Birthday Boy!

As I said in my blog the other day, I’ve been struggling to sit down and concentrate and a lot of that is because I’ve had a case of ‘I can’t be bothered’ been feeling a bit low, stressed and tense. I’ve withdrawn myself from life a bit, withdrawn from people and from doing anything at all. It’s been a huge struggle to get up and do the most basic of things.

I’ve been a bit depressed and a bit lazy but I am going to try my best to get out and do stuff.

Anyway, last week 2nd March, was my 35th Birthday! Which is insane! 5 years until I’m 40! WTF LOL!

I had a really great week, on my actual birthday I had two friends over and we had pizza and cake! Which was awesome. Thursday my friend and I went to Brighton for the day which was so much fun, we went to the aquarium and wow I loved it there! I love Brighton so much. On the Saturday my two friends came down for the weekend, we ate loads, drank, watched movies and chilled.

It was a really great birthday week, I am so grateful for all the people I shared my birthday with. I was a bit worried about this birthday as its the first without the 2 big friendships I’ve had over the years, so I was worried that I wouldn’t have anyone to do anything with.

I thought I’d share some pictures of my birthday week

Safe to say I took a billion pictures at the aquarium lol!

I was in such a different place when I turned 30, I’d just come out as trans, I was surrounded by different people, good and bad friendships. I’m now 2 1/2 years on testosterone, nearly 7 months post op top surgery, I have a very different friend circle. Things are not perfect, I’m still figuring stuff out but I am slowly becoming the person I want to be and I will continue to change and grow.

That’s all for now, as I am struggling to feel connected to what I’m writing so it doesn’t feel quite right. So I’m going to stop.

Peace out

Zak

Living with a Chronic illness – Hospital appointments

There are some things that came part and parcel with having a chronic illness and one of those things is having lots of hospital and doctors appointments.

I have a good GP whom which I get on well with, along with the nurses who I do my testosterone shot for me. I also have a good relationship with my Rheumatologist and his nurses and my Ears, Nose and Throat doctor. Usually I don’t find appointments too difficult as I always feel involved in my care and generally feel listened too and well looked after.

But yesterday’s appointment with a Rhematologist was the an absolute disaster. It provoked huge anxiety and anger. It was NOT a good appointment.

So I had made my way to my appointment, now if my Rheumatologist is busy, I will see one of his two nurses, who are both really lovely and I am more then happy to see. So I’m used to seeing one of those 3 people.

However when I turned up for my appointment, a nurse called me in to do my blood pressure and weight, she also needed me to do a pee sample. But she said that Dr Hopkins will see me soon… I asked who he was and why I was seeing him as he’s not my doctor. She couldn’t answer me.

It put me right on edge, it made me incredibly anxious and I wanted to leave. I then couldn’t do a pee sample as I was too tense, it was noisy in the waiting room, there was more people then usual there, which didn’t help with my anxiety.

I heard my Doctors voice, the one I usually see and I saw both of his nurses, who I see if Dr Marks is busy. In fact I spoke with Phoebe and she said I wasn’t on her list so I must be seeing Carole.

This wasn’t the case, I was led into see Dr Hopkins. At this point my anxiety was so high, I struggled to concentrate. He basically talked at me, he didn’t listen, he talked over me when I did try to speak, he didn’t involve me in the plan of tapering off my steroids, he basically told me what I had to do. This for some reason really triggered rage within me.

I held myself together as best I could but I was so enraged. How dare this person just bark orders at me, the guy doesn’t know, he’s never met me before, yet he was like well do it like this.

I walked to the train station as I need to get back for my counselling session, when I got to the station I rang the hospital as I needed to vocalise what had happened and how I felt and I wanted answers and to why the fuck I saw a random doctor and I also let it known that I did NOT want to see this fucking guy again.

The person I said to said some one would call me back, but as of yet I’ve heard nothing, so I will chase it up next week.

I think I was so triggered because it was an unexpected change and no one explained to me why I was seeing this guy, when my usual team where there. I also fucking hate not being listened too, I hate not being heard, it makes me feel so small and angry. I’ve spent a lot of time not being given the respect of being listened too. We all want to be heard and listened too. I also hate being told what I need to do regarding my own health and what I need to do with my medications. I’ve been ill all my life, I’ve been on medications for most of my life and I know my body better then any doctor ever will. I was more then happy to try and taper off my steroids again, but I didn’t agree with the way he wanted me to do it and I want to wait until at least March, as I’ve been really struggling lately as the weather has been so damp and cold, it’s just not the right time to start reducing my steroids.

The whole appointment was almost like a power struggle, he had all the power and wasn’t willing to listen about what I wanted to do regarding my steroids as I didn’t agree with his suggestion. I felt powerless, so ended up just agreeing with whatever he said so I could leave.

I will not be tapering my steroids like he suggested, I will get down to the bottom as to why I saw this guy and I will push to see someone from MY team soon and I will make it very clear that I do not want to see this doctor ever again.

Advocating for myself is something I really used to suck at, but as I’ve got older I won’t tolerate shit like this and I will let it be known. It’s fucking exhausting constantly advocating for myself and making sure I am being heard and that I am getting the care I need and deserve.

Note to any Doctors or nurses who maybe reading this, your patients know their bodies better then you do, especially those living with a chronic illness. Listen to your patients, they are the experts of their illnesses, you may have qualifications but they live it every fucking day! They know what works and what doesn’t, they know how they feel.

As much as I’m not always connected to my body, I know my body better then anyone else, I don’t think sometimes Doctors understand and respect that. I know its something my usual team of doctors understand, but this guy certainly didn’t.

It took me the rest of Wednesday to calm down, I’m glad I had a counselling session that afternoon, so I could let off steam and talk through it. It was quite funny as my counsellor had out some tuning forks which she used near me and she was like woah your body is having non of this and asked me if I was feeling angry and I was like I am furious. It was nice to have a safe place to express myself and my feelings.

I am feeling a bit calmer now about it all but I know its something that I will ruminate on now for a while. It’s hard not too when something provokes such a huge emotional reaction. I’ll get over it eventually.

Peace out

Zak

Crystal healing

Iโ€™m just off to bed, feeling pretty tense after writing out earlier blogs.

I was drawn to pick some crystal to put under my pillow while I sleep tonight, apparently I need 15 of them lol!

Hopefully their powerful energies will help me feel refreshed and relaxed when I wake up tomorrow

I already feel my muscles relaxing a bit, it feels nice

Peace out

Zak

Disassociation and other stuff

I’m not sure this post will make much sense, or even have a point lol. But I just need to write things out and hopefully help sort through the mass of thoughts that race through my brain every second of every day.

I’m going to try and make sense of everything, by sorting through things bit by bit.

I’ll start with an update about my weird breath holding thing… basically I’m still doing it and its still frustrating. Nothing works so I’m just trying to ignore it as trying to fix it makes it worse.

I do it the most when I’m feeling tense, which at the moment seems like a lot. I find myself sat on the sofa scrunched up, my whole body is tense and I’m just unable to move, unable to get out of my head. I can sit like that for hours, which I know is disassociation but in a different form then what I’ve experienced before.

This disassociation feels more like an internal struggle, I’d much rather feel all floaty and out of my body, as I feel weightless. But this is so intense and physically hurts my whole body and I feel like I have no control.

When I become aware of how I’m so tense and scrunched up, I try my best to relax my body but I feel so achy after, its hard to get away from this internal struggle.

I also keep getting stuck endlessly and mindlessly scrolling through social media, again feeling really tense and again with chunks of time passing by.

It feels like apart of my brain has just switched off and gone to sleep, which is a simple way to describe what disassociation is. It’s your brains way of protecting you, which in itself in super interesting. But I feel that there is still a small part of my brain that’s awake and shouting to wake the rest of my brain up, which is causing this internal struggle. Because even though I’ve disassociated, my brain hasn’t entirely shut off, so I have an awareness but I’m unable to do anything. I feel like I’m trapped inside my body, its really weird.

I can be sat down, all scrunched up know I need to get up and move because I have stuff to do and but I just cannot move, I’m glued in place. The small voice just isn’t loud enough to wake my brain up, but I can still hear it shouting at me. Which makes me feel even more tense and frustrated because I’m not in control, I cannot make myself move until my brain wakes up again.

I don’t really know if this will change, maybe it means I’m slowing healing the parts of me that needed to disassociate, maybe it doesn’t, I’m not sure.

Hopefully in time, this will improve or at least I’ll go back to fully disassociating.

I’m feeling more tense this week for a few reasons, I’ve come off trazadone, as I felt I no longer needed it, I’m sleeping better and despite everything I’ve just described I’m feeling better too. But the withdrawals of trazadone can make you feel more agitated and I think that’s really hit me this week. Also two weeks ago I had a pretty big hit of testosterone, due to switching over from Sustanon to Nebido and the loading process means having both shots at once! So I think again such a big dose of hormones has really hit this week. I’m sure in time these will both wear off and I’ll start feeling a bit more relaxed.

I’m still struggling to feel connected to myself, which goes back to the disassociation, but also apart of the gender dysphoria as well.

I think when I took a step back from people in my life and took stock of everything, I took a step back from myself and forgot to step back in again.

I feel a bit out of place, a bit out of sorts and just a bit weird. I’m slowly working towards getting back to myself. But I think I’ve always had this disconnect with myself, the gap feels bigger then before.

Talking about this subject in counselling is helping me understand it a bit more, which has been helpful. This week I learnt that my high tolerance to medications could be linked to the disassociation which is really interesting. Even CBD oil, does nothing for me, natural remedies don’t work for me and I’m really resistant to most medications. When I started taking tramadol, I don’t ever remember it making me feel high, like how it makes most people feel. This is definitely something I want to look more into, as its fascinating and I want to be able to react to meds like everyone else does. I also know a high tolerance to medications is also linked to hypermobility as well, which I have. I just want to try and understand my brain better and why it does what it does and if I can help myself in anyway.

I always knew my brain was wired differently to most, but never knew why. I’m still really non the wiser about why I disassociate, as its usually a result of trauma. I’ve not experienced your usual traumatic events like sexual abuse, violence etc. But then my life hasn’t been simple easy, I became ill when I was 6/7 years old, family life wasn’t always easy, my parents divorce was pretty messy but these are the only things I really remember.

My memories aren’t in order and there are huge chunks missing, which again a sign of traumatic event. Maybe it was just a culmination of events throughout my early childhood/teenage years rather then 1 significant event. Sometimes not being able to remember things is frustrating but I know its my brains way of protecting me from bad things.

This week my memory has been awful, its much worse when I’m feeling stressed/tense. It effects my short term memory, I can forget when happened a few hours ago, which is super annoying. If I’m feeling more calm and relaxed my short term memory is better, I have much better recall.

I struggle with routine, I have non negotiable things I do every day, like take my meds, housework, eating, taking the dogs out. Things I need to do to get by. But beyond that I have no interest in the 9-5pm life. Partly because my body doesn’t work that way, my brain certainly doesn’t either. I cannot stand early mornings, I need quiet time to wake up and adjust to the day. My brain certainly takes its time to wake up, its much more active in the evening, early hours of the morning. I like my freedom to do what I need/want to do in order to feel good and take care of my mental and physical health.

I know I have a lot to give this world yet, but I’m not sure what that looks like. Maybe as the year goes on, that will become clearer to me.

I need to keep writing, I keep saying this but I always hold myself back.. Don’t know why I do it.

I can feel myself switching off, running out of focus. So I shall sign off for now.

Hopefully this sheds some light on well me and how I function, which could be useful for those in my life and help them understand me more and maybe it rings a bell with whoever else is reading this.

Peace out

Zak

Chilled out Sunday

Yay little man slept right through till 8 am ๐Ÿ™‚

Came into the lounge changed his butt. I just chilled out on the sofa while boo played with the pups. Watched spongebob and gave boo some breakfast.

He just ran about playing all morning, I was throwing him about and chasing him around lol. He loved it, pups did too. Albie and scrappy were playing fetch, its so cute.

Boo was starting to get a bit grumpy and was starting to be naughty, so I put him down for a nap. He went straight down, so I think he was tired. I snuggled up on the sofa with the pups as I was feeling tired. I woke up at 1:30 pm and boo was still sleeping! I was awake for a little, then I fell back to sleep until 2:15pm when I heard boo crying. I went in but he wasn’t really awake, he was crying, but he still had his eyes closed. But as the time was getting on, I thought I’d better get him up or he’ll never sleep tonight. We had cuddles on the sofa for a bit while he woke up properly. Then he was pointing that he wanted to go in the high chair, so stuck him in and gave him some lunch, so I jumped in the shower and got dressed.

Got boo all wrapped up ready to take pups out for a wee. Got the pups ready. We headed out and it wasn’t as cold as it looked. Walked around the small green a few times, to give the pups a good run and get Albie some fresh air. Albie loves watching the pups run about, he was sat there laughing and hanging out his push chair just to see them, its so cute.

We came back and did the same as we did this morning lol, just playing about, playing with the pups and watching tv. Just being in the moment with myself, the pups and another little human is just the best feeling in the world. I wasn’t worried about what is going to happen tomorrow, I wasn’t worried about a stupid thing I may have said a few days ago…Or whatever. I was just happy just chilling and playing about. Being in the moment, being mindful makes me happy.

At just after 5 pm, lil man was getting grouchy as he was hungry. So I gave him some cheesy biscuits while I was sorting out his dinner. He had the same as yesterday so all I had to do was microwave it. Just before it was ready I stripped him down to his nappy, so he could get really messy without messing up his clothes. It was finally ready lol and he gobbled it all up, like a whole adult portion. He ate the lot! and then I asked him if he wanted more biscuits and he starting shouting at me..so yeah he wanted more lol! Gave him some, but he didn’t eat it all. He did sit there throwing them about. I did him a bath, put the heating on in the bedroom and got his pj’s and a nappy ready for after the bath. Cleaned him off a bit, so I didn’t get myself covered in his dinner and put him in the bath and washed him off, then let him just splash about. He didn’t want to get out again lol. But got him out and he screamed lol.

Got him dried and dressed, he was tired and a bit grumpy. But I let him run about till half 7 pm so he was really tired when I put him down. We had cuddles on the sofa before I put him down, which was nice. Snuggled him up in bed and came into the lounge. He cried for a little bit, so I put my dinner on. I did have to go in to settle him, but that was it.

I had a nice dinner, chicken breast with the cheesy mash and roast veg that I had left over from yesterday. With onion gravy. It was so nice and ate the lot ๐Ÿ™‚

Just been relaxing this evening. Both pups have been sleeping lol. I think boo wore them out. Been eating my gingerbread biscuits ๐Ÿ™‚ yum.

Lil man has woken up a few times, coughing and crying. I’ve gone in and he’s not actually been awake. Still sleeping, so I just covered him back up with blankets and left him. I am hoping this isn’t the sign of what tonight is going to be like lol! Fingers crossed he will sleep well for me.

Feeling good today. Happy and relaxed ๐Ÿ™‚ Cannot wait for group on Thursday. I’ve really missed it, makes me smile just thinking about it. The trans group isn’t back till the 12th as R who runs it has the flu, otherwise it would have been tomorrow evening.

Physically I am feeling a bit better. Not coughing up as much crap now. Keep tensing my though, but I think that’s where I am taking my pain meds on a semi-regular basis, so when I need more I think that’s where the tense jaw comes from.

Plan tomorrow is to chill in the morning. Taking boo home for about 4 pm and I’m going to look after the boy’s while L goes down the road to pick up a washing machine. The tomorrow evening I will be relaxing. So yeah all good.

Peace out

Batman โค

Dark passenger is no longer

So I don’t remember falling asleep last night, so yeah I slept ok. But however I was up at a stupid hour AGAIN. I bounced out of bed at about 7 am…. I mean seriously wtf is up with that?! It keeps happening! But I wasn’t even like wide awake, I was just awake… and kept falling back to sleep on the sofa… my body is so freaking weird!ย 

Sat and ate crackers lol, then I did get showered and dressed. I took fox down to Asda where I was meeting a lady as she was buying the doggy litter box off me. I didn’t have to wait for long and she was really lovely. I then took fox for a little walk, so she could pee.ย 

I got back home and sat down and I haven’t really moved since… :/ I’ve been up and down, I tried doing a bit of doodling and colouring in…played with a bit of Lego…I just couldn’t get into anything. My mood is so low still. So I’ve just been pottering about the place aimlessly. Having no money till tomorrow hasn’t helped either.ย 

I have been chatting to my new friend Z for most of the day which has been cool. Hopefully she will be coming over on Sunday, which will be something nice to look forward too.ย 

Tomorrow its meant to be raining, but I hope it doesn’t as I want to take L and Harvey crab fishing ๐Ÿ™‚ If not then I’m gonna get my hair cut and pay bills etc. And may go over to L’s instead.ย 

My joints are feeling much better today and less painful. My head has been hurting a lot today. But I think there’s where I’ve been so tense. Just listening the to The Script at the moment feeling a bit more relaxed.

It’s not 10:30 pm and I’m not even tired, but I am a bit hungry, so will try and have something to eat in a bit.ย 

Just looking at my foxy girl who is fast asleep and tbh if it wasn’t for her I don’t think I would be here right now, after all that’s happened over the last 3-4yrs. I would of given up without her. I know I’ve not had her that long, just coming up to 2 yrs. But still she is the reason I am still breathing today. If my maths is correct I am 9 nearly 10 months self harm free (I will double check this) I am so proud of myself for that and you know what through this current bout of depression, my dark passenger hasn’t really been present! Which is great! I mean that is a pretty big freaking step for me. Usually with depression, the dark passenger gets strong and over takes me. But not this time. Am I finally beating this demon for good?? Bitter sweet really, as its been a part of my life for the past 19 yrs… which is like most of my life. My dark passenger was my best friend, something I sometimes enjoyed. But like everything, some things are best left behind no matter how hard it maybe, but its an important part of becoming the better you. My dark passenger will always be with me, but I will never let it control me again. I am much stronger then it now. No more scars on my flesh.ย 

Well I better try and eat, my tummy is grumbling lol.

Peace out

Tank girl

Good day, but the dark passenger is still near :)

ย Well I’ve had a pretty good day. I slept till about 11:30 am, when I was rudely awoken by the cats jumping at the bedroom door and I swear to god it sounded like someone was breaking in lmao! But no, it was just my 3 lil shits pretty much throwing themselves at the door to wake me up…. not the most relaxing way ever to wake me up! haha. So after nearly having a freak out, Foxy and I went into the lounge and I had breakfast and we chilled out watched T.V.ย 

Had a shower and got dressed, then took my foxy girl for a wee and we popped in to see S for 5 mins, just to say hello and make sure this evenings plans were still ok.ย 

Spent the afternoon just relaxing with my fur babies. I did feel really tired at one point and considered taking a nap, but I managed to stay awake as I want to sleep well tonight.ย 

At about 4:30 pm I headed across the road to meet S and then we walked to her car and headed to Bournemouth to meet C at the pub. Got there, parked up and S had to chase the parking ticket as it went flying out the car lol, but luckily she caught it. Then we walked over to the pub to meet C and we all had a nice roast dinner each ๐Ÿ™‚ YUMMY! It was the 1st proper dinner I’ve had in ages! Couldn’t eat it all, but I ate most of it. After dinner we went to the cinema and watched Insidious 2! OMG it was so amazing, such a cleverly done film. S spent most of it hiding behind her scarf lol and I was so tense I couldn’t eat my sweets! haha.ย 

After the film, we all went back to S’s car and I directed her to C’s house, so we could drop her off. Then directed her back out of Boscombe and back home. I walked S back to her house and then made my way back to my flat to see my babies and had one happy puppy, who was racing about not knowing what to do with herself lol! Love coming home to her ๐Ÿ™‚

Just been chilling out this evening, just winding down before bed. Got a pretty busy week coming up, with seeing people ๐Ÿ™‚ so that’s pretty cool.

Physically been feeling ok today, took pain meds at the slightest hint of pain as I wanted to feel well for going out tonight. Mentally I’m feeling good, but it can change in a second… But feeling good in the moment is good enough for now. My dark passenger is still pretty close to me, but knowing I can cut whenever I feel like it has taken a lot of the pressure out of it all. So I don’t feel that real need. God I still think about it and I just love it so much! ha even feeling good, cutting would just be so good right now, but its getting late and I need to sleep soon.

Peace outย 

Tank girl x