friends, so I’m never going to be able to keep a relationship.

Will it always be this way? Will I always feel like this? It is time to just stop trying? I just feel so sad all the time, but I still smile because lets face it, who wants to be around someone who’s always so sad all the time? I don’t really remember a time when I didn’t feel this intense sadness that I hold inside, not even when I was young, not teenage years, not my 20’s nor my 30’s. I’ve tried so hard to pretend to be happy, to just get on with trying to live, but I always end up just trying to survive.

When is my time to shine? when is it my time to be happy? When will I have friends? When will I be loved? So much self pity, victim shit! Urgh even I hate myself and my thought processes. So much wallowing is self pity, I’m drowning in it, this whole post reeks of it. But its unfortunately where I’m at right in this moment.

I’m totally stuck, I have no idea how to move forward, how to get myself out of this cycle. I went back to the mental health team and I saw my psychiatrist this week and it didn’t really fill me with hope, it just felt like a step back. I don’t feel like its the place that’s going to help me. I mean I’ve been under them for over 10 years and they’ve only helped so much. It didn’t quite feel right being there, I feel like I’m not going to get what I need from there. Although I’m not sure exactly what it is I need, I just feel its not going to be found in that particular system.

There’s so much I hold inside, good and bad, I can’t seem to let any of it go, let any of it out. I’ve been through so much pain and trauma in my life and its all trapped inside, every hurt, every bad word said, every embarrassing moment, every trauma, stuck inside causing this deep sadness and pain. Causing me to stand in my own way, stopping myself from moving forward.

Maybe one day it will be better, maybe one day I can let all the past pains go, maybe one day I can move forward. Maybe one day it will be my time.

Peace out

Zak

*Insert*Title*Here*

I don’t often write in between my weekly transition blogs, but I feel like I needed to write today, I got things I just need to get out and maybe it will help me make sense of everything.

It’s probably gonna come out a bit all over the place and scattered, but that’s how my brain is feeling at the moment. It probably won’t be strictly transition related but a bit of everything that happening in my life at the moment, so transition, physical health, mental health, family etc…

I can’t even remember the last time I just wrote a regular blog entry, must have been a while ago now.

I literally don’t know where to even start… Ok I’ll start with the good stuff going on, so I can get into the flow of things and unpick my brain as I go along.

My name change is all official now, which is really awesome and feels so good. I am now legally Mr Zak Dyllan Mills! Woohoo! I’ve already changed it at the bank and the doctors and I’ve written some letters too, they just need posting. It just feels really right and just the next part of my transition, I feel much more like me now. Which probably sounds weird as its just a name but for me a name is quite an important part of my identity and how the world views me and how I view myself. So yeah feeling pretty awesome about that.

Last Sunday my new little nephew Alex came into the world, weighing in at 9lbs 3! the lil fatty lol but he’s so damn cute. I already had cuddles on Tuesday with him, he was just so content just laying on my lap fast asleep, he’s so chill. Proud uncle to 3 nephews, which is insane! the eldest will be 9 this year, its just flown by so fast. I absolutely adore all of them.

Physical health hasn’t really been too great this year, I’ve had infection after infection. Over the new years I kept getting nose bleeds, I then had a sinus infection, then last month I had a ear infection and at the moment I’ve had a chest infection for about 3 weeks and I’ve had lots of really bad nose bleeds as well. So I’m not sure what’s really going on, but I went to Southampton hospital this week and he took some blood to see what was happening. As he didn’t want to up the cellcept and make me more immuo-suppressed just in case its just been back luck that I’ve been getting ill and not due to my Churg Strauss Syndrome playing up, but he can’t tell until he gets the results. I’m hoping I’ll hear about the results soon and I’mm also kind of hoping its just been a bad run of luck getting ill and nothing more serious then that. But when nose bleeds are involved I know its more likely to be my condition as nose bleeds were one of my first ever symptoms. I’ll just have to see what happens with all this… I am hoping its nothing serious, I’d rather not up any medication if I don’t have too.

My mental health has been a bit of a mixture recently, its been quite difficult to deal with and I know its made me a bit harder to be around as well. Its not really been the bipolar that I’ve been struggling to control, although fighting with the depression and bad thoughts some days seems like the easy part of it all. I’ve been really struggling with the gender dysphoria, it hits so hard and its overwhelming and intense beyond words. The slightest thing can kick it off and I feel like I have zero control over it, which in itself is kinda frustrating and a bit scary.

Its my chest that is causing all the distress, anxiety and stress. I want top surgery so bad. I’ve never liked my chest, its always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. When the dysphoria hits, I feel so detached, I feel like a ghost, I just want to be as far away from myself and my body as I can get, so I just disassociate but then I find it hard to get back in my body again. It really effects my mood, it makes me feel so depressed and really agitated because I’m not comfortable in my skin, because it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, its never really belonged to me. I know I have to do some work around acceptance of self etc, as I know surgery will not fix all the emotional stuff but it will ease it. But right now that seems like a big thing to work on by myself.

I’m already starting to stress about summer and the warmer weather, as I get hot easily so it wont be as easy to cover up while remaining comfortable. I’m already aware that its gonna cause me a huge deal of stress and anxiety and it may make me less likely to go out far, I’m already anticipating how I’m going to feel, be etc… So I don’t know how I’m going to handle that and get through it.

Not being able to bind my chest makes it all the worse, I think maybe if I could bind that would take a bit of anxiety and stress out of it, I’ve been still trying on the high impact sports bras as they were the most comfortable out of everything I tried but its still not comfortable enough, especially with my chest problems I experience anyway. Its just so fucking frustrating! and doesn’t seem to be getting any easier to deal with, but the longer I’m on T the worse its getting to deal with and most days I feel pretty agitated and anxious. Its not so bad if I’m just at home and not really going anywhere, but as soon as I’ve got to go out for any period of time, especially on my own then I feel so self conscious, agitated and anxious.

I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo, like life can’t move forward right now and I know I’ve stopped moving forward, I wouldn’t know where to go now anyway. I just feel stuck, waiting for life to start again but I can’t find the button. I know I shouldn’t be waiting for top surgery but that’s what it feels like, I feel like after that then my life can start going again, where too I don’t know. I know my life can be better then it is right now, but I don’t know where I’m going, what I want, what direction, what I should or shouldn’t be doing… I’m in a rut and I hate it. Desperately trying to find things that make me really happy and not much is making me as happy as before. I mean I’m not totally unhappy, but I know things can and should be better, I just lost the drive to find it, I feel lost.

Ok… so maybe I needed to write this a more then I really realised but feels good to get it all out, I can breathe now. Been feeling mostly ok today, as I’ve stayed close to home, I’ve only been out to take the dogs for a run. Have felt so so tired today, I’ve just been chilling and looking after myself. I also finished writing out my ESA forms, I just need to get my paperwork together and then Monday I can post it all off recorded delivery, so they can’t say they didn’t get it. But I’ll sort that out on Monday I think, gonna spend the rest of the weekend just relaxing and looking after myself.

That’s it for now, am getting hungry…bloody steroids lol! Gonna go cook myself some food, although I’d really love a take away but money is low.. so cooking it is lol!

Peace out

Zak

Benefits SUCK…continued..

WOW my previous post was rather positive at the end lol, I always seem to be able to be positive, I have NO idea where/why or how I continue. Like seriously how how do I do this?! I really don’t get it, I suppose it’s because I don’t have a choice. Well I do but then I would die a female and I don’t want that. So I am sort of stuck..stuck with this body that is wrong for so many fucking reasons, stuck with this bullshit government for the next 4 years. Being in this limbo is horrible, it’s the worst place ever. Definitely feel like I am stuck in some kind of purgatory right now. It’s like I am screaming as loud as I can but no one can hear me, it’s horrible.

I have had even more fucking shit news and have been screwed over YET again my that cock at number 10 Mr Cameron! My money has been cut AGAIN! So yeah I’m screwed… and I have to appeal this as well. Although I am not going to attempt to ring anyone or whatever until Monday because I just cannot deal with it right now and I want to enjoy the rest of the week and weekend. Plus I need the anger to subside otherwise nothing will productive will come out of my brain or my mouth lol.

I just cannot believe that as someone with all the health issues that I have, that I have to appeal to get money to live on because I am unable to work. It is beyond disgusting and I didn’t think I would have any issues with this at all and I did keep thinking maybe I was just being cocky…and yes it proves that I was! But seriously it’s disgusting and people who are even sicker then me are being denied benefits! It’s outrageous! It’s sick that in this world right now, unless you are elite you simply don’t matter. We are just their little pawns in all of this.

I could write pages and pages about how I HATE this world right now, there are parts of the world I love, I love the progress the LGBT community has made even in the last year and many other communities. But I hate what this world has become, maybe because I now am seeing the worlds through an adults eyes and because I believe I am awakened and I see what is going on, I see through what is put out by the media, I see through all the propaganda. I have learnt not to trust everything I read or even see in the news. I have learnt to question everything because of how the world is right now. I want to see this world as a child again, it was less scary, less depressing, less hopeless.

So how am I feeling…I am stressed, really fucking stressed. But right this second I am trying really hard to be mindful and to stay in the moment because right this second I cannot do anything about my situation about my benefits and I’m not going to until Monday because I want to enjoy the rest of the week and weekend and reboot for the fight that I have on my hands.

I’m still fighting a sinus infection too, that I’ve had since well forever it feels like. Yesterday all I could do was sleep, I was just so exhausted and so achy and I felt so weak, feeble and helpless, that sleep was pretty much the only option. I ached that much I had to go back to bed and not on the sofa like I usually do for a nap, as I needed something to support my joints a bit more. I see my GP tomorrow and I am going to ask him to refer me back to ears nose and throat. Something is obviously going on, that is beyond the help of antibiotics alone. I’ve had 3 weeks worth so far and they’ve not touched it.. I think I needed my sinuses cleared out again, it’s been a few years since that was last done.

Actually I have a hospital appointment on Monday for thoracic medicine, this hospital currently has an our break of the norovirus. This is raging through the wards and they have actually shut wards down because of it. I always get paranoid going to hospitals when they have an outbreak of anything, even though I won’t be going to the wards I will still be in the building. Anyway I will also be able to talk to this doc about my sinus issues and see if he can help or suggest anything.

I have one bit of awesome news today though and that’s M from Mindout asked me if I wanted to be a volunteer at the Bournemouth group as well as the Weymouth group 🙂 I obviously accepted because I love being part of that group and I love being able to share my experience and the things I have learned that have helped me. Although this means I have to be really nice to everyone even if I feel like I want to punch them in the face….I don’t feel like that really.. 😉 lol! No it’s cool and will be good fun and I think my first session I will be taking will be about mindfulness. M does have a knack for making me cry…I don’t know what it is, out of all the counsellors, therapists and even friends and partners, I do not cry in front of ANYONE. But I have now cried twice, proper bawling my eyes out, with snot and everything! Just rudeness lol, but I never feel embarrassed or stupid. It’s weird… maybe its cuz I know she won’t hug me, or try and make it better and she just lets me be. I don’t know how to explain it or why it’s happened twice now. But crying for me is an massive issue, like it’s just not something I do and if I do, then I cry alone and don’t tell anyone about it. Stiff upper lip and all that British-ness..lol and manliness lol.

My head is hurting now as are my joints, so I need to wrap this up and get myself into bed so I can rest enough to deal with another day. Actually tomorrow isn’t that awful, the pups have the groomers in the morning and then I have to doctors in late afternoon.

My beautiful Foxy girl is 4 years old today 🙂 She got a new laser pen, which all 4 of them love and on Saturday she is having a party with her doggy friends…I know some would think its a bit sad but I do not care!

 Foxy with her new bandanda 🙂

Peace out

Batman

Stuck

It’s been nearly a whole week since I have sat down to write properly, I usually like sitting down to write but this past week I’ve either been too tired or I’ve just not felt like it. I’m only writing tonight because I’m not feeling too good at the moment, mood has crashed and my dark passenger is walking near. I’m struggling.

Hmm quick catch up I suppose…

Saturday – I had Leo for most of the day, L and the boy’s came down in the afternoon and we all went to a little park near me and spent the afternoon there. My bro picked up Leo and stayed at the park for a bit. L fed the boys at mine before heading home. Just chilled in the evening.

Sunday – Slept until midday, I definitely needed it. Had a shower and got myself ready, spent the afternoon at my brothers, had dinner, played Lego with Jack. Had a good time. Chilled out in the evening.

Monday – I chilled out, cleaned the flat, spent 3 hours colouring in my new adult colouring book, went to the trans* group social in the evening, which was good.

Tuesday – Had a boys day with Harvey, spoilt him a bit but had good fun hanging out with him. Chilled in the evening.

Wednesday –  Didn’t get much sleep because I was so sore and achy. Woke up feeling like utter crap. So just stayed in and slept. I did manage to clean up a bit.

Back to today Thursday – Actually slept ok-ish last night, was up at 7 am did the usual morning things, was out by just gone 9 am. M picked me up to take me to a meeting for Mindout. Meeting went ok. Met L and the boy’s for a bit before group.

Group was good, had some commissioner people come in wanting to know what we thought about the mental health services, as they know it’s flawed to say the least. It was SOOOO good to be able to get it all off my chest and there will be a opportunity to help reform the mental health services, which I really want to do because it is so flawed and people have died as a result.

Met L and the boys for a bit after group. I headed home, got dinner on the way as I’d forgotten to put my dinner in the slow cooker before I left this morning.

Just been relaxing this evening, tried to do some colouring, couldn’t really get into it though, so gave up and started on this instead. Going to get to bed after this, I feel that crap that the best thing I can do is just go to bed.

I found out today that a fellow blogger died over a year ago now. She’s been on my mind in that time but for some reason today she was more so and I read the comments on her last blog and yeah a few people wrote R.I.P and stuff. She had bipolar but was very tormented by the loss of her baby and she never ever came back from that trauma. In some way I’m pleased she’s now no longer in the awful awful pain she was in every day, but just so so sad that nothing helped. No amount of medication, therapy, counselling etc, nothing helped her move on. I just hope that now she’s at peace with her baby boy ❤

My health has been it’s usual crap this week, been really achy, really sore leg muscles, felt a bit sick a few times, really tired. Usual shit, I can’t wait for my appointment with my new bone doc next week. I want off this fucking methotrextate, I want my condition to be looked at again and look into either another diagnosis or whatever. I just want some fucking answers as to why this yr has been so shit and I’ve gone down hill. I think this is part of where my anger is coming from.

Mentally not been doing great, just been faking it really because I’ve worked so hard to get to two yrs self harm free and to be as stable as I have been and I really don’t want it all to fuck up now. Because I will fucking hate myself for it and I will be so disappointed in myself and if I do cut, if I do fall to pieces it will be like starting all over again from the start and I just haven’t got the strength to do that. But neither can I carry on like this. I don’t know what to do. I’m irritable and angry, they are BIG warning signs that something is going to kick off. Like FUCK do I want to up the fucking quetiapine! I HATE THAT SHIT! I’m stuck. I don’t know how to get this all out without it being totally destructive. Constructive ways feel like it’s not getting it all out properly and it feels trapped. I feel trapped. But good old me has got this because I fucking have too!

I’m fucking done, I need to go to sleep

Peace out