Feeling the energies of the earth – My Spiritual journey

I am so lucky to live to close to the sea, I feel so at home there and so grounded when I’m by the sea.

Yesterday evening I took the dogs out for a walk, I wasn’t intending to be out for long but we ended up being out for 4 hours. We met a lovely couple and ended up sitting and talking with them for ages, we sat and watched the sun go down. Even though I didn’t know these ladies it was as though we’d all known each other forever.

Sitting by the sea watching the sun go down was so beautiful, I felt so peaceful and calm and just at one with the world. It’s not something I’ve felt for a while, it felt so good just to sit and be. Also the only time I picked up my phone was to take pictures of the sunset, because I was sat chatting with these ladies, I didn’t need to look at my phone and constantly check my social media. It was just what I needed to switch off for a while, I really need to do it more often. I will make it a habit and apart of my daily routine.

Last night was good because I almost felt like I’d been reset, refreshed. I feel like I can take on anything again, I feel like myself again. It feels good.

Today my best friend and I took the dogs down to the water again, which was really nice. Because it was hot I wanted to put fox in the sea to cool her down, she doesn’t like swimming whereas Scrappy just dives straight into the sea. I took my shoes and socks off and walked into the sea with fox in my arms, I went in up to my knees so fox got completely wet and she even had to swim back into shore bless her. I got her little head wet as well, she was not best impressed but it stopped her panting.

I paddled about in the water for a bit, playing fetch with Mr Scrappy. He was going in so far having a good swim, he absolutely loves the sea.

The sea wasn’t cold it felt just right and I could feel all the stones under my feet, usually they hurt my feet but today they didn’t. All I felt was peace and calmness, I felt the energies of the earth flowing the me from my feet upwards and it was bursting out of my head. It felt so good and when we walked around to find a bit of shade I decided to carry on walking around barefoot.

Walking along the path was a tad hot on the bottoms of my feet and I didn’t feel the energies as strong. Once we got onto the grass I could feel all the earths energies again and I felt the same, peaceful, calm and just in the moment. I’m definitely going to walk outside barefoot more often, to be more in touch with earth and myself.

I feel good, I’ve not felt like this for a long time. It’s partly down to starting testosterone (see previous blog post) but its also down to walking this spiritual path I’m on. Sometimes I wonder off the path a bit and that’s ok as sometimes life gets in the way a bit. I manage to come back onto the right path and walk towards the light and what feels right.

Here are some pictures from last night and today’s walk by the sea

 

I’m loving my spiritual journey, I’m learning more about myself, others and the world around me. I’m learning where I fit in and how I can  be of service to the world.

I better get some sleep as its pushing midnight here in the UK.

Peace out

Batman

Don’t listen to that little dark voice.

A lot has changed in 3 days, a good kind of change though. I’m feeling much better then I did when I last posted on Wednesday. I am much more articulate now and I am able to write a decent sentence…Well I hope so anyway.

On Thursday I wasn’t going to go to my LGBT mental health group, I just didn’t want to go. The little dark voice was whispering in my ear saying “don’t go” “you’ll have a better day at home” “you don’t need that group anyway” etc you get the picture, the depression whispering lies into my ear constantly, trying to keep me at home, keeping me away from people, keeping me from helping myself to push through and feel better. Because the dark voice disappears if I ignore him, so he shouts as loud as he can for as long as he can, until the little ray of light starts talking sense, telling me that there is hope and I will feel better again.

That little ray of light gets louder and stronger the more I pushed on with my day. He got a little louder after I had my breakfast, a little louder still after having a shower and getting dressed. The dark voice was shouting too both in equal measure, my head was so loud but I knew what path I had to follow. I carried on and took the dogs out for a walk, I kept having to sit down as the dark voice was making my body feel so heavy and weak but I pushed through. By this point both voices were raging at each other, I was just listening to them both, both made good points. But ultimately listening to the dark voice would mean just perpetuating the liar that is depression, he would win, the only way I was going to feel better is if I listened to the light voice and went to group.

So I managed to get my stuff together, it took every fibre of my being to do this. As I walked out the front door, locking it behind me, the dark voice realised he’s lost. So he went back to whispering softly in my ear, whispering things like “you won’t have a good day” “you’re stupid” etc… :/

By the time I got on the bus, my head was fairly quite again and my whole being felt so exhausted. I kept falling asleep on the bus trip and very nearly missed my stop but I suddenly realised where I was and pressed the button to get off.

Group itself was good, I don’t remember what we did but I think that’s because it was such a huge battle to just get there, I struggled to be present. But I was there, I stayed, I participated as much as I could and I felt better as a result.

I still didn’t feel 100% better but I felt more myself for going out. I had a good evening, I made myself dinner, played with the pups while waiting for my food shopping, snacked on a peanut butter and syrup sandwich and went to bed.

Friday I went to the Weymouth LGBT mental health group and again it was a bit of a battle to get up and ready, but the struggle wasn’t nearly as bad as the day before. So it just goes to show that my mood was on the way back to normality again.

As always the journey there and back was good and the session itself was good. I think I’ve been going to that group for about a year now, which is cool and makes me proud 🙂

Got home from group about 6pm, I was so tired but I took the pups out for a quick wee and run. When we got back in I stripped off, my binder was hurting so off that came, jeans came off and were replaced by joggy bottoms, although if it was warmer I would just be walking about in boxers and top…but its still too cold for that unfortunately.

I had no energy or motivation to do anything, so I flopped onto the sofa, narrowly missing Harley and Foxy who were both on the sofa, waiting for attention. I reclined both sides of the sofa and I was soon surrounded by all four of my fur babies, I didn’t however appreciate scrappy standing on my back because he’s so freaking heavy! It was nice though, I spent about an hour just laying in silence, with my babies all round me.

Managed to muster up the energy to make myself some dinner which was nice. I just spent the evening watching tv and chatting to friends online.

Today the sun was out and it was like a cool spring day, its been so nice. Before I could go and enjoy the sunshine, I did the housework as its been a bit neglected this week due to my low mood . I felt better for doing it and the place no longer smelt of stinky cat litter, which isn’t a good smell.

I got myself together and I took the dogs for a walk and we went on the longer route. I thought it a bit ambitious of me to walk the long way and it worked out that yeah it was a bit ambitious. I kept having to sit down and resting along the way, but that was ok as I got to just sit in be in the moment.

Once again when I got in, I stripped off the chest binder and my jeans and adopted the much more comfortable joggy bottoms and I rested for a bit with my babies.

I started my dinner early as its quite a time consuming dish and didn’t want to eat too late in the night. I made myself a chicken and leek pie and it was very nice if I do say so myself. I did the washing up as I went along so it wasn’t overwhelming.

I have spent my evening playing with the animals and listening to music. Which makes a change from having the TV on all night and its been a nice change.

Recently I’ve been conscious about the amount of time I spend on my phone, laptop, ps3 and watching tv and I know that it doesn’t always have a good effect on me. So I’ve been switching off my mobile phone, not going on the laptop every night, now watching tv every day. I’ve been mixing up my routine a bit more, cuz before I would watch certain things in the day, then spend all evening with the TV on and my laptop on.

I like people not texting and talking to me all day long, sometimes I just turn my phone off and sit and play with the dogs, or do some colouring or whatever. Not having to be plugged in 24/7 is very freeing, just to sit and be in the moment and to be in whatever is going on around me is nice. It means I’m not missing out on spending quality time with friends or the animals, I’m not missing out on moments because I am not being sucked into my phone. I am learning more and more how to just be and it is difficult but I have found that if one of my senses is being occupied then I can be in the moment, being still and quiet.

I know people worry when I don’t text straight back or whatever but they don’t need to worry because I am ok, I’m just going back to basics.

So after sitting here for about 3 hours writing, well not solidly I may add, how do I feel? I feel calm, happy and connected with myself. I feel hopeful and excited to see L tomorrow for her birthday 🙂

My life is by far simple but I somehow get myself through it, I will drag myself through this life kicking and screaming until the very end! I will not give up, that dark voice will NEVER win the war.

That is all for now, as my heads starting to hurt from looking at the screen. Glad I took the time to update this though, as its been a while and I always feel better for getting it all out and hopefully I will sleep peacefully tonight.

Peace out

Batman