Fractured pinkie

Today has been interesting and I think I am rapid cycling right now. I woke up feeling pretty crappy, low and tired. This evening I fractured my little finger and my mood picked right up I mean wtf is that about :/ so yeah…here’s my day.

Even though I was off the laptop by 10:30 pm last night I still didn’t manage to get an early night and I wasn’t in bed until 12:30 am and I watched tv for a bit, so I didn’t settle down to sleep till 1 am.

But I slept ok-ish and woke up at 10 am, so I had a good 9 hours, although I woke up a few times last night because I got too hot. I don’t even have a winter duvet on, I don’t know what’s up with that right now.

Got up, watched tv, had something to eat and snuggled with the pups. Fatigue just took right over me, even though I had stuff to do, I needed to listen to my body and get some more sleep.

Woke up again because I’d got too hot, urgh and I still felt tired. It was midday and I said I’d go up and see my step dad. So got showered and dressed, nipped out with the pups and scrappy met his lil bf Ollie and they had fun chasing each other, so cute. Dropped my lil monkeys home and headed back out to go up the hospital.

Saw my step dad for a few hours, he’s glad to be on the ward because its a bit quieter at night up where he is, so he was able to get a bit more sleep. He’s not doing so good today, he had stomach pain and felt sick. Bless him but at least he’s in the right place, I just hope they can make him well enough to return home. Because I know how crappy it is to stay for long periods in hospital. His son was there today and he’d brought in my step dad’s laptop and some dvds so least he wont’ be bored, so he gave me my tab back. Me and my step bro left at the same time, so my step dad could sleep and I got my step bro to drop me into Bournemouth so I could go to this one shop to get a new ADSL lead, that saved the bus trip there.

Got to the shop and found what I needed BUT I couldn’t remember what both the ends looked like…gah so I picked up two of the same lead but one had a different end, because knowing my luck the one that I didn’t pick up would be the one I needed haha. I didn’t hang about in town for long because I was feeling so tired, so just went and jumped on the bus home.

I got home to another dog toy massacre! Fluff everywhere lol and scrappy had even pulled out the squeaker from the new toy that I’d only got him Tues lol, but he had fun so whatever 🙂 as long as its not my wires I don’t mind. They were so happy to see me, that picked my mood up a little bit, as all day I was just feeling..meh.

Took the pups across the road for a wee and a run.. They were having a good time. But then Miss foxy jumped off the wall and headed home….so I went after her as I didn’t want her getting run over! Jumped down the wall and grabbed her and put her back up and told her to go get scrappy. He was still having fun playing, so didn’t want to take him home just yet. I then put my hand on the wall to push myself back up and I heard a massive crack! and almost instantly my little finger swelled up..Man that really freaking hurt. But carried on walking the pups, trying to ignore the pain, but the swelling and pain was getting worse. Yeah I think I need it checked.

No way was I going straight up to the hospital, I was hungry and my phone needed charging a bit. So I put my phone on charge, gave the pups some treats and fussed the cat, she was meowing at me and following me around the kitchen lol. I did myself fish fingers and microwave chips, so something filling but fairly quick and downed with a can of energy drink. Sat for a moment, finger was still very swollen and very painful. I took some pain killers because I know at the hospital they would only give me crappy paracetamol and that just wouldn’t touch it. Got myself ready and headed up to a&e.

I got there at 6:30 pm and it was busy-ish, but its a Fri night and half term so I was quite ready to be in there half the night. It was really quick to see the triage nurse and I explained what I had done and all my health issues and she said that I definitely needed it checked out properly so she said I needed and x-ray. So had to wait again for half hour for my x-ray. Then another wait to see the doctor another half an hour and YEP! I fractured my little finger right under the joint. She said it’s from where I hyper extended it and bent it too far back. So she strapped up for now because that’s all they can do and have to make an appointment for next week to get a proper metal splint fitted. They gave me some bits to keep strapping my finger up, because its only a bit of tape and that will loose its stickiness in the water. I’m just grateful that I wasn’t in there all night.

Walked home, via Asda to order some more tramadol and metoject. I think that’s all I needed…I’ll soon find out Mon when I do my med box up. I treated myself to some toffee’s because well I deserved it haha.

Ah and home again to may happy puppies 🙂 just chilled out with them having snuggles, watching the tv. Played on my tab.

Eventually I got myself on to my laptop to write, its taken a long time tonight. It’s been difficult to concentrate, difficult to remember what’s been going on and my freaking hand hurts! But the good thing is that its only my little finger that’s been injured and I don’t use that finger or the one next to it to type, glad that hasn’t been a hinder. It’s still sore even though I’ve not actually used to it type, I just think its where my hand is moving.

My mood this evening is good, despite this fracture lol. I think my mood is a reflection of how crazy my life has been, everything has been up and down. I suppose that’s just how normal peoples emotions are, I’m just hyper vigilant as I am very aware that next week I will be on an even lower dose of the quetiapine and I just don’t want it to fuck up as I want so bad to try my best to be medication free. I’m doing ok and coping well I think, just hyper aware of the slightest change in mood. I jump on it and I’m like well why do I feel like this, why has this happened..just analyzing myself. I’m thinking this is good though and something that I learnt to do in DBT. I do wish though I could just take a break from everything and just be ok. Maybe I need to do a bit more mindfulness to recentre myself, get myself refocused and present. Maybe that will help a little with everything. I’ve certainly not missed this unsettled-ness that I felt ALL the time when I had BPD.

The weekend is here…don’t have any solid plans right now. But I have ideas of what I may do. I’ll probably go see my step dad, the flat needs tidying up, pups need a good walk, I need to take the lead back that I didn’t need…just odd bits really. Not going to rush myself though as I feel like that’s all I’ve done this week. I need a bit of calm and slowness.

Jeez this has taken hours lol! Hand is really aching now and my finger is looking a little purple. I really fancy some cheesy rolls though and I don’t have any in and I’m hungry. Mmm Asda is still open, so I may have to go see if they have what I want hehe.

Oh my metoject injections are going well, did that earlier this evening, hurt less tonight but that’s probably because my finger is sore.

Well that’s it for this boy. I gotta find food and get my ass to bed.

Peace out

Batman

Yup ill again and still really ITCHY :(

It is midweek again…seriously time just goes in a heart beat.

Managed to get myself to bed at 12:30 am. I took the pups out for a wee, dosed up on pain killers and my other meds, had a very nice relaxing shower, dried off and got into my fresh pjs and then into bed with my fresh bed sheets…Ah nothing BETTER! 🙂 Pups snuggled up under the covers with me, I played on my tab for a little bit and then snuggled up and went to sleep.

Ah woke up around 9 am and woke up not doing too great. My face is red, really really fucking itchy and really warm to the touch. My right ear is itchy, red and swollen as well. As the time wore on my ear started hurting inside..:( just generally started feeling run down.

I went down to the chemist to see if they had any ideas of what it could be, but she wasn’t sure and because of ALL my medication she didn’t want to give me anything over the counter.

Rang up the doctors and she booked me into see the nurse that afternoon. I had a little time to kill and I felt a bit sleepy, so I set an alarm on my phone, so I didn’t miss my much needed nurses appointment and I snuggled up on the sofa and all the animals joined me 🙂

Saw the nurse she says I have an ear infection, but she thinks the rash is an allergic reaction so gave me antihistamines for that and some cream. I have an ear spray for my ear infection.

Got home, took my pain killers, antihistamines, put the cream on the face, sprayed the stuff in my ear and led down on the sofa with the pups. Watched tv for a while and had a nap for a while.

After about 2-3 hours, my face was still soooo itchy and sore 😦 not impressed. Felt too tired and run down to do much so just chilled out on the sofa. I cooked the pups the chicken breast I’d got out for my dinner, as I wasn’t hungry at all and I didn’t want to waste it. It was safe to say the pups and Marley enjoyed their treat.

This itch is unbearable now….I actually want to peel off my skin! Ear is sore and itchy inside as well. Don’t have many options…I thought I would try calamine lotion and I nipped to the chemist to get some…Yeah I look like a ghost boy now lol. It helped a little at first…but now I’m still really fucking itchy.

1 am and I’m still writing. My face is still really red and really itchy 😦 my eyes have been sore and itchy on and off all day, but not sure if that’s just tiredness. I feel really run down and just feeling fucking shit! Not sure what to do next….do I ring out of hours tonight, or ring my specialist tomorrow..:( Maybe I’ll wait and see how I feel in the morning. I don’t think its an allergic reaction…surely the antihistamines should have worked by now??

*SIGH* It’s been one thing after another lately. I did reach out on facebook, saying that recently I’ve been isolated because I’ve been ill and it would be nice if some of my lovely friends would be able to come keep me company, even if it was just for an hour.. No one has reached back…YET :/ fingers crossed.

I do have good news, despite everything my mood is doing ok, I’m not feeling low today. But I think I have been preoccupied with feeling ill and trying not to scratch too much.

Also my feelings about wanting/being a boy is getting much stronger. Been referring to myself as he, boy and daddy when I’m talking to the animals and when someone doesn’t know about my gender identity stuff calls me she or whatever it feels like they are talking about someone else. Which I think is lots of progress! I’ve decided to stop shaving (again) under my arms and legs..now this is difficult, because when I have a shower I’m a bit OCD and I have a little routine of how I wash. I was my hair, then my face, then my body then shave. So I know its going to take a while to adjust to stop shaving. I’ve moved my razor from the shower to a draw, just got to break my shower routine and see how I go. When I was washing myself before bed last night, I did it using mindfulness as it really helps with relaxing. So I was trying to be present and I was washing myself with my hands with lavender baby wash. As I was running my hands over my chest, washing myself down and I realised that I was really wishing my chest was flat and that I had a male body…now before I’ve been happy in my skin, with my body etc. Now not so much…. I’m definitely going further in my little gender journey. I suppose the next step is to talk to my family… :/ that’s pretty scary! But I’m not going to rush it. But its hard keeping it a secret. Time will tell.

Peace out

Batman