2018 – What a year!!!

Yet another year is nearly over and 2019 is just on the horizon.

Its been another year full of ups and downs and for the most part its been an absolutely incredible time.

March was probably the most eventful months of this year, I got snowed in on my birthday due to storm beast from the east, two weeks after my birthday my 3rd nephew came into the world, I changed my name to Zak and the end of March was when I started a relationship with someone I’d been getting to know for a few months.

That was the start of an incredible 7 months and despite how things have ended I wouldn’t change a single thing.

The summer weather definitely made up for the freezing cold, snowy March. Summer was crazy hot! For months! And England qualified for the semifinals for the first time in forever!

I applied for and got my first passport in this millennium! My last passport ran out 14 years ago! I now have valid ID… which I’ve not needed yet 😂

I took my partner and my dogs on my first holiday in 10 years. We went to Dawlish in Devon, it’s such a beautiful part of the country. It was so nice to get away and that’s probably where I knew I was in love with this lovely human being.

Then came the Eminem concert at Twickenham stadium with my best friend. It was such an incredible experience, once in a lifetime opportunity! Just amazing.

End of July I had my first consultation for top surgery! Which is great!! I’ve picked a surgeon, I just need to chase up about a second appointment.

Towards the end of the summer, my partner and I went to Rize Festival in Chelmsford, which was an amazing experience as I’d never been to a festival before. It was insane! But so much fun, we saw some amazing artists like Rita Ora, Manic street preachers, Rag n bone man, James bay, Bastille many others. But my favourite by far was seeing Plan B! He was on fire! I definitely want to go to another festival again!!

In September I did something that made me hugely anxious but I braved it and I’m glad I did. I went to London, to a spiritual channeling to meet my beautiful, wonderful friend Pamela in real life. We’ve known each other for 10 years + but we’d never actually met. But when we met all my anxiety left, it felt like we’d known each other forever, I so didn’t want to let her go. I’m so pleased I went, it was amazing and just what I needed.

Towards the end of September, things sort of unravelled but that’s life. Things ended with my partner, mainly because I know exactly what I want and they were unsure. No point either of us wasting each other’s time, but we’re still friends, we still talk, even though sometimes I find it hard, I’m grateful we still talk.

We had an incredible 6 months together, made amazing memories together and despite what happened those things will never change. We will always have those memories together.

Sometime in the summer I quit my volunteer work, I was no longer getting anything from it and felt like I wasn’t being treated fairly and felt like my mental health was used against me and I was just surrounded by toxic people which is never good for anyone.

But I now volunteer at pause cat cafe as a cat care person, which basically means I make sure all 12 cats are happy and healthy, fed on time, clean up behind them and obviously have lots of snuggles and play time. It’s good fun 🙂

As in previous posts I’ll be starting the new year without certain people who I’ve removed from my life, which is good but scary, as I feel like I don’t really have anyone.

Anyway here’s to another year, I don’t know what’s in store but we’ll see.

^ what a difference a year makes

Peace out

Zak

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I don’t often write in between my weekly transition blogs, but I feel like I needed to write today, I got things I just need to get out and maybe it will help me make sense of everything.

It’s probably gonna come out a bit all over the place and scattered, but that’s how my brain is feeling at the moment. It probably won’t be strictly transition related but a bit of everything that happening in my life at the moment, so transition, physical health, mental health, family etc…

I can’t even remember the last time I just wrote a regular blog entry, must have been a while ago now.

I literally don’t know where to even start… Ok I’ll start with the good stuff going on, so I can get into the flow of things and unpick my brain as I go along.

My name change is all official now, which is really awesome and feels so good. I am now legally Mr Zak Dyllan Mills! Woohoo! I’ve already changed it at the bank and the doctors and I’ve written some letters too, they just need posting. It just feels really right and just the next part of my transition, I feel much more like me now. Which probably sounds weird as its just a name but for me a name is quite an important part of my identity and how the world views me and how I view myself. So yeah feeling pretty awesome about that.

Last Sunday my new little nephew Alex came into the world, weighing in at 9lbs 3! the lil fatty lol but he’s so damn cute. I already had cuddles on Tuesday with him, he was just so content just laying on my lap fast asleep, he’s so chill. Proud uncle to 3 nephews, which is insane! the eldest will be 9 this year, its just flown by so fast. I absolutely adore all of them.

Physical health hasn’t really been too great this year, I’ve had infection after infection. Over the new years I kept getting nose bleeds, I then had a sinus infection, then last month I had a ear infection and at the moment I’ve had a chest infection for about 3 weeks and I’ve had lots of really bad nose bleeds as well. So I’m not sure what’s really going on, but I went to Southampton hospital this week and he took some blood to see what was happening. As he didn’t want to up the cellcept and make me more immuo-suppressed just in case its just been back luck that I’ve been getting ill and not due to my Churg Strauss Syndrome playing up, but he can’t tell until he gets the results. I’m hoping I’ll hear about the results soon and I’mm also kind of hoping its just been a bad run of luck getting ill and nothing more serious then that. But when nose bleeds are involved I know its more likely to be my condition as nose bleeds were one of my first ever symptoms. I’ll just have to see what happens with all this… I am hoping its nothing serious, I’d rather not up any medication if I don’t have too.

My mental health has been a bit of a mixture recently, its been quite difficult to deal with and I know its made me a bit harder to be around as well. Its not really been the bipolar that I’ve been struggling to control, although fighting with the depression and bad thoughts some days seems like the easy part of it all. I’ve been really struggling with the gender dysphoria, it hits so hard and its overwhelming and intense beyond words. The slightest thing can kick it off and I feel like I have zero control over it, which in itself is kinda frustrating and a bit scary.

Its my chest that is causing all the distress, anxiety and stress. I want top surgery so bad. I’ve never liked my chest, its always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. When the dysphoria hits, I feel so detached, I feel like a ghost, I just want to be as far away from myself and my body as I can get, so I just disassociate but then I find it hard to get back in my body again. It really effects my mood, it makes me feel so depressed and really agitated because I’m not comfortable in my skin, because it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, its never really belonged to me. I know I have to do some work around acceptance of self etc, as I know surgery will not fix all the emotional stuff but it will ease it. But right now that seems like a big thing to work on by myself.

I’m already starting to stress about summer and the warmer weather, as I get hot easily so it wont be as easy to cover up while remaining comfortable. I’m already aware that its gonna cause me a huge deal of stress and anxiety and it may make me less likely to go out far, I’m already anticipating how I’m going to feel, be etc… So I don’t know how I’m going to handle that and get through it.

Not being able to bind my chest makes it all the worse, I think maybe if I could bind that would take a bit of anxiety and stress out of it, I’ve been still trying on the high impact sports bras as they were the most comfortable out of everything I tried but its still not comfortable enough, especially with my chest problems I experience anyway. Its just so fucking frustrating! and doesn’t seem to be getting any easier to deal with, but the longer I’m on T the worse its getting to deal with and most days I feel pretty agitated and anxious. Its not so bad if I’m just at home and not really going anywhere, but as soon as I’ve got to go out for any period of time, especially on my own then I feel so self conscious, agitated and anxious.

I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo, like life can’t move forward right now and I know I’ve stopped moving forward, I wouldn’t know where to go now anyway. I just feel stuck, waiting for life to start again but I can’t find the button. I know I shouldn’t be waiting for top surgery but that’s what it feels like, I feel like after that then my life can start going again, where too I don’t know. I know my life can be better then it is right now, but I don’t know where I’m going, what I want, what direction, what I should or shouldn’t be doing… I’m in a rut and I hate it. Desperately trying to find things that make me really happy and not much is making me as happy as before. I mean I’m not totally unhappy, but I know things can and should be better, I just lost the drive to find it, I feel lost.

Ok… so maybe I needed to write this a more then I really realised but feels good to get it all out, I can breathe now. Been feeling mostly ok today, as I’ve stayed close to home, I’ve only been out to take the dogs for a run. Have felt so so tired today, I’ve just been chilling and looking after myself. I also finished writing out my ESA forms, I just need to get my paperwork together and then Monday I can post it all off recorded delivery, so they can’t say they didn’t get it. But I’ll sort that out on Monday I think, gonna spend the rest of the weekend just relaxing and looking after myself.

That’s it for now, am getting hungry…bloody steroids lol! Gonna go cook myself some food, although I’d really love a take away but money is low.. so cooking it is lol!

Peace out

Zak

I hate this broken body of mine

Where to start? I don’t even know right now, I’m tired as usual and not feeling too well again. I’m so fed up of this, I just want to feel better for a little bit.

Woke up today feeling even worse then I did yesterday, everything hurt from head to toe and still does now. My chest felt/feels tight but inhalers haven’t helped.

I took nearly an hour just to get showered and dressed because I kept having to sit and rest in between doing anything.

Despite feeling ill and exhausted, I managed to get myself out and on a bus to group (Mindout LGBT mental health group) http://www.dorsetmind.org.uk/

I’m glad I went, it was a good group and I found it helpful to vent all the stresses that are in my life right now, which is quite a few. I also sorted out taking subs and helped someone with some forms we were filling out. Which made me feel capable, useful and helpful and like I have a purpose, well at least for a bit.

Group took it out of me though, by the time I got home my head was pounding, my ears were hurting and just every inch of me hurt. I took some sumatriptan to help with my head, I couldn’t take anything else for my joint pain.

I took the pups across the road for 10 mins and took a ball over to play with scrappy 🙂 He loves playing fetch so much and it makes me happy watching him play and my little princess foxy just tags along trying to catch up with her brother. I love these two so so much and I am hoping to feel well enough to take them for a proper walk tomorrow, as I’ve not been able to take them out for a proper walk for about a week now, so they need one.

So glad I had dinner already made, so just had to microwave it. A day like today is why I have dinners ready made, because I just don’t have the energy to cook, even with my stool in the kitchen.

Haven’t done much this evening, just been relaxing and resting. I did paint two more boxes, one purple and one with a green base that’s going to have blue sides, so it looks like outdoors. I have a new mini figure of a janitor guy with a mop, so I am going to place him on my kitchen floor, with a spot of green paint to look like sick, gross I know lol! But it’s funny 🙂 need to do it tomorrow as the lighting in here is rubbish at night.

How do I feel right now? Tired, poorly and stressing about several things. Most things are out of my control right now so I’m trying to put them to the back of my mind and sort out the things that are in my control.

One of my stressors is the gender dysphoria, my main issue being not being able to bind my chest. Next week when I get paid I’m going to look one some sites and order myself a high intensity sports bra, in hope that will flatten my chest enough for me to feel passable.

In the summer I overheat really quickly, so I need to wear vest tops and shorts. So my chest needs to look less female in order for me to be myself and for me to feel comfortable in myself as well.

I wish I could unzip this body suit I have on because it’s the wrong body suit! with the wrong parts. I hate this so much! It’s frustrating because I can’t change anything right now.

Do you ever feel like a child? I do all the time, I feel like I am stuck at the age of 15 and I can’t seem to move on. It was the age I was diagnosed with Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis, the age my life stopped. Well that’s how it makes me feel anyway, I was really ill before my diagnosis but without a name it was easier to ignore.

I feel stuck, like emotionally stuck at this age and although I have progressed and I have moved on in many aspects of my life. But when it comes to being ill or whatever I go into child mode and it causes a lot of pain and anger. The anger almost becomes uncontrollable, I can feel it inside but there’s nothing I can do about it.

From head to toe, inside and out I despise my body. It has the wrong parts and nothing fucking works properly. I hurt every day, I’m tired every day, I’m ill all the time. Even my mind doesn’t work properly, I can’t and don’t trust any part of me to do its job properly.

I’ve never had any help with dealing with coming to terms in living with a long term illness with no cure. There’s still nothing out there, no help nothing.

Anyway..whatever I’m exhausted, well even more so. I better get this broken body to bed.

Peace out

Batman

Rested and Centred boy

Well this Sunday has been pretty perfect and I really enjoyed some quality me time and quality time with my fur babies 🙂 it was much needed. I’m slowly recovering from the summer activities, which don’t get me wrong was amazing and so much fun. But my poor lil body and mind over did it and now I need to spend time repairing that.

So despite sleeping most of yesterday, I slept really well last night and didn’t wake up until 10 am. I’m so pleased all my work has paid off and my sleep is back into a much better routine now, makes life a bit easier when I can at least sleep well.

I had my breakfast and chilled out for a bit, but bitch jobs had to be done… (this is why I need a wife 😉 lol) But I felt better for having a clean flat.

Got myself all nice and clean too, took the rubbish out and went to the shop to get myself something for dinner and OH some Lego a little bit accidentally fell in with the shopping..:D

I took the pups across the road for half an hour for a run, came home and had some lunch, put my new Lego together and did some colouring in, my lil bird is coming together nicely 🙂

I watched a good 80’s classic film Ghostbusters 🙂 and I cooked myself some dinner, I had a nice chicken breast, baby sweetcorn on the cob, roast potatoes and onion gravy, it was so so nice and treated all the fur babies to a bit of chicken each, which they definitely enjoyed as it was gone in seconds lol.

Decided to take the pups for a longer walk as it was a nice evening, kinda didn’t want to waste it 🙂 I ended up bumping into a friend who walked with us, which was really nice to catch up.

We got home and snuggled up on the sofa and non of us have moved since and lil miss Harley has joined us, although she’s been trying to get on my lap but right now she can’t as I’m on the laptop, so she’s finally settled beside me 🙂 ah they are all just so freaking cute!

Ahh I feel, tired because of the walk but my mind feels rested and in a good place. I like the me when I feel in a good place and when I just have time to be me, without thinking about anything or anyone other then myself and my fur babies, yes that sounds selfish but in life it’s ok to be a little bit selfish every now and again. I feel totally centred and just ah I feel good 🙂

I’ll be doing pretty much the same tomorrow too, apart from I have a my trans group social in the evening 🙂

Peace out

Batman

Happy boy :) catching up

Monday again! Last week was really busy and I was hoping to just chill all day today but I am currently on uncle duties watching lil Leo while my bro takes his gf to be sedated to have a tooth out. Leo is happily sat on the floor playing, so thought I’d get on my bro’s laptop and write as that’s what I was just about to do before he text me. But I love spending time with my lil chub (Leo) he’s so happy and easy to look after.

Thursday – I had a nice chilled out morning and headed out to group in the afternoon.

Group was good we went over the coming out model which is so interesting, can’t wait to go through the rest.

After group I met L and the boys at Flirt, I sorted through her post for her as she gets anxious opening her post so I said that once a week I would help her out. We had a quick look in a couple of shops and then we walked down to the sea front and we took turns in taking Harvey on a small roller coaster called crazy mouse. He was so scared to start with but once he did it one time he kept asking to go again and again lol.

After I got home I had some dinner and then took the pups out for a walk, I had to get up and go out before I fell asleep lol. But it was a really nice walk and they enjoyed it. I went to bed not long after we got in because I was just so tired.

Friday – Had a nice lazy morning, I slept for most of it. I really needed it after a long hot busy week.

I had something to eat, got dressed and headed out to the tattoo shop to get some more work on my back piece done. Ah it was so cool and needed, I love being tattooed. Can’t wait for my chest surgery so I can show it off when its all finished by walking around topless 🙂 I stayed there for a bit chatting about my transition and how they perform the operations and how hormones will change me etc and they all said that I seem much happier now, it’s cool they notice what I feel.

I got home, cleaned up the flat and sorted the beds out for boo and Harvey. I had my dinner again which I am proud of myself about, it’s only a little bit of dinner but it is definitely a step up from just eating yoghurts all day.

L came with the boys and Arnie, she dropped off her bits and we sat across the road watching the pups playing and the boys had a run about. Got back and gave boo a quick bath before putting him down to sleep. I took Harvey down to the shop because I needed to get a bit of shopping and I bought him a magazine and some sweets. He went to bed not long after we got in as it was nearly 9 pm.

Finally L and I could just chill out, she wanted the side of her head shaved and I said I’d done it before….but didn’t tell her not from scratch lol! But it was good fun and I actually did a pretty good job if I do say so myself! It looks freaking awesome! L had a shower and then I tried to section off her hair as its pink, purple and blue and it all needed doing again. Felt like a barber lol, kept having to wash my hands because they were all sweaty.

We had a huge thunder storm! It started off further away and then it came and it was right over us, the thunder was so loud and the lightening was amazing! loads of fork lightening. It poured down with rain as well, it went on for about an hour or so. It was totally epic! just so huge. Non of the pups or Miss Marley were even bothered by it all lol, scrappy and arnie kept coming out on the balcony with us. I remembered that the bedroom window was open, so I kept checking to see if the boys were asleep and they were both sound asleep, didn’t make a peep lol. I love watching storms so much, so beautiful and scary at the same time.

I think we went to bed at nearer to 1 am, but it was a fun night 🙂

Saturday – Boys got us up early lol, only about 8 am so not too bad. Just chilled out for half the morning. My friend W and her lil girl popped over to drop off my new kitty Harley, ah I fell in love straight away, she so teeny tiny and so vocal and just an utter lil stunner. Everyone had cuddles with her and I put her on the cat post up out of the way from the pups.

L got her and the boys ready as she wanted to look in a few shops in town, so she went out and did her bits first. I stayed to tidy up the flat a bit, got showered and dressed and then met her in town with the pups after she’d finished shopping.

We walked over to Baiter green and we sat there for a few hours, while the pups and the boys played about. We also went down to the sea for a paddle, scrappy went for a swim and Arnie and Foxy just watched lol. But it was a really lush afternoon 🙂 so relaxing.

Got in and watched Assault on Arkham, a batman film with the suicide squad. L took Harvey to get fish and chips for their dinner, I gave Albert a bath and let him run about nakey to get a bit of air to his bits. They had their chips and I had my dinner of potato salad, coleslaw, croutons, bacon bits, ham and cheese. It’s so yummy and light enough for my stomach to take. Boy’s had a play and then it was bed time for boo, who was tired and pretty much just went straight to sleep. We all watched another Batman film called under the red hood and after that it was bed time for Harvey 🙂

L and I chilled out, watched more Batman films. We put pink dye on foxy girl and blue on Scrappy’s chest. They look so freaking cool! L did my hair half blue and half purple lol just for a bit of fun. Had such a good laugh that evening 🙂 hehe. And again we didn’t get to bed till gone midnight and both of us were absolutely covered in dye lol! I slept in just vest and boxers with no blanket on all night because it was so muggy and sticky.

Sunday – Boy’s were on the go early again, me and L were so shattered lol. Just had a chilled out morning, L got their bits together and I was tidying up too. L took Harvey swimming while I looked after boo as he was feeling under the weather a bit. I carried on tidying up, hoovered up, put Harvey’s bed away, had a shower and got dressed. I went down to Asda with boo and got him some cars and I got myself some bits of shopping that I needed. We just chilled out he was playing with the pups and I was watching tv.

L and Harvey got back, she fed her and the boys, I had my lunch. Boo was tired so he went down for a nap and L went in for a nap after he was asleep for a bit. I was watching Batman animated films with Harvey, I did try to nap but he kept talking to me and the animals were all going crazy lol. I keep taking Harley to the litter tray and to her food and water, just to show her where it all is. The pups are a bit scared of her and she’s scared of them too and Marley won’t go near her lol but they will all get used to her soon. L came back in the lounge, so I nipped across the road with all the pups for 20 mins just so they could have a little run and pee and poop. It was still quite hot out there which is one reason I didn’t stay out there for too long.

I helped L get the boys stuff together, I but the travel cot down, put washing on and generally just tidied up after them all lol. They left just after half 4 pm to get their bus home, it’s so so quiet after they’ve all gone and I do miss them. I wish they lived much closer so I could just pop over whenever. But L really wants to move down this way so fingers crossed it will be a reality at some point 🙂

I had my dinner and then crashed out for 2 hours lol, I was just so tired. Usually on a Saturday morning I sleep until lunch before of how tired the metoject makes me but I didn’t this Saturday so by the time it was quiet, the animals had settled and I had sat down I could no longer keep my eyes open lol and just zonked out, I totally needed it though.

Chilled out in the evening, watching tv and I did go on the laptop and updated my charts on PLM (patientslikeme) and chatting to friends on fb, replied to some threads on PLM. But as it got later I just didn’t have the concentration to do any more and I just went to bed.

And now we are and Monday! Phew..taken me ages to write, had to stop to change Leo’s stinky butt, feed him lunch and put him down for a nap. He’s awake again now 🙂 just sat playing with his toys on the floor.

I was just relaxing this morning, playing with the pups and the kitty 🙂 Then my bro text asking if I can come over to have lil man, so I got myself showered and dressed and sorted out the animals and walked over.

Had a phone call a moment ago from adult social services and they are coming over tomorrow afternoon to assess me and the flat and my needs 🙂 so hopefully I will get the equipment I need to make it easier for me to have a shower and a perching stool for the kitchen.

Anyway I shall post some pictures when I am back on my laptop

Peace out

Batman

Hot, tired, happy boy

Wednesday again! and the 1st of July. Where the heck did June go lol.

It’s been a good week so far and it’s been hot! Too hot for me and the pups today.

Mon – Had to go to the doctors to get some bloods done but she wasn’t able to get any out, so I went to the hospital for them to do it. Walked over to my bothers and we picked up the pups and went over to Hamworthy park for an hour or so. Pups had fun and even foxy went for a swim! We went to a drive through for lunch and then he dropped me home. I just chilled out for a bit and headed out with the pups for Flirt (cafe) for our trans group social 🙂 That was good to see everyone and I’m glad I was able to take the pups.

Tues – I felt restless in the morning but didn’t know what to do with myself, so before I was picked up for the Weymouth group social, I went into town and paid my bills and did a bit of shopping. I bought myself some more shorts and 2 batman films. I do need some more vest tops but didn’t see any I liked. I chased up social services so hopefully I’ll hear from and occupational therapist soon.

The Weymouth group social was good, we walked around a nature reserve and fed the ducks 🙂 it was really hot but there was a nice breeze so it was bearable.

Something really weird happened though while we were on the way there. We saw a big grey plain plane, it wasn’t a passenger plane but it was stationary just in the air. It was so weird because planes can’t hover in the air like that… I think it was a drone. I am totally puzzled by it still.

After group I had something to eat and took the pups for a walk 🙂 they needed to burn off some energy.

Today! Woke up early because I was hot, had some breakfast and went back to sleep with my thin blanket on. I was meant to meet L but I was so tired I slept until 11 am. Couldn’t get myself going till about 1 pm, I went into town to see if Argos had a ring in that I saw but they didn’t but I may wait till I can afford to get the other ring that I liked as well. Bought a lamp for my bro that he saw and met him and my step dad in the pub and had a drink with them 🙂

Wandered down to the comic shop 🙂 got myself a comic or two lol. Got a new comic book series to get my teeth into! She’s called Painkiller Jane! Not really had a chance to read much yet but she looks awesome.

I then spent a hour or so sat in the tattoo shop, put my deposit down for my session on my back Fri and chatted about what to do with my sleeve and that. It was cool to catch up with them but now I’m itching for Fri lol! I might get the trans symbol tattooed too.

Actually had a bit of dinner tonight, just salad bit but it was nice and light, definitely needed it.

After I had a two hour nap that was totally needed, felt a bit better for it. Had some ice cream and headed out with the pups for our usual walk. Took some great pictures of the full moon, it was so nice and peaceful out, love being out there by the sea.

Just been chilling this evening, group doesn’t start till 2 pm tomorrow which is an hour later then usual. So I don’t have to worry about getting up too early tomorrow.

Going to bed after I’ve posted this though, because I am shattered and really achy.

I’m doing well though, feeling good and happy and just settled 🙂

Peace out

Batman